Having Dazai by his side as Chuuya began to drift off to sleep was nice.

Of course, he still hadn't entirely forgiven Dazai for everything that he had done, but after they'd almost lost each other at Meursault, Chuuya just needed a break from the overwhelming emotions that followed thinking about such things. So while he planned to talk everything out with Dazai, it was also a conversation that he wanted to have when he wasn't in terrible pain just trying to walk around.

Dazai seemed to feel the same.

Regardless, Chuuya wanted to cut the bastard some slack. After all, if Dazai hadn't taken that bullet for him, then Chuuya knew that he'd be dead right now.

Honestly, he was kind of surprised that he wasn't even so.

So he enjoyed the banter that he shared with Dazai and let them both heal before the coming of such a conversation because he didn't want to accidentally say something he didn't mean in the heat of the moment.

As much as Dazai could be an outright prick, the thought of losing him made it feel like stones were weighing down on his chest and like there wasn't enough air to fill his lungs.

The feeling wasn't healthy and he knew that, because he'd long ago accepted that as much as he loved Dazai, their relationship was toxic.

Still, they were older now and had a wider view of the world. They could change.

Since Dazai had joined the Agency, as much as he still had his moments, he had become a better person. To say that he hadn't would be an outright lie borne of prejudice and contempt. So if Dazai had changed so much surrounded by people he'd known not even half the amount of time that he'd known Chuuya, then Chuuya held out hope that Dazai would change for him as well. That he would try to be better. Less manipulative. Less controlling. Less cruel.

Then there were areas that Chuuya knew he had to improve as well. He had to work on his anger issues, his trust issues, and his slowly darkening morality.

They both had a lot to work on, but Chuuya was sure that they could do it together. They just needed to wait until they had a moment in which they could communicate effectively and clearly.

If such a time would even come.

Finally beginning to push such thoughts away from the center-front of his mind, so that he could get some sleep, Chuuya felt himself beginning to drift off towards that empty span of nothingness. A void of incomprehensible space.

However, just before he could finally fall asleep, the sound of shouting sounded from the room next to them.

Chuuya jolted awake, looking over to see that Dazai had had the same reaction.

What the hell was that?

Chuuya watched as Dazai jumped out of the bed, grabbing his gun, the joking expression from their earlier conversation now gone from his face as he shot out of the door.

Swinging his legs over the bed, Chuuya tried to follow but instantly collapsed as he placed the entirety of his weight on his legs.

He'd forgotten. Fuck.

Using his ability, a red glow surrounded him as he used Tainted to help him glide over the floor, in pursuit of Dazai.

He already had a dark sinister feeling curling in his chest about what he knew he was sure to find, but he didn't want to voice it. Not yet, because if he accepted it, then he knew how such an interaction was sure to end.

How had they been so stupid? Thinking that they'd actually have time? Enough to get to Yosano? They should've been more careful. More cautious.

It was far too late for that now though, and so they would just have to pay the unfortunate consequences, as painful as they would end up being.

It didn't take long for Chuuya to make it into the room, finding his way next to Dazai who stood still at the doorframe, watching what was taking place with a rare show of regret and horror visible on his face.

So he was thinking the same, wasn't he?

Still, with how he had treated Akutagawa in the past, Chuuya couldn't say he wasn't a little bit surprised to see such displays of emotion on his face. Of course, he knew that Dazai cared about Akutagawa, but he was just surprised to see it.

The scene that they had walked into was a rather gruesome one. Akutagawa had broken free of his restraints and was now pining an impaled Atsushi to the ground with Rashomon. Griping the ability with his hands, Atsushi was begging Akutagawa to stop, to come back to him. He was so lost in the moment that he didn't even seem to notice Dazai and Chuuya at the door, frozen in shock.

Chuuya at their carelessness.

Dazai at what he would inevitably have to do.

And then Chuuya was moving, he reached out, grabbing Rashomon and freeing Atsushi from its grip with his ability.

Cold, unseeing eyes turned on him.

It was so weird seeing eyes so devoid of emotion on Akutagawa.

Back when Dazai had left, Akutagawa had been in a bad place. Dazai was, while undeniably abusive, someone who Akutagawa had really looked up to. So having him leave without even so much as a goodbye had hurt Akutagawa deeply.

He'd started picking up more of the riskier missions than necessary, expanding his bloodlust and exhausting his already sickly body.

Chuuya was finally the one to put an end to it, or at least as much as he could.

