A/N: it's only been a month and half, not bad for me! finals are coming up and catch me doing this. again. not sure what it is about finals and updating this story asdfasdfsadfas

thank you for the wonderful comments on the last chapter!

5. tolerate it

if it's all in my head / tell me now

DeLuca had never been his favorite person. He wasn't going to act like he was either. But, when the news that he had been stabbed, subsequently followed by him not making it off the O.R. table found Cormac, it knocked the wind out of him. Suddenly any whisper of hope and a light at the end of the tunnel was ripped away. DeLuca had fought through the trenches of his mental illness and come valiantly out the other side an attending, helping to lead the charge against Covid-19. And it hadn't even been the stupid virus that killed him.

Grey had rejoined the conscious world, only to play hero and end up on a vent. (Maybe she and DeLuca were more alike than he thought.) After his midnight staring contest with Grey the week prior, he had made less of a big deal of paying her a visit.

Sliding open the glass door to her room on the ICU, Cormac made his way to her bedside. Stepping up to help cover the floor with everything going on didn't take a second thought. Over the past few days, the video call from her kids had become somewhat of a highlight. It had been years since his own was that age, all sticky hands, and imaginations and not knowing how to use indoor voices.

"Don't know if you can hear them," he leaned his weight on the railing of her bed, reaching out to touch the fabric around her wrist. "Don't know if you can hear me now."

Cormac thought his days of talking to an unconscious body in a hospital bed were over, but here he was. He had watched Bailey and Webber keep her updated on everything that happened with her service-how the residents messed up, how the patients she was treating before everything hit were fairing, how much they missed her.

Pierce would sit by her side during some of the video calls from home or talk to her and Shepherd at the same time. Once, he walked by and found Pierce sound asleep at her sister's side. From day one, it had become apparent Grey was a pillar in this establishment but also that she had a severe lack of self-preservation.

"It's none of my business, Grey, but I'm beggin' you. Fight."

As he's become privy to more and more of the Meredith Grey Chronicles, he's found himself wondering if she has any idea the extent of which she impacts those around her. Career-wise, clearly she does. She knows she's earned her credibility. But, to those who hold her dear…

Grey wasn't just someone you moved on from.

Cormac lowered himself into the chair near her head, starting into a story about how the video calls with her kids tended to go. The three of them had been confused at the new face in her Mom's room, but Shepherd quickly got them on board when he was introduced as "Aunt Cristina's friend." Ellis had asked why he sounded so funny. Bailey thought that Ireland was near Australia. Zola wanted to know if Yang was doing well.

He didn't have the heart to tell her they didn't talk all that often.

"They need you, Grey. They need you to fight." He kept his gaze on her for a moment, but it was getting harder to swallow, so looking at the floor became easier. Cormac hadn't even known her for a bloody year, but he couldn't imagine this place without her in it. He turned back to her, "We all need you to fight."

She had three little ones wanting to hug their Mom again.

When he felt his eyes sting and could hear his voice choking up, he told himself for the millionth time, he was being reminded of Abbi. "'Cause I've heard the stories about the fights you've already one, so, so I'm askin' ya to fight."

The ocean waves gently lapped at the shore, coming just a few inches shy of Meredith's bare feet. Derek was an arm's length away from her at the other end of the driftwood log. His laugh filled the air around them, and she knew if she were awake, her cheeks would hurt from smiling so much.

"Do you miss your whiskey nights?" he asked.

Meredith laughed, "What?"

"With the obnoxious Irishman ," Derek spoke with a horrific impression of an Irish accent. "He seems pretty worried about you."

She shrugged, toeing the sand, "I like being here with you."

"Never said you didn't." Derek leaned forward, "You're allowed to have someone worry about you like that."

She met his eyes and scrunched up her nose in protest, "I have! It's not like I've been celibate since you died."

"You're avoiding it."

"Avoiding what?"

Derek leaned back with a laugh, rolling his eyes at her stubbornness. When he didn't have to deal with it all the time, he forgot how endearing it could be. "Could you see yourself being something with Hayes?"

