authorsnote: took me a few goes to get this right, but hopefully you like it!
do lemme know your thoughts, and enjoy'
songrecs: I fall apart - post malone (banger)
The journey was familiar to her this time.
She almost laughed as they crossed the threshold of Malfoy Manor, and followed Malfoy without needing to check which way he went, if only she'd seen herself a year ago, or even just a few months, knowing her way around Malfoy manor, her previous self would have thought her mad.
But this was her life now, and so she followed, straight to the library, not lingering or stopping. She may know her way, but she still felt uncomfortable, like she was a trespasser in this house.
She was a trespasser, she knew if Lucius or Narcissa Malfoy were to find her here they'd throw her out on her arse, and that would be the most generous outcome.
She wondered then if Wizarding Britain had similar laws to America about shooting trespassers, it wouldn't surprise her, and she vowed before her next visit to check, the Wizarding world was so incredibly backwards sometimes, and very old fashioned, duels were still a thing for goodness sake, she would just presume the Malfoys could hex her out of the house with little legal reckoning and would check to confirm.
Hermione must have looked nervous, biting her lip perhaps, because as Malfoy glanced back at her, she had no idea he knew instantly what she was thinking.
"My parents are still in Paris, Granger" He scoffed as she followed him through the wooden corridors, not a speck of dust or frayed rug in sight, "Don't worry"
Had he read her mind? Or was it a side effect of their bond that he seemed to have plucked the worry from her head? She wasn't sure which was worse a possibility.
And so she just nodded, and followed him through to the library, still vowing to double check that point, though she hoped she wouldn't be in Malfoy Manor much after they were done here, a nagging part of her told her to be logical and that she likely would be.
It was rare but sometimes she wished she wasn't so damn logical and practical about everything, that she could put something to the back of her mind and ignore it, banish it from thought and not linger on it, but then that wasn't her, would never be her.
A curse and a blessing.
She came back to herself as she stepped into the library, and still allowed herself a moment or two to be awed by it again. It was truly wonderful, like something out of a fairy-tale or classical novel, "Elizabeth Bennet eat your heart out" She mumbled to herself.
"What?" Malfoy shot back and she jumped, she'd barely whispered it under her breath, how?
"Werewolf hearing Granger" Ahh of course, though no cocky smirk accompanied Malfoy's stating of his skill, instead he grimaced, and so she just nodded, and followed him to the spots they'd been in before, tucked away, their books left in place, and as they sat down a fresh jug of pumpkin juice appeared, clearly there would be no dilly dallying.
Good, they had a lot to cover and not enough time.
Time… she felt as though she were spiralling through it. Had it really been such a short time? Barely even a month since she'd discovered this about Malfoy? Discovered their bond? It felt like a lifetime ago.
Was she like Alice? Spiralling down the rabbit hole, whirling and winding, but feeling as though it would never end?
But then it wouldn't end, she remembered Malfoy's words.
"How long does this last?" "The bond?"
"You already know that Granger"
"Is there a way to break it?"
"You know that too"
They continued to play on a loop in her mind, the endless scroll of them washing over her brain.
Alice, down the rabbit hole, she already felt dizzy.
Once she sat down, she poured herself a drink, more so to give herself a second or two to centre herself and poured one for Malfoy too. She took a few breaths, and then a few more, and then settled back into the chair.
Time to put her logical mind back on, to focus, not to think about the spiral of time, her fears, her anxiety threatening to crush her chest. Time to focus on getting answers.
Answers.
"Calm down Granger" Malfoy piped up, and as she looked up at him she saw he was watching her, she hadn't been aware of it, but he was.
What did that mean?
"I…" She began, "It's hard"
"I know" His voice softened, and somehow that caused something inside of her to unclench, to calm, to still, the bond? She didn't think so, though she didn't look too closely. "But we'll find answers, find a way to … deal with this"
Deal with it, not end it, not destroy it, not begone of it.
"You know that too"
Deal with it, it was better than nothing, and all they had, and so she nodded.
"Thank you" She said, she didn't need to, but she did, "For making me feel better"
"Anytime" Malfoy said casually, and yet there was an undercurrent to his tone, something in his voice that said he meant it, and he meant it fiercely.
Somehow, that was what caused her to let the tension go and feel as relaxed as she could in this house, knowing he meant it.
