02: The Dog.
Sunday, April 2, 2017, evening
"Hinata," Hiashi's voice said in his usual testy tone.
Without raising my eyes, I replied a submissive "Yes, Otoo-sama?"
"The day after tomorrow is a meeting with a very important man. Make sure you are ready by noon. And do not forget to apply cooling gel, otherwise he will wonder why you are so flushed."
The callousness with which my father brought me this gruesome news sent an ice-cold shiver down my spine. Just hearing the word "meeting" come out of his mouth was nausea-inducing. Except for Hanabi, everyone at the table knew what it meant, and no one cared what it triggered in me. I closed my eyes and nodded. "Yes, Otoo-sama," I murmured to my rice and shoved the chopsticks in without actually picking it up. I didn't eat much anyway, but now I had lost my appetite even more. "A very important man" meant pain. In my experience, the bigwigs were the worst because they had nothing to fear. There he came, my number thirty-six. With him, the number of my sexual partners would finally rise to twice my age. Bingo? Did I get a cookie as a gift? And I didn't give a fuck if the guy still saw the marks of my laser therapy or not. I was smooth, looked like ten despite my sprouting bust, he could enjoy that and should keep his mouth shut, the putz. Oh King, what would I give if it were you. How many more meetings did I have to endure before I finally saw him..? Soon, I knew, even my deafness would no longer be able to help me and—
"Oji-sama, do you have any idea what he wants from you?" Neji asked, taking a bite of his own rice.
Hiashi growled. "We have had a peace agreement with the Uchiha for years, which has always been untouched. When this damned Madara asks for an audience, he either wants to expand the agreement and do business, which can only serve us, or he dares a covert attack. Either way, we have to be attentive. Reinforce the guards at the house for the next days, involve the Four. I do not want to risk being ambushed. We must not underestimate the man under any circumstances." Was my father.. afraid? I suppressed a smile. I would love to hear him speak in this tone more often.
"Yes, Oji-sama," Neji said and without looking at him, I knew that he was bowing his head submissively. My cousin was truly Hiashi's lapdog, who willingly licked the shit off his shoes. He certainly expected his behavior to lead him to a quick rise within the Gin'nome-kai, because although Hiashi himself was only too happy to benefit from his relationships with all kinds of position holders in the city, he showed only a small amount of nepotism towards his nephew. Of course, Hiashi had always preferred Neji to me and Hanabi, if only because he was a boy and Hiashi could therefore raise him to be the son Sukunai had never wanted to bear him, but when it came to business, Hiashi remained firm. You could almost feel sorry for Neji – but only if he wasn't such a backstabbing ass-crawler who treated me as if I were subordinate to him. If his father were still alive, he didn't have such a big face here in the house, because then his place would be completely different and Hiashi would treat him as what he was: his useless and selfish nephew, nothing more. Yes, I hated Neji, just for the fact that he wanted to follow in Hiashi's footsteps and become the clan leader himself at some point, as if that was the coolest title on earth. Only until then he still had to learn a lot, even I saw that. Hiashi simply had a better nose when it came to business.
I wasn't actually interested in what my father negotiated with whom. Although that was too general to put it, after all, a successful conclusion of the contract meant my abuse. So I did care if the meetings went well for Hiashi, but I didn't care who the man was who came into the next room where I had to wait. Now, however, I was curious. As the daughter of the head of the Gin'nome-kai and a subliminally observant woman, I knew about the previous clashes between the Hyuuga and the Uchiha, the bloody street fighting, the assassinations of the clan leaders, and also the negotiations for a truce sixteen years ago. They had taken a long time and each side had to make concessions, but in the end my father and the head of the Akaiisan-kai had come to an agreement and the underground war had subsided. Hiashi was right. The fact that Madara Uchiha was now looking for a conversation was worth considering and there was something in the air. Whether this was good or bad remained to be seen.
But first I had another meeting ahead of me, with – of all people – a man about whom I had heard many and only a few bearable stories, and then the day after tomorrow. Due to the hours of preparation, I wouldn't have time to attend the lectures in the morning and honestly I was sure that I wouldn't have the strength to go to university at all afterwards, if there was even a spark of truth in the rumors. So a whole day that I missed, and that right at the beginning of my studies. How was I supposed to explain this to the lecturers? Hiashi really did it again, shit.
