As Sister Bernadette slowly stirred from her deep sleep, a warm beam of sunlight streamed through the curtains. It felt comforting, but as she blinked away the remnants of slumber, a wave of panic washed over her. She should have been awake hours ago.
With a sudden jolt, she bolted upright in bed, her heart racing. The clock on the nightstand glared at her: 11:00 AM. Alarm surged through her veins. She was late—very late. In her haste, she twisted out of bed, only to find the sheets tangled around her legs. With a thud, she fell to the floor, the coldness of the wooden boards jolting her further into reality.
Scrambling to her feet, Sister Bernadette rushed to her closet. She yanked her Habit from its hanger, fumbling as she dressed. Each movement was frantic, driven by the urgency of the moment. She had to regain control.
Once she was finally dressed, she turned back to her bed, determined to tidy up the chaos. But as she pulled the sheets, her heart sank. Dr Turner's coat was missing. Panic gripped her. She had slept with it every night, a secret comfort in her otherwise disciplined life. How could it be gone?
With trembling hands, she tore through the bed coverings, searching desperately for the coat. But it was nowhere to be found. The bed was a mess, and so was her mind. What if someone discovered her secret? The thought sent chills down her spine. It could lead to scandal, to shame—everything she had vowed to uphold was at risk.
Taking a deep breath, Sister Bernadette tried to calm herself. She couldn't just bolt out of her room, late for Lauds and work, while fretting over a coat that was never meant to be hers. She needed to act casual, as if nothing were amiss.
"Oh, dear Lord," she whispered, her voice barely audible. The weight of her secret pressed heavily on her shoulders. She took another deep breath, steeling herself for the day ahead. Whatever happened, she would have to face it with grace.
With that resolution, Sister Bernadette opened her door, stepping into the world outside her sanctuary. The sun was bright, the halls were alive with the sounds of her fellow sisters. She could do this, at least she hoped and prayed she could.
Making her way down to the clinical room, Sister Bernadette ran into Sister Evangelina on the way.
"Sister Bernadette! You're awake!" Sister Evangelina's firm voice rang clear. Blushing, Sister Bernadette softly replied, "Yes, I'm sorry Sister, I'm not sure what happened."
Sister Evangelina put her hand on Sister Bernadette's forehead. "Well, you don't appear to be unwell. You can start by cleaning all the instruments in the clinical room, then you are first on call. Make sure you don't fall back asleep!" Sister Evangelina said in a tense voice, clearly unhappy with her.
"Yes, of course Sister," her response came out softly, as Sister Evangelina was already walking away.
Continuing on, Sister Bernadette made her way into the clinical room and started loading the instruments into the autoclave. This is where Dr Turner found her a little while later.
"Sister, hello," Dr Turner's smooth, deep voice broke through her wandering mind.
"Oh, Dr Turner, hello. Is there something you need assistance with?" she gently replied, turning her body to face him. As she observed him, she felt the rush of heat climbing her cheeks into the roots of her hair, butterflies fluttering madly in her stomach. What was it about this man that brought such sensations out of her?
He smiled at her, that wonderfully sweet lopsided smile that ignited a warmth deep within her. "I came to use your autoclave, actually. The one at the surgery has decided to play up again."
Dr Turner stepped closer, explaining his presence in the clinical room. Soon enough, they stood right in front of each other, and she could feel his warmth radiating off his body.
"Oh, well, I'm currently on autoclave duty. If you give me your instruments, I'll do them for you," her voice came out breathless and soft. She couldn't help it; this man affected her in ways no one ever had.
"Oh, that's very kind of you, Sister, but I don't want to add more to your list of chores already," he replied softly.
Time seemed to stand still as the two occupants of the room stood too close for what was appropriate, staring at each other. He wore a lopsided smile, and she looked up at him with a serene bliss, a small smile playing at her lips.
In that moment, the world outside faded away. The weight of her secret, the chaos of her morning, and the fear of discovery all melted into the background. All that mattered was the warmth of his presence and the undeniable connection that sparked between them.
xXx
Sister Julienne had been lost in thought all morning. The discovery of Dr Turner's coat in Sister Bernadette's bed weighed heavily on her mind. It was troubling. What did it mean? More importantly, what did it reveal about Sister Bernadette's emotional state?
On the surface, Sister Bernadette appeared diligent. She attended her weekly meetings, reported no issues at work, and excelled in her role as a nurse and midwife. Yet there was a palpable change. Her once beautiful voice, a melody that filled the chapel during Lauds and Compline, was now eerily absent.
Each time Sister Julienne saw her, she found her on her knees in the chapel, praying silently. Tears streamed down her cheeks, a stark contrast to the vibrant spirit Sister Julienne once knew. It was clear that she was grappling with something profound.
Sister Julienne sensed a deeper struggle. Sister Bernadette was not ready to share her burdens and she knew the silence of God weighed heavily on her, but what was it guiding her towards? Sister Julienne pondered this question, her heart heavy with concern.
