Self-sabotage is an intriguing and paradoxical phenomenon. It's the ability to find a shadow on a sunny day, to create a storm in a teacup. When circumstances seem perfect and the path is free of obstacles, that's when our mind, almost like magic, conjures up a barrier.
It's as if there's an internal saboteur, a master illusionist who, at the height of our success, pulls the rug out from under our feet. This saboteur knows all our weaknesses and hesitations and uses this knowledge against us, making us doubt our abilities and choices. It's a vicious cycle that keeps us trapped in a constant dance with our fears and doubts.
Self-sabotage is as surprising as it is destructive. It's the dark art of drawing one's own failure with the hands of success. When everything seems aligned for triumph, when the stars seem to conspire in our favor, it is at this very moment that we find a way to trip ourselves up. Like a hidden mechanism in our psyche, we activate the traps that pull us down, making us stumble over our own feet.
The most intriguing part is that often this process happens subconsciously. We are not consciously seeking to fail or hurt ourselves but rather acting according to deeply ingrained patterns in our minds. And Pepper understood this very well.
When Tony had said, days ago, that the kiss between them hadn't meant anything, she knew he was only saying it for her sake. It was just a way to make her feel comfortable around him again, an attempt to take the weight off the shoulders he thought she was carrying. It was a noble gesture, after all. Going against his own feelings to try and do good for someone else.
But then, she found herself thinking that, in fact, the moment shared between them had meant nothing. As if she had felt everything alone, as if Tony would never be available. As if it was a one-way street. And she hated herself for it. Hated herself because, whenever they seemed to move forward, her mind made her take not just one but two steps back. It was as if she were trapped in an endless cycle, unable to escape her own self-destructive patterns. It wasn't his fault, and Pepper doubted if it was even her fault because she didn't want to be this way. These weren't conscious behaviors. At least she was trying; shouldn't that be enough?
The proof of this was that she had backtracked, managed to break some barriers, and only those who knew her well understood how difficult it was for the redhead to recalibrate and follow a different path. But it was clear that the children missed Tony greatly, and judging by the times he asked about the twins, she could deduce that it was reciprocal. So, the woman just accepted that the connection between them was special so she could mess things up because she didn't know how to handle her own feelings, allowing them to see each other again. Even if it meant that Eleanor and Theodore wouldn't stop talking about Anthony for a second and, consequently, made their mother come up with various theories about the neurosurgeon. How could they like him if they didn't even know him? Has the problem always been her? Because until recently, she hated him.
All right, maybe hate was too strong a word, especially considering the direct relationship between it and love — they are disturbingly similar things and can cause great confusion. Love and hate are visceral. Just thinking about that person makes your stomach churn. In your chest, your heart beats hard and fast, almost visible under the fabric of your clothes. Your appetite and sleep are seriously compromised. Any interaction makes your blood boil with a dangerous kind of adrenaline, and you find yourself almost in a reaction that teeters between fight and flight. Your body seems about to lose control. You are consumed, and that scares you.
Love and hate are mirrored versions of the same game, and you have to win. So maybe Pepper had just used one feeling to camouflage the other. On one hand, there was the intense attraction she felt for Tony, the shared moments, the deep feelings she couldn't deny. On the other hand, there was the frustration, the anger, and the confusion caused by her own hesitation and the barriers she had erected herself.
The woman tried to rationalize her feelings, understand why her heart insisted on pulling her towards her colleague even when her mind told her to stay away. She knew she couldn't simply ignore these feelings, but she also couldn't help but wonder if she was just deluding herself. Maybe she was trying to find a reason to justify the fact that, deep down, she wanted to be with him but was also afraid of the consequences.
And so, the doctor found herself trapped in this vicious cycle of love and hate, struggling to find a way out while living in self-sabotage. But perhaps, amidst all this confusion, there was a simple truth: love and hate were just two sides of the same coin. And until the redhead found a way to reconcile these conflicting feelings, she would continue to be lost in this intricate game, trying to find her way out of the emotional labyrinth she was in.
But Virginia didn't have time to do that now because it was almost Christmas, about two months since Mia had been admitted to the hospital, and they still knew very little about her. Of course, as for the clinical issues, they had those under control — she was recovering well from the surgery, with no signs of infections or adverse reactions, the MRIs remained clear, and her blood tests showed no abnormalities. The issue was her personal life. The doctors had managed to get close to the girl and Alex, gaining some trust from the teenagers so that some information was shared without them realizing it, but when they noticed any insistence from the adults, they would completely shut down.
The detective appointed by Harvey had made progress, reaching a town in interior Philadelphia that led him to Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Atlanta. The investigator himself had become confused with the direction the investigation was taking — dates, reports, and timelines didn't add up. It was as if there was a large gap that could only be filled by Mia herself, and she refused to cooperate. So, for about a week, Tony and Pepper had no news from him, leaving the investigation aside and focusing on discussing the clinical mysteries that also surrounded the girl's case. The patient was fine, it was true, but the doctors still didn't fully understand the complexity of her case.
They had even tried to get answers through Alex, but he was too loyal to his friend to share even the most trivial clinical information. And speaking of the boy, it was clear to the adults, more than clear, that there was something more between the teenagers. They got along very well, had a unique connection, and really seemed to love each other. When they were together, their eyes sparkled, they laughed, and they conversed so naturally and engagingly. It was like witnessing the kind of love that only happens once in a lifetime — it was beautiful, magical, and special.
All this had an almost inexplicable power capable of shaping the behavior of the surgeons themselves. Tony and Pepper felt compelled to set aside their own emotional barriers. For a moment, they allowed themselves to be lighter, more vulnerable, more willing to feel. The presence of Alex and Mia was a constant reminder that true love exists, even amidst uncertainty and the unknown.
