Harry Potter - The Article

Magical Britain has been a constant source of outrage, denial and even fear for the past few days. The reason? Well, The Boy Who Lived went missing when Sirius Black escaped Azkaban; nobody has heard from or even seen him! So when an article from the missing boy suddenly appears in the Daily Prophet, the world will become even more confused and rowdy.

NOTE—This was inspired by a post that I found on HPfanfiction Reddit, which I heard was subsequently posted on a Facebook group. So, I have no clue who originally made it, but I found it too hilarious not to try and do something with it!

Author Note—If people like this little crack-fic, could I try to make a story about it?

Magical Britain has been in uproar and fear for the past three days. Even those among the Death Eaters were slightly concerned, but not for the right reasons. If Harry Potter was missing and presumably dead, what kind of punishment would they face when their Dark Lord eventually returned?

Why was Magical Britain in such a state of confusion, fear and uproar?

Well, that was simple to answer: Harry Potter, the famed Boy Who Lived, has been missing since August 2nd, three days after an undisclosed incident at his relatives' home —which the Daily Prophet somehow leaked.

Rumour had it that Harry Potter had accidentally lost control of his magic and unintentionally cast an Inflation Charm upon his muggle Aunt, blowing her up like a large balloon. She floated across the dreary night sky of Surrey for at least an hour before Aurors, and the Ministry of Magic officials had taken care of the incident and wiped memories of those muggles involved and who might've accidentally seen such a sight during that evening.

However, that article cast even more confusion on the populace of Magical Britain and the other Magical communities across Europe. Why was Harry Potter, perhaps the most famous Wizard of the 20th century, living with his muggle relatives and not in a magical family that could better fill his needs?

With the Minister of Magic facing more and more backlash - with some of that even transferring to Dumbledore when it was leaked that he was the Magical Guardian of Harry Potter - Fudge had finally capitulated to the masses, ordering a massive, nearly nationwide sweep to try and locate Harry Potter, every ounce of resource was put into this search and rescue mission, but with each day passing. No new information about Harry's whereabouts, and the recent news of Sirius Black, convicted Death Eater, having escaped from Azkaban Prison the day of Harry's disappearance caused more than a few to be very worried about the wellbeing of The Boy Who Lived.

However, all that uproar and confusion would only increase the following day in the morning edition of the Daily Prophet.

Families all across Magical Britain, and some across the varying Wizarding communities in Europe, woke up to yet another morning edition of the Daily Prophet. Some families considered tossing it aside to read later while they enjoyed their breakfast. However, that line of thought was quickly changed when they noticed that on the front page was a moving picture of the talk of the Wizarding World: Harry Potter, flashing a rather shy and embarrassed smile, whilst the main headline read: "BOY WHO LIVED, SPEAKS OUT! By Barnabus Cuffe"

Dear readers of the Daily Prophet, it comes with great shock and great relief that I, Barnabus Cuffe, can safely assure you that Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, is alive and seemingly well. His owl came to our Headquarters in Diagon Alley late last night to deliver a personal letter written by the young man himself! However, it came as quite a shock when I read the letter's contents, and I am now questioning many things that I thought to be true!

Here is the letter below, and I can assure you that it has not been edited or taken out of context!

Dear public;

I'm fine and not in need of rescuing. Well, I sort of do but that's only because Black doesn't know how to cook food worth a damn. His idea of a 'healthy' meal involves Bertie Botts, a couple of Chocolate Frogs (on the plus side, I finally got that Paracelsus card I'd been searching for), and something brown that just lays there.

I mean, who thinks that it is safe to eat? Let alone for someone who just turned 13!?

As for my mental health, I'm doing alright now. It can certainly be better, but it could be worse. I've got plenty to read, a radio to listen to (did you know the Wizard Wireless can pick up muggle broadcasts, it's awesome and something I didn't expect!), and the occasional reenactment from Black on how he orchestrated the 'Great Kitten Incident of '76', along with plenty of stories that vividly described some of the pranks that he and his mates - which also included my father, James Potter - during his time at Hogwarts; and I can now safely say that I feel sorry for Professor McGonagall for having to deal with those trouble makers for so long!

Even the results of some of those pranks made my head spin!

