MYSTERIOUS BRAWL IN THE DUNGEONS INJURES SEVERAL STUDENTS

By Beatrice Lola Yang, Hogwarts Gazette reporter

The majority of the second year Slytherin students ended up in the infirmary yesterday after being attacked by an unknown assailant. Our source, who is definitely not Percy Weasley, informs us that the only second year Slytherins uninjured were Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. (Some have suggested this reporter should have left Percy's name out of the article entirely. This reporter says he shouldn't have treated her so badly on our date last Hogsmeade visit. She reiterates that being dumped by your last girlfriend for being a Slytherin is no excuse – you focus on the girl in front of you.)

The injuries were moderate to severe, some initially life threatening, but all the injured are now in stable condition. Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, Draco Malfoy, and Millicent Bulstrode have all been transferred to St. Mungo's, as their condition was too severe for Madam Pomfrey to heal on their own. None of the injured will inform this newspaper who injured them. Professor Sinistra indicated that the situation has been dealt with and matters will be handled internally. She emphasizes there is no further danger to the students.

When asked for a comment, Headmaster Lockhart stared at us quizzically as if we had both grown two heads and were not speaking English. It was enough for Defense Professor Hestia Jones to start swearing, this reporter presumed, under her breath. At that point, Lockhart recovered what meager wits he possessed and announced that "no students shall be harmed under the watch of me, the great Gilderoy Lockhart," seemingly ignoring the fact this has already occurred. While Lockhart's controversial ideas have, in the Gazette's opinion, been in some cases necessary and even helpful, it is clear that dealing with the media is not Lockhart's forte – bizarre, considering his extreme infatuation with the limelight. At least he's not as bad as Headmaster Dumbledore, what with his predilection for lemon drops and attempted murder.

According to Harry Potter, the injuries were caused by one of You Know Who's Horcruxes, which according to him, were pieces of his soul. He claimed the Horcrux possessed an innocent student and caused the injuries before he successfully destroyed by means of the "Spriggan" in a fiery explosion. While it is true that such an explosion occurred at roughly the same time as the injuries, the Weasley twins have claimed credit for it. The Gazette firmly rejects Harry's theories, as he was unwilling to tell us pivotal details of his story, such as who was possessed, what in the name of God a Spriggan is, how he acquired said Spriggan, and why he was left uninjured. We also have serious doubts about his sanity in general.

Despite this, we do not believe he is responsible for these injuries and neither does Professor Sinistra or Headmaster Lockhart.

The only student we could find who would back Harry's theory was first year Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood, but she immediately retracted her comment. According to Luna, she has been "relegated to the background" by "the sentient duck" who feels, quoted verbatim, that "it's hard enough to keep the story on track with one avatar of chaos; having two around would make it nigh impossible." She adds he is sorry this disappointed any "readers," but he's not budging on this matter. The Gazette would suggest Mr. Lupin – who wishes to remind our own readers his doors are open for anyone who needs help – schedule a session with Miss Lovegood.

This reporter went to Malfoy Manor to see if Draco's father, Lucius Malfoy, who is known to have vociferous connections to the Ministry could shed some light on this incident. After being shown into the drawing room by a cackling house-elf who looks like the unholy spawn of E. T. and Yoda (ask a Muggleborn if you don't get those references), this reporter bore witness to a screaming argument between Mrs. and Mr. Malfoy, wherein Mrs. Malfoy yelled incoherently and both set Mr. Malfoy on fire and delivered an excruciatingly painful curse to his nether regions. If Draco had his heart set on being an older brother, this reporter would prepare for disappointment if she was him. After Mrs. Malfoy noticed this reporter, she banished Mr. Malfoy from the room.

"We are, of course, devastated to hear of our son's injuries and I am sure there will be reckoning for the one responsible," Mrs. Malfoy said darkly. Mr. Malfoy, apparently listening at the door, let out a whimper. "Draco did the absolute right thing and I, at least, am proud of him. Things will have to be changing in the future." She turned to the house-elf. "Dobby, get me Mr. Ursus Nathan Marri." Mr. Marri is considered one of the foremost divorce lawyers in the magical world. Yeah, it's…not good news in general for Draco, is it?

The Gazette will furnish further details on this story when they become available.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Thank you so much. I thought I'd never be free from the clutches of that vile monster Tom Riddle. But you helped Harry saved me. He couldn't have done it without you. Of course, while I don't mean to diminish your contributions, Harry certainly deserves most of the credit. He (and Ron, of course) actually believed something was wrong with me, instead of just writing it off like all of the so-called wise adults did, and managed to figure out the Horcrux was possessing me. Then he rallied all of the Slytherin students against Riddle. Of course, he got them all hospitalized, but it's the thought that counts; plus, if they hadn't lowered Riddle's guard, Harry probably wouldn't have been able to pickpocket the diary from him. And finally, he managed to destroy the diary, freeing me immediately upon its destruction.

