HAZBIN HOTEL: Augie's Story
featuring the voices of:
Elsie Lovelock/Erika Henningsen as Charlie Morningstar
Stephanie Beatriz as Vaggie
John DiMaggio as Augustine "Augie"
Michael Kovach/Blake Roman as Angel Dust
Thomas F. Wilson as Husk
Kimiko Glenn as Niffty
Amir Talai as Alastor
Christopher McCulloch as Sir Pentious
Faye Mata as Katie Killjoy
Josh Tomar as Tom Trench
Krystal LaPorte as Cherri Bomb
Steve Little as The Eggbois
Bet you never thought I'd do a story for THIS series, yeah? Well, surprise surprise, here we are! Formed from another collaboration with Jamtaro Kujo, here's our take on Hazbin Hotel. It's not gonna be a 1-to-1 transcription, we'll cut some stuff and expand on others.
First, here's our first new character: a pirahna demon named Augie, who I imagined with the voice of Dom DeLuise. In a way, he's Charlie's honorary uncle, and you can expect to see more of him as time goes on.
Design-wise, he was inspired by Piranha from Dreamworks' The Bad Guys, but took inspiration from some of his earlier designs as well.
We'll do some stand-alones and whatnot to focus on other characters more than they were focused on in the official series, but still, we hope you enjoy reading this one as much as we enjoyed writing it!
OK, let's take it from the top…and that means starting with introductions. My name is Augustine—Ma wanted another girl—but I prefer to be called "Augie". Ever since I was born, I learned the world will chew you up an' spit you out…especially if the world you're born into happens to be Hell.
My old man up and ducked out when I was seven, leaving behind not only me and Ma, but two older sisters. So I had to pick up the slack and get a job. So I did…seven jobs, in fact, while also havin' to go to school. Honestly, I've forgotten what a good night's sleep feels like.
Of course, when I was workin' as a shoeshine boy [yeah, even demons need a good shoeshine], that's when I met…him. Lucifer. But I'd come to call him "Boss". He liked my chutzpah, so he offered me a job working for him.
How could I refuse, really? I'd have been crazy not to take it! So we shook on it, and from then on, we were an unstoppable team.
Don't get me wrong, the big guy had a whole lotta crazy ideas…but in a lot of ways, he was like a little kid.
So…get this, the Lucifer guy, turns out…he's one of them Angels. You know, God's errand boys, 'be not afraid', all that ethereal stuff. Or at least, he USED to be.
I try to keep my involvement on the down-low, since these high-an'-flighty types don't take well to my kind. But then, the boss met this broad named Lilith, and they fell hard for each other.
But then, they tried givin' one a' those magic fruits to this lady called 'Eve'...and boy, did that ever blow up in their faces. After that, it was all over for Luci…his superiors gave him the walkin' papers and threw him out…and that was when I first met him.
Even if he was totally destitute, I still lent him a hand and decided to stick with him.
And then, we got one more. Can ya believe this? The boss was gonna be a father! And on the day that little girl was born, I became an honorary uncle. A veritable godfather. Not bad for a little fish in a big pond, eh?
Haven't seen the boss in ages, but now I'm livin' with his kid—a young lady by the name of Charlie. And no matter what, I'd do anything for that girl. She's like family to me…but better.
After all…what are uncles for, yeah?
PROLOGUE/ "That's Entertainment"
At the end of the rainbow, there's happiness.
And, to find it, how often I've tried.
But my life is a race. Just a wild goose chase.
And, my dreams…have all been denied. / Why have I always been a failure?
What can the reason be? / I wonder if the world's to blame?
I wonder if it could be me…
I'm always chasing rainbows. / Watching clouds drifting by.
My schemes are just like all my dreams. / Ending in the sky.
Some fellows look and find the sunshine.
I always look and find the rain.
Some fellows make a winning sometime…
I never even make a gain. / Believe me.
I'm always chasing rainbows.
Waiting to find a little bluebird... in vain.
The piranha demon gingerly wiped down his Walther P38 as he glanced at his "niece". "Hey, Chahlie…how ya holdin' up?" he asked.
"Can I be honest with you, uncle?" asked Charlie, wiping some of the tears from her face as she stood atop the balcony. "...not good."
"Hey…don't beat yourself up, okay?" Augie urged, scurrying over to pat her on the back. "We just gotta keep at it, y'know? If there's one value your old man taught me, it was persistence."
"But how can I stay persistent if no one else believes in my cause?" the princess asked.
"Then you keep on pushing anyway," Augie replied. "Even if nobody believes in you, you give them a REASON to believe! Besides, they have two options: possible eternal salvation, or bein' ripped to shreds by psycho exterminators. The thing about you, Chuck, is you care even when nobody else feels the need to. And that's what makes ya so damn amazing."
Charlie sniffled and wiped away more of her tears. "Thanks, Augie!" she said before embracing her surrogate uncle in a hug.
"Aw…" Augie smiled as he patted her on the back. "No problem, kid. It's what I'm here for."
Once she let go, Charlie slowly began to put herself back together. "I'm gonna clean myself up...I'm a mess!" she decided before she left the balcony.
