Chapter 34 - Reconciliation
"Today's assignment will require you to procure the Essence of Care, as well as the Essence of Forgiveness, which make up the core components of the Wiggenweld Potion. Now that you should have acquired at least a... rudimentary grasp of the intricacies of Reflective Potions, we shall see if you have what it takes to brew anything... of value."
Iris met Hermione's reluctant look, and they wordlessly settled into their familiar rhythm. They had been more or less sticking to the book for their latest potion base, and consequently had rarely gotten full marks, not to mention extra credit. For this one it seemed to be heading down the same path, although Iris did have a hunch of how to increase the potency of the dittany, but that would require her to take a page out of Snape's book and sacrifice stability in the base, which she was pretty sure Hermione wouldn't be happy with.
And that wasn't even getting into the main ingredients of the potion. She supposed the Essence of Care would be simple enough, but Forgiveness? How on earth was she supposed to capture that?
Would it still work if she purposefully provoked a situation that she could forgive someone for after the fact? She wasn't sure. On the one hand, if it really was the other person doing the wrong, it should. But if she orchestrated the entire situation with the goal of forgiving them from the start?
Iris picked up the list of ingredients from Hermione and made her way to the ingredient's cupboard.
But then again, she wouldn't have to create a situation in the first place, right? Could she just forgive someone for something that already happened? But there wasn't anything like that, right? She wouldn't be...
Maybe McGonagall? She really had made the first half of her year hell in Transfiguration, but well, in the end, hadn't she just been concerned for her safety? And Flitwick had even said it had been his fault in the first place...
She didn't know. Was there anything else?
The collected assortment of ingredients clutched in her arms; she made her way back to their shared desk.
Well, there was Hermione, and their shared animosity. Throwing a look at the girl revealed a thoughtful expression on her face, probably having similar thoughts. But she hadn't really done anything that Iris could really forgive her for, other than shoot her looks mostly...
Then there was Greengrass. But yet again, looking back at it, she felt like her verbal backhand had probably been pretty justified, there really was nothing to forgive her for.
She blinked, and her eyes widened. Malfoy? That was... there was no way, was there? He had done a lot of things she could probably forgive him for, but also, she didn't know if she really could. Also, in a way, it had felt like the whole thing had been her fault in the first place, if the ritual had actually caused it, so it would be more like forgiving herself...
Wait, could that work? No way, right?
Iris picked up the silver knife and started slicing up the dittany leaves.
Forgiveness. Well, it was just about forgiving past mistakes, ending the lingering resentment, could that work as well?
And there were so many things that came to mind... First, of course, Draco. There was also Neville, and Tracey, Hermione, and Harry, again and again. She had put her friends in Danger, sometimes managed to fix it, and sometimes she didn't. But she quickly found the problem with that.
What had happened with Draco, or Neville, or Harry... She had been stupid, reckless, not thinking of the possible consequences of her actions. And her friends had paid the price.
That was something she could never forgive herself for. And that wasn't even getting into the whole mess with Professor Quirrell, which she really didn't want to think about. All she could do is try her very best to ensure none of these things would ever happen again.
If this avenue of thought would work, it would have to be something that truly hadn't been her fault. Where nothing she could have done would have made a difference. But therein lay the problem. Unlike Harry, she was not in the habit of blaming herself for things that hadn't actually been her fault. And not just because more often than not, they actually had been her fault in a way.
She swept up the cut leaves and gently sprinkled them across the cauldron.
How about the thing last Halloween then? Well, Lupin hadn't so much forgiven her, as he had refused to acknowledge that it had been her fault in the first place. But it had been. She had put the Weasley twins in danger, and herself. And Lupin would have paid for it too, in a strange roundabout way, if she hadn't managed to fix it. She had been reckless, had taken an unplanned detour through the shadows and it had almost cost them their lives.
But thinking back, this wasn't something she could forgive herself for, either. And not because she wasn't willing to, but rather because of what could have happened if she hadn't. Yes, with the benefit of hindsight, Harry had been fine all along. But she hadn't known that. And if there was even the slightest chance of something worse happening to Harry, something that she maybe could have prevented or helped with, then she would make that very same choice again every single time. And as far as she could tell, the secret passage had been the only way out of there, and if the alternative would be to sit back and possibly risk that... That wasn't even a real choice, was it?
Iris slowly realized that this wasn't going to work. Anything she blamed herself for, she wasn't willing to forgive for one reason or another.
