Thankfully FanFiction isn't down anymore so I'm able to post another chapter! This one has quite the buildup between the two, including the chess scene but with a twist. It's a bit of a shorter chapter but a lot happens!

Hope you have all been enjoying their story so far! Please leave a review, any thoughts or questions x

Wishing you all a great week ahead :)

—-

Chapter 11:

Lara felt more gratitude being back in Skyhold than she ever did in Haven. Perhaps it was the magic in the walls, or the beautiful landscape that took her breath away, but something about Skyhold made her feel at home for the first time in years.

Once she was settled, she decided to go pay a visit to Cassandra and check on how Cullen was doing. He wasn't there waiting for her arrival from Crestwood nor did he respond to her letter. It was silent from Cassandra's end as well but perhaps no news was good news. She inquired with a nearby scout who informed her where Cassandra was.

She was too nervous to approach Cullen especially since he was on edge and she hadn't yet given him an answer. The more physical distance between them the better. Familiar voices reached her ears as she entered. She quietly rounded the corner and there stood Cullen, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose again.

Shit…

"You asked for my opinion and I have given it. Why would you expect it to change?" Cassandra stood firmly, clearly not budging.

"I expect you to keep your word. It's relentless! I can't - " Cullen's voice sounded like pure pain.

What's relentless?

"You give yourself too little credit, Cullen!" Cassandra cut him off.

"If I cannot fulfill the vows I kept, then what good has come of this? Would you rather save face than admit I cannot do this?" Cullen was desperate.

Lara tried to peer over to catch a look at his face, to see if he was still ill but she lost her footing and tripped forward into view of them.

Cullen faced her immediately and she felt the air leave her lungs. He hadn't improved since she left for Crestwood. His features were still ill-stricken and she was sure he had lost more weight. Was he not eating as well as not sleeping? She stared at him like a deer in headlights, she couldn't look away. A stab of guilt pained her unknowingly.

He closed the distance between them and Lara didn't know what to expect. In a flash, his features changed to a look of pure pain on his face.

"Please forgive me," He muttered and left her there frozen.

"And people say I'm stubborn. This is ridiculous," Cassandra called after him.

She let out a sigh. "I'm assuming Cullen told you he no longer takes lyrium?"

…What…

The world stood still. She was forgetting to breathe. All of a sudden everything hit her with a force she was not prepared for. Cullen always looking tired, the times he staggered, his painful expressions, his complexion, lack of strength compared to the other templars. He didn't silence her because he couldn't. Solas's words rang in her head.

He left the Order.

This was how he was no longer bound by the Order. He cut off lyrium.

"I take that as he didn't. I respect his decision, not that he listens to what I have to say. Cullen requested I find a replacement. I refused," Cassandra continued.

"He can't leave, it would destroy him," Lara said out loud.

"I agree."

"Why didn't he tell me?" Lara whispered.

"We had an agreement before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. Also, he didn't want to…risk your disappointment," Cassandra finished, looking at her.

Why does my disappointment matter?

"Can we change his mind?" Lara asked.

"If anyone could, it's you. Mages have made their suffering known but templars never have. Cullen has a chance to break that leash from the Order and inspire others to follow suit. Talk to him, Lara," Cassandra replied and left her alone to her thoughts.

—-

After finding Rylen, Lara made her way up to Cullen's new quarters. This was her first time being here and wasn't sure what to expect compared to the makeshift one he had in Haven. Now, he had a nice little tower all to his own. The door was open, and Lara braced herself. She was at a loss for words but knew she needed to talk to him.

As she approached the door, she heard a loud yell and an object smash in front of her missing her by seconds. Lara jumped back in shock. Now clearly was not a good time…

"Maker's Breath! I didn't hear you…You're not hurt, are you?" He was gasping for air.

"He's asking if I'm okay…" Lara replied, bewildered.

"Forgive me," Cullen lowered his head, walking around his desk.

"Stop asking for my forgiveness and start talking to me," Lara demanded, taking a few steps in.

"You don't have to…" Cullen let out a groan and staggered, holding onto the desk.

Without thinking, she ran to him and put her arms around him as if she could hold him up. She was suddenly aware of how close she was to him, his scent clouding her thoughts. The hold this man had on her was so unknown to her.

"I never wanted this to interfere," He whispered.

"Are you going to be alright?" She replied.

"Yes…I don't know…" He hung his head. Suddenly, as if he realized she was holding him, he jumped back from her grasp.

"I haven't been honest with you. You asked about my time as a Templar. I'm sure you're aware of what happened in Ferelden Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The templars - my friends - they were slaughtered!" He was gasping for air again, anger filled his voice.

