authorsnote: wooo
god this story is a-moving! I have warned before but will again; if ya don't like angst this story is REALLY not for you.
as always do enjoy! please do review and let me know what you think! and fav/follow for updates!
songrecs: drivers licence - olivia rodrigo (yes I've gotten on the hype, and yes sour fucking slaps)
When she arrived in the Great Hall, the Sorting had already happened, a few whispers sprung forth, and Harry and Ron ambushed her the second she slid into her seat.
"Where were you?" Harry said, and she noticed his gaze dart to the Slytherin table, to Malfoy who'd likely arrived just before her. She could see the back of his head, platinum blonde, with that pale glow that now clung to him. She wondered if it would fade.
"Something came up" Is all she offers and then she is thankful to be interrupted by Nearly Headless Nick, who greets Harry immediately, allowing her a much needed minute to think.
What is she supposed to say? 'Oh Harry I got sidetracked as Draco Malfoy is a werewolf, and I'm soulbonded to him and apparently that means I can't ever be with anyone else but he won't tell me anymore than that! Oh is that some chocolate cake? Could you pass me a slice? Oh no don't worry Harry, I'm sure Draco Malfoy will come around and give me a full reasonable explanation in due course!'
What on earth is she supposed to say? To explain what had happened? She could barely get her head around it herself. The words just kept echoing in her mind:
'A soulbond, our souls are bound'
'This is It Granger, for you and me, this is it''As in no one else, no one else, ever'
She for once in her life wished she didn't have such a perfect memory, so his words wouldn't keep replaying and replaying, almost booming in her ears:
'I won't hurt you'
'I can't''Won't or can't? Both'
How is she supposed to explain any of that? Especially when she doesn't even understand it herself. She can't. She doesn't want to. In truth she wants to lie down in a dark room, hands over her ears, blocking out of the world before she goes on to make a plan.
Because she will make a plan, she always does, she isn't the type to sit idle, life passing her by and doing as it wishes whilst she sits passive. She'll make a plan ... tomorrow. For now she just needs to process, maybe panic, maybe cry; maybe all three.
But first she has to deal with her very loyal, very determined best friends who look quite ready to punch someone or start shouting on her behalf, which she appreciates, but really doesn't have the energy for right now.
She doesn't want to lie to them, never does, but she doesn't see that she has much choice. To lie to Ron will be hard but she knows how he'll react; angry, confused, jealous - they had after all had the makings of crushes on one another but when she searches for the tendril of yearning she'd had for him just hours previous it is gone, crushed, cut off like a dead vine. She has no doubt the soulbond is responsible.
But to lie to Harry will be worst. Earnest Harry with his kind eyes, who's paranoia isn't just that she knows now, but how could she possibly tell him? He'd run to Dumbledore, or confront Malfoy directly, either of which would make a mess. She has to acknowledge a large part of this is a secret she holds that is not hers to tell, no matter how much it involves her.
Yes lying is not what she wants to do, but what choice does she have? Worse, she knows it will have to be a good lie, to get them to back off, she knows something simple and innocent will just invite more questions and probing, no she'll need something that forces them to back off.
She knows exactly what to use, hates herself for considering it but knows she will, but worse as she thinks of her convenient excuse for disappearing she realise...
She hasn't thought of her parents for the first time in hours.
The pain, the sadness, the loneliness comes rushing back as she remembers, not distracted by werewolf's, soulbonds and Draco Malfoy, it comes back like a knife to the heart and makes her story to Harry and Ron all the more convincing, her expression naturally devastated.
She still feels dirty though as she spins her story ... her lies.
"Over the summer..." She feels a horrible hollow feeling in her stomach, that she's going to use her tragedy to get out of a tight spot. That she's going to lie to her best friends. She knows she has no choice, but that doesn't make it feel any better, as she uses her practically dead parents to wiggle out of her best friends questioning.
It feels wrong, but she doesn't know what else to do.