"You're the last person I thought I'd be having this conversation with." She shrugged, "We get each other, I guess. I won't deny the fact that it's crossed my mind, but I just don't know."

"Well, you've never been the one to just sit in the dark about something. I say you should figure it out, and give the kids a hug for me. But," he motioned to the shoreline around them. "That would mean leaving here."

Meredith trained her eyes out onto the ocean, watching the whitecaps roll in. Derek kept his eyes on her, "It's up to you."

"And she's been off her vent for how long?" Cristina's voice came across the tinny speakers of the tablet. Webber had her propped up in front of him as he walked the halls towards Meredith's new room.

"Just under 24 hours." Webber turned the corner and narrowly avoided running into a nurse. "You know Cristina, we do appreciate the check-ins and consultations you've been giving on Meredith, but I'm starting to wonder if you trust us to do our jobs."

"Hey," Cristina shot back, indignant. "I trust you and Bailey and Teddy plenty. But, that is my best friend on a hospital bed, and she deserves all of the best care, and I am part of the best."

Webber chuckled, fondly shaking his head at his former student. He rested his back against the nurses' station near Meredith's room, his camera facing away from it.

"Hey," Cristina said. "Is that Hayes?" Webber turned around to try and catch a glimpse of who she was seeing. Sure enough, Cormac Hayes was filling out some paperwork a few feet away.

"Hey, Hayes!" she yelled over the tablet, loud enough to get the attention of most anyone in a six-foot radius. Cormac looked up at Webber in confusion, who glanced at the video feed of Cristina before pushing it towards his colleague and handing him the tablet, "I guess I'll hand her off to you then."

"Thanks," Cormac drew out the sarcastic pleasantry, nodding at Webber as he walked away. He looked down at the camera, "What do you want?"

"I can't say hi to a friend?"

"Oh, we're friends now?"

Cristina scoffed, "Hurtful. No, but, really, tell me, is Mere actually doing better? Or are they just telling me that to keep me at bay?"

"And you assume I would know this because?"

"Ha, even though Mere's out cold, you don't think I don't hear about what goes on over there. Sources say you are one of her most frequent visitors."

Cormac rolled his eyes, "And who are these supposed sources?"

"Just fill me in, Hayes."

"Fine," he sighed. "They're tellin' you right. Her stats are up, and she's off her vent. Hasn't woken up, though."

Cristina could see the way his face fell just so slightly when he talked about her, his eyes glancing away from the screen and towards her room. "She'll wake up."

"You seem so sure," he gave a mirthless chuckle.

"She'll wake up," she repeated with a sharp nod of her head.

And she did.

Covid rates were still keeping steady, and he was still living out of a hotel room, but Grey was back working full time. The morale of the hospital had already noticeably boosted, which was needed. She had jumped right back into the fray as soon as she had the all-clear. Grey bided her time and took it slowly, coming back part-time at first, spending time at home with her kids, but as soon as she was deemed as recovered as she was going to get, suddenly was everywhere.

Apparently, she had gotten some wisdom about the meaning of life, or whatever.

Cormac was pleased to see her out and about and had chatted with her a few times since she woke up, but his visits with her were much less frequent than when she was still unconscious. Ironic enough since she was back to living in a hotel room that happened to be in the same wing as his.

Having heard about Grey's awakening before she was discharged, Irene demanded to be introduced. Cormac had reluctantly wheeled Irene by when Grey was stretching her legs, keeping six feet apart, of course. He conveniently left out that Irene had asked to meet her, acting instead like a coincidental run-in. Just to his luck, the two got along famously. But, it was the way Irene had started going on about how well she'd fit in during family dinners post-pandemic that gave him pause.

What was he supposed to do now, with her?

Before her collapse, there was this lingering feeling that they were on the edge of something. It was unknown but relatively light, kind of exciting. Then, she was at his feet, and his first thought was, "Dear Lord, not again."

It might not have been fair, but keeping his distance was easier. Easier than what? He wasn't entirely sure. Cormac didn't think it was super noticeable; they weren't immensely close beforehand but they were friends. He was still personable, polite.

