(Posted September 13th, 2024)
House of Cards
In which Anti-Cosmo makes crude the most tender of Anti-Fairy ceremonies (wei-ta) in the Winter of the Scattered Whispers
I elected to skip past Prince Eastkal's letter of recommendation, unwilling to risk the chance he might reveal my Faeheim dragon transformation to the public, even accidentally. Oh, you know royals… They fritter about their fancy parties and forget sometimes the rest of us risk disapproval that would tear our social lives to threads.
Fairies who don't grasp Anti-Fairy affairs especially. Yes, yes; let's not forget this man thought he could summon his counterpart from his own activities at migration without so much as an appointment. Why, the nerve! Would I ever demand Fairy-Cosmo drop his tasks to see me right away? I should hope not; the thought crawled like spiders across the backs of my hands. And not the more adorable varieties.
No Pink Castle visits, then. I left Pixie Village far behind me, soaring across cirrus isles too wispy to support structure and yawning canyons of sky so bright blue, it turned my stomach. Plane 2, with Earth's wild glaciers, fruits every colour of the rainbow, and seas of rolling emerald grass lay far, far below. I flew with my hands clasped to my shoulders, wishing I had my paints right here and now. Oh, I say! Why, surely there must be something I could do with a view like this! It must be worth a very pretty coin.
How… fascinating (amusing; curious) to reflect on the fact that if there hadn't been a war…
If Nana Anti-Miranda and Lucas Rainwings had raised not just their first, but all three of their children on this side of the border… Back before there was a border, I mean… Uncle Anti-Harold, Auntie Anti-Joanie, Mother…
My wings caught the air with a jolt on the next downstroke. I bit my lip so hard, I swear my fangs drew an inkling of liquid magic (or smoke itself). Once upon a time, our peoples were not so cruelly divided. And once upon a time…
I reached out, then, to grasp at nothingness but the thought. "This side of the border was meant to be my home." Warm Fairy World air whistled down my throat, flooded with sticky humidity and crackling energy and all the things I wasn't meant to graze my fingertips across for as long as my people lived. Ribbons of golden sunlight. Powerful updrafts. Raindrops on a warm day, unburdened by the dry lightning of the High Southian region back home. Distant shrieking birds. "… I could live here if I lay low enough. Keep away from people. Drop out of school…" It would be so… so…
I blinked very hard. Then, drawing the Head Pixie's letter of recommendation from my trouser pocket, I brought the envelope near my nose and took a long, steady sniff.
Hmmmmm…
It did help, I think. Though he hadn't smeared his pheromones across this careful paper in their pure and sweaty form, traces lingered like flakes of dust on every folded edge. With every breath I took, the world steadied out… my mind cleared up. This child of Sunnie found his focus once again.
Sintu d'saatar. Sin'tari zodiiasco. Sin'tari tõkklavie. So it was. My fate, decided, and under command of the breath of life. Like that of every Anti-Fairy who'd come before me.
Yes, but could it be? Could it really, truly be my fate to grow up grovelling like a dog at the heels of my step-father? This when in another life… I just know I was destined for so much more.
… Ta. What a stupid thing to cry over.
I won't be focused on art history much longer. Not if H.P.'s letter of rec got me in with Iris Needlebark, working with the unwinged angels. I chuckled to myself. And all he asked was that I put in a good word for him, too, on a more personal level with the dear object of his affection? Now that, I could do.
I'd never been to Earth before. Come to think of it, I very rarely had reason to visit below Plane 4, and even without reason, I'd almost never been. My past experiences with the Barrenglades had been confined chiefly to the base of Dragondrool Mountain, where my brother Anti-Robin lived with Anti-Fergus and his anti-pixies. I'd travelled to the 'glades' half of that plane a few times before. Winkleglint kept his hive estate there. Granted, the last time I'd visited, it had been a touch… aflame.
I'd never toured any planet, actually. Many are composed of some form of dirt and rock, a bit different than the cinders and ashes I'd long become familiar with on the Anti-Fairy side of the border. Earth is a curious place; it's said the ancient Molpa-Pel were buried in its core by the Fairy Elder herself, as far from Killoëi as possible. Oh, I'd love to see one. Or fly down to find the will o' the wisps in their burrows. My children in flesh and spirit…
True, Anti-Lance expects me back before school picks up again, but he can't fault my curious mind. I'll just take a week to explore… Maybe a few days less…
I took one small step to the edge of the cloud, but my toes seized, gripping an invisible branch. The weight of my wand burned ice-hot through scabbard to skin. I blinked at the blue planet far, far beneath my feet. Oh, it must be beautiful down there… I remember that. Long, yellowed grasses. I'd glimpsed a giant rock once when lapping drips of karma from the Head Pixie's skin. Not to mention blue-green trees with dark trunks, their sweeping branches laden with snow. Did any of those things I'd seen yet exist? Had I merely glimpsed the future when studying his threads of fate?
I'll be quick. I can make it. I bit my lip, weighing that thought like a pebble in my hand.
A spontaneous trip full of wonder and mystique, exploring somewhere I'd heard of but never been, would be fun… but I held my wings back with every twitchy instinct in my body. No reckless dives into the unknown. Rather, I hiked up my britches like an adult and clenched my fists. Deep breaths.
I considered whatever benefits may be granted for my delay. What if Earth wasn't so grand after all? One must be cautious in the cloudlands. Descending planes is easy; it only takes a jump. Hold your nose on the way down; flip backwards for a laugh! The lucky ones among us have wings, and I for one - who spent my childhood chained down or lamp-bound like a genie - intend to enjoy my life forever.
But climbing back up the planes to higher levels? Ta! You need a Bridge for that, darling… and ever since the war, Anti-Fairy World was a wee bit short on those.
I might like the isle of Hy-Brasil that exists on Earth, though… And there must be wonderful scenery to paint. I must see it in person! I simply must! (Same old, same old.)
Breathe, Julius.
I massaged my knuckles around my eyes. I'd been taking my pheromones- smearing them across my nose and cheeks every day, in fact. Er, some days. Mostly most of them. Did that help me stay firmly planted, pushing back in the face of self-actualized adversaries? I drew another breath, shakier this time. I counted by 7s and 13s, spinning numbers through my mind until I reached the point they crossed. 91… A charming numeral.
Breathe.
No. No, I simply couldn't fly down to Earth. Anti-Lance would miss me. I told him I'd come back; he'd fret if I turned tail. You'd hate to see the fellow mourn (although white's a lovely colour combined with the black and silver of his hair).