One night, Chuuya had found him, deep circles under his eyes, writing up reports for Mori. It looked like the poor kid hadn't slept in ages, so Chuuya went over to him and somehow managed to convince him to finish them in the morning.

After that, he'd bought the kid a taxi and got him back to his shared apartment with Gin.

Helping him like that, as small as it was, made Chuuya feel good, because if he couldn't help himself get over Dazai's abandonment, then the next best thing, he supposed, was to help someone else.

Giving what he wished he received.

In the following years, Chuuya continued to do things like that, picking up the more dangerous missions for himself, so that Akutagawa would have a smaller pool to choose from, making sure that he didn't overwork himself, as best as he could, and from time to time taking him and his sister out to do menial things like karaoke or going out for drinks.

Then after Atsushi, Akutagawa really started to become better. Even taking a vow not to kill for six months.

Chuuya had been so proud of him.

So it hurt him to see those empty eyes staring straight into his soul because it reminded him of all the progress that Akutagawa made, only to now have it all taken from him.

Coming back to himself, Chuuya flung himself to the side to narrowly avoid another strike from Rashomon. He gritted his teeth at the aching sensation such movement sent through his ribs.

They should've been more careful. They should've done something more withstanding than tying him to a fucking chair. If they had then maybe they wouldn't be in this terrible situation.

Atsushi had gotten back up now and was moving towards Akutagawa with his hands held up, a desperate look shining in his watery eyes.

"Please, come back. I can't live knowing I did this to you. Please Ryuunosuke, I can't. I know it should've been me. It really should've been me. I mean, you would've known what to do. You always did. I don't. I can just be so weak, Ryuu and I can't do this without you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So please, just come back."

There was no answer.

Instead, Rashomon just raced towards Atsushi, who didn't even try to dodge, just staring at it with confusion like he couldn't quite make sense of what was happening. He didn't even look scared at the thought that it could end his life.

It was just sad.

Dazai wasn't much better either.

He was still standing at the door.

Entirely still. Face blank.

It was completely unlike him and yet, Chuuya understood. He always understood.

Dazai was hurting. He was finally realizing just how much he'd fucked up.

Chuuya wished that Akutagawa knew how much Dazai cared because, underneath the mask of disapproval and disgust, Dazai really did care about him. He just didn't know how to show it, because Akutagawa reminded him so much of a more emotional version of his younger self. Dazai had never been the best at self-love.

Intercepting Rashomon, Chuuya redirected it into the far wall, making the entire house tremble on its foundations.

They couldn't let this continue for much longer.

Feeling the strain of using his ability in a fight like this, so soon after everything that he had put his body through back at Meursault, Chuuya forced himself to swallow back the pain and exhaustion as he lunged at Akutagawa, his fist colliding with the younger's jaw and sending him flying back.

Akutagawa didn't even wince, so far gone from humanity as he was. Instead, he just took the hit.

It was so unlike him that it hurt.

Akutagawa was someone who felt too much, not this thing that had taken over his body, leaving him practically void of emotion.

He didn't stay down for very long though, instantly springing back to his feet and sending attacks out left and right.

Chuuya did his best to protect the three of them from the onslaught, but it was difficult having Atsushi distracting him with his painful pleas for Akutagawa to return to himself and Dazai just standing at the doorway, locked away in his mind. Then there was the glaringly obvious fact that Chuuya was hardly in good enough shape to put up a fight, given that he couldn't even walk on his own, needing to use his ability to even move around.

So when Akutagawa finally managed to break through Chuuya's defenses, he wasn't surprised.

Rashomon slammed into him, nailing him in the chest and sending him flying backward into the wall.

Before impact, Chuuya did manage to alter his density so that the impact wasn't as bad as it could've been. However, with the great strain that he was already putting on his ability, he was still left a little bit stunned from the impact as he slide to the floor, narrowly dodging another attack from Rashomon by twisting his body to the side.

Seeing Chuuya being thrown around like that was what finally seemed to break Dazai from his uncharacteristic trance-like state, as he finally waltzed into the room, positioning himself in front of Chuuya.

"Akutagawa!" He exclaimed with a wave, all the emotion from earlier had left his features, "long time no see. You seem a bit weaker than the last time I saw you, a bit disappointing, don't you think? I mean Chuuya is tiny! You should've taken him way earlier."

