What Could Have Been
Chapter Fifteen: "My selfish dark side..."
"Oh, Cordelia, why can't you get him a nice pet that doesn't have any fur? Like a fish or a bird-"
"I'm never getting him another pet again." Cordelia rasped, "I'm scared that if I get him another pet, he'll do something horrible to it. I'm scared that he'll hurt it or kill it-"
"Oh, Cordelia, Fred would never do such a thing! He loves animals! The poor dear wouldn't hurt a fly-"
"You saw what he did to that hamster! He's dangerous!"
Muriel gasped.
"Cordelia! How could you say that? He's your own son-"
"Wake up, Muriel!" Cordelia hissed, "There's something wrong with him!"
"There's nothing wrong with Fred."
Fred pressed his sweater sleeve covered hands over his eyes, feeling hot tears soak into his sleeves.
"Frederick?" Came Cordelia's sharp voice from below, "I know you're on the stairs. I'm very angry that you asked Aunt Muriel to get you another pet. You are never getting another pet ever again. Ever."
Courage waved his paws in front of his face, scared that he had gone blind. He screamed as a very familiar muzzle thrust itself into his face. Red fluorescent eyes burned into his.
"Hello, Courage." The familiar velvet honeyed voice dripped from his shark fangs, "We meet again."
Courage growled, prompting an amused chuckle from the wolf.
Stifling a moan, Fred struggled to his knees, keeping his hands pressed between his legs. Courage counted seven wolves. Red fluorescent eyes. Saber toothed and shark fanged, weaving in and out of intangibility as they circled the freaky barber.
"What are you doing here?" Fred gritted out.
"You wanted to overcome the symptoms, so.."
The wolf with Crane's voice grinned.
"Here we are."
"I don't need your help!" Fred spat.
"Oh, come now, spare us the goody two shoes act. Stop pretending that you don't want our help just because Courage is here. He already hates you, so there's no point trying to make yourself look good in front of him."
"This goody two shoe attitude is getting you nowhere." Another wolf murmured, wrapping himself around the freaky barber, weaving in and out of tangibility and frost.
"And we both know you were never a goody two shoes to begin with, Fred."
Crane gave Fred an indulgent, lecherous grin.
"You're like me."
"I'm nothing like you."
Everything went dark.
Courage blinked and rubbed at his eyes. A slender, pale woman dressed in a dark knee length dress emerged from a bathroom, rubbing at her throat. Her short blonde hair stuck out in all directions.
"Are you alright?"
Courage started at the freaky barber's deep voice.
"My throat just feels a little sore."
"Forgive me." The freaky barber rumbled, "I should've been more careful."
Courage tried turning his head, unable to look away from Fred's clasped hands which were resting on the freaky barber's knees. Courage started again as the woman plopped next to him on the bed with a girlish giggle. Courage strained to move away from her, unable to look away from the freaky barber's hands.
Fred cleared his throat.
"That was very...ungentlemanly of me."
Courage tried to pull away as the woman leaned close to whisper against his ear.
"I really needed that, Fred."
Courage fervently hoped nothing weird would happen. But then again, they both were fully clothed and Fred seemed more interested in looking at his hands than the woman sitting next to him. He took that as a good sign.
The woman gently prodded the back of Fred's hand with an opened pack of cigarettes.
"I don't smoke."
"Health nut, are you?" The woman gave another girlish giggle, "You don't drink. You don't smoke..."
"I prefer to keep my wits about me at all times, especially now that I'm rehabilitated."
"I guess that's smart." She pressed closer to him, "Actually, Fred, I was wondering if you were planning on sticking around town at all. 'Cause if you are, I'd really like to do this again sometime, if you're up for it-"
She placed a hand on his thigh.
Fred flinched, cutting short a sharp intake of breath.
The woman pulled her hand away and suddenly Courage was able to look at her. Her dark green eyes, more darkness than green, held a softness that didn't match her wry, nasal tone.
"Are you alright?"
"That's private." Fred spat through gritted teeth.
He met Courage's eyes, shaking, cheeks tinging red.
"That's my privacy-"
The wolf shoved his snout into the freaky barber's face.