And he promised me such a pretty thing if I came back instead of romping off without him. Ooh, yes…
Yes, I remembered. He'd suggested we mark ourselves for wei-ta - Stage 11 of intimacy - if I came back soon. Due settlement. That thought flipped my stomach, growing wild sprite wings where none had been before. Anti-Lance? In wei-ta? His body mingled up with mine until my dome cracked and released smoky magic in the air? HA! Now, that would be a lark. I should like to see him try. Why, Mona hadn't even cracked my dome with all the passion in her body! Nor Anti-Kanin, though he'd kissed and flirted with me ever since I turned 150,000 (and had refused to take me to proper roost… but we shan't speak of that).
Anti-Apollo, who'd been my first experience, had not flipped my passions into satisfaction either. Not even Anti-Cinder, who'd opened my eyes to a world where I didn't feel constrained by Zodii traditions of dominance and submission (if I may dare be so bold as to say that now). I am not easily pleasured. I am simply too specific. Smoke, call me Medb reborn for how incredibly needy my brain and body could get- You wouldn't be the first.
Only one person had ever cracked my dome, and that was Il d'ijärv. And I wondered then, standing on the cloud as the lightest whispers of pale wind curled around my hair, blowing it forward… blowing my energy into open sky…
… if the Eros Nest, where my people were permitted to embrace our wild nature, unbound by the Traditions and Customs book that rules our lives, was the only place I'd ever found true peace.
I wet my lips then, hands clenched in fists against my side, the Head Pixie's wrinkled letter in my hand. Anti-Lance is waiting for me. I have to go back. After all, you can't complete a wei-ta ceremony if you're missing half the pair involved. And just the thought of how he'd be touching me tonight made me roll my eyes, stifling a groan.
… It wouldn't be everything I craved with the hot, wet part of my mind (Its clamping fangs and ragged breath). Anti-Lance would never return my lustful thoughts; would never study my taut muscles from the corner of his eye when I went about solely in my Water-blue underthings, my jacket cast aside, the way that I planned to look at him… if he stripped himself bare for me. Anti-Lance, you may recall, did not desire to take a mate, nor had he ever been betrothed. It wasn't how he went about in the world. He did not (I should think) ever dream of my undressed form pinned against a wall, a thin piece of silk drawn across my lower back to hide my tail from view. I might let it peek.
Anti-Lance had long been counted among my dearest friends. What- Is it a crime to imagine what gorgeously lithe body may lurk beneath his clothes? I've no shame in it. And wei-ta with a drake who'd read just about every novel Kalysta Ivorie ever wrote? Good smoke, colour me curious! Colour me drooling. Sticky saliva puddled on my tongue and my wings already tingled from the thought alone.
I never thought he would. I mean, he's… Well, he's not a romantic person. He'd keep it sociosexual exclusively. And he wouldn't take the dominant role. Not with me. We were born in the same Aurora, less than 5,000 years apart, even though he was a few years older. And I was a Water year, he a Sky. Playing the dominant role was my sacred, ceremonial duty. By Traditions and Customs… never would he ever be dominant with me.
But gods, if he would… If he'd just consider! I'd be so good for him. I'm not even lying! He could press his body up to mine. Maybe to the wall, though it was proper intimacy I truly craved. I could feel his hands wrapped around my wrists, his thumbs pressed directly in my sensitive palms, the cool magic in every breath coasting down my cheeks… I'd turn my face away, lashes fluttering as I relaxed for his touch. Then he'd bring his lips to mine. Soft, from what I remembered. He'd be sweetly, cruelly, regretfully gentle when he took me. Anti-Lance wasn't rough like Anti-Kanin had been. Smoke, I missed Anti-Kanin. Maybe I'd always seen a pinch of him in Anti-Wanda; the cousins shared a love for innuendo no other could compare to.
Maybe that's why Blonda called me Big creche daddy in teasing when she told me I did a fine job in looking out for Mona. There's a certain charm in it. I won't deny that.
Creche father, pin me to the wall. Ravish me like you should your damsels, if your dear academic mind were filthy enough to feel as tempted by me as I am by you.
… Damsels got to feel like this all the time. It wasn't the first time such a thought had flickered through my head, but I sucked in air anyway, still bobbing high above the blue planet where Unwinged Angels and myriad secrets lay.
I'd only had one past life, and it wasn't as an Anti-Fairy. And as I stared and stared at thin clouds passing below my feet, Mona's offer of leaving Anti-Lance's colony to travel side by side with her in crossdressing pleasure grew a little more appealing.
Mona told me damsels can feel just as passionate towards drakes as we feel for them. I ran my tongue across my fangs. If given the opportunity, would Mona try to ravish me? … It seemed so unlikely, but there must be something I could do, either with Liloei's genie magic or my own invention. Some way to allow a damsel to touch my body like a drake…
Blonda will feel amazing, I bet. The words popped up without conscious effort; I cupped a hand across my traitorous lips. The thought shook my hand. I… I didn't mean…
Look, she offered me a date. Yes, yes… When we went for lemonade with Wanda and Juandissimo, Blonda and I had stepped aside to speak privately about her Anti-Fairy fantasies. While I'm not ashamed to be a liar (My whole life's been built on a fraying web of lies), I'd be lying beyond myself if I said the thought of touching her didn't send shivers up my wings. Oh smoke, I needed to fly back above solid cloud before my magic fizzled out again.
And yes, I just spoke of Anti-Lance partnering me from a place of dominance despite his more submissive role in the zodiac: an act of treason I'd have sooner died than participate in before Anti-Cinder explored it so freely with me, unrestricted by cultural expectation. But…
… could I let myself be taken by a damsel? A Fairy damsel? Hmm. It is their kind's damsels that function like our kind's drakes, so it must be okay…
Oh, I actually did need to fly above thicker clouds again. Already, sparks of magic were leaving me as mind and body shifted in unison towards perverted thoughts; it would take very little to convert that all to lust and plunge me to the ground. With a yelp, I anti-poofed back to firmer land. My wings sputtered at my back. They still held (for now), but one glance over the clouds' edge secured my feet firmly where they were. Ahaha… That was a long, long fall.
My creche father awaits me. I'll be locked in wei-ta tonight: the stage of cracked domes. A stage not even Mona has achieved with me, yet one which was offered without my even asking! Let my ancestors and the spirits bear witness that I am a patient and obedient drake. So I reoriented myself towards Fairy World… and Carl Poofypants High beyond it. I walked along the paths until my wings strengthened. With a running start and a dive from a tall tree stump, I could fly again.