Chuuya was floored. Ignoring Dazai's comment about his height, out of all the things that Dazai could have said, he chose to say that? What was the fuck was he thinking? Anger settled deep within Chuuya's chest, but it didn't last for long when suddenly, he began to realize what Dazai was doing. When he did, he just wanted to wrap Dazai up in a hug and never let go.

When Chuuya had been trapped under the same ability that Akutagawa was right now, Dazai had been able to bring him out of it, by managing to tap into Chuuya's emotions and making him angry enough to come back. All Akutagawa had ever wanted was Dazai's approval, so saying what Dazai was saying right now had a chance of bringing him back just like it had Chuuya, going by the same theory.

However, in doing so, they were still running the risk that he'd come back dying or dead from the battle that he'd endured before being possessed by Bram's ability. Except maybe without using Dazai's ability outright, this way the risk might be a little bit less. Just maybe.

Akutagawa stared blankly at Dazai. Not making any moves of aggression just yet, but it was still quite obvious that he was trapped in his vampiric state.

"What are you doing?" Chuuya heard Atsushi exclaim, rushing over to Dazai's side. "Why would you say that to him?"

"Because he's a disappointment," Dazai continued, as though he were pointing out the obvious, staring straight into Akutagawa's eyes. "I mean really Akutagawa, you let yourself fall to such a lowly ability? How incredibly sad."

Atsushi's hands clenched into fists, glaring at Dazai with what Chuuya could only regretfully describe as hatred. Unlike Chuuya, he didn't realize what Dazai was doing. Honestly though, how could he?

It was sad. Really fucking sad.

Rashomon was getting ready for another attack.

Chuuya wanted to explain it all to Atsushi. He wanted to tell him exactly what Dazai was doing, but there wasn't enough time. There was never enough time.

Besides, much to Dazai's probable horror, his attempt to bring Akutagawa back without his ability didn't even work.

And then, everything just seemed to happen really fast.

Still collapsed on the floor, Chuuya felt helpless. A feeling that he hated.

Atsushi was fuming at Dazai. His back was turned to Akutagawa.

Rashomon struck out, but instead of aiming for Dazai, the one who was trying to egg him on, it aimed for Atsushi's heart with the intent to kill.

Atsushi who didn't see it coming.

Atsushi who was about to die.

Chuuya watched in horror as Dazai sprung forward, shoving Atsushi out of the way.

He knew this was how it would end. They both did, but seeing it become a reality made it so much worse.

Atsushi fell to the ground.

Dazai reached a hand out nullifying Rashomon.

And in turn, Bram's ability as well.

Atsushi was standing again now, staring at Akutagawa in horror as he came back to himself, the light of his remaining life returning to his eyes.

It was almost ghost-like how the gash from Fukuchi's blade tore open once more, as blood began to spill from Akutagawa's throat.

Chuuya's heart felt like it had sunk to his stomach.

However, looking into Atsushi's eyes, Akutagawa didn't look scared at the thought of dying or confused about where he was. Instead, he just smiled, before collapsing to the ground.

Atsushi caught him before he hit it and suddenly Chuuya felt like he was intruding upon something terrible and undeniably private.

Akutagawa was sprawled out on the ground his head resting on Atsushi's lap.

"Oh god. Oh god." Atsushi stuttered out, a panicked hand fluttering over Akutagawa's neck as if that would stop the bleeding.

"It's okay. I don't... I don't regret it," Akutagawa rasped out, despite how painful it must've been for such words to leave his mouth, and then Atsushi was sobbing. His cries were loud and pained.

"But I just got you back! Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me here! I can't do it without you. I'm sorry it was you, it should've been me. I know, it should've been me."

"No… it was always… meant to be me." Akutagawa coughed at the strain from using his voice and his eyes watered. "Not… not your fault."

Atsushi just cried holding him tighter.

It was then that Akutagawa seemed to notice Dazai standing a short distance away.

"Dazai?" Akutagawa rasped, a little bit of life seeming to return to his eyes, but still too far gone to be confused by his presence. "I did… what you asked. I saved... him. Are you… are you finally proud of me?"

"I was always proud of you. I'm sorry I never showed it." It was so uncharacteristic of him, but Dazai looked like he was about to start crying himself.

Atsushi tensed up at the words and Chuuya was confused, but Akutagawa seemed satisfied.

"Good," Akutagawa rasped.

A weight seemed to disappear from Akutagawa's chest at the confession. Then his eyes rose to meet Atsushi's once more, something bittersweet swimming within them.