And so, she settled back, Malfoy doing the same, just as they had done before, and they fell into a silence she'd never admit was comfortable.
But it was.
Neither of them spoke. Neither wanted to speak first to break the silence that would mean acknowledging the truth. The longer they both sat, dead silent, lips closed, eyes too, would mean they wouldn't have to confront what they'd learned.
Which was almost nothing.
Sure, there'd been a few encouraging tidbits;
"It says here that you may become overprotective" Her teeth biting into her lip, 'I want to do that' he thought and pushed aside, animal, he growled internally, forced himself to listen, "Of me"
"Who else Granger?" The blush that ricocheted from cheek to cheek, a slight scowl on her lips and then more reading, regret for riling her, something he'd loved, now something that made him uneasy.
A few more;
"I can't upset you" He drawled, he knew this already, had felt it before, put it together when she'd fainted, now it was confirmed, "The bond doesn't like it" He sneered, the bond could shove it.
"Right" And that was all from that, and back to reading.
Some bits they already knew expanded on;
"As I said before, the more time we spend together, the easier it will be to be apart, the more we avoid each other, the worse it will be" She paused then, and he glanced at her hair, wild curls he'd once mocked, now wanted to run his fingers through – what was wrong with him?
"And that includes the touching?" He asked, and forced himself to seem unbothered, though his hands clenched into fists, hard fists.
"Yes, that makes things easier" Her cheeks red again, "I mean the book says it does"
"Uh hu" He offered, and then silence again.
Some things they already knew in full;
"Intense pain if apart" He rolled his eyes, "As if we didn't know that"
"Would be hard to miss" Granger quipped and he laughed, actually laughed, he missed how her eyes widened in something akin to wonder, and instead went back to his book.
And that was almost it, two huge volumes they'd spent hours trawling through, four hours to be exact, even going back over passages, clarifying them to one another, sharing a book over the table to determine the meaning of a paragraph. Over and over, a stack of notes in front of them, little slips of bookmarks noting the few important bits.
Almost nothing.
Clearly the researchers had struggled and spoke at length how difficult it was to 'study the subjects'.
One passage had said;
'In particular studying the mate of the wolf was exceedingly difficult, the wolf so protective would rarely let me near the mate, and any question of mine that could even mildly perturb was taken with great offence'
Great, because some wolf who couldn't keep his temper in check meant they had almost nothing to go on now. Not that he couldn't sympathise with said wolf, he thought if some researcher began poking around them, asking Granger questions, he felt himself tense just at the thought.
He was one of them now, a filthy half-breed, and though he had yet to fully accept it, he could acknowledge the differences that would cause in his behaviour.
For one, he wouldn't be letting any intrepid researcher prod at Granger for answers, the very thought made him near see red.
Overprotective indeed.
But just that attitude had left them here, with two massive volumes, countless notes and yet almost nothing new or of use.
He had known finding information would be difficult, Greyback had mentioned it with glee but hadn't gone beyond that, his parents he couldn't talk to at all about his 'condition' as they put it, and the few werewolfs he'd interacted with had spoken of it as though it were a myth. He'd always known finding answers would be tough, but this little?
He knew he'd turned pale, as Granger had as they sat in silence, this was all they had?
What they'd found had explained most of what they'd encountered so far, but spoke nothing of the long term effects, any other side effects, spoke nothing of learning to live with it. It gave them a few explanations to situations they'd experienced, but almost nothing else.
"There must be other texts" Hermione spoke then, and his eyes shot up to look at her, there was something in her voice, despair? Certainly not hope.
He did nod though, sure the Malfoy library was extensive but it was not the total sum, perhaps there would be other texts, though it seemed the two seminal works sat on the table in front of them, discarded and useless.
"Right" He said, as he lifted his gaze, he didn't really believe it himself, but the look on Hermione's face (when was it Hermione instead of Granger? He didn't know), made him want to offer reassurance.
It was fucked up, he'd never cared much before for pleasing anyone but himself, had never put any worry into making others feel good, or comforting them. He had been self-serving to the extreme, as long as he was happy or at least relatively content what did it matter?
It was different now, and he blamed the bond. Just Hermione frowning made him feel uneasy, especially since she had fainted. The idea of upsetting her made him feel sick.