She slowly let out a breath. Was it really coming down to McGonagall in the end? This task was quickly starting to become annoying. Almost as annoying as the hand waving around in front of her face.
Iris blinked. "Huh? What?"
Hermione shot her a look. "I said was there anything you wanted to try with this one?"
Iris' eyes darted around, gathering a quick update on the situation. The potion was about half-way done, and so far, had proceeded exactly according to the recipe.
"Uhm... yeah, actually. I think we could increase the temperature by a notch before adding the rest of the dittany leaves, and also leave out some of the lionfish spines. It'll be less stable, but I think we can probably make up for that in the second part."
Hermione gave her an uncertain look, before confirming, "Are you sure?"
"As sure as I can be," Iris replied, which was technically not a lie, but Hermione probably wouldn't be thrilled if she told her that she was basically making it up as she went along.
~V~
As sure as she could be, was, it turned out, not as much of a guarantee as she had hoped.
Increasing the temperature had as expected increased the green glowing tinge emitted by the dittany leaves about three-fold, but also had caused the cauldron to bubble a lot more than it should, and after adding only seven of the ten lionfish spines, once she had taken it off the heat, the potion had suddenly crystalized into a mass of solid green glowing shards. And while they were really pretty, they were probably pretty useless for their second part of the potion. Sadly, this time, there wasn't any more lesson remaining to try a second attempt, so Iris had reluctantly agreed to meet with Hermione in one of the abandoned classrooms next to the Gryffindor tower the following night.
"-and all by yourself?"
Iris' eyes widened as she recognized the voice from around the corner, and she immediately flattened herself against one of the statues. She wasn't going to be interacting with him in any way, if she could help it.
"The Nargles don't like too much company," a second voice sounded from around the corridor. Luna? Why was she all the way over here?
"Nargles, you say?" came the incredulous reply, on par with the usual reaction people seemed to have to Moo.
"They only talk to me when nobody else can hear," Luna admitted.
"Ah. And why didn't you do so in your dorm? It is almost curfew, you know," he added in that very tone that sent shivers down Iris spine.
"They... really don't like my room."
There was a drawn-out pause, and Iris carefully edged around the corner, catching a glimpse of Lockhart looming over Luna with a thoughtful expression.
"Would you satisfy my curiosity on one account, Luna?"
The girl just blankly stared up at him and Iris couldn't fault her.
"Where were you during the feast on the night of Halloween this year?"
Luna barely hesitated and replied in her usual tone. "I sadly wasn't able to attend it. Someone must have accidentally locked the door to our dorm's bathroom from the outside. The Wrackspurts probably made them forget to check."
Lockhart was probably as clueless as Iris what to make of that statement.
"Well, then don't let me keep you any longer, you best head back to your dorm now, alright?"
"Okay," Luna simply replied and skipped off down the hallway, past Iris and up the staircase. She leaned back and noticed Lockhart still standing there, seemingly lost in thought.
"What is it with girls talking to themselves in the hallway, Gilderoy? That's the third one this week. Just need one from Hufflepuff now to complete the set..." he muttered and chuckled at his own joke.
"Probably not worth a chapter by itself, but it might make a good side-plot, wouldn't it? A fine template for one tragic fate or another..."
Iris frowned at the idea of him using whatever was going on with Luna to add drama to his books. She knew they couldn't have been all true, he seemed to be at least making up the smaller details that weren't relevant to the main story apparently.
Was he already writing a book about the Heir of Slytherin business? And shouldn't he be focusing on figuring out that first? She watched him turn and stroll down the corridor in the opposite direction, and followed his form until he was well and truly out of sight, when she finally let out a breath.
Although something about what Luna had said really rubbed her the wrong way. She'd have to talk to the girl again soon, she hadn't seen her much outside of the occasional shared meal.
Iris pushed open the last door of the hallway leading to Gryffindor tower, revealing the girl, cauldron already set up, with the assorted collection of ingredients on the desk next to it.
"Good, you're here," Hermione noted at her entrance.
Iris nodded at her and made her way over to the cauldron.
"So... Do you want to stick to the recipe, or do you want to try again?"
Iris turned and gave Hermione a disbelieving look. She hadn't expected her to still want to try, especially after what had happened on their first attempt. Although, she guessed, they had more than enough time and ingredients for several attempts. So, in the end, she shrugged.
"Uhm... Well, we can, if you want... But I really have no idea where it actually went wrong. The increased heat did manage to triple the potency of the dittany, but also really destabilized the potion. I was hoping to stave off the effects by leaving out some lionfish spines, but... I have no idea why it crystallized like that in the end..."