But the farther I went, the deeper the sky's chill in my shaky bones. Twitches. Doubts. The future shook apart before me. Why, art history was my life- ever since I was a pup, with Anti-Elina and Anti-Penny doing all they could to make an architect of me. What if - despite the letter the Head Pixie had written for me - I didn't actually want to be a godparent? What if I was assigned to a child cruel to me, or one whose requirements exceeded my abilities? What if I collected my letters of recommendation, wrote my admissions essay, tried the program, and I hated it?
If only I had someone to talk to…
Ah, but I couldn't ask a soothsayer what my assorted future paths held. Too many secrets marred my karmic weave. Lying to Mona that we were betrothed. Lying to Anti-Lance when he confronted me about my past life. Stealing the Head Pixie's karma out of turn and getting called out by Winni himself for doing so. Lying about my past lives so I'm not outcast for calling myself a famed figure when no one would believe me. Keeping the secret that Anti-Buster is father to Anti-Wendy and Anti-Wanda. Speaking with H.P. about the inheritance laws… and to my mother about pulling strings to cause High Countess Anti-Elina an untimely death.
… No, I don't think it would be to my benefit whatsoever to allow any soothsayers a peek. I grit my teeth, skimming back to Fairy World without another thought.
Evening starlight found me slipping into the colony room at Carl Poofypants High, shedding my jacket like a snakeskin. Jasmine lifted her head, but when I greeted her with nothing more than a nod, she lay back down, stretched out near the fire so it warmed her fluffy tummy. Anti-Saffron and Anti-Snowflake stood just inside, speaking in low voices. They cut off when they saw me. Hm. I smiled tiredly at Mona, kissed her lightly, and told the damsels not to let me interrupt them. Anti-Jasper stood out on the balcony with hands clasped behind their back. Anti-Rosefire cooked a soup above the fire, which to my delight smelled entirely of broth and vegetables (and nothing of meat).
No Anti-Blade, I thought, glancing at the corner where he'd so often lain his things. While he hadn't been a scholar, he'd worked harder than he rested. How peculiar to see his old desk draped in ceremonial clothing… and less ceremonial pyjamas that hadn't been put away.
I'd hardly said a word since my return. And the damsels had given up on speaking; Mona had a piece of cloth in her lap (I think it was a bathing towel) that she was trying to repair. Electricity hummed in the air. I tilted my ears one way, then another. While I couldn't pick up on Mona's emotions specifically, I do think tension bit my skin as the most fitting word. The noises in the energy field buzzed like a taut cord, the whir of an axe upon a grindstone, and the squish of sour grapes. What had I walked in on?
She misses Anti-Blade. That thought smacked me in the gut, but I couldn't even blame her for it. He'd been her husband once upon a time, a generation ago. I swallowed a mucus-like lump in my throat and tried to pretend I didn't notice how very quiet it had become.
Anti-Rosefire broke the silence by asking how my venture into Pixie World had been, and I took my turn asking how my colony had fared on the flight home from Cedarcross. A few moments later, Anti-Lance returned with a load of nuts, berries, and cheese. I passed on the latter, but I think we all enjoyed our little gathering. We certainly chuckled and swapped migration stories enough to lift the cold undertones wafting through the room. So I wanted to believe, anyway.
"And did the Head Pixie treat you with demure and respect?" Anti-Lance asked. His cushion sat just a little too far from mine, but he scooted it closer as the seconds drew on. I'd paused, a pinched-off piece of bread on its way to my mouth. Mmm…
My mind trailed back to bungee cord harness H.P. had suited me in so I might steer his cloudship, completely strapped in and at no risk of plunging to the earth below. The way the wind blustered through my hair. The way my claws clenched the starboard wood, my laughter peeling across open air while the faintly smiling Head Pixie gazed at me from the corner of his eye like some sort of fatherly-
"Anti-Cosmo," Anti-Lance said sharply; I jumped, grabbing for my monocle.
"Ah, he- He was the perfect gentleman. Really, Anti-Lance… You know his counterpart and my father were thick as thieves, practically and item, don't you? Trust me- Nothing at all uncouth is going on between us. He keeps a fair distance- He's perfectly polite!" I conveyed my experience of riding on his cloudship to Anti-Lance, but that just made him set his soup bowl with a clatter and look at me very hard. Jasmine pricked her ears, readying herself to move closer.
"I hate that man," he said. "Anti-Cosmo, he's completely overstepping. You asked for a letter of recommendation and here he is trying to get you under his wing. He brings you flowers, he looks for you at gatherings, he's showing you special attention- You've even told me before he's commented on your lift… At this rate, you'll be in his bed by Summer Turn."
The air shifted around us again. Glances flitted around the group. I saw Mona tighten her hands in the fluffy hem of her amauti. And this time, Jasmine did move to stand beside me, her large body rippling with feline muscles any von Strangle would envy. But I gawked right back at Anti-Lance, my wings thumping down to the floor behind me. "Anti-Lance, why- I haven't the foggiest idea how you gathered that impression. If I must repeat myself, never once has he made a move to touch and seduce me, nor invited me into the private rooms of his home."
"I mean no offence to you specifically, but his intentions are questionable and I am not afraid to question him. He's a politician and a business owner. Why does he make time for a random anti-fairy like that?"
"Father, if I may express my pure and honest thoughts" - and as his follower drake, I would - "I think all those Ivorie novels you read are biassing the way you see the world. Look, what does it matter? Even if I did wish to express some form of intimacy with the man someday, don't you dare judge me for the feelings of my heart- You're not drawn to anyone at all, drake OR damsel."
Anti-Lance flared his nostrils. But he looked away. I had him there. What right did he have to comment snidely on my personal relationships? We drank our respective soups in silence after that. And for the most part, I thought it was a fine evening meal. Jasmine lay down beside me. Conversation shifted, making way for kinder things. But after we ate, I saw Mona approach Anti-Lance and whisper something in his ear. He nodded; she and Anti-Snowflake both moved towards the door. Instantly on guard, I put myself in their way.
"What's this? You aren't staying for my ceremony?"
"Anti-Cosmo," Anti-Lance said in warning. I flicked my eyes to him, then to Mona again. You know what? I actually didn't care if I was spooking the damsels. I wanted answers. Had dinner riled me up? I clenched my fists, taking two deep breaths.
"Mona," I tried again, softer now. "Won't you stay? … Our shared creche father is to draw me close tonight. It would mean the world to me if you played the witness role."
Mona lowered his eyes to the floor. "So sorry… Can't commit."