It was so strange, difficult too, his natural inclination was to mock her, get under her skin and pick her apart, and yet he wanted to rip his own hair out at the idea. It was a war inside of him, the snide Draco Malfoy who wanted to mock and sneer at the mudblood, and the wolf that wanted to rip his own chest open for daring to suggest it.
Two half's warring inside of him, and one was winning.
And so, even against his better judgement or desires, and with a sigh for good measure he stood and walked the few steps around the table, to sit down next to Granger.
He shouldn't, this wasn't him, he was selfish and mean and harsh, he wasn't one to offer kindness or comfort, that wasn't his role, not now, not ever.
And yet … here he was, sitting next to her, close enough their knees brushed, and Hermione didn't flinch or move, she just turned her head to look at him, her expression unchanged, filled with despair.
Draco wasn't sure why he did what he did next, but his hand reached up, cupped her face, ever so gently, as though to wipe her frown away he brushed a thumb over her cheek. What was worse was Hermione's reaction; she leaned into him, not much, just a touch, but she did.
And then in a whisper, she again spoke first…
"What are we going to do?" She said quietly, eyes wide and full of unshed tears. He wasn't one to cry but he felt on the same level as her. What the fuck were they going to do? They'd put everything on finding answers, on that leading them, but they had nothing, nothing at all to march them forwards.
"I don't know" He felt she'd value honesty over empty platitudes, and she seemed to with her nod, though the despair didn't leave her expression. "I'm terrible at this"
"What?" She replied, and he near flinched, he hadn't meant to say it out loud.
"Comfort" He said, committing now, even scoffing at himself, "Offering it"
Her shrug somehow eased something in him a touch, "I've never been that good at it either" She paused then, turning her gaze to him again, eyes wide, and he noticed up close, her skin was clear, just a smattering of freckles over her nose. She was pretty, and he knew now he looked at her, really looked at her, the bond had nothing to do with him thinking that.
"You know you glow" She offered as he didn't respond, and he raised an eyebrow, realising he'd been stroking his thumb back and forth over her skin, it was soft, and she leaned into him a touch more. What were they doing? What was he doing?
"Glow?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, clinging to anything to speak of this wasn't him.
"Mmhmm" She offered, closing her eyes then, seeming to lean in even more, as though drawing on his strength; did he have enough to give? "Kind of gold and silver all at the same time"
He knew whatever he did have, was hers, he'd give it to her freely.
Fuck.
"Weird" She nodded at that, even cracked a smile, it was another question they didn't have an answer to, but they didn't need any more despair, not now, not here, humour seemed better.
"We'll be okay" A lie, but one he had to offer, "We will"
"Hmm" Was all she said back, "Will we?"
"I'll make sure of it" That wasn't a lie, they may not be okay but he would do whatever was in his power to make it so, and he had a fair amount. Whatever he had to do … anything.
Anything for her.
"You will?" He knew later she'd state she could take care of herself, would glare at his suggestion he'd handle everything, but now, vulnerable, it seemed Hermione needed comfort, something he was so poor at (and apparently they had that in common), but would try to offer.
He nodded, "I will" And the weak but watery smile she managed was enough, enough for now.
And so they stayed, for several minutes more, on the sofa, knees touching, his hand cupping her cheek, silent, trying to offer comfort they both so desperately needed, but were so poor to give.
Until…
How long had they been still? Why did she feel as though if she pulled away, she'd crumble? She wanted no comfort from Malfoy, had never wanted it, and yet she couldn't, wouldn't move, and this wasn't the bonds effect driving her, this was all her.
Needing this, needing a gentle touch and reassurance, she needed it, and didn't dare move.
He glowed even more up close, but it didn't blind her, it was nice, like being under the sun's rays. The glow was stronger near his face, like a halo surrounding him, it was beautiful, he was beautiful, she knew the bond had pulled that from her, but it had always been there. Draco had always been blessed with looks; it was only now she could appreciate them.
Part of her wanted to pull away, this was dangerous, this wasn't them. They'd been forced into a situation neither wanted and she didn't want that to confuse things.
And yet, she could just as easily chop off her wand arm as she could break away now, she didn't dare, she didn't want to.
