Olivia shut her bedroom door softly before leaning back against it. She needed a brief moment to collect herself. The weight of everything made her feel like the floor would swallow her up. She knew if she walked before gathering herself, gravity would inevitably drag her to the floor.
She closed her eyes and took a moment to breathe, but the sound of Noah's door shutting jerked her head up. She opened her eyes, and found Elliot leaning against Noah's door, mirroring her position.
They stood silently, and she felt his eyes drifting over her. She kept her eyes focused on the floor. She couldn't meet his gaze because he would see her. He was the only person who ever could.
"Liv, if this is too much..."
Her eyes immediately shot to his face as she fought her rising frustration. Sometimes it felt like his every impulse was the opposite of what she actually wanted.
Maybe she was more than exhausted because her voice held more bite than she anticipated.
"Why would you even say that?" She snapped. She didn't have the energy to check her tone. She was tired and emotionally shot, and she wasn't sure she could reassure him at this juncture.
His eyes narrowed as if her tone proved his point.
She sighed and leaned her head back against the door. "It's…" she wanted to say it was fine, that it was all fine, but he would clock her lie the minute it left her lips. She wanted nothing more than to brush him off, quickly reassure him, and go to bed, but an annoying prickle of a thought teased the corners of her brain.
This was his sincere attempt to care for her. He was checking in, not to make her carry his burdens but in an attempt to shoulder some of hers.
She pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's a lot." Every explanation rushed out. "But not in the way you're thinking. It's just... I want you here. I want her here."
He took a step away from the door. "But?" He prompted.
She wrapped her arms around herself, and tried to breathe into her discomfort. "It's not you or her or Katie. This is... this brings up a lot for me..and it's just... " she let out a sigh. "It brings up a lot of things I thought I let go of a long time ago."
He took another step in her direction so he was within arms reach. He shifted his weight, and she recognized his subtle cues of discomfort. This wasn't easy for him either, but he was trying, and maybe if they both tried hard enough they might actually get this thing right.
After a moment of excruciating silence, he asked, "What do you need?" His fingers lightly brushed the exposed skin on her upper arm, but he otherwise kept his distance. In a sense, he was completely conceding all control to her.
Goosebumps trailed behind his light touch. What did she want? She'd grown accustomed to their push and pull. For the first time in a long time, she didn't feel like she was being torn between what she should want or what she should do. He was giving her space to dictate what she wanted next, and this time it wasn't in response to her fear-based denial. He was voluntarily giving her space to think and choose without pressure, and it felt incredibly freeing.
"I want to sit and watch mindless TV with you until I fall asleep."
He let out a breathy laugh. He sounded relieved, like her simple request was music to his ears. She wasn't asking him to leave her alone. She wasn't sending him away. She wanted to be with him, and he looked at her like that was all he ever wanted.
She grasped the hand that had been tracing patterns on her arm and stepped towards her dimly lit living room. "Come on," she said with a gentle smile.
His hand remained in hers as she led him to the couch. She sat on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her and a throw pillow fit snugly against her side. She reached for the remote that sat on her coffee table while he snagged a blanket from a nearby arm chair.She turned on the TV while he threw the blanket over her legs. She scanned the channels for something to watch and waited for the feeling of the cushions sinking as he sat down beside her. It took a moment, but she realized that he had found a spot on the floor, leaning his back against the bottom of the couch.
Her half-functioning brain struggled to find a reason for the space he placed between them. Unable to come up with a logical reason, she stopped her channel surfing to ask, "What are you doing?"
His head tilted in her direction as he answered, "Hmm?"
She leaned forward and dropped the remote on the coffee table next to the stale popcorn left behind by the girls. She didn't care what they watched. That wasn't why she brought him into the living room.
"Why are you sitting on the floor?" The man couldn't be that dense. He had to know she wasn't looking for a TV-watching buddy. She craved the warmth of his comforting arms around her. She didn't want to be alone on the couch with him a mile away. She wanted his weight behind her and his warm breath in her ear. She wanted to feel like for once in her life she wasn't on her own. She wanted her partner,
"I didn't want to presume anything…" How could this infuriatingly cocky man look so unsure of himself? Maybe her consistent rejection had broken into his self-confidence a little.
If he needed explicit consent, she could provide it. "If I wanted you a mile away, I would have sent you home." She flipped the blanket away from her legs and shifted herself so her head lay on the throw pillow. The change in position offered an abundance of space behind her. It was an open invitation for him to join her and she sighed in relief when he pushed himself off of the floor.
He pulled his t-shirt over his head, leaving him in his sleeveless undershirt. With a tenderness she had not yet become accustomed to, he slipped behind her and curled his body around her. One of his legs draped over hers, and he reached for her hand, leaning their fingers together before settling the clasped hands on her stomach. His warm breath tickled her neck, and she knew she wouldn't stay awake for more than five minutes of the baking show flickering across the TV screen.
