I have not written fanfiction for Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman in almost nineteen years. But was inspired by reconnecting with a fandom friend from the old days yesterday, to try. She doesn't know I wrote this, but if she reads it, I hope she knows that I have always been inspired by her writing skill and her willingness to go deeper with her stories. And seeing her pick up her Dr. Quinn fandom quill again, made me want to try to do so myself.
A few notes on this story:
I did want to acknowledge that having the lost/any second biological baby for Michaela and Sully be a boy that they name Josef is a fandom trope/almost a given at this point. I did not rock this boat, but tried to make my Josef different from those I remembered from other writers. However, it has been nearly two decades since I was active in the fandom and if my Josef is similar to any or many others, I apologise, that was not my intention. All my respect to the wonderful authors that have created great and varied Josef Sullys before mine
Content Warning: !This story features a few references to the miscarriage Michaela experienced in canon in season 6 and is composed of a visit from that child. I have never been pregnant and thus have not suffered such a devastating loss like the one that fictional Michaela or that other real pregnant people have. I only hope that I have handled the subject with the respect and care that I intended. Please be mindful of the topics discussed in this story before one reads as I do not wish to bring up pain for anyonre
Also, I am not religious in any sense. Any references to heaven, a deity or the concept of an afterlife are in the context of the way the show views these concepts, not me personally. I tried to write respectfully from the show and character perspectives.
The Cheyenne also have their own views on life after death, according to World History Encyclopedia:
"The Cheyenne afterlife is envisioned as a continuation of life on earth. The spirit leaves the body and travels the long road of the Milky Way to arrive at a village very like what one has always known and is greeted by those who have gone before. The spirit then lives on with one's Creator and community."
I found that I could see Snowbird and her child feeling that Sully and family were enough of part of their community that they would share an afterlife with them, which is why they are included in the way they are. No cultural erasure will ever part of my stories.
I hope that this story does the spirit and deep heart of the show justice
She sees him sometimes in her dreams
In years past, closer to his loss, his tiny cherubic face, so similar to his sister Katie's and yet different in ways that were wholly his own would peer up at her as she held him, his contented sucking of a bottle the only sound.
His eyes were blue, the same darker sea shade as his father's and the fine hair on his head the same shade of blonde as Katie's had been at that age. Another gift from her husband. One that she was somehow sure would stay with him and not melt into her own chocolate brown as her youngest daughter's had started to at the time.
But when he gurgled happily, not yet able to gift her with a laugh, but trying, and smiled at her, she saw her own joy reflected in his new grin, her wonder reflected in his eyes.
Her Josef.
She'd known he was a boy from the moment she'd learned she was pregnant, had seen him in her mind's eye in a way that she never had with Katie. She wondered, at first, if it was a because she just wanted a boy, for Sully, for her father. But upon further reflection, she realized that wasn't the cause. She already had two sons, and though they hadn't come from her body, they had been raised in her and Sully's love, just as this child was going to be.
No, she hadn't wanted a son or daughter, specifically, just a heathy baby. But she had known he was a boy all the same. Mother's Intuition, some of her patients had called it when describing such things about their own pregnancies, and so she had settled the matter in her own mind at the time with that explanation
After he had been taken away, and the dreams began, she had wondered again why she had known. Why had fate or God been so cruel as to describe to her so clearly a child that she would never know? Why had she needed to have a sense of him in her heart and now a picture of him in her dreams? Why did she need to know who he was if she was never going to get to cuddle him or kiss his forehead in her waking hours?
For a time, she had resisted telling Sully about the dreams, especially as they failed to get pregnant again and finally resigned themselves to Katie being forever their youngest living child and their last. She knew he grieved their baby as much as she did. And she didn't know if telling him that she knew that the child was a boy and that she had seen him in dreams, growing ever older in each as the months and years passed, would help or hurt her husband as he mourned.
But when could hold back no longer after waking in their bed from one of those dreams in tears, Sully had smiled through his own tears and said that he supposed the love between them and in their family was strong enough to make the journey from heaven to Earth and back again. And to tell Josef that his Pa loved him next time he came to visit.
She had loved Sully since he'd first helped her get settled in Colorado Springs over a decade ago now. But after the way he had responded to her deeply vulnerable truth concerning her dreams without doubting her and had then held her in his arms for the whole night afterward, she fully agreed with his assessment than their love was strong enough to bridge the gap between the living and the lost.
And as she watched her now six year old son walking toward to her, her mind barely registered the fact that, for him to be here meant that she must have fallen asleep in the rocking chair on the porch of the homestead.
Instead, she focused on her little boy.
"Hello Josef", she gave him a big smile and opened her arms to him, still sitting in the rocking chair.
"Hi Ma!" He climbed up into her lap and though facing the road from which he'd come, he leaned the side of her face into her neck as if to make sure to make the most of both his chance to look at everything and also cuddle with her.
Her eyes filled. He reminded her so much of Brian at that age, his hair was slightly curlier than her middle son's hair had been, but the color was the same, she had been right about the blond staying. Josef's height was very close to to what Brian's had been as well .Their eyes were different shades but their facial features and mannerisms were very similar too And though she would forever honor Charlotte as her three older children's birth and first mother, it amazed her how much all her children looked alike, especially Brian and Josef, ever more so as they grew.