Augie gave a nod, before he slid his gun into his holster and scurried in after her.
Later on, in the bathroom. Charlie washed her face and brushed her hair a few times to ensure she looked presentable. After all, she had a big interview that day.
Alright, Charlie. You can do this! She thought to herself while looking in the mirror. I can't back down in spite of the odds…just gotta be persistent! After all, we've got one guest already…and one's still better than none!
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door from Vaggie. "You ok in there, Charlie?" asked a voice.
"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine, Vaggie!" Charlie responded before she grabbed a towel and dried her face off.
"Just letting you know, the car's ready," the moth girl informed Charlie before walking away.
"Thanks, Vaggie!" called Charlie as she shook out her wrists, then opened the door. Taking a deep breath, she mentally steeled herself. "...showtime," she said as she made her way out of the restroom.
"Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy!" greeted a tall, very thin, white-skinned demon with a long neck.
"And I'm Tom Trench!" greeted her partner, a gas-mask-wearing demon in a suit. "Chaos out at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side between notable kingpin, Sir Pentious, and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse, Cherri Bomb!"
"That's right, Tom! After the recent Extermination, many areas are now up for grabs!" chirped Katie as her bones cracked. "Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!"
On the screen, it showed a clip of Sir Pentious and Cherri duking it out in the middle of town.
"Those two seem to be really going at it, huh?" asked Tom.
"Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail…" Katie said as she fished out a tooth and a nail from her mug of coffee. "...for that hot spot!" And then she ate both of them. Curious.
"And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot!" grinned Tom as he wiggled his eyebrows while the clip focused on Cherri.
Katie let off a fake laugh—like, one of those pissy little, phony laughs you put on at a party. "Haha, you are a limp-dick jackass, Tom! Or should I say—" She immediately dumped her scalding hot coffee onto his crotch. "...no-dick?"
Tom fell to the floor, clutching his seared sausage and burnt beans. "Ugh...not again!" he winced.
Then, the display brought up a shot of Charlie while Tom laid on the ground in pain.
"Coming up next: we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell's own head honcho who's here to discuss her brand new passion project!" Katie continued without missing a beat. "All that and more, after the break!" she finished, shattering her mug in her hand. Then, she rounded on her injured colleague [although maybe calling him her colleague is being too nice]. "Suck it up, you little bi—!"
Meanwhile, Charlie, Vaggie and Augie were backstage, making their last minute preparations. Vaggie was adjusting Charlie's bow tie, while Augie was getting into his robot suit [think the robot suit the Brain would often employ in Pinky and the Brain]. After all, he wanted to look professional.
"Okay…" said Vaggie, exhaling. "You remember what to say?"
Charlie took a deep breath, and smiled. "Yes! Let's do this!" she replied.
Vaggie placed her hands on Charlie's shoulders. "Just look at me and I'll mouth it to you," she said.
"Come on, Vaggie!" groaned Charlie. "I know what to say! I just feel like we need to...I don't know, make things sound more exciting!" She let out a gasp. "Ooooh! What if I si—"
The moth demon immediately cut her girlfriend off. "Sing a song about it?" she finished.
Charlie grinned. "You knew I was gonna say that!" she gushed, booping Vaggie on the nose.
"Because I know you," the moth demon said as she fixed Charlie's bow again. "But, please don't sing! This is serious!"
Charlie went over to the side. "Well, you knoooow, I'm better at expressing myself and my goals through song!" she exclaimed.
"But life isn't a musical, Hon," insisted Vaggie.
"Fine, but I have these other ideas of what to say," said Charlie, pulling out a piece of paper. "The highlighted bits are the best parts~!"
Augie and Vaggie looked over the paper. "Uh...it's all highlighted," Vaggie said.
"Seems like there's a bit of a theme here," mused Augie. "But that's why I brought my sax."
Vaggie checked the bottom of the page. "...is that a drawing?" she asked.
"Yes! That's the happy ending, see?!" Charlie gushed. "Everyone smiling and happy in Heaven!"
Augie gave a small sigh. "Aw, kid…try not to get'cher hopes up, okay?" he asked.
Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't think it's that simple. Just please follow the talking points we went over," she informed her. "And do not sing!"
"Okay, fiiiine," relented Charlie, before she started talking with a British accent. "I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills!"
And she strode over.
Vaggie facepalmed, before turning to Augie. "Please make sure they don't eat her alive up there," she instructed.
"Vagatha, I'm hurt, really," said Augie. "After all, piranhas can strip a cow's flesh in seconds…if ANYONE's gonna be doing the eating, it'll be me."
Charlie walked up to Katie and introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Charlie." She said as she held her hand out.
"Katie Killjoy," the reporter scoffed as she took a puff of her cigarette. "I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie. And you can put that away," she sneered, gesturing at Charlie's hand. "I don't touch the gays. I have standards!"
"Is everything alright over here?" Augie asked, joining the two. "No trouble, I hope?"
"N-no, Uncle!" Charlie insisted, a little sweaty. "None at all!"