Hermione took on a thoughtful look. "Crystallization occurs when there is a dominant single reactive ingredient that reaches a temperature where it is able to form a crystal lattice, when it isn't counterbalanced by sufficient other ingredients that either prevent the formation of crystals in the first place or break the lattice once it starts forming."
Iris was pretty sure she had just read that from a textbook, except that, well, there wasn't one. She also couldn't remember this from their potions book. Has she actually gone and researched what had happened on her own?
"Huh... Okay, assuming that is true, what do we do then? If we don't leave out some of the lionfish spines, it will be even more unstable, and probably won't last until next lesson."
Hermione nodded. "Well, I went looking in the library, and found a reference to a spell that forces a liquid to remain, well, a liquid, allowing it to enter a supercooled state."
"Huh. I've never heard of a spell like that," Iris replied thoughtfully.
"It was in a pretty obscure alchemy book—I don't think they teach it at Hogwarts at all..." Hermione admitted.
Iris raised an eyebrow. "And did you try it?"
Hermione actually blushed. "Well, yeah... But I couldn't quite get it right... I think there's some sort of trick to it... But well, maybe you could do it?"
Iris' second eyebrow joined her first.
"Uhm... well... as much as I hate to say it, you and Greengrass are basically on top of our Charms class, and from what I've heard from Justin—and seen in Defense, it's not even close, really..."
Well, she guessed? Iris had been mostly focused on trying to one-up Greengrass, she hadn't really paid much attention to the rest of the class for a while. Hearing Hermione of all people admit that caused an involuntary blush to color her cheeks.
"Hm... maybe? Do you have the book here?"
Hermione nodded and pulled out a large, weathered tome that was probably older than both of them put together several times over. Flipping it open to a page marked with an orange post-it note revealed a small section on spells dealing with phase transitions. Hermione pointed out one of them, and Iris read through the description.
The way it was supposed to work seemed pretty straight forward, yet the incantation was pretty strange, denoted using phonetics that she wasn't quite familiar with.
"Parameni Ugro?"
"No, the Y is more like a E, and the EI is more like an A, also you need to sort of mash the words together."
"What?" Iris replied dumbfounded.
"It's Greek," Hermione simply said, as if that explained everything.
After a few more attempts she finally had the pronunciation down to Hermione's satisfaction, and moved on to the wand motion, only to be stumped yet again.
It didn't seem all too complicated, yet the tiny numbers on the chart which denoted the exact timing of each syllable in accordance with the wand motion just wouldn't line up in her mind. She went through it again and again, yet every time, Hermione found something else to correct. What was up with this spell? Usually, this part always came so naturally to her, she never had to think much about the pronunciation or the wand motions, they mostly just made sense, her wrist and mouth almost running through the motions by themselves. But this one actually forced her to focus on what she was doing. Which was even more strange since the motion didn't even seem all too complicated when compared to something like the animation charm.
Iris frowned and forced herself to focus on the actual spellwork for the first time. It wasn't that difficult; she could do this.
When she finally felt confident in her motion, she turned to the final puzzle piece. This one at least went about the same as always. Obviously, it would have to use Control, but what else? Force didn't quite seem to fit, neither did Destruction. But, well, she was trying to control a liquid, trying to force it to remain in a liquid state... Well, water was a liquid. She wasn't really using water here, but the principle was the same. The spell had probably even been designed with water in mind in the first place.
Iris took a breath, then drew her wand, and aimed it at the glass of water Hermione had provided. She produced the familiar glow of Yellow and Orange merged into one, and narrowed her eyes as she carefully went through the motion and spoke the spell.
This caused the water to spontaneously start boiling.
"Not quite, you need to make the first E shorter, and also your final swish was a bit too narrow, I think..."
Iris frowned. What was wrong with her today? This was usually the easy part.
Once more staring at the drawing, and performing the motion a few times, she firmed her jaw and repeated her attempt.
"Paraménei Ygró!"
There was a yellow flash, and then, nothing.
"...How do we know if it worked?"
Hermione drew her own wand, jabbed it at the glass, then swiped it in a circle and incanted firmly, "Glacius!"
A flash of cold, and ice crystals began forming on the outside of the glass. Yet as it went on, the inside miraculously remained a liquid.
"You did it! I couldn't get that to work the whole day..." Hermione muttered.