"I wiped my parents memories" No point beating around the bush she feels, though she feels a horrid pang in her stomach as Ron gasps and Harry's expression soon mirrors her devastation, she automatically reaches for his hand but he doesn't grasp back, he just looks horrified as she continues.
"I knew they'd come under threat, I'm surprised they haven't been targeted already, and I've told them quite a bit about Hogwarts, about you Harry" None of this is lies, it's true, it's the reasons he'd asked Dumbledore for help. In Australia her parents will be hidden, anonymous, here she felt they had a great big target on them because of her, she felt she hadn't had much of a choice, "So I sent them away, to Australia, they'll be safe and happy, and they won't be found, see they've taken new names, Wendall and Monica Wilkins, and Wendall and Monica don't know they have a daughter"
She breaks off then, as a tear slips down her cheek. She doesn't mean to, but the pain, it's severe. She's alone. Her parents are gone, her best friends are looking at her with guilt and horror, and Draco Malfoy may prevent her from being with anyone else ever, if he's to be believed.
Alone. She doesn't think she's ever felt more lonely, and she feels a horrid coldness in her chest at that thought.
"I'm so sorry" Harry says, because of course he does, she feels a surge of affection for her friend but it doesn't come near to wiping the pain away, as he finally clutches her hand back and she takes her others in Ron's.
The three of them, the trio, at least they have each other. They might be all she ever has.
"It's not your fault" Because she truly believes that she says it. Regardless of her friendship with Harry her parents wouldn't be safe in Voldemort's Britain, she is right to get them away, she is sure of it, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it almost killed her to do.
"It's not Harry" Ron confirms and she smiles at him, "I'm sorry Hermione, you can come the Burrow for holidays of course!" She feels a swell of affection for him too, but before it had been tingled with something of a crush, now it feels the same as it does with Harry, who she considers a brother. The soulbond to blame no doubt.
"But anyway, that's that, I ended up needing some alone time on the train and got distracted" She says, trying to shake away some sadness, wiping at her tears, she'll cry again later she's sure, as she processes everything, but for now she needs to just eat something, put on a bit of a brave face, and try not to scream at everything that has happened.
She's thankful when they both nod, of course accepting it as she knew they would. She feels that tinge again though, feels a bit dirty at what she's done, but what choice did she have? She needed an excuse, she can't tell them the truth, the truth about who she was with. She doesn't even look at him now, she can't … though if she'd had she would have seen the way he'd tensed as she spoke, would have noticed how at one point he even turned round to look at her back, as she had his.
But she didn't notice that, instead she forces on a watery smile, tries to concentrate as Dumbledore speaks and tries to ignore the horrible empty feeling in her chest.
Tomorrow she'll plan, tomorrow she'll find a way forward, for now she just grabs a slice of apple pie and tries to annoy the hollow feeling that it was one of the few desserts her parents had liked.
By the time she is in bed, she has managed to wave off Harry and Ron (both looking so guilty, but both clearly unsure as to how to comfort her), has pulled her hangings around her, and has silenced the bed for anyone to hear, so no one can hear her sobs.
And yet, the tears never come.
She lies in bed wide awake for what feels like hours but the tears don't come, not at all, her mind just races, her head buzzing like it's full of bees, but no tears, no sobbing, no curling on her side and wailing, her mind is just completely occupied, her thoughts racing, no time for tears.
Is she heartless? Has she processed everything? Or is she just pushing away the inevitable breakdown? Does she need to cry? Or has she cried herself out?
She doesn't know, but she can't cry, can't even plan, she doesn't think of Harry, of Ron, of her parents, of school starting tomorrow, of any of that, she just thinks of Draco Malfoy, and the words he said to her over and over again.
'Our souls are bound'
'No one else … ever'
'I won't hurt you'
'I can't'
She thinks on those again and again, but that's not the main point that is a mantra in her mind, repeating over and over, spinning over and over, all she hears really…
'If I could claw it out of me I would'
'What?'
'My soul'
No tears, no sobbing, just that over and over and over.
