Note: Some revisions were made to this chapter to help it flow much better.
Chapter 2: Punishment (Part 2)
Note to self: don't point a gun at Naruto... up close. Blitzø, unfortunately, learned this the hard way.
"My everything hurts," Blitzø whined in his office.
"Really? You being smashed into cars, the wall, the pavement, the post, the fire hydrant, the-"
"Moxxie, if I could move my legs, I'd fuck your ass so bad right now," the imp threatened.
"You mean 'fuck you up', right?" Millie asked.
"Either way works."
"Course it would with you," Verosika rolled her eyes.
"Why the fuck are you here anyway?" the imp growled.
"Can't an ex enjoy their ex's pain and misery?" Verosika smirked.
Blitzø would have retorted but he couldn't deny it was a good reason. He'd have done the same because he had done the same.
"What were you thinking anyway?" Tex asked.
"He wasn't," Millie, Moxxie and Loona answered as one.
"Thinking implies he has a brain," Verosika added.
"Fuck you! And, honestly, I didn't expect it to go down like that," Blitzø admitted and then winced. Oh, Satan his tail was burning. And not the good burn one got from candle wax being poured all over it. The bad kind of burn.
"Didn't you see what happened on Extermination Day? What did you expect, dumbass? He's the Beast of the Apocalypse and the son of Beelzebub," Verosika laughed but was also annoyed at the imp's stupidity.
"He's the son of a fucking Sin?!...Owwww~" Blitzø whined, the sudden rise sent painful spasms throughout his body, while Loona, Millie and Moxxie were wide-eyed.
"His mom's the Queen Bee herself?" Loona cursed her luck. Someone like that would have tons of Beelze-bitches - as they were known - after him. It went without saying other demons would see him as prized meat, too. As of now, out of all the Seven Sins, only two had direct heirs while the rest only had descendants or followers/minions.
"You didn't think he'd claim Satan's his uncle just for shits and giggles?…Uh, never mind, scratch that," both Tex and Verosika had to admit that Naruto would actually do that if he weren't the son of a Sin.
"Wouldn't be the first time these two morons fell for something like that anyway," Loona threw in.
"That happened once!" Millie defended.
Loona snorted at her reaction. It was mostly Millie if the hellhound was honest. Sure, Moxxie and Millie were idiots to take the hellhound's claim of Satan being his uncle at face value, but then again he was the only hellhound in history to pull off such an unbelievable stunt so it wasn't too far a stretch.
Learning he was the son of a Sin lent credit to the claim now. The Sins for the most part were a tight-knit group.
"Next you'll tell me Lucifer's his fucking hellfather," Blitzø snarked at the absurdity of the claim.
"He is."
"What?"
"Lucifer and Lady Lilith are his hellparents," Verosika gloated, "Bee told me herself."
"Oh, fuck me…Seriously, someone fuck me. I feel like shit and need to feel good right now," fucking over a son of a Sin was bad. Hellson of the King and Queen of Hell was worse. Add in the Beast of the Apocolypse and Blitzø had the most horrible cocktail of all time.
And Blitzø had tried a Bloody Tampon.
"Only if I can use-" Verosika's mouth was covered by a fur-covered claw.
"Let's not go there," having heard it all before, and the excessive details - not that he gave a shit since he wasn't paid enough - Tex wasn't all too keen to have that mental image in his head any time soon.
"Never going to happen, sir."
"Sorry, boss. Threesomes between us are only allowed if both me and Moxxie agree to 'em," Millie told him.
"Yeah, I remember your wedding vows," Blitzø glared as the memories of the hellhound that thrashed him came flooding back. Or was that blood? Regardless, the orange-furred plushie succeeded in a few minutes where Blitzø failed to accomplish for a long time now.
"We want that videotape back, by the way," Moxxie reminded his employer, "It's our only one."
Oh, this was awkward, "Ahh, yeah, 'bout that-"
"Aaaaahhhhh!"
"The fu-" Blitzø began to ask.
Wham!
But the sound of a door slamming prevented him from getting far.
"Hah, hah, hah!" Naruto panted as he leaned against the office door, his form covered with lipstick.
"Is that Lustful Red Number Six?" Blitzø noticed. Talk about pricy.
"What the fuck happened to you?"
"Your crew," Naruto frowned at the succubus before shifting his attention to the imp, "And how do you know that?"
"Hah! They accessed your holes, didn't they?" Blitzø merely grinned instead of answering. Karma was a bitch - Blitzø would know such she fucked him over, without lube, plenty of times - and now she found her newest hole to fuck!
"And then some, from the looks of it," Verosika laughed.
"I said don't ask!"
"When did you say that?" Moxxie inquired.
"Just now!"
"Ha!" Tex laughed at his girlfriend's progeny's state.
"When you said you had a crew, you did not say incubi would be involved!" Naruto accused Tex and Verosika. A room full of succubi was one thing. That was Heaven in Hell. One that included incubi, however, had been the exact opposite, to him at least. Succubi and incubi were sex freaks, but Naruto had no interest if it had eggs and sausage!
"Whoops," the succubus smile was sickeningly sweet.
"Must have slipped my mind," the succubus also grinned.
"Whoops this!" Naruto pulled out a piece of parchment and both of them lost said grin and developed a pale pallor.
"A piece of paper?" Loona was at a loss on why the pop star and her bodyguard looked worried.
"You wouldn't dare, would you?" Verosika practically begged. The last time she hadn't been able to orgasm for over a week. For a succubus that was worse than pure Hell.
"Aww, come on, man! It took me weeks to get the dye out!" the albino look had not been for him. Didn't help that there were pheromones mixed into it that drove hellhounds crazy, and Bee crazier with lust.
He couldn't feel anything from the waist down for weeks. Don't ask him about his tongue.
"Don't worry, I'll make it permanent! Might get some siblings I can spoil, too. Always wanted to be a big brother," Naruto grinned, as Vortex paled into even unhealthier shades, "Unless, of course, you can convince me otherwise?"
"Naruto," Verosika approached the angry demon and whispered something to him.
"…You're forgiven," Naruto scratched off Verosika's name, "Tick-tock, cyclops."
"Oh, come on, man!" Tex knew what his employer offered and the older hellhound had nothing as good.
"Grow a rack and an ass like this-"
"Eep!" Verosika cried in surprise.
"-and then we'll talk," Naruto told his mother's boyfriend.
"No, we won't," Tex called his bluff.
"Guilty."
"Did you have to pinch my ass?" said hand was still on said ass and kneading it like dough.
"Can't steal your bra and thong. You never wear 'em. Can't spank your ass either. That's bed stuff. There's a code of conduct to be had."
"Like you didn't enjoy it anyway," Tex deadpanned at the pop star.
"Guil-mmmm," Verosika went to admit on both counts but moaned instead as Naruto rubbed the pain away.
"Knew it~" Millie whispered/sang and grinned at her husband.
"Oh, crumbs," Moxxie hated losing a bet against his wife. She tended to go nuts, and not in the way he liked it...most of the time.
Loona was jealous.
"Foxy! Where are you?" a voice called.
"Piss off, Chet!" Naruto barked from the closed door, "Screw it! Deals off."
"Hey!"
"For him," Naruto elaborated.
"Oh, well, you have my sympathy," which was Verosika's way of saying Tex was fucked.
Tex wished he had thought of something sooner to placate her boyfriend's son, he knew he was so gonna pay for this. An argument could be made he should go after his mother, but Naruto wasn't crazy. Well, not that crazy. Plus, as Naruto once said, the woman nursed him. Meaning going after Bee was out.
"So...about our parking spot, Ms Verosika-" Moxxie began.
"Not giving it back," Verosika shot down. She might not have anything against Blitzø's employees and his adopted daughter - poor girl - but Blitzø was another matter entirely.