She felt warm and safe and loved.
She wanted to ask how things went with Liz and tell him her concerns over Katie, but the feeling of his body against hers and the cadence of his slow breathing lulled her quickly to sleep.
Somewhere on the fringes of sleep, she heard the rumble of his voice. "I love you." She sensed a barely there kiss on the back of her neck. "Thank you for being there for her, for us." There was a light squeeze of her hand, and one more hushed confession.
"I love you, baby. So. Damn. Much."
-000-
Lizzie and Katie stood at the end of the couch, mugs of coffee in hand. The morning sun had long ago filled the apartment with light, and both girls had clamored around the kitchen before noticing the deep sleeping bodies tangled up on the couch.
"You're sure they're not together?" Kathleen asked while sipping her coffee nonchalantly.
"Pretty sure." Lizzie's fingers wrapped around the warm ceramic of the mug. She let out a softchuckle. It felt nice to think about something—someone else. "I mean, I guess something could have happened in the last 24 hours."
Kathleen took another sip of her coffee. "They did come in together last night." She spoke as if she was gossiping about a couple hooking up at her office.
Lizzie shook her head and laughed lightly. She knew that whatever happened-or not- was much deeper than an in-office fling, but conversational tone felt light and frivolous and she was here for the much-needed distraction.
She needed a little light in her life, and gossiping with her sister felt normal. It gave her a sliver of hope. Maybe she could feel normal again. Maybe.
They sipped their coffees in silence, but Lizzie felt a little voyeuristic. Standing there watching them sleep, Lizzie tugged on her sister's elbow. "Let's leave them be."
Kathleen nodded and followed Liz out of the living room. Lizzie eyed the kitchen warily. Her desire to eat had been hit or miss since... but her stomach gurgled loud enough for Kathleen to notice.
Kathleen sighed. "You gotta eat."
"I know," Lizzie admitted sheepishly. "Nothing really settles well right now."
Katie nodded but reached for the bowl of fruit sitting on the nearby counter. Without looking, she snagged two bananas and held one out for Liz.
Liz took the offered food but hesitated. She had never struggled with eating, but the pressure of eating in front of someone made her heart race.
Ever intuitive, Katie tilted her head towards the hall. "Dude, Olivia has a huge TV in her room. I never pegged her as the TV in bed type." Liz felt a smile pull at the corner of her lips. Another wave of normalcy washed over her in the wake of Kathleen's typical habit of rambling. "That's not the point," Katie circled back. "Let's watch something dumb and distracting. You can eat when you feel up to it."
Tears pressed the corners of Liz's eyes. She felt as if she were riding a wild roller coaster of emotion. Her head spun as one emotion whipped to another. Anger, fear, despair, joy, desperation, and familial love tore her in every direction, and she felt powerless under their onslaught.
She brushed the tears away quickly and swallowed her emotion. "Sounds good."
Kathleen tugged on her hand and led her back to Olivia's room. She grabbed the remote and motioned for Liz to find a space on the bed. She turned on the TV and shuffled through a few channels before settling on some junk reality TV show. She turned the volume up to a low hum and joined her sister on the bed. Both girls sat with their backs against the headboard. matching blonde braids swung when they pointed and laughed at the absurd drama playing out in front of them.
With their attention diverted, Lizzie quietly peeled the banana sitting her. Her stomach growled loudly, but Kathleen's attention remained on the screen. Liz felt certain Kathleen heard it but was deliberately focusing somewhere else to give Liz some space.
The first bites settled well, and she surprised herself by finishing the banana.
"Oh, come on. No way she didn't see that coming!" Kathleen laughed loudly, and Lizzie diverted her attention back to the drama.
Lizzie laughed more at her sister's reaction than anything else. "Well, I mean, she was pretty into her yoga instructor. She might not have noticed her best friend hanging around her boyfriend's place." Elizabeth played into the drama debate.
"Sure, but I mean, come on. Her friend wasn't in the least bit subtle," Katie argued with a laugh.
"Okay, but did you see the yoga instructor's abs? No wonder she was distracted."
Both girls looked at each other and burst into laughter. Lizzie couldn't breathe; she was laughing so hard. For a moment, the darkness had abated. It was just her and Katie, and it felt good. Liz knew it wouldn't last forever. At some point the memories and the fear would come back and tighten their fierce grip around her throat, but for the moment she was okay.
She leaned her head onto Kathleen's shoulder, and Katie's perfectly manicured fingers pressed her a little closer in a half hug.
Growing up in a large family had its challenges, and there had been moments she wished for less chaos and more quiet, but right now, with Katie's light embrace, she thanked God she had a sister.