Cell vs Black Ops 6 Beta (Open Weekend)
"Alright Kermit, welcome back to the Open Weekend of the Beta," Cell said to Kermit, who looked around, very much back in the same void as last time.
"Cell, why am I back here?" Kermit asked. "The Beta is horrible. We already covered this last time."
"Because we have to get you to level 30!" Cell said. "You get a free blueprint, and you need to have it."
"With all due respect, this game is beyond salvation if the only thing people do is meat ride in corners like the pussies they are," Kermit replied, with a sensual moan being heard in the background.
"I know, but it's not the game's fault, it's the players!" Cell said. "And there is tech to all of this to find the best lobbies!"
Kermit looked at Cell for a long moment, before eventually saying, "Go on…"
"The only good time to play is late at night, when everyone has gotten off of work and has eaten dinner, playing at a manageable time that won't significantly ruin the sleep schedule of all the grown ass adult men and women who somehow enjoy Call of Duty," Cell explained.
Kermit looked at Cell, and then at the XM4 rifle that Cell held that was a lime green and had 'Bug Smasher' written on the side of it. "Uh… huh…"
Cell pointed at Kermit and said, "Motherfucker, you are playing the Beta, and that is final!"
"Okay, fine!" Kermit shouted as he held up the Jackal PDW that was the 'meta weapon' of the Beta.
"That shit got nerfed," Cell said. "Don't use that."
"Cell, I have literally nothing else leveled," Kermit replied.
"Okay, fine!" Cell replied. "Now let's quickly get you to level 30 before I decide I'm bombing somebody's trailer park out of sheer rage."
"What's this about a bombing?" Evil questioned as he suddenly appeared.
"Shit!" Cell shouted, before pointing the assault rifle and shooting Evil point blank. Evil merely looked down at the bullets hitting his chest, before the mag ran out of ammo.
"...so shall I question why you shot me?" Evil asked as he crossed his arms.
"What are you doing here?!" Cell questioned.
"I heard about a Beta, so obviously I came to check it out," Evil said casually. "Where even is this?"
"The pre-game lobby," Cell answered, looking at Evil cautiously.
"No offense, but shouldn't you be running the world?" Kermit asked the Demon God that was Evil.
"Why does that matter?" Evil asked. "I'm all powerful, meaning I can do what I want, when I want. So therefore, I can easily do this without it having any consequence to me." Evil then pulled out a shotgun, the Marine SP (which was also the only shotgun in the Beta). "So, let's play." Kermit and Cell looked at each other, clearly worried and terrified at the prospect of playing with Evil.
On a high rise penthouse (map named Skyline in the Black Ops 6 Beta), the team was running around the map and engaging in several gun fights.
On one side of the pool, indoors, Cell was laying on the stairs with his XM4. The moment he tried to peak the railing, he ducked after seeing the glint of a sniper and said sniper taking a shot at him, missing. "I fucking hate campers," Cell said. Cell was then picked up from behind by one of the enemies on the enemy team. "OH GOD NO, SPAWNFLIP!"
"'Sup big boy!" The enemy said, though his voice sounded like it was coming through a dogshit mic with a fan in the background.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" Cell shouted as the man holding Cell as a body shield walked down the stairs before jumping into the elevator shaft (that wasn't exactly much of an elevator shaft), and lining Cell up with the wall. "HELP! HEEEEEELP!"
"No one's going to save you," the man said, before getting shot in the head by Evil, who was flanking via the elevator shaft due to the spawnflip, and still using a shotgun.
"You can use people as body shields?" Evil questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," Cell replied. "Thank you! I was almost Diddied!"
Evil paused. "...what?"
"The man tried to grab me from behind and give me non-consensual backshots where no one would find me!" Cell explained. "Why else do you think we're in this dark and spooky elevator shaft no buddy enters or uses as a flanking route?"
Evil looked at the kill feed and hummed. "...seems I'm going hunting."
"What?" Cell replied, before Evil took the zipline (that was also in the elevator shaft) up to the second floor of the building, and resumed playing the game with his shotgun.
"Cell, what is he talking about?" Kermit asked over comms.
"I got no clue," Cell said, before a grenade dropped at his feet. "...well shit." Said grenade then exploded and killed Cell, before he respawned on the opposite side of the map with Kermit.
"You're lucky Evil was there to save you," Kermit told Cell as he respawned.
"Oh shut up already," Cell retorted as he rolled his eyes.
As the match continued, eventually, Evil let out a dark laugh over comms. "HI THERE!" Evil shouted, confusing the team, before the kill feed started exploding with kills as Evil killed at least three people with the Tanto .22 SMG, and then being topped off with the execution symbol, implying the Evil successfully performed a finishing move, specifically on the man that had grabbed Cell earlier in the match.
