The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and another installment of Halloween Havoc VII. Previously on The Mayhem Critic, Sean kicked off Halloween Havoc VII when he reviewed the Wes Craven's horror classic A Nightmare on Elm Street and gave his thoughts on it. Today, Halloween Havoc VII continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews Cape Fear, the 1991 remake of the 1962 Robert Mitchum/Gregory Peck movie while he deals with a certain movie critic who's out to get him. Who could it be? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious yet suspenseful chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Cape Fear is owned by Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.
Halloween Havoc VII Part II: Cape Fear (1991)
SEAN J. ARCHER'S
HALLOWEEN HAVOC VII
After the Halloween Havoc VII intro ends, the scene fades into a dark theater, where we see Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic and his girlfriend Taylor Addison are watching Beetlejuice Beetlejuice as the couple were starting to laugh at the MacArthur Park musical number.
"You know, this is great. This movie is funnier the first time you watch it and it keeps getting funnier the second time." Sean said, laughing.
"I know." Taylor said.
Sean throws his arm around Taylor as they continue to watch the movie. Suddenly, some man in the theater is laughing too loud, disturbing Sean and Taylor while they're watching the movie. The man continues to laugh loudly and claps his hands until Sean gets annoyed by him.
"I can't believe this guy. I know the movie's funny but this guy's laughing so loud I can't even here ourselves laugh." Sean said before he tries to get the man's attention. "Hey, man. Hey, buddy. Could you keep it down please? We're trying to watch the movie."
The man continues to laugh loud.
"Hey!" Sean said as the man ignores him. "Let's move to another seat."
Sean and Taylor move to different seats away from the man. The man, who was wearing a black hat, glasses, a pumpkin jacket, a white shirt and a red tie turns around and continues to laugh. We then cut to a restaurant, where we see Sean and Taylor having their little dinner date after the movies.
"Enjoying your meal?" Sean asked while he cuts his steak.
"Pretty good. It's nice of us to spend some time alone together." Taylor said.
"I know." Sean said, smiling at Taylor as their waitress walks over to their table.
"Here's your apple pie." Callie, who's playing the waitress, says.
"Uh, wait a minute. We didn't order an apple pie. Who ordered it for us?" Sean asked.
"That man sitting right at the table." Callie/Waitress said.
Sean looks over at the table across from him and Taylor as he sees the same man from the theater. His eyes widened in surprise as he recognized the man.
"Uh, sweetie. Could you excuse me for a minute please?" Sean asked.
"Sure." Taylor said.
Sean makes his way over to the man's table to talk to him.
"Excuse me, sir. Did you just send an apple pie to our table?" Sean asked.
"I sure did, Sean." The man said.
"Wait, do I know you? How did you know my name?" Sean asked as the man stood up from his table.
"Oh, I'm surprised that you don't remember me, Sean. I remember you because I remember it so you don't have to. It's been seven long years since you started your own review show and you wanted me to do a review with you." The man said.
"Nostalgia Critic? Holy cow. Hey, how are you doing? Look, I've wanted to do a review with you, but I've been busy doing other reviews. Look, I'm sorry that I didn't do a review with you but that was a long time ago, a long time ago. I'm sorry." Sean said.
"Oh, you don't understand the concept of time, Sean. You've never had to review Movie 43. And pain. Have you ever reviewed Mr. Nanny? I had to deal with Hulk Hogan. Now THAT's pain." The Nostalgia Critic said.
"Okay, you're out of your mind. I'm gonna take my girlfriend with me and we're getting out of here." Sean said as he leaves the restaurant with Taylor.
"You can run but you can't hide, Sean! You do realize that vengeance is mine. Let me make myself very clear, I can get into your home. I want to do a review with you, Sean. A REVIEW!" The Nostalgia Critic yelled out.
"Uh, that guy didn't pay for his check." Callie/Waitress said.
"Oh, I'll pay for his meal." The Nostalgia Critic said.
After that run-in with the Nostalgia Critic, we then cut to Sean's house as we see Sean sitting on his bed while wearing a Chicago Bears t-shirt and his black pajama shorts. His eyes are closed while he waits for Taylor to join him.
"Okay, Sean. Are you ready?" Taylor asked.
"Oh, yeah. I'm ready." Sean said.
"Ok, you can open them now." Taylor said.
Sean opens his eyes, they widened in surprise from the sight of Taylor standing in the middle of the doorway in a seductive pose while wearing a black satin lace-trim mini slip that she bought from Victoria's Secret.
"I'm wearing that lingerie that you love seeing me in." Taylor said.
"Ohhhh. Those legs go on forever." Sean said while checking out Taylor.
Taylor makes her way over to the bed and straddles Sean's lap, kissing him on his lips. Sean wraps his arms around the blonde beauty while running his hands up and down her back while he continues to kiss her passionately. Suddenly, the caption "GRATUITOUS SEX SCENE" is shown before Sean breaks the fourth wall.
"Excellent!" Sean said before throwing the covers over himself and Taylor.
(We then cut to a title card that reads "A Few Moments Later")
Narrator: A few moments later…
Sean and Taylor are both laying in bed, panting heavily from the mind-blowing sex that they just had.
"That… was… amazing." Taylor said while she catches her breath.
"I know. It was better than the sex scenes from Brazzers." Sean said.
"I say it's better that the sex scenes from Tell Me Lies." Taylor said.
"Right." Sean said.
"I'm going to go get me something to drink. You want any… AAAAAHHHH!" Taylor screamed.
"What?! What is it?" Sean asked.
"Outside! Look! On the wall!" Taylor pointed out.
The young movie critic looks out the window only to find the Nostalgia Critic sitting on his wall.
"Oh, I don't believe this guy." Sean said.
"Sean, you've been a really naughty boy. Not only you and Taylor are a bunch of screamers in the bedroom, but you put a restraining order against me. Nothing's gonna stop me from doing a review with you." The Nostalgia Critic said.
"That's it! I'm callin' the police!" Sean exclaimed as he picks up his phone and called the police. "Hello, police? Yeah, this is Sean J. Archer and I would like to report a crime. Huh? Well, thank you. Anyway, I… Okay, yeah. Thanks for enjoying my reviews. What? You love my review of Reindeer Games. Yeah, that's everyone's favorite review. Now, can I get some service?! Okay, I would like to report that somebody's…"
Suddenly, Sean sees that the Nostalgia Critic is gone.
"What the hell? That's strange. He's gone. Nevermind." Sean said as he ends the call. "I must be going out of my mind."
(We then cut to a title card that reads "The Next Day")
Narrator: The next day…
After being stalked by the Nostalgia Critic, Sean takes drastic measures into his own hands by locking all of the doors and windows, turning on the security system and even wrapping a fishing line around Taylor's teddy bear all while he's sitting on the couch in his living room while holding his signature Beretta 92FS Inox pistol and an Uzi sitting by his side.
"Sean, this is ridiculous. Let the Nostalgia Critic do a review with you." Taylor said.
"No way. He's not coming in here." Sean said.
"So, what are you going to do, just wait till he tries to break in and you shoot him?" Taylor asked.
"That's exactly what I'm going to do." Sean said.
"Oy." Taylor said, rolling her eyes at Sean.
As she leaves, Sean sits his gun down on the coffee table and looks at the camera to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "If you didn't get the parody by now, we're about to talk about this movie."
