When Kathryn Janeway was born, the doctor gasped at her beauty. He would later insist she had been born smiling. He held her up for her uncaring mother's approval, with tears in his eyes. To think a woman like that would deliver such a beautiful child. But she was nonplussed, seeing nothing special about the infant, so he carried Kathryn down the hall for the nurses to see. She met the man in her 20's and he gazed in her eyes like he was facing a ghost. Over the years they had discussed her fate, wondering what would happen to the beautiful child. He had never met such a fated person. She was forever shackled to the fate of her perfect face.
Kathryn was pursued all her life, by almost everyone who found time to be alone with her. She tried to guard her physical appearance with a rough personality, but it never put much distance between she and those who sought to get close. She felt as a young woman, she would never escape the curse of her own appearance. It seemed to drive a wedge between she and herself, until looking in the mirror was jarring. Then she developed an entirely no-nonsense approach to interacting with others. She was simply exhausted from the constant predicaments her beauty inspired.
Sex never really impressed her much, until she met a particular woman. She was another creature of beauty, and she saw Kathryn entirely for who she really was. They fell in love, but the woman antagonized Kathryn with constant criticism. Their relationship was a complete failure, ending in disaster. Kathryn refused to even refer to the woman's name again. She had loved her deeply, but the woman was, at heart, unworthy. The knowledge she would never deserve Kathryn's immaculate goodness drove her to sabotage herself and their relationship for years until they could bare it no longer. Kathryn blamed herself because she could have acquiesced to the woman's demands for attention and approval, but she refused. Perhaps the woman's unworthiness was the problem. Kathryn always found it hard to reward unworthy people. Part of her wanted to give the woman all the love Kathryn knew she didn't deserve, but in her heart she just couldn't. She was incapable of loving such a flawed person on that deep of a level.
Kathryn hadn't plan to guard her heart or give up on notions of Romantic love, it seemed to happen on the peripheral during her 30's. She was focused on herself and kept forgetting to hold a relationship for longer than a few months. She had always been popular, especially in bed due to her appearance, but she seemed to grow inwardly isolated as she aged. Her beauty never waned in popularity but she quietly withdrew from most engagements after the sex was old. Perhaps that was her luxury, at her age.
When Kathryn met Seven of Nine, she was too old to have real concern in person. She laughed off the interactions and her own reaction to them. But as she sat alone at her desk looking at a photo of Seven when she was still Annika Hansen, angelic looking lemon blonde child in a pink jacket, she began to cry uncontrollably about Seven's life. She cried so hard she began to pray in earnest for God to help Seven. She found her heart crying out for the ability to trade her whole life's sorrow just to make Seven's pain disappear. Kathryn knew if she could fix her own life, she wouldn't, she would fix Seven's instead. Despite everything Seven had done and become since being /taken/ by the Borg Collective, Kathryn was convinced in her soul that Seven of Nine was the most worthy person of a good life, of everyone she had ever met. Kathryn wept just to know someone so worthy could exist in such a bad world. In Kathryn's eyes, Seven of Nine was truly an Angel.
Kathryn always liked sex best with women older than herself. They objectified her appearance the least and enjoyed sex the most. They also made her feel deeply secure. Whereas men and younger people of both genders always had an expectant attitude with Kathryn, older women never seemed to. They accepted what she could give them and rarely asked for more. Her emotional unavailability never made them hate her. Men were always wanting something, which bothered the hell out of Kathryn, but young women annoyed her the most. Kathryn's peculiar sexuality seemed to appeal to everyone, with each seeing whatever gender or age in her they wanted. As she aged through her thirties, she found it triggered younger women the most. Kathryn was amused by that, since she knew the pleasure of older women, but she found the look in their eyes quite repellant. She had never accepted the advances of a younger woman or even thought about it. They borderline creeped her out.
Kathyn was too popular Romantically to feel like she waited too long to settle down. She had not met the right person, she was involved with working most of her time, and she wasn't that old. She didn't think before she left on Voyager, her Romantic life was over. Yet the impact of her choices and their outcome had been profound. Kathryn was not allowed to engage sexually with anyone onboard Voyager, with the unique exception of Chakotay, although they still tried her. The more she was forced to harshly refuse these offers, the more isolated she felt. One morning she looked in the mirror and saw an older woman looking back at her, and just decided it was over. She was too old to fall in love, and anyway she was trapped on Voyager. She would never fall in love with the woman of her dreams, she would never marry, she would never have a family. She never knew how much it hurt her until she felt the pain of letting it go. She would never see the shining green eyes of her own children like she had dreamed. She dealt with the pain alone and reconciled herself.
"Are you going to reprimand Seven of Nine?" he asked abruptly as she exited her closet dressed in pajamas.
She glanced at him with a smile, "You know I'm not."
He let out a puff of breath. "She is undermining your authority."
She climbed under the sheets and snuggled to his chest. "Please ignore it."
"You don't let anyone else speak with or about you that way."
She sighed. "We have discussed this. It does not bother me. I don't blame her. It will pass."
He pushed her off his chest and rolled away. If Seven had done the same thing it would have sent her into hysterics. She just rolled away and snuggled to a pillow.
"They crew is losing respect for you," he told her darkly.
She sighed. "And I am losing respect for you."
He rose and began dressing in a huff. She watched him and eventually spoke.
"I don't understand why you're acting this way."
"Yes, you do."
"She's right most of the time. Even when I would prefer she not make things so obvious, I can't punish her. She's not wrong. I don't punish Tuvok for being impersonal or you for being too protective. These are just your natural personalities. Why does she bother you so much? I think you're the one who needs to let this go."
He waited out her gentle speech, thought about what she had said, and asked, "So I just wait for you to leave me for her?"
"Chakotay, do you really think that will happen?" her tone was pleading.
He stared at her laying in the sheets.
"Why are you talking around whether you want her or not?"
She sighed. "Because I can't have her either way."
He raised his hands. "You could have her right now."
She sat up in bed and looked at him. "What if I die, Chakotay?"
He winced.
"I dreamed of her standing by my grave, younger than thirty years old."
He was silent.
"All everyone wants to think about is the sex. What if I fuck her life up? What do I realistically have to offer her? Did you ever think, maybe I want to give her more? She deserves a home, a family, a full life, to realize all her dreams, to have every experience she desires. How the hell will I give her that? I'm going to die on this mission."
A tear rolled down her cheek and he looked out the window to avoid seeing her cry.
"Pain is temporary. She will find someone who can give her a future. I'll," her voice cracked, "I'll take her home. And she can have the life she deserves with someone who will always be there for her."
He sat on the bed and stroked her hair. "Katie, you won't die. I won't let you."
She sat up and looped her arms around his neck to cry on his shoulder.
"I just want to save her life," she wept. "That's all I can give her."
"I know, darling," he whispered as he pet her back.