Liv allowed herself to cry privately for a few minutes, letting the fear and panic she had been battling take over. She then took a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling, wiping tears from her eyes and stifling a sob, before forcing herself to focus. She hated being vulnerable around other people, and she needed to think.
The news of her pregnancy had come as a complete shock, and it was utterly overwhelming. She had thought she was approaching menopause, not her second round at motherhood. Three decades of lovers and long term boyfriends had never led to a single pregnancy, and yet one night of intimacy with Barba had resulted in her carrying his child. The pregnancy and its circumstances felt so improbable and unlikely, and yet the black and white image to her right was a tangible reminder that it was not. She and Barba – Rafa – had slept together after an emotionally fraught exchange, and that night had resulted in this pregnancy. Liv felt tears form in her eyes as she stared at the ultrasound image, her disbelief quickly descending into panic as the gravity of the situation hit her with full force. The only thing that was more overwhelming than the prospect of being pregnant was the idea of telling Rafa. Everything between them was so complicated, they had hurt each other and communicated terribly. Their relationship was fragile but they were working to repair it, and this made a difficult situation so much more complicated, almost impossibly so. She couldn't even begin to fathom how to tell him, and how he might react. He was a decent man, an honourable man, and in many ways that made it harder. She had no doubt that he would want to do the right thing by her and their child, out of a strong sense of duty and obligation. But she didn't want him to feel obligated, or duty-bound, or trapped, and she knew that even if he did he would never tell her. Despite all of their conversations surrounding Noah, Rafa had never disclosed whether he wanted to have children. It was a subject she sensed he was uncomfortable with and she never forced him to address it. And even if he did want children, given everything that had happened between them, she doubted he would want to have them with her.
Besides, in a few hours' time there might not be anything to tell him at all.
Liv tried to ignore the strong wave of sadness that overcame her at the prospect. She recalled the words of Dr Montague, who had indicated that whilst her condition was improving, a miscarriage was still possible. Her pregnancy was high risk, she was forty-eight years old and had sustained a serious abdominal injury which resulted in terrible pain, loss of consciousness and bleeding. The mild cramping she was currently experiencing was a reminder of her injury, and the continued threat that it posed. She remembered DiAngelo kicking her hard in the stomach, his boot striking her with such force it lifted her whole body off the ground. It didn't seem possible that an unborn baby could survive such a blow. Especially not in a pregnancy that was already high risk. Perhaps it was selfish of her to want this baby at all, and she did want it, very much, of that she was sure. But her body, despite its commendable efforts to protect it, was not infallible. And neither was she.
Liv turned her head slowly towards the bedside table and glanced down at the ultrasound image with glassy eyes. She picked it up of the table and held the corners in her hands, looking down on it with a sad smile as she took in the features she had long since committed to memory. She felt herself falter, and took in a shaky breath, before placing the image in the pocket of her blazer which was laying over the back of the chair beside her bed. She then leaned back against the pillows and drew her bedsheets up over her stomach, as she leaned back and stared tearfully at an unremarkable spot on the wall opposite her. It occurred to her that all of the things she had been worried about would be unfounded, as it was highly likely there would be no baby. Her body and circumstance seemed determined to ensure it. She found herself steeling her mind, creating an invisible barrier between herself and the concept of her pregnancy, and forcing herself to remain safely on the other side. After several minutes she let out a deep breath, before turning to the bedside table and picking up her phone, quickly scrolling through the alerts.
For the next half an hour Liv responded to work emails, called Fin and assured her she was fine, obtained an update and relayed the information to her Chief. She only put her phone down when a nurse came in to check her vitals and offer her a drink, which she declined, picking up her iPhone again before the nurse had even left the room. When Amanda returned to the room a short while later she was struck by Liv's demeanour, and an expression which she did not recognise, somewhere between shock and sadness.
"Hey, Amanda" Liv greeted, her voice numb despite her gentle smile.
"Hey" Amanda smiled back, as she gently placed her large black handbag on the bedside table. "Your laptop and tablet are in there, and I also put in chargers for them and your phone" she added helpfully. Liv nodded in understanding. "And I brought your overnight bag" she advised, revealing the black bag she was carrying over her right shoulder. All members of the squad kept one in their lockers (or, in Liv's case, office). They typically contained a few changes of clothes and toiletries. "I thought you might wanna change" she added.