"That is the real you."
Honey dripped from the wolf's sneer.
"You're an animal. A filthy, grunting, panting animal-"
The wolf yelped as Fred struck him across the face.
"You have no right to show him that!" Fred snarled.
"Oh, come now," Another wolf purred, rubbing against Fred as though he were a cat, "Spare us the goody two shoes act-"
"I don't want Courage to see that!" Fred shouted, "That's my privacy!"
"And just who are you in private, Fred?" Crane purred, touching Fred's hook nose with his snout.
Again the freaky barber struck at him, his hand passing through the wolf. Courage flinched as droplets of frost and mist struck him.
It suddenly occured to Courage that Fred never made to stand up. The freaky barber stayed on the floor, crawling on his hands and knees, keeping his head at eye level with the wolves circling him.
"You're a wolf. A motherfucker."
Courage flinched in disgust.
"Well..."
Crane gave a hearty, lustful chuckle.
"Maybe not quite as much of a motherfucker as Albert."
He saw Albert standing in a very dark room.
A woman sat very close to him, kneeling on the ground.
It took Courage a moment to comprehend what he was looking at, embarrassment spiking his stomach as he realized what was happening.
He couldn't turn his head away because Fred hadn't turned his head away.
Albert grunted out a swear word, gripping the woman's very familiar brown hair, Courage's mind already fitting pieces together that he didn't want to put together.
Cordelia's very familiar face glowed pale in the dim light, tears streaking her ashen cheeks. Her dark eyes meeting Courage's felt like a gut punch.
Albert gritted out another swear word.
Gripping Cordelia's hair, he eased himself out of her mouth.
The lower half of his body horrified Courage.
He panicked as the man strode over to him.
Fred had covered his face with his hands. Courage squeezed his eyes shut, covering his own head, waiting for Albert to hit him. Relief flooded through his limbs as he heard the door shut and the lock clicked.
Then he started as someone put their arms around him and he found himself looking into the face of a girl with large, soft, dark green eyes.
Courage ripped open his eyes, gasping as though he broke through the surface of a body of water he had been submerged in for hours. His pounding heart made him nauseous.
He saw Fred pinning the wolf against the floor, gripping his hands around it's neck, letting out a snarl as though he were a wolf himself.
"Choking me won't change what you saw, Little Freddy." The wolf gritted out, "It doesn't change the fact that she whored herself out to him-"
"Shut up!"
"She always called you naughty, but she was no different than Lindsey-"
"My mother was a saint!" Fred's scream a horrible, torn apart sob, "She was an angel!"
"How can you call her an angel or a saint after what you just saw?"
"If it weren't for her, you would have never known Crane." Another wolf snarled.
"She was the one who brought Crane into your life."
"She is the reason he almost killed you."
"And what was she doing the whole time?"
"She was on her knees, satisfying him the same way Lindsey satisfied you-"
Even after having lived with the freaky barber for months, and after seeing him act out of character many times, Courage's perception of Fred still always defaulted to the person who had cornered him in the bathroom and to the thing that had always remained consistent even after Fred changed.
His composure.
Fred had never lost his patience with Courage. Courage couldn't remember hearing one exasperated sigh from the freaky barber whenever he attempted to escape. When the men broke down the door, Fred didn't struggle or put up a fight as the men wrapped him in a makeshift straight jacket. He allowed the men to restrain him as though this were business as usual.
Fred had shown more restraint than anyone Courage had ever known. That was the very thing that had burned synonymous with what he had done to him in the bathroom.
Fred's composure and restraint.
And while Fred's composure had slipped many times since he had arrived, he always fought to maintain it. And because of this, Courage saw this constant effort to maintain his composure as the freaky barber's default personality, his default mode of being.
Courage clamped his paws over his ears out of sheer fright as Fred let out another long scream.
A scream that sounded nothing like himself. A scream that Courage didn't think the freaky barber could make. A scream that he didn't think any grown man or human could make.
Hands clenching, fists beating. Hair spilling into his face, his hair tie having been ripped out long ago. Arms hiding his face. His chest heaving, open mouthed sobs muffled against the floor.
Courage looked at the wolves.