I feel so ashamed and dirty and used. I know, objectively, it's not my fault, but I still feel I should have somehow noticed something was wrong and refrained from writing in the diary. I can only say in my defense that I was desperate, alone, and thought I might die or worse. I really feel like I wouldn't have fallen for it if I hadn't literally been in solitary confinement at the time. But what's done is done and the past can't be changed. I'm seeing Mr. Lupin about my experiences, though honestly, considering he failed to realize I was possessed, I have my doubts he'll be able to help me.

By the time school had started, I was basically a passenger in my own body. Riddle was calling the shots and I was reduced to a voice in the back of my mind. I tried my best to sabotage him by convincing him to act wildly out of character for me, but no one noticed except for Harry. Harry is such a hero! Did you know he actually managed to trick the minister into giving me a pardon? Oh, right, of course you know. You were involved in that whole mess. Anyway, as I was saying, the one good thing about being a prisoner in my own head is that I at least didn't manage to miss any classes. And Riddle, for all his villainy, is a damn good student, so my grades didn't suffer. It would be one thing to be killed, as I always say, but expelled is far, far worse.

What particularly gets my goat is Riddle was dating Harry to continue to sell the con, probably hoping he'd be too infatuated with me to notice. (I'm not going to pretend the idea of Harry infatuated with me doesn't make me squeal in joy a little, though I will deny it if asked.) Which means a Dark Lord got to date Harry before I did! He stole my first kiss from me! I wasn't able to enjoy it because even though it was done with my lips, it was done without my consent! I know this all seems very minor, but the whole ordeal is so horrifying I find it helps to focus on small details.

I'd honestly love to just go straight to dating Harry, but I can't. Right now, the very thought of having physical contact with him makes me nauseous. To be perfectly clear to a crystalline level, I don't blame Harry for this. He didn't know and after he did, he did what had to be done to keep Riddle in the dark. This was all Riddle's doing. If you go after Harry for, I don't know, taking advantage of me or something, I'm going to be very irked. He did nothing I would not have consented to had I possessed my will. I really want to date Harry in the future, but right now, all my emotions are all tangled up and I'm just not ready. I told Harry this and while he was understandably disappointed, he understood completely.

Now that I have my freedom back for the first time in months, I've gained a whole new appreciation for mundane actions like walking and chewing and breathing. I'm also really looking forward to seeing you in the flesh – in some ways, it'll be a first meeting for you. I'm so sorry you lost your memories of me. No doubt this was all part of Riddle's nefarious plot. I hope you manage to recover them. There were some great times we had. Though you committed a lot of murders during them…well, let's focus on the good, shall we?

I know you're probably very keen on punishing Umbridge for masterminding this whole thing, but something occurred to me: what if she wasn't the mastermind at all? She had the diary before me, right? What if Riddle managed to influence her and she wasn't responsible for her actions? Harry doesn't think this sounds plausible – why wouldn't Riddle try to possess her then? While I admit he has a point, I don't think this is a theory you should dismiss out of hand, so I'd advise against killing her right away. At the very least, you should probably interrogate her first.

Professor Sinistra says you're thinking about transferring me to a different school. I understand why you're considering it, but please, please don't. All my friends are here and what happened to me was a freak incident. Professor Jones says she and Headmaster Lockhart are going to strengthen the wards to make sure no more Horcruxes can enter the grounds (though they have to find them first). Professor Jones is a respected Auror and Headmaster Lockhart is world renowned for his works of epic heroism, so I think you can trust they'll keep me safe. Also, I think Marcus Flint, my Quidditch captain, might try to kill you if you do, and I'm not all that convinced it would be metaphorical. I know you're incredibly tough, but he has magic and when it comes to Quidditch, he is batshit insane.

Harry miraculously managed to escape punishment for what happened yesterday, though he still got detention for swearing for Professor Sinistra in the middle of his frantic and adroit attempts at evasion. Apparently, while he would ordinarily be in trouble for recruiting the other students to take down Riddle, the fact they were attacked first basically canceled that out. Professor Sinistra could have gotten him into trouble for sneaking the Spriggan into the school, but she knows he probably would have gotten criminally charged as well if she made it public. But, really, everyone getting injured in the execution of his plan was a punishment for him in itself. Harry despises it when people get hurt. He has a bit of a saving people thing, if you know what I mean. Which is rather dapper on him, but still comes with a heck of a guilt complex sometimes.

