Through the slats of the white wooden blind Emily watches leaves fall from a maple tree. Her mind wanders to anywhere, but the present. Her eyes shift to the dull grey tile beneath her shiny black sneakers. She shifts in a brown leather chair with slanted arms, and wooden legs. No amount of effort will afford her comfort in this office. She hasn't been to work in three days, as she has called off sick.
She finds that she is completely incapable of putting on her stoic façade. Her hair is pulled into a haphazard top knot. She wears a pair of black joggers, and a beige Turkey Trot t-shirt from the previous year's Thanksgiving 5K. The other individual in the room sits in a similarly uncomfortable chair. There is a small table between them. A cup of tepid coffee sits on the right side.
A forty something therapist wearing a grey cardigan, charcoal slacks, and an olive t-shirt stares at Emily expectantly. She brushes dark waves of hair off her shoulders as she waits in silence. Emily refuses to meet her glance. Once again, she repositions herself in her chair. The phone lying face down on the table vibrates.
"I should probably go," she finds herself saying.
"Emily, we have only been in session for ten minutes."
Her brow furrows, "Judy, I don't want to do this today. I have zero desire to have this discussion."
"I can see that you are disengaged from this entire process, but I think that it is time for you to pursue EMDR."
"I don't want to pursue EMDR. At this point I just want to retreat. I am going to wallow for a while, and then go back to pretending that everything is normal."
"Is that a good quality of life for you?"
Emily offers a heavy exhale, "I do not want to reprocess my trauma."
"You cannot overcome them if you don't."
"I have put a lot of effort into disassociating to cope with the trauma that is my life."
"You realize that at some point you reach a point of no return, right?"
"If you are suggesting that I am heading for a psychotic break I question your functional knowledge of psychosis. I am far to old to have a break."
"If you are already in emotional pain, what do you have to gain by avoiding healing?"
"There are some things that cannot be overcome."
"I don't agree."
"Some of them have been pushed so far from my conscious mind that that is where I need them to stay."
"How has your back pain been, lately?" Her therapist counters.
"My back pain is not a somatic manifestation of my emotional pain if that is what you are suggesting."
"What I am suggesting is that your physical pain, and your emotional pain are inextricably linked."
"Judy, we've reached an impasse."
Emily's phone vibrates again. She flips over her phone, and looks at the screen.
"I assume that this is where you duck out because you have an emergency at work?"
"I took some time off. My mother is calling me. I actually have to go, because she doesn't call."
Three minutes later she is sitting in the parking garage adjacent to her therapist's office. The SUV hums as the vehicle warms up. The seat warmer eases her back pain. After several deep breaths she manages to dial her mother. The call goes directly to voicemail. Reeling from her session she immediately heads home with plans to crash on the couch until further notice. As she pulls into her designated parking spot her phone rings again.
With the car firmly in park she presses the mobile device to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Emily?"
"What's going on? You sound frantic."
"I can't find her."
Emily's mind wanders. For a second she contemplates if her mother has completely lost grip with reality. "Find who, mom?" Emily attempts to clarify.
"I got a call from the school that she never made it. She left the house without her phone. I can't believe that this is happening. Do you think someone has her?"
"Mom, what are you talking about? I am not on the same page with you at all."
"Emily, for heaven's sake! I am calling about Kiley. Who on Earth, else, would I be calling you about? I don't know where Kiley is."
The dead air hangs between them like a heavy fog.
"Emily, did you hear me?"
"I heard you."
"Kiley is missing. Why aren't you saying anything?"
"She probably just cut class. Did you reach out to any of her friends?"
"How would you propose that I do that, exactly?"
"Just call them, or text them."
"Emily! I do not have the passcode to her phone."
"It's probably something simple."
"How can you be so calm? Why aren't you listening to me? I need you to help me find her."
"I'm not so sure that is wise."
"Emily, someone has taken her."
"I think that your mind is jumping to the worst case scenario."
"Are you so far removed from all of this that you don't even care if something horrible has happened to her?"
"I never said that. What would give you that impression?"
"Your nonchalant attitude. Emily, please help me find her. I know that you have a busy life, but I've never once asked you to do anything for her."
"I'll be over."