Her plan had been foolish and fueled by a frenzied desperation. As soon as she had gone over it the next morning all of the obvious flaws started to show themselves. There was no way she could erase what had happened between them from Draco's memories... No matter how tempting it was.
Alternatively, she decided the best course of action was to ignore any attempts at communication. She didn't respond to the teasing note that arrived by owl the next morning at breakfast, inquiring as to why she had not written back the night before. Or the one that had suddenly appeared in her bag when she went to put away her Potions essay. Afraid that if she read the words she would cave.
Over the next few days she continued to find more hastily scribbled messages. Each one joined the unread congregation at the bottom of her bag. The itch to open them grew as the pile did, but she wouldn't allow it. Every time her resolve began to deteriorate she would remind herself of why she had to sever any ties to the boy now... Before it became impossible to do so.
Most of her time was spent purposefully trying not to think about him. She would do everything in her power to stop her eyes from scanning the crowd whenever she was out of the Gryffindor Tower. There was a tense set to her shoulders at meal times as she fought with herself to keep her eyes forward. She kept her breaktimes to the common room, foregoing the Library, and tried to concentrate on her heavy workload of assignments.
Granted, it was an extremely difficult task as her nightmare became her newest obsession. Each time she tried to close her eyes and fall asleep it would reappear. Always in a different setting but the end result was the same... Everyone screamed their hatred at her and stood back allowing her demise. A relief she had come to rush towards after the screams of derogatory abhorrence would escalate to a volume where she finally begged for the deliverers of death to complete their job.
She could not figure out why it kept plaguing her even though she had made the choice to end things with Draco. The guilt should have abated and allowed her some sleep, but it didn't. If anything it seemed to intensify her shame. The added matter of sleep deprivation from her broken sleep pattern did nothing to help her obsessive thoughts.
So when she stood in front of the mirror after her shower on Friday morning she was not surprised to find herself in an absolute state. The dark circles under her eyes made it look as if she hadn't slept in weeks instead of the handful of nights it had actually been. This wasn't exactly surprising considering the way her body would instinctively react to the stimuli in the dream. Each time she was jolted awake it would feel like she had just run a marathon.
Mechanically she went on auto-pilot in an attempt to right herself into a presentable resemblance of a human being. Her mind pondered if she was well on the road to finally completely cracking. Going to Pomfrey like Harry had suggested was becoming a more distinct possibility by the night... She wasn't going to hold up much longer under the mixture of academic and personal stress without sleep. And she couldn't afford a breakdown…
The sting of her finger applying the healing lotion he had given her to a deep scratch that marked her from shoulder to elbow, self inflicted from a distraught act of trying to fight invisible foes, brought her back to her somber reality. She finished with the quick first aid and pulled on the rest of her uniform. Finding herself grateful that the unintentional mark hadn't been left in a more exposed place... Like her face.
She replaced the top to the container and bit down on her bottom lip, concentrating on the pain to keep herself from thinking of why she even had it. Her thumb ran over the smooth surface once before she shoved it deep into the bag with the rest of her showering supplies.
With one last look in the mirror she turned and left the Prefect's bathroom. Intent on finding it in herself to be satisfied in the choice that she'd been forced to make. For both their sakes... For her friendships... For so many reasons... And if she couldn't do that, to at least be hopeful for the day when she would be able to regain her old contentment with the required path.
-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-
Hermione wasn't sure how long she had been sitting in her favorite little nook in the common room. She had come there to work on her extra essay for Ancient Runes but found herself thinking of how she should be thankful that Draco had not sent her a single message all day. Even though it would have ended up unopened, just like the others, it was kind of disconcerting that he had given up. She wanted to feel a rush of gratitude at how easy it had been but it wouldn't come, instead a weighted compliance had settled in her stomach.
Her thoughts were far away and it took a minute for her to establish that someone had joined her at the small table. She looked over into the eyes of Lavender Brown. The girl leaned back in the chair she now occupied and gave a fake smile. "How are you tonight Hermione?"
She sat there and eyed the intruder, who was all done up for her date with Ron in a couple of hours, and tried to keep her expression completely neutral. Neither one of them had so much as glanced in the other's direction since their last confrontation. Maybe she had come to apologize... "Fine. And yourself?"