Anyway, back on track, lest my mind wander again, Black says he broke out of Azkaban to rescue me from someone named 'Wormtail', who was the real betrayer of my family and my parents' choice for Secret Keeper (whatever that means.) He also says he never received a trial for his alleged crimes, even though his deranged and proudly homicidal cousin Bellatrix Lestrange getting one. He states that he's willing to meet with someone named 'Busty Bones' (whoever that is, I'm sorry to refer to you as such, please don't hate me) to provide a ver-ita-serum (I think I spelled that right?) induced statement. If this is okay, he says she'll know how to contact him.

And, uh, Ron if you're reading this, make sure you hide the vibrating purple thing from your mum. The last thing we need is for her to find it.

For Hermione, if you'd be so kind, please see what you can find out about the Rotfang Conspiracy of 1969. The book I have is only partially complete (there are a couple of pages missing.) Black suggests you might have to get in contact with someone named Xeno? Zeno? um...something Lovegood? (I have no idea how to spell the first name and he's been acting loopy ever since he discovered a box of these strange brownies in the pantry which have a pretty funny smell to them.)

Anyway, like I said, I'm alright. If everything gets cleared up between Sirius and whatever this thing is, I'll be on the train this September.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

Bones Residence, August 6th, Morning

Susan Bones, dressed in a simple grey and pink nightgown with cute little bunny slippers that were enchanted to make the large ear protrusions gently sway in a nonexistent breeze, sat at the dining table; the cereal in her bowl long since forgotten. Her cheeks were tinted a brilliant shade of red, and her mouth hung open as the morning edition of the Daily Prophet lay on the table next to her cereal. Glancing over towards her Aunt with wide eyes full of shock and even some awe.

The usually refined and professional woman exuded an aura that made Susan fearfully squeak whenever her hardened gaze fell upon her for a split second. She was pacing around the dining room, her hair looking somewhat frazzled even though it was done perfectly before the owl post and when she subsequently read the Daily Prophet article.

However, what was most shocking for Susan was that her Aunt was currently in the midst of a massive - and she meant massive! - rant, with more than a few expletives thrown into the mix, along with grumblings about hurting this Sirius Black fellow with an old rusted spoon, combined with a few stinging hexes where the sun don't shine... and maybe a few unsavoury charms placed upon his person.

Let it be known that Susan was taking this into memory. Perhaps she could use some of these vivid descriptions against someone who annoyed her back in Hogwarts or when she really wanted something done for her at the utmost convenience, and maybe tell her best friend, Hannah, about them, too.

In her life, Susan had never seen her aunt act like this. She was almost acting like a woman scorned—well, she would be too if she was referred to as Busty Bones—but at the same time, she had never seen her Aunt look so young and... free for that moment.

Witnessing in real time was such a weird juxtaposition for the young Hufflepuff.

Shaking her head away from those fleeting thoughts, she turned her attention back to the paper before her, and she couldn't help but flush a deeper shade of red as her eyes lingered upon the moving picture of Harry Potter. Her eyes took in his shy, nervous smile, along with his untamed mop of black hair that seemed even messier than usual.

She let out a cute 'meep' as she swore the moving picture seemed to wink at her before she quickly flipped the paper upside down, her thoughts rapidly filled with her not-so-subtle crush in different scenarios.

Although...

Glancing at her Aunt, who was still in the middle of her tirade, only now rubbing her temples as she muttered about what would be happening at the Ministry today with that accursed nickname published in the paper, Susan quietly got off her chair. She snuck away from the dining room before running up the stairs, two at a time to get to her room.

She needed some time to herself right about now.

Malfoy Residence, August 6th, Morning

Narcissa Malfoy blinked owlishly as she read the Daily Prophet before tilting her head ever so slightly in confusion as she reread it. Her lips were set in a thin line as she critically regarded the information before her. Of course, she knew that her cousin, Sirius Black, was a 'convicted' criminal and supposed Death Eater in disguise; however, she also knew that was untrue, as her husband was too keen to let her know after he was imprisoned.

She, of course, was a little off-put by the sheer amount of glee that Lucius had when breaking the news to her, and of course, she couldn't do anything about it. Not only was Lucius in the inner workings of the Ministry, and liked to bribe others to keep silent on things when it concerned him or anything he deemed to 'not be worthy', and she couldn't supplement her memory as evidence, as memories were too easily tampered with and or altered. She could not put herself under Veritaserum, as her husband would never sign off on it, for fear that somebody would ask less than unsavoury questions regarding Lucius himself or their underhanded dealings and methods.