When the evening round dispersed, I trotted disgruntled to the upper floor. Like every day, I wished my little sister a good night with a gentle smile and watched her disappear into her room. Hanabi.. For her sake, I put on a different mask instead of the one I wore in front of my father and everyone else. She was just twelve and hardly noticed anything of all the chaos around her. I even doubted that she knew that our father was a criminal. For me, the penny had dropped very late. She worshipped him in traditional Japanese fashion, just as I had once done.
I sighed, retreated to my own room and slipped into my pajamas. From the bathroom between our rooms, I heard the toilet flushing, then the click of a door. On quiet soles I scurried to the toilet. As always, I left the light off so as not to arouse any further suspicion, knelt in front of the porcelain bowl, bent over the toilet seat and stuck an index finger down my throat while holding up my hair with the other hand. I choked and vomited the little dinner I had eaten. Definitely rice, was always nice to look at. I repeated this procedure two more times until only bile hit the wastewater. In front of the dark mirror, I combed my hair, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and returned to my room.
As soon as I sat cross-legged on my futon and had pulled out my drawing book, there was a knock. "Hinata-sama?" asked the muffled voice of Kou on the other side of the door.
"Yes," I just answered, and steps moved away. I waited until Kou asked Hanabi two rooms away, who also confirmed her presence and he disappeared. Now it became quiet in the house until I heard clear noises and couldn't help but smile. The little one was indeed predictable.
Hanabi tiptoed into my room and snuggled up to me on the futon. "Man, these controls are so corrosive," my sister whispered annoyed.
"Father thinks they're necessary," I remarked just as quietly. After Kou's evening tour, no one came into our part of the house, but we were still careful, after all, we didn't want to be caught.
"Mhhh," Hanabi growled and put her head in my lap. "What are you painting right now?"
I opened my sketchbook and showed her the last pages. There were some people on it, sad, laughing, thoughtful. "The day before yesterday on the bus, when I was driving to university. They simply fascinated me."
"Understandable," Hanabi replied, pointing to a boy of about fifteen who was staring absent-mindedly out of the window with headphones on his ears. "He's cute."
I giggled, stroked her dark brown hair and said, "Yes, that's right, he was cute."
"Do you think you'll meet someone you like at university?"
"I don't know," I replied and shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe, maybe not. I'm not forcing it."
"I wish it for you. You should deeply fall in love," Hanabi smiled from below and I returned the gesture. "Thank you." I thought of King and asked myself inwardly if and, if so, when I should tell Hanabi about him. She was not someone who would betray me and actually I wanted to trust her, but something always held me back. Maybe because it was so up in the air with him and me? Or was it.. Lost in thought, I played with a strand of my sister's hair, twisted it between my fingers and curled it slightly. Was I somewhat ashamed of King? Our.. relationship was certainly not something that stick to the norm, but what in my life did it do? I wrestled with myself. "Erm, Hana-neechan..?"
Hanabi raised her head. "Huh?"
"I have a secret to tell you," I whispered, looking my sister firmly in the eyes. "Promise me that you won't tell anyone, not a single soul."
Without hesitation, Hanabi sat up straight, stretched out her right hand and we formed our secret handshake, which we had come up with years ago: cross fingers, thumbs together, let the heel of the hand meet, wrap the thumb around, continue the movement up to the elbow, loosen the pretzel again, fist up, fist down, stretch fingers and push them between those of the others, hint a spitting. "I swear by Wasabi-san's soundness."
Smiling, I nodded. When Hanabi brought her stuffed bunny into play, she was serious. I leaned forward and whispered almost silently: "I'm in love with someone. His name is King, and I met him online. Father doesn't know that I'm writing with him, but we've been together almost officially since Friday, and we love each other."
When I moved away from Hanabi again, I saw her frightened and at the same time enthusiastic face. She beamed from ear to ear and her eyes shone in the small lamp that stood on the narrow shelf above us. "Really? That's great! What's he like?"
"Wonderful," I smiled and decided to get my laptop. Hanabi raised his eyebrow at the notebook but said nothing. She knew immediately that she was not allowed to tell anyone about this thing either. She crouched down next to me and peeked over my shoulder. "Uh..", I said a little insecurely. "So.. We met each other.. on a site where you.. well, there you write rather intimately."