Iris frowned. "Hang on, you didn't get the motion down? You've been correcting me the whole time! I don't think I could have done it that fast without your help..."
"No, I got the motion, and the incantation, it just wasn't working. I don't know why it didn't, but of course it's now working for you..." the girl grumbled, causing Iris to shrug sheepishly.
"Well, do you want to try the potion again using the spell then?"
Hermione's mood lifted as quickly as it had fallen. "Sure. You start cutting up the dittany again, I'll prepare the cauldron."
And with that decided, they settled into their familiar rhythm.
"So... Iris?" Hermione suddenly spoke up.
"Yeah?" Iris replied.
Hermione closed her eyes, seemingly steeling herself, then continued, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something."
Ah. Finally, the real reason they were doing this, here, now. Iris already had a hunch where this was going. Her suspicions were confirmed when she noticed the girl reaching into her bag and heard a distinct click.
"About that time, you know, with the Cerberus..."
Iris looked at her with attention, prompting her to continue.
"What happened that night... I haven't told anyone about really. It was... well, I don't really know how to describe it. It was horrible, and scary, and I couldn't even bring myself to care about it, which made the whole thing even more scary in hindsight," Hermione admitted, which caused Iris' eyebrows to raise.
"I... I don't know what you did, or how, or even why, but... I understand that you were trying to save me and Harry. It is just..."
Hermione trailed off, and looked down at the cauldron as she kept stirring.
"Ever since that day. Whenever I look at you, a part of me can't help but feel scared," the girl muttered.
Iris blinked. First Neville, and now Hermione as well? She wasn't that scary, was she? Well, unless she tried to be, that was. At least, that's what she hoped.
"When you got knocked out... I couldn't find you, I couldn't see anyone, anywhere, and I... well I kind of panicked. I didn't know what had happened to you, and didn't know what to do, so I... went to find a teacher."
Iris eyes widened. "You did? While in the shadow realm?"
"That's what it's called? I... Well, I somehow made it to the teachers' wing, and found Professor Sprout."
She did what? This was bad. If Sprout had seen her, if she knew...
"She... she didn't recognize me. I think... she thought I was... a Lethifold."
Hermione had stopped stirring, and was now staring down into the cauldron, not looking at her. A Lethifold? What? Well from the descriptions in Lockhart's book... maybe? They did sound somewhat similar in appearance...
"She... well, she drew her wand and... she... cast the Patronus charm."
"What? What did that do? Erm... are... you okay?" Iris exclaimed.
The Patronus charm was one of the few spells that the book on Polarized Magic had detailed. It was supposed to drive away creatures of darkness. And with the way her shadows had been interacting with other creatures of darkness, like the tomes, or Lupin...
"I... well I'm not sure, I don't really remember much after that. I... woke up in some other part of the castle sometime later, although I have no idea how long that was. And well, it was... strange. I was... I felt like I was losing myself... The longer I stayed in there, the worse it grew," the girl whispered, unable to look at anything but the bubbling green cauldron.
"I couldn't think, couldn't feel... When you finally found me, I... the exit was right there, what I had been so desperately trying to find the whole time, and... when it was finally in front of me, I... I just didn't... see the point..."
What on earth? What was she talking about? Was that a result of being hit with that spell? She had never experienced anything like that...
"I..." Hermione took a deep breath and continued. "It was the worst thing I've ever felt, not being entirely myself, and being completely fine with it, not even realizing it."
Iris took a sharp breath. Something about this rang way too close to home. But what he had done had been different, hadn't it? She had known exactly what was going on, she had known she was under his control the whole time. Her mind had just accepted that fact and moved on.
Hermione swallowed and finally looked her in the eyes.
"It was the worst day of my life... I couldn't sleep for weeks after, unable to think about anything else, and it was your fault."
Iris swallowed. She had had no idea. She had just thought that she was scared from being in there for so long...
"Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. You were the one who trapped me in there in the first place, however you did that... But I've realized for a long time now, that even if that had been the outcome, you were just trying to help. And if you hadn't, I would have died that night. So..." Hermione steeled herself and continued. "What I'm trying to say is, despite everything that happened, thank you. And... I forgive you."
Somehow, despite knowing exactly why Hermione was doing it, hearing the words felt comforting in a way. Iris only managed a nod, which caused Hermione to carefully reach into her bag again, and produce another sharp click, as she hit the stop button on her tape recorder. Still, with everything Hermione had told her, she couldn't just let it stand like this.