I'm confident now that this threat is resolved, we're in for a completely normal school year. I'm also confident I've now jinxed it, so make of that what you will.

Love,

Hermione

Dear Ron,

You must have gone completely round the twist. I can't believe you decided to go up against a Horcrux of You Know Who without consulting, I don't know, your favorite brother who literally breaks curses for a living! Do you have any idea how insane that was? Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be alive right now? Because you are very, very lucky. Horcruxes are some of the darkest objects known to man. They're insidious and corruptive and drive the maker into the depths of insanity – to say nothing of the person they're influencing! I will be writing Hermione's parents to get their permission to examine her over the holidays and if they say no, I'm going to be doing it anyway. You, on the other hand, should prepare for a reckoning, because I'm telling our parents.

Love,

Bill

Dear Bill,

I'm sorry. I didn't even think of asking you. But everything worked out well in the end, right? We destroyed the Horcrux and everyone's more or less making a full recovery. Hermione's safe and I don't really know what you could have done to make the situation any better. I'll take whatever punishment Mum and Dad want to give me. I deserve it.

Love,

Ron

Dear Ron,

I had a horrible realization. If You Know Who had made one Horcrux, what was to have prevented him from making more? You've already more or less accepted the theory Harry was an accidentally made Horcrux – and according to the literature on the topic, the only way such a thing is possible (though this is only theory until now) is to have the soul fracture repeatedly. Three Horcruxes is the largest number any have made so far. People have attempted to make four, but their souls weren't strong enough and their soul just dissipated, like the victim of a Dementor's Kiss. In theory, they could still be alive in the most technical sense, just not conscious.

But enough of that, especially since the very idea is horrifying. The point was, I became convinced You Know Who must have made more than one purposeful Horcrux. Maybe even more than three. Seven is the most powerful magical number – it's possible You Know Who could have sought out that many Horcruxes. So I resolved to find them and destroy them. Harry let me borrow the Spriggan, though if he hadn't, I just would have taken it for myself. Honestly, you can't just leave an anti-tank missile launcher lying around the place, Ron. That's, like, basic logic. I knew if the Spriggan was enough to take down one Horcrux, it'd be enough to take out others.

I put together a team. Some of the best of the best of the field. Though we don't have support from Gringotts itself. Goblins couldn't care less about Horcruxes. The affairs of humans are none of their concern. They don't even give a damn about economics. Having shiny objects around pleases their gods, end of story, the more the better. If a goblin had made a Horcrux, they would be concerned, of course. Goblins are warriors, not bankers, at heart. They fight unspeakable horrors which live in the murky depths. To die in battle with honor is the greatest of all things. To make oneself immortal is cheating and dishonors the gods. But, again, they can't give a crap about what humans do.

Getting back to the point, we had six of the best curse breakers in the whole world on the team. These are the best of the best, Ron. I feel completely inadequate just being in their presence. That's how good they are.

Gringotts is one of the most secure buildings in the entire world, and, more relevantly, You Know Who was familiar enough with its security to, if not necessarily succeed in robbing it, then to survive the attempt, which is an accomplishment in itself. So we thought there might be a Horcrux situated in one of the vaults. The goblins gave us permission to peruse the vaults belonging to imprisoned Death Eaters, but not the ones who walked free, and only the ones who were sentenced for life with no heirs. The goblins would have just taken the contents of those vaults for themselves upon those Death Eaters' deaths. I was able to convince them to let us search for Horcruxes there by pointing out it was possible once the contents were moved out, a Horcrux could possess a goblin.

And lo and behold, we actually found a Horcrux in Bellatrix Lestrange's vault! In case you don't know who Bellatrix is, she was one of You Know Who's top Death Eaters, second only to the vile traitor Sirius Black. She slaughtered a whole school full of Muggles once. A piece of work doesn't even begin to describe her. There are rumors she and You Know Who were even intimate, though I find that difficult to believe.

Now the Horcrux happens to be the cup of Helga Hufflepuff. It's really a shame we had to destroy it, because it's a priceless piece of history. I'd advise you to maybe not tell Harry. From what I understand, he's a bit history obsessed. He'll have an aneurism, probably. Before destroying the Horcrux, however, we cast a sympathetic magic ritual to give us the location of all the other Horcruxes. There are three other Horcruxes: one at Hogwarts, one at Sirius Black's family home, and one in a shack next to what turned out to be You Know Who's family home.