The wolves stood still, their heads bowed, eyes closed, ears laid back against their skull.
He studied their faces looking for any hint of sarcasm or amusement.
Instead, they looked just as shaken and disturbed as he felt.
As though they were in the presence of a man who just watched a loved one die right before his eyes.
The helplessness in the presence of another's grief.
It didn't make any sense.
They were the same entities that tried to kill Fred.
But Fred asked them to kill him.
He asked them to kill him.
And if they were a part of his mind...
If they were a part of him...
Did they share his emotions?
Crane placed a charred hand on the freaky barber's heaving shoulders.
"You were right about your father."
No sarcasm. No malice.
"He was a good man. He isn't the reason you're this way. You aren't this way because of his genetics. Your mother and Albert were the ones who built your subconscious. She's the one who brought him into your life during your tender formative years."
Fred lifted his head, his green eyes bloodshot.
"Albert wasn't your father, but he's the one who created you."
"Shut up!"
"You act like Albert more than your father-"
"I'm nothing like him!"
"You saw what he did to your mother. Did you not do the same thing to Lindsey?"
Fred's fist struck through a vapor of mist and frost as the wolf dissapated. He grasped at his hair, a sob hissing through his clenched teeth.
"But this is a good thing, Fred." Crane said, "You don't have to be a good little boy anymore. You don't have to prove that you're a good little boy anymore."
The already pitch dark room grew darker.
The wolves turned, bristling as Enid rose from the depths of the darkness. Two wolves appeared at the freaky barber's side, hoisting him to his feet by his shoulders.
"I am the Virus."
Her naked lower body and her bare legs the only parts of her that had remained intact.
"I am your worst fear."
The rest of her held together by wires and complicated robotic machinery.
"You could have prevented this if you had done things safe and right."
Organic matter pulsed and machinery thrummed.
"I will give you a chance to undo what you have done."
"Fred, listen to me,"Crane placed a hand under Fred's chin, forcing him to look into his eyes, "She wanted you to omit the fact that it had been a clear sunny day when she raped you-"
"However, to ensure that you will undo what you have done-"
"She is threatening you so you will condition yourself to think according to what she approves of-"
"I will recreate the sensation of your rape."
"She wants you to write according to her influence-"
"And I will raise the sensation level to-"
Fred gave a startled grunt as Crane placed his charred hand against his pelvis.
The freaky barber's foot struck through a shower of mist and frost.
"Oh, so you can fight back?" The wolf holding him snarled.
"Don't touch me!"
"Why didn't you do this when she attacked you?" The other wolf sneered.
"If you didn't try so hard being a goody two shoes, you would have punched her in the mouth before she could do anything to you!"
"Being a goody two shoes is what got you raped in the first place!"
"You let her rape you-"
"I didn't let her!"
Courage started.
"Just don't let him shave you this time. It's as simple as that."
Fred struggled to pull away but the wolves held him fast.
"I didn't let her-"
Crane suddenly materialized in front of him.
"Fred-"
Fred pulled his arm free and struck Crane across the face.
Crane glowered at him, rubbing his jaw.
"Fred, listen to me."
"Fuck you."
"When she attacked you at the Home, your thoughts were still your own. You were still you. Your thoughts were still your own. Even though she attacked you, you were still intact."
He pointed a charred finger at Enid.
"She is trying to dig her fingers into you and dictate your thoughts!"
"You wish to test me, Fred?"
"Everytime you sit down to write and you think of the word you want to write and suddenly a voice in your head tells you to not use that word. And because you fear what will happen if you decide to use that word, you try and find different words that feel safe even though they don't ring quite as true as the word you've instinctually thought of initially. She is the one writing your poetry. She is the one writing in your journal, not you. She already suceeded in making you omit the blue sky from your journal."
"It will not do to test me, Fred."
"And she's not going to stop. She's never going to stop."
Fred met Courage's gaze, his green eyes bloodshot.
Crane took hold of Fred's chin, forcing him to look at him.
"Forget about him, Fred. He will never like you. There is nothing you can do that will make him like you."
"Since you refuse to undo what you have done, I will raise the sensation level to-"
"Your mother is dead, Fred. Your mother is dead and Courage will never love you."