Anti-Lance called my name again, this time getting off the floor, but I lost my temper right then. "I can't believe you!" I shrieked, throwing out my arms. "I don't ask that much of you, Anti-Saffron- Really, I don't! Yet you bind me with your demands of monogamy, you won't even stay for the most sacred of-"
"Anti-Cosmo," Anti-Lance snapped again. This time he grabbed my arm, wrenching me around. I froze, shrinking like a flower beneath his steely gaze. Jasmine growled, and I think Anti-Lance would've done the same had she not caught him off guard. I anti-poofed myself out of his way, up in the array tree, and clung to the branches like a twig myself. With a nod from Anti-Lance, the damsels left. Anti-Jasper and Anti-Rosefire soon went about cleaning dishes off the floor. It was another hour of waiting before the mood in the room settled down again.
"I'm terribly sorry," I began when Anti-Lance flapped his wings and swooped to join me, but he lifted his hand. Light. Tired.
"Don't speak. I don't want to think about Seelie culture tonight. They've taken so much from us; they seep into everything. Let's just… do this the proper way." When I didn't respond, he caught my cheek in hand, turning my face to his. Those sparkling, honey-drizzled eyes melted walls in me I didn't even know I still had. "Just us tonight, playing our part in culture like generations have before us. That's the most important thing in the world right now."
A trickle of misery washed across my flesh (as if it weren't there to begin with). But Anti-Lance did have a point… Verbal confessions - often unbacked by action - were the Fairy way of apology. And our people, well…
We're the exact opposite of that.
"Father," I muttered anyway, pining to get at least one word in, but Anti-Lance stopped me with a soft hand on my wrist.
"Zodii d'Järveii ex Zodii sintu Caelumava. Sin'tari vie ex iluchri. Haajux; autu, si'voh to be sintu vrestia." (You're a Water year and I'm a Sky. This is art and beauty. Take the lead; I wish to be forever yours.) Even Anti-Lance knew enough Vatajasa to convey all that. And he had the sweetest little accent, too- Not nearly as harsh as mine.
I swallowed. Upside-down, beads of bile clung to the top of my my mouth. When I'd turned 150,000 and we transitioned to Stage 7 of intimacy, Anti-Lance had bequeathed to me his right to lead the sõtako ceremony, notwithstanding he was older. And Stage 8, with its exchange of saliva, made little distinction once mouths were pressed together. But the wei-ta ceremony we were engaging in tonight required the cultural respect, precision, and honour that only appealing to the zodiac could grant.
Could I really do that? Haajux? … Take the lead?
"Vrei, si'vrei kai," I replied in turn, even when my core began to beat. Yes, I would like that. And like it, I would. Wherever he was, I could feel Fairy-Cosmo shift, pricking up in curiosity at the sudden shift in my magic and nerves. Oh gods, don't pay attention to me. I say, you'll flare my performance anxiety so much worse. At least I had Jasmine. Should I fumble, she'd be there to pick me up again.
Cool evening light still leaked in through the slit in our Soil-brown window curtains. I shifted so my spread wings would block a peeping passerby from seeing much of anything- We did get those now and again, come to gawk at the Anti-Fairies and their games. Let us not forget we were on campus, in the high school dorms, and that certainly wasn't commonplace.
The room fell into a quiet hum, interspersed with the soft footsteps and rustling paper sounds of Anti-Jasper and Anti-Rosefire far below. With shaking hands (Try as I might to steady them), I took Anti-Lance's tongue in hand and pried out every jewel. He didn't have many. My fingers hovered over the ones I didn't recognize, but I didn't pester him with questions of where they'd come from. He had his history. I had mine. And still he waited, the two of us hanging upside-down in silence…
… and he looked at me. He really looked at me, awaiting instruction from the Water year like the Sky he was, so loyal and pure. Had I ever told him how blindingly stunning I found his black and silver hair to be, or how I adored the way he twisted it back in a neat and tidy bun? Such a pretty Anti-Fairy you never did see. And had I ever dropped in casual conversation my admiration for his toes, which snagged a roost just a hint differently than mine since he'd been raised in a cave? Such an adorable quirk.
I loved the way he always wrapped his wings left over right behind my back when he snuggled me close. I loved the way he carried his schoolbooks to one side, never directly in front of his chest. I loved the way he liked pocketing his hands. I loved watching him read his erotic Ivorie novels, smiling secretly in the back of the room. I loved the muscles thick and bulging beneath his shirt, which he'd left on for ceremony purposes (as I'd left mine).
And I knew in that moment, absolutely, that I loved him. My lips parted as I stared back at him, both of us waiting, his tongue in my hand… Oh, I thought, and it gushed out of me. Why oh why had I wasted my time pining after Anti-Kanin, or clung so tightly to my false betrothal with Mona, or sorting out my confusing feelings for Anti-Wanda (whatever they were, still undefined)? My best friend had been here ever since I escaped Liloei's lamp. He had engaged in ceremony with me when I came of age. He had been my roommate, my protector, all throughout our younger school years. He had cooked with me, cleaned with me, studied with me… attended Mickey's funeral with me, and comforted me with hugs when I wept for the death of that sweet little gyne. He had welcomed me home without a dash of impatience, no matter what mistakes I'd made. He had spent his life in kindness towards me and never asked anything in return.
I closed his gems in my fist, gritting my teeth. Okay…
"I would that I might know the gaps in your soul," I whispered in Vatajasa. The voice that slithered out of me sounded both like and unlike mine. And I snapped back in that instant; remembered this ceremony we were about to engage in would be exactly that. Cracked domes were a symbol of our closeness- of how well we knew each other, and the magic that wreathed around us would bind us as dear friends forever, after all these many years. There would be no kissing and coddling. There would be no "I love you"s rolling off his perfect wrinkled lips. Not here. Not now. Or ever.
Anti-Lance will never love me. Yet what he said was, "So you shall have me, for we are known to one another," and it was so. I shifted closer by half a step and took his hands. My time to lead had come.
We were nothing if not traditional Anti-Fairies. We began with the first stage, then the second, then the third, each movement perfectly precise. Fairies will talk to you in words, dumping all their thoughts and fears outright, whether you expected them to or not. But speaking through touch and the softest squeaks, guiding one another, playing your role… This is what it means to be an Anti-Fairy.
It's your fate. It's decided.
My cheeks sizzled over and over, wings weighed down as my magic shifted to prepare for what we both knew would quickly come. Flying is a privilege, you know. And releasing magic when you hit that very important stage in life takes much higher priority.
He's read Ivorie, I thought, waiting for Anti-Lance to say something about passion and romance… but he felt nothing, and I wheezed between tight fangs. He felt nothing - ceremonial attachment in its rawest and least connected state. This is culture to him, I recalled, and my vision blurred. I gripped his hair just to keep my focus on where we were- I may have even torn a few hairs loose. My mind clicked against Fairy-Cosmo's, who shot me sideways glances from some ethereal world I'd forgotten. Wild thoughts swirled into his; curiosity and confusion leaked back to my side of the bond.