"Ok! Cotton Candy, Tuna Roll, let's get something straight here," Katie sniffed dismissively as she began poking Charlie's chest and nose. "You're not here because we wanted you here. You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his cannibal cooking segment."
Augie looked at the nearby billboard and snickered.
"You might be some royal big shot…" Katie sneered as she fluffed her hair. "...but that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing demon 'princess' wants to advertise!" she mocked, doing air quotes.
Augie snarled, briefly fluctuating between sizes. "Watch it, you arthritic stick-bug!" he snarled.
"Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots, guppy," Katie sniffed. "So, don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking bury you, and have your little fish for an appetizer."
"And we're live!" called one of the staff members, as Katie ran over to her desk and grabbed some papers.
"Welcome back!" Katie exclaimed, putting on another bogus smile. "So, Charlotte...!"
"It's...Charlie," the demon princess smiled nervously as a spotlight flashed her way.
"Whatever," Katie brushed this off. "Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about!" she gripped her pen like a vise to contain her aggravation.
Charlie looked around as Vaggie motioned her to go on, and Augie gave her a firm, confident nod.
"Well…" she began. "As most of you know, I was born here in Hell and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me."
As Charlie talked, Katie spotted a slug and stabbed it with her pen, making the slug's blood burst all over.
"Hell is my home, and—" Charlie continued, wiping off the slug blood splattered across her cheek. "...you are my people. We...we just went through another Extermination."
Augie nodded in affirmation. "Nasty stuff, really. Lost a lotta good bad men that day."
Vaggie gave the two a thumbs-up, while Katie grew more and more bored.
"We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given a chance!" exclaimed Charlie. "I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through...redemption? Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve!"
"Here it comes..." beamed Augie.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind—a hotel that rehabilitates sinners!" Charlie exclaimed...only to be met with silence.
And not just from the studio…but all around. From everyone who was watching the news at that time.
"Y'know? 'Cause hotels are for people passin' through…" Charlie explained, beginning to lose steam. "...temporarily…"
Vaggie looked around. It was pretty clear that nobody really believed in this.
"I think it'll serve a purpose...a place to work toward redemption…"Charlie continued. "...yay…"
"Stupid bitch," snickered the cameraman, and then Vaggie punched him right in the face.
Charlie looked around, saddened. "Look, every single one of you has something good, deep down inside. I know you do!" she insisted. "...Maybe I'm not getting through to you."
Augie glanced over to Charlie's two other demon attendants, Razzle and Dazzle. "OK, boys—it's show time!" he whispered.
The two goat-like creatures flew over. Vaggie saw this, and sighed. "...oh, no…"
As Charlie snapped her fingers, the room went dark before she was suddenly atop a piano, next to Augie, who was readying his saxophone.
I have a dream,
I'm here to tell
About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel
Yes, it's one of a kind, right here in Hell
Catering to a specific clientele
(Oooh-ooh-ooh)
AUGIE: That means scumbags like yoooooou~
As the song continued, Augie started playing his saxophone.
Inside of every demon is a rainbow!
Inside every sinner is a shiny smile!
Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac,
Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child!
We can turn them 'round!
They'll be Heaven-bound!
With just a little time down at the Happy Hotel!
And when the tempo switched to more punk rock, Augie swapped his sax for a guitar.
So, all you junkies, freaks, and weirdos,
Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeroes,
And downfallen superheroes, hope is here!
All of you cretins, sluts, and losers,
Sexual deviants and boozers
And prescription drug abusers
Need not fear!
Forever again
We'll cure your sin
We'll make you well, you'll feel so swell
Right here in Hell, at the Happy Hotel!
There'll be no more fire,
And no more screams
Just puppy dog kisses, and cotton candy dreams
And puffy-wuffy clouds, you're gonna be like "Wow!"
Once you check in with meeeee~!
So, all your cartoon porn addictions,
Vegan rants, psychic predictions,
Ancient Roman crucifixions
End right here!
All you monsters, thieves, and crazies,
Cannibals and crying babies,
Frothing mouth that's full of rabies,
Filled with cheer!
You'll be complete!
It'll be so neat!
Our service can't be beat!
You'll be on easy street! (Yes!)
Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel~!
(Yeah!)
Augie topped off the performance by smashing his guitar dynamically, then throwing his fists up in the 'devil horns' signs.
And yet…everyone else remained silent.
"Wow!" exclaimed one demon, breaking the silence. "...That was shit!"
All at once, everyone burst into uproarious laughter, as though this was the funniest thing they'd ever seen!
Charlie looked absolutely devastated as she slumped down in her seat, while Augie came over to comfort her.
"What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person?!" Katie wheezed amidst her laughter. "You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good?! Just...because?!"
"No, she wants them to be good so they don't have to be hunted down like animals, you crackling, cancerous cu—" Augie thundered, before Charlie cut him off.
"Uncle…" she urged, before turning back towards Katie. "Well, we have a patron already, who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress!"
"Oh?" Katie asked, faking shock. "And who might that be?"
Charlie was a little bit back in control. "Oh, just someone named...Angel Dust!"
Tom raised a brow. "The porn star?"
