Mattie
I'm almost halfway through this diary, sheeeeesh. Guess if I run out of pages I can always get another book and call it 'the chronicals' or something lol. As always I'll manifest that you get this update.

School's good. I'm doing well and I like it. Friends are good and all doing well. Pretty much the same as always. Crush is still strong but evolving kinda weird. I'm not sure if it's joke flirting or a serious suggestion but Francis says we should be business partners. He told me he needs someone smart AND handsome to manage tough business things when he gets his own restaurant. Obviously I'm gonna say yes but it's just a weird way to say it. Gil and Toni act weird about it too but are probably just teasing me because this has gone on since senior year and I'm almost 21.

That last part is fucking me up not gonna lie. Everyone keeps asking if I'm gonna be okay and I keep joking that I'll pour one out for you lol. I will do that but then it's like it's final. But it is final isn't it? It's been final for a while. I used to think a day of school was a long time. Then I thought months were but years have always seemed like ginormous chunks of time and you've been gone for years. YEARS. I thought that at some point there'd be SOMETHING giving us a hint about you or that you'd just walk in one day or I don't actually know but I expected something to happen. I've been doing okay-er as time goes on and find it easier to get distracted but that's just it! I'm distracted and you could be here but you're not and I don't think I'll ever GET OVER it.

Sometimes I really just want to go back to when we were kids and make everything right from the start but then I get really fucked up because I can't just GO BACK even though that's all I really want! I hate that time keeps marching me forward and then the gap gets bigger and bigger. I just wish this was all a dream and I'd wake up sometime in the past and you'd be there.

No, it's okay. I'll be okay. I'm sure you're okay and I was thinking about it the other day and it actually pissed me off. Because this whole time I was thinking 'what if you're NOT okay' but what if you are? What if you're FINE. What if you're more than fine and what if you're fucking CELEBRATING that you don't have to put up with us anymore?!

I don't know how to feel about it and it's always changing, but most days I'm fine. I've got a 21st bday planned and I'm going to actually celebrate because I passed up the last 2 birthdays and my friends keep telling me that I need to have a proper party because you only turn 21 once. And they're right so that's what I'm gonna do! I don't care how guilty I'll feel because I need to live my life with or without you.
Hope you're having fun without me because I'm having fun without you!
Todelooo asshole from Alfred!

So Mattie,
I know I said I'd live life with or without you but I really wish it was with you. Sorry for being mean, I was just angry and sad and scared and you get it, right?
I did have fun at my party and I didn't feel bad until the morning when I was super hungover. I was fucking ugly crying because I wish you were here and you're just not. I wish I could just give up on you and not feel so guilty that it was us that drove you away.

At least we're only 90% sure that it's us that drove you away as the reason. There's always a chance that you've been kidnapped and now you're being tortured in some sickos basement and your holding out hoping you're going to be found and saved but we don't have a single fucking clue where to start looking for you cus your evil kidnapper was just so good and taking you. That idea really fucking upsets me, you have no idea. But at least I KNOW that can't be the case cus you cleaned out your room.

But hey there was a silver lining to my shitty hangover! Francis held my hand as I hangover ugly cried and vomited so yeahhhhhh... I'm not gonna win him over doing that lmao but if he can handle me at my worst then that's a green flag right? I don't remember much from the night before but I know I was very touchy flirty with him and I was worried that I'd ruin things as I was doing it but couldn't stop. But clearly everything's fine if he's still here.

That was all this morning and I've been trying to catch up on school stuff but obviously that's not really working out. So I'm writing this before I go out to bday dinner with Arthur. Let's see if I can stomach anything when breathing too hard makes the room spin yay... But last night was awesome (as Gil would say haha) so it was so worth it.