(The poster pops up on the top left corner next to Sean before we cut to movie's title screen. Clips from the movie are shown along with the original 1962 version while music by Elmer Bernstein plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 15th, 1991 and directed by the amazing Martin Scorsese. Cape Fear is a remake of the 1962 film starring Robert Mitchum and Gregory Peck which was based on the 1957 novel The Executioners by John D. MacDonald (The poster for the 1962 version is shown along with the 1957 novel). It's everything that you've expected to see in this movie. It's pretty brutal and violent. Originally, Steven Spielberg was going to direct the movie while Scorsese was going to direct Schindler's List. But Spielberg thought that the movie was too violent, so he traded it to Scorsese in exchange for Schindler's List.
"Definitely a wise choice." Sean said.
(Cut back to more clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) It's dark, it's violent, it's carefully crafted with a terrifying performance by Robert De Niro. Hell, when Steven Spielberg was originally going to direct the movie, he planned on casting Bill Murray as Max Cady. But, De Niro is perfect. He's the reason why this movie scares the shit out of people. It's been 33 years since this movie scared us and we're gonna see how well it holds up.
"While I stay cooped up in the house to stay away from a certain critic with glasses, this is Cape Fear. The 1991 version, not the 1962 version." Sean said.
(The movie begins with an opening title sequence done by Elaine & Saul Bass)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a pretty good title sequence done perfectly by Elaine & Saul Bass. A little fun fact about this intro, portions of Bass' title sequences were reused from the unreleased ending of his film Phase IV (The poster for the 1974 movie Phase IV is shown). I would also like to mention the music score in this movie. Elmer Bernstein, who composed the music for Ghostbusters adapted Bernard Hermann's music score for the movie and it is one of my favorite works from Bernstein and he did a pretty good job. I mean, it's not the only time that somebody adapted Bernard Hermann's music score for a remake.
Suddenly the poster for the 1998 remake of Psycho is shown.
"Oh, right. I forgot. That one. I'm still not gonna review it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie goes from red to negative, as we see that Danielle Bowden, played by Juliette Lewis, who was nominated for an Academy Award for her performance, tells the story about Cape Fear.
Danielle Bowden (Played by Juliette Lewis): I always thought that such a lovely river the name is mystifying: "Cape Fear".
"Boom! Title drop!" Sean exclaimed.
Danielle Bowden: When the only thing to fear on those enchanted summer nights was that the Magic would end and real life would come crashing in.
(The next scene transitions to a prison cell filled with pictures of Stalin, a couple of Jack Kirby drawings, pictures of other dictators and religious figures. There's also a shelf filled with law books and the Bible and other books. We then see a muscular man with tattoos all over his body working out in his prison cell)
Sean: (Narrating) We get the best introduction to one of my favorite movie villains of all time Max Cady, played by Robert De Niro, and this is one of my favorite performances from De Niro aside from Taxi Driver, The Untouchables and Goodfellas. Plus, he was nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Max Cady. Anyway, back to Cady as we see that he's been serving 14 years in prison and now he's finally getting released after serving his time.
Prison Guard: Any people coming for you, Cady?
(Max silently shakes his head "No")
Prison Guard: What about your books?
Max Cady (Played by Robert De Niro): Already read 'em.
"You can give 'em to that fella with the big red hair and the big feet." Sean said, imitating Max Cady while mentioning Sideshow Bob.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get the coolest shot of Cady leaving prison with the storm in the background, giving us some epic foreshadowing, we cut to the home of the Bowden family, we all know Danielle, like i mentioned before is played by Juliette Lewis, as we see her greeting the housekeeper Graciela, played by Zully Montero respectively, and watching her mother Leigh played by Jessica Lange, working on some of her drawings. Uh, what is Leigh's job exactly?
(We see the caption "Painter" shown on the screen)
"Oh, she's a painter. Yes, I had to check the Martin Scorsese wiki site." Sean said.
Leigh Bowden (Played by Jessica Lange): Not the most mind-blowing concept for a travel agency, but what the hey?
Danielle Bowden: Like an arrow maybe?
Leigh Bowden: Yeah, like an arrow. Maybe. But then the other aspect is stability- a company that you can trust. See, if you can balance those ideas in a way that's pleasing to the eye, then you got a logo.
Danielle Bowden: Okay. Movement, stability and an arrow. (Chuckles) Okay. I'll think of something for that one.
(Leigh sighs as Benjamin the dog hops on her lap)
Leigh Bowden: Benjamin. Yes. (Pets the dog) They switched babies on me at the hospital, didn't they? Huh?
"Well, it was going to be Drew Barrymore or Reese Witherspoon. So, I guess you're stuck with Audrey Griswold." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to lawyer Sam Bowden, played by Nick Nolte,...
"Hey, look. Nick Nolte is playing a guy who's sober." Sean said.
(Nick Nolte's infamous mugshot from 2002 is shown while music from Cape Fear plays)
Tom Broadbent (Played by Fred Dalton Thompson): How'd you do in there?
Sam Bowden (Played by Nick Nolte): I got the judge to postpone the alimony hearing for another 21 days.
Tom Broadbent: Oh, great.
Sam Bowden: Yeah.
Tom Broadbent: Well, I've got till Monday to find out which S and L in which municipality my son-in-law stashed all that money.
Sam Bowden: Right, right.
Tom Broadbent: Anyway, I thank you, and my daughter thanks you.
Sam Bowden: Oh, you're welcome, Tom.
(We then cut to a movie theater where they're showing the film Problem Child)
Ben Healy (Played by John Ritter): Heeeeeeeeeeere's... Daddy!
(Ben kicks Junior's bedroom door open as the audience laughs)
"Props to the movie showing Problem Child. That's a nice touch there, Scorsese." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady is sitting in the movie theater watching Problem Child while he smokes a cigar and laughs loudly, much to the annoyance of Sam and his family. Yeah, this is one reason why I should stop going to the movies.
(Cady is laughing loudly while Sam tries to get his attention)
Sam Bowden: Excuse me. Excuse me.
(No answer. Cady continues to laugh)
Sam Bowden: (To his Leigh and Danny) Come on. Let's move our seats.
(Sam and family move to different seats while Cady keeps laughing loudly while he puffs on his cigar)
"There's always that one asshole in the movie theater." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam takes his family to get some ice cream and when he gets ready to pay for their stuff, guess who's already paid for it?
Sam Bowden: How much do I owe you?
Ice Cream Cashier (Played by Tamara Jones): It's taken care of.
Sam Bowden: It's taken care of? Who?
Ice Cream Cashier: (Nods) There.
(Sam turns around and sees Cady sitting outside in his red Ford Mustang while he's smoking a cigarette while "Every Breath You'll Take" by The Police plays in the background)
Sam Bowden: Girls, girls. Come on, let's sit inside.
Leigh Bowden: What?
Sam Bowden: Yeah. Let's sit inside.
(Cady continues to watch Sam and his family. As Sam and his family head inside the ice cream parlor, he turns around and sees that Cady's car is gone)
Sean: (V/O as Sam) I thought I just saw Jimmy Conway. Welp, must've been my imagination.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Sam his playing racquetball with a courthouse clerk named Lori Davis, played by Illeana Douglas, who happens to have a crush on Sam. Or maybe he's having an affair with her. I don't know. Also, here's a little fun fact: her and Martin Scorsese dated at the time.
"No wonder why she's always in his movies, he was boinking her!" Sean exclaimed.
Sam Bowden: You know, we should stop doing this for a while.
Lori Davis (Played by Illeana Douglas): Doing- - Doing what? We're not doing anything.
Sam Bowden: Yeah. I know that.
Lori Davis: Yet. Okay. No, fine, fine. Maybe you're right. Why? Does your wife mind?
Sam Bowden: Well, my wife doesn't even know you exist, which most certainly is for the best.