Katie turned to him with a slow, sickening crack. "You fucking would, Tom~" she snipped before turning back to Charlie with another crack. "In any case, that's not even an accomplishment. I'm sure you could get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube!" she then proceeded to make a jerking up-and-down hand gesture.
"Oh, I beg to differ!" declared Charlie. "He's been well-behaved, clean, and out of trouble for 2 weeks now."
BREAKING NEWS!
"...Charlie, have you ever heard of tempting fate?" Augie asked.
Katie smirked as she pushed Charlie off the desk. "We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let's go to the live feed."
And as the live feed came up, it showed Angel Dust and one of his friends, Cherri Bomb, duking it out with Sir Pentious.
"I'm a ba-a-a-a-ad person!" the spider-demon called gleefully.
Charlie's face fell. "Ohhhh…shit," she exclaimed.
"That's it," said Augie. "I'm gonna kill him."
"You can have what remains," said Vaggie. "If I even LEAVE anything of him."
"'Oh, shit' indeed!" Katie grinned, and this time, it was genuine sadistic joy. "It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than *fake-gasp*...porn actor, Angel Dust!" she rounded on Charlie. "What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid right now."
And so she and Tom laughed with wicked glee. "Ratings~!" they sang in unison.
Charlie stared at the live feed in horror, before she attempted in vain to block it from the audience's view. "Don't look at this!" she screamed, mortified.
"Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival," Katie sneered, looming over Charlie like a cloud of dread. "Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure?"
As Charlie looked around, it became clear that things were spinning out of control. Everyone was laughing at her—even LOUDER this time!
"Oh, yeah? Well...well..." she struggled to say before she snatched a pen off of Katie's desk. "How does it feel that I got your pen, huh? BITCH!"
As everyone stopped laughing, Katie crackled back around to Charlie and gave her the great-granddaddy of all death stares.
The demon princess chuckled nervously as she rested the pen back onto the desk, while Katie shifted into her demon form, with lots of cracking and twisting noises.
Augie shifted his feet and cracked his knuckles. "I've been waitin' to box this bitch myself ever since I got in here!" he exclaimed.
SOME TIME LATER…
Needless to say, things didn't turn out too well. Charlie looked utterly humiliated, Augie was trying to do repairs on his suit, and Vaggie was glaring daggers at Angel, who busied himself by making the window go up and down. Over…and over…and over.
Vaggie glared daggers at Angel. If looks could kill, folks, there's no telling how many times over he'd have been dead.
By now, Angel started to take notice. "...what?" he asked.
" 'What? 'WHAT?!' What were you DOING?!" Vaggie bellowed as she ripped out some of her hair.
Angel sighed. "I owed my girl buddy a solid! Isn't that a 'redeeming quality'?" he asked, doing air quotes. "Helping friends with stuff?"
"NOT in turf wars that result in territorial genocide!" Vaggie shouted.
"Eh, ya win some, ya lose a few hundred," Angel cackled. "It wasn't that bad, anyway." And he went back to playing with the window…before Vaggie threw a knife at it.
"You got a lot of nerve pullin' that kinda crap!" snapped Augie.
"Aw, come on! I had to!" Angel insisted as he brushed back his hair. "My credibility was on the line! I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if people found out I was tryna go clean? It just throws out my entire persona!"
"Your credibility? What about the hotel's?" Vaggie asked furiously. "Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke!"
"No, no, no, babe. Jokes are funny! I made you look...uh, sad! And pathetic!" Angel responded. "Like an orphan...with no arms...or legs...Oh! With progeria!" his grin vanished soon after. "Great! Now I'm bummed thinkin' about it!" his eyes started darting around the limousine. "This thing have any liquor yet?"
"No, it does not," Augie remarked dryly. "It was dry the first time you asked, and it's dry THIS time…"
TWO WEEKS AGO…
[NOW ENTERING FLASHBACK ZONE. THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE HERE AS WELL. PLEASE WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE ENTERING.]
NOTE: This is adapted from the Hazbin Hotel prequel comic, Dirty Healings.
As the limo drove down the road, Charlie, Vaggie, and Augie hadn't made any progress in finding recruits to attend the Hotel. But when they saw a spider demon standing out on the side corner, they decided to pull over and stop.
As the window rolled down, Angel decided to turn on the charm. "Well, hey there. See—" he began, before he noticed who was inside. "Oh. Whoa, now! For ladies, I charge extra!"
"NO, NO-NO-NO!" insisted Charlie, sticking half of herself out the window. "We don't want any of that! I was wondering if we could talk to you real quick?"
"I'm on the clock, sister," Angel replied. "Ya gotta pay if ya want to waste my time."
Charlie opened the door with a smile. "Oh, yes! Sure, I can do that!" she replied.
Glancing over, Angel just shrugged and got inside. "Ya got any booze in this fancy-ass car?" he asked, looking around.
Vaggie turned and looked at Charlie. "Are you SURE this is the one you want to talk to?" she asked.
Angel was sprawled out on the seat, casually smoking a cigarette with a flirty look on his face.
Charlie nodded. "Yes, he's good," she replied, unflinching. "I can tell."