Anyway... if you ever pop up in the future I'm sure you'll have an awesome story to tell (one that's not being kidnapped and tortured), or at least I hope. I know Arthur would tell me if you had died but just cus you're not dead doesn't mean you're living you know? I mean just cus we don't KNOW you're dead doesn't mean you can't be dead? Or even if you're not dead I hope you're actually doing okay and not still fucked up. I don't know how far you got but I really hope you're not rotting all alone in some motel somewhere like you were doing here between graduating and leaving. I know you can be stubborn because I can be too but you'd get help if it came to that right? Even if it's not my help as long as it's help.

Art knocking gtg
3 Al

"Just because you're 21 doesn't mean you needed to order beer," Arthur tutted as he drove.

"It's a novelty!" Alfred exclaimed from his slumped position in the passenger seat. It had been a long day. "I can do it legally now-"

"Excuse me? Now? What are you implying?"

"Besides," Alfred ignored Arthur with a telling smirk. "You ordered beer!"

Arthur could argue, but his practised patience was paying off and he decided to let it go. He couldn't change what Alfred had done in the past... no one could change the past.

He breathed out a sigh and tightened his grip on the wheel.

"I'm surprised you can tolerate drinking anything other than water so soon. I saw how you were this morning... Aren't you ashamed you had to miss classes because you were so hungover?"

"I don't care about the missing class but damn after this morning I'm never getting that drunk again," Alfred groaned, still feeling the effects.

"Learn to say no to Gilbert's pressuring," Arthur smirked. "It's a pity you were blackout drunk because that likely means you can't remember that passionate kiss I was forced to witness between you and Francis-"

"WHAT?" Alfred lurched upright and the movement made him spin but he was too busy working himself into a frenzy because he needed the details and he really learnt his lesson about drinking because he felt worse the more energetic he got.

"-That didn't happen," Arthur corrected. "You just hit your head on the doorframe because you tried to hold the door open for him."

"Oh. So that's where that bruise came from..." Alfred muttered. But he shouldn't be disappointed because if he and Francis kissed he'd want to remember it...

The car pulled up in their driveway but Arthur didn't turn the engine off.

"You've never needed my approval before," he noted quietly. "So what's holding you back?"

"From what?"

"Don't tell me you're oblivious and I'm the one who has to help you realise your own feelings-" Arthur groaned. "Francis. It's obvious you like him. As much as he irritates me, well, it's not about me and I can tell he's... not that bad. Anyway, what's holding you back?"

"Uhhhhh," Alfred's eyes roamed around the car. "What makes you think I like like Francis? Like he's hot obviously but he's my friend so when I tell him he's sexy it's like in a friend way-"

"Why are you denying it? You told me, remember? I don't remember when but you told me you hated secrets and told me-"

"Oh yeah," Alfred chuckled sheepishly. "Oopsie. I forgor."

"Now what's holding you back?"

"I don't know?" Alfred shrugged and refused to think about it further than: "I'm a coward I guess? I know I've given Gil shit about waiting too long and uh, now look at his chances... Do you think if Gil had said something before he left that things might be different?"

Alfred didn't have to specify. No one ever had to. It was always just lingering at the back of their minds, no matter what distracted them.

"Who's to say? It's not good to linger on the past, Alfred."

"I know but... do you ever think about it?"

"Yes..." Arthur sighed and let his hands fall from the steering wall. "...All the time."

Alfred's mouth twisted as his vision became blurry and his eyes burned.

"Here's a hanky," Arthur mumbled as he held it out.

"I'm just hangover that's all," Alfred insisted as he took it anyway.

There was a moment of silence between them before Arthur broke it with a sigh of resolution.

"Alfred I need you to know how much you mean to me. We're all we have left and I need you to know I love you."

"Yeah, um, same," Alfred pushed past the embarrassment. Say the words. "I love you too."

Neither knew what to say after that and awkwardly waited for the other to pick up the conversation. But the talking had run its course.

"Can we go back in?" Alfred whispered. "I need to lay on the sofa or something."

"I just know you'll fall asleep and get a crick in your neck that you'll complain about all tomorrow," Arthur warned as he got out of the car anyway.