Courage started.
Love?
Why did he phrase it like that?
Unless...
"You don't have to hold anything back anymore. If she wants to play dirty, it's time to get dirty-"
"And I won't stop until you undo what you have done-"
"Be the wolf-"
Bright light filled the room.
Somehow it wasn't as bright as before.
Courage saw Fred and the wolves disintegrate, their particles dark against the ultra white light...
He didn't feel any pain
only the faint throbbing in his crotch
the light disapeared from behind his clenched eyelids
he kept his eyes squeezed shut
he kept still
legs pressed together
paws over his crotch
waiting for the throbbing in his crotch to subside
it still hurt
enough
to overwrite the urge to protect her
part of him panicked, attempting to overwrite this new foothold in his body, feeling the consequences of what would happen to Muriel in the near future
realizing
he wanted to overwrite his guilt
he wanted to maintain his new foothold
suddenly wanting this foothold more than anything in this world
anything
even...
"Courage!"
Computer.
Muriel's familiar arms.
Computer's particular strength.
The particular way he held him.
"Come on, buddy! Speak to me!"
Courage pushed his eyelids open with all his might, letting out a moan as he immediately lost the strength to keep them open.
"Oh, thank goodness. For a second there, I thought you were a goner."
"Courage, this is your last chance. Computer, let Courage erase what he has written in his documents. If you erase it yourself, it won't undo it. Courage is the one who typed it. Only he can erase the future."
Muriel saw how naked he had been.
She saw that Fred had shaved him between his legs.
She knew and she said nothing.
She said.
"What a lovely visit."
"If he doesn't undo this, I will kill the woman you are using as a host body and you will die. Courage, if you do not undo what you have done, I will kill her."
He actually tried to save Fred.
He comforted him.
Reassured him.
He actually hugged Fred.
Held onto him for dear life.
He slept on Fred's thigh.
Sleeping on his thigh.
After what he did to him.
Felt more violating.
Than what Fred had done to him.
It felt...
"You know what? That sounds dandy." Computer said, a faint tremor in his otherwise light hearted tone, "Come on, Courage, buddy, old pal, let's get out of here. I think I've had enough weirdness for one day-"
"I'm not going to erase it."
Computer tensed.
"Courage?"
"I'm not going to erase it."
He whored himself out.
Whored out his boundaries and personal space.
To Fred.
For Muriel's sake.
Courage looked at Enid.
"I'm going to keep that word in my memoir. In fact, when I publish my memoir, I'm going to keep that word exactly where it it and exactly how it's spelled."
"And what of your owner?"
He raped him.
He raped him and she didn't care.
She didn't care.
"Do whatever you want to her. I don't care anymore."
He protected him.
He protected him for her.
"Uh, Courage? What are you doing? I'm still in this body, in case you forgot-"
"And what of your parents in outer space?"
Courage couldn't help but smirk.
He already knew where this was going.
"What about them?"
"Do you care what will happen to your parents if you don't undo what you have done?"
"They're most likely already dead. And even if they aren't, I doubt I'll ever see them again."
Bright light filled the room. This time he didn't need to close his eyes.
"I'm going to publish that word in my memoir." Courage said as the light faded, "And I'm going to keep it in the same exact spot I typed it."
"Then Muriel will die."
Courage looked into Enid's eyeless, robotic face.
"If the meteor hits the earth, Muriel's going to die anyway. And even if the meteor doesn't hit the Earth, if anything bad happened to her, I have friends who can help me. And if anything happened to them, I can take care of myself. I've proven that I can take care of myself many times. I'm strong enough-"
It suddenly occured to him how much smaller Enid looked.
He felt his tail wag, realizing what this meant. He tried to still his tail out of a sense of preservation, as though something bad would happen if she knew why his tail was wagging.
"It doesn't have to be this way, Courage."
There was a hint of exasperation in Enid's voice.
"You can prevent this.."
Maybe even...
A plea?
"Just undo what you have done and then everything will feel safe."