They couldn't help but feel touched by the purity and intensity of this youthful feeling. It was as if they were witnessing a part of themselves they had forgotten, a lost innocence that resurfaced before their eyes. Maybe that's why they were experiencing something they had never felt before. The coexistence couldn't be better, and we're talking about two doctors whose hospital corridors are known for their intrigues and who were competing for the same position.
"You know what I was thinking, it could be malignant hypertensive encephalopathy," the redhead said after a few moments of silence, flipping through one of her books. On yet another night, she and Tony were discussing a definitive diagnosis for Mia.
"That would explain the deterioration of brain function; it makes sense when we consider the coma and what could have caused her to lose consciousness and have the accident, but not everything else. Mia underwent two heart surgeries and had a clot in her lung. It doesn't add up."
"Not if we consider fibromuscular dysplasia. Though we would have already seen the obstruction of the blood vessels," she pondered.
"Behçet's disease? The inflammation might not be so obvious," the man mentioned.
"But it's a general inflammation. It doesn't restrict itself to just the brain and heart."
"But it has a higher incidence in those areas."
"But it doesn't fit with everything else. Besides, she definitely didn't come from a country along the 'Silk Road.'"
"So that also rules out Takayasu's syndrome?" the dark-haired man asked after a long sigh. They had been meeting for days and hadn't gotten anywhere. It had been hours upon hours of research, international conferences, and more debates. Whenever they seemed close to a result, things would get more complicated.
Tony was about to mention his frustration when he noticed his colleague looking impatiently at the watch on her wrist, biting the inside of her cheek, a habit he realized she only did when something was bothering her.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"It's just that I didn't realize the time."
"It's 9 PM now," he commented, not quite understanding where she was going with this.
"Yeah, it's late."
"Seriously? We left here at 2 AM yesterday."
"I know, but do you know what day it is? December 23rd, people have plans, and that includes my mom who went out with some friends and the babysitter of my kids and this university recital. I should have been home 25 minutes ago and completely lost track of time."
"That doesn't make you a bad person," Tony smiled because the last thing she needed was to feel like a bad mother because of it or because of her obvious tardiness.
"It doesn't change the facts," she grumbled.
"We can finish later. It's no problem," the neurosurgeon reassured her.
"I know, but we were so close to something. I know it. We've made considerable progress since last week," Virginia said somewhat irritated. She hated having to draw a line between the two parts of her life.
"I would suggest accompanying you, but I don't want you to freak out or anything," he said lightheartedly, because that was one of the things they did now. "Besides, you've been to my house and it doesn't seem fair that I haven't seen yours," he joked, laughing to make it clear.
But Pepper stood there looking at him for a moment. For a few seconds, her heart stopped, and the doctor could swear that if she felt her legs, she would run out of his office. But then, she took a deep breath, and things started to make sense in her mind. How many colleagues met outside the hospital to discuss important cases like this? The two had been working together for two months on Mia's case; they were, as she had said, almost getting somewhere and definitely didn't have the contentious and aggressive relationship from weeks ago. It wasn't an invitation to spend the night; it was just to discuss a case they were working on as colleagues. She couldn't overthink it, or her mind would lead her to a nonexistent scenario.
"Well, if you're not too tired, we can continue at my place," the redhead found herself saying. "After all, I still need to give you those heart tips that Ellie suggested, and it would be great for you to see with your own eyes."
The neurosurgeon laughed heartily, making her laugh along, and as naturally as if it were routine, they gathered their things and headed to SoHo Gates, both cars being parked inside the garage due to the falling snow.
Pepper hurried into the house, apologizing countless times to Charlotte for the delay and hearing from her that everything was fine. When she closed the door through which the young woman had left, the surgeon went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine for her and Tony to share. She was returning to the living room when, looking at the staircase, she found two pairs of eyes intently watching her.
"What are you two doing up at this hour?" Virginia asked her children, both wearing matching pajamas, while Theo had his favorite blankie in hand, and Ellie held her favorite teddy bear.
"We heard Uncle Tony's voice," Eleanor answered.
"Is he here?" Theodore asked, and before their mother could say anything, they were already coming down the stairs, just as Tony approached offering help.
The redhead could never get used to the scene; she would never be able to express all she felt when, like at that moment, she saw the twins running to Tony with such joy, and he performed an incredible juggling act to hold them both, dividing his attention perfectly between them. Of course, she had been sidelined, and of course, it would be pointless to argue with the younger ones or glare at the older one. They were lost in their own dynamic, and she almost felt jealous.
It took over an hour for the children to finally accept that their mother and uncle needed to work, and after forcing them to put them to bed and read the same story three times because it was their favorite, they finally surrendered to sleep.
"I'm sorry about this," Pepper said as they left the children's room. They had made plans, and it was already past 11 PM.
"Are you kidding? It's no problem at all. If you ask me, I'd much rather listen to them argue about who the best Care Bear is than face more lists of diseases."
"Yeah, they are a great relief." There was no better remedy after a tiring day than the arms of the twins and the sound of their laughter echoing through the house.
"They are," Tony agreed because he had fallen in love with the two the moment he met them. "But then, are you too tired, or do you want to continue with the case?"
"Well, the kids are asleep, but maybe the wine can help us relax. I don't want to lose the momentum we're in."
"Great, let's go with the wine then," Tony accepted what Virginia was saying.
They then spread everything they had on the coffee table in the living room, sitting on the rug to be even more comfortable. They resumed discussing the case in a light and relaxed manner, so lost in their reality that they didn't even notice when Ava arrived home and took a moment to observe them before leaving them alone.
How much longer could they avoid the inevitable?