After blasting the cup to blazes with the Spriggan (we took it out of the bank first, of course), we did the same thing to the shack. Just the whole bloody shack. We didn't even bother trying to find the actual Horcrux first; we just blew up the place to smithereens. And it worked, because a huge, ominous cloud of smoke erupted from the burning shack, the telltale sign of the Horcrux being destroyed. I wonder what historical artifact we destroyed. Probably best not to speculate.

We knew we wouldn't be able to just blow up the Black House – it's in the middle of Central London and you can't just go around firing antitank missiles there without serious questions being asked, so we went for the one at Hogwarts next. Lockhart welcomed us into the school with open arms, but the moment he heard the word Horcrux, he left the room without saying a word, which I thought was really rather rude of him. He returned not too long afterwards with Professor Jones. Then he sidled out of the room rather awkwardly, almost as if he was a puppet on strings. Professor Jones looked ready to take up drinking at the very sight, muttering darkly to herself under her breath.

"So it was really true, then?" Professor Jones said, sounding distraught, when I told her about the Horcrux which had possessed Hermione and the possibility of there being another such one in Hogwarts. "Hermione actually was possessed like Harry said?"

I nodded. "Not that I'm blaming you, but why wouldn't you believe him?"

"Honestly? Because it's Harry. He means well, of course, and he's a good person, but his grasp on reality can be…questionable." I, of course, had to agree with her in order to keep the conversation moving. It certainly wasn't because I really do agree with her. "He's told me stories about fighting a lightsaber duel with Dumbledore, stealing the Philosopher's Stone, and all sorts of ridiculous things. And let's not start with this latest lark, that all of the Slytherin second years turned against He Who Must Not Be Named."

I tilted my head. "Why don't you believe that?"

"Because it's preposterous," Jones snarled, sounding almost as if she was going to start frothing at the mouth with rage for a few seconds. "One or two, I could understand, but all of them? Zabini, Nott, MALFOY?! No, I bloody well don't think so! Those children have been corrupted. It's a miracle that corruption hasn't spread. Having it be universally removed just defies belief."

I coughed. "Whatever you say, professor."

Jones gave a rueful smile. "Sorry. I just get…worked up sometimes. You haven't seen the things I saw during the war, William. No one born of such monsters could be a good person." She steepled her fingers. "I think I know where the Horcrux might be, but if I do tell you, I'm going to need your help with a project at a later date."

"I'm not agreeing to anything without knowing what it is."

She nodded approvingly. "Sensible of you. I'm trying to locate the wardstone."

Now it's time for me to explain just what she means by that. Hogwarts isn't alive, per se, but it possesses a system of wards so advanced it can emulate sentience to a certain degree. You must have noticed how capricious the moving staircases can be – that's one example. Peeves is also a more physical manifestation of this. In theory, the wards can be used to adjust just about any aspect of life at Hogwarts from the temperature to the location of the classrooms to, according to rumor, even the behavior of its inhabitants. Said theory would also suggest the wards could be adjusted to prohibit things like Horcruxes or Dark Marks to be allowed on campus. But the knowledge of wards is passed down from headmaster to headmaster and when Dumbledore went senile, the knowledge must have disappeared with him.

"What kind of changes do you intend to make there?" I asked.

"Oh, this and that," Jones said evasively. "They have to be relatively accessible. Lily found it, you know, or at least gained partial access to it. How else would she have changed the wards to allow her use of Muggle electronics?"

I blinked. "Wait a second. Are you telling me that the only reason Harry can write his blog is because his mum put in an exception for him?"

"For her blood, yes," Jones confirmed. "Such an exception already existed for the headmaster, of course. You should have seen Dumbledore's Reddit posts. They were…interesting."

"So the Horcrux…?"

Jones suddenly smiled. "Right, yes! To work! On the seventh floor, there's a room known as the Room of Requirement. It'll form itself towards whatever you need. Mostly my peers used it as a place for, well, trysts. But one iteration of the room is a place used to hide objects. If the Horcrux is in Hogwarts, it's probably there. I'll lead you there."

Jones led us up to the seventh floor and walked three times past a tapestry of a bunch of trolls dancing and then a door formed in the wall. "All right, everyone, let's split into pairs and get searching," I said. "Jones, you'll join us?" She nodded. "Remember, if you see your partner act even remotely strangely, just blast them and worry about the repercussions later."

The Room of Hidden Things, as Jones called it, is absolutely massive, Ron. Cavernous ceilings, shelves as far as the eye could see. The accumulated detritus of a thousand years of students. Random trash, gold, jewels, objects I can't even think about explaining to you until you're much older, this place had it all. I was worried we would never find the damn object.