Oh gods, I had the wherewithal to think. I'm mind-melding! I went to wrench back my magic, only to squeak a noise I'd forgotten I knew how to make. I clenched my eyes, digging splinter-like claws deeper in Anti-Lance's hair, black and silver hair twisting in my fists, and good SMOKE, I could taste STARS-
"Anti-Cosmo? Is something wrong?"
Wrong? Oh, he didn't know the half of it. Please don't stop, Noon- Please, please. "It's nothing," I said with a flick of my ear. "Go on."
Stages 8, 9, and 10 involved mouth to mouth contact. I took lead as was my fate, pre-decided, and kissed that man as hard as he would let me. I swept him up. He wrapped one arm against my folded wings, cradling the other behind my head. And this, I realised with a sudden flare of desperation, would be the thing to break him. The faintest tremor lit his fingertips. I dug my claws into his shirt. Mine, I thought. Mine, mine, mine-
Stage 11 pranced just out of reach. As Anti-Wanda had so crudely said over migration, "It doesn't count as mating 'til your domes unlatch." And she was correct in definition, absolutely…
I fought for it. My palms ran down Anti-Lance's sides; he did the same to mine, pressing everywhere I'd ever needed (including places I'd forgotten that I liked). I love you, I gasped as my circuits raged, and gods, did I scrabble for that man.
With a click so soft, it almost went unnoticed, a thin white glow appeared in a stripe along Anti-Lance's upper forehead. I snapped my wings and likely whined against his mouth, and right there, right there - the way he tipped over the edge for me - completely did me in. My dome unlatched straight after, leaking magic in the air. Faster, wilder, and swirling far more than Anti-Lance's; magic caught magic and intertwined above his open head. It began to sink towards his core. And with my energy drained, I realised how very exhausted and foolish I was to cling to a branch so high. I oozed down the array tree more than leapt or climbed. I hardly bothered to grip branches with my toes. When I reached the floor, I fell to my knees with palms trembling on the ground. My fingers curled; Jasmine padded up to lick my face from cheek to ear.
"Hhh… hh…" I shook my head, hard, to clear out all the smoke and magic still hissing inside. Is Mona here? - No, of course not. She hadn't stayed, though neither Anti-Snowflake nor Anti-Jasper acknowledged me on the floor, barely looking up from the parchments they were sorting through. "Oh, I've never… Anti-Lance, you've no idea what a struggle it's been to- How many times I've dreamed, how hard I've fought, just to crack my dome like this…" I wrapped both hands around my head, hunching closer to the floor. All that I could catch, I saved forever in my beating core.
"I do pay attention," he told me softly, swooping down to land. Good smoke, it really is true that drakes drain magic harder and faster than a damsel… Well, I suppose 'dominant' and 'recessive' are the terms I should be using there. Anti-Lance's figure seemed to buzz and crackle with extra energy, his dome latched shut again to hold all the magic I'd granted him, but I certainly couldn't have stood up if I tried. "Thank you, Anti-Cosmo… It means the world to me. You'll be a very fine follower drake."
Follower drake.
Culture. Ceremony. My passion. Bleary-eyed, I raised my head to blink at him. Sticky wetness danced behind my eyes. I love you, I said again, but only in my silence. Did he know? Or did our accursed culture, which held friendships so very dear, leave that ambiguous despite my pants and whines? My claws curled tighter, leaving scuff marks across the floor.
"A… Anti-Lance, I have something to tell you. Perhaps in… private."
He looked at me curiously with those beautiful amber eyes. Jasmine's whiskers twitched against my ear. I swallowed thickly in response and wiped away the acid still prickling from the edge of my mouth. He took my hand. He pulled me up. I clung to him, breathing in that huckleberry scent of him, with my other hand braced on Jasmine's back. Together, they guided me out to the balcony and shut the doors. We should still speak softly, I knew, for any number of Fairies could be drifting around campus behind our dorm, but at least we had privacy from our colony. With Jasmine sitting like one of Winni's leopard statues, I turned to him, shaking beneath his touch, and took his shirt in both my hands.
"Smoke, Anti-Saffron will be distraught if she ever finds out I said this… Please don't tell. I won't press you to swear on it, but she would be so upset. Why, she'd hate me. It's so bloody hard, everything she asks…"
Anti-Lance's brows crumpled inward. "What? She'd never hate you… Why would she ask you to do something you're clearly struggling with?"
"Oh, but she does."
"She's your fated match… Forgive me for treading on this topic, but every time I see the pair of you, I don't understand Tarrow's will. How can you be fated if you're always revealing so much conflict? She… Anti-Cosmo, she's a damsel in this life. She shouldn't be demanding things of you as it is."
Jasmine shifted. I looked away, biting my lower lip. My claws sank into the meaty skin of my hands. "I… I don't know. I've done a bad thing, Father, and my karmic weave is testament to every fraying knot." Gulping then, gasping- "You see, the thing is, I lied about Anti-Saffron. Those questions, those confusions you had regarding fate and why Tarrow would ever pair her with me over Anti-Blade- I'm the reason for it all." He shifted, catching my shoulders, but I ploughed on without waiting for response, holding up my hand (whereupon I bore my Water-blue ring). "I never was betrothed to a Soil. I pulled a silly trick on everyone, and it's been my secret all these many years."
"… I'm sorry? You aren't…"
"What I mean to say is, the betrothal to Anti-Saffron is false- It's all a cover-up I've been clinging to ever since I was a pup. Tarrow actually intended for me to be paired with a Sky year all along, but I had no partner waiting for me the year of my ceremony. Whoever they are, they're out there for me to find. And- and you're a Sky, you see… I've met others, but it's you who's been my friend ever since we started school. And I've wanted this so long - I wanted you - but I was so frightened of revealing that, and Anti-Saffron insists on monogamy; it never would've worked, but then you offered Stage 11 to me first and you're my creche father, so-"
Anti-Lance stared down at me, his brows hovering much, much too high. Every one of his bulging muscles tensed like a centaur about to break into a run. He withdrew one hand, covering his mouth. Then the other, grabbing for his chest. His shirt wrinkled in his grip. "You… you've been withholding all that? All this time?"
I opened my mouth. No words left my tongue. They were there, struggling on broken wings, but couldn't take flight. Jasmine moved to brace me, pushing her head beneath my arm, but it did little good. Oh no, I thought. My core flared to thumping in my chest, struggling to signal to Cosmo Prime my need for more magic while I was burning fast. The silence answered for me. Even though I didn't want it to. Anti-Lance shifted away.