The silence wasn't comfortable now, but something near to perfect, like a moment frozen in time. When they broke free (him first surely), they'd confront the lack of answers they'd gotten, the despair she'd felt herself sinking into, the anguish of not knowing, but for now? For now, for once, they could just be, frozen and quiet, in the moment, not needing to think of anything.
Hermione didn't want to think of anything but the softness of Draco's hand on her cheek, with a few calluses from quidditch rough on her skin, she didn't want to think about anything but the glow she'd allowed herself to bask in, the gentle thrum of his breathing, steady and solid near her, the warmth of his presence, of the comfort he'd remarked he couldn't give, and yet was keeping her afloat.
Until…
"Hello?" A call sounded through the house, loud and clear, "Draco are you home for the weekend?"
Her eyes snapped open, and she jumped backward in shock, Malfoy was on his feet in a second.
"Why would he be home?" Another voice, "He's at school"
"I know but some things look moved, and the wards were activated recently" One shot back.
"Probably the elves" The second voice insisted, "Why would he be here?"
"You're right I suppose" The first relented, "But I'll reset them just in case"
Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy, home from Paris already, and likely having reset the wards they needed to pass through.
"Fuck" She whispered, eyes wide as she hurried to her feet, near stumbling.
"Fuck indeed" Malfoy whispered too, "The wards…"
"Will we trip them?" She asked in a whisper too, she was sure they couldn't hear them, not this deep into the house, and yet she felt the need to speak in a whisper, her hands shaking as she did so.
"They're anti apparition inside the house" He said back, eyes wide, "To stop people popping in unannounced, if we go, they'll know someone was here"
"So?" She hissed back, "We need to leave"
"They'll know it was me and someone else" He threw back at her, "My signature will show"
"Fuck" She said again, they wouldn't know her magical signature, but could they find out? It was keyed at the Ministry, everyone's were, would they be able to check?
"Yes they'll can check your signature at the Ministry" Malfoy said, as though reading her mind again, "And if I don't tell them they will"
"What do we do?" She asked, stepping closer to Malfoy as though for protection, stupid, it was his parents she was hiding from, "They can't know I was here"
"Obviously" His scoff made her flinch. "If we leave in the morning early before they wake up, I can deactivate them and reset them once we're outside"
"Why not now?" She said back.
"Because I'm not risking getting caught now" She saw him glance at the clock, "It is 11:30pm, they'll be going about for an hour or two more, and who knows if others will come over, and so we wait them out, leave first thing, 6am, I rekey the wards, get back to the dorms in time for breakfast"
"What and we hide in here until then?" She asked, stepping closer again, she felt like a fool, but she was worried, she did not want to confront his parents, nor have them learn just what they were doing and why.
She'd been nervous about telling Ginny for goodness' sake, the idea of her enemies learning what she had with Malfoy…
As he'd said before that would be very, very bad.
"No, my Father sometimes likes to come here before bed to read" He shook his head, and then glanced around at the mess on the chairs they'd made, they'd been sprawled here for hours after all, "Grab your stuff"
She paused for some reason, hesitated? Was she running purely on adrenaline now? Her hands still shook.
"Or we can wait for him to arrive, hope he does pause to ask what's going on before trying to hex you? Which would not be good when I maul him for doing so" Malfoy hissed as she hesitated, "Is that what you want Granger?"
"I…" What was the matter with her? Time was of the essence! And yet, she still stood, shaking.
"Hermione" His entire demeanour shifted, and his hands found hers, "Trust me now" Gone was the mocking, and how he so quickly changed moods almost gave her whiplash. His hand found her chin, lifting her gaze to his, his eyes glowing a touch gold like the rest of him as he looked at her, it was almost like drowning in the sun "Trust me now"
That was what jolted her out of it, and with a nod she quickly gathered her robe, slipped on her shoes, vanished the remains of the pumpkin juice and cups, and Malfoy gathered his things, flicking the books back to their places with a dash of his wand, it was as though they'd never been here, but where to next?
'Trust me now'
She resisted the urge to ask as Malfoy took her hand and lead her to the door.
'Trust me now'
And she did.
sooo thoughts?
I enjoyed how this turned out but it took a hot minute to get right!
also yes I am forcefully shoving the 'trapped inside the house together' trope here and no one can stop me
hermione is suffering a little here, plucky as she is, she is still a teenager in a very strange and unsettling situation! draco too.
more drama to come next chapter
speak soon