Lori Davis: Why is that?
"I don't know. Because you're too tan." Sean said, referring to her character on Seinfeld.
Lori Davis: It's just that I like hanging out with you, you know? So sue me.
(Lori and Sam both laugh)
Lori Davis: You're funny and you're cute. And, I don't know- - we talk about the courts, and which judge is senile… and which one wears a gun under his robe.
Sam Bowden: Oh, well. You know, Lori, another time, another place. Who knows, you know?
"Judges wearing guns under their robes. What, do they expect a shootout happening in the courtroom? I never heard of anything like this in my life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lori leaves as Sam heads into his car until he has a run-in with Cady.
(Cady takes Sam's keys out from the ignition)
Sam Bowden: Hey!
Max Cady: Free as a bird apparently. You go wherever you want with whomever. That much freedom could maybe get a fella into trouble. What do you think?
Sam Bowden: I'd like my keys.
Max Cady: Could it be you don't remember me?
Sam Bowden: Oh, yeah, sure, I remember you. You were at the movie house the other night.
Max Cady: Oh, I'm disappointed. I'm hurt.
Sam Bowden: I would like my keys.
Max Cady: (Introduces himself) Max Cady. You look the same. Maybe 15 pounds heavier. But they say the average man gains a pound a year until he's about- -
(Sam tries to grab his keys but Cady snatches them away)
Sam Bowden: Oh, come on. Okay?
Max Cady: Gains a pound a year till he's about 60. Me, I dropped a pound every year of my sentence.
"Well, you should've seen me, counselor. I looked like Jake La Motta back then." Sean said, imitating Max.
Sam Bowden: What brings you to New Essex?
Max Cady: Oh, the climate. Boy, the South. Well, I'm thinkin' of settlin' right down here in New Essex, counselor.
Sam Bowden: Have you been following me?
Max Cady: It's a small town. Everywhere you turn, I guess we're gonna run into each other.
Sam Bowden: (Starts his car) Well, take care, Mr. Cady.
Max Cady: You too. (Walks off) You're gonna learn about loss.
Sam Bowden: What?
Sean: (V/O as Max) Nothin'!
Brian: (V/O as Sam) Oh, nevermind.
Sean: (V/O as Max) Dipshit.
Brian: (V/O as Sam) What?
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Bowden residence as we see that Sam and Leigh are getting ready for bed while talking about plans for the summer.
Leigh Bowden: Well, I wanted to in early June, remember? You said you didn't have time this summer.
Sam Bowden: I probably don't.
Leigh Bowden: Yeah, well now I don't either. Besides, Danny's got summer school till Labor Day.
Sam Bowden: (Brushes his teeth) Is it really that critical that she can't miss two damn weeks?
Leigh Bowden: You know, the alternative was to expel her. Besides, maybe this drama teacher from the college will get her excited about something. You know?
Sam Bowden: Yeah. About him probably. I mean, why'd they have to make such a stink, like she was on heroin or something? I mean, marijuana. What's marijuana? You and I smoked a little dope in our time.
Leigh Bowden: Yeah.
Sam Bowden: In some cultures, it's considered almost a sacrament. Of course, I realize in ours it's forbidden.
Leigh Bowden: Right up there with incest and necrophilia and bestiality and- -
Sam Bowden: Honey, honey. Honey.
"You know, hearing you talk like that is gonna turn me on." Sean said, imitating Sam.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam and Leigh get freaky in the bedroom and we get the use of Scorsese's use of frames like an old-school movie. Every shot in the movie feels like a Hitchcock movie. It's interesting like a film negative cut. That's Scorsese using these interesting cuts especially with Jessica Lange's character walking over to the makeup table and putting on lipstick. Shots like that makes me love the film even more. Anyway, Leigh walks over to the window and sees Cady sitting on top of their wall just being creepy. Again, I love the shot of Cady sitting on the wall while the fireworks is going off behind him. Christ! This movie is good.
Leigh Bowden: Sam. Sam, somebody's out there!
Sam Bowden: (Wakes up) What?
(Sam tries to turn the light on, but Leigh stops him)
Leigh Bowden: No. Leave the light off. Leave it off.
(Sam and Leigh look out the window and they get ready to head outside)
Leigh Bowden: I saw him when the fireworks went off.
(Sam mutters something)
Leigh Bowden: What?
Sam Bowden: I think I talked to him this afternoon.
Leigh Bowden: You know him?
"Yeah, this guy kept asking him if he likes steak." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam and Leigh head outside to get Cady off their property, only to find that he's gone. So the next day, Sam is talking to his boss Tom Broadbent, played by Fred Dalton Thompson, about Max Cady and we learn some history between him and Cady. Turns out fourteen years ago, Sam was Cady's lawyer for a rape trial. The woman that Cady raped was promiscuous and Sam hid the report.
Tom Broadbent: Some folks just don't have the right to the best defense. Huh, Sam?
Sam Bowden: No! Of course they deserve the best defense. But if you had seen what he did to this girl.
Tom Broadbent: You buried the report.
Sam Bowden: I mean, if it was your own daughter, Tom. Yeah, I mean- -
Tom Broadbent: Buried the report. Jesus, Sam. I- -
Sam Bowden: (Sits down) Oh, God. (Sighs) But I don't see how he could know that. I mean, he was illiterate. I had to read everything to him. The probable cause affidavit, the arrest reports- - everything. There's no way he could know that.
"Hey, this dude taught himself how to read and study law. Time in prison changes a man." Sean said.
(Cut to Leigh and Danny at the house)
Leigh Bowden: Hey, Danny. It's so quiet out here, and the light's so perfect. Why don't you get your book and come out here and read?
Danielle Bowden: Why?
Leigh Bowden: I told you why.
Danielle Bowden: Well, is it because he's like a flasher or just a peeper?
Leigh Bowden: What do you know about that? A flasher.
Danielle Bowden: Oh, you don't think I've been flashed before?
"Just a quick sidenote here: Juliette Lewis was insanely cute in this movie." Sean said.
Leigh Bowden: Look, if you want to come out, come on out. If you don't, go on. Do whatever you want.
(Danielle leaves the room)
Leigh Bowden: Oh, but don't go outside.
"I don't want you running off with Woody Harrelson of all people." Sean said, imitating Leigh while a picture of Woody Harrelson as Mickey Knox from the movie Natural Born Killers is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Sam, he's having a nice little walk around town, until he has another run-in with Max Cady.
Sam Bowden: Look, Mr. Cady, I realized that you suffered.
(Cady laughs)
Sam Bowden: I mean, I understand your problem, but I mean, why me? Look, I was your lawyer. I defended you. Why not badger the D.A. or the judge?
Max Cady: (Laughing) "Badger."
Sam Bowden: Yeah. Why not them? Yeah, why not them?
Max Cady: "Badger." Best I remember, they was just doin' right by their jobs.
Sam Bowden: Oh, I didn't do my job? Is that right? Look, I pleaded you out to a lesser-included offense. You could've gotten rape instead of battery.
Max Cady: Oh, I'd have been up for parole either way in seven years, according to the Georgia Penal Code.
Sam Bowden: Rape is a capital offense. You could've gotten life. You could've done death. You could be sittin' on Death Row right now.
"If he did, then it we wouldn't see him fuck with you and your family throughout the whole movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady tells Sam that he learned how to read during his time in prison and studied law and acted as his own attorney. Sam tries to give him money, but Cady is not the type of guy who wants money.
Max Cady: You ever been with a woman?
Sam Bowden: A what?
Max Cady: A woman. Some fat, hairy, ugly hillbilly's wet dream.