"I'm sorry," Atsushi was still crying, "I'm so so sorry."

With the last of his strength, Akutagawa lifted a hand, placing it against Atsushi's cheek who leaned into it.

"Don't...be sorry. I did... did it... because I... because I love... love... y-"

Akutagawa couldn't even finish his sentence as he finally slumped in Atsushi's arms.

He was gone.

The world seemed to stop spinning.

Atsushi was no longer sobbing. Dazai was no longer talking. Chuuya was no longer moving.

It was so still as though one little change would cause everything to break like glass.

And it did.

Atsushi's had his head hung over Akutagawa's body. His arms held him tightly like if he held him close enough it would bring him back. He was silent. Deadly silent. Silent tears made their way down his face.

Chuuya couldn't breathe. He couldn't even begin to process his own grief over the situation.

The boy who he had tried to help. The boy who he had cared about like a son. How the hell was he going to tell Gin? Even the thought of it just broke his heart.

He watched as Atsushi finally began to truly break down over Akutagawa's body. An unearthly, animalistic scream of hurt and loss built up in his throat.

It was so raw that it even pained Chuuya, someone who only knew Atsushi in passing.

Finally, as he began to feel some tears of his own making their way down his face, the haunting reality of the situation began to sink in. He watched in silence as Dazai took a step forward, trying to comfort his protégé.

"Atsushi? It's going to be okay, alright? I'm so sorry."

Atsushi didn't reply, just continuing to hug Akutagawa to his body. His eyes were stretched wide with horror shining in their depths.

He looked almost lost.

It was only when Dazai finally rested a hand on his shoulder that Atsushi broke free from his paralyzing grief.

Atsushi was broken and trembling, so when he lifted his head to meet Dazai's eyes, Chuuya was slightly surprised to see rage pooling within them.

"What did he mean when he said that he did what you asked? What did he mean when he said that he saved someone? What did you do, Dazai?" Atsushi's voice was a whisper, like if he raised it any louder everything would fall to pieces more so than it already had.

A beat of silence.

"Tell me!"

"I did what I did to protect you," Dazai wouldn't meet Atsushi's gaze. "It was the only way."

Silence.

Atsushi didn't ask for any elaboration, because even Chuuya could figure out what that meant.

Whatever he did, Dazai did something to make sure that Akutagawa would protect Atsushi.

Atsushi would hate him for it.

Chuuya however, knew Akutagawa well enough to know that he had made that decision of his own discretion as much as Dazai and Atsushi might want to take the blame for themselves.

Akutagawa had loved Atsushi, just as he had tried to say. It was obvious even to Chuuya that he would do anything to save him. Chuuya would do the same for Dazai anyways.

Besides, after a few drinks, Atsushi was all Akutagawa seemed to want to talk about.

Gently, Atsushi laid Akutagawa down on the carpet, using his hand to carefully slide his eyes shut. Then, he stood, making his way over to Dazai.

Chuuya and Atsushi arguably didn't know each other very well. Sure they had interacted in the past, but they'd never really gotten to know each other very well. However, from what Chuuya had gathered, Atsushi was not one to head straight for violence. That was always something much more in tune for Akutagawa to do. So he was a little surprised when Atsushi raised a fist, slamming it straight into Dazai's face, sending him to the floor with an audible crack.

Dazai didn't try to block. He didn't try to plead. He just let it happen and when he fell to the ground he stayed there, staring blankly into the distance as the past finally caught up to him.

With his ability, Atsushi probably would've sent him flying straight through the wall.

"You should've just let me die! Because of you, I'll never even get to tell him that I love him too, dammit! It just should've been me. It should've been me. It should've been me…"

He looked so lost and even though Chuuya wasn't close to him, it was obvious to anyone that he needed some form of comfort. With Dazai now taken out of the equation, the only one left was Chuuya. So using his ability to help him stand, Chuuya made his way over to Atsushi and wrapped his arms around him, enveloping him in a hug.

At first, Atsushi was stiff, seemingly confused as to what was happening, but then he seemed to sink into Chuuya's arms, wrapping his own around Chuuya's waist and wetting his shirt with his tears.

It hurt to realize that he'd never get to see Akutagawa again.

It really fucking hurt.

Finally, the hug ended and Chuuya took a step back, slightly surprised when Atsushi didn't go right back to Akutagawa. Instead, he just stood there for a few moments, as he glared at Dazai, who was still laying there on the floor, looking equally as lost as Atsushi.