"Oh, come on!" Blitzø fumed, it had been a pain in the ass to get that parking space in the first place.
"What's your deal with him anyway?" Loona couldn't understand the animosity and this seemed way too personal from the looks of it.
"They dated," Naruto revealed, which shocked the opposing group.
"YOU DATED VEROSIKA MAYDAY?!" Loona couldn't believe it.
Neither could Moxxie, "YOU DATED A POPSTAR?!"
"Was that before or after she became a pop star?" Millie asked.
"Unfortunately, he did, and when I was starting out," Verosika informed I.M.P. in order.
"Why are you all acting like that's such a shock?" did people seriously believe he couldn't land popstar? Why? He was the pinnacle of imp sexiness.
"Hellooo, it's Verosika Mayday?" Loona said it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Seriously, how did Blitzø of all people end up with Verosika Fucking Mayday? Did she lose a bet?
"It's you," Millie followed up. Blitzø wasn't exactly a gentleman like her Moxxie.
"I just… Was she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage at the time?" Moxxie simply couldn't wrap his head around it. It actually hurt just thinking about it.
"I'm standing right here, ya know," Verosika wasn't amused. Though much as she'd like to claim otherwise, she had not been blind nor brain damaged despite the amount of booze she drank.
"Did you lose a bet? Drunk?" Naruto asked her, voicing Loona's thoughts. Not knowing the full story had him curious.
"No to the first, and part of the time for the second," Naruto would have asked her to elaborate but Verosika's mood shifted and he didn't push when he tasted sadness and heartbreak. The fox wrapped his tail around her hand and Naruto allowed her to give it a squeeze.
"Okay, look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your stupid personal lives."
"You do that all the time, sir!"
"You're joking, right?"
"Come on, you kinda do that."
"You totally do that."
"What was sex with her like?" Millie's sultry and unexpected question had the two male hellhounds and the sole succubus stare at the female imp in surprise.
"MILLIE!"
"Whaaaat?! It's a pop star! You'd wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like."
"Michael Crawford?!" now that was an image Naruto, Tex, and Verosika didn't need.
Moxxie looked ready to scold his smirking wife but at the very last second, "…Touché."
"For the record," Naruto began, and got their attention, "Knowing from personal experience, fan-freaking-tastic."
"You're just saying that because she popped your cherry," Tex snorted.
"You lost your virginity to her?!" Loona couldn't believe it, "How?"
"Well, when two people find each other attractive, and one asks as a joke but the other catches them off guard by saying 'what the Hell, might be fun' and we go back to her place-"
"You're fucking with me right now," Loona cut him off.
"Are either of us naked and you howling my name for all the rings to hear?" Naruto grinned; Loona blushed.
Blitzø was ready to shoot him again. No one touches his innocent and precious Loonie!
"To answer your question without innuendo, he's not. That's exactly how it went down," Tex confirmed.
"Best seven hours of my life!" Verosika revealed. She was aroused just thinking about it.
"SEVEN HOURS!"
"Non-stop," the further reveal from the succubus had the jaws of Loona, Millie, and Moxxie cracking the floor of their office.
"Oh, come on people! Quit fucking up our office. The landlord already hates my guts after the eel incident," Blitzø chastised. It was Moxxie's fault, but the landlord didn't give a rat's ass.
Loona ignored him by how pissed she was. Her first time only lasted seconds. Disappointing didn't come close to describing it. Hell, it inspired to be disappointing.
"We could have gone longer but someone just had to fall asleep!"
"Hey, I was tired, and my hips were sore!" Verosika defended. Succubi gained energy and power from other beings to augment their own, preferably through sexual intercourse, but even then there were limits, "My ass was never redder."
"Oh, please! Like those used holes of yours-"
"You really don't wanna finish that sentence," Naruto defended the pop star with a snarl.
The tall imp wisely, "And why am I not surprised you're fucking a Prince of Hell's kid anyway. Wouldn't be surprised if did it with his mommy either, gold digger."
...Never mind. Disregarding the wise part folks.
Tex, Naruto, and Verosika had ugly looks aimed at the former circus performer. Sure, Verosika and Bee had fun in the past, but that stopped when Verosika developed an interest in the Scion of Beelzebub instead. Much less awkward and even a succubus had standards when it came to sex despite well-known but very exaggerated claims. Most were true but exaggerated all the same.
"And that just earned you a Crimson Paw Special," Naruto's comment birthed evil looks on Tex and Verosika.
"Crimson Paw Special? Wait! Are you saying-"
"You're the Crimson Paw, too?" Loona was agape. Any hellhound worth their salt knew about the Crimson Paw.
"The one who stole from Lucifer himself, the other Sins, the Goetia and overlords?!" Moxxie listed while Millie had stars in her eyes.
"Last time I checked," Naruto grinned as his claws were enveloped in a dark sinister red aura that added validity to his claim.
"I take it back!" Blitzø squeaked. He had heard of the infamous underlord's reputation from Stolas whenever they made small talk - when they took breaks from fucking - and Stolas had been deadly serious when he warned the imp not to get on the demon's bad side.
"Too late~" Naruto's vicious grin had I.M.P. take a step back.
"Hold on," Verosika interjected, "As his ex, I need to say something."
"Oh, Verosika, bless your alcohol-fueled heart. I knew you still-Wait, no, this a let's fuck the ex even more scenario, isn't it?"
"He has a thing for horses. Make it so he can't stand the sight of them anymore," the succubus had a proud look on her face.
"Yeah, that checks out," Blitzø cursed his insight, "Should have seen that coming miles away."
"Did you also see this coming?" Verosika held out an object that sent Blitzø into a rage.
YOU CUM DUMP! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW YOU HAD BUTTERCUM!"
"Buttercum?" Naruto asked.
"He's really obsessed with horses. Like, delusional, unhealthily, needs therapy obsessed," Verosika informed the son of Bee.
"AM NOT!" There was nothing wrong with the majesty, which was horses. Blitzø believed he had a healthy level of liking for them.
"You're totally obsessed," Loona chimed.
"Therapy would do you some good, sir...maybe," Moxxie said his piece.
"It's just horses," having grown up around them, Millie didn't see what the big deal was.
"Does he still watch that stupid My Little Pony show?" Verosika asked them.
"Yes," all three answered as one.
"He watches that shit?" Naruto shuddered. His mother forced him to watch it as punishment, "Even Mammon wouldn't make knock offs of that crap."
"THAT'S IT!" the last comment went too far, "I challenge you to a fucking...challenge. Fuck I said that twice."
"Hold on, are you declaring a demon duel?" Naruto blinked.
"I think he is," Verosika laughed, "What's the game, Bl-"
"Hold up!" Naruto stopped the succubus, "As heir and prince of the Gluttony Ring, by the laws passed down by the King of Hell, Lucifer Morningstar, I, Naruto, son of Beelzebub the Sin of Gluttony, will officiate and oversee this duel, between Verosika Mayday and Blitzø…what's your last name?"
"Bucko."
"Blitzø Bucko. And the loser shall acquiesce to all terms of the agreement, yaddie, yaddie, yadda, etc, etc."
With a clap of his hands, a lava lamp flame covered both Verosika and Blitzø until it formed into a set of chains that intertwined into a lock between them and then vanished.
"Uuuuuhhh, what?"
"Don't look at me, I don't make these rules, I just gotta make certain they're followed to the letter," Naruto, like any other noble was duty-bound to oversee them if they were made aware of such a duel. Most demon duels didn't have an officiator so they were classified as pseudo-duels and therefore cheating and loopholes were more prominent where eight times out of ten ended with no clear winner. With a swirl of flames, Naruto conjured a piece of lava-lamp glowing parchment, "Specify your terms."