"I don't think I'll make it to my room," Alfred joked as he weakly swung the door shut. "I'm wasting away right now."

"You'll make it," Arthur said as he pushed Alfred ahead.

Arthur habitually locked the car, checked the letterbox before shutting the door behind them and turning off the porch light. Then he locked the front door and continued pushing Alfred through the house.

"You're bigger than me not so I won't be carrying you like when you were a child," Arthur added as he went through the stack of letters. Then he stopped.

"Look here, birthday mail," Arthur picked out the postcard from the objectively uninteresting mail. "Get ready for bed and I'll give it to you."

"Huh?" Alfred said eloquently. "Birthday mail? Who does that? My phone works."

"Well, do you want to see the postcard from..." Arthur paused to read, "-Niagara Falls or not?"

"Oh of course I do!" Alfred cheered and used the wall to walk over. "Who's it from?"

Arthur gave it a once over. "Doesn't say." He gestured for Alfred to go to his room. "In fact, there's no return address. Must've been written in a hurry."

"Ugh, great now I gotta think who it could be please don't make me think now it hurts."

"More than usual?"

Alfred groaned because he couldn't believe he set himself up like that.

"Yes I know you're very smart," Arthur reassured as he opened Alfred's bedroom door and ushered him in.

"Not smart enough to remember which friend travelled where after school. What it says might be a clue but I'm seriously going to crash soon."

"Well, you can read it in the morning and figure it out then with a sharper mind." Arthur helped his younger brother to bed and put the postcard on his nightstand.

"I'm tired but too tired to sleep," Alfred whined as he threw an arm over his face. "Arthur please help."

"What do you expect me to do about it?" Arthur sighed with exasperation, but gave into amusing his brother anyway. "Shall I knock you out?"

"Fuck it, why not."

Arthur rested his hand on Alfred's forehead.

"What?" Alfred moved his hand to stare questioningly.

"Just checking," Arthur replied dismissively.

Alfred was too tired to pester and just flopped his arm back onto his eyes with a huff.

"Wanna share my bed?"

"Will you throw up during the night?"

"Probably not," Alfred cringed. "I hope not. I won't drink big for a while now."

"I suppose I can't expect you to learn, can I?" Arthur sighed.

"Arthurrrrr," Alfred whined. "You have to be nice to me today..."

"Fine, let me get myself ready."

They had shared a bed a couple of times since... that first night. If there was a silver lining to all of this it was that Alfred felt like he was closer with Arthur. Even if they fought it wasn't personal and didn't last long. Maybe it was because of the tragedy but having to realise how important family was at such a young age...

Now Arthur was particularly aware of how much he needed Alfred and how it would destroy him if Alfred left. It certainly motivated him to think twice before doing anything that might incidentally drive Alfred away.

They lay in bed for a while but soon began whispering.

"You never told me what was stopping you from confessing to Francis," Arthur mused teasingly. "At least if you did I wouldn't have to see you embarrass yourself anymore."

"Um, what? Why?" suddenly Alfred was full of paranoia. "Am I super cringe? Fuck, is creepy and weird and cringe?!"

"You both are and you're dodging the question again," Arthur said shortly.

"Fine... but there isn't really an answer. Is 'I'm just a coward' an okay answer?"

"Fine, I see. You're close with his close friends. Gilbert knows, right?"

"Yeah I needed that inside scoop," Alfred jested. "Why?"

"Have you asked him to investigate how Francis feels?"

"I asked Gil to ask if Francis liked anyone ages ago but he would always say that Francis would just smirk and be secretive and say shit that implied he was hiding something but it was hard to tell if he was being serious or funny. And then Gilbert can't really push- it's just a delicate situation, okay?!"

"Is that all you've tried?" Arthur wanted to facepalm.