Once Angel was made comfortable, he glanced up. "So what's what?" he asked. "Like I said, I'm on the clock."
"Weeeeell…" Charlie gushed, mushing cheeks with Vaggie.
"What is your name…Mister?" asked Vaggie.
"Angel. Angel Dust," replied the spider demon. "...the porn star? I'm kinda famous here, bitch."
Vaggie glared. "Was that necessary?" she asked.
"Nah," Angel shrugged. "But those words just tend ta slip outta me."
"My name is Vaggie," the moth demon introduced herself. "This is Charlie, and—"
"LIKE 'VAGINA'?!" Angel exclaimed as he covered his mouth.
"...and the fish in the suit is her Uncle Augie," Vaggie finished.
"Thank you, Vagatha," responded Augie as he took a bow. Angel snorted.
"We have a proposition for you," Vaggie began, as Augie took out some drawings that he and Charlie did. "Your princess, Charlie here, has repurposed one of her family's buildings into a rehabilitation center for souls like you who we think have a chance at redemption."
"Y'see, our goal is to get a damned soul into Heaven!—at least one—just to prove it is possible," Augie finished.
"So, is it?" asked Angel.
"That's just it," replied Vaggie. "We haven't figured it out yet."
Angel rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh…riiiight," he responded.
"BUT!" Charlie piped up. "We want you to be our first test subject!"
"Why me?" asked Angel.
"Because you seem like someone who regrets his life choices and would be interested in self-reflection and bettering himself," said Charlie.
Angel visibly winced, before Vaggie pushed Charlie gently aside.
"Because we have been talking to demons all day and nobody has agreed to it yet," she said.
This time, Angel couldn't hold in his laughter. He let it out, long and hard, rolling around as he clutched his sides.
"Look, you will get free meals, free housing, and protection from Hell's constant hazards," explained Vaggie. "That is, IF you agree to attend what activities we plan…and genuinely attempt to rectify your behavior."
By now, Angel had stopped laughing. "Sounds lame," he remarked.
Vaggie was glaring daggers at him, ready to rip him limb from limb.
"Aw…" Charlie said, hugging Vaggie with an audible SQUEEK noise. "You can't tell me you enjoy standing on the side of the street, waiting for someone to pay to—" …she got a little embarrassed. "...ya know…"
Angel smirked. "I don't know," he replied. "Please. Finish that sentence."
"Eugh…Charlie, he's not a good candidate," Vaggie said. "We'll just look again tomorrow."
"HEY!" Angel protested. "Who said I'm not a good pick? I'm the BEST pick! You broads don't know me! I could be whatever I wanna be!"
Vaggie then got up in Angel's face. "Then PROVE it," she said, jabbing him in the chest floof.
For what seemed like an eternity, the moth and spider demons glared into each other's eyes.
"...I'm in," Angel finally spoke up.
"REALLY?" Charlie gushed.
"Really," mused Vaggie.
"Yeah, I'm also 3 months behind on my rent, and so free housin' sounds fuckin' good t'me," Angel shrugged. "Plus it'll be nice to not hafta suck the greasy landlord's dick every month."
Vaggie's face was utterly deadpan. "...charming…" she commented dryly.
Angel did some stretches. "Anyway, if that's all, then I guess I should prolly get back to work today, at least," he replied. "If you gals ain't payin' for playin', I still need to make about—"
His response was cut off when Charlie plopped a fat stack of money in his hands.
Angel looked at it as though it were a bomb. "...what is this?" he asked.
"Money," said Augie.
"For…?" Angel prompted.
"Helping us!" Charlie smiled.
Angel looked blankly at her. "...this is a trick," he remarked flatly.
"No, this is an investment in you," Charlie told him. "There's a lot more to you than what you think there is. We want to help you."
Angel stared at her for a few minutes, before he put on his mask of bravado. "Pffft, okay. I mean, I don't really NEED any help, so…yeah. Okay…well, um, thanks. We'll be in touch, eh?"
As he stepped out of the limo, Charlie shook his hand. "Yes, and thank you," she said before closing the door, and the limo drove off.
"...sure," Angel said, watching them go.
[WE ARE NOW EXITING THE FLASHBACK ZONE. REPEAT, NOW EXITING THE FLASHBACK ZONE. TAKE ALL BELONGINGS WITH YOU BEFORE YOU GO.]
"And now, you're taking this opportunity you've been given, and just throwing it away!" Augie exclaimed, throwing his arms up. "What happened to being 'the best pick'?"
"Well, I…" Angel struggled to answer.
"If you don't actually care about redemption, if you really think this is a waste of time…" Augie began.
"Then the door's right there!" Vaggie finished, pointing to the sides of the limo.
"Surprisingly, that was exactly what I was gonna say," Augie commented.
After a while, Charlie mustered up the courage to speak. "That was really uncool, ya know, Angel."
" 'UNCOOL'?!" Vaggie sputtered. "After that train-wreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel! All thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!"
"Does that mean I don't have a free room anymore?" asked Angel.
"Well, if this doesn't succeed…then it looks like you'll be fresh out of a place to crash," Augie responded dryly.