She gasped softly. "Do you mean.." She lowered her voice even further so that I could hardly understand her. "Do you mean sex?" I had recently thought it right to educate her on this subject. After all, she shouldn't grow up as mentally uptight as I did, in the end she also developed strange kinks and I didn't wish that on her.
Slowly I nodded. "Yes, but we didn't do it. We only know each other through the Internet. I don't even know what he looks like. But we've been writing for two years now and he.." I couldn't and didn't want to suppress a rapturous smile. "He's a really good guy."
I opened the chat with King and scrolled through the messages until I came to a conversation that actually had nothing disreputable about it and turned the laptop over to Hanabi so she could read it.
King_size94: [Hi. Did you get through the day well, Buttercup?]
"Are you Buttercup?" Hanabi asked.
"Yes, he doesn't know my real name, and I don't know his," I explained.
"Why 'Buttercup'?"
"He knows that I press flowers and like buttercups so much because of their color."
"Then the nickname is really cute..", Hanabi enthused.
"Yes," I smiled. Damn cute..
We read on.
be_my_ace: [Hey.. Kinda. I'm just happy to read your words, King.]
King_size94: [You sound sad. Do you want to talk about it?]
be_my_ace: [I don't know, it might be too private.] I still knew exactly that it had been the day of a meeting. At first I hadn't been sure if I wanted to write with King at all, but in retrospect I hadn't regretted it.
King_size94: [I understand that. Still, I don't like it when you're sad.]
be_my_ace: [Sorry I'm not in the mood..]
King_size94: [Stop it, Buttercup. That's not what I'm talking about. You are important to me and I want you to be well. I know that sometimes you just have to be sad and there's nothing bad about it, but I also know what it's like when you eat up negative feelings. So- do you want to puke your guts out?] It was ironic that King had chosen these words, as I now noticed. He didn't know anything about my bulimia and yet his formulation suited me eerily well.
be_my_ace: [It's just.. I don't know how to write this without giving too many details..]
King_size94: [Try it with a flower analogy.]
"What is an analogy?" Hanabi asked insecurely.
"A comparison," I answered.
be_my_ace: [Okay, I'll try.. Imagine that a marsh marigold has been struggling to hold on to a stony bank since it has grown. The river level is constantly rising and trying to wash it away, but each time it manages to hold on, but each time it gets weaker. It cannot secure its roots for much longer, it threatens to be swept away with every new flood. Today the river was again particularly ungrateful to the marsh marigold, and it threatens to lose its footing.]
"So beautiful," Hanabi commented, and I avoided explaining the meaning to her. Maybe she was old enough one day, but that wasn't the case today. I had just told her where babies came from and that you could have sex for pleasure, so she didn't have to know about suicide already.
King_size94: [The marsh marigold is the strongest flower I know. Her roots may weaken at times, but they never give up.]
be_my_ace: [What if they do at some point?]
King_size94: [Then I will catch her and plant her on a new bank where the river is calmer.]
be_my_ace: [What if you're not there, when the roots give up?]
King_size94: [I'll always be there for the marsh marigold. I will stand over her with an umbrella in wind and weather when the rain becomes too much. I will make sure day and night that her roots remain strong and that the river does not sweep her away. I promise. I promise I'll be there, Buttercup, whenever you need me.]
be_my_ace: [King.. I can't show myself to you today, but I want you to captivate me mentally, and I want to see you how—] "Whoopsies," I giggled, turning the laptop away from Hanabi again.
"Is he a poet?" she asked innocently.
"You might think so, wouldn't you?"
She nodded. "He writes very beautifully."
"Yes..", I sighed and reveled in thought. That had been the day I'd realized I loved King. "He writes really beautifully." Suddenly it pinged and my heart started racing. I hadn't even noticed that the green dot had appeared on King's profile picture in the meantime. I scrolled to the bottom and read: [Hey, Buttercup. You're still online after all :}]
"Uh, Hana-neechan? I think we should go to sleep."
As if on cue, Hanabi yawned and stretched. "Yes, I'm really tired too. And you have to go to university tomorrow. First day and stuff." She pinched my side. "But I'm happy for you and your King. You seem pleased when you talk about him." We kissed and she disappeared through the bathroom in her own room.
As soon as her door clicked audibly into the lock, I typed: [Hi! Yes, actually unintentionally. I'm already in bed, but I happened to be in the chat right now.]