"Okay, I cannot imagine a fat, ugly hillbilly getting a woman. I bet she would be totally repulsed by him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After his little conversation with Cady, Sam gets a phone call from his wife and he immediately heads home as Leigh tells him that their dog died. Holy shit. I didn't expect Cady to kill the dog. This is some dark shit.
Sam Bowden: What did the vet say?
Leigh Bowden: That he was poisoned.
Sam Bowden: Poisoned? Poison. What kind of a poison?
Leigh Bowden: I don't know what kind of poison.
Sam Bowden: Well, Jesus, Leigh. I told you not to let him out.
Leigh Bowden: (Angrily) I didn't let him out!
Sam Bowden: Then how?
Danielle Bowden: Stop it!
(Danny runs out of the room and slams the door shut as Sam and Leigh stop fighting)
"Also, I would just like to point out that Scorsese wanted the Bowdens to be miserable instead of a happy family. Guess you're gonna make them miserable now with the dog being killed. I guess you can count it as the body count has started." Sean said.
"SEAN! Sean, something's wrong with Riley!" Taylor shouted.
"What's wrong with my cat?" Sean asked.
"Her food has been laced with catnip. The Nostalgia Critic got your cat high on catnip!" Taylor exclaimed.
"What?! That son of a bitch! That's it, nobody gets my cat high on catnip and gets away with it!" Sean exclaimed as his picks up his phone to call somebody.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam heads down to the police station to meet with Lieutenant Elgart, played by Robert Mitchum, who played Max Cady in the original film. What I also love about this movie is that they have some of the actors from the original film in this movie. Aside from Robert Mitchum in the film, you also have Gregory Peck, who played Sam Bowden in the original, playing an attorney named Lee Heller and Martin Balsam, who played police chief Mark Dutton, plays a judge in the movie. That's what I love about remakes sometimes, they tend to have the actors from the original movie make a cameo appearance.
Lieutenant Elgart (Played by Robert Mitchum): We'll give him a full-body strip search, jerk a knot in his tail.
Sam Bowden: All right.
(Sam and Elgart watch as the police officer bring Cady into another room on the other side)
Lieutenant Elgart: I got so many ways on the books to lean on an undesirable. He'll feel about as welcome around here as a case of yellow fever.
Cop #1: Hands against the wall.
Cop #2: Spread 'em! Spread 'em!
(Cady places his hands against the wall and looks back)
Lieutenant Elgart: That him?
(Sam stays silent for a bit)
Lieutenant Elgart: One-way mirror, Mr. Bowden. He doesn't know you're here.
Sam Bowden: Yeah. Yeah, that's him.
"Unless, somebody turns on the light in the room like a complete idiot, he'll be able to see you. Trust me, I've seen that happen on Reno 911 and Police Academy 3." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The police have Cady do a strip search as he takes off his shirt to reveal his tattoos and his insanely-ripped body. So, this is what Travis Bickle would look like if he spent 14 years in prison. I just love that the fact that some of his tattoos are bible verses that are about revenge.
Detective (Played by Will Knickerbocker): We searched his apartment. His car registration, everything's in order. There's no guns or any other weapons, but we found these.
(The detective shows Elgart Cady's savings account)
Lieutenant Elgart: Cady's savings account.
Sam Bowden: $30,000?
"Damn! I should be making that kind of money while I'm whipping out reviews. I need that Max Cady money." Sean said.
Lieutenant Elgart: Now, what happened? You let the dog out. Cady abducted him.
Sam Bowden: No, uh, we didn't let the dog out.
Lieutenant Elgart: Cady came into your house? Now, that's illegal entry with intent!
Sam Bowden: No, no, no. But he- - He didn't come into the house. Now, look. I'm not a cop. I don't know exactly how he did it. I just know that he did it somehow.
"Then why the hell are we here?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you can just say that he poisoned your dog and they'll arrest his ass. We could've ended the movie right here. Hell, you're the lawyer, you should know this stuff! Anyway, after the cops strip Cady down to his leopard-printed underwear and making him look embarrassed, Sam and his family enjoy the Fourth of July parade. Hopefully, he doesn't see Cady.
(Sam sees Cady across the street looking at Leigh)
Sam Bowden: Son of a bitch!
Leigh Bowden: What?
Sam Bowden: He's staring at you!
"Nobody eye humps my wife and gets away with it." Sean said, imitating Sam.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam confronts Cady and handles the situation the best way possible… by shoving the guy right in front of people. Nice job, doughface.
Max Cady: What's with you, buddy? You've got no right to be pushing me around like that. I was just watching the parade. I wasn't pranking on nobody.
"He's just pissed that he's gotta star with Julia Roberts in I Love Trouble three years later." Sean said. "Seriously, who thought that the team-up of Nick Nolte and Julia Roberts thought it would be a great idea?"
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Cady is at a bar with Lori and the two of them are having a great time. Yeah, I don't think going out on a date with this guy is a pretty good idea. Who knows what he's capable of.
Lori Davis: So, now it's my turn. Where are you from?
Max Cady: Where am I from?
Lori Davis: Yes.
Max Cady: You're gonna love this. I'm from, uh… (Chuckles) Georgia State Correctional Facility.
(Lori laughs hysterically)
Max Cady: Now you think I'm joking. That's the truth.
"Uh, lady…. I don't think that's such a good idea spending some time with this guy." Sean said.
Lori Davis: Can I ask you something?
Max Cady: What?
Lori Davis: What did you do?
Max Cady: I knew you were gonna ask. I hacked my wife into 52 pieces.
Lori Davis: (Laughs) I was afraid you were gonna say that.
"Red flag! Red flag! Leave! What's next? Are y'all gonna go back to your place for some action?" Sean asked.
(We then cut to Max and a drunk Lori at her place as we see them on the bed together)
Lori Davis: (Notices the tattoos on Cady) Who's Loretta anyway?
Max Cady: The love of my life. She's no longer with us.
Lori Davis: I thought I was the love of your life.
Max Cady: Chopped her up into 52 pieces.
(Max and Lori both laugh)
"Oh, Jesus." Sean said as he makes a facepalm.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady whips out the handcuffs and uses them on Lori….
"Oh, well. She's into some kinky shit. Hopefully, there's a safe word involved." Sean said.
(Cady handcuffs Lori while she's laughing)
Lori Davis: Officer, I swear it was a mistake. (Laughing)
Max Cady: That married guy hurt you like this? 'Cause what he did to me hurt a lot worse than this!
(Cady dislocates Lori's shoulder. She screams, then Cady bites a chunk of flesh off of her cheek and spits it out)
Max Cady: I've got you now, bitch!
(Cady then proceeds to beat Lori and we cut to the outside of Lori's house while we see Cady continue to beat her from a distance)
Sean sits silently, a terrified look appeared on his face after he witnessed the violent act that Max Cady has performed on Lori, which ends up scaring the young critic. He quickly gets up, and heads upstairs into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Then, with a scream of his greatest fear, he released his bowels! Sean the Mayhem Critic, for once in his life, has literally been scared shitless. He then walks out of the bathroom, and sits back down on the couch with the look of fear still frozen on his face. He then motions for the movie to continue.
Sean: (Narrating) After that scary as hell scene, Sam plays the piano and notices that a piano wire is missing and Lieutenant Elgart calls to let him know that Cady raped another victim.
Leigh Bowden: Rape? But you said it was battery.
Sam Bowden: Yeah, well, the case was a wobbler. I got it reduced.
Leigh Bowden: Oh, I remember those days- - "old slippery Sam."
