He refuses to believe it. No, he will not accept that Raphael is gone. Donnie can't bring himself to face the truth; it's simply too unimaginable.
How could his brother just leave them like this? How could he abandon them? Raphael must come back—he's strong, he can overcome anything. Raphael is the stubborn warrior who never backs down from a fight! NO, HE IS NOT DEAD!
It's impossible!
Maybe he's being illogical, they had all the evidence to back it up; Raph has been gone for almost two weeks now and there wasn't a single sign of his presence.
Maybe he is being immature to shun the rest of his family away to huddle up in his lab; they've been worried ever since the first day he enters the lab and haven't come out since, only for food and water.
Maybe he is not the brightest when he stays up in his lab for hours to locate Raph— to find any sign that he's still alive. But of course he hasn't told them about this. They would try to convince him otherwise. They'll tell him that he's never coming back.
NO! He will not believe that!
Donnie might not be the hot-head like Raph or the spontaneous one like Mikey. Or even as stubborn as Leo. But he's always been the smartest and he prides himself for it.
He's always been the one who is right, the one who knows everything about anything. He doesn't like being proven wrong, because he hasn't. He's the smart one. If anyone could find Raph it's him. He will not be proven wrong.
Today was another sleepless night, this is the fourth in a row this week. His head is throbbing from constantly putting his body into overdrive every single day. And yet he hasn't found any clues in where Raph could be. What is he missing?
Did he missed a spot in New York? He knows that his computer isn't the best, it's basically batted and almost unusable but he manages to fixed to some degree. If he had the skills he would've hacked into the security cameras but his current device isn't the strong enough for that. Everyday he would try to hack into the cameras, failing every single time. It was something he wasn't used to.
He's check every single website for any new attacks or threats or any robberies and maybe it had a headline saying: "A KID TURTLE FOUND BEATING UP ROBBERS?! NINJA TURTLE?"
He groans as he had now hit the 14 hour mark and it all results to nothing. God… what more can he do? How much longer does he need to sit in front of his computer to find one clue?
In his frustration, he bangs his head against the table, wrapping his arms around himself as tears stream down his face. He's utterly exhausted.
He's tried everything, everything within his power, but it's not enough. Nothing he can do seems good enough.
He cries softly, knowing that by now everyone else is asleep, letting all his rage and pain flow out. If only Raph were here right now...
Raph would have been the first to notice him crying; he always did. They were the ones who stayed up the longest, often sharing late-night talks that only they understood.
Whenever Donnie felt this lost, Raph always seemed to understand him in a way no one else could. It was as if Raph had a sixth sense for Donnie's struggles, always knowing just the right words to pull him out of the darkness.
Donnie's mind drifts back to the first time he felt a deep sense of shame. It was during a grueling practice session, where they were testing their limits. Despite his best efforts, the purple-clad turtle simply couldn't keep up. He remembered the stinging feeling of his failure, the weight of the shame that he felt that day, until Raph, with his uncanny timing, stepped in.
The turtles finished practice and Donnie couldn't be even more embarrassed of himself. He has lost terribly against his younger brother, Mikey, who didn't even break a sweat. Donnie couldn't even land a single hit on him and Mikey manages to swoop him off his feet with a single simple kick to the feet.
"YAME!" Splinter called. Instinctively all the turtle sat down in their usual order, awaiting for their father's verdict.
"Leonardo. You did an excellent job, I've seen some improvements. Work more on your stance and you will be able to focus more on your targets."
"Hai Sensei."
Splinter moves on to the next turtle
"Raphael. As always you are far stronger by strength. For that I am impressed, for you to be as strong as you are is remarkable. However, you must keep your anger at bay."
Raph obviously knows what Splinter meant. Despite his frustration, he did appreciate him taking notice by his improvements.
"Hai Sensei"
Splinter then walks towards Donnie. He looks up to see a glint of… worry? Disappointment? He couldn't tell.
"Donatello. You are by far the smartest of your four brothers. I can tell you calculate every move you take and that is good. However, it does not seem you are improving. Your footing is far too slow to fight and your physical strength is low. You must practice more. Do you understand?"
Donnie felt a stab to his chest. It's obvious that these are just critiques to help him improve himself as a ninja, but it felt painful to hear them out loud.
"H-..Hai Sensei…"
He nods and follows up to the last brother.
"Michelangelo. I am impressed by your improvements. You are agile with your movements and your muscles are very flexible. A fine character in a ninja. Well done my son."
He smiles brightly at his father "Aw thank you Master Splinter!"
Splinter smiles at him back and proceeds to talk more but Donnie blurs that all out. His mind raced with thoughts that the more he thinks about it the more it shattered his confidence. He knows he isn't that strong but he has practiced a bit more with his hand to hand combat. Did it not show?
He didn't know he was that terrible, sure he lost to Mikey but he swore he had some improvements at least. But none?