King_size94: [Must have missed me, huh? :}]
be_my_ace: [Caught me! I just can't do without you..]
King_size94: [Oh no, I sense a dependency. But I benefit from that, so that's fine with me.]
be_my_ace: [Dork!]
King_size94: :} But why were you in the chat if you didn't intend to write to me?]
I hesitated. [Please don't be angry.. I told my sister about you..]
"King_size94 types..." appeared. It stopped, then it reappeared, and after a few minutes of interrupted typing, the question popped up: [You have a sister?]
be_my_ace: [Yes. We were just talking about boys and I wanted to tell her the truth. I trust her not to tell anyone!]
King_size94: [Boys.. sounds like I'm 13!]
be_my_ace: [You aren't?! Shame! Why doesn't anyone tell me that!]
King_size94: [You nut :P]
be_my_ace: [Tehehe~]
King_size94: [Does anyone else know about us?]
be_my_ace: [Not from my side. What about you?] Who, apart from my sister, should I tell that anyway..?
King_size94: [No. People may find it strange when you say you have a girlfriend online.]
At the penultimate word, my heart inevitably jumped and I grinned stupidly to myself. To be called "his girlfriend" by someone like King is something I would never have imagined in my wildest dreams. [I understand. I was only honest to Hanabi–, I quickly deleted her name and wrote instead: [–my sister because usually we tell each other everything. I was amazed at myself that I had endured it so long, actually! But it all feels so official since Friday and so, that's why I told her. Are you mad?]
King_size94: [No. I was surprised, admittedly. Also about the fact that you tell me that you have a sister. It's kinda a detail of yours.] Shit, he was right. [But I'm not mad, Buttercup. We want to take it slow, ok, but we don't want to tread water either, do we? And that doesn't mean that she has to get to know me or my parents right away.]
be_my_ace: [Oh dare the universe she meets you before me!]
King_size94: [Who knows, maybe she already has, and we'll never know~!]
be_my_ace: [I strongly doubt that.]
King_size94: [Why are you so sure about that?]
FUCK! What should I write now?! "Because my sister is twelve and hasn't left the house for six years." Sure. Why was I so unfocused today..? I usually didn't make such mistakes. Hoping he would leave it at that, I wrote: [Trust me, bro!]
King_size94: [Huh, youth language. But you're not tricking me with that. I have Google Translate at hand!]
be_my_ace: [Ahhh, but I don't know if the teacher accepts that..]
King_size94: [She has to, I have no choice.]
be_my_ace: [She doesn't have to and she won't. I would say that this calls for punishment.]
King_size94: [Oh. No! What do I have to do, Sensei~?]
I grinned again at the thought of how easily we had made it into a completely unintentional role-play. And apparently I set the tone this time. I let my fingers crack and dug for a dominant vein that hopefully had to be slumbering somewhere inside me.
Monday, April 3, 2017, morning
It was a mild spring day, only light clouds in the sky, the cherry blossoms were falling, I was highly nervous because of my social incompetence. And I was damn tired. King and I had been texting until two o'clock in the morning, and after we had said goodbye, I had spent the rest of the night in a twilight sleep, as usual. At seven Kou had woken me up during his morning tour and I looked and felt accordingly. My head was buzzing to the beat of the second hand of the wall clock and I kneaded my hands under the table in the hope of directing my pain to another part of my body.
Legal history was a compulsory subject for law students, and I had absolutely no idea what was in store for me. Actually, I wouldn't call myself shy, but since I had no real experience in communicating with my peers and also felt like I had a fatal hangover, I had found a seat in lecture hall 41-B in the last row at the very edge right next to the door. Maybe it was due to my flight instinct that I wanted to know the emergency exit near me, damn Kou, I got the paranoia from him, but maybe I just didn't want to draw attention to myself. Either way, I was glad that only one person could sit next to me. And on the vacant chair sat a guy of all people who was extremely strange.
He had dull black hair that stood up shaggy, as if he had put a finger in the socket for breakfast, wore round, black sunglasses and he somehow radiated a strange aura. Despite the darkened lenses, I noticed the way he looked at me, and inevitably thought that I must also seem strange to him. I should steal his style and wear sunglasses all day, then not everyone stared into my eyes and asked what color they really had. I had heard this question far too often throughout the morning. People my age didn't seem to know anything about restraint, but well. I obviously had to deal with that. I could never have imagined how difficult it actually was to be around people so much, especially since I also had a certain fear hanging on my neck that they might not like me. I smiled shallowly at the person sitting next to me, who just nodded back silently. What a bird. Well, he already had the fitting nest on his head.