She doesn't want to believe him, that this is it, that they're bound and that means no one else, ever. She does not like Draco Malfoy, she wants nothing to do with him, he's racist, elitist, arrogant, awful, and yet if he's to be believed she'll have no one but him, he's bound to her.
What does that even mean?
She's thankful for the question it gives her some clarity. She reaches for a quill and scroll on her bedside table, and begins to jot a few bits down, it helps her, to write things out, to not just be lying in bed consumed with his words as she has been. She hasn't processed fully she knows, but she's Hermione Granger, she'll process better with a plan.
A plan, perhaps it can't wait until tomorrow. Perhaps she's skipping the crying and the process and jumping forward.
She doesn't mind if that's the case if it stops this awful feeling in her stomach.
Loneliness, fear, worry, she's not sure, but as she begins to formulate what to do next it starts to fade, and that's what matters.
Her script is pretty, as she lists what to do next:
Look at books in the library on werewolf rituals and soulbonds
Ask McGonagall for a restricted pass to look there too
Write to Professor Lupin? (To consider)
Discuss as a 'research project' with one of the Professors – who?
She dithers for a second before she writes the last line, it's really what she should do first, but then his face flashes before her eyes again and his words, 'I'd claw it out…' and she can't bring herself to put it first, instead she adds it at the end.
If all else fails, talk to Malfoy again
She doesn't want to talk to him, her usual thirst for knowledge dies at the idea of discussing this with him. His words are too intense, his knowledge seemingly correct but unverifiable. He's not to be trusted, not to be fully believed, and she does not want to be cornered by him again. He's horrible, cruel, unkind, she doesn't want to be subject to his insults, his horrible sneer, his mean words and tight grip.
No, she'll avoid Malfoy whilst she explores other avenues, and she doesn't think that will be hard, he clearly does not want to talk to her, and she can take advantage of that. She's sure he hasn't got the full picture of the soulbond, and she's determined to get it without him.
With a plan in place she feels a little better, she places her scrap of parchment in her copy of Hogwarts a History, places it down on her cabinet, and forces herself to settle down. A quick tempus charm tells her it is 3am, she has classes tomorrow and something to research, she needs to sleep, and feels she may fall asleep better now.
She does feel better with a plan in place, though the pain, the hurt, it doesn't go away, she wonders if it ever will, as she forces herself to close her eyes and settle down, no matter how awake she is. It doesn't dissipate; will it? She doesn't think so.
She manages to fall asleep an hour later, tossing and turning, her stomach churning, worry running through her veins, she manages to succumb to slumber after a while, though her dreams make her wish she hadn't.
She dreams of Draco Malfoy.
Of his blonde hair, the glow that clings to him, golden and bright, his harsh words, his grip on her arms, his grey eyes so angry and yet with a hint of something underneath. She dreams of that horrible sneer, his attempt at comfort, his strong hold on her when she'd fallen.
'If I could claw it out of me'
Those words, over and over.
She dreams of him, of his face, his voice, his hands, his words. Of him, of their bond. She doesn't understand it, doesn't know what it means but as she dreams, she feels it. She feels that bond, as though a golden thread linking them both, and she remembers the void, that it had spoken to her:
'It is done'
And if she were to sneak into the Slytherin Common Room to look in on Malfoy as he slept, she'd see the same thing someone watching her would see. She'd see him tossing and turning, his brow furrowed, his hair mussed in sleep, and she'd even hear him mumble her name as she does his, even in the depths of sleep.
'Hermione'
'Draco'
The soulbond has them, and by morning avoiding one another is not an option.
soooo thoughts?
slightly smoller chapter, but the next one is a doozy! also not much time with harry/ron, trust me when I say that will change! anyone remember how suspicious harry was of draco in HBP? just wait for that to ramp up 1000!
as always do let me know what ya thought, bit of a cliff hanger here, but all will be explained ... eventually!
I should say I've seen lots of soulbond fics but am trying to make this a lil different, except lots of twists and turns!
do fav/follow for updates, review to make ya girl happy, and speak soon!