"Ahh, well shucks!" the spider demon snapped his fingers.
"Hey…come on," said Charlie, taking off her ruined jacket. "We don't know if things are over yet! Try to relax, Vaggie," she put a hand on Vaggie's left shoulder. "I-it'll be okay!"
Vaggie gave a small smile to her girlfriend, whose constant optimism and confidence she would either pity or envy…it depended on the day.
Now, the hotel, you see, wasn't exactly ready for customers…of any kind. At worst, it was a death trap. At best…it was a nice death trap that would make for a lovely home.
Vaggie threw herself onto the couch with a groan, Augie flopped down next to her, and Angel went over to a nearby freezer, then got out a popsicle.
"Eh, it's probably a good idea to get some actual food in this place," he said as he began sucking on it. "Y'know, to feed all the wayward souls you got in here!" He chuckled for a while, before he noticed how bummed out Charlie looked. He thought of comforting her…then thought better of it.
Augie watched as Charlie stepped out to make a call, and sighed. She was going to call Lilith.
Lilith wasn't exactly an attentive mother, really. I mean, she was at least there for Charlie, and there were some good times—but it had been seven years since the last time they'd seen her, and Charlie had tried to keep up with her, but all she'd gotten was her answering machine.
Once Charlie finished her phone call, she came back into the room.
"You alright, kiddo?" Augie asked.
"Yeah, I'm alright," said Charlie, trying to keep a positive expression on her face. "Still no answer from Mom, though."
"...it went to the answering machine, didn't it?" Augie sighed. This had happened the last time Charlie had tried to call Lilith, too.
The demon princess simply nodded.
"...Charlie…" Augie said, reaching for her, but before he could pat her, there came a knock at the door "Hang on, it looks like we got company."
After some hesitation, Charlie got up and went to answer the door. As soon as she opened it, standing in the doorway she saw a 7-foot-tall, thin demon who was mostly red, apart from his beige-colored skin parts. He bore a broad smile full of sharp, yellow teeth, a pinkish-red cropped, angled bob-cut with black tips at the ends and two large, black tipped tufts of hair extending from the top of his head, evoking the ears of a deer. The style had an undercut at the back, and two small black antlers protruding from the crown.
His eyes were wide, red, and glowing.
The second Charlie and Augie saw him, their blood ran cold.
"Hel—" he began, before…
SLAM!
Charlie and Augie glanced at each other, before the former opened the door again.
"—lo!" he finished, before…
SLAM [AGAIN]!
"...hey, Vaggie?" asked Charlie, trying to remain calm.
"What?" groaned Vaggie.
"The Radio Demon's at the door," said Charlie.
"WHAT?!" Vaggie exclaimed.
"The who?" Angel asked, fishing his popsicle from his mouth.
"WHADDO WE DO?!" asked Augie.
"Well, don't let him in!" Vaggie replied.
Glancing towards the door, Charlie disregarded Vaggie's advice and approached the entrance, then opened the door.
"May I speak now?" asked the aptly-titled 'Radio Demon'.
Charlie nodded. "You may…"
"Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart! Quite a pleasure!" he exclaimed, shaking hands with Charlie, pulling her towards him and letting himself in. "Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on the picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929!" he laughed as he played with his microphone staff. "Sooo many orphans~!"
"Stop right there!" said Vaggie as she pointed her spear right in Alastor's face. "¡Cabrón hijo de perra! I know your game, and I'm not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you pompous, cheesy talk show shit-lord!"
Alastor chuckled. "Oh, my dear; if I wanted to hurt anyone here...I would've done so already...No! I'm here because I want to help!" he exclaimed.
Charlie was, to say the least, baffled. "Say what now?" she asked.
"Help!" laughed Alastor. "Hello? Is this thing on?" he tapped on his mike. "Testing, testing!"
The microphone opened its eye. "Well, I heard you loud and clear!" it squeaked.
"Um, you want to help? With...?" began Charlie, as Alastor teleported behind them.
"This ridiculous thing you're trying to do!" he crowed. "This hotel! I want to help you run it."
"Uhhhh…why?" the demoness asked.
"Why does anyone do anything?" asked Alastor. "Sheer, absolute boredom! I've lacked inspiration for decades. My work became mundane, lacking focus, aimless! I've come to crave a new form of entertainment!"
"Does getting into a fistfight with a reporter count as entertainment...?" asked Charlie, sheepish.
Alastor just laughed. "It's the purest kind, my dear: Reality! True passion!" he declared. "After all, the world is a stage, and the stage is a world of entertainment."
"So does that mean you think a damned soul can be redeemed ?" asked Charlie hopefully.
"Of course not! That's wacky nonsense!" Alastor said, shaking his head. "Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!"
"So, then…why do you wanna help me if you don't believe in my cause?" asked Charlie.
"Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!" declared the Radio Demon as he pulled Charlie close to him and twirled her. "I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment, only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure!"
"I take it you're a big fan of ol' Sisyphus," Augie commented.
Charlie removed Al's hand from her back. "Riiiight…" she drawled.
"Yes, indeedy!" exclaimed Alastor as he grabbed her by the waist and dragged her offscreen. "I see big things coming your way, and who better to help you than I?..."