Sam Bowden: I'm sorry, Leigh. I just didn't want to alarm you or Danny.
Leigh Bowden: Why? How old was that girl?
Sam Bowden: Sixteen.
Danielle Bowden: Sixteen. What?
"Nick, you do realize that Juliette was 18 at the time. And she's playing a sixteen-year-old." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam and Lieutenant Elgart head to the hospital to speak with the victim, but the victim is scared and claimed that she fell down the stairs. They enter the room and Sam recognizes Lori as the victim.
Lori Davis: You stood me up at the club the other day, and then you didn't call. And then last night, I- - I was feeling… pretty reckless. And I thought about what you said, you know, that your wife- - that she didn't know I existed. (Crying) And I felt like… I was gonna show you. (Sobbing) I guess I showed you, all right, didn't I? I guess I really showed you!
"Well, that's what happens when you go out with a guy who bashed a guy's skull with a baseball bat.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam tells Lori that Cady has done this kind of thing before and that he'll do this over and over again if she testifies, but she refuses to press charges out of fear because their ongoing flirtation would become public. Then, Lieutenant Elgart suggests to Sam that some things that are better handled quietly, which is to use his family as bait as an excuse for a justifiable homicide.
Sam Bowden: What are you suggesting, Lieutenant- - that I use my family as bait? And then what- - I'm gonna hope that this psychopath attacks my wife and child? And then what- - blow his head off?
Lieutenant Elgart: I'm a law officer. It would be unethical of me to advise a citizen to take the law into his own hands. So, I suppose you must've misunderstood me.
Sam Bowden: Oh, I guess I must have.
Lieutenant Elgart: Well, pardon me all over the place.
"Damn, lawyers. I try to suggest vigilante justice for them and they turn it down. It worked for Charles Bronson." Sean said, imitating Lieutenant Elgart.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam locks ups all the doors and windows in his house to keep Cady from coming in and the next day, he hires a private investigator named Claude Kersek, played by Joe Don Baker, and he tells him about his situation with Cady.
Claude Kersek (Played by Joe Don Baker): What's your connection with this fella?
Sam Bowden: (Exhales) I was his lawyer, his public defender.
Claude Kersek: But you shafted him somehow, right?
Sam Bowden: (Laughs) Well, at least that's the way he perceives it.
Claude Kersek: Sam, Sam, Sam. I don't care what you did. What did he do?
Sam Bowden: He raped a 16-year-old girl.
Claude Kersek: You have a daughter around 16?
Sam Bowden: She's 15.
"Oh, wait. She's an 18-year-old playing a 15-year-old. Yeah, if you want me to believe that Nancy Wheeler's breasts are still in high school, then I'll believe anything." Sean said as a picture of Nancy Wheeler from Stranger Things is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Kersek agrees to help Sam because who wouldn't want Mitchell to be their private investigator? That would be awesome. And things are gonna be all right for the Bowdens.
(The phone rings at maximum volume, startling Sam and his family. Sam then answers the phone)
Sam Bowden: Yes?
Claude Kersek: Yeah, it's me.
Sean: (V/O as Sam) Goddamn it, man! I hired you to follow Max Cady around, not to scare the living bejeezus out of me and my family.
Sean: (Narrating) Kersek tells Sam that he spoke with a corrections officer at Statesboro Prison and he tells him that Cady had a job in the kitchen working with another inmate who complained about him and let's just say that Cady was violent towards him. After that conversation, Sam sneaks into the bedroom to call Lori, but he should take a lesson from Dhar Mann, what happens in the dark, comes out in the light.
Leigh Bowden: Well, I just don't know what I hate more- - that insipid tone… or your stupid, sophomoric infidelities. Who was that, huh? The girl that got beat up?
Sam Bowden: Yes, it was the girl that got beat up. Lori Davis. I already told you. She works at the county courthouse. She's a clerk.
Leigh Bowden: And what- - you're fucking her?
Sam Bowden: (Sighs) Oh, no.
Leigh Bowden: Interesting choice, Sam- - calling from our bedroom phone.
"It could be worse. He could've pulled a Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he could've been sexting Lori. But then again, this movie was made in '91, so nevermind." Sean said.
Leigh Bowden: Well- - (Starts hitting Sam in anger) You sleazy son of a bitch!
Sam Bowden: Oh! Leigh! Damn it!
Leigh Bowden: You son of a bitch!
Sam Bowden: Leigh, you calm…
Leigh Bowden: Goddamn son of a bitch!
Sam Bowden: You stop it! Leigh! Danny's right downstairs.
(Danielle overhears her parents)
Sam Bowden: Oh, honey, there's nothing the matter.
"Your mom and I were just playing GoldenEye on the N64. She's upset that I kept beating her in multiplayer." Sean said, imitating Sam.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I just love the fact that Scorsese wanted to make this family so miserable. Plus, I just love the acting between Nolte, Lange and Lewis. I just love how Danny calls up her friend while her parents are busy having an argument about his supposed infidelity and past things. After their argument, Sam admits to Leigh that he's scared about the whole Max Cady situation and fearing that he'll come after his family. And since Lori wouldn't testify, him and Leigh could work together as a team and nail Cady.
(We then cut to Sam sleeping on the couch)
Sam Bowden: Oh! Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, this is great. This is somethin' else. Oh! Oh- - (Scoffing) Oh, shit!
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): Boy, he's really not getting any, is he?
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kersek is out having lunch, but then Cady orders his food for him and paid for it, so the best damn private investigator confronts him for a little chat.
Claude Kersek: You know, I've been in a real bad mood lately. It's a shame, ain't it? You know what you can do to brighten my mood?
Max Cady: No.
Claude Kersek: Get the hell outta here.
(Cady laughs)
Claude Kersek: I don't mean just this little town. I mean the whole goddamn state. I don't wanna see ya. I don't wanna hear ya. And I don't wanna smell ya. Now leave.
Max Cady: Now, I'd like to- - Are you my friend?
Claude Kersek: No, I'm not your friend.
Max Cady: Oh, 'cause I thought maybe you were my friend, because I like to plan my comin's and goin's with friends. But if you're not my friend, your planning and comin's and goin's- - I'd call that presumptuous. In fact, I'd call it downright rude. 'Cause I ain't your porch-baby, buddy.
Claude Kersek: Well, gee-golly-gosh. I sure am sorry I offended you, you white-trash piece of shit.
"Mitchell doesn't take kindly to psychopaths in his town." Sean said.
Max Cady: It's not necessary to lay a foul tongue on me, my friend. I could get upset. Things could get outta hand. And then in self-defense, I could do somethin' to you that you would not like, right here.
Claude Kersek: Anytime you feel squirrelly, you just jump.
Max Cady: You threatenin' me? You threatenin' me?
Claude Kersek: You catch on fast.
"I'm guessing this is this movie's version of "You talkin' to me?". Great job, movie. You just gave us another memorable De Niro line that you would see on t-shirts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady then drives over to the Bowden's house and sees Leigh to return her dog's collar. She then recognizes Cady and she doesn't take to kindly to psychopaths at her home and she wants him to leave before she calls the cops.
Max Cady: I'm not doin' nothin'. I'm just givin' you back your dog collar. I'm not on your property.
Leigh Bowden: What'd you come out here for? You want to look around? Go ahead, Mr. Cady, take a good look.
Max Cady: Nice house.
Leigh Bowden: Yeah, it is a nice house. You satisfied now? You seen it? Or is there more, huh? Is that it? Oh, there is gonna be more, isn't there, Mr. Cady? Huh? You won't stop until you're happy.