Donnie was glad that Splinter dismissed them shortly after because he starts to water at the mere thought of having no form of improvements. He dashes to his lab, hopefully no one took any notice of his sadden face, and shuts the door behind him.
He sinks into his chair, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't have been that bad, right?
God… Donnie doesn't even know anymore. All he understands from that is that he simply was not good enough. He wasn't strong enough. He wasn't a good enough ninja.
Before Donnie could react, the door lab opened and the presence of his familiar red brother appeared. "Yo Don?" He calls, "you good?"
He takes a moment or two before shaking his head, "No… not really…"
Raph comes up and sits next to him as he pats his little brother's turtle shell. In an odd comforting voice, he says "You uh… Wanna talk about it?"
Donnie looks up to meet his warm yet worried eyes. It's rare but Raph has his moments of showing his soft side.
However, Donnie didn't even need to speak to explain to Raph. "Is… Is it about what Splinter said to ya?" He was shocked to hear that. He didn't expect Raph to notice it.
The turtle in red sighs, "Listen Don, I'm sure you know Splinter means well. But what he said was wrong."
"You've obviously improved. Your hands seem to react faster than it did before. You manage to block and dodge a bunch of Mikey's attacks. Yeah sure you lost but… You did really well, Don."
His eyes widen with every word spoken. Among everyone in the room, Raph is the one who notices.
"That's not all Don…" He continues, "Not only are you a pretty good ninja, you're more than that. You're smart as hell, like freakishly smart. You're also pretty chill. You know how to adapt to Leo's older brother privileges' and Mikey's pranks. Hell you even know how to handle my anger from time to time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that… You're not only a ninja, you're my brother. And I want nothing more than that."
The soft words and sweet brotherly tone were completely unexpected for Donnie. He's never seen Raph this way; it's more than just a soft side. He's completely letting down his walls to talk to him.
Taken aback, his tears fell down harder, not from sorrow but from a warm feeling in his chest. It was the reassurance that he needed and was given by probably the brother he least expected but he wouldn't want to be any other way. Raph didn't understand though.
"WOAH WOAH!?!— UH?!— Hey hey don't cry!" He freaked out, "Um?! Uh Did I say something wrong Don?!" Raph frantically waved at him, not sure what he should do with his hands. "Shell… what do I do?" He mutters softly to himself but Donnie could hear him.
He laughs to himself, god sometimes his older brother could be so awkward. Actually that's most of the time.
"Huh? What are you laughing at?" Raph asks, clearly confused.
"Oh it's nothing Raph…" Donnie glances at him again, turning his lips upwards to a smile. "Thanks…" He says, his eyes alone conveying the immense gratitude he feels.
Raph pauses for a second, a little shocked to hear a "thanks" from his brother; happy nonetheless. He smiles and replies "No problem little brother…"
But of course, Raph wouldn't be an older brother if he doesn't tease him a little bit, right?
With a more playful attitude, his smile turns to a toothy grin before putting Donnie into a headlock and gives him a noogie to the head.
"Alright brother, no time for the crying and time for some TV ya?"
"OW?!— RAPH GET OFF ME!"
"Not until you say yes—"
"YES OK! NOW GET OFF ME!"
He didn't until another 30 seconds— well, it was more like Donnie suddenly decided to grab him by his waist and slam him to the ground then both brothers started to have a tickle fight. It all ends with playful laughter before the two brothers walk to the couch and continue the one on one moment in the living room.
Tears still stream down as the memory lingers in his mind. His chest aches as what was once a joyful moment of two brothers bonding turns into an emotional grievance over what remains of Raphael.
He would give anything now to bring him back—to hear his teasing, his laughter, his shouts, even their arguments. Anything, just to have him here again. Does the world despise them that much?
They're already living in the sewers, hiding from humans. They already lack the freedoms that all living things deserve. How much more do they want to take from them?
It's not fair…
"Donatello?" His head snaps up to see Master Splinter standing in the doorway. "Oh... Hi, Sensei..." he mutters.
"What are you doing up so late, my son?" Splinter steps slowly into the lab. He's noticed Donatello's recent changes—pushing everyone away, arguing with Leo more than usual, getting easily irritated with Mikey, and even yelling at his own father on a few occasions. It's unlike him.
"...Nothing..." Donatello mumbles.
"Clearly, that isn't the case." Splinter moves closer, standing beside him, patiently waiting for more. "My son, you know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"
If Donnie had looked at his father, he would have seen the worry and tears glinting at the edge of Splinter's eyes, ready to fall. But instead, he remains fixated on the table, frustration bubbling inside him.
"It's... It's nothing..." he repeats.
"If it were nothing, you wouldn't be awake at this hour," Splinter replies firmly.
"Dad, just—leave me alone, please. I'm busy—"
"How can one be both doing nothing and yet be busy? That doesn't seem to make sense."
"Can you please leave me alone?!—"
"No! I will not! This has gone on far too long!"
Donnie glares at his father, his eyes blazing with anger as he shouts, "Okay! Fine! It's not nothing! I'm busy, so I think you should leave!"