"Get out." Atsushi's voice was low and angry. It was so unlike what Chuuya had known him to be like.

Dazai finally pushed himself up and off the ground, resting on his knees.

"Atsushi, I'm sorry. I should've thought farther ahead. I didn't think-"

"You never do! All you ever do is think about yourself. You lie and you hurt and you manipulate those around you all for your own personal gain and I hate it. I hate you, Dazai!"

"Atsushi-"

"Get out!" Atsushi was trembling, pointing at the door, tears still streaming down his face. "Just… just get out!"

Finally, Dazai listened. He stood, face full of loss and regret.

For a moment his eyes settled on the still body of Akutagawa that still laid there lifelessly.

Then, he left and headed back in the direction of their shared room.

Chuuya was quick to follow. As much as he didn't really want to leave Atsushi alone with the dead body of the man who he had loved, he needed to make sure that Dazai would be okay too.

Regardless, he was sure that Atsushi would probably want some time alone with Akutagawa before they figured out plans for his burial.

When he made it back to their room, Dazai was curled up in their bed, just staring at the far wall with a broken expression twisting his face.

"Dazai…" Chuuya's heart broke for the tenth time that day as he made his way to their bed and pulled Dazai up against his chest, pulling his head up against his shoulder.

And then Dazai just broke.

He was crying harder than Chuuya had ever heard him cry before.

With Dazai, crying was a rare occurrence, but when he did it was generally quiet and much more subdued.

But now Akutagawa was dead and Dazai was lost because it was indisputable that it was at least partially his fault, whether or not he'd actually wished death upon Akutagawa.

For Chuuya the loss felt like he was slowly having a sword being stabbed through his chest. It was agonizing. Painful.

For Dazai it must've been tenfold.

Even though Dazai had failed Akutagawa, it didn't mean that he hadn't cared. Chuuya knew that Akutagawa had been someone who Dazai had loved like a parent loved their child. He just didn't know how to show such affection, because he'd never had a good example between Mori and what Chuuya speculated Dazai's parents had been like from some conversations that they'd had after one too many drinks.

So Dazai had taken Akutagawa and tried to make him unbeatable in all the ways that he knew how. As fucked up as it all was, he wanted to protect Akutagawa. He wanted to give him the ability to live his own life.

And despite that Akutagawa was still dead, seemingly because of something else that Dazai had ingrained into him. That he had to protect Atsushi.

Chuuya couldn't say that he was entirely surprised. He knew that Atsushi was someone who Dazai also cared about deeply in that parental way. Except with Atsushi, Dazai hadn't fucked up quite as bad. There was still hope that he might be able to have a good life.

Akutagawa hadn't had that opportunity. As much as Chuuya would've been happy for him to see him thriving in the light, with the way that Akutagawa's path was paved. With the type of person he was. With the way that his life had gone, such a thing was a distant dream.

Maybe it was possible in another reality, but not here. Not now. Not in this time and place.

So saving Atsushi was the logical answer and cold, hard logic was something that Dazai stood by because even if nothing else could be trusted, logic could.

Logic was factual. Logic was immovable. Logic would never let you down.

It didn't make the outcome ever hurt any less though.

"I killed him," Dazai breathed out in between sobs, "I really killed him. I mean... I mean it's all my fault. Chuuya… I don't… I don't want to be here anymore. I don't deserve to be here anymore."

Chuuya's arms tightened around Dazai, his heart rate picking increasing in speed at Dazai's words.

"Osamu, please don't say that."

"But Chuuya, I don't deserve to live. What's the point to living if all I ever do is destroy everything around me? It's like I'm cursed. No, I am cursed. Every turn of the way I bring down hell on those around me and yet, I'm still here. Why am I still here?"

Chuuya had never been good with words, so instead of refuting what Dazai had said with some long pretty monologue, he just lifted Dazai's head with a finger, staring into his teary brown eyes with his own blue.

"You can't control everything. Sometimes people just die."

"Then why don't I? When I told him to protect Atsushi, I didn't mean… I never meant-"

"Dazai..." Chuuya rested his hand on his cheek and Dazai leaned into the touch, squeezing his eyes shut. "It wasn't your fault."

Dazai didn't seem to really believe him, but he stopped talking after that.

His head sunk into Chuuya's shoulder once more and both of them allowed each other to break down in each other's arms over the loss of someone who had been like a son to both of them throughout their lives.

That night, no one slept.