"Well, of course there's more, lady. You gotta be in another remake with this guy a year later after this movie." Sean said as the poster for the 1992 remake of Night and the City is shown.
Leigh Bowden: I wanted to know what you looked like. I've been waitin' to see your face. But, you know, now that I see you, you are just repulsive.
Max Cady: I understand.
Leigh Bowden: Yeah.
Max Cady: I'm not your type.
Leigh Bowden: No.
"Her type is big, hairy apes." Sean said, referring to the movie King Kong, the 1976 version.
Danielle Bowden: Mom! Someone's on the phone.
Leigh Bowden: Danny, don't come out here!
(Cady sees Danny)
Sean: (V/O as Cady) Helllooooo, Nurse!
(Danny heads back inside the house)
Sean: (Narrating) Kersek visits Sam at his job to tell him that Cady spotted him and he tells him that the only way to resolve the is for him to hire a couple of guys to rough up Cady to get him off of his back, a little hospital job that he likes to call it.
Claude Kersek: Sam, he won't be so scary after that.
Sam Bowden: I'm a lawyer, right? Are we agreed that I'm a lawyer? Yeah, maybe 2,000 years ago, we'd have taken this guy out and stoned him to death. I can't operate outside the law. The law's my business.
"Don't worry, Sam. Only Mitchell can operate outside the law. Why do you think he left the police force? He's a loose cannon." Sean said as his phone starts ringing before he answers it. "Hello?"
"Mr. Archer?" Brian, playing the private investigator, said.
"Yeah." Sean said.
"I've found Mr. Nostalgia Critic. I've tracked him down to Chandler's Burger Bistro. Now, don't you fret. When I'm through with this guy, he won't set foot in this town ever again. I can be very, very persuasive." Brian/Private Investigator said while he reloads his gun.
(The scene cuts to Chandler's Burger Bistro, where we see the Nostalgia Critic eating the Pub Platter while Brian/Private Investigator is sitting with him at his table)
"C'mon! Leave town! You're getting on my client's nerves! Just get out of Cincinnati and go back to Chicago. Please!" Brian/Private Investigator whined.
"No." The Nostalgia Critic said.
"Okay, how about this. I'll be your friend. How's that?" Brian/Private Investigator said.
"Let me think. How about no." The Nostalgia critic said.
"Aw, you're so mean!" Brian/Private Investigator whined some more.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Danielle gets a phone call from Cady, who is posing as her new drama teacher. Also, I love the part where he is hanging upside and then the camera flips around , which makes it look comical while playing some Aretha Franklin. Plus, I couldn't help but laugh at this scene, I couldn't take it seriously. Anyway, Danielle heads to school and goes to her drama class, only to find Cady standing on the stage waiting for her. And tell me this doesn't give you the creeps when you see a guy sitting in the doorway of a candy house.
Danielle Bowden: You can't smoke grass in school.
Max Cady: Privilege of the profession. Eases inhibitions. You down here for drama?
Danielle: Yeah. Are you the, um, drama teacher?
"Get out. Get out now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this movie is doing a really good job at creeping us out. When I first watched this movie on TBS when I was a kid, I was legit creeped out by this scene. There's no telling what he's going to do to that poor girl.
"And speaking of creeped out, here's something that'll really creep you out." Sean said.
Danielle Bowden: Wait a second. Um, where are you from?
Max Cady: Where am I from?
Danielle Bowden: Yeah.
Max Cady: Where do you think I'm from?
Danielle Bowden: I don't know, but- -
Max Cady: If I told you, you gonna get mad at me?
Danielle Bowden: No.
Max Cady: I'm from the Black Forest.
"Get out of there now!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Danielle then recognizes Cady, but he came here to meet her and see what she's like. Yeah, where's Chris Hansen when you need him? And things get pretty creepy and I mean pretty creepy.
Max Cady: Do you mind if I put my arm around you?
Danielle Bowden: Um… um…
Max Cady: It's ok.
Danielle Bowden: (Shyly) No, I don't mind.
Max Cady: Okay.
(Max approaches Danielle, he lightly strokes her face and moves his thumb down to her mouth. He then sticks his thumb in her mouth and she starts to suck it)
"Admit it, fellas. You all wanted Juliette Lewis to suck on your thumb after you saw the movie. Raise your hands if you all agree with me." Sean said as he raised his hand.
(We then cut to Brian and the Nostalgia Critic raising their hands, then Chad and Dexter raised their hands as well, followed by Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek and we then cut to Lucas as he raised his hand as well)
"You bet your ass." Lucas said with a smirk on his face.
"I would love for Juliette Lewis to suck my thumb, all day and all night." Sean said.
(Cut to a clip from I Love the 90s Part Deux)
Juliette Lewis: Well, good! Join the prison population who feels the same way! They want to put their fingers in my mouth too. Leave me alone!
(Cady leans in and kisses Danielle on the lips, then walks away)
"If this movie took place in New York." Sean said as the "Dun Dun" sound effect from Law & Order plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam learns about Cady approaching Danny and kisses her, he calls Kersek about hiring those three guys to beat up Cady. Also, who drinks Jim Bean mixed with Pepto Bismol? Yuck! Sam then confronts Cady at a restaurant and threatens him.
Sam Bowden: If you don't leave- - If you don't leave my family alone and if you don't get out of here, you're gonna be hurtin' like you never dreamed.
Max Cady: Could you repeat that?
Sam Bowden: I said if you don't get out of here, you're gonna be hurtin' like you never dreamed.
Max Cady: A threat?
Sam Bowden: Yeah. You bet your ass it's a threat.
"Yeah, real smart idea to be threatening a psychopath. Who knows? Maybe he might be recording your little threat that you just made to him. I'm sure he won't be using it as evidence in the courtroom." Sean said.
Max Cady: Still think you're better than me?
Sam Bowden: No, I don't think I'm better than you. That's not the goddamn point.
Max Cady: Good. 'Cause if you're not better than me, then I can have what you have.
Sam Bowden: And what do I have?
"A buddy-cop comedy with Eddie Murphy. That's what you have." Sean said.
Max Cady: A wife. A daughter. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of commitment. Fourteen years ago, I was forced to make a commitment to an eight-by-nine cell. And now you're gonna be forced to make a commitment. You could say I'm here to save you.
"Please, Nick Nolte is beyond saving. Just take a look at his mugshot. Does that look like a man that needs saving?" Sean said as Nick Nolte's infamous mugshot is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam returns home to lock up the house and check on his daughter to see if she's alright.
Danielle Bowden: This isn't gonna work, you know.
Sam Bowden: What isn't gonna work?
Danielle Bowden: Locking us in, hiding us from the world.
Sam Bowden: Oh, don't be so dramatic, Danny.
Danielle Bowden: Making me stay out of school.
"And immediately, Juliette Lewis is looking insanely hot in just a tank top and panties. But then again, this is an 18-year-old playing a 15-year-old. So, I'm not gonna go there. No way, no how, forget it. Not gonna go there." Sean said.
Danielle Bowden: Dad, he didn't force himself on me, you know? I know you'd like to think that he did. But I think he was- - I think he was just trying to make a connection with me. You know?
Sam Bowden: Now, Danny, I want you to listen to me. All right? No. You understand? No. There will never be any connection between you and Max Cady.
"Besides, the only person that Mallory should be making a connection with is with Mickey Knox. That dude's a bigger psychopath than Max Cady." Sean said.
(Danielle smiles a bit and tries to hide it)
Sam Bowden: Did he touch you?
Danielle Bowden: (Laughs) What?
Sam Bowden: What are you laughing about? Why are you smiling? I'm asking you a question. Did he touch you?