"Thank you" Liv replied with sincerity. Amanda nodded slowly and perched herself on the edge of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" she asked cautiously. Liv tapped a rhythm on her phone with her thumb and shook her head.
"I'll be fine" Liv assured her, forcing a smile. "I just want to go home" she added, her voice strained with emotion. She didn't like feeling vulnerable and she hated hospitals, she had spent far too much time in them professionally and with Noah. If she was going to have a miscarriage she would rather just be at home, alone, without an audience.
"I know" Amanda replied gently. "But right now this is the best place for you to be" she added. Liv rose a doubtful eyebrow but nodded in defeat. "I'll come and pick you up at four and take you home" she added, wanting to focus Liv's attentions on leaving, which she clearly wanted to do.
"You don't have to-"
"I want to" Amanda returned, as Liv met her gaze. "Do you need us to pick up Noah from school?"
"No, thank you" Liv replied gratefully. "He has an after school drama club that finishes at five, I've asked Lucy to collect him and bring him home after" she explained. Amanda nodded slowly.
"If you want me to stay with you tonight-"
"We'll be fine, but thank you" Liv said sincerely. Amanda offered her a tight smile and nodded.
"Is there anything I can do?" Amanda asked softly. Liv swallowed hard and met her gaze.
"Make the case against DiAngelo" Liv responded. Amanda nodded slowly.
"We will" Amanda assured her. Liv smiled weakly and watched as Amanda stood up and headed towards the door.
"Amanda" Liv called, prompting the younger woman to turn towards her expectantly. "Thank you" she added sincerely. Amanda smiled softly and nodded before leaving the room.
To Liv's surprise, the next five hours passed incredibly quickly. Her work phone and laptop provided her with a much-needed distraction, and the ability to throw herself completely into her work. She made multiple phone calls to her team, her chief and the DA's office in relation to the DiAngelo case, as well as others she was working on. She typed her statement of DiAngelo's arrest and completed the necessary supporting paperwork, before going through statements she made on other cases she was due to testify on in the coming weeks.
Liv's work was interrupted only by nurses and Dr Montague, who would attend every thirty minutes to check on her. The nurses took her vitals every thirty minutes, and Dr Montague examined her intimately once an hour, before performing ultrasounds. Liv looked at the screen the first time, but as she watched the baby moving inside her she became tearful and looked away. A kindly nurse held her hand and squeezed it wordlessly, and Liv was grateful she appeared to understand. Neither of the women beside her tried to encourage her to look at the screen, and Dr Montague was gentle and almost apologetic when it came to carrying out the ones that followed.
"Everything's absolutely fine, Miss Benson" Dr Montague told her after performing the final ultrasound. "The baby's heartbeat is strong, the uterus is fine and there is no damage to the placenta or any signs of abruption" she added gently, hoping her words would reassure her, but realising they did not. "And you've not lost any more blood" she continued. Liv nodded in understanding. "How is the pain?"
"Fine" Liv responded honestly. The cramping was milder than before, which she attributed to the Tylenol. But she ached painfully where she had bruised.
"Okay" Dr Montague said gently. "I am happy to discharge you" she advised. "It's nearly four. Is there someone who can come and get you?"
"Yes, Amanda" Liv replied. Dr Montague nodded.
"Good" she smiled softly. "Try and rest as much as possible this weekend, and make an appointment with your OB on Monday" she reiterated. "And if you experience any symptoms, such as abdominal pain or bleeding, I want you to come straight back."
"I will" Liv replied. "Thank you, doctor" she added. Dr Montague talked her through the discharge paperwork, which Liv completed and signed, before offering her a small smile and leaving the room.
Liv was surprised that everything was okay so far, but refused to let herself feel hopeful. And the discomfort she was experiencing assisted her greatly in that respect.