And then there was Dr Turner.
Sister Julienne, despite her years in the convent, was not blind to the unspoken chemistry between the two. She had seen the glances exchanged across crowded rooms. The longing in Dr Turner's eyes was unmistakable. It was a silent conversation, thick with unexpressed feelings.
As Sister Julienne left her office, her mind was still racing. She made her way to the clinical room, but what she saw stopped her in her tracks. Dr Turner and Sister Bernadette stood too close, locked in a gaze that spoke volumes. No words were exchanged, yet their smiles were enough to reveal a world of unspoken emotions.
Sister Julienne cleared her throat, breaking the tension in the air. "Good morning, Sister Bernadette, Dr Turner." The words felt heavy, laden with unasked questions. In an instant, the two sprang apart, as if the ground beneath them had turned to lava.
The moment was electric. Sister Julienne felt the weight of the situation. What was happening here? Were they crossing a line that should remain uncrossed?
As she observed them, Sister Julienne knew that this was just the beginning. The silence that surrounded Sister Bernadette was more than just a lack of vocal expression. It was a silence filled with questions, fears, and perhaps, unacknowledged love.
A look of fear crossed over Sister Bernadette's face, she could sense this was a part of the issues Sister Bernadette had been facing and she was determined to help her find the strength to face whatever lay ahead.
Dr Turner was the first to break the silence. "Good morning, Sister. My apologies for the intrusion. My autoclave in the surgery seems to be malfunctioning, and I thought I'd come over to use yours." His voice was steady, but Sister Julienne sensed an undercurrent of tension.
Sister Bernadette remained silent, her head bowed, trembling slightly as if caught in a storm.
"It's not an issue at all, Dr Turner. You're always welcome to use Nonnatus House's autoclave," she replied, her tone firm yet kind. She wanted to restore the balance, to ease the tension that had suddenly filled the room.
"Sister, how about we have a chat in my office?" Sister Julienne suggested, her voice softening. She didn't want to frighten Sister Bernadette any more than she already seemed to be.
"Certainly, Sister Julienne. Have a good afternoon, Doctor," Sister Bernadette murmured, her voice barely above a whisper as she hastily exited the clinical room.
Sister Julienne cast one last lingering look at Dr Turner, searching for answers in his eyes, before turning to follow Sister Bernadette.
xXx
Sister Bernadette hurried to Sister Julienne's office, her heart racing. She entered and sank into the chair, her head bowed. Her hands clenched together tightly in her lap, a silent plea for strength. She felt the weight of the moment pressing down on her.
Sister Julienne entered, closing the heavy wooden door with a soft thud. The sound echoed in the stillness, creating an air of intimacy necessary for the conversation ahead. Sister Bernadette's mind raced. She knew she had stood too close to Dr Turner. The memory of that moment haunted her. In the sacred space of the convent, it felt foolish, reckless.
Sister Julienne moved her chair to sit beside her. "Sister…I…" Her voice faltered, uncertainty hanging in the air. Sister Bernadette dared to look up. Instead of anger, she saw concern etched on Sister Julienne's face. The tension began to ease, but fear still gripped her heart.
Taking a deep breath, Sister Julienne began again. "Sister, before I proceed, is there anything you wish to tell me?" Her voice was steady and calm, a soothing balm in the storm of emotions.
Tears began to stream down Sister Bernadette's cheeks, leaving trails of wetness. "Sister, I'm so sorry. I… I know how that must have looked. Please believe me, nothing untoward happened!" Her voice trembled, the weight of her confession hanging heavily.
"Nothing untoward happened today or any other day?" Sister Julienne's question was direct, the air thick with tension.
"No, Sister, never!" Sister Bernadette exclaimed, her voice rising in desperation.
"Calm down, my dear child. No one is in trouble," Sister Julienne reassured her, reaching out to hold her hands gently. The warmth of her touch offered a momentary reprieve from the storm inside.
Sister Julienne continued, "I must confess, this morning when you failed to wake for Lauds, I came to check on you. Upon checking, I discovered Dr Turner's coat in your bed." Her voice remained calm, but the words struck like a lightning bolt.
Panic surged through Sister Bernadette. The revelation echoed in her mind, amplifying her fears. The coat. Her heart raced, and tears blurred her vision. Sounds around her became muffled, her body trembling as the reality of the situation sank in.
In that moment, Sister Julienne's presence became an anchor. "Sister Bernadette, breathe," she urged softly. "We will navigate this together."
Sister Bernadette clung tightly to Sister Julienne, her heart heavy with unspoken truths. For twenty long minutes, she wept, each tear a testament to the storm brewing within her. Confusion swirled like a tempest in her mind, especially when she thought of Dr Turner. His silence felt like a void, amplifying her turmoil.