While they were talking, Augie made some notes to order more food for the place while Angel and Vaggie were on the couch.
"So...uh, what's the deal with Smiles over there?" the spider-demon inquired.
Vaggie blinked. "Wait, you've never heard of him before?" she asked.
Angel Dust shrugged cluelessly.
"The Radio Demon?" asked Vaggie. "One of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?"
"The announcer of agonies?" Augie clarified. "The Kasem of Calamity?"
Angel Dust shrugged again. "Eh, not big on politics."
Vaggie let out a groan before she began her tale. "Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight. He began to topple Overlords who have been dominant for centuries. That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell just so everyone could witness his ability. Sinners started calling him 'The Radio Demon'—as lazy as that is. Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world's most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing's for sure: He's an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we can't risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased!"
"Ya done?" asked Angel. "He looks like a strawberry pimp!"
Vaggie crossed her arms. "Well, I don't trust him!" she insisted.
"To be fair, do you trust any man? Any men?" asked Angel. "Men?"
Augie gave a cough into his fist in response.
Vaggie grabbed Charlie by the shoulder and pulled her over. "Charlie, listen to me. You can't believe this creep! He isn't just a happy face—he's a deal-maker! Pure evil!" she insisted. "He can't be redeemed! ...And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we're trying to do!"
Charlie looked conflicted. "I…" she sighed. "We don't know that! Look, I know he's bad, and I know he probably doesn't wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can't. It goes against everything I'm trying to do. Everything I believe in. Just...trust me. I can take care of myself!"
"Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!" begged Vaggie.
"Don't worry, I picked up one thing from my dad," replied Charlie. "You don't take shit from other demons!" she said in an impression of her father's voice, before she went over to Alastor. "Okay, so, Al. You're sketchy as fuck and you clearly see what I'm trying to do here as a joke…"
Alastor tilted his head, hoping for an "and" or a "but" to be added on.
"But, I don't…" said Charlie. "I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I'm taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no... tricks or voodoo strings attached."
Alastor rolled his eyes at that last statement. "So, it's a deal, then?" he asked, twirling his mic staff and presenting his hand for a handshake as green energy flowed throughout the hotel.
Charlie, fortunately, refused his handshake. "Nope! No shaking! No deals! I...hmm…" she said. "As princess of Hell and heir to the throne, I, uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel. For as long as you desire. Sound fair?"
Alastor rubbed his chin. "Hmm…" he mused, before he retracted his mic staff. "Fair enough!"
Charlie sighed in relief. "Cool beans," she smiled.
Alastor hummed to himself, while looking around as he stopped in front of Vaggie. "Smile, my dear!" he exclaimed, tickling the underside of her chin. "You know you're never fully dressed without one!" He walked away, glancing around the main room. "So where is your hotel staff?"
Charlie sheepishly rubbed the back of her head. "Uh, well—" she started, gesturing to Augie and Vaggie, the latter of who was glaring daggers at Alastor.
The Radio Demon adjusted his monocle. "Ohohoho, you're going to need more than that," he said as he walked towards Angel Dust. "And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?"
Angel looked up with a smile. "I can suck ya dick!" he replied.
"HAH!" Alastor crowed. "...no."
"Your loss," Angel smirked.
"And you, little sharp-toothed fellow, what are YOUR skills?" Alastor asked, turning to Augie.
"I'm a damn good cook, and I handle the pipes," said Augie.
"That's certainly a very useful skillset, my gilled friend." the radio demon recognized. "Still, we're a bit…understaffed. I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!"
At the snap of his finger, a new fireplace had replaced the hotel's worn-down one; as Alastor approached it, he picked out a mysterious figure covered in soot, which then opened its eye and stared at the quartet behind him.
"This little darling is Niffty!" Alastor introduced, as the diminutive creature blinked and scurried to its feet, shaking off the soot.
"Hi, I'm Niffty! It's nice to meet you!" she chirped. "It's been a while since I've made new friends!" she looked over and glanced at the four. "Why're you all women?"
"OK, I can understand mistaking him for one," said Augie, pointing at Angel. "But I'm NOT female!"
Niffty paid him no heed as she lifted Charlie up effortlessly. "Are there any men here?!" she asked, before putting Charlie down. "I'm sorry, that's rude. Oooh, man! This place is filthy! It really needs a lady's touch!" she exclaimed as she grabbed a spider and crushed it. "Which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense."
"Once again, not offended," said Augie. "Because again, NOT A FEMALE!"
Again, Niffty paid him no heed, as she took out a feather duster. "Oh, my gosh! This is awful!" she exclaimed before she started speedily cleaning throughout the hotel. "Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!" She then spotted a cockroach and stabbed it with a sewing pin. "Nope!"
"Boy…she sure is enthusiastic," commented Augie.
"Isn't she though," beamed Alastor. "I think one more ought to do it, though!"
Suddenly, in a second flash, a cat demon appeared, standing behind a table—and apparently in the middle of a card game.