"You see me at a higher stage of intimacy than you were letting on…" Probing eyes raked my face. Stabbing. He reached out to grasp my forearm; it pinched tight where he squeezed. "How long have our exchanges been carnal to you? Why didn't you ever signal?"
"I… I… I…"
I imagined a thousand eyes leering down on me. Like I sat trapped in a void of sick, prying eavesdroppers. My face blazed to purple. I tore my hand back from Anti-Lance's grip, wrapping both arms around Jasmine's neck.
"I didn't want to step out of line! You're my creche father!"
"You didn't signal any of this," he pushed back, completely unafraid of Jasmine's presence. "And to lie about-? Oh my gods. Does she know?"
Jasmine growled. Anti-Lance backed away, but I couldn't stop or let this go. "Anti-Saffron would leave me if she knew how badly I wanted you, Noon! Smokesake it. There! Does that answer your question?" Flushed, stuttering, I made an attempt to yank my shirt down and keep my arms ramrod straight at my side. No more touching him. "You don't understand, darling… You don't understand the perilous position I'm in concerning my private life. Anti-Saffron demands I be monogamous. I can't… I can't. I've tried for her. That's why I couldn't signal my affections. I have to keep myself away, hold myself back, because Anti-Saffron will shame and hate me if I betray her faith. She doesn't ask much of me, but my gods, Anti-Lance… The few things she does request certainly weigh heavily on a drake's conscience. Still, I don't want it to be said I'm not a trying man. I try to be a desired suitor, but it's bloody hard sometimes; you know what I mean?"
"And a false betrothal-"
"Anti-Buster knows. Winni himself even knows. Gods, it tangles knots in my karma something awful, but it's my fate." I went to grip his hands, then remembered that bit I'd just decided about keeping my touches to myself. I clutched Jasmine's night-black fur instead. "The high-ups know- The spirits know. They'd stop me if it were severely inappropriate, but this is the path I've landed on. I'm completely and unequivocally in love with you, Anti-Lance. You're a Sky; I'm a Water. Is that not fate swelling up in spite of the direction my path has veered?"
"Does Anti-Saffron know?"
Dear Mona. I shouldn't have mentioned Mona; perhaps I should've lied. "She bloody well suspects; I'll tell you that for free. Have you seen the way she turned moony as soon as your brother hit the scene? I swear, that woman would've loved to see you fall to him when you sparred. Look- I'll tell her here and now, tonight when she returns, everything I've ever lied to her about. I'll cut her loose. But take me. I want you so badly, it's tearing me apart- I can't smother these feelings anymore."
Anti-Lance looked down at himself then, seeming to realise for the first time that he was gripping his other arm ever so tight to his body. "Look, I… I just… This is hard for me. I don't understand why you didn't signal." And gesturing suddenly towards the door, "Would you signal correctly now, if I invited you? Alone, in shame, but never where our friends could see? Or would your fears of outside approval still hold you back?"
Tears, chunky as ice chunks, stung the backs of my eyes. Alone in 'shame?' Is that what you think of me? "I- I've never been ashamed of my emotions. This isn't about signals… I can tell you point blank that I want you wei-ta. I've always wished we were wei-ta! Gods, Noon… Your body is incredible, your silky salt and pepper hair enchants me, but this dratted betrothal has ruined my life. It would shatter Anti-Saffron if she knew how much I long for you- she asked me specifically to stop at the 10th stage of intimacy, and even then she tried coaxing me to stop at 9. I rather suspect she'd cut me dry entirely if she could; she wants me for herself. She desires every physical centimetre of me to be her pride alone." My gaze flickered down to my toes. I crossed my feet together, long opposables wrapping one around the next. "And yet… I don't desire Anti-Saffron with the same intensity that I desire you. And she doesn't desire me the way she longs for Anti-Blade. Anti-Buster always told me that I had to be the one to loosen the frayed knots in my weave… and if tonight is the night I cut ties with her, let it be so. But take me. I love you."
Jasmine pressed her body to mine, offering to guide me towards the door. But I didn't move. I couldn't move.
Anti-Lance's wings twitched, fidgeting open and shut. Anti-Lance moved his hand to touch the place he bore no betrothal ring. He'd never had the ceremony; unlike me, he hadn't the foggiest what zodiac his fated match would be. "I, um… This is a lot to take in, Anti-Cosmo. You've never signalled any of this."
"I know… Bloody smoke, I know. And I won't ask you to act on this information just yet. I simply knew the time had come to be open with the truth."
"'The truth,'" he repeated, flapping out his wings. Uh… "You've changed the course of Anti-Saffron's entire life. You lied to her- You've pulled her away from Anti-Blade, who must have been her intended betrothed, and you've been lying to everyone for 160,000 years. How long- How far do you intend this to go?" His eyes went wide- "You were planning your wedding… Does she know?"
"Anti-Lance, you don't understand," I cried, every trace of magic now whirling beneath my skin. I shook my hands back and forth, pleading with every flap of my wings and grovelling word- "I was so wrong and desperate back then- I'm better now- Smoke, I don't know where to start. My incarnation cycle is especially peculiar and you know about my, um… my divus displacement disorder - I've made mistakes. But I've changed! It's so, so difficult to untangle myself from the web of lies I've snared myself in, but I can do this if I have your support. I want you so very badly - You don't have to say 'Yes' right now - but I've realised how madly I'm in love with you, and that's the first knot in my weave I must unpick."
I took my shakiest breath yet as he gazed at me, his expression wobbly and undefined. Dear Anti-Lance… how very pure he was, and disregarding Jasmine's next suggestion to leave the balcony, I went on. "Anti-Saffron has never - and will never - satisfy me the way I know you can. I need you- I've had a taste of you that drives me mad. I need you…" Show me what those muscles can really do, big boy.
"I… What difference does that make?" he asked. Oh gods, how I wanted him right then. "You're a Water year; I'm a Sky… We can't touch like that."
My fangs pressed into my lower lip. I drew my wings in, lifting one hand to rub my shoulder- anything to create a little movement, to get those probing eyes of his off my face. "That, um… That doesn't really matter, does it? It's just tradition, but we could sometimes… I mean, when no one's watching- It's not like it's Da Rules…"
"That's not allowed," Anti-Lance said quietly, still shielding his body a bit from me. "I'm a Sky year… Do you ever read about Munn making advances towards Sunnie? We'd be insulting everything our Traditions and Customs stand for. We'd betray the nature spirits."