Gradually, the shaking of her shoulders subsided. The tears that once flowed freely began to dry, leaving streaks on her cheeks. Yet, she remained enveloped in Sister Julienne's warm embrace, feeling the comfort of maternal love.
"Now, my dear child," Sister Julienne's voice was soft and inviting, "how about you tell me what this is all about?"
Sister Bernadette hesitated. Honesty felt like a double-edged sword. She had never been one to lie, but the fear of judgement loomed large. What if her feelings brought shame upon Sister Julienne? What if speaking them aloud made them too real?
"I hardly know where to start, Sister…" Her voice trembled, roughened by emotion.
"Is Dr Turner a part of your recent distress in some way?" Sister Julienne gently probed.
"Yes—but not through any fault of his own!" Sister Bernadette blurted out, her words tumbling over one another.
"It's okay, child. No one is in any trouble," Sister Julienne reassured her, a soothing balm for her anxious heart.
Pulling back slightly, Sister Bernadette wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She looked into Sister Julienne's kind eyes, knowing this was the moment to bare her soul. Perhaps Sister Julienne could help her navigate these tumultuous feelings.
"It started months ago. It was subtle at first. A few thoughts about Dr Turner crept in, and I tried to push them away. But then, I found myself lingering, seeking opportunities to talk to him. He made me feel seen and heard, in a way I never had before."
She paused, gathering her thoughts as stray tears slipped down her face. "Then He became silent. No matter how hard I prayed, I felt His absence. In nearly ten years as a nun, I've never experienced this void." Her voice cracked as she continued.
"I allowed myself to get swept up in my feelings for Dr Turner. I've never had romantic feelings for anyone before. How am I supposed to know what I truly feel? I tried to distance myself, to remain professional, but it was impossible." The tremor in her voice betrayed her distress.
"These feelings just keep growing. I can't seem to stop them. I dream of a life I cannot have—a life with a husband and children, a life with him…" The dam within her broke, and tears streamed down her face.
Sister Julienne wrapped her arms around her once more, offering comfort and understanding. "It's okay, my dear. Let it out," she said, her soothing tone reaching Sister Bernadette's ears.
Sister Julienne started to pull away from the embrace to fetch her a drink of water. Coming back to sit down in front of Sister Bernadette, she handed her a glass. "Have you ever said anything to Dr Turner about this?" Sister Julienne asked.
Sister Bernadette looked shocked. "Absolutely not, Sister!" Her tone indicated her disbelief at the question.
Sister Julienne sat back in her chair, a look of consideration on her face. "Have you considered the depth of these feelings, Sister? Or if they coincide with His silence?"
Sister Bernadette pondered this question. "Well, I… I wonder if He has abandoned me because of my thoughts of Dr Turner. It is a sin to have these thoughts, Sister. I know that, but I cannot help myself." Once again, tears silently made their way down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry, Sister. I don't mean to bring you shame. I know it is wrong to have these feelings." Sister Bernadette felt panicked.
"It is okay, Sister. We are human after all. We cannot be expected to never experience human emotions," Sister Julienne reassured her.
They sat together in silence for a while, both Sisters in deep thought. "Sister, I must ask you… Have you considered all your choices in this situation?" Sister Julienne softly spoke, breaking the silence surrounding them.
"Choices? What choices?" Sister Bernadette was confused.What was Sister Julienne on about?
"Well, you know there is always more than one path, Sister. What might have been your calling to religious life all those years ago might not be your path any longer…" Sister Julienne gently spoke.
"No! Absolutely not! My path cannot change! I was called to religious life – and that cannot change!" Sister Bernadette felt panic rising, her breath quickening. Her hands began to tremble. Sister Julienne reached out and grabbed her hands. "It's okay, my child. I did not mean to upset you further," she said, her calming voice ringing out.
"Why don't you go to your room and rest for the remainder of the day? I suspect you could use it. We can reconvene tomorrow," Sister Julienne suggested.
"Sister, I will go rest as you request, but I do not want to talk about this. All I want to do is go back to work, forget all about this." She hoped Sister Julienne would drop it. She could not bear to continue these conversations any further. All she wanted was for life to go back to the way it used to be—no more confusing feelings, no more silence from Him, no more uncertainty in her life.
"Sister, I am uncomfortable with not continuing this conversation. We will talk about this, and I will assist you in understanding these feelings and His silence," Sister Julienne's tone reflected that the conversation was final.
Sister Bernadette nodded and left the office, feeling emotionally drained. As she made her way down the corridor to her room, she stripped off her habit, wimple, and cap. Staring into the mirror, she saw a reflection of turmoil: her hair a mess, eyes red and puffy from tears, cheeks flushed.
"Why can I not let these feelings go?" she thought, unable to bear her reflection any longer. Crawling into bed, she felt the absence of Dr Turner's coat, which she had grown accustomed to sleeping with. Tossing and turning for hours, she slowly drifted off to a sleep filled with dreams of a life she wished she could have.
xXx