He thought of Muriel
he felt Enid's fingernails digging into his own brain
writing Muriel's death across his stomach
his published memoir a save button
fixing the future
Muriel's death ingrained into the future
if he were to publish his memoir in it's current state
his documents already infected and unusable
publishing the memoir in it's current infected, unusable state
fixed Muriel's death into his stomach
unable to dig out the future
like the splinters in the wall
the thought of erasing his memoir or editing it under the fear of this future
prompting a reluctance
and even this reluctance felt infected
the urge to protect his work felt infected with splinters
sticking into his stomach
if Muriel ever found out he killed her
because he refused to undo what he had done...
He wavered.
A sudden canine snarl startled Courage, his heart almost stopping as a a wolf hurtled from the darkness and, with a frightening snarling growl, pounced onto Enid.
Enid let out a scream, a scream more human and feminine than mechanical, and she grabbed clumsily at the wolf's snapping jaws, shrieking as the wolf bit at her fingers, forcing her to the ground. Courage covered his eyes as the wolf lunged at her face.
The wet, gnawing, mouth filled snarls stifled Enid's panicked shrieks. Blood draining nausea churned Courage's stomach and he covered his nose as the wolf's familiar body odor filled his nostrals.
A body odor that none of the other wolves had.
Which meant...
Courage peeked from behind his paws.
Enid had vanished. Dandelion fluff particles floated around the quavering, hunched over wolf before winking into nothingness.
A deep, familiar chuckle rumbled in the wolf's throat before he burst into laughter. His grinning, teeth clenched laughter turning to gasping, frothing hyperventilation before letting out a scream.
A wailing, sobbing scream that ended in a maniacal, demonic cackle of laughter.
Courage kept his eyes closed even though he knew he was awake. His body ached. That particular spot on his body still hurt.
It made sense, he told himself, that's the most sensitive part of the body, of course it's going to hurt more.
He laid there, trying to trick himself into believing it had all been a dream, wanting more than anything for everything to have been a dream. He was all too aware of someone warm sitting close to him. He wanted to believe it was Muriel. He wanted to believe Muriel was sitting there and that everything had been a dream.
Then he heard Computer softly clear his throat, as though he were trying not to wake Courage.
Courage's heart sank. He couldn't pretend anymore.
Without opening his eyes he muttered, "What time is it?"
"You slept through the whole day." Computer's usually wry tone soft and uncertain, "I figured it was best that I let you sleep."
Courage turned his head to look at him, still too sore to sit up.
Muriel's familiar face, her familiar arms folded over her chest, still dressed in Computer's blue outfit, her legs resting on the bed, still wearing his boots. The pillows, headboard and the bedside table lamp tinged with his soft neon blue aura.
"So, that really happened." Courage said, no emotion in his voice.
"Yeah," Computer paused, "That was..."
Another pause.
"That was something."
Courage rested his chin on his paws, too tired to keep his eyes open, too awake to fall back asleep.
"Where's Fred?"
"Last time I saw him, he was still up in the attic. I haven't seen him since I brought you down here. You were my first priority."
Were this any other situation, this would have made Courage smile and he would have been more than happy to tease his friend for saying something like that.
"This is your fault." He muttered, no anger, no heart, "If you hadn't talked about all that virus stuff, none of this would have happened."
"Whoa, whoa!" Computer held up Muriel's hands, "You're blaming me for what happened?"
"I told you he can make things real with his mind."
"How was I supposed to know this would happen? And besides, if that freak can make things real with his mind, then anyone can say anything to him and he can make it happen! He's the one who did this, not me!"
Courage sighed.
"Sorry. Where were you anyway? What happened to you after the virus showed up?"
He decided it saved on breath and words to just keep calling Enid the virus, especially since the freaky barber's thoughts had recreated the logic of the virus that Computer had established. If the virus ever were to manifest itself as an entity, Courage doubted that it would act any different than how Enid had acted.
"I don't know. I remember the virus lady showing up and then..."
He paused.
"It was like I was in a dream or watching a movie but I wasn't in control-"
"You saw Fred's memories." Courage muttered, "You saw his memories from his perspective."
"Is that what they were? Well, that explains why everyone kept calling me Fred."
"I saw his memories the night I followed him." Courage sighed, "And they were always from his perspective."