"Nope! Screw that! I call a conflict of fucking inter-HURK!"
Naruto held the imp by the throat with his tail, the imp's feet kicking the air, his arms bound by the same tail to prevent escape, "Never. question. my. integrity."
Blitzø merely smiled despite becoming oxygen-deprived.
"H-h-h."
"Hmm?"
"H-h-har-der."
"Eww!" Naruto dropped the imp.
"Ha!" Blitzø laughed and pointed a clawed hand at him.
His reward was Naruto grabbing he offered limb and began squeezing.
"Ahh! Not my masturbating hand!"
"Fuck!" Naruto just as quickly released the imp's hand as he did his neck, "The Hell's wrong with you?!"
"We could talk about that for a whole day and barely cover five percent of that statement," Verosika told him.
"If you're lucky," the other members of I.M.P. agreed with the succubus' statement.
"Screw you! I'm perfect in every Satan damned way!"
Naruto knew he was meant to be neutral, and had nothing against the other three, but after the imp's stunts, the Son of Gluttony hoped Verosika's group won.
(Sometime Later)
"Oh, shit! A demon duel? No, no! I get it. I had to deal with a few myself. How long's the-A week?! ... Oh, up to a week. Okay, see you then."
"Good news?" Vaggie asked.
"Naruto's officiating a demon duel. Might be gone for a week."
"You have no idea how turned I am from hearing that," Vaggie enjoyed the blush the Princess of Hell developed.
"Fuck! A week? God damn it!" Velvette couldn't believe her rotten luck. So much for that romp she was hoping for.
"A demon duel? Think we can watch?" Angel Dust asked.
"Do you even know what a demon duel is?" Husk asked from the bar.
"D'uh. It's when two demons entah a contest and the loser has ta fulfil the winner's terms or face punishment by the one overseeing it," Angel explained.
.
..
...
"Wat?"
"You know what a demon duel is but you don't know that a demon can go to Earth?" was Angel trying to piss her off, Vaggie wondered?...Yes. Vaggie concluded that he was indeed trying to piss her off, "You know what, I'm not gonna ask."
"Good. Saves me time and trouble," Angel looked at his nails, the comment made Vaggie's bow curl into small horns.
"Guess Valentino's boy toy isn't as dumb as he looks," but then the blind as fuck Porn Demon had a bad habit of underestimating those under his employ.
"Ah, the joys of being a noble of Hell," Alastor laughed, "Well, I suppose I can fill in for the boy. Might prove entertaining."
"Do you even have security experience?"
"I've been an overlord longer than you've been alive, my dear. Protecting one's territories is expected of the role."
Neither Vaggie nor Charlie nor the disguised Velvette could argue with that. Alastor's methods, however, were another story.
"Who are you, like, talking about?" Velvette asked.
"Naruto. He's our security, well, below me-"
"And he's da Queen Bee's kid."
"Queen Bee?" Velvette feigned ignorance.
"Prince Beelzebub, the Sin of Gluttony and Prince of the Third Circle of Hell," Alastor grinned.
"...Eep."
"Don't worry, he's very nice."
"Not when he's bored or pissed," Husk chimed in from the bar, "Remember the casino incident in Greed?"
"Ah, what fun," Alastor remembered fondly.
"Not really. I still owe them half a million," Naruto and Alastor, however, pretty much left them penniless. And that was with the casino cheating.
"Greed? I thought Auntie Bee wanted him away from Mammon?" Charlie asked.
"Interesting," Velvette believed this could be worthwhile.
"She did. Kid snuck away during one of her parties," Husk shuddered.
"And she didn't notice?" Angel Dust asked.
"Auntie Bee's parties can last anywhere between hours, days, or even weeks," Charlie informed the hotel's first resident.
"One, gotta get me an invite to one of those," Angel remarked, "Two, Queen Bee found out didn't she."
"We weren't caught by Mammon but yeah. Kid was banned from every ramen stand and bar in Gluttony for months. She's yet to lift the limit he's allowed to order. Forced me to drink booze till my guts burst. Literally," sinners were immortal but immortally had its downsides even if they could put themselves back together, "Niffty was tied to a chair and forced to stay in a filthy room with bugs without being able to clean it and only got filthier. Boss-man-Urk!"
"That's quite enough, Husker," an otherworldly chain and harsh tug from the unamused Radio stopped the sinner from saying more. Some memories were best left forgotten or locked up tight.
"He was forced to watch television, wasn't he," Vaggie knew she hit the nail on the head if Alastor's eye twitch and soured smile were anything to go by.
"She made him watch Britany Spears, Spice Girls, and Avril Lavigne music videos over and over!" Niffty declared.
"Ooof!" many winced. Talk about overkill.
"No head pats or shoulder rides for you," Alastor dismissed the chain from Husk's throat, the former overlord had a smirk the Radio Demon surely wished to erase.
"Noooo!" Niffty bawled.
"On da subject, how did youse three meet Foxy anyway?" Angel Dust asked.
"That-"
Knock!
Knock!
Knock!
"-Will have to wait."
"Oh, come on!" whoever knocked on the door was dead.
"Why hello my dear!"
Angel Dust grinned when he saw it was Pentious at the door.
"Oh, goody," the porn star brought out his extra arms and tommy guns, "Target practice."
"ANGEL!"
(Nearly Seven Days Later)
All was calm, or as calm as it could get in the Prince of Gluttony's home. The mansion had to be renovated more than once whenever a party got out of control: drunks, too much raunchy sex, the smells, beer stains, food stains, puke stains, sex stains, drugs stains, stains of unknown and not wanting to know nature. So. Many. Freaking. Stains. All of which were common occurrences, but Bee didn't really mind.
Unless they happened to her, that is. Then her ugly side came out.
Said Sin was on the dance floor amongst hellhounds as she moved and swayed to the deafening music that blared throughout the mansion. On both sides were two female hellhounds and Bee could taste their intent, their desires: her. Not that she minded really, she went both ways and she and Tex were in an open relationship. However, Tex was her main chew toy, as she affectionately called him.
He wasn't the biggest fan of her pet name...out in the open at least.
That said, ever since the incident twenty-two years ago that ended in her pregnancy with her one and only son, a fact that still baffled her if she was being honest but didn't regret, she loved the little shit with her entire being, Bee had since taken better precautions when it came to choosing her partners.
Fortunately, she couldn't get pregnant from women. However, Asmodeus mentioned he was working on some top-secret project related to that after learning about some weird Japanese fetish. Why, she didn't know, nor bothered to ask. The flaming rooster had some odd tastes. Although, doing it with a chick with a dick - and not those who were just guys with implanted tits, been there and done them already thank you ver much! - was a kinky thought if she was honest. Bee was always up for trying something new at least once.
Slightly aroused, Bee brought in the two female hellhounds close to her, and their arousal heightened, "So, you two-"
Bang!
"BEEE!"
"Ah, shit. Party's over," and so was her arousal and that of her two potential bedmates.
Damn pussy-block.
"EVERYONE OUT NOW!"
No one questioned, back-talked, or said a word. They simply left and they left quickly.
It wasn't like they had much room to contest it when the order came from the most powerful of demons, the most powerful Sin, the Fallen Angel, the Second Child of God, and the King of Hell himself.
Lucifer Morningstar.
"Really, Luci?" very old friend or not, she was annoyed by Lucifer ruining her fun and that of others. Major buzz kill.
"Have I not been kind? Caring, helpful, charitable-"
"Look, can we skip to the end? We both know I hate shit like this," Bee cut him off, "Want a beer?"
Lucifer's eye twitched but begrudgingly accepted - the beer and cut off - that he should have seen it coming. Ever since he knew her, Bee had always preferred people getting straight to the point rather than tip-toe around it. She had never been the patient sort when it came to certain things.