"Well?" Alfred made a noise that sounded like a verbal shrug. "If I fuck up that kinda ruins everything cus we have mutual friends so that would be awkward and then I would've lost Francis as a friend and how am I supposed to do anything when I don't know if he even wants a relationship with anyone at all or just wants to flirt with everyone in a joking kinda way-"

"There's a lot wrong with everything you just said. Starting with if he didn't like you back and you confessed, he'd only take it as a compliment, the narcissist. So you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, considering how obvious he makes himself even a dolt like you should be able to pick up that he likes you-"

"You only think that cus you don't understand what it's like to have a friend to fake flirt with. If he liked me back I'd know by now because, well, you know how he is."

"I do too have friends and I think you should sleep on the floor for that."

"Okay! Sor-ry!" Alfred huffed exaggeratedly, because he wasn't sorry at all. "But I mean the flirting thing is just a friend thing and he's just flirty in general so if it wasn't me flirting back it'd be someone else. Maybe you're just thinking he's flirting genuinely because I encourage it?"

"Well to me, it seems like he's only engaging in 'joke' flirting with you. I'll admit it used to irk me that he would torment such a large range of people but he's toned it down since. Honestly, do you need new frames? We could get your eyes check- OH MY GOD."

Arthur bolted up and almost fell out of the bed.

"What? What?!" Alfred tried to get a read of what the fuck his brother was thinking and reacting about despite the headache that spiked from Arthur's volume.

"Nothing, nothing, I just need to confirm something first-"

Arthur was getting angry at the covers as he struggled to rip them off before striding out of the room.

"Arthur what's wrong?" Alfred laughed awkwardly as he pushed himself to sit and turned on the lamp as he put on his glasses. "Did you leave the oven on or...?"

Too bad he was warm in that bed and very weak from his hangover or he'd go investigate whatever Arthur was rummaging in loudly in the other room.

"So what is it?" Alfred asked with increasing concern as Arthur stormed back in with eyes focused on another piece of paper. He snatched the postcard and held it to his face as if heavily scrutinizing the legitimacy of a monetary note. Clearly, it was serious and that just made Alfred more desperate to know.

"Arthur-"

"Read this-" Arthur was shoving the postcard in his face and Alfred's hand clumsily grabbed it.

"Okay but you better tell me what the fuck you're thinking after."

"Just read it."

Arthur's tone was short and after pulling a face Alfred did what his brother so kindly asked.

The back only had a short message reading "Happy 21st birthday Alfred 3" not signed by the sender and no return address. Alfred looked at the front, an artistic take on a photo of the iconic waterfall before handing it back to Arthur with a shrug.

"Clearly it was written in a hurry? Like you said maybe someone forgot it was my birthday and then forgot to sign-"

"No, no ugh no, I'm-" Arthur shook his head and after a moment of debate, handed the paper he held. "The handwriting. I need a second opinion and I'm sorry to do this to you, especially today of all days but I'm mostly sure- I'd have kept to myself if I was only partly sure- but perhaps I'm just being optimistic-"

Alfred unwillingly tuned out Arthur as he saw what the piece of paper was. His heart stopped and his vision formed a tunnel as his shaking fingers held Matthew's note... to Kuma. Suddenly his bed wasn't warm enough and his mouth was uncomfortably dry.

Alfred never wanted to see that note again.

"Why did you give me this?!" Alfred demanded, barely able to restrain himself from scrunching up the note and ditching it across the room. He wanted to, so badly but he couldn't bring himself to damage it. "I don't wanna fucking look at it!"

"Neither do I but just just look-!"

"Just tell me what you're thinking!" Alfred shouted.

"I just told you-!"

"No you didn't-!"

"Look at the handwriting. Look-!" Arthur grunted with frustration. "No, you're right I didn't tell you. Fine- I think Matthew sent this postcard."

Alfred was choking on his breath and watched as Arthur's shaking hands took the note and card, displaying them on the bed.

"Look at how the letters look the same, same strokes, same distance," Arthur's finger clumsily traced the letters. "And look at the heart. Think about it, you said it yourself. Who wouldn't text?"