"I am just peachy. Thank you for asking." Lavender answered, her lips twitching from the strain to keep her grin in place.
"Mmhmm." She hummed before turning back to the book in front of her.
The hope that the other girl would take her hint and leave was promptly squashed. She relaxed against the soft cushions in the chair and surveyed the common room. Her nails made clicking sounds as she strummed against the wood of the table as if waiting for something.
It only took a few moments of the incessant sound for Hermione to set her quill down and look back over. "Is there something you need, Lavender? I am quite busy..."
"Does my sitting here bother you?" The witch asked her. The way her head tilted to the side in what seemed like confusion bore a striking likeness to one of those muggle pictures of labradors they used for calendars.
Instantly her defenses rose at the obvious act of innocence and she decided to be blunt with her. "Yes. There are hundreds of other places you could go to... Do whatever it is that you are doing. Why not go find one?"
"Because Ronald thinks that it would be best if we figured out a way to be civil with one another." Lavender told her as she shrugged off the phoniness, a smirk crossing her glossed lips. "And now I get to go and tell him that I tried and you told me to bugger off."
"Goody gumdrops! Please do run along and whine in his ear. I am positive all of your nagging will endear him to you even more." Hermione said, rolling her eyes at the inconsequential threat.
"If you knew anything about what he liked we wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation. You would be in my spot instead of being the pining second rate ex-friend."
"True, but I am not wasting my life on 'I should have's. Was that all? Or did you have more to say?" She asked as she started to organize her sheets of parchment and books, readying herself to leave.
Lavender's smirk widened and she shook her head. "Are you going to run away to the Library? Cry into your books about how the world is so unfair to Poor Hermione Granger?"
"No... Actually I am not going to the Library. Nor would it be any of your business if I was." She said, feeling proud of herself for keeping cool. The stack in her hands that she had accumulated went in her bag which she quickly slung over her shoulder.
A snort from the other girl stopped her just as she went to take her first step towards departure. "Where else are you going to go? It's not like you have some boy waiting for you somewhere."
All it took was a second of hesitation in response for Lavender to pick up on Hermione's unease. She tried to cover it with another roll of her eyes. "Of course not."
"Of course not." Lavender mimicked before continuing in her normal irritating tone. "It's pretty sad you cannot make it past Date One with any wizard, huh? I mean, I am not surprised considering everyone thinks you are a freak but... It's Valentine's Day, there should be someone desperate enough... Anyone, at this point...Too bad you will always be a pariah. I am so glad Ron is finally seeing it as well."
Her head shook involuntarily at the baleful look that the witch pierced her with. It triggered echoes of the deafening screams from her dreams to whisper in her ears. Fighting back tears she got out a breathy, "And I am the bitch, right?" before she left. The whole way to the common room door she kept her shoulders squared and head high, refusing to let Lavender know how badly she had gotten under her skin.
As soon as she was in the shelter of the corridor she took a hard right and hurried away from the short-lived sanctuary. Unsure of where to go, she walked along in the darkening light from the sporadic windows, allowing her feet to carry her through the halls. She couldn't go to any of her established spots to finish her assignment. They were all too well known and she ran the risk of running into too many people she did not wish to see. She couldn't go to the Room of Requirement for obvious reasons. She couldn't head outside the castle walls, it would be below freezing soon and she wasn't properly dressed for that type of excursion. Even with the use of a warming charm…
So she just kept wandering, slowly making her way through the corridors. Trying to get her mind off of the insults that continued to repeat in her head. As if the litany would end if she was able to put enough space between her and her problems. The unrealistic desire to walk out the front gates and go home was so overwhelming it reminded her of her first year. Back when she had been alone, in a new world, floundering for any kind of friendship from her fellow students.
There had been days when her homesickness for the muggle world felt like it would suffocate her. Her copious amount of preparation for the wizarding world had done wonders on the academic front, aside from Snape, all of her teachers had appreciated her efforts. Which in turn caused numerous issues in the areas of social acceptance with her peers, giving her the appearance of a Know-It-All. No one saw it for what it was... A scared little girl proving to herself and others that she could learn and adapt to all the new strangeness.
With her head down most of the way it was a surprise when she stopped and took inventory of where she had ended up... If she took a left at the next corridor she would pass by the door to the empty classroom Draco had brought her to and confessed that his hatred had been an act...