He turned, facing the small rectangular window trying to catch his breath. Lara stood there watching him. She knew very well what happened. She had no idea that Cullen was there.

"I was tortured…" His voice now full of pain. Lara felt her heart being torn.

"They tried to break my mind, and I - how can you be the same person after that?!" He let out a laugh, that sounded more like a cry.

Lara remained still. She didn't dare say anything, not wanting him to stop his confession.

"Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness! The Circle fell…Innocent people died in the streets," He suddenly turned to face her, eyes wide in fear.

"Lara, can you see now why I want nothing to do with that life? That life that you so constantly hold against me?" He addressed her.

Guilt stabbed her body. She hadn't realized his life as a Templar cut that deep. What he had been through. He was tortured. He wanted to serve and help people and instead he was thrown into the deep end, with no one to save him. Yet, here he was, accepting a mage as his Inquisitor. Accepting her.

"I do…" She started.

"Don't!" He spat. "You should be questioning what I've done!"

He walked over to the bookcase, holding onto it for dear life, his knuckles turning white.

"I thought this would be better, that I would regain control over my life…but these thoughts won't leave me," He spoke the words through gritted teeth.

He started pacing back and forth angrily. Lara took a few steps back to give him his space. She had never seen him like this and felt responsible for it. She used magic against him, she forced him to accept mages practicing freely, she used his past against him. She was no better than the mages who tortured him, adding to his pain.

"I swore to this cause! I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry! I will not give less to you! I should be taking it…I should be taking it!" He slammed his fists against the bookshelf, knocking some books down.

He's having a meltdown…

She rushed towards him, risking his wrath. She cupped his face in her hand. His eyes widened, and locked with hers. The anger, hurt, and pain washing away from his features, from his composure almost as if melting into her touch.

"Cullen, look at me, please," She whispered, not knowing what the hell was compelling her.

He was silent, but didn't push her away.

"This isn't about me or the Inquisition. What do you want?" She continued.

He let out a deep sigh, his body relaxing more. After a moment, he spoke, his voice more subdued.

"I want to stop. These memories always haunt me. It's why I can't sleep. If they become worse, if I cannot endure this…"

"You can. I will be by your side," Lara answered, hoping he would understand.

She had no idea what was compelling her. Perhaps it was him opening up, perhaps it was his past, perhaps it was guilt, but she couldn't make him an enemy. Not after what he had been through. Not after he had been this vulnerable with her.

He understood her meaning, his eyes widened immediately. He stood up taller, and placed his gloved hand on top of hers. The touch sent electricity through Lara's body.

"Does that mean I have your answer? Lara…do not - " He started, his voice shaky.

"Do not toy with you? I'm not. That is my answer, Cullen."

He lowered his forehead down to hers, the proximity sending shivers down her spine, goosebumps forming across her body.

"And I shall be by yours," He replied for only her to hear.

—-

A few days had passed since their encounter. This was Lara's strategy it seemed. She was drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. Each encounter bringing them closer, her walls being torn down brick by brick by the tortured Templar she couldn't stay away from. The proximity was intoxicating but overwhelming, so when she got her fill, she kept him at arms length to recompose herself until she was ready to face him again.

I really am fucking awful. I'm toying with him and he knows it.

She had no experience when it came to men besides staying the fuck away from them. So, for now, she kept her distance so he could recover. She spoke to Cassandra regarding lyrium supplies and agreed it was best to ensure that his second-in-command, Rylen, looked after the lyrium supplies in the meantime while Cullen was recovering. Lara also went to visit Solas in his new rotunda that he was painting. Lara gave him permission to paint and make it his own. She was confident with her decision, the paintings so beautifully drawn she couldn't wait to see it completed.

"Solas, do you have a moment?" Lara approached him.

"For you. Of course," He replied, giving her a smile, climbing down from the scaffolding.

"It kills me to admit…but I spoke with the Commander. I understand now how he isn't bound to the Order. You knew this whole time?" Lara faced him.

"Your stubbornness still amazes me. Yes, I knew he no longer took lyrium. It wasn't my story to tell, lethallan," He replied.

"Lethallan?" Lara asked, confused.

"In my language it means one with whom you are familiar. I would say we are very connected. I considered calling you da'len, which means little child or little one since you are the youngest of your family but perhaps you may not appreciate that," Solas explained.

"Damn right I do not," Lara narrowed her eyes at him.