Alfred's fingers clawed at his hair as his eyes jerked so fast between the comparisons that he was actually worried he might be sick. Arthur just sat stiffly with a hand clasped to his mouth.

After all this time... they had finally accepted they would never see or hear from Matthew again... that there was even a possibility that he wasn't alive...

And now there was this. Proof.

Tears wouldn't stop and suddenly he couldn't breathe.
It was a rough night.

Hey Mattie
I wanna say thanks for the postcard but what if it's not really from you? Arthur's gonna have some specialist look at the handwriting but he's already convinced. I guess I'm convinced too but I'm just feeling so so weird. But I should be happy right? Because now we have proof you aren't dead? So you're just alive out there somewhere and you don't want to come home but you remembered my birthday and sent me a card! Well of course you remember my birthday it's your birthday too and I really wish more than anything that I could say happy birthday to you because we're 21 fuck yeah and I'd throw the best party ever and of course you're invited! You'd be the guest of honour!

I know I'm rambling but I haven't been able to sit still since I got the card and I haven't been sleeping so I've been drinking nothing but energy drinks so don't ask what colour my piss is alright?

My hand is cramping and I can't sit and write anymore so I'm going to go but I really wish there was a way to let you know I got the card and that I'm so so sorry. I love you Mattie and I wish I could make you come back.
3 Al

Matthew,
Just when I got used to my mundane life you go and give me another challenge to overcome. Usually, that's something Alfred would do and there's been no shortage of challenges from him.

Regardless you have no idea how pleased I am to have tangible proof that you're alive. I've kept this to myself but some small part of me questioned if you were alive at all. Because there was a possibility that you had died but I never brought it up to anyone so no one would suffer like I was. Just because you hadn't been found dead didn't prove you were alive. You could've died in such a way that no one would discover your body for decades.

That thought kept me up often and there was nothing I could do to help or soothe myself. What if you had taken your life believing you were a burden and didn't want to burden us with the aftermath? I never gave up searching through the morgues but I kept it to myself.

Now that I've had time to calm down and think, I do wonder why you didn't give us proof that you were alive sooner? What have you been up to all these years if you weren't rotting away someplace lonely, forgotten? But that means that we really did drive you away and while you were here you felt lonely and forgotten and why would you return to that?

Forgive me for getting tears on the paper, it seems I'll never be able to broach this subject without composing myself fully.

I want you to know that you are loved and wherever you are, I hope you're happy at the very least, even if I do wish you'll come back to us. I'm ashamed to admit but I never knew how much I needed you until you were no longer in my life. I need you back Matthew.
Best wishes, Arthur.

How's it going Matte?
I say that like I'll ever find out. But who knows maybe you'll send another postcard and it'll say more and eventually you'll leave an address and we'll start as pen pals and then we'll bond and have some hard conversations but then everything will be fine and we'll organise to meet in person and then it'll be like these years never happened and we'll just pick up where we left off and you'll be perfectly fine. Arthur thinks I'm being unrealistic and getting my hopes up but so what if I am? I'm allowed to!

Since we're twins I'm supposed to trust you with anything so I think it's okay to write about this in here but since my party Francis hasn't stopped being touchy. I'm NOT complaining at all and I'm just doing it back without thinking but I really hope he can't tell how sweaty I am lol.

I've been studying hard and I'm kinda doing really well. Even Arthur said he's proud of me. I'm imaging that you'd be cheering me on, unless you don't care but you sent a postcard so you must, right? At least that means you don't hate us so I'll take that.

I'm going to go, I can't concentrate because Gil's blowing up my phone trying to get me to come over to Toni's saying it's an emergency but won't tell me what kinda emergency. Of course I'm gonna go, if my friends need me I'm there and if you ever need me I hope you still have my number. That's if you still have hope I can help you I guess. I know it's my fault you don't have faith in me and I'm so sorry. Anyways, I've gotta go but I still love you.
Gtg 3 Al