"All right then. Because of your kid's little stunt, I haven't been able to sleep in days."
"What prank did he pull this time? Rig your duckies with peanut and jelly again? Have 'em explode into sticky slime? Dance and singing those stupid show tunes, or world domination?" Bee laughed at the memory.
"That was him? I thought I did that," Lucifer had been sleep-deprived then and thought he made a mistake when he woke up bound and gagged by his own creations hellbent on world domination had been humiliating, to say the least. The less said what the peanut butter and jelly ones did. It took him days to get them under control. Lucifer made a mental note to get even with the little shit.
"Dude, it was a long time ago. Let it go."
"It was last month!" barely last month really.
"Potato patato," Bee shrugged.
"And no it's not about that. This is due to other flying shits."
"Goetia?"
Lucifer snorted, but he'd come back to that later, "You do know not all of them are bird-like, right?"
Bee merely shrugged and took a big swig of her alcohol. She couldn't give two shits about Ozzie's descendants and followers. Hellhounds and to a much lesser extent imps and succubi were her people.
"The other flying shits."
Bee understood now, and quickly swallowed her beer and the beer bottle. She liked the crunch, "For fuck sakes. What do those overstuffed holier than thou geese want now?" She should have guessed Heaven was involved. Banishing them to Hell wasn't enough for those uptight assholes.
"Hmm, let me think. Could it possibly be because your son humiliated their exterminators and Adam, killed said exterminators, and almost killed Adam! Gee, I wonder what they want?"
"Hardy harr, harr, Luci," Bee wasn't amused, neither was Luci based on the vibes she was tasting. If only he and Lily were still together. The dude was much more relaxed with the Queen of Hell by his side.
Plus she missed the tall bombshell, and so did Luci if the wedding ring around his finger was any indicator.
"Well, ask a stupid question! What do you think they want?! They want him, Bee!"
"Fuck. That." Bee snarled and her power shook the entirety of Gluttony. Bee was protective of hellhounds and those she liked, and while she wasn't the perfect mom in the world she loved her son and her protectiveness skyrocketed when it came to his wellbeing, "If they think they can lay a fucking finger on him-"
"That's why I'm here," Lucifer cut off the mother of his hellson, "I'm not gonna lie, seeing that little shit humiliate Adam and his little posse of psychos was the most entertaining thing to ever happen in Hell. Michael's reaction was awesome!" Lucifer smiled wickedly at the memory of his oldest brother, it was his new screensaver. Sadly the look of joy didn't last, "But Heaven learning that this Trihexia isn't a mindless monster has them shitting themselves."
"Yeah, so? Naruto's not one to start a war," a prank war, sure. A fight? Oh, yeah, he had her temper. But a war between Heaven and Hell? Not a chance, despite his great dislike of exterminators for what they took away from him, Naruto was the last person to start a war. More likely he'd be the one finishing it or try and prevent it.
Beelzebub had no idea where he got that mindset from.
"We know that. They don't. Hell, those uncompromising fossils probably don't care. But here's the thing, Bee, an Old One got loose," an occurrence Lucifer had since noted that occurred more frequently whenever Trihexia was up and about. The Old Ones were accidental creations when the universe was created during the Big Bang. Or as the four-eyed old fart liked to call it, 'The best sex of his life!'
God's wife had given him more than an earful when she learned of it. Thank you, mom!
"Which one? Octopus head? His kids? Aphoom-Zhah?" they had nothing to worry about if it was someone like Azathoth, as unlike how Lovecraft described them some of the Great Old Ones were actually quite nice, and most were neutral and hid among the populace of their surroundings. The rest were just very powerful cosmic douchebags and pricks or had a very warped sense of humour. But the presence of the more malevolent ones was known to infect and warp humans in a negative way, and whenever those humans died they came to Hell in droves, and the worst part was those humans had no idea why they were in Hell. It was as though they were coming out of a haze, or a drug trip. Speaking of which, she'd have to figure out how to undo those stupid locks Bel put on her safe for the party drugs.
Uptight bitch.
"BEE!"
"What?!"
"You really gotta stop spacing out. Anyway, the one that escaped was Zathog," Lucifer repeated with a laugh.
"Dude doesn't know when to quit, does he? This is what, his seventeenth time?" Bee laughed as well. Sure, Zathog was a powerful being but he didn't exactly have the best track record when it came to success compared to the other members of his weird family. He was pretty much a joke. Oh, letting him roam free wasn't a good idea and he was tricky to locate but not exactly a major threat to an archangel or a Sin.
"Sixteenth. The last time didn't count because the fatass got stuck mid-way through his escape. And you know my siblings are the only ones in Heaven strong enough to deal with those cosmic fugly shits," Lucifer reminded, "And that's where it really hits the fan, Bee. Azrael's involved."
"THAT BACKSTABBING FUCKHEAD!"
"Gets worse too Bee. He's been promoted him," and given the douchebag had been promoted to seraphim centuries ago there was only one rank higher: archangel.
Which meant he now outranked Sera and with his siblings gone that made him in charge of Heaven.
"WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK?!"
(Back on Earth)
Naruto sighed for who knows how many times. Guard duty was boring. But officiating a demon duel? Even more so. And Naruto couldn't even pull pranks to alleviate it because it might interfere with the competition. That said.
"I still can't believe they're duelling over a stupid parking space," a disguised Naruto commented.
"She hates his guts," a disguised Vortex commented, knowing from experience - not personal ones - that some exes could get very vindictive. But the older hellhound agreed the reason for the duel was just plain moronic.
A little over six days had passed since the terms were hashed out, and so far both demon groups were nearly tied. Nearly being the keyword. The imps of I.M.P. were quite skilled at taking out their target. Some were offed in ninja-esque fashion: stealthy, quick, and clean. Others were less than refined. But the succubi and incubi were held the advantage thanks to their allure.
Plus, sex was sex.
Naruto was surprised cops had yet to arrive given the amount of people that should have been reported missing and the debauchery of it all. But it was Spring Break. Either they didn't give a fuck about a beach orgy or not enough were killed for them to truly do anything. Too bad there was a clear one due to-
"Fo-xy~" a voice purred.
"Milky," Naruto looked at the short and thicc succubus disguised as a dark-skinned woman.
"My shift just ended. Wanna have fun?" she was straight to the point.
"Can't. Would love to, but can't," and Naruto was being honest.
The allure of succubi didn't affect hellborn demons as badly as sinners or humans, but being the current incarnation of Trihexia the rules were likely different given much about the Embodiment of Hell was unknown. What he did know was that he was incredibly horny right now! The Son of Beelzebub would love nothing more than to bend the succubus over, plow her into next year, her stomach bloated with his spunk, and leave her nearly brain dead. Unfortunately, if he slept with any of the succubi the energy he'd provide them would easily guarantee them a swift and decisive victory. And that was a conflict of interest.
Turning her down sucked, too. Sex was amazing! And out of all the succubi in Verosika's group, Milky was tied with Kiki as the second sweetest lay.
She was number one when it came to having the sweetest ass. Which only made his reluctant refusal even more difficult.
"Oh, poo," the small woman huffed.
"Sorry," he told her and watched as the succubus walked away. God damn that ass of hers was lethal.
"You're staring."
"And you're black. Now, if we're done stating the obvious-"
"Heyyyy… you…!"
"Hey, Wet," Naruto teased her. Disguised or not, it did nothing to eliminate or change her scent.
"Oh, hey. You're the hound workin' for my boss's freaky ex," Tex also recognized the scent.
Loona chuckled nervously, "Yeah. Sorry if that's weird."
Vortex and Naruto just shrugged, "It's cool. Her beef ain't mine. I'm not paid enough to care."