"Oh my god, he actually did it," Cell said, surprised.
"I know, impressive, yes?" Ainz Ooal Gown said, causing Cell and Kermit to look over at the Overlord.
"Hey, wait a minute, you're not even officially a member of Evil's army yet!" Kermit shouted. "What the hell are you doing here?!"
"What are you two doing playing Call of Duty with Evil?" Ainz retorted. "No, seriously, why?"
Cell looked at Ainz. "He sort of came down on us unexpectedly," Cell said, with a loud sensual moan being heard in the distance, and also over comms. "We can't exactly tell him no, now can we?"
"Also, Zarbon, that hurt my ear," Kermit said over the mic.
"Apologies," Zarbon said, being one of the other members of the team.
"Sounds like an excuse," Ainz replied as he looked at Cell. "You do realize your party is also set to 'Open' and not 'Friends Only' or 'Invite Only', right?" Cell and Kermit paused.
"Shit, he do be right," Cell said as he looked at Kermit and nodded slowly.
"To be fair, this is also a beta," Kermit said. "We sort of forgot about that."
Ainz rolled his undead eyes. "Uh huh."
They were cut off by the match ending, with their team winning the Team Deathmatch, 100 kills to 84 kills. As the end game resumed, they saw the best play being the quad-kill from Evil earlier with Tanto .22, holding the asshole from earlier hostage and then ending the killcam with the man being executed with a knife.
"And that is how you play this game," Evil declared smugly.
"Man fuck you you shotgun using pussy," the asshole from the enemy team shouted into his dogshit mic at Evil. "Running around the entire game with a shotgun, dick riding in corners!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOO~!" Zarbon moaned into the mic. "Don't see anything wrong with that~!"
As the match was now over, the team went back to the lobby, with Evil smirking smugly as he looked at the team. "Seems I'm not rusty."
"I'll admit, you have skill," Cell began as he looked at Evil. "And honestly, I have to say, that Tanto. 22 looks pretty strong."
"It's rather slow," Evil replied as he held up the SMG in question.
Before the conversation could continue, the same problem maker from earlier suddenly joined the party. "Oi, y'all are dogshit!" He shouted at them.
"Are you really here to cause problems?" Evil questioned, baffled by the audacity of this man. "You lost. Take the L already."
"You're especially dogshit, using a shotgun the entire game!" The man shouted, clearly not capable of seeing reason. "You should fucking kill yourself, you inbred piece of shit!"
"And reporting for offensive voice chat," Ainz said as he immediately opened a menu to report the man.
"RePoRtInG fOr OfFenSiVe VoIcE cHaT," the man mocked. "What, you gotta dick ride your teammate too?!"
"It's 2024 pal, being gay isn't exactly a sin," Kermit retorted. "You're just being homophobic, and that'll get you an even longer com ban."
"Bitch, shut the fuck up!" The problem maker shouted.
"I'm booting him," Cell began.
"Check your front door," Evil said suddenly to the man. As there was confusion caused by this, everyone actually heard the knock at the front door through the man's rather loud mic. This was then followed by an explosion, and the man presumably screaming for a bit, before the scream cut off with another explosion, followed by the man suddenly leaving the party. Evil hummed in satisfaction. "Showed him." Turning to look at Cell, Kermit, Zarbon, and Ainz, the Demon God saw their baffled expressions. "...what?"
Apparently, this chapter took us back to the Beta, which has been over for about 4-5 days, give or take.
And now you all know the horrors of Black Ops 6, where yes, the body shield mechanic allows for, as the community calls it, 'Diddying'.
Skyline is also the name of one of the maps within the Black Ops 6 Beta, and the XM4, Jackal PDW, Marine SP, and the Tanto .22, are all guns within Black Ops 6. The XM4 'Bug Smasher' blueprint is also the final Beta Reward for reaching max level within it.
And so we're clear, the trouble maker in this chapter who attempted to 'Diddy' Cell was just a generic degenerate COD Player, because although they cracked down on racism and calling people the hard R, the terms 'meat ride', 'dick ride', and 'shotgun using pussies' are still somewhat fine, though Ainz's decision to report for offense voice chat will get you comm banned. Part of the reason I stick solely to 'Party Only' Voice Chat, because there are some people who will seriously just talk shit and be dicks for no reason.
So, everything the problem maker said is exactly what one should expect from a COD lobby, should y'all ever think about what a COD lobby sounds like. Not very family friendly.
Evil vs Ainz Part 2 is still in the works though, just lost my bout of motivation. Hopefully, I'll gain it soon.