He would smile and say "good morning," and she'd smile back, and suddenly he remembered the hours that followed after he first found her. How desperately he longed for her to be okay. The fear that she wouldn't be.

The fear that he cared this much.

So, he dove into his cases. When he'd hear her laugh echo down the hall at something Pierce or Wilson had said, he decided then was a good time to check on his patients. He'd run into her in the attending's lounge and suddenly had lab work to collect just after she said "hello." He didn't even look up from his paperwork as often anymore when he caught her passing by from the corner of his eye.

And surgery, that was a safe haven for a couple hours at least-until Grey was the one he was doing surgery with. Cormac had probably said a total of ten sentences since they made their first cut. Grey had been the one to catch the trauma when then ten-year-old on the table had come in with internal bleeding after an MVC and Cormac had met her in the O.R.

The patient was stable for now, hands and scalpels moving in an easily established rhythm. Across from him, Grey kept trying to catch his eye. He kept his focus on the child on the table. She waited three beeps of the heart monitor before trying to strike up a conversation again, "How are your boys doing?"

"They're, uh, doin' good. Glad that it's finally summer break. Now they can waste even more time playing video games."

Meredith laughed, "Well, better than getting arrested."

"I suppose."

Looking up at Hayes, she was met with the top of his forehead, his gaze still locked on anything other than her. What on Earth was that about? Did they have some sort of falling out when she was in a coma that no one bothered to fill her in on? Meredith rolled her eyes and turned back to the patient.

Fine, if he wanted to be all moody, she'd give him room to be moody.

It wasn't like they were given much more time for chatting anyways because the monitors started going crazy as the kid crashed. Seconds became minutes as they scrambled to stabilize and stop the bleeding.

Two minutes became five became eight.

"Time of death: 13:42."

Meredith could hear the clicking of the rocks echoing in the tunnels before Hayes even came into view. They informed the family together, and then, poof, it was like he vanished into thin air. She'd given him an hour before checking his office. Nothing.

Wilson hadn't seen him. Neither had the residents. She tried the tunnels as one last-ditch effort, but there he was, mask off, slouched on one of the gurneys, haphazardly throwing tiny pebbles into a cup taped on the wall. Meredith saw his head briefly turn her direction as she got closer, but he made no other moves to acknowledge her presence.

She stopped about six feet away, the Covid protocol engrained in her DNA at this point, arms crossed. She didn't say anything.

"You come to tell me we did everything we could? Because I know that."

"No, actually, I came to ask why you've been acting as if I contracted the Plague?"

"You kind of did."

"Well, I'm fine now! So, I would like it if you actually would talk to me."

"What do you think I'm doing now?"

"Hayes," she snapped, taking her mask off. "You know that's not what I meant." She took a step closer, "You haven't even looked at me since I got down here."

"I didn't ask you to come."

"God," Meredith said with a scoff. "What is your problem? Avoid me, fine, but don't sit there acting like a dick for no reason."

Cormac threw the last of the stones into the cup. Rubbing his hands across his face, trying to snap himself back into the present moment. He sighed, "You're right; I'm sorry. I, just, I'm not sure what to do with you?"

Letting her hackles relax, arms falling to the side, she squinted at him, "What does that mean?"

"I don't-" he let out a frustrated groan. Pushing himself up straighter, he shifted so he faced Meredith. "We had this, rhythm going, you and I, before you got sick. It was easy. But, that was then, and now…"

"Well, why can't we just fall back into that?" Meredith asked, tilting her head to the right.

"Because it's," Cormac stopped. "Because I-" He sighed again. He could feel all the truths he'd been trying to downplay circling in his brain. The fact that he could still taste the anxiety of finding her in the parking lot like it was yesterday. Cormac met her eyes, patient, curious. He could lie to himself all he wanted, but to her?

"Because you matter to me, Meredith, more than I'd actually like to admit. And the last time I saw someone who matters to me be sick in the hospital like you were, was Abbi." He hooked his fingers together around the back of his neck. "We haven't known each other that terribly long, but you've become the person I'm closest to out here, other than Irene and my boys. I didn't expect to care so much, so fast, and I ignored it for a while, but then you got sick, and I really couldn't anymore.

