Every night, Blanca has a recurring nightmare, but she's always reminded of the boy who was sweet to her, Diablo Zuniga, and how Dean would always accuse her of spilling all their secrets to him. She dreams of a better life with her girls and Diablo, but Dean consumes her brain and she can't handle it.
"What did you tell him, bitch?" Dean roars at Blanca as soon as they're in his car.
"N-nothing," she stammers.
"Nothing, right…" he sneers.
She has a miscarriage when he kicks her in her belly one too many times.
She wakes up with a shuddering gasp and covers her mouth. Her heart pounds rapidly. She rubs her stomach and hugs her knees to her chest. That child she lost will be remembered forever.
"Mami, are you okay?" Maritza is concerned.
"Solo una pesadilla, mija..."
Only a nightmare.
"Mama, what's wrong?" Raiza asks worriedly.
"Nada, bebé. Go back to sleep."
"Night night, love you."
Her sweet little voice breaks Blanca's heart. "I love you too."
It's only been a week since they've sought comfort in Queens. Blanca wants to make the girls something special for breakfast every day that it's not a school day.
"Alright, I will make either eggs or chocolate chip banana pancakes. Which do you niñas prefer?"
"Chocolate chip banana pancakes!" Maritza exclaims.
"Yummy pancakes!" Raiza shouts excitedly.
"Well, deliciosos panqueques de plátano con chispas de chocolate it is," Blanca announces with a smile. "Why don't you girls help me?"
yummy chocolate chip banana pancakes
"Yeah!" Raiza cheers. She and Maritza practically run to the cabinets to collect the ingredients and mixing bowl. When the batter is finished, the three of them each take turns pouring it into the pan.
"I know some girls like whipped cream and strawberries on their pancakes," Blanca murmurs. "That's why I bought them at the grocery store yesterday. Grocery shopping has become somewhat of a habit for me."
"Oooh!" Raiza widens her eyes and rubs her hands together.
"¡Gracias, Mamá!" Maritza says.
Blanca cuts the strawberries and distributes them on top of the pancakes, drizzles syrup on them, and last but not least, she sprays whipped cream on the concoction.
Breakfast is as delicious as Blanca promises and the girls had thought it would be. It isn't until she burns lunch when she starts feeling down on herself. Luckily, Maritza is an excellent helper.
"Mom, can I make apple pie for dessert this afternoon?" Maritza asks.
"You certainly can. I don't want to cook after this disaster. Dean was right, I'm not a good cook and I never will be." She sadly watches the cold water run over the burn on her palm.
"That's not true! You made a mistake, so what, everyone does. Even chefs in the most expensive restaurants make mistakes. It's only human."
"Yeah, well, I just got punished for my mistake. Look at this horrible red mark." She shows it to Maritza.
"I can barely see it, and I'm squinting. Keep that under the cold water, then cover it with Neosporin when you dry your hands, and put a bandaid on it!"
"Sí, Mamá," Blanca mutters and rolls her eyes with a scowl on her face. How many more times can she prove to her children that she's a horrible mother? She finds it amazing that they haven't give up on her like she has on herself.
Maritza makes apple pie two hours before Blanca is ready to go out with the girls. She takes it out of the oven and serves everyone.
"Thank you, Maritza!" Raiza squeals and goes to take a bite, but Blanca stops her.
"Cuidado, nena, it's hot. Blow on it, like this." Blanca gently blows on her slice and Raiza copies her. Maritza shakes the can of whipped cream and sprays some on the slices.
How does Blanca deserve children like Raiza and Maritza? She remembers that Maritza would always try to keep the peace in the household and she would even get in between her parents. Even when Dean was spewing angry words and delivering blow after blow, Maritza braved it all and tried her best to keep Blanca out of harm's way. Raiza would always yell in her babyish voice, "Don't hurt Mommy!" in her hiding place at the top of the staircase and then later promise Blanca she would be good so the fighting would stop. Maritza bought Raiza a doll to hold and cuddle whenever scary things happened, she changed Raiza as a baby most of the time, she brushed her hair, helped her get dressed, gave her a bath, and soothed her to sleep at promptly eight each night without fail. How Maritza got Raiza to sleep with all the noise in the background was one mystery Blanca never got to solve. All she knows is that Maritza is a better parent than she ever can dream to be. Maritza will never stay with a violent man, even if she has kids. Blanca's daughters are strong unlike her, and sometimes, she wishes she wasn't even born. It would solve everyone's problems.
"I'm sorry," she suddenly blurts out.
"Why?" Raiza wonders aloud. "You didn't do anything bad, Mama."
"Yes, I did. I didn't protect you like a real mom would."
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Maritza says with a sigh and massages Blanca's shoulders. "You tried leaving, but he would always find us. We're far away from him now. I love you, Mom." She kisses Blanca's cheek and Raiza hugs the both of them.