Her son's voice gently startled her out of her reverie and she realized he had likely been talking for awhile. She chastised herself for not listening to his every word when she had so little time with him. She tried to focus now and figure out what had caught her attention.
And then there it was.
"You play with Wolf?"
The family had lost Wolf a few months before, devastating everyone. He had always been Sully's constant companion and had protected each of the children with his life. And the fact that his loss had been from old age and not in a difficult situation had not really eased the pain of his absence, though they were grateful he had a long life with them.
The knowledge that he was playing with Josef, the Sully child that he never had the chance to enjoy time with or look after, soothed Michaela's heart in a way nothing else had since his passing and she knew her husband would feel the same way. Perhaps it would provide him an avenue to start to approach Wolf's loss and also continue to help him process Josef's.
"Yup, me and Anthony play with Wolf every day. We pretend we're lost. And have to live in the woods. Anthony is braver than me though, so Wolf stays with me most of the time so I'm not scared.
"Wolf's a good protector isn't he? And Anthony is a very brave boy indeed." Michaela tried to keep her voice steady at the knowledge that Wolf instinctually protected her and Sully's son despite never knowing of his existence and at the fact that Josef was friends with Anthony, the son of some of her dearest friends and the little boy, she had been unable to save, despite her best efforts and medical knowledge. The boy whose condition she still searched for in medical journals.
"Wolf is the best protector there is Ma, and Anthony is my best friend! They both show me how to have fun. And Miss Charlotte and Miss Olive make sure I have good food to eat and a nice bed. And Mrs. Snowbird and her daughter are teaching me Cheyanne words, Mrs. Snowbird says that she's teaching me just the way she taught my pa.
And I see Miss Abigail sometimes and her daughter Hannah too. Hannah is quiet like me and has the same blue eyes as me too, though her hair is dark like Miss Abigail's She's a lot older than me but Miss Abigail says Hannah is my sister, like you said that Matthew, Coleen, Brian and Katie are my brothers and sisters here on earth, so I try to be extra nice to her"
It was almost too much for Michaela to process. Her friends looking after her son just the way that she had looked after Charlotte's children for her after her death and then Olive's subsequent loss too. And the knowledge that Snowbird's lost baby was a girl and that she and her mother were together and passing down the language of their people to her own son. And that they were free of having to fear the hate. inhumanity and violence that had cost them their lives, was almost breathtaking. It was at once the deepest relief that so many of the people she loved were together and the sharpest pain that she could not join them yet, even for a visit.
And then, there was Abigail and Hannah, far from being the ghosts that had tormented her in her first several years in Colorado Springs, once to the point of an actual haunting. Now, according to Josef, Abigail was making sure he and Hannah knew each other as siblings
In all his visits before, Josef had merely appeared in her arms, or toddled toward her from across a room, or walked shyly toward her from a doorway. The only words he'd said to her before were "Mama" "I love you" and "Read book please." which was fitting she supposed because the last time she had dreamed of him was two and half years ago.
And at three and a half at the time, he had been solely interested in cuddling with her and demanding that she read the book he had been carrying at the time to him. Hearing six year old Josef describe his life with the friends she missed so dearly was an entirely different kind of experience.
As though he knew her thoughts, he turned in her lap so that he could look in her eyes,"I'm sorry if I made you sad Ma.'
"You didn't make me sad Josef, I promise, I am so glad to hear about all the people and animals helping you to have fun and be happy until your Pa and I can be with you too. Please tell them I said thank you and that I send my love. And remember to use good manners all the time, just the way you do when you visit me."
'I will, I promise" Josef leaned his head against her chest and she could feel dampness after a moment, which let her know he was crying. "I love you Ma, I'll come see you again. Tell Pa and my earth sisters and brothers that I love them too." His small voice shook and broke several times as he choked the words out
Michaela finally let her own tears fall as she held him closer, his little body trembling from his emotions as she struggled to remain as strong as she could for him. "I love you too, always. And I'll tell them, I promise. They love you too. Always know you're in our hearts."
A few moments later, Michaela startled awake, the warm weight gone from her lap and arms and her heart heavy, as it always was after she dreamed of her son.
She wiped at her wet eyes, not wanting to worry Katie and have to explain, especially because she didn't have the words to explain it to herself, let alone for how she was going to share it with her husband after the house was quiet for the evening.
After another few minutes to collect herself as best as she could, Michaela went to get up, and as she did so, a breeze blew, a welcome respite from the heat of the summer day.
The breeze also alerted her to the fact that her dress had become damp. Thinking that perhaps she had sweat during her nap in the hot sun, she inspected herself to determine whether she needed to change.
And as she gazed down, she realized that the only damp spot on her dress was in the middle of her bodice.
The episodes in which the spirits of Abigail and Hannah as well as that of Charlotte appear are somewhat ambiguous as to whether they are real encounters or dreams, leaning toward them being shown as actually occurring. I have gone with the same sort of sense for my story in homage to the series. So it's up to the reader whether Josef's visits are dreams or reality.