"Then you woke up, and I wasn't sure how to be around you without addressing all of it, and I felt a bit weird about the idea of talking about you, to you."

Meredith nodded, "I get it; I feel close to you too."

They watch each other for a few moments, the ghost of a smile being passed between them. Meredith suddenly remembered something she'd wanted to ask him, "Hey, were you the one who found me? I don't remember much, just… Derek and what I think was your voice."

Cormac looked away for a brief second before meeting her eye again and nodding.

"Well, thank you, and I'm sorry if I scared you."

"I'm pretty sure you scared the entire bloody hospital."

She let out a silent laugh through her nose. Cormac shifted on the gurney, "You saw your husband?"

Meredith blinked before smiling, "Yeah, that's actually something I wanted to talk to you about. Felt like you might get it more than most people."

He didn't say anything, just waited for her to continue. She took a seat on the gurney next to his, "So, I kind of have this history of seeing dead people when I'm on the brink of death." Meredith found herself going deep into the memories of her intern year, pulling up a recollection of her drowning. Of Denny, and Doc, and Dylan, Bonnie, Liz. Her mother.

"I didn't see any of them on the beach, though. That's where I found myself when I was unconscious-this warm and beautiful beach. Derek was there first. I couldn't get that close to him. He kept laughing at me and telling me these cryptic riddles and cheesy sentiments, the asshole.

"Then I saw George, my friend who died during residency. I saw my sister, too, and Mark. And Andrew."

"DeLuca?"

She nodded, "I knew he died before they told me. Funny enough, that's not the first time that's happened." She chuckled. "I saw living people too. Richard and Bailey mostly. Maggie at one point. You."

Cormac raised his eyebrows, "Me?"

"Mmhmm, you kept telling me to fight and how my kids would video chat me every day."

"Bloody hell," Cormac laughed, scratching just behind his ear. "Did you hear everything people were sayin' to ya when you were out?"

"I mean, I heard Wilson tell me she wanted to switch specialties, so, a good chunk of it at least."

Cormac looked up to the ceiling in disbelief, "You are something else, Grey."

"So we're back to Grey, now?"

"Huh?"

"You called me Meredith, earlier."

"Did I now?" he asked, a teasing lilt to his voice.

"Yep."

"Well, then, Meredith, I think it's about time we head back up. We've still got jobs to do."

Meredith couldn't help the grin that spread across her face as she slid back into a standing position. She waited for Cormac to join her before starting to move towards the elevators. They'd only moved a bus-length when he came to a stop, giving Meredith an odd look. Suddenly, he moved toward her, wrapping her in a solid hug.

It took her a second to acclimate, but she wrapped her arms around his back. It had been a while since she hugged anyone other than her kids. She let her chin rest on his shoulder, allowing the moment to linger. Cormac's voice just barely reached her ear, "Thank you for not dyin'."

They held the embrace for a heartbeat longer before slowly pulling away. Cormac's hands slid down her shoulders, coming to rest at her elbows. Her hands drew closer to herself, dancing lightly at the edge of his ribs. Meredith's eyes were on his, and she could see the apparent dip of his to her lips.

Both were breathing so lightly, they almost weren't at all. She didn't flinch or pull away, just watched him quietly, gently. Cormac wasn't sure who started leaning closer first, but he knew his eyes shut before hers.

And then, two blaring ringtones went off, nearly simultaneously. Meredith jerked back, scrambling for her phone. She had to read the text a couple of times before it processed, nerves still shaking from the sudden atmosphere change.

"Uh," she started. "Incoming trauma. I'm needed in the pit."

"Me too."

Cormac met her eyes for a second before a smile grew on his lips, a laugh bubbling up and over. It didn't take long for Meredith to catch his laughter, shaking her head at nothing in particular, or maybe at everything. She didn't know anymore. He started moving towards the elevators again, picking up the pace, "Trauma's not gonna wait for us. Better hurry up before I get the best case."

"Hey, you got a head start!"

thank you for reading! i always love and appreciate any comments and feedback you have to offer 3

hope everyone is doing well!