They just can't see it, can they? Apparently not.
Through the dark house, they can hear screams and gasps of pain, and this happens almost every night. Maritza checks in with her mother all the time, and Raiza is always afraid to face their father. One night, Blanca screams so loud that Maritza almost falls out of bed. Then she hears Dean yelling back at Blanca.
"What do you mean I'm suffocating you?"
"I can't breathe, Dean, I can't-"
"Shut up, Blanca! You're so weak and feminine, and why am I the only one who's gotta work? I'm the one with all the money in this house! You be nice to me or-"
"Look, I do all the work in this house! I cook, I clean, I take care of my two daughters-well, actually, my teenager protects my baby girl from you...and she and I just can't do it all! You either stop being such an asshole-"
"How dare you call me an asshole! Don't you ever say that again, bitch! I love you!" Maritza hears a slap and a whimper.
Dean has this creepy best friend, Carlos Litvack, who always stares at Raiza and Maritza. One time he'd lured them into his house to help him with something and he tried to make a move on Maritza. She grabbed Raiza and ran. This moment, she can't stand the screaming. She's had enough of it.
"You wouldn't know what love is if it hit you in the face!" Blanca retorts tearfully.
"Speak for yourself!" Maritza whispers to herself. "What does she see in him anyway? All he does is get drunk at some stupid bar and yell at Mami! They do have lovely moments when he is sober. That doesn't matter, though, she should dump him!"
"Oh, Blanca, I'm sorry, I really do love you," Dean says a few minutes later.
"That's okay, darling."
"Okay, now he's sober and we can sleep!" Maritza sighs with relief, although she knows it won't last. "Sweet dreams, Rai-rai."
"Night, Maritza."
"Mom..." Maritza starts. She sits down next to Blanca on the couch and plays with her hands in her lap, as she always does when she's nervous. She isn't sure if she wants to see her mother's reaction to the upcoming news.
"Yes, darling?"
"So, um...we're reading this novel in school."
"Uh huh?"
"It's called Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen. It's about this woman who runs away from her abuser with her ten-year-old son and changes her name and starts a new life." Maritza sits up straighter and dares a look at Blanca's face. It's blank. Finally, after a minute, Blanca speaks.
"How do you like the book?"
"I feel awkward about the domestic violence bit, but still, I'm enjoying it."
"Why do they do that?"
"Why does who do what, Mamá?"
"The school. What are they trying to teach you kids? A shitty life can get better? That just gets people's hopes up."
"Well, we did the running away part. Who knows what's next?"
"Life isn't a fairy tale, Maritza. Do you see Prince Charming anywhere, because I sure as hell don't. Even if my soul mate was out there somewhere, he wouldn't want me. They're all either-"
"Taken, gay, or dead," Maritza finishes for her. "I know. We are doomed in the men department. Actually, there's this dude at my school who isn't any one of those, except maybe taken, but we're barely friends. We basically only talk if his sister is the icebreaker. I've made some friends at school, their names are Flaca, Elena, Daisy, Cat, Cecilia, Maria, Sirena, Ouija, and Pidge. I hung out with most of them at the fiesta de Halloween."
"Well, good! Who needs a boyfriend when you have a ton of girls to chill with?"
"Not me," Maritza says. "Hey, a bunch of them are going to the mall and having dinner there tonight and they invited me to come. Can I go?"
"If you're picked up in a car at a good meeting place, then yes, you can go." Blanca takes a ten dollar bill out of her pocket and hands it to Maritza.
"Thanks, Mom! You're the best!" Maritza hugs Blanca. "It'll be so fun! Flaca said her ma can get me right at the train station so that's close by."
Blanca places her hand on Maritza's cheek. "Are you sure you wanna go, mija?"
"I'm positive. You and Raiza have the apartment to yourself."
"Luckily, it's my turn to sing Raiza a bedtime lullaby. You know how she gets when there's changes."
"Sí. No bueno."
"Mommy! Mama, look, it's my art project! I drew me and my friends." Raiza runs to Maritza and Blanca and thrust a piece of paper in between their laps. Messily drawn brown stick figures with different colored triangles for dresses and skinny brown and black lines for hair cover the page. "That's me, Christina, Karima, and Lindsay. I have the black hair and a pink dress, see? And then Karima has black hair like me, but she has a yellow dress. Christina has dark hair too and a green dress. Lindsay, I drawed her like Mulan and she has glasses! I also drew a blue sky and a yellow sun and green grass. Also, there's a big white cloud."
Blanca beams. "Nice job, sweetheart!"
Maritza smiles. "I love it."