Naruto knew Vortex well enough to know it wasn't meant as an insult. The older hellhound cared for Verosika, the two were friends for years now, but he made it a point that her issues with her ex were none of his business.
"Yeah! Yeah. I'm Loona!" she nervously shouted.
"Yeah, we met five days ago, remember?"
"Oh, right. Fuck! Stupid," Naruto chuckled. The female hellhound was cute when she was nervous. It reminded him of Hinata. And he was digging the goth look.
"You don't get out much, do ya?" Loona's head fell from his comment.
"You're on fire man," Vortex applauded, "No, really continue."
Naruto had to agree with his mother's boyfriend. That was not one of his smoother comments.
"Sorry."
Fortunately, Loona waved him off, "It's fine. I don't get out much," she admitted.
"Your dad?"
"He isn't my dad!" Loona snarled and both male hellhounds blinked at her aggressive tone. Loona's eyes widened when she realized what she did, "Oh, shit! I-that's-I mean...I'll just-"
"How 'bout we start over," Naruto suggested, "Sound good?"
"Yes!"
"Okay. I'm Vortex!"
"I'm Naruto!"
Both hellhounds mimicked Loona's nervous greeting and it served to ease the tension.
"That's hot," perhaps a little too much, "I mean, like, literally, y'know, 'cause vortexes... y'know, they give off heat. Probably. Right?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess, but my friends call me Tex. And don't let him tell you otherwise. His name means fishcake, not maelstrom," Vortex informed her.
"You bastard!" Naruto wished he could deny it, but it was true. He had nothing against being named after a ramen topping - ramen ruled! - but he didn't want others to know that.
...Okay, maybe he was a little embarrassed.
"Oh, yeah? I wish I had friends. I mean... No, I mean, I don't... I… I don't have friends," Loona admitted once more to herself and her fellow hellhounds.
Naruto could relate. It wasn't the case now, but in his former life, he didn't have much in terms of friends growing up either. Even now the amount of friends, true friends, he had was fairly low by comparison. The blond felt bad for the female hellhound, to be honest.
But before he could say anything, an overprotective father interjected himself into the conversation, "Am I interrupting something?"
God damn it Blitzø!
"Nah, man. Just having a conversation."
The imp wasn't having it, "'Conversation' leads to HPV!"
"You watched that Footloose movie, didn't you?" Naruto didn't ask, he knew.
"They made us watch that piece of shit in prison as punishment," Satan that had been a horrible film. Half the inmates had to be stopped from biting off their tongues, "And stay out of this pretty boy!"
The imp was an enigma. His fear and dislike of Naruto going back and forth whenever the imp was feeling ballsy or, more commonly, being just plain stupid.
"Blitzø get the fuck out of here!" Loona snarled at her adoptive parent.
"Uh-oh. Family drama," Naruto could tell this wasn't gonna be pretty.
"Did you forget we have a parking space on the line!"
"I still can't believe you're duelling for a parking space," Naruto commented.
Loona huffed, "I can. He's done worse for way less and way more stupid."
"Aw, thanks Loonie."
"That wasn't-Ugh! Why do you have to be so freaking weird?!"
"I adopted you, ergo I'm your father. It's a perk of the job to embarrass you."
"Well, it shouldn't! I was almost eighteen and my life would have been my own. I didn't need you then, and I don't need you now," off-topic, but Loona was pissed and couldn't help herself.
Naruto winced. Being a former orphan this kinda struck home with him. Sure, the imp wasn't what he would call the ideal parent, but the love and concern that he sensed from the demon for his adopted daughter was indisputable. Naruto was honestly sorry for them.
"Damn, girl. That was savage," Naruto heard Tex voice and realized Blitzø had left, "You okay?"
Loona blushed from the contact, "Yeah, I'm fine. He'll get over it. He always does."
"I'm glad you could stick up for yourself, at least. Mmm! Takes guts."
"Dude, I get you and mom are in an open relationship, but flirt elsewhere," Naruto cut in.
"You're dating Beelzebub?"
"Yep!" Tex looked proud but he wasn't cocky.
Loona had a small hurt puppy dog look on her human face. Naruto was the bigger prize, but him being who he was Loona knew a common stray like herself had no chance with royalty. Her father's relationship with a Goetia prince didn't count as that was transactional. Tex looked like a decent guy, but learning he was the boyfriend of the Queen Bee, open relationship or not, had her shut down those plans just as quickly.
Fuck her life sucked.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
Loona looked around and blinked, "How?"
"You just wandered off after Tex told you he was mom's boyfriend," Naruto explained.
Ah, fuck. Embarrassing.
"Look, not gonna bother askin' if you're okay."
"How would you know?" Loona nearly snapped, and mentally beat herself up for it.
"Mom can taste and sense how people nearby are feelin'. She passed the gift along to me. Believe it or not, I know what you're going through.
"Yeah, right. Mister Royal knows what a stray like me is going through," Loona scoffed.
"Ever wonder why no one's really heard of me until Extermination Day?"
Loona went to reply but her mind quickly stopped her when she could not recall a single event, post, or news about the Heir of Gluttony. Princess Morningstar was born over two hundred years ago, and the celebrations the King and Queen of Hell held for the occasion were still talked about to this day as one of the biggest events to ever grace Hell.
"Though so. Parents can be overprotective. It can be a real pain in the ass, trust me. But then, I'd rather have a mother who worries about me, and knows she loves me, than not have any of that. You don't get a lot of decent parents in Hell," while Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato would always be his parents, Beelzebub birthed and raised him and protected him like the mother he always wanted.
However, Naruto had to admit that the Prince of the Third Ring tended to act more like a cool aunt and older sister than a mother at times. He was fairly sure a normal mother wouldn't have given him his first sip of alcohol at the tender age of nine. But then again, it was Hell, so that was pretty tame.
"And for all that guy's faults, and I don't have to taste or smell to know he has a lot of 'em, he loves ya without a doubt."
Loona didn't want to admit it, but was forced to acknowledge she could have done way worse than the overprotective imp,"...He's okay, I guess. Annoying as fuck, but okay."
Anything else that was to be said didn't come to light when a giant catfish-like kaiju crashed the party.
"The fuck?"
"Oh, finally! Some action!" Naruto grinned and cracked his knuckles, his neck, and his back as he stretched, "I was going nuts!"
Unfortunately for him, Millie beat Naruto to it and she did so in spectacular fashion.
Not enough to impress Satan-oji, but it was a nice kill nonetheless. Imps from Wrath were a cut above other imps given most imps wouldn't have been able to perform such a feat.
"Ohhhh, yeah, way to show off, Mils!" Blitz told his second-best employee.
"Is Mox okay?"
"Oh, yeah. He's fine. Catch!"
"Thiiiis is funny. I'm sooooo… drinky," it was clear to Naruto that the imp was drunk off his rocker but it didn't stop his wife from laughing at how silly he was.
"Ooookay, this is too wholesome for my liking," the tall imp complainted.
"Blitz-"
"Okay, before we go too far. One, that only counts as one," Naruto told them, which made Millie give him the stink eye, "Two: That. Was. Beautiful! Uncle Satan would be proud," Naruto lied but felt it was necessary given the bad news he was gonna drop.
"By the way, I think this is yours," Millie tossed the succubi a flask that reeked of his mother's best-selling drink.
"Really, V?" Verosika merely shrugged and then both groups got into an argument over who won.
"So, who won?" Naruto realized the question was being directed at him, but the distraction of the two groups bickering enabled the police to surround them.
"Freeze! You sick degenerates."
"Oh, shit," Blitzo cursed.
"Alright, sluts. Get ready to suck a lot of pig dick," Verosika raised her hands and both groups groaned.