"Donatello!" Splinter raises his voice, "How dare you use that tone with your father!"
"Well, you don't seem to understand that I'm busy!"
"DONATELLO!"
Donnie flinches at the sudden snap.
Splinter sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose, his exhaustion evident in the sound. "I don't understand... You were always the calmest of your brothers. What has happened to make you push us away so easily?"
The young turtle's gaze shifts from the floor to his computer, knowing deep down the answer but lacking the courage to tell Splinter. However, Splinter is far more perceptive than Donnie realizes.
His eyes follow his son's, settling on the bright computer screen. He sees a white page filled with multiple links to different websites, and in the search bar, it reads:"Recent news about human turtle."
"Oh..." Splinter whispers, realization dawning on him. All this time...
He looks back at Donnie, his gaze softening as his heart aches for the pain his son has been carrying. All this time, he just wanted to find him.
"Oh, Donatello..." Splinter crouches down to his son's level and wraps him in his arms. Donnie doesn't have the strength to fight back anymore, finally letting the weight of his burdens fall as he sobs into his father's robe, whimpering, "It's not fair... it's just not fair..."
"I know son... I know..." He mumbles back.
Splinter holds him tightly, his strong arms becoming a pillar to support his son from crumbling. "Donatello..." he says softly, "I... I'm sorry for yelling. I should have realize how much this has been affecting you..."
The young turtle remains silent, unable to speak through his constant hiccuping, as he clings to his father for comfort.
"I appreciate your help, but you can't keep doing this…" Splinter's voice laced with worry, "Please my son… I'll never let you live like this… Raphael wouldn't want you to live like this…"
Donnie's silence speaks volume, clearly disagreeing to what Splinter has told him.
"Do you remember how many times Raphael has dragged you out of your lab?" He ask. Donnie, slightly confused, nods slowly. Of course Donnie remembers, he's the only one who could drag him out of his lab by force. He would do it in multiple ways: dragging him out by sheer force, threatening him that he would tell Splinter, or warning him or else he would just take Donnie's room all to himself since it looks like he doesn't need it. How could he forget?
It frustrates him so much because it always when he's so close in finishing his research and suddenly BOOM RAPH IS HERE! And he's going to stop the whole research when he's pretty much almost done!
"Well…" Splinter continues, "Raphael wouldn't want you to stay up all night doing your research, would he?"
That made Donnie's head perk up, thinking would he? Probably not actually. Raph would probably be really mad at him if he finds out that he has been doing all nighters for an entire week.
Donnie shook his head no in response.
"So… why not we both sleep now? He would he mad at both of us if we don't right now…" He could hear a somber smile from Splinter's voice. Because Raph wouldn't be able to get mad at them, he's pretty much not here. But just to pay respect to him, he'll sleep. So when Raph comes back, he wouldn't freak out about the dark eye bags Donnie has created on his face.
"Ok…" He speaks up, a voice barely a whisper.
Splinter hums softly as he lifts Donatello off the ground and carries him to his room. Gently, he places Donnie in his bed and tucks him in. Donnie marvels at the comfort of the bed, the pillow so soft that his head sinks into it, and the blanket's warmth soothing his cold-blooded body. Just as he begins to close his eyes, he hears, "Donatello..."
He opens them slightly, listening as Splinter speaks before he falls asleep. "Yeah..." he mumbles.
"Thank you, my son. You did well. I'm so proud of you," Splinter says, placing a kiss on Donnie's forehead and whispering, "Now rest... You need it."
Donnie smiles faintly and whispers back, "I love you..."
Splinter returns the smile and replies, "I love you too."
It's around the middle of night and his eyes were still open. Thoughts are still swarming around with multiple scenarios. Not good ones either.
Leo's worries have been getting worse and worse by the second. He doesn't know what to do…
He's been huddled up in his bed for hours and without an ounce of rest. He kept on tossing and turning around but no spot felt right. How could anything feel right when his brother is missing?!
His brother could pretty much be dead at this point! And no one would know!
Leo tucks his head into knee as he lets his tears fall. Oh Raph…. Where are you?….
A few moments of silence flew by until Leo lifted his head up again. His eyes landed on the sketchbook that was placed on his desk, almost completely forgetting about it.
Well if he isn't here then maybe he could feel like he was here. Maybe holding something that belongs to Raph would bring some sort of reassurance for Leo.
He grabs it, grazing over the fabric cover, before opening it once again to see the beautiful landscape.
He turns to the next page to see a few doodles and sketches of random things: skulls, eyes, hands(turtle hands), even a mini Spike in the bottom right of the page.
He flips through the page to see many drawings of birds, the algae foods that Mikey makes, he even sees a few drawings of them; him and his brothers.
When Leo flips through the 25th page he sees no drawing. There wasn't a doodle or a sketch but instead writing the spells out: "For myself and this buk only, or if my anoying brothers sneek into my rum, first of all GET OUT! Second THIS IS NOT A DIERY!"