My silence spoke for me. I looked away so Anti-Lance wouldn't see the tears boiling against my eyes. The energy field sang a rather incriminating song of stringed instruments behind my back; again, Jasmine nudged me with her big head. My hands found her ears. I drew a long, shuddering gasp of air through my fangs. "I don't care. I want you to ravish me like you would a damsel, if you were the type who even liked them. I want you, Anti-Lance, and I want you in the way I know is my only pleasure. I want you to lead the ceremony."
"If you're non-practicing," came his instant response, "then get out of my colony."
"What?"
Anti-Lance shoved me back, sending my crumpled wings slamming into Jasmine's back. She snarled this time, pinning back her ears, but with me clinging to her to stay upright, she couldn't just lunge. When I looked up, Anti-Lance bared his fangs, energy field screeching with strings- "My colony follows the Zodii ways, and if you intend to disrespect the spirits who've given us everything, you're no longer welcome here. Get out."
"Anti-Lance…?"
"Look- Take a fly around to clear your head if you have to, but come back only to pick up your things. Then I want you out of my room. For good. Don't even talk to me next migration. I- That's disgusting."
"But I AM practising, darling!" I wailed. "It's just one little suggestion in our relationship, to better fit the feelings that I experience when I think of you… Anti-Lance, I didn't mean it as an insult! And… and Fairies don't care about the zodiac, and we don't consider their relationships a real offence!"
He could not be moved. And he left me there, trembling against my cat sith, acid still dripping down my mouth and sizzling holes against my shirt. I… I didn't have a colony anymore. I didn't have Anti-Lance.
I'd just lost Mona.
That last thought hit me like a cascade of cinderstone. I clapped both hands over my face, squeezing my lips and trying to keep my eyes from popping straight out of my head. My wings staggered; I teetered dangerously on the brick I stood on. In kicking me from the colony, Anti-Lance had just sentenced me to wander on my own… or else join up with someone else at the lowest possible level, effectively stripped of the follower drake title he'd so kindly offered me.
No more Mona.
Jasmine spoke to me, probably in comforting words, but I hardly heard them. My fingers slid around to the sides of my head. I clenched my temples in my palms, wings beating furiously, and hiccupped into the night. No… Anti-Lance was creche father. Mona and I weren't married; I had no authority… I couldn't pry her away from him… and if he'd been so hung up on tradition, he certainly wouldn't let her follow me if I fled.
"I'm a drake without a colony… What do I do? Who do I sign with when I next leave migration … Anti-Lance, please… I didn't mean any offence… Mona, please… Please…"
I crumpled in the corner, legs folded crookedly, and kept my palms pressed against my eyelids for a long time. Jasmine lay behind me, even though some secret horrid part of me wished she'd chase Anti-Lance across campus and nip him in the tail. I wept through my choked-up throat for Anti-Kanin, who'd broken our relationship when I never grew taller after coming into my adult wings. He was a Love year, I thought, bitterly wiping my tears on each hand. Loves are the universal dominant; he could've taken lead with me, and that aligns with bloody tradition.
Anti-Apollo had been muscled and comforting, but I'd had no attachment to pull the night together; it meant no more to me then than tonight meant to Anti-Lance (Who I was certainly not dwelling on now). He called me Ilisa, though… He clung to that idea that he'd snogged the modern incarnation of a bloody famous individual. I say, I couldn't live like that.
Anti-Wendy had been kind to me, but in my shortness, I'd failed to satisfy. Did that mean her counterpart Blonda would be incredibly content? The ache in my chest blazed like wildfire and I broke into sobs all over again. I want you, I thought, dragging clumps of hair into my eyes, but we can't touch… We can never, ever touch like that. It would be your undoing. That kind of body contact would drive a Fairy's magic mad. Anti-Shylinda killed Rhoswen for that, though he wanted her so… I can't do that to you.
I thought of Anti-Wanda then, still sniffling and wiping away the last of my stinging tears. "I'll bet Anti-Wanda would blitz me," I said aloud, not even caring who heard me drop that filthy word. I ached that much. "She grew up in the Eros Nest, away from Zodii culture. She'd absolutely take me that way- I know she would. If only she were a drake!"
Or had her years spent on the camarilla court, playing dress-up and Seat of Sky, changed her view? What year is Anti-Juandissimo? Would he do this for me?
I think… I understood young Dame Artemis more in that moment than I ever had before (or ever would again). Hadn't her flock thrown her out for kissing a damsel when Refracts believe affection and preference for one person above another is so very cruel and wrong? And hadn't she picked herself up anyway, living for herself no matter how her culture scolded?
I need to talk to her. But I didn't know where to find her. Probably in the High Kingdom. I'd likely never see her again.
The longer I sat out there with Jasmine, the more it dawned on me - like a far-reaching sunbeam - just how little value I must hold to Mona. Upon arrival to Anti-Lance's colony, she'd offered herself for rotation… Yes, she came to school for me, but what could I possibly offer to lure her back? Me, with my scheming nature, my evasiveness, the fickle way I sometimes brushed her off? How could I possibly charm her core when Anti-Blade, her husband one life ago, had everything I did and more?
Mona, please…
I had to talk to her.
I made my decision not long before the bright-star segment of the night. Anti-Lance had warned me not to enter the colony room except to collect my things, at which point he wanted me gone. And man of tradition that he was, he'd surely stop me if he realised what I was about to do. Jasmine and I circled around to stand in the corridor before our door. When Mona and Anti-Snowflake returned, I set upon her at once, grabbing her shoulders like a hawk.
"Mona, I love you," I blurted next. "Marry me… Please."
She lurched back; Anti-Snowflake shot her a wide-eyed glance. "Wh- what?"
I drew in a shuddering breath. The next few sentences were hasty - a request for privacy, dismissing Anti-Snowflake to disappear inside the room. Mona looked confused, but I pulled her down the hall regardless, much farther from Anti-Lance's ears. "I've been thinking on what you said, about dressing up as drake and damsel. As each other, with you acting as my creche father. I should have decided this before we left migration - So sorry to spring it on you now - but I realised tonight how badly I want you. I'll be monogamous for you. I've been so horribly dismissive, but I love you more than I've ever loved drake or damsel before. Marry me, and I will be the most doting and attentive husband you could ever ask for. For smoke's sake, I shall even be your wife if you prefer the husband's role. This I swear."
"Ah… Oh."
"Mona, please… Please just hear me out. I know I am not a successful man. I have little to offer you in the ways of home or fancy clothes. I have no orchards. I have no castle. I've never been a creche father. I have not been as attentive to you this semester of school as Anti-Blade or even Anti-Lance. I know I cannot compete with him in that way, and if I could turn back the clock and sing your due praises then, I surely would. But I love you… I've stood at your side for 160,000 years. Or 100,000 of them, at least, for I spent 70,000 in a genie's bottle… and I suppose I did spend another 30,000 travelling with bachelor colonies, and I disappeared…" I cut those ramblings short, raising my head. "I haven't been your true love."