Solas laughed. "I assumed as much. I must admit I respect you. Despite your rebellious nature, you show a wisdom I have not seen since…since my deepest journeys into the Fade. A wisdom so unlike your people. You are not what I expected in so many ways," Solas looked out into the distance.

"Sorry to disappoint," Lara replied, smiling.

"You most definitely do not," Solas answered.

"I need your help. With Cullen. His symptoms, his withdrawals. Is there anything he can take?" Lara turned to him.

"This is what I meant about your wisdom. What ails him?"

"He mentioned headaches, weakness, unquenchable thirst, and cold sweats. He doesn't sleep much because of the nightmares and it's taking a toll on him. And no, taking him to the Fade is not an option," Lara glared at him before he could answer.

Solas smiled, "I wouldn't dream of it. He can take elfroot tea for the time being to help with the headaches and weakness. I will discuss with Adan any potions that may aid him."

Lara nodded, "Any chance you may be able to give him the tea? You can say I sent you."

"Certainly. Why are you avoiding him?" It was a demand as if he already knew.

"Damnit Solas…stop reading my mind," Lara lowered her head, "I just need space from him."

The elf placed a hand on her shoulder and nodded in acknowledgment. He didn't press on any further almost as if he understood their situation. He left her alone to her thoughts by his desk. Dorian was enough of a hassle whenever she kept Cullen at arm's length. Now Solas of all people was in on it. She wrapped her arms around herself, confused at her situation with the Templar she gave her word to that she would be by his side.

—-

Dorian had let slip to her advisors that in the Elder One's future, Empress Celene was assassinated. That meant a trip to the Winter Palace. Lara, Josephine, and Vivenne had been working on a plan. For now, the Fallow Mire needed her and it was dreadful. Lara almost preferred the Storm Coast to here.

They needed to discover Widris's secret messages and save Inquisition soldiers who had been apprehended in Hargrave Keep. Lara brought Dorian, Iron Bull, and Vivienne with her. In between missions and setting up camps throughout the Mire, Lara sought out for any herbs and stones that she thought would be useful as well as any requests from Skyhold.

Exhausted, Lara sat down with Iron Bull and Dorian before turning in. Vivienne already turned in early to get her beauty sleep.

"That staff is in pretty good shape, Dorian. You spend a lot of time polishing it?" Bull spoke, and winked.

Lara let out a snort. "Am I interrupting something?"

Dorian let out a groan and avoided any eye contact. Bull let out a chuckle.

"If you need help polishing it, you know where my tent is," Bull stood up and went to his tent.

Lara opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

"Don't!" Dorian barked, knowing she was going to say something.

"And wipe that smirk off your face," He continued.

Lara's smirk only grew. "Yes, sir."

"I take it our Commander is at arm's length again," Dorian changed the subject.

"I gave him my answer. He needs space to recover anyways. The withdrawals have been taking a toll on him," Lara answered.

"Mhmm," Dorian replied.

"What?" Lara asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing my dear."

"You're up to something…Dorian, stop it," Lara narrowed her eyes.

"Goodnight," Dorian leaned over and kissed the top of her head before returning to his tent.

—-

Lara was relieved to be under Skyhold's sun again once they were finished from the Fallow Mire. Dorian invited Lara to play chess in the courtyard where they could have a private conversation. She needed the distraction and wanted to catch up with Dorian. Making her way over, she admired the work done in Skyhold. Restoration was coming along beautifully. She would live here forever if she could.

The courtyard was serene. It was swarmed with nature and the warm sunshine welcomed Lara as she entered and she felt herself recharging. A girl could get used to this. She spotted Dorian sitting with a chessboard in front of him, assessing it. She didn't see anyone across from him so figured he was warming up until Dorian's next words made her heart skip a beat.

"Are you sassing me, Commander? I didn't know you had it in you," Dorian was amused.

Fucking Dorian! He planned this.

She heard Cullen muttering something until he caught sight of her and he stood up immediately, his eyes locked on hers.

"Leaving already? Does this mean I win?" Dorian continued with a smile on his face.

"I hope you two are playing nicely," Lara said, glaring daggers at Dorian.

Cullen sat back down, looking at the board in front of him, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm always nice," Dorian responded, winking at her. "You'll need to come to terms with my inevitable victory, Commander. It'll be much easier."

"Really?" His voice sounded happy which surprised Lara. He even looked better than when she last saw him in his office. "Because I just won. I feel fine," He let out a chuckle.

"Don't get so smug," Dorian rose to his feet. "Your turn, my dear," He winked at her as he walked past. Lara could have killed him on the spot.