However, even that cold demeanour she worked so hard on eventually slipped as fond memories slipped to the forefront of her mind. The edges of her lips quivered slightly before a rather unladylike snort erupted from her nose. Her eyes suddenly widened as she glanced discreetly around the room before sighing in relief as she noticed that her sudden noise went unnoticed, as both her husband and her son Draco were on the other side of the room, conversing with each other, most likely about Potter's sudden reappearance to the world, and this information regarding Sirius Black.

She neatly folded the Daily Prophet and placed it to the side of one of the House Elves to collect at a later date - or have Lucius take it and throw it into the fireplace in a fit of rage.

Perhaps... perhaps she could use this as an advantage.

She was sorted into Slytherin after all, and no matter how much she had been repressed since her marriage to Lucius, she was cunning, and whenever she wanted something, she very well damned got it.

The Burrow, August 6th, Morning

Ron Weasley sat ashen-faced as he looked at the Daily Prophet before him. His mouth gave a great impersonation of a goldfish as his eyes were quickly filled with fear. He shakily looked to the side of him. He saw Hermione Granger—who was spending the last bit of the Holidays at The Burrow after learning of Harry's disappearance—also equally stunned, even though her little notebook was filled with quillwork about finding that book, and researching that name that Harry had mentioned in the paper.

But that meant she had to talk with Loon- Luna Lovegood, a girl whom she didn't exactly agree with, mainly because her way of thinking was just so... different, and she talked about things that weren't even real!

Although she looked a little less fearful than he was, he still gulped when he saw her eyes gleaming with glee as she turned towards him, her lips quivering like she was doing her best to prevent a giggle from escaping her lips.

"Say, Ronald," she said, "What's this purple vibrating thing that Harry recommends you hide?"

Even though her voice was filled with mirth and had a teasing undertone to it, Ron still shook his head rapidly, "I-I don't know what you mean!" he exclaimed, sweat starting to bead down his brow. I don't know what Harry is talking about!"

All Hermione did was quirk a brow, her nose wrinkling slightly as she took a deep breath through her nose, still doing her best to repress the giggles and titters.

"I'm being honest!" Ron exclaimed, waving his arms about, before roughly jabbing a finger towards Harry's moving picture, "I-it's gotta be a prank!"

That was all it took for Hermione to lose her composure. She threw her head back and started giggling like crazy, even topping over and quickly bringing her fingers underneath her eyes as she wiped away the stray tears that were trickling free.

"Oi!" Ron exclaimed, "It's not funny! What if Fred and George read this crap!?" He then gulped at the thought of them doing tricks on him or embarrassing him about this. Then, he squeaked as he realised something terrible: "Oh no! Mum will be reading this too, downstairs!"

Suddenly, Hermione's face turned pale as she realized that Molly Weasley would also be reading the Daily Prophet, "Uh oh..." she muttered.

However, neither notices that the Scabbers had escaped his little cage. The old, fat, and useless rat- and unregistered animagus- seemed to be shaking all over, his little beady eyes looking everywhere in the room like he was trying to find an escape route.

Upon finding an open window, Scabbers squeaked before he shot towards it, launching himself out of the window, not even caring that he would be dropping dozens upon dozens of feet to the ground below.

Even if he splattered on the ground, that would be a better result than what would happen if Sirius Black or the Ministry got their hands upon him.

Just in time too, because suddenly from outside the bedroom, in the intricate stairwell leading up all the floors of the magical house, came Molly's voice, "RONALD WEASLEY!" She screeched like a howler, the thin walls seemingly quivering under the force of her voice, "COME DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

If possible, the tall, lanky redhead's face got even paler than before, and he started sputtering out hopelessly before looking to Hermione, hoping that she would help him in this situation. However, much to his shock, Hermione shook her head, before quickly running out of his bedroom and towards Ginny's room where she bunked, uncaring that she was leaving him alone to deal with a rather wrathful Molly Weasley.

"Is this revenge for our First Year!?" Ron called out, his voice tinged in fear, "I already apologized for that! Please don't leave me!"

"RONALD WEASLEY!" Molly shouted again, causing Ron to jump on the spot, "GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT BEFORE I GO UP THERE MYSELF!"

Knowing that the statement wasn't a threat, but a promise, Ron gave one last, withering glare towards Harry's prank in the paper, before trodding off downstairs, already mentally preparing himself for the tirade that his mother would make to him before even getting a chance to explain himself properly.

He needed to think of a way to get Harry back for this. Maybe he could ask Ginny or perhaps even Fred and George for help in that department.

END

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little crack-fic!