Damaged
He's back from the dead or a dream state or was it just a damn long nap. Is he risen from the dead or more like Sleeping Beauty?
They told him Thor has wiped his mind clean - again - pass Go and collect $200, and a promotion and a better parking spot.
But he's not sure what Thor did or didn't do.
Maybe this time Thor scraped out a bit too much.
His dreams are strange. He loses time, loses track of what he's doing. Finds out he's finished and can't remember what he's done.
He needs to concentrate. The base is his to run and protect.
He thought he had been subtle. He fears he has been completely transparent.
He thought Carter had understood - obviously she doesn't or doesn't want…
He felt abandoned, left behind. He knew she was just trying to save herself.
He has to let it go. Let go of the future he dreamed of. Let go of her. Some things are not possible no matter how hard we try.
How could she possibly love someone so damaged?
He feels hollow sometimes. Kerry tried to fill that empty space and he tried to let her.
Work, he can keep it together with work, god knows he has enough on his plate.
There are things, important things he has yet to accomplish. He dreamt of them when he was dead.
He dreamed of her.
The last time Sam fell deeply in love she lost herself. She swore she would never let that happen again. And she had succeeded. Oh sure she felt the pull, the warmth, the enjoyment of affection but resisted the devastating tidal wave. She swam above it. She glanced at O'Neill and wondered if she were strong enough, or if she wanted to be. No, no, this one wasn't meant to be - too many damn complications. And in him she might lose herself completely.
Sam wasn't cold or distant, she had friends - Janet Fraser and her team SG-1. All of them are professionals and outstanding in their field. She had close dear friends. Only around him she was reserved, detached (most of the time). It was a military thing.
The one she wanted the most, she had to keep at arm's length. Love leads to loss of independence, it leads to heartbreak. So let's keep it superficial and no one gets hurt. And if not, lock it up in a room. Want and desire came seeping out from under the door.
The only time she lost control was when she forgot who she was. And she let him in. When she remembered who she was, when that door just about flew off its hinges, she slammed it closed with a 'Sir'. Maybe she should have bricked up the damn door.
Still she wondered about him. It was like he could see that secret part of herself she shared with no one. It scared her and it intrigued her at the same time.
She turned her back on what he offered, after all it was a remote possibility. She agreed to marry a man she kinda loved but not enough to set the world on fire. She left behind a man, who more than once, offered himself up in exchange for her safety.
With Pete she didn't feel overwhelmed with emotions. It was pleasant. She was flattered with his attention. Sam could compartmentalize her work life from her romantic dallance and do everything on her timetable. Did or would this make their relationship one sided and doomed? Too bad.
She liked control; it was in her scientific nature to analyze and inspect and manage. His neediness didn't put too many demands on her, although he did push up her timetable with the unexpected ring.
She had enough demands at work, which were none of his business. Too bad, maybe that was how he could ever truly understand her.
It would probably be the same with any civilian or anyone outside of the Stargate Program or anyone period.
No, not just anyone. There was one who she thought had an insight into the real Sam Carter. Did he, did Jack O'Neill dream of a possible future with her? Would they struggle for dominance and would it be fun?
And when she was all alone in the dark of night Sam wondered if anyone could truly love her. And would she let them, would she let him?