"FUCK THAT!" except for one. Naruto was not sucking dick! Not now! Not ever! "Also, why is a clown pointing a gun at us?"
All the police officers looked at the individual in question and sure enough, there was indeed a clown pointing a gun at the disguised and non-disguised demons.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Oh, that's Jerry. He was doing undercover duty," one cop said.
"'Sup," greeted the clown.
The distraction gave Naruto the chance to throw down some smoke pellets.
"Open fire!"
Click!
Click!
Click!
Click!
"What the? My gun's not working!"
"Mine either?!"
"The fuck?"
"God damn budget cuts!"
By the time the smoke cleared the group had long since returned to Hell.
(Hell Sometime Later)
"Oh, my head," Moxxie complained. The throbbing in his skull was unbearable.
"Lightweight," Verosika laughed, "What self-respecting demon gets drunk off human booze anyway?"
"Listen hear, you bitch!" Millie defended her husband.
"Ladies, no cat-fighting until I set up the camera," Naruto ordered.
"Camera?" Loona gave him a look.
"Do you know how much people would pay to see Verosika Fucking Mayday duking it out with an imp?"
"Better get a twenty-five percent cut!" the succubus told him.
"Done!"
"Excuse me?" Millie was confused.
"Don't worry! You'll get ten percent as a newcomer. Fifteen if you two make out," the fox-like hellhound threw in.
"That's thirty percent, then," Verosika upped her price.
"Excuse me! But am I invisible?" Blitzø interjected.
"Possibly from Pluto."
Blitzø growled. The imp knew a fat joke when he heard one.
Loona made a mental note to use that one at a later time whenever Fatty pissed her off or annoyed her. Or if she was bored.
"Not nice to have your weight made fun of, is it?"
"Why you-"
"Anyway, down to business. Verosika won."
"WHAT?!"
"FUCK YES!" fuck you Blitz-o!
"How?"
"Well, first and foremost, read this," Naruto handed I.M.P. a book titled Demon Duels for Morons, "Read chapter two."
Despite his head hurting like crazy, Moxxie grabbed the book and quickly flipped the pages until he found the chapter titled Chapter Two: Dos and Don'ts. The imp was a quick reader and mumbled to himself as he went over the contents until his eyes bulged and he cursed out loud, his headache momentarily gone.
"What is it, Mox?" Millie asked.
"We lost the moment we set foot on Earth without disguises."
"What?"
"Here," Moxxie passed the book to his wife and had her read a specific sentence.
"Any duel between demons that takes place on Earth must require the use of demon disguises...So?"
Moxxie flipped through a few more pages before he pointed at a second called precedents, "As was the case of Mefisto vs Amon, while Mefisto was the clear victor in terms of the outcome of the duel, Mefisto's lack of a human disguise while on Earth was in direct violation of Demon Duel Law and therefore victory of the duel was ruled in favour of Amon. Wait, does that mean-"
"It means even if you guys killed more than Verosika's group seduced since only Loona had a human disguise, only her kills would technically count. And no, leading them somewhere so they can be offed by someone else doesn't count."
"...Oh, fuck," Loona quickly caught on.
"Yeah. Even if you did since those three didn't have a human disguise and this was a group duel-"
"We automatically lost the duel by default since the rest of our group didn't have a disguise while theirs did," Moxxie finished with a groan.
"Bingo."
"In other words, the parking space's mine, bitch," Verosika gloated at Blitzø.
"REDO!"
"Pass," Verosika denied the imp.
"Wait a minute, what 'bout her making that catfish kaiju?" Millie believed that should be considered.
"Fuck!" Verosika cursed and frowned; Blitzø laughed and smirked.
Neither one lasted very long, "Not the first time that's happened really. That's another precedent. Unless Verosika was seen conjuring it up with a ritual, accidental monster creations don't count as rule-breaking. At most, it's a slap on the wrist or a deduction of points, which in this case means squat. Hell, if it hadn't been for an incident back in the 1930s we wouldn't have the Godzilla and other Kaiju movies," Naruto informed them.
"You are so fucking my ass raw after they leave," Verosika lustfully told the son of Beelzebub.
"Lucky slut," Loona thought.
"We can hear you," Moxxie deadpanned.
"What's your point?"
"I, Naruto, son of the Prince of Gluttony, Beelzebub, declare the winners of this demon duel to be Verosika Mayday," Naruto quickly announced and everyone watched as the magic took hold.
"Oh, come on!" Blitzø was pissed again, "This is blatant favouritism!"
"Unfortunately, he's right, sir," Moxxie pointed at the paragraph and Blitzø cursed and began ripping the book apart.
Only for said book to put itself back together and start smacking the tall imp like a pimp would their ho.
"Ow! St-AH!"
"Yeah, you're also not the first to do that either."
"Try and rip me now, asshole!" the book shouted before it began smacking the imp's face and body once more, "Take this!"
"FUCK! PAPER CUTS!" Blitzø howled in pain. Demon, human, or angel, paper cuts were a bitch!
Naruto ignored the scene and looked at the succubus, "Got lube?"
"Your favourite. Ramen flavoured."
"I'm gonna wreck you so hard you'll need a wheelchair for your next tour," Naruto promised.
Verosika shivered so much she nearly climaxed then and there. She wanted to take him right here and now, but a celebration was in order. And to stick to her ex, "Hey, you three wanna party with us?" Verosika asked. She had nothing against them personally compared to their dick of a boss.
"Uh, V-"
"I mean an actual party since I won," though judging from the sexual energy coming from the female hellhound Verosika knew the girl was more than eager to have 'fun'.
"...Fuck it," Loona shrugged, she could use a pick-me-up anyway.
"Hell, yeah!" Millie was always down to have fun.
Moxxie just sighed but went along with his wife despite wanting nothing more than to lie down.
Fortunately for them, Blitzø was too distracted by the book, which continued to pummel him, to notice them leave.
"...Did they forget about us?" Chet asked the rest of the group.
The door suddenly opened, "Hey, sluts! Move your asses!"
The remaining succubi, incubi and hellhound quickly left the room and left the imp to his fate.
This went on for quite some time until a portal suddenly opened in the room, "Oh, Blitzie~I was wondering if you...What's happening?" Stolas asked with an amused look.
"Fucking help!"
"Die! Die! Die!"
(The Next Day)
"Ughh, V, wake up."
"Mhmm."
"Come on, V, up and at 'em."
"Mhmm."
Okay, Naruto decided it was time for the heavy stuff, "V, wake up, my wife will be home any minute."
"Fuck! Where are my shoes?!"
"Works every time," Naruto told Loona..."Loona?! What are you doing here?" more importantly, why was she in her birthday suit?
"Can ya'll keep it down?" a voice asked him, one coming from under the covers before the hellhound could respond. A quick pull of the covers revealed an imp.
A naked imp.
"Millie?! What are you doing here?" Naruto demanded, "Nice ass by the way."
"Thanks!"
"Uhhhh, my head," another voice and another swift tug revealed another imp.
"...Oh, please no," Naruto, upon seeing Moxxie, who was just as naked as his wife, really hoped this was just a bad dream. A quick tug on his ear and the pain associated with it said otherwise.
"Ow!"
"That was a dick move!" Verosika wasn't amused. Dealing with a pissed wife or husband after sleeping with their cheating partner was not a good experience or way to start the day. Verosika tried her best to avoid being in those situations.
Batting away the hand, Naruto rubbed his ear, "Got you up, didn't it? By the by, V, what did we do last night?"
"You don't remember?"
"Blackout again."
"Damn! Let's see if I...Yep! I recorded it."
"You recor-Oww! Too loud," Moxxie winced.
"Fatty, if you don't tone it down, I will rip your..." Loona blinked and then realized what she just said. The hellhound looked down and sure enough there, naked as the day they were born were Moxxie and Millie, "Oh, fuck me."