When the door closed behind me and a loud man's voice said: "Silence please!", the humming in the room fell silent and I flinched because of this unexpected severity and because of my headache. This brash demeanor reminded me of my private teacher, and I almost feared a blow to the back of the head because I didn't sit straight enough or had breathed too loudly or even dared to exist.
But when the man continued to speak, he sounded a little softer. "Good morning. I will now give you an overview of the topics we will cover this semester."
Immediately an intoxicating scent entered my nostrils. The man put a stack of papers on my table and said, "Please pass it through the rows," but I hardly noticed what he said or how I absently followed his instructions. My eyes, almost foggy from his smell, were fixed on the back of his veiny hand, which, as soon as his long, slender, pale fingers had let go of the papers, moved away from my field of vision. Shocked, I stared at the man from below and although I could only look at him from behind now, my heart was racing. Was he.. but.. no. It couldn't be that I met him so quickly. And anyway, he was much too old. King was twenty-three!
Also..
He had arrived at the front of the whiteboard and turned towards the room. Even if he had revealed himself as King on the spot, I wouldn't have wanted to believe him.
My first thought was, 'He smells better than he looks.' His woody perfume harmonized wonderfully with his body scent and his hands were welcome to do something else with me, but the rest of his appearance was sobering, even repulsive. His gray hair stood out wildly in all directions, as if he had fallen asleep on the couch, overslept and didn't even find the time to pick up a comb before the lecture. But my optical dislike of him didn't just stop at his stoic hairstyle, which could do with a new cut. I didn't like anything about him, apart from his hands and his smell. Yes, I would even call him ugly. Not only did his hair look unkempt, but his beige shirt seemed almost worn out, his vomit-inducing, green cardigan was full of animal hair, so that around him a fluffy fur glowed in the neon light of the lecture hall, his cheap jeans were washed out and his face was adorned with dark circles, a beard shadow and a coarse scar vertically on his left eye. I came from a strict and almost clinical household and found it disrespectful to walk around in such a disgusting manner. I immediately labeled him with three adjectives: tired, disheveled, poor. And I didn't find any of this appealing. No, he wasn't allowed to be king. Somehow he was actually disfigured by the scar and I wouldn't have had anything against it, but the guy was.. terrible. And then his gaze. The languid, black eyes spoke something that reminded me of a kicked dog.
His name was Professor Kakashi Hatake. I didn't know whether I should be happy about seeing him more often in the near future. Against my will, I felt inexplicably drawn to him, and over the next hour and a half I found myself staring at him for minutes at a time, lost in thought, not really taking in what he was saying - until someone nudged me from the side. "Hey, do you know how I make small caps?"
"Huh?" Hastily, I tore my gaze away from the professor and bumped the tip of my nose against that of the person sitting next to me. He pulled his head back a bit, he probably didn't expect me to react so quickly and so uncontrollably. "Small caps." He pointed to his laptop.
"O-oh, uh.. Well," I stuttered to myself and felt strangely caught. Had he noticed how I had kept my eyes fixed on Hatake?! I felt my ears getting hot, so I smoothed my hair so as not to let the telltale signals shine through, and tried energetically to collect myself. "Small caps?"
"Yes, for the quote from Judge Hanakichi. I don't work with this program very often," he explained quietly so that he didn't disturb anyone else around us, even though chips had been being eaten loudly for an hour one seat away.
"Um.." Damn it, Hinata, pull yourself together! You give the impression that you can't even get the simplest conversation baked. "Small caps, yes. Go u-up to the rider here..", I whispered and leaned a little closer to him. Quite subliminally, I perceived a whiff of disinfectant emanating from him. After formatting the quote neatly, he said quietly, "Thank you." He hesitated for a moment. "I'm Shino Aburame."
"Uh," I just blurted out and didn't even know why this simple introduction threw me off my game so much. It wasn't as if I found him attractive or anything like that. It seemed to be just really my inability to communicate. Fuck you, Hiashi. "M-my name is Hi–" A loud gong boomed in my head and all of a sudden a happy moving of chairs flared up. Hatake shouted something, but no one seemed to listen to him – let alone that anyone could have understood him in the turmoil. "Hi-Hinata Hyuuga," I whispered and was undecided whether Shino had still understood my name, because he already secured his note, closed the laptop and stowed it in his backpack together with his water bottle. Without another word, he got up and walked over to a few other students to talk to them.