(Danny smiles, then Sam grabs her by her face, scaring her)
Sam Bowden: Danny, wipe that smile off your face! I'm asking you did. Did he touch you?! Come on. (Calms down) Oh, now- - Wait, Danny. I'm sorry.
Danielle Bowden: No.
Sam Bowden: No, I'm sorry. Wait, honey. I'm sorry.
Danielle Bowden: (Yells) Get out of here! Get out of here!
"And the award for Father of the Year goes to… Sam Bowden!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady heads back to his apartment, only to be confronted and beaten by three of the men Kersek hired to beat him down while Sam is hiding behind a dumpster watching this happen, until…
(Cady headbutts one of the men, breaking his nose. He then grabs the man's pipe and beats the other guy with it. He then goes after the man with the bike chain and hits him with the pipe)
"This guy starts beating the crap out of the men Kersek hired. Boy, what a bunch of wimps." Sean said.
(Cady beats one of the men with a metal pipe, Sam tries to make a run for it, but ends up knocking over some cans, getting Cady's attention. The "Alert" sound effect from Metal Gear Solid plays in the background as Cady turns his attention to the dumpster)
Max Cady: Counselor? Counselor? Is that you? Counselor? Come out, come out, wherever you are.
"No way! No fucking way am I coming out!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, let me just point out that Robert De Niro is creepy as hell in this scene when he delivers his speech.
Max Cady: "I am like God and God like me. I am as large as God! He is as small as I! He cannot above me nor I beneath him be." Silesius. Seventeenth century.
"Try watching Playing with Fire along with this scene and you'll end up creeped out." Sean said.
(A clip from Playing with Fire is shown, where we see Axe singing My Little Pony to Zoey)
Axe (Played by Tyler Mane): (Singing) My little pony, my little pony. What is friendship all about?
(Cut back to the movie)
Max Cady: "I am like God and God like me. I am as large as God! He is as small as I! He cannot above me nor I beneath him be." Silesius. Seventeenth century.
(We then cut back to Playing with Fire, where we see Will dropping a helmet to the floor in fear)
Sean: (Narrating) Cady walks away and Sam got a kiss from the Angel of Death. The next day, Sam calls Lee Heller to hire him, but apparently Max Cady hired him and Sam heads down to the hearing and what do you know, they're playing a recording of Sam threatening Max. We also see that Lee Heller, played by Gregory Peck, who's looking like the lawyer version of Colonel Harlan Sanders. Again, it's nice to see a movie that has the actors from the original film cameo in this one.
"Not bad for Peck's last film role." Sean said.
Lee Heller (Played by Gregory Peck): You need only glance at my client to know that Mr. Bowden made good on his… heinous and cowardly threat. Just as God arose to judgment to save all the meek of the earth, I hope and pray you will do the same, sir.
Sam Bowden: Your Honor, Mr. Cady wouldn't have surreptitiously taped our meeting unless he knew that he- -
(The judge stops Sam from talking)
Judge (Played by Martin Balsam): This court does not condone feuds, vendettas or vigilantism. Let me quote our great Negro educator, Mr. Booker T. Washington. "I will let no man drag me down so low… as to make me hate him."
Lee Heller: Yes.
"And you also got Martin Balsam in the movie as well. And he was quoting Booker T. Washington. Just be glad that he wasn't quoting Bart Simpson." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The judge places a restraining order on Sam and Heller petitions to have him disbarred for his actions. Having enough of Max's foolishness, Sam goes to Kersek to get a gun for protection. But here's the problem: if Kersek gives Sam a gun and he uses it on Cady, he's gonna get fifteen years to life.
Sam Bowden: Oh, Jesus. It's all fucked up, Kersek! I mean, the law considers me more of a loose cannon than Max Cady! Some big-shit attorney's whipped the A.B.A.'s ethics committee into a frenzy. There's an emergency session in Raleigh over the assault.
Claude Kersek: How'd they link that to you?
Sam Bowden: I went to warn Cady. I thought it was the decent thing to do. Maybe I'd scare him. He was wired.
Claude Kersek: Goddamn fools.
"Yeah, how dare they take Max Cady's side? And how was he supposed to know that Cady was wearing a wire?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Since Sam's gonna be out of town, Kersek and Sam fake his departure to make it look like he's left town and they wait for him to break into the house so he could shoot him in self-defense.
Danielle Bowden: What if we don't wanna see?
Sam Bowden: Danny!
Danielle Bowden: What? Maybe he poisoned the dog.
Sam Bowden: (Gets up) Goddamn it, Danny!
Claude Kersek: Sam, watch out for the windows!
(Sam immediately ducks down)
Danielle Bowden: You're not allowed to stand up, Dad. Remember?
(Danielle heads to her room)
(A clip from Days of Our Lives is shown)
Sophia Choi (Played by Madelyn Kientz): Sheesh. What a bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Kersek sets a trap for Cady by tying a monofilament line around the doors, the windows and around Danny's teddy bear, letting them know if Cady is in the house. As they wait for Cady to show up and after some more waiting, the Holy Ghost shows up.
(Danny's teddy bear moves as Kersek sees this)
Sean: (V/O as Danny's teddy bear) Help me! Help meeeee!
(Kersek makes his way over to the bear and sees that it's the wind blowing on the windows)
"Eh, it's probably the wind." Sean said.
(Sam wakes up and sees Cady standing in his room. He takes a second look and sees that he's gone and he wakes Leigh up)
Leigh Bowden: What? What?
Sam Bowden: I know how the dog died.
Leigh Bowden: Sam, are you dreaming?
Sam Bowden: No. No. I just had the weirdest feeling he was already in the house.
"How did he manage to make his way inside the house, I'm not sure how." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kersek checks around the house, but ends up bumping into Graciela and all that waiting makes Kersek a thirsty guy.
(Kersek pours himself some Jim Bean whiskey and mixes it with Pepto Bismol)
Claude Kersek: You know, my pop was a cop. Twenty years. This was his favorite drink when he was on stakeout.
(Suddenly, we see Cady, who is donning Graciela's clothes, ambushes Kersek by garroting him with a piano wire, then he gets shot in the head during the struggle as blood splatters all over Cady. Sam and Leigh are awoken by the sound of gunfire)
Max Cady: I learnt that in prison. You like? You white-trash piece of shit. (Chuckles)
"Jesus Christ! Yeah, this dude makes Agent 47 from Hitman look like a pussy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam and Leigh come across Kersek and Graciela's dead bodies and he finds the piano wire that was wrapped around Kersek.
Sam Bowden: (Picks up the piano wire) It's the piano wire.
(Sam slips and falls in the giant pool of blood that surrounds Kersek's corpse)
Leigh Bowden: Sam!
(Leigh falls on top of Sam while she tries to help him up)
"Suddenly, it turns into a Benny Hill sketch." Sean said.
(The Benny Hill Theme plays in the background as we see Sam slipping and falling in the pool of blood while Leigh tries to help him up. The scene is edited like a Benny Hill sketch. Sam picks up Kersek's gun, then runs out of the house and starts shooting wildly)
Sean: (Narrating) After that plan backfired, the Bowdens flee to their houseboat after leaving a crime scene. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a hell of a mess.
Leigh Bowden: What did he say?
Sam Bowden: He said we're fugitives.
Danielle Bowden: What does that mean?
Sam Bowden: It means we're doing something right.
(The camera pans down and we see that Cady has strapped himself to the car's undercarriage)
"You know, the ride isn't going to be so easy for Max. He's gonna be dealing with speed bumps, scolding hot coffee that Sam'll probably throw over to the side of the car. And that's not the worst part. The worst part is that they're gonna drive through that cactus patch. Ouch." Sean said.