Liv eased herself out of her bed and picked up her overnight bag, carrying it into the bathroom and locking the door behind her. She quickly changed into a pair of dark blue denim jeans and a loose-fitting white shirt, before heading back into her hospital room in search of her shoes. As she leaned down to reach for her black ankle boots the deep ache in her bruised belly increased, and she placed her hand to it instinctively, gritting her teeth as she eased herself into the chair beside her bed and slowly put on her shoes. Exhaling with relief, she then rose to her feet and began putting her chargers and laptop into her handbag. She placed the folded clothes she had worn earlier that day into her overnight bag and zipped it up, before reaching absently for her blazer and putting it on. She then placed her phone in her jacket pocket, her fingers grazing the ultrasound image as she did so. Something deep inside her ached and she swallowed thickly, blinking back tears just as Amanda knocked and entered the room.
"Hey, Liv" Amanda smiled.
"Hi" Liv returned, placing her handbag over her shoulder. "Thank you for picking me up" she added, as she reached for her overnight bag. Amanda walked briskly forwards and took it out of her hands, earning a puzzled look from Liv.
"I got it" Amanda said promptly. Liv did not have the energy to argue, and was desperate to leave the hospital. "Come on" Amanda said gently, leading her boss out of the room, despite knowing she would need no encouragement.
As Amanda drove Liv back to her apartment, the journey was spent in a comfortable silence, which Amanda respected. Liv spent most of her time emailing or texting on her phone, or staring out of the passenger window. Amanda knew that it had been a very difficult day for her, and despite believing it would benefit her to talk about it, she clearly wasn't ready to. As much as she respected that, she was worried for her. It was only when they were just a few blocks away from her building that Amanda spoke.
"Liv" Amanda said, prompting Liv to blink herself out of her stupor and turn towards her. "Are you... is everything alright?" she asked carefully. Liv stared at her for a moment, before realising what she meant.
"The bleeding has stopped and I haven't..." Liv began, struggling to finish her sentence. She swallowed hard. "It's probably only a matter of time before-"
"Hey" Amanda interrupted, reaching for Liv's hand and squeezing it, as she turned down the street where her apartment was. "You don't know that" she said gently. Liv waited until Amanda had pulled over before responding, using those few precious moments to centre herself.
"I know that I am forty-eight years old, classed as high risk, and sustained a dangerous injury to my abdomen at twelve weeks" Liv said slowly. "It's not going to be okay" she added tearfully, her voice barely above a whisper. Amanda squeezed her hand.
"You were attacked ten hours ago, Liv" Amanda reminded her, desperate to provide her with comfort but not false hope. "The fact that you're still-"
"Amanda" Liv interrupted, a firm edge to her voice. "I appreciate what you're trying to do" she continued calmly, as she fought back her emotions. "But I'm asking you to stop" she whispered. Amanda nodded immediately in agreement and watched as Liv began to undo her seatbelt.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?" Amanda asked kindly.
"I'll be fine, but thank you" Liv said sincerely. Amanda nodded reluctantly.
"Just text me, to let me know you're okay" Amanda replied. Liv nodded in agreement and picked up her bags, before walking slowly towards her apartment building. Amanda waited until she had entered the building before driving away.
Liv greeted her doorman and took the elevator up to her floor, her body aching and her eyes raw from crying. Her head was aching from emotion and exhaustion, and it was a relief when she finally reached her apartment, unlocking the door and stepping inside. She walked through the living area and placed her handbag on the couch, before dropping her overnight bag on the kitchen floor next to the washing machine, resolving to deal with it later. She took her phone out of her pocket and checked the time as she headed into the bathroom, running herself a hot bath before retreating to her bedroom. She placed her hand on the lower right side of her abdomen, wincing in pain as she eased herself onto the edge of the bed, and letting out a slow, calming breath.
Liv sat in a silence for several minutes, the sound of running water breaching the silence of her apartment. She felt numb, exhausted and utterly drained. She just wanted to crawl into her bed and lie there for the entire weekend, safe and alone as her body did what she felt it would inevitably do. But Noah would be home in less than an hour, and Friday nights were their special nights together. She had to hold it together for him. And so she wiped her eyes, rose carefully from her bed, and began to undress herself in preparation for her bath.