"Thank you. It's for me, but you guys can share it. We're learning how to share in school and I have to share with you because it's not nice if I don't. We're learning about colors too. My favorite is pink." Raiza grins adorably and spins around.
"Mine is purple," Blanca says.
"I like light blue the best," Maritza chimes in. All this talk about colors is making her imagination soar as it always does. She sees the three of them extending their hands out in front of them with a colored mist shooting out of their palms. Raiza has pink, Maritza has blue, and Blanca has purple. The colors mix together in the air and a brilliant white light shines above them all.
"Maritza!" Blanca waves her hand in front of her daughter's face. "You just zoned out there for a minute."
"Oh yeah, sorry. Let me get to my, uh, homework. I've got Spanish nouns and verbs to study." She chuckles nervously and sifts through her book bag. "Quiz on Monday, what fun."
"Alright, we'll leave you alone and then I'll be making chicken with mashed potatoes for lunch, okay?"
"Sure, okay."
Blanca notices that Maritza spaced out quite a bit during the time they lived with Dean. She understands that Maritza might have been daydreaming to escape their harsh reality, but what exactly does she think about? She thought Dean's actions triggered it, but they were just complimenting Raiza on her drawing and talking about favorite colors. What does that have to do with Dean? She'll have to ask Maritza later.
While Maritza does her homework, Blanca helps Raiza with hers, which is coming up with all words that rhyme with at, ball, and bell.
Inside, Blanca feels a little wary of the situation, her daughter going out with new friends she doesn't know. Maritza can be taken to a dangerous location in town. Mostly, though, she's delighted that her daughter can finally be out and about after years of having to stay in and care for her and Raiza.
Maritza wears her best red blouse and black jeans for her girls' night out and hugs her mother and sister goodbye before going out the door and down the stairs.
"Have fun! Bye!" Blanca calls out and waves Maritza off.
"Bye-bye!" Raiza echoes.
At around eight, Blanca and Raiza get in bed together. They have a small television with no cable, but they also have some DVDs from a nearby library. They like the Salma Hayek movie they watch together and laugh at the funny parts. It's Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. Maritza gets home at around eleven when Raiza's fast asleep in Blanca's lap.
"Hola, Mami!" Maritza whispers.
"Hey, sweetie, how was your time?"
"Awesome. I just bought dinner, since I didn't want to spend extra money on stuff I don't really need. Clothes, shoes, jewelry, and a purse were real tempting to get! I know we're short on cash, though."
Blanca smiles apologetically. "I see."
"They're planning a movie night at the theater and then a sleepover at Flaca's place next Friday night, and they really want me to go."
"That's fine by me, as long as Flaca's mother picks you up again or you meet her somewhere."
"I know the drill, Mom." Maritza gets up on the bed and scoots close to Blanca's side. "You know, they'll start asking questions that I won't know how to respond to. Like, why haven't they met my mom yet? You have to come out of the shadows and meet these girls. They're really nice. I don't want them to think you left me to fend for myself at the dark train station."
"I walked you to Flaca's casa! I don't want anyone from your school seeing me. They'll connect the pieces and discover that we are the poorest family in Queens and that just doesn't fly at your school. This is a secret we are protecting. Karla is an exception, and I know Diane will keep our secret when I start waitressing at Friendly's next week."
"They can meet you at the train station, not here...and you gotta make friends with their parents, at least."
Blanca puts her hands in her head and groans.
"Please, Mom?" Maritza begs. "You can't hide from the world forever. Karla doesn't count, she's like your sister, and Diane will be your boss."
"I suppose you're right...go get your pajamas on and get in bed. Buenas noches, te amo, cariño."
Good night, I love you, sweetie.
"También te amo."
"I love you too.
Maritza wishes so badly that Dean doesn't exist, that Carlos doesn't exist. They're so mean to her and Blanca and once, Carlos made a pass at Maritza. He "accidentally" brushed by Maritza's chest and touched her butt. Maritza's friends have never been kissed. She herself almost has been, but it was wrong. Carlos tried to kiss her, but she'd gotten away by pouring pepper spray into his eyes. Her boyfriend Biff Stratman, only likes this other chick because she had big breasts and a nice figure. She shudders just thinking of him. He's also been her boyfriend for two months. He's sexist, but that's normal to Maritza. Her mother had warned her to stay away from him after finding them in bed together.
"I bet you that he's gonna force her into sex," one of the girls in her class had said.
"You don't need to bet me. I already know he will," another girl responds.
"I'm not going anywhere alone with him," Maritza mutters.
After school, she sees Biff and some girl, talking outside her car.
"There they are, and look, he's got a cigarette in his back pocket. Smoking right in front of her. She's waving it away like she doesn't want to smoke. Good, she shouldn't want to," Maritza points out to herself and goes straight up to him. The girl he'd been chatting up, walks away.