"I think they already did," Naruto pointed out, then began fishing for something from his tail.
"Oh, crumbs!" Moxxie shivered, Blitzø was going to kill him. And likely rape his corpse, too. Or just rape him, then kill him. Blitzø wasn't exactly consistent with his threats, Moxxie noted.
"Crumbs? What are you five?" Verosika snarked but winced from a sharp pain in her head, "Oh, fuck my head."
"Here, hangover cures from Belphagor-baachan herself. Works instantly-"
"Gimme!" the group cut him off and all sighed with sweet relief as the throbbing disappeared like magic the instant they popped their pill.
"Oh, Satan, that's better."
"Can't go wrong with Belphegor's drugs. Pricey, but worth it," Verosika was still pissed that the Sin was too lazy to make large batches for mass distribution, "Now let's-Here we go!... Wow, you're bigger than Blitzø!" and by a good margin, the succubus remarked.
"Really didn't need to hear that," Loona looked for some leftover booze to wipe away that unwanted memory but found nothing but empty bottles and shattered hopes.
Fuck!
"Lame. So far all I see is him sleeping with his wife."
"Oh, praise Satan," Moxxie was relieved.
Whistle!
"Millie, was it? You're a real slut after my own-Holy shit! You took that bitch breaker like a champ! Are you part succubus?"
"That's highly inapp-"
"I think pa said somethin' 'bout ma grandpa being half-incubus thanks to a key party his parents went to, but that was never proven," Millie cut off her husband.
"Holy fuck that is big," getting an accidental glimpse, Loona couldn't deny it, "Guess you're not much of a wuss after all."
"Thanks?" Moxxie couldn't tell if she was insulting or congratulating him, or both, but covered himself all the same.
"Ma Moxxie's all man," Millie purred in her husband's ear, "Took me a while to get used to it but it was nothing."
"Oh, wait, hold on something's happening."
"Oh, please no," Naruto prayed it wasn't what he was thinking.
"Okay, it's clear you only did your wife."
Moxxie once again praised Satan and was more than relieved.
Until Verosika followed up with, "Can't say the same for her though," Verosika showed them the recording.
"OH, SATAN! HARDER FOXY!"
"WHO'S MY DIRTY LITTLE IMP?!"
"I'M YOUR DIRTY LITTLE-OOOHHH, RIGHT THERE! JUST A LIT-YEEEEESS!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY WIFE?!"
"It's called sex, dumbass," Loona told him.
"GLORK!"
"That more specifically, however, is called spit-roasting," Verosika added; Loona had to agree, Millie took that thing like a pro.
Correction: she took two things like a pro.
"I KNOW WHAT IT IS!" and it was not what Moxxie was referring to, "WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!"
"WHY DID YOU BREAK THE RULES OF A DEVIL'S THREE-WAY?!" Naruto gestured to the screen. Eye contact between two dudes wasn't allowed, which Moxxie was clearly doing in the recording. This was why he didn't partake in them. There was always a rule breaker and then it was just weird for the rest of the event.
"Moxxie!" Millie chastised, "A devil's three-way is a sacred act! No pegging for a month!"
"HOW AM I THE BAD GUY HERE?!"
"She pegs you?"
"I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW!"
"You clearly are," Verosika, Naruto, Millie, and Loona spoke.
"Where's my gun?" Moxxie grumbled.
"Oh, come on, dude! At least cover your...is that a tattoo that says, 'Property of Millie.'?" Naruto saw when Moxxie bent over in search of his weapon and gave him an unwanted view.
"It was a birthday gift," Millie recalled the day in question. Aside from his proposal and then marriage to her, it had been the best gift of her life.
"Not talking to you!"
"Aw, come on, hun. It's not that big a deal."
Moxxie stopped his search, "Excuse me...WHAT?!"
"We were drunk, and we both participated, at the same time, as we agreed."
"Yeah, but-"
"Here's your gun."
"Thank you, BLITZØ!"
"Blitzø?"
"THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Naruto shouted.
"IS THAT A CAMERA?" Verosika snarled.
"NOT FUCKING COOL, DAD!"
"LOONA?!" the imp realized in horror until, "Wait, did you just-"
"Gimme that gun, Fatty!" Loona ordered.
"Not before I neuter him," Verosika had a knife in her hand.
"Hold on! I have something important to ask," Millie declared and then looked at the son of a Sin, "When can we meet, Satan?"
"Why would...oh, crap...Look, I never agreed to any such deal," Naruto began and stopped any argument from the imp by raising his hand, "That said, given all that's happened fair's fair, I suppose."
"Are you saying-"
"Yes, you can see him."
"Apology accepted! Right, Mox?"
"I suppose?" Moxxie was still upset, but the prospect of meeting the Lord of Wrath, and Lord of Imps was virtually every imps' dream, "Just don't let it happen again."
"Oh, hun...We both know we can't make that promise when we're drunk."
Moxxie had to concede to that.
"Let me know when and where and either me or mom will take you to him."
"OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Millie hugged the hellhound, "Ooh, big fella ain't ya?"
"MILLIE!"
"What?"
"Four inches soft, and over eight inches hard," Verosika informed the imps, "A little over nine if you press-"
"Please stop talking about how amazing my dick is."
"Uh, off-topic, who's that?"
The group looked to the entrance to the washroom to spot a naked woman with a toned body. Her appearance was human except for the black wings sprouting from her back.
"Finally realized you fucking idiots?"
Recognizing the voice, Naruto exclaimed, "How the fuck did you get out? And why are your wings black now?
To his surprise, she blushed and looked shy, "..."
Even with their enhanced hearing, neither Naruto nor Loona understood what was said, "What?"
"We fucked."
"...Cool?"
(Meanwhile in Heaven)
"And, lo, cometh a beast, greater and terrible than any other born or to be, and his wrath shall scorch the Heavens and the Earth and Beyond until all perish. And the whole was amazed and followed after the beast, and upon the beast's back he carried a Scarlet Woman who enthralled the lesser. The beast's majesty pushed aside the Highest's most blessed, and he was akin to a mountain that wades in the sea and has its head above the clouds. Fear him, for he is Fear himself, and Wrath, and Gluttony, and Pride, and he shall forever be known as Trihexa, the Great Beast of the Apocalypse."
"...Da fuck does that mean?" Adam asked in his less than dignified manner.
"It's an old prophecy, one long since dismissed as pure nonsense. Who wrote it has long been forgotten. I only just came across it by pure happenstance when I tried learning anything I could about Trihexia."
"Your Highness, Trihexia is no more than a beast, yet this prophecy and what we witnessed makes it seem otherwise," Lute spoke.
"You are correct. Trihexia has never once been a concern for Heaven due to its unpredictable and wild nature to attack all those closest to where it was confined," in other words, Hell.
"Can't believe I fell for that shit. No hellhounds have ever been that tough, and now more than half my bi-girls are gone, or missing," Adam bit out. The humiliation and anger from that day weren't things that were going to go away any time soon.
"Indeed. And now it would appear Hell has found a way to control it, or whichever demon possesses its power found some way to control it," the passage regarding the Scarlet Woman also made her uneasy. Was this in reference to a mate? Or was this Trihexia's master, or someone capable of channeling or directing Trihexia in the way she wanted?
Too many questions and none had answers.
"Hold on now! You're not actually thinking this dipshit's able to do what he can because, I mean, this is just a load of crock some old fart from who gives a fuck-"
"BOO!"
"AHHH!"
"Ahoo-hoo-hoo!"