"Well, duh, that's how memories work, you twit."
There was an awkward pause, most of the awkward tension emanating from Computer. Courage felt too tired and too defeated to feel any awkwardness.
"I find it interesting that he had a Scottish accent when he was a kid." Computer said, "And a rather thick one at that. I barely understood him half the time he talked. I'm curious to know why he decided to start talking in that hoity toity Transatlantic accent of his."
"Who cares."
Another long, awkward pause.
"So, uh..." Computer paused, "You said a lot of..."
Again, he paused.
"...Interesting things back there."
Computer paused as though waiting for him to say something. Courage just waited for him to clarify.
"Did someone swap out your brain or put you under mind control? What the heck happened back there?"
With effort, Courage struggled to sit up.
"I think-"
Ears drooped, limp against his face. His tail a dead weight.
"At this point, I don't really care if you let Muriel go or if you stay like this."
He closed his eyes.
"If Muriel wants to live her happy life with him, let her. I'm done with this. It makes no difference if you stay this way or not. I'm leaving this place and you're welcome to come with me. What's the point of living here? Muriel obviously wants him to live here. Let her. She can be happy with him. I can't be happy here. I can't live here - not while he's here. And he makes her happy so - let them stay here and live their happy life. I can't live here - not with him - not while she-"
His heart weighed heavy on the matchwood table inside of his chest, heavier than it had ever felt before.
"This is no longer my home. It can't be my home - not while he's here."
Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes.
"I won't leave without saying goodbye and I will find a way to transport you if you decide to come with me..."
Squeezing his eyes shut, Courage curled himself into a ball, suddenly feeling cold. The only part of him that didn't ache was his tail.
Courage started violently as Computer touched his back. He jumped to his feet and let out a growl.
"Relax, Dog, I'm just covering you up." Computer said, holding up the edge of the comforters.
"Don't-don't touch me." Courage stammered, "I don't want to be touched right now."
"Alright, alright, I won't touch you. Sheesh." His attempt to sound offended fell flat, "Do you...do you want me to stay here with you?"
Courage paused to think.
"I think I want to be alone right now."
There was a pause.
"Fine then." Computer said as though he were trying to sound as though he didn't care.
Courage slumped against the bed, suddenly too exhausted to keep his eyes open. He felt Computer standing in the doorway.
"The reason I thought we were in a simulation is because the meteor had been disapearing on and off since last summer."
Courage turned to look at Computer, still too exhausted to lift his head. His tail and ears lay limp against the bed as though they were dead.
"I thought that there was no way that a meteor could disapear repeatedly unless it was a glitch in the system. That's what tipped me off that we might be inside of a simulation."
Courage could hear Computer wringing Muriel's hands. The awakwardness enamated from his friend as though it were something tangible as heat.
"I wasn't trying to freak you out on purpose. And-"
Again, Computer paused.
"I didn't intend for any of this to happen."
Courage sighed.
"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore."
There was another long pause.
"You sure...you don't want me to stay with you?"
"I just want to sleep, Computer."
"Alright. Sweet dreams, Dog."
With that, Computer closed the bedroom door.
Courage curled into a tighter ball. He felt for the comforters, pulling the still very Muriel smelling comforters around him. The smell, once a comfort, filled him with an end of the world dread. The end of the world was supposedly happening and this felt worse.
The future felt infected because that word was still saved in his documents. The possibility that he was going to publish that word in his memoir, and the stabbing, splinter filled possibility that publishing that word in his memoir might kill Muriel, made him not want to publish his memoir at all, with or without that word. His memoir felt too infected and unusable at this point. As long as he told himself that he wouldn't publish his memoir, the future didn't feel infected.
He curled into a ball, wrapping himself in the comforters, trying to warm himself with his own body heat. His limbs and toes felt like ice.
The foothold that he had gained inside his body had completely vanished. He didn't have the strength to fight his thoughts.
He didn't want to do anything anymore.
It felt safer to not do anything.
He just wanted to sleep.
He wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again.
"My selfish dark side
Has come to turn the tide
And turn my thoughts away from suicide
Oh, how I've missed being...Naughty."