"Hey, Archer! Archer!" The Nostalgia Critic called out as Sean runs over to his window to see him coming out from underneath his Ford Explorer.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me here." Sean said.
"And now, I am going to…" The Nostalgia Critic said, until he is interrupted by something that hits him in the face. He looks down and sees that Sean has left a bunch of rakes lying around as a little trap. He steps on several rakes with his feet. The bone-crunching smash of the rake handle flying into his face makes him grumble.
"Well, that worked. Let's continue on with the review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sam and his family make it onto their houseboat and they start sailing on the Cape Fear River after Cady tracks him down. Sam and his family are having a nice meal on the houseboat and it starts raining, so Sam checks out the anchor to see if everything's fine.
(Cady puts Sam in a sleeper hold, knocking him out unconscious)
Sean: (Narrating) I do love that the fact that Leigh and Danny are not paying any attention to what's going on outside while Cady knocks Sam out.
(A thumping sound is heard, but Leigh and Danny ignores it. The scene is followed by a clip from JonTron)
JonTron: Nah, it's probably nothing!
Sean: (Narrating) Cady takes Kersek's gun and cuts the anchor and he surprises Leigh and Danny. Also, love how creepy this scene gets right here because this whole climax is intense.
Max Cady: Were you a good girl?
Danielle Bowden: I was. I knew you'd follow me here.
Max Cady: You know me pretty well, don't you, darlin'?
Danielle Bowden: Yeah, I do.
Max Cady: You gonna get to know me a lot better too.
(Danielle grabs the pot of boiling water at Cady, which doesn't affect him since he has a high tolerance to pain)
Max Cady: Are you offering me somethin' hot?
"Be careful, that dude is into that kind of stuff." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady scares Leigh and Danny by burning his hand with a flare, then locks her in the hold and tries to rape Leigh in front of her while she watches and while Sam sees this from outside. So, he drags Sam from outside and brings in Danny while he beats Sam and Leigh tries to reason with him.
Leigh Bowden: Listen to me, Max. Listen to me. You know, Max, since all this started, I've thought about you all the time. I've tried to imagine what it must have been like for you, all those years locked up in jail. I've tried to imagine you, and even your crimes, and how you must have felt in those moments that you did them. You see, I know about loss, Max. I know about losing time, even losing years. And I know it doesn't compare to jail, but… I- - I can understand… and I could share this with you. Because of that, whatever it is that you've got… planned, I want you to do it just with me, not with her. Because… we have this connection.
(Cady looks over at Danny, then Leigh and turns his attention to Sam)
Max Cady: What do you think, counselor?
(Cady kicks Sam in the face)
"Yeah, I think he would be okay with that. Just make him a cuckold when you bang his wife." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady lights up a cigar and Danny turns him into the Human Torch by spraying him with lighter fluid. Sam gets control of the boat until he notices that the anchor has been cut and a badly burned Cady pops up to hold a mock trial all while a violent thunderstorm is going on. And again, I just love how intense the climax is. Plus, I just love De Niro in this scene. I tend to crack up a bit when he breaks the fourth wall.
(Cady hits Sam in the face)
Max Cady: (Breaks the fourth wall) I'm sorry, Your Honor. I agree. That was argumentative. (To Sam) An investigator did prepare a prior sexual history on the alleged victim. True? (Breaks the fourth wall once more) I can ask leading questions, Your Honor. He is a hostile witness.
"It feels like a dark, psychotic version of a Looney Tunes short." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Cady gets Sam to confess that he buried the report and he scolds him for failing his duty as a lawyer, and before he sentences him to the ninth circle of Hell, the violent storm rocks the boat, knocking everyone around. Leigh and Danny jump off the boat and swim to shore, Sam is left behind to deal with Cady.
(The fight music from Star Trek plays as we see Cady and Sam fighting. Then, Sam handcuffs Cady to the boat. Cady points Kersek's gun at Sam. Sam moves away as Cady shoots at him. He then shoots out a window and the gun flies out of his hand)
"Oh, you idiot! You managed to lose the gun. Now, how are you going to kill him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The boat hits a rock and it gets destroyed in which Sam and Cady end up on shore to duke it out with rocks.
(Sam hits Cady in the face with a rock)
Max Cady: (Laughs) Forget about that restrainin' order, counselor? You're well within 500 yards!
(Sam hits Cady with a rock once more. Cady laughs and picks up a rock)
Max Cady: Well, here we are, counselor. Just two lawyers workin' it out!
(Cady hits Sam in the face with a rock and throws it at his head)
"Killer Croc would be proud at that throw." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They continue to beat each other up for a bit until Sam gets ready to deliver the finishing blow on Cady by crushing a big rock on his head, but he misses as the tide carries Cady away while he speaks in Pentecostal tongues.
(Cady starts speaking in tongues)
Max Cady: (Sings) On Jordan's stormy banks I stand. Oh, who will come with me? I'm bound for the promised land, I- - I'm bound for the promis- - (Gurgles) Land, I am! I'm bound for the promised land!
(Sam and Cady are both glaring at each other before Cady drowns)
Sean: (Narrating) The nightmare is over and Max Cady is dead. Sam joins Leigh and Danny and their lives will never be the same as the movie ends with Danny narrating.
Danielle Bowden: (Narrating) We never spoke about what happened. At least, not to each other. Fear, I suppose, that to remember his name, or what he did, would mean letting him into our dreams. And me, I hardly dream about him anymore. Still, things won't ever be the way they were before he came. But that's all right. Because if you hang on to the past, you die a little every day. And for myself, I know I'd rather live. The end.
(The movie ends with a shot of Danny's eyes as the screen goes from negative to blood red)
"And that was the best remake from Scorsese ever made and when I go back and watch it again, it still scares the shit out of me." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? It's a perfectly crafted thriller. The movie has some intense moments. The setting, the writing, the acting, the directing is all great. This movie felt like a Hitchcock thriller and also a Brian De Palma thriller. Hell, it feels like a thriller that De Palma would direct. The movie was a commercial success and it received positive reviews from critics. This is the perfect remake to watch and I recommend it. Cape Fear comes in at 5 tattoos out of 5.
"Well, that's all for my review. Now, I'm gonna get me a slice of pie. In fact, here's Taylor. Hey, babe. Could you get me a slice of apple pie with some whip cream on top?" Sean asked.
Suddenly, the Nostalgia Critic turns around, wearing Taylor's clothes.
"What the? Alright, let's go, man! Let's do this!" Sean exclaimed.
"Oh, Sean. You think that a bunch of rakes are going to stop me?" The Nostalgia Critic asked.
"Alright, what is it? Do you want to kill me? Go ahead, kill me! Do it!" Sean yelled out.
"I'm not going to kill you. I just want one thing… to do a review with you." The Nostalgia Critic said.
"A review? If it's what it takes for you to get off of my back, then what do you want to review with me?" Sean asked.
A sinister grin appears on the Nostalgia Critic's face as the scene cuts to black.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You threatenin' me? You threatenin' me?
And that's all for the review of Cape Fear for The Mayhem Critic and I hope that you all enjoyed that little parody of the movie and The Simpsons episode. And because of this movie, I feel like watching that episode of The Simpsons right now. LOL. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Halloween Havoc VII continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic teams up with the Nostalgia Critic when they take at look at the 1985 horror-comedy Fright Night. Is it one of the best vampire movies of all time? Then after the review of Fright Night, it's Stephen King's Silver Bullet. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.