"Asshole!" Adam cursed the tall, dark-purply, phantom blob-like being with eight wings before it reformed into a very tall - taller than Sera, to be honest - gentleman-like angel wearing a pink vest and wide-rimmed glasses, a top hat, dark tan skin and possessed yellow eyes that possessed hide a manic look.
"Azrael," Sera nodded towards her fellow - correction - former seraphim, "Any word?"
"Why, my dear Sera, that's not very nice! Where are your manners?"
Sera sighed mentally, "Any word, Lord Azrael."
"Nope!" Azrael laughed and Sera openly frowned.
Why he had been promoted and not her dumbfounded the High Seraphim, but she calmed herself. It wasn't her place to question the wisdom of those above her. Fortunately, only having eight wings instead of twelve like the original archangels - Lucifer himself lost six of his wings when he fell, though his lost power had long since recovered in the 10,000 years he was the King of Hell - meant he was not near as powerful as the original ones. He was considered a fledgling archangel. Powerful, more powerful than Sera and Adam, but nowhere near a threat as many believed despite his promotion.
"Oh, don't be a spoilsport and twist my wing. Dear ol' Luci's open to a meeting. It'll take place tomorrow. Let's leave it at that, hoo-hoo-hoo," Azrael thought it best to leave out the colorful words the King of Hell used towards his former friend. Azrael believed he had heard it all in his extremely long lifespan. Thank you public television and Fox Network. Lucifer, however, still managed to surprise him.
What fun!
"A meeting?! Are you fucking kidding?!" Adam bellowed. He and his bitches were wronged and maimed and Heaven wanted to hold a meeting?! Adam hated fucking politics. He hated politicians! It was why he took great pleasure in killing them during Extermination Day. Yes, politicians mostly ended up in Hell.
Those that somehow fell through the cracks Adam dealt with discreetly in one way or another.
Azrael smiled, his head upside down yet his face remained as though it were not. It always served to creep the fuck out of the First Man, "Am I smiling?"
The First Man's eye twitched, reflected on his mask, "Bro, are you trying to be funny?" Adam couldn't believe it.
"Maybe~" Azrael continued to smile.
"You're so lucky you're a good drinking buddy," Adam groused.
"Hoo-hoo-hoo! And you're lucky I don't show everyone your browser history."
"Dude!" not cool! That was a clear violation of Section 37.8 of the Bro Code: Never, under any circumstances, reveal a bro's browser history.
"Is this meeting really necessary, Your Highnesses?" Lute interjected to get everything back on track.
"Do you have a better idea? Because I would love to hear it. Trihexia is powerful. More powerful than Azrael and I combined. You and Adam. When it manifests its full might it's more powerful than Lucifer and the Sins combined, the Outer Gods and even the archangels. It took Lucifer, the Sins, and his wife to work together and carefully plan to defeat the first incarnation. This being is an unknown that just suddenly appeared and performed more impossible feats than any demon ever accomplished as Trihexia. Or any angel for that matter. I'd said it's time to stop dismissing what was once impossible or improbable and accept them instead," Sera informed them.
"Okay, fine. Say you're right? Where does that leave us? How bad are we talking about?"
"No idea!" Azrael laughed, crazy bastard, before he became serious, "We know little about Trihexia other than it comes back every few millenniums. All that's been known was dismissed as mad ramblings or pure hearsay eons ago. But based on what little information I managed to dig up, I believe bad…How exciting!" Azrael finished in a nonsensical manner.
The death-obsessed angel was very mercurial in his moods, though he could be serious his eccentric side was his more prominent personality.
"And if we allow him, and this Scarlet Woman to roam free, who knows how the citizens of Heaven will react should they learn of this," Sera added.
Trihexia was called the Great Beast of the Apocalypse after all.
Sera needed to make certain this demon had no intention of insisting on a rebellion like Lilith once did.
"This Scarlet Woman, Your Highnesses, are there any other mentions we can find about her?"
"Azrael is looking into it as we speak. Anything?"
"Oh, so far nothing. Nothing more than scribbles more useless than garbage. Some passages mention her in the bible but, hoo-hoo-hoo, you know as well as I that thing's not exactly the most accurate. Much of the old texts were lost long ago, too, after a disguised Old One crashed Christ's birthday. Talk about a riot!" Azrael laughed whimsically at the memory. He was a great lover of parties.
"Oh, yeah. There's an event I'd like to forget," Adam frowned at the memory.
"Ohoo-hoo-hoo! That's right! You were puked on," Azrael laughed even harder at the memory; Adam did not. Old One puke didn't disappear easily even with angelic power. Nor was it a small amount either. It took Adam weeks to get the smell off him. It was essential the supernatural equivalent of being sprayed by a skunk.
"You two will assist him."
"Seriously? Whatever. Not like we can do anything in the meantime," Adam winced and looked at his damaged golden wings. Even in Heaven that was going to take quite some time to heal. Triply so when the injuries were tainted by the dark and unique energy of the Beast of the Apocalypse.
Lute, however, was missing a large chunk of her wing and part of her left leg. Most of his other bitches weren't as lucky. All in all, when Adam was done healing, he'd get that little shit back tenfold, Trihexia or not. Sera wasn't for it, but she was ultimately convinced by his good buddy Azrael. Adam made a mental note to buy his bud a drink later.
That said, Adam didn't want another ass-kicking. He'd do his homework, find some weakness, recruit and train his bitches better, harder, faster, deep- whoops! got sidetracked there!
"I do know one thing," Sera spoke seriously, "We're going want to rethink our strategy. This Trihexia is Bee's son."
"Truly? How delightful! It's been an age, or ten since I've seen her! And she's a mother now? Ahoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! That poor boy."
"Oh, fuck me."
Adam wasn't as sophisticated as his superior's superior.
"Sir?" Lute failed to understand.
"Bee is short for Beelzebub, the fucking Prince of Gluttony," Adam explained to his lieutenant.
"Should I worry about conflict of interest?" Sera asked.
"Oh, Sera, how you wound me so! Bee and the rest chose their side long ago," Azrael frowned briefly, before he smiled once again, "The moment they rebelled and sided with Lucifer, the moment they fell and became demons...They mean nothing to me now…But I cannot wait to see how they'll react! Leave it to me. I'll make certain this party is one to remember."
…Party?
"Lord Azrael knows the Sin of Gluttony?" Lute asked.
"Know her? She's his ex!" Adam dropped the bomb.
Omake: Never Drinking Again
"Come on, Fatty, fucking move! Fuck, it's like doing it with a pillow."
Moxxie and Loona paled considerably, "Oh, please let this be a horrible dream."
Slap!
"Ahhhh! Fucking-A! Spank me again!"
Slap!
"Hard-AHHHH! So deep~"
"TURN IT OFF!" Moxxie and Loona cried.
"For the record, you're not the one getting their ass slapped, Loona."
"Oh, fuck me!" the hellhound honestly didn't know if that was better or worse. Sure, Moxxie was the bottom bitch, but at the same time, it was still Moxxie.
"I am never drinking again."
"Ooh, nice form, Mox."
"MILLIE!" shouted the imp's husband and her employer's daughter.
"Whaaat?"
Sorry for how late this was. I had some plot building and revision, and I had 30K+ words for this chapter alone, but I felt that was too much so much will be used in other chapters, which will allow me to speed along better. Doesn't help that I had other real-life obligations too such as a new managerial job and I had to move to a new place.
Ps. Yes, I know it has been stated that Moxxie is a baby wiener haver, and this was confirmed by the creator of Hazbin and Helluva. I just thought it would be funny to have Mox as grower, not a shower to fit my story.
Anyway, the next chapter will be the meeting of Heaven and Hell. Review tons to keep this alive! II'd love to get 60-70 reviews. If I do within a week I will update by the 20th of September, if not it will be later. I want to hear peoples' thoughts and reviews help motivate me to write.