"I... Well, I don't know what to say, except, well, I'm sorry. I... I had no idea something like that could happen with the shadow realm. It... well, it's never done anything like that. Maybe it was the spell?"
Hermione just gave a look. "I spent ages in the library looking up this... shadow realm, as you called it. And, well, nothing. Not even a mention of any sort of... parallel dimension, or whatever it is. How do you know about it?"
Iris blushed. "Well... I don't. Not really. Tracey came up with the name, after I accidentally landed us in there without really knowing how..."
Hermione gave her an incredulous look. "You know, somehow, that doesn't make it more comforting..."
Iris turned up the heat and started sprinkling in the rest of the dittany, causing the potion to increasingly bubble.
"At first... it was pretty scary. After we got trapped in there, when I finally figured out how to get out, I wasn't sure if I could or even should go back in... But after my... fallout... with Malfoy happened... Well, let's say I had a bad night, lost control of myself for a bit, and ended up in there again. And I only managed to get out when I got to my room and ended up crying in front of Tracey instead..."
Hermione gave her a sympathetic look. Iris swallowed. She hadn't had any plans to talk about this with anyone ever, but after what the girl had just revealed to her, she felt like she had to at least try and reciprocate somewhat.
"Last Halloween, you know, when the Cerberus got loose... Which, yeah, was my fault, I guess... I...well, I couldn't move. First, all I could think about was how it was going to kill me, then I realized that it was going to kill Harry. And after that, well, I tried to come up with some way out, and ended up picking the only option that came to mind."
Iris stared down at the potion now, unable to look at Hermione. "I didn't want my mistake to get anyone killed, but I didn't have any time to explain, especially with how Tracey and Malfoy reacted to the shadows, so I thought I'd better just try and drag you to safety and apologize after. Which... I guess I never really did... so, for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
Hermione looked torn, but she managed a weak smile. "Better late than never?"
Iris shrugged sheepishly and blushed. "Yeah... Uhm... In the end, it might have even been better to try to explain, because instead, seeing the shadows for the first time caused Harry to freeze up and get hit," Iris admitted in a pained voice.
"I had to do something, but pretty much had no idea what, so I tried to use Depulso, and well... I guess I overdid it a bit, which knocked me out, and we instead somehow found ourselves on the second floor somehow."
"That's where you ended up? How?" Hermione interjected.
"Well, it's hard to explain, but I guess you've probably noticed it yourself. The shadow realm... well, the walls are a lot less solid in some places, allowing you to just... slip through?"
Hermione nodded in comprehension.
"So, when we woke up, we came straight back here, trying to get you out, but you were gone. Uhm..." Iris shook her head and took a breath.
"I had no idea where you were, how or even if you'd be able to get out by yourself, or if something had happened to you. So... well, we spent the whole night searching the castle, trying to find you..." she muttered. "Sorry it took so long... If I had known... I had no idea."
Hermione gave a small smile. "It's alright. I already said I forgive you. And also, I think I can somewhat understand your perspective now."
Iris looked up at her hopefully. "Really?"
Hermione just gave a nod, which caused Iris to hesitantly smile. "Thanks."
A sharp click pierced through her reluctant thoughts of happiness, causing Iris' eyes to widen as Hermione inconspicuously withdrew her hand from her bag.
"Right, only the lionfish spines left, are you ready to cast the spell?"
Iris blinked, trying to catch up to what just happened. Had she just-
Almost on autopilot, Iris drew her wand and aimed it at the cauldron.
She was sure that the first one had been the Essence of Forgiveness. But what? Did she do the Essence of Care as well? but that didn't quite fit somehow... Had... had this whole conversation been a setup? But to what end?
The green liquid hissed and bubbled as Hermione kept dropping in one lionfish spine after the other, and once she reached seven, removed the ladle and turned expectantly towards Iris. Shaking her head, she approached the cauldron. Whatever it was, it wasn't her problem, really. Hell, she had even considered doing the same for her own Essence, so she supposed she couldn't really be mad, but still.
Taking a breath to try and refocus her thoughts on the task at hand, she repeated the motion a few times to make sure she had it down, and finally, spoke the words, "Paraménei Ygró!"
A flash of yellow followed, and Hermione gently reduced the heat, while resuming her stirring. The bubbling slowed, then stopped. The potion took on a translucent shimmering green, which was a hint sharper and more pronounced than what the book had described, but that was to be expected. And more importantly, it had remained a liquid mess.
Much like Iris' thoughts at that moment.