"We found it!" one of the curse breakers, Puna Paita, shouted. Once we'd all assembled, she held up a diadem triumphantly. Not just any diadem, though. This was none other than the mythical, long lost diadem of Ravenclaw. It hasn't been seen in a millennium! And, again, we had to destroy it, so I'd keep Harry in the dark if I were you.

I gave a triumphant grin at Jones and when I turned my head back, Puna was wearing the damn thing on her head, a sickening expression on her face. "I see it now," Puna said with a maniacal giggle. "I see everything! I…no! No, it's not possible! I'm just a redshirt? No, I won't allow it! I must take control! I must avert my fate!"

She ran at Jones with her hands outstretched and Jones, without even hesitating, fired a blasting curse straight through her heart. Puna fell dead to the ground. I quickly grabbed the diadem before anyone else could pick it up. I heard whispers, dark and oily whispers, tempting me with absolute power and control. I ignored them. I don't give a damn about power. "What a tragedy," Jones said dispassionately.

"You don't seem too upset," I noted.

Jones gave a shaky laugh. "I suppose I'm in shock. Um, this can stay between us, right? The Aurors don't have to know."

I agreed that would probably be for the best. We don't need the Ministry snooping around. Besides, they technically don't have jurisdiction at Hogwarts due to some very bizarre legal loopholes which people are always promising to fix and never get around to doing. Jones's hands started shaking, confirming her hypothesis she was just in shock. "You'll destroy this thing, right?"

"Of course," I promised.

And, sure enough, we were able to destroy it that very afternoon. With two Horcruxes down, there was still one to go and this one would be the toughest one. The Black mansion was probably a fortress of dark magic, one of the most hostile places in the whole world. Sirius Black probably laid all sorts of evil traps on it before his imprisonment. I still can't believe people trusted him.

I carefully opened the door and a house elf appeared out of nowhere. He'd really let himself go. He was only wearing a filthy shift and looked like he was about to start rotting, so old and decrepit was he. "Blood traitors, filth, and mudbloods," the house elf said. "But Kreacher is used to disappointment by now."

"We're looking for a Horcrux," I told Kreacher. "Have you seen any objects that feel wrong?"

Kreacher looked dismissive for a few seconds – probably everything in the bloody house felt wrong now that I thought about it – but then something seemed to occur to him. "This object…would it be nearly impossible to destroy?"

I nodded enthusiastically. Was it possible that he was just going to hand over the object to us? "Please give it to us, Kreacher. It's evil and has to be destroyed."

Kreacher disappeared – literally disappeared as he Apparated somewhere in the house. Then he returned with a locket. It must have once belonged to Slytherin, because it was decorated with snake imagery and was engraved with a green S. "Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse."

"Ooh, that's bad."

"But it comes with a free butterbeer!"

"That's good!"

"The butterbeer is also cursed."

"That's bad."

"But you get your choice of toppings!"

"That's good!"

"The toppings contain potassium benzoate."

I stared at him blankly. "That's bad," Kreacher explained patiently.

"Can we go now?" one of my colleagues demanded.

And so we did leave and I blew up the damn Horcrux and that should be the last of them, Ron! You Know Who is mortal now and the world is safe. From him at least.

Unfortunately, Kreacher wasn't lying about the butterbeer being cursed, so now I'm stuck in bed with the mother of all stomachaches. The price for keeping the world safe, I suppose. The important thing is now you don't have to worry. You're not going to be in any more danger.

Love,

Bill

Director Eddington,

Alas, it would appear that our plans for Hogwarts have failed utterly. I blame Dolores Umbridge for this entirely and accept no responsibility. As you well recall, after realizing Potter would not make an acceptable puppet ruler (a realization I am sure we should have come to long before this), we recruited Umbridge as his replacement. Though possessed of blood purity prejudices, Umbridge's one and abiding priority is the accumulation of power for herself, and she had no problem throwing away all of her reluctance to work alongside Muggles once we promised her more power than she could imagine.

When Umbridge told us Lucius Malfoy would plant the diary Horcrux in the Granger girl's cell, we realized we could use the appearance of the basilisk to our advantage. Having a huge snake attacking Muggleborns would convince their parents to pull them out of the school. From there, we could convince them to attend an "academy" at Rudloe Manor, so we could experiment on them and find out precisely how they can channel magic, so that we may take such power for ourselves.

But once more, that whelp Potter has thwarted our plans. Now we will have to take a more direct approach. It matters not, though. We will win in the end. And there's nothing Potter can do about it.

Agent Machiavelli