'Great performance, Hinata', I reprimanded myself in my head and grimaced for a moment. Why was it so difficult for me to talk to others?! I could do it with the boys in the Ame club and my sister, so why not here, when I finally had the opportunity to make contacts and maybe even make friends? That would get hard for me, I knew that.
The lecture hall gradually emptied and I also began to pack up my things. My eyes fell on my timetable and I noticed that I was to have another lecture in legal history tomorrow at noon. Something in me contracted painfully and again I looked at Hatake in front of the whiteboard, who stacked his books and looked completely exhausted. I had to tell him that I wouldn't show up tomorrow, but my stomach feared that he would ask why. I had no idea if Hiashi would give me an excuse for my absence and if it was even necessary, but what if it was? What if I were expelled from university without it? No, that mustn't happen! If I could no longer go to university, which was my only chance to leave the house without hesitation, then–
"Uh, Hatake-s-sensei?" I stammered as he approached me to leave the room like his students. He didn't seem to have heard me, or he ignored me, shit, which of these was worse? So I said a little louder and with a little more self-confidence than I could muster: "Sensei?"
He stopped and turned to me. "Huh? Yes, please?" When he looked into my eyes, he was taken aback for a moment, but didn't say anything about her color. At least something. I didn't want to talk about it again.
There was this smell of wood and forest and something somewhat pleasant and my heart was racing incessantly again. "I-I.. I have to.. must tell you something.."
"What's the matter?" he asked kindly.
I felt my chest tighten. My skin was getting warm and cold at the same time, and I struggled to breathe evenly. Just say it! "W-well... I..." It rustled in my ears and my vision blurred a bit. Trying to find the right words, I painfully kneaded my fingers again under the table.
"Is everything okay with you?"
"I... I-I... can.. tomorrow..."
"Hey!"
No, please don't throw me out! Hiashi would be angry, oh yes, so angry. He would punish me, kill me. "I..."
I blacked out for a second and when I was halfway sane again, I saw the keyboard of my laptop in front of me, but I couldn't see the signs on it.
Suddenly I heard a deep, calm voice echoing muffled in my head, close and yet so far. "Do you understand me?"
A jolt went through my body and I knew, no, I suspected that I had nodded. At least that's what I hoped.
"Okay. Does my presence scare you right now?"
Another jolt, this time a different one. No, he didn't scare me, not he, but—
"Does this room scare you right now?"
The same jolt. Oh not the university! I enjoyed being here. Any place was better than home, where I would have to stay forever if I—
"Focus on my voice. Breathe in through your nose until I stop counting. One.." I followed his request and began to suck air through my quivering nostrils. "Two.." My lungs were shaking and didn't want to take in any more oxygen, but I just kept going. "Three.." My chest wanted to burst. STOP IT! "Now hold your breath until I have stopped counting. One.. Two.. Three.." I felt dizzy again, my heart was pounding somewhere in my throat and I broke off, exhaling the air with a soft gasp and I could feel something liquid dripping from my chin. Whether it was a tear, a drop of sweat or saliva, I couldn't say. But no matter what it was, I just wanted to die of shame. He shouldn't look at me, not like that, not when I was so ugly—
"Once again. Inhale through the nose. One.."
With effort, I repeated the attempt and this time I managed to hold my breath for the seven seconds and exhale evenly through my mouth for eight seconds while he counted.
"You are doing very well. Keep breathing the same way and close your eyes." I did as he commanded me. Although it wasn't an order, but somehow it was. I lowered my eyelids and breathed in and out consciously.
"Very good." His voice sounded louder now, less muffled than before. "Listen to me. You are suffering a panic attack" – I stopped briefly to take a breath. What?! – "but I'm here to help you. You hurt yourself, please put your hands on the table." I lifted my heavy, numb arms and placed my hands on the tabletop. Where had my laptop gone? And why was there.. "Blood," I gasped and my gaze blurred again.
"It's okay. We'll take care of that in a moment. It's all right, no one will hurt you here. You are safe. I'm here, do you understand? I'll take care of you. May I touch you?"