"Hah! Read 'em and weep, boys! Full Ho—" he started, before looking around. "...tel? What the fuck is this?" As he looked around and spotted Alastor, he let off an angry snarl. "You!"
Alastor strode over and draped an arm over his shoulder. "Ah, Husker, my good friend! Glad you could make it!" he beamed.
"Don't you 'Husker' me, you son of a bitch!" exclaimed the cat demon. "I was about to win the whole damn pot!"
And like that, the jackpot disappeared into nothingness.
Alastor wasn't even fazed. "Good to see you too!" he replied.
Husk facepalmed angrily. "What the hell do you want with me this time...?" he asked.
"My friend, I am doing some charity work so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services!" Alastor blared. "I hope that's okay!"
"Are you shittin' me?!" snapped Husk.
"Hmm…" Alastor pretended to think it over. "No, I don't think so!"
But Husk would have none of it, and he shoved Alastor off. "You thought it would be some kind of big friggin' riot just to pull me out of nowhere?!" he snapped. "You think I'm some kind of fuckin' clown?!"
Alastor just kept right on grinning. "Maybe!"
"I ain't doing no stupid charity job," snapped Husk, right before Alastor popped up behind him.
"Well, I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment!" exclaimed Alastor, gesturing at the bar counter. "With your charming smile…" he pulled Husk's lips into a forced smile. "... and welcoming energy, this job was made for you! Don't worry, my friend…"
Alastor strode over to the bar. "I can make this more welcoming!...if you wish," he finished, conjuring up a bottle of Cheap Booze.
Husk stared at it like it was the most important thing in the world. "What? You think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?!" he snapped, grabbing the booze and glancing at it, "...well, you can!" And he started chugging.
"Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! No!" snapped Vaggie. "No bar, no alcohol! This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of mouth…brothel…man-cave!"
Before she could gripe further, Angel launched himself at Vaggie, tackling her to make her stop.
"SHUT UP! SHUT! THE FUCK! UP!" he hissed. "We are keeping this!" And then he sat at the stool atop the bar. "Hey~" he said seductively as he got close to Husk.
Husk didn't look up from the glass he was cleaning. "Go fuck yourself," he retorted.
Angel smirked. "Only if you watch me~" he purred.
"Oh, my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel!" gushed Charlie. "You are going to love it here!" she tried to go for a handshake.
Husk just stared at her. "I lost the ability to love years ago," he retorted before he continued to down his booze.
"So, whaddaya think?" asked Alastor.
"This is amazing!" gushed Charlie.
Vaggie crossed her arms. "It's...okay," she replied.
"Yer an odd fellow, but you get the job done," Augie commented.
Alastor laughed as he reeled the three towards him. "This is going to be very entertaining!"
You have a dream,
You wish to tell,
And it's just laughable
But, hey kid, what the hell?
'Cause you're one of a kind,
A charming demon belle!
Now, let's give these burning fools a place to dwell
Take it, boys!
(Ha-ha!)
Boo!
Inside of every demon is a lost cause
(Ha)
But we'll dress them up for now with just a smile
Wicked smiles~!
And we'll chlorinate this cesspool
With some old redemption flair
And show these simpletons some proper class and style
Class and Style!
(Oh!)
Here below the ground,
I'm sure your plan is sound
They'll spend a little time
Down at this Hazbin Ho—!
BOOM!
Suddenly, the hotel door exploded, ending the music and catching Niffty right in the face, sending her flying out of frame. Charlie, Alastor, Angel Dust, Augie, and Vaggie looked outside.
Up in the air was none other than Sir Pentious, piloting his fearsome flying machine.
"There you are! Harboring the stripp-ed freak! Looks like we meet again, Alastor!" the snake demon called out.
"Do I know you?" asked the radio demon, taunting his old foe.
"Oh, yes you do!" snapped Sir Pentious, trying to cover his deflated ego while his hood flared open. "And this time, I have the element of SURPRISE!" he cackled as he pulled a lever, unleashing a giant jet turbine from beneath his airship. "I'm SO EVIL!"
With a snap of a finger, an otherworldly dimensional portal suddenly opened with tentacles and shadow demons emerging from it, and proceeded to destroy Sir Pentious' ship while he was inside. Alastor finished the job as he clenched his fist with a menacing grin, while the others looked on in horror.
"...Well, I'm starved! Who wants some Jambalaya?" he chirruped, back to his jolly self without missing a beat.
"I could eat, yeah," nodded Augie, as he and the others headed back inside.
"My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for Jambalaya. In fact, it nearly killed her!" guffawed Alastor. "You could say the kick was right out of Hell! Ohoho, I'm on a roll! Yes, sir! This is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now…"
And with one last gesture, Alastor changed the sign atop the hotel from "Happy Hotel" to "Hazbin Hotel".
"...Stay tuned~" he chuckled wickedly.
So that was Day One-ish…not too bad, yeah? Alright, so we weren't exactly off and running, but…at the very least, we're off to a good start. And personally, I think Charlie's got what it takes.
Now if only she could be a little more assertive…then she'd be unstoppable!
END PROLOGUE!
[Cue: Heavy Metal rendition of "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow"]
COMING NEXT: OVERTURE!