After easing herself out of her blazer and hanging it up in her closet, Liv removed her white shirt and placed it in her washing basket. As she stood upright she found herself looking at her reflection in her full-length mirror. Her eyes were glassy and her exhaustion clear, and there was a look of weary sadness upon her expression which made her look unfamiliar even to herself. The bruising around her right eye was darkening, to an angry pink with accents of purple and grey, which promised to darken to be almost black. There was also red and brown bruising at the base of her ribcage, and she winced at the sight. As she glanced down further she noticed the purpling bruise which was covering the centre and right side of her belly. She placed her hand upon it instinctively, wincing at the soreness of the injury. Her palm felt warm against her skin, and comfort rose within her. She found herself staring at her belly in the mirror, the sight of the injury and its location causing her to become tearful once more. She inhaled sharply and removed her hand from her belly, turning away from the mirror and continuing to slowly undress.
Five minutes later Liv lay back cautiously in the bath, allowing the hot soapy water to soothe her aching skin. She leaned down slowly and felt immeasurable comfort, her aching muscles relaxing beneath the water's heat. She used her favourite soap to remove the scent of blood and hospital from her skin, before quickly washing and conditioning her hair. Aware that Noah would be home soon, she removed the plug from the bath and carefully stood up, wincing at the exertion, and trying to ignore the aching in her belly and lower abdomen, which she found herself clutching instinctively, as she walked slowly back into her bedroom.
Liv dried herself and changed into a pair of black leggings, an oversized white jumper and fluffy black bed socks, an outfit which was comfortable and gentle against her skin. She quickly dried her hair and tied it back, before applying a generous amount of concealer and foundation to the bruising around her eye. She did not want Noah to notice the extent of her injuries, and she certainly didn't want him to worry. Once she was satisfied her injury was concealed, she rose slowly from her dressing table, pressing her hand lightly against her belly as she walked tentatively into the kitchen. She had just taken another dose of Tylenol when she heard the familiar sound of a key in the lock, and moments later the door opened, revealing Lucy and Noah.
"Mum!" Noah beamed, running towards her with his backpack trailing behind him.
Before Liv could react, Noah threw himself into her arms and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. The dull aching of her lower ribs and belly became incredibly painful, and she cried out and reached instinctively towards her belly. She felt dizzy and nauseous with the pain, which was so intense she was unable to speak. Noah's smile faded immediately and he practically jumped back, a worried look in his eyes. Liv felt something inside her shatter.
"Mummy?" Noah asked worriedly, fear present in his voice. Liv pressed her hand to her belly and ignored the pain, offering him her best smile.
"Olivia?" asked Lucy, who was slowly walking towards them.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart" Liv said to Noah, placing her hands on his arms and leaning down to his height, despite her body's protests. She could feel tension in his little body as he stared at her with worried eyes. "I arrested a bad guy today who didn't want to be caught, and he kicked me in my tummy and it hurt" she explained, speaking the lines she had been rehearsing before he came home. "I'm just a bit sore, that's all" she soothed, feeling Noah relax slightly beneath her hands.
"Sorry, mummy" Noah replied. Liv shook her head and drew his close.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, my love" Liv assured him, running her hand through his curls and kissing him on the cheek. "I'm sorry I scared you" she said gently, as she leaned back and met his gaze. Noah smiled.
"Did you get the bad guy?" Noah asked hopefully. Liv smiled.
"Of course I did" Liv replied. Noah's smile broadened. "Now, why don't you go and put your pyjamas on, and then we'll order pizza, okay?"
"Yeah!" Noah beamed. Liv clenched her jaw and pushed herself back up into a standing position.
"What film would you like to watch tonight?" Liv asked.
"Harry Potter!" he returned immediately. "Can we watch them all from the beginning again?"
"Of course we can" Liv replied, the notion a soothing one for the weekend ahead. She stroked his hair and watched him hurry into his bedroom, calling out goodbyes to Lucy as he did so.
"Can I have pepperoni pizza, please?" he asked as he reached his door.
"Yes!" Liv returned, before crossing her arms and walking slowly towards Lucy.
"Olivia, are you okay?" Lucy asked, concern present in her eyes.
"I'm fine, it's nothing" Liv quickly assured her. "A few broken ribs and some bruising" she advised. "Nothing a relaxing weekend watching Harry Potter won't fix" she smiled. Lucy relaxed visibly and nodded.