I felt my nod much clearer than just these many hours ago. Something damp settled on my forehead and immediately the noise in my head subsided.
"Please tell me what you're afraid of so I can help you."
"I.. I wanted...", I started and grimaced. Had I been sobbing?
"It's all right, it's all good."
I blinked and felt cool fingers on my burning hands, which still rested stiffly and trembling on the tabletop.
"Don't talk about it if you can't. Just breathe and listen to me. I plan to eat ramen today."
"What?" I jerked my head up and stared at an indistinct face framed by wild, gray hair.
"Yes, I like ramen. I already cooked the broth yesterday. I'm really looking forward to the evening when I can finally put my legs up and enjoy my ramen with a good show on TV. Do you like ramen?"
"Um.. Yes.."
"Do you prefer shoyu, miso or tonkotsu?"
"Miso."
"Me too," he nodded and smiled. There was a smile. I could see it, somehow. "Although I have nothing against Tonkotsu either. Sometimes it just tastes better to me, but it probably depends on my mood. What is your favorite dish?"
"I.. like cinnamon rolls very much."
"Ah, a sweet tooth. I was once in The Hague at the International Court of Justice and I didn't miss the opportunity to eat original poffertjes and heavens, they were good. Although there is a shop near the campus that imports them from Holland. Sometimes I can't resist the temptation, even though I shouldn't be eating so much sugar anymore. Health and stuff, the tiresome topic."
"Yes, if you get into such a feeding phase, it's not good," I agreed and nodded.
Hatake smiled. It was clearly a smile. "You're right." He took his hands off me, making the coolness on my forehead and the back of my hand disappear, and I lowered my gaze to my bloody nibbled thumbnail. "Oh, I-I'm sorry," I whispered and raised my hand, but a small bloodstain inevitably remained on the tabletop.
"No, everything is fine," he reassured me in a soft voice, folded a white towel that he had just pressed on my forehead and wiped away the blood with it. "I'll just get you a plaster. I'll be right back."
I sucked on my finger and heard his sneakers move a few feet away, then the squeak of a small metal door, and he came back. He took care of my wound, which was bleeding more than I first thought. Carefully he dabbed off the blood and wrapped a plaster around my thumb. "So. Hopefully nothing will ignite there."
"Mh..", I just said and had continued to lower my gaze. I just couldn't look him in the eye, not after what had just happened. "I'm sorry, Sensei, I didn't mean to stop you from taking a break."
He casually waved it off. "Please, don't worry about that. You are not a burden for me. I am happy to be there for you."
These last words awakened a spark in me and I said, albeit very quietly: "Excuse me, but I can't come to the university tomorrow and wanted to let you know so that you don't wonder where I am."
He crouched down next to me and spoke in a calm but insistent voice: "Were you afraid to tell me that?"
Hesitantly, I nodded. "Yes.. I was afraid you'd ask why."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay. I will never push you to do anything. But thank you for letting me know. Then I don't have to worry about you tomorrow." He sighed soundlessly and blew my hair in front of my face with his minty breath. I stroked it behind my ear and finally looked at him, even though my vision was still a bit blurred. There was something in his tired eyes that I couldn't name. It wasn't anything I'd ever seen in my life. It was no aversion, no curiosity, no indifference. Somehow.. I liked that expression. He reminded me a little bit of Orochimaru when I was with him, but with Hatake it was much more intense, much more profound, much.. more core-shaking. "How are you now?"
"I.. I think it's okay again."
"The best thing to do is to have a drink first. Do you have water with you?"
I nodded and took a water bottle out of my bag.
"You are certainly completely exhausted now. In such an attack, the body is electrified and releases vast amounts of adrenaline, from which you first have to come down again. It's best to stay seated until you can be sure that you won't black out right away. I'll keep you company as you don't mind."
With my lips on the bottle, I shook my head tentatively and watched as he straightened up, picked up a notepad from the floor and stowed it in his own bag. Before he closed it, I caught a glimpse of the exposed side and raised my eyebrows in surprise. It said, apparently scribbled in haste: "wet towel!"
I swallowed the amazingly soothing water and asked shyly: "Has.. Has anyone else noticed this.. well.. what has.. happened here?"