Cullen looked up at her, a faint blush on his cheeks. "I'm sure you are busy. There is work I need to do anyway…" He was nervous.

"Prepare the board, Commander," Lara addressed him.

Cullen looked at her taken aback at her sudden boldness, but soon smiled at her. Dorian had clearly set this up, that much was obvious. She was sure he sensed it as well so she might as well play along with it. Taking Dorian's empty seat, she took in his features as he prepared the board. The bags under his eyes weren't so heavy, his complexion was returning, his face shaved, and his mood light. She found herself entranced by the scar on his upper lip moving as his lips moved, her heart pounding and butterflies forming in her stomach.

"As a child, I played with my sister, Mia. She had this stuck up grin whenever she won which was all the time," He let out a low chuckle which sent a jolt straight to her core.

"My brother and I practiced for weeks. The look on her face when I finally won."

"I didn't know you had siblings."

"Three. Two sisters and a brother. I haven't seen them in years," Cullen looked lost in thought. "I wonder if she still plays…"

"Where are they now?"

"They moved to South Reach after the Blight, I don't write to them as often as I should. How many siblings do you have?" He asked her.

"Two. I'm the youngest," Her answer was cold. She didn't look at him.

Cullen seemed to get the message she didn't want to talk about her family and made his next move on the board.

"The elf root tea seems to be helping. You look better," Lara changed the subject.

He looked at her surprised. "How did you know?"

Shit! Solas didn't tell him…way to go, Lara.

"Uh…fuck," Lara let out a sigh. "I asked Solas to help you with your symptoms. I thought he told you but it seems I've blown my cover."

"You make it seem like it's a horrible thing that you care about me," Cullen watched her, his honey hues becoming molten the more he stared.

"Who said I cared?" Lara looked up and instantly regretted locking eyes with him. The intensity of his gaze made her feel sensations no man should bring upon a woman just with his gaze.

"Lara…" He said her name as if it were a warning.

Too close! He's seeing right through me…

She wanted to scream but she remembered Dorian's words about her stomping her feet like a privileged brat. This was different. She didn't let anyone in, she was always alone. Now someone was knocking down that barrier and it was frightening her. She wanted to leave him here, but she couldn't break from his gaze. His intensity was holding her in place. Surely he was feeling what he made her feel.

"I never knew green was my favorite color until recently," He spoke as if they were the only ones in the courtyard.

Her breath caught in her throat, and the world stopped for a moment. He was talking about her eyes as he stared into them, not daring to break their gaze. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she processed what he told her. It was a confession. Only for her.

"Don't say things like that…" She whispered out loud, still frozen in place. Still locked in his gaze.

He smiled at her. Heat pooled in her core, her body melting in her chair.

"I believe it is your turn," He responded.

How the hell am I supposed to focus? After what he just said…

They played in a heated silence, their eyes constantly locked on each other. When Lara licked her lips nervously, his eyes darted straight to her mouth which made the heat in Lara's core intensify. Not only was he Commander of her army, he was Commander of her body too. It made Lara uneasy. He was her enemy, but also wasn't at the same time. He left that life, he even was risking his own life by stopping lyrium just so he could be free. Yet, Lara was still holding onto his past. To what he was. She needed to in order to keep him away.

"And this one's mine," Cullen broke the silence, arms crossed over his chest, wearing a smug smile. Perhaps the very same one he accused his sister of.

"Of course it is. You distracted me," Lara responded annoyed.

Suddenly, he leaned in closing the space between them. Lara sat up a bit straighter, bracing herself for what he was going to say next. He was so confident with her now. A different side of him was showing. She knew this was because she said she would be by his side almost as if she helped him take down a part of her barrier.

"Let me in, Lara. Stop resisting," He spoke in a low voice, his golden hues shining in the sun.

"I've never let anyone in," The words flowed out of her before she even had time to process.

His response surprised her. "Neither have I," Another confession.

The intensity and tension between them felt like it was bubbling, threatening to explode at any second. Lara felt an ache in her body she couldn't quite place, unfamiliar emotions running throughout her.

"Cullen…" She started, his name a prayer on her lips. She was pleading for him to stop, for him to make the ache go away, for him.

"You gave me your word that you will be by my side. I will see that you are," He stood and gave her a nod before leaving.

She watched him walk away, the sun shining on him. She let out a breath she was holding as soon as he disappeared. Her body was a puddle of emotions, heat, and frustration. She gave him her word, there was no going back now and she knew it. There was an undeniable and unspoken chemistry between them. He was aware of it. Her response to him confirmed that. Her giving him her word confirmed that.

What have I done?