IF YOU WANTED

"You wouldn't believe the kind of person I could become if you wanted it."

—Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice

—

?

? ? ?

? ? ? ? ?

The army stationed behind Jasper was floundering in such half-baked confidence that he battled the urge to send out a flicker of fear across the area. Perhaps he could wait a little longer. Eventually he'd be able to manifest a specific amount of terror in each of them and then fine tune that into an anger that would be immensely useful for what he needed these people to do.

He ignored a low growl and pulse of irritation from the center of their group. Maria was standing amongst them, readjusting their plan, altering everyone's individual roles to make sure they could actually succeed in their plan.

Retrieval was always such a fucking headache.

He knew that his plan had been without flaw. Bodies were disposable. They always had been, and Maria had emphasized that, drilling it into his head before every single battle, year after year after bloody, violent fucking year.

The irritation and annoyance behind him increased in volume and slowly began to drift closer. Jasper growled low in his chest, a warning to whoever thought that he wanted to hear what they had to say. He didn't know who would dare speak to him right before a battle. If they knew what was good for them they'd hang back, hear the plan, follow Maria's words, and not think twice.

Jasper soothed himself with the knowledge that once they were en route he'd be able to tweak everyone's emotional state to his own liking. He could turn them into a cohesive unit. He could stamp out their anxiety and dial up their furious focus. He couldn't do it yet, but he'd be able to do it soon.

A hand reached out to grab his shoulder and Jasper barely resisted the urge to tear it off. Jasper turned and hissed at the fool.

"Jazz," the boy in front of him barked angrily, and Jasper hated the attention that the other members of the army paid this. "Knock it off!" The boy snapped his fingers. The ridiculous hand was far enough away from Jasper that he couldn't smack it out of the air without stepping forward—and you never took the first step in a situation like this—but when the boy remained close, Jasper's desire to rip his digits off remained strong.

"Jasper!" The boy clapped his hands together. "Think about Alice." He clapped a few more times, his face morphing to reflect his acute misery. Jasper didn't understand. "Alice," the boy—no, not boy, Edward—spoke loudly and clearly. "We're going to get her. We're going to get Alice."

"Stop it." Jasper growled the words out and stepped forward to knock Edward's hand out of the way. He took another step to shove him away but Edward beat him to it, pushing Jasper in the chest firmly. Edward just barely shifted out of the way when Jasper turned to grab him.

"Don't!" Jasper growled angrily, trying so, so hard to push everything out of his mind. There was nothing except for violence there, and it needed to remain that way. "Don't," he snapped, turning and storming away.

Jasper ignored the words. He ignored the concerned murmuring behind him. He did not want the anxieties of a bunch of canon fodder. He did not take orders from any members of his army before a battle. Once final orders were given, not even Maria would be able to steer him off his path. Jasper would receive his orders and lead the charge. He would be the one to decide their pace. He was the one that would kill their enemies and secure them their prize.

"You need to think about Alice," the infuriating voice behind him insisted, a twinge of despair coloring the air. Jasper clamped his hands down over his ears and continued to walk away. He wouldn't hear this. He could not hear this. "Alice needs you, Jasper." The words still made their way past his cupped palms and Jasper nearly doubled over, trying to reign in his frustration.

He would not kill any member of his army yet. These missteps could not be punished until after their fight. That was, if the offending cretin survived it.

Jasper reminded himself that this was a retrieval.

He thought toward what they were retrieving, and for some reason Jasper couldn't remember what it was.

Alice, the name faintly echoed through his brain, but when he tried to pull up any association with the word—name?—his head spun and his stomach turned and his anxiety spiked and—and, no. No, now was not the time for him to lose his sense of self.

Jasper shook his head, closed his eyes, and bent forward, trying to set his head back on straight. Behind his eyelids he watched as something disappeared in a haze. Wide eyes, a soothing warmth, a musical laugh—

For a moment, Jasper forgot himself and tried to grasp at it. He pushed forward against the sensations and found himself confused when he forgot what he was looking for.

The memory fell through clenched fists.

The annoyance behind him drifted back toward the group and Jasper was grateful for the small mercy. Less than a minute later Maria's voice rang out. Its familiarity alone forced Jasper to straighten back to his full height, his hands falling from his face as he glanced back toward her.

"You," she called toward him, in Spanish. "You have one job and that is to keep as many of these idiots alive as you can."

Jasper, who was always part of the strike force, far better at offense than anyone on their side of the Sierra Madres, was incensed. He replied in a combination of Spanish and English. "We miss an opportunity to hit them where it hurts."

"Yeah well you'll be hurting worse if you don't do what I say," she snapped, already consumed by an outburst. "You are off the point but you can still hold your position."

Jasper felt his anger igniting in his hands and his feet, and inhaled slowly as the feeling travelled throughout his limbs, settling inside the high-pressure cavity that was his chest. "Who performs retrieval?"

"I do, motherfucker," she stepped forward and lifted a finger, pointing it in his face as she shouted. "You keep them alive, Peter keeps you alive, Edward gets Emmett, and I get your fucking mate."

The names rattled around in Jasper's brain, trying to fall into a proper order but failing. The word 'mate' was the one that caused him to stop, "What?"

"Fucking Christ, you really are gone." Maria's disbelief was worse than her fury. He could not have her doubting his abilities. He did not know how to handle that combination of emotions from her. He started speaking before he could let himself panic.

"I can do this," he growled, confused and angry and not ready to think twice about what she was implying. "I'll keep them alive. I'll follow your lead."

"You'll step back and let me lead the fucking charge."

"I will," he nodded, feeling so disgustingly young all of a sudden. "I can do this," he repeated, his words more desperate than he intended on making them. He could do this. He was worth keeping around. He could earn his keep and then maybe everything would feel worth it in the end.

Maria looked him up and down, and her skepticism was like a knife to the chest. She turned, stepped away, called everyone to attention, and they readied themselves to leave.

Jasper had been made for this. He was the finest weapon Maria had ever possessed. He was a strategic genius, a killing machine, and a fucking force to be reckoned with. If Maria wanted him to play defensive, then he would.

This, he thought, as he readied himself beside vampires that would likely end up dead without his aide, he could do.

He sharpened everyones focus, and then they were off.

A/N:

Last note of Act 4 right here.

Going to attempt to go back to my once-a-week posting schedule, but if life does what life does (stays silly) and if I miss a week here and there, oh well. Next chapter is an Alice one, the one after that (to conclude Act 4) is a Maria one. I'll check in with y'all again at the start of Act 5 in September. Until then, this is your last warning about the contents of the fic/triggers I've listed.

In the meantime, if you need something a bit lighter, don't forget to check out all the fun we have to offer with Three Books One Plot (just google us, trust me) including two complete seasons of our podcast, our bookclub (google: Bella's Book Club), and an incredible amount of jokes at Twilight's expense. Or follow my stupid tiktok (shutupmaybe) and help me continue my journey to getting the Cullens' birthdays.

Anyways. Enjoy your reading. Take care of yourself.
Good luck, have fun, keep the faith.

- Shannon