Hatake looked at me for a long time and I could feel him thinking intensively about an answer. Then he nodded briefly. "Yes, the person sitting next to you. He assessed the situation very well and supported me. But when I realized that you managed to calm down, I sent him away. A panic attack is usually very unpleasant for the affected person and you would prefer not to have anyone around you at that moment. I was glad that you accepted my presence so that I could help you."
I had to let that sink in first. So this Shino had seen how I hadn't been able to utter a word like a damn pile of misery. Terrific. What did he think of me now? On the other hand, he wanted to help me, so I owed him at least a thank you. Nevertheless. Everything on this first day was extremely embarrassing. My appearance towards my fellow students, my behavior during the lecture, this stupid seizure, even my outfit seemed much too stiff and old-fashioned and ugly with the blouse and skirt and it made me fat–
"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" Hatake snapped me out of my devastating downward spiral of self-loathing.
I raised my head and shook it. "No. Sometimes I get heart palpitations when.. well.. Sometimes something like that happens, but it's never been so intense."
"I understand.." He fell silent and again his thoughts were written on his face. I knew that he wanted to continue talking about it, but at the same time he didn't want to put me under pressure. And I was grateful that he left it at that. What could he have said? "Go to the psychologist." Sure. Hiashi would allow that because he was so kind-hearted and open-minded.
When, after about ten minutes of oppressive silence, I hesitantly packed my things – my laptop was just a little further in Shino's place – stood up and found that I was physically back in full swing, I bowed to Hatake and murmured to my shoes: "Thank you, Sensei."
"You're welcome," he smiled and shouldered his bag.
"Hatake-sensei?"
He paused. "Yes?"
"I.." I swallowed hard. "Could you keep this to yourself? I don't want to start as.. well, a freak."
He sighed again soundlessly. "Yes. If you wish, I will not tell anyone about it." He cleared his throat. "I have to confess something to you: At the beginning of each semester, I always have problems remembering the names of the students. I hope this is not too unpleasant, but may I ask what your name is?"
Heat made my ears glow treacherously and I brushed my hair again so that he wouldn't notice my nervousness. "H-Hinata Hyuuga."
Hatake's eyebrows twitched briefly, as if he were wondering about something, but he didn't mention that something. "If you have any problems again today during the lectures, do not hesitate to come to me. I'm either here or in my office on the fourth floor, yes?"
I nodded.
"So then. Please don't worry about tomorrow, it's all right. See you again on Friday at the latest for the next lecture. Do it well." He raised his hand, waved lightly, and walked out of the lecture hall.
I followed him and watched him disappear towards the stairs. His slow and slightly swaying gait made me suspect that he was deep in thought, and I could beat myself for it. Not only did he sacrifice his well-deserved break for me, no, now I was also causing him additional problems, shit. And that was only because I didn't have my fear under control. I would give everything to erase myself from his head.
be_my_ace: [Hey, are you there?]
King_size94: [Hi, Buttercup~ How was your day?]
be_my_ace: [Modest. I'm afraid I'm in for a tough week.]
King_size94: [Oh, I'm sorry! Do you want to talk about it?]
be_my_ace: [I'd like to, but you know – details. Tell me, very roughly: Do you know about panic attacks?]
King_size94: [Why do you ask? Did you have one? O_O]
be_my_ace: [No, don't worry. But someone who is important to me. He's had that on and off for a few weeks, only today it was really bad. I want to help him and I thought, maybe you have tips on how I can do so. The internet tells you something different all the time.]
King_size94: [Haha, yes, you can't always rely on auntie Google. I also know someone who gets panic attacks from time to time and she thinks it definitely helps that you recognize the symptoms and when they appear, make yourself aware that you are afraid at the moment, what exactly you are afraid of and that you face it. I don't know how else to put it, but it should help if you say at that moment: "Yes, I'm afraid of xy, but nothing can happen to me." And distraction, also important. It is best to have conversations with someone you trust or focus on breathing and/or objects. In the long run, of course, a therapy to research what triggers the attack, and: pets! At least they calm my friends down immensely.] I snorted.
be_my_ace: [Mh, pets are not an option for him and the therapy is also difficult right now, but I can do something with the other things. Thank you~]
King_size94: [No problem, I'm always there to help you with help and slice ]
be_my_ace: [Don't you mean "advice"?]
King_size94: [Do I? :}]
I grinned. This little kinky bastard just manages to get me horny for him just over and over again, no matter how shit I was.