"I'm around this weekend, if you need me" she offered kindly. Liv nodded.
"Thank you" she replied, before walking Lucy to the door. "Have a great weekend" she added kindly, waving Lucy off and closing the door behind her.
Liv placed her hand on her aching belly and walked slowly into the kitchen, picking up her phone and calling their local pizza place, putting in an order for pizza she was confident she could not eat. She then set up the TV and put on the film Noah had requested, before laying out their usual banquet of pre-film drinks and snacks on the living room table. She was draping their blankets on the couch when she heard the ping of the microwave, and she turned instinctively towards the kitchen.
"Noah?" she asked, confusion present in her tone. Her son came walking up to her, appropriately dressed in his Harry Potter pyjamas.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, mum" Noah said gently, his kind eyes looking up at Olivia, as he offered her the stuffed green dinosaur in his hand. "This will make you feel better" he said confidently, handing the warm toy to Liv.
The dinosaur was a heat-up plush toy filled with lavender, which was designed to provide comfort and relief to children who were sick or injured. Liv drew it instinctively to her belly and held it there, feeling the comforting warmth against her skin, as the soothing scent of lavender drifted towards her.
"Thank you, Noah" Liv said gently, swallowing her emotions as she leaned towards him and kissed his forehead. "Sweet boy" she whispered. Noah placed his hand gently on his mother's hip and snuggled into her. A knock at the door interrupted their sweet moment.
"Pizza!" Noah proclaimed, hurrying towards the door with urgency. Liv laughed and turned towards the kitchen counter.
"Are you paying, too?" she asked lightly, removing her wallet from her handbag and following him towards the door.
"No" Noah laughed, as he opened the front door and greeted the pizza delivery man. Liv smiled fondly and handed over the money, as Noah took custody of the pizzas and hurried them towards the nest his mother had built for them in their living room.
Liv sat on the right hand side of the sofa, playing the movie before opening the boxes and being greeted by pepperoni and cheese-scented steam. She had forced herself to eat a sandwich in the hospital but had not felt up to eating much else, but she found her mouth watering at the sight and scent of the pizza in front of her. She placed two slices on a plate and ate the first one faster than she had intended. Noah was sitting next to her snuggled against her uninjured left side, and eating pizza and garlic dough balls as though he were starving. Liv smiled at him fondly and stroked his hair, before looking towards the screen.
As Liv looked at the screen she found herself watching the familiar scene of Hagrid handing a swaddled baby Harry to Professor Dumbledore. Liv found herself staring at the tiny, dark-haired baby, fast asleep and snuggled into his multicoloured blanket. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach and her mouth suddenly went dry. She swallowed hard and placed her plate upon the table, averting her eyes from the screen as she felt them fill with tears.
"Are you okay, mum?" Noah asked uncertainly. Liv ignored the rising feeling of discomfort which was growing inside her and turned towards him with her best smile.
"I am, my love" she responded warmly. "I'm just really tired" she explained. Noah considered her for a moment before nodding in agreement, seemingly accepting her answer. He rested his head against her shoulder and she leaned against him, kissing his head and waiting for the scene to end. She knew from memory it was only brief. In an attempt to distract herself she sent a couple of texts to Fin and Amanda, assuring them she was fine, and wishing them both a nice weekend.
Liv managed to stay awake for over an hour, before the events of the day and her aching belly overcame her, and she leaned tiredly against the arm of the sofa. Noah drew her blanket up to her shoulders and leaned against her, snuggling beneath his own blanket as he continued to watch his movie.
After the first film ended the second began to play automatically, and Noah battled his tiredness in an attempt to stay awake. He was distracted from the Dementors' attack on the train by the sound of an incoming call on his mother's iPad. Noah looked down at his mother, who was fast asleep, and quickly freed himself of his blanket and headed into the kitchen. He reached into her handbag and removed the iPad, removing the cover and smiling at the caller ID. He answered the call with a broad grin.
"Hi, Uncle Rafa!" Noah said excitedly.
"Hi Noah" Rafael Barba returned, his smile matching Noah's. "How are you?"