"God, Biff, do you know what that does to you?" Maritza fans her nose in disgust.
"Yeah, it makes you look cool. Now, sexy tits, we've been going out for two months, what do you think about getting married in the future?"
"You got a ring you're saving up for?"
"Nah, but we don't have to do it like that, we could run away together, away from your stupid mom and sister, and Carlos could help us, hell even Dean could-"
"Whoa, whoa, back up, back the hell up!" Maritza shouts, inching away from him. "I have to finish middle school! Would you get your hands off me? I'm going to this Cinco de Mayo fiesta to dance, not smoke or get married or have sex. Okay? I'm too fuckin' young."
"You forgot drink," he snorts.
"That too," she says nonchalantly. "Vamos." Maritza waves her boyfriend forward.
"Let's roll, babe," he agrees, and they're off. They drive to the fiesta in silence, with her and Biff sneaking glances at each other.
The party is at some guy named Potato Chip's house, but almost Biff's whole class is there. Everyone's getting stoned, smoking, and doing it. Only a few people are dancing to the awesome music. Maritza wants to freak dance with Biff, but he wants to go upstairs with her and make babies. Maritza shakes her head. "No. I wanna dance!"
"And I want to play with you. Please don't make this difficult!" He has them locked in a room already, sitting on a bed.
He's grabbing her arm way too tightly, giving her a bruise. "Damn it, ow! You're too rough! God!"
"I'm too rough," he chuckles. "You wanna see rough?"
Before Maritza can answer, he's on top of her, crushing her and making her gasp in pain. She's trying to scream for help, but all she can get out are little squeals. Biff kisses her everywhere and tries to open her pants, but she won't let him. She has one hand clutching the top of her jeans and the other clutching the opening of her shirt. "Stop it! I don't want to make the same mistake my mami did! I just want to find the right one to do it with."
"The right one," he growls. "The right one?!" She flinches at the loud words.
"See, you're my first boyfriend, and I just think we should see more people and decide if we're really right for each other," Maritza struggles to say.
"I know we're right for each other," he grumbles.
"Oh, really? Then why were you making passes at other chicks? Why do you talk bad about my family? Why were you making out with every girl at school last year and a few months ago? Huh? Huh? Explain that to me, Biff, because in my book, that does not prove that we are right for each other!" Maritza shouts hysterically.
They stare at each other for one minute, anger in his eyes and fear in hers. All of a sudden, he slaps her. She groans in pain and holds her cheek.
"You've gone crazy. You have gone crazy, Maritza! Why in God's name would I flirt with those bitches? How do you know the girls didn't come on to me first? You talk bad about your family too, so don't get mad at me for it!"
"You would, because you're a creep. Your friend Carlos is a creep too. I see him looking at me like he wants to have sex with me, every day! Sure, my family drives me nuts, but doesn't everyone's? That doesn't make it right for you to talk bad about them. I am so sick and tired of acting like an idiot and sticking up for you all the time. Every single one of my girl friends has told me that you're not a good boyfriend for me, and my mom hates you," Maritza says, her voice shaking with fury.
"Are you dumping me?" he asks calmly.
"Yes. Excuse me, but I would like to go downstairs and dance with my girls and freak dance with some other guy in his freshman year and much closer to my age, who likes me for my fabulous personality, and not what I look like!" With that, she releases herself from his grasp and runs downstairs.
"Maritza!" he bellows. He sounds high and drunk just then, so she ignores his voice.
"Efua, I dumped him. I dumped Biff," Maritza announces proudly to one of the older high school girls she's good friends with. She enjoys being the baby of her crew, just like her mother was. It makes her feel more secure.
Efua gives Maritza a hi-five. "Nice, girlfriend! That dumb loser can find someone else to have sex with. Do you want me to kick everyone out so you and I can have a sleepover?"
"Sure. That's what I told my mom. I want it to be the truth."
Efua smiles. "Everyone out! My parents are coming home now!"
The house is empty a few minutes later. It's just Maritza and Efua, having a girls' night and watching movies and eating ice cream.
Maritza remembers telling that girl everything that went down between her parents and what Carlos Litvack would do. She doesn't even like thinking about Efua, because she'd been naive to assume nothing would happen to her old friend. The consequences of exposing her family's dirty laundry to a green card holder had proven to be disastrous since both Dean and Carlos were in charge of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. "You're just lucky I'm sending her away instead of simply killing the bitch," he'd told her, and it was probably the first time she really started to hate him. From then on, she could truly see how much her mami was suffering from his abuse and she no longer saw her papá through rose-colored glasses.
A chill comes over her and she nestles herself deeper into the covers. She's just relieved she, Raiza, and their loving mami made it out of their nightmare alive.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, MsSchneeheide, and Juliette45!