"You're my fated match," came Mona's reply, instantaneous. I didn't respond to that, gripping her hands even tighter now.
"I've had my ups and downs, my disappearing acts… This could all happen again. If you won't accept my proposal, I won't hold it against you in the least. But I beg - nay, I PRAY - tell me now, as I kneel before you in my humility" - I forgot to kneel; I lowered myself, wings flapping as I swallowed hard - "and don't drag out consideration, for I will go mad with wild longing. Will you marry me even if it means leaving Anti-Lance behind? I know you cared for Anti-Blade, but he's flown off and I want nothing more than to be yours before he can return."
Mona did not answer. I trembled before her, not exactly kneeling because I couldn't bear to sit, as her eyes searched my face for every thread of honesty.
"What do you want me to say?" Mona finally asked. She pulled the hood of her amauti over her head, scowling deep. "I'm 'your' damsel, aren't I? … Are you genuine, drake, in guaranteeing this gift of free agency? Am I to choose for myself, or am I to answer only as you ask of me?"
I said nothing, moving my palm to Jasmine's head.
"I barely know him," Mona emphasised, lightly pleading. "I've had dozens of perfect conversations with Anti-Blade where he treated me like a person irrelevant of the gender title I was incarnated with in this life. I value that… It aches, Anti-Cosmo, when you're on my other shoulder scolding me all the time for expressing myself… but I've only known him for a short while. You're asking me to make a choice based on that small amount I know. You're testing me with questions I have no answer for. I prefer patient planning."
I cast my eyes to my feet, clenching my shaking hands into fists. I shivered in the winter cold. "Mona… Fated pairs don't have to be romantic ones. If… if Anti-Blade makes you happy… If you live with him by day and see me only at migration… that would be enough. I can still love you and it won't break my heart. I'll love you…"
Mona pushed her claws through her hair, eyelids fluttering in faint exhaustion. "Julius, I appreciate the offer… but I've been thinking, too. What if we didn't marry at all?"
It struck like lightning. Like a flare. Like a frayed knot, jet black in my karma weave and seeping poison ooze. I blinked. Hard. "Wha… what?" Trickles of ice began to weave through my veins. Of all the things I'd thought Mona might speak, this hadn't been one of them.
"Cruising with a colony," she whispered, "out here in a real colony, not caged and confined to Castle corridors… I think I understand now. I don't desire extreme exclusivity with a single soulmate after all. Not necessary; not needed."
I didn't say anything.
I couldn't say anything. One thought played through my head in a loop, my throat cinching tighter with each round it made: Anti-Blade is a Water year. Mona was matched with one. He and Mona are surely the soulmates Tarrow first intended. The drake I'd torn her from to tie her fate to mine instead… Even if she didn't know the truth, her core knew it for her. Tangible fate had caught her in its web.
"Can…" The world seemed to rattle beneath my feet. "Can you still love me?" One cat sith alone may not be enough to hold me upright if she refused.
"Well… I admire both you and Anti-Blade." Mona shared with me a wry, crooked smile. "Like a teapot spilling over in several cups."
"Oh," I said, wringing my hands in the hem of my shirt. I'd used those same words in reply to her once upon a time. Bloody hell, I could hardly remember. "I understand… But we can still marry, can't we? I don't see why not."
Mona sighed. She rocked back on her heels. "That's the problem. I enjoy both your company and his, but you're following different paths in life. Anti-Blade wants to make his own way as creche father… and when we were touching before that sparring match went down, he made clear he intends to choose me as his queen. I've dreamed dearly of dashing with a colony side by side with my mate- ever since I was a pup. He'll be a creche father… I'm certain of it. But your interests lie… elsewhere."
"'When you were touching,'" I repeated. That wasn't the part of her statement that should have stood out to me, but somehow it did. My hands tightened again, pinching nerves. "You always acted like you didn't want any drake touching you but me. It's suddenly different now? Anti-Blade is a meathead. What about him appeals to your soul?"
"That meathead," Mona snapped, instantly losing her temper, "was my husband in my last life!"
There it was, fate crashing down around my ears in wads of yarn. Jasmine set her teeth, glancing to me. I stepped back, hand to my mouth. "But," I whimpered, pathetic as a kitten, "Mona, we're fated."
"I don't know," she whispered back, reaching out to clasp my hands. "I knew him when he spoke his former name… He is the husband I once knew as well as I knew myself. I've tried to wait, Julius. I didn't want to like him purely for his past identity. But I fell in love with his personality before. Maybe many times. Do you know how hard it is to resist someone who's your ideal drake in every way?" She bit her lip, then, and I wished to bite it too- To drag her towards me, clinging to everything slipping through my fingers to the floor. "I… I think Tarrow may have sent me two soulmates this lifetime. And I don't know why."
… Yes. About that… I took another scratchy breath, smoothing down the hair prickling behind my ears. "Well, I understand that. You know I'm an imperfect man and that my eyes have often strayed. If you ask it of me, I will commit to monogamy eternal… but if you yourself are dreaming of other drakes, I cannot pretend I don't wish for that myself."
"I know," Mona said. "I know. I've… done some thinking." She looked at me then. I tilted my head in question, fretting quite a bit that she might just… break our betrothal off there and then. She looked away. Then to me again. All she said was, "I'll marry you if I'm also allowed opportunity with Anti-Blade."
Drat it all. I'd dragged my feet too much. I never should have brought her along to school. Not that I knew who Anti-Blade was or his significance in Mona's past life, but irritation simmered in my head nonetheless. If only Cosmo had answered my letter, I thought then, and what an insult that he hadn't. If only I had the faintest idea whether he's in a relationship, or whom he might partner with… I could cut her loose now if I knew for certain there's a damsel in my future.
I needed Mona, though. Mona knew my plan to outwit the honey-lock; to father a hosting counterpart outside its magic bond. If I couldn't coax a second damsel to believe my wild scheme, everything I'd worked for would go up in flames.
"That's a yes, then," I checked, just to be completely certain. I'll be married soon enough. The words fell flat inside my head. Perhaps we should have done this the sociosexual way, not standing here in the hall. Cold.
"Yeah, yes. Out wedding awaits."
At least that's something, I thought while I packed my things away. One of these days, she might actually satisfy my needs. Perhaps Anti-Blade will even give me time of day. He WAS Anti-Lance's brother, so the two of them might have more in common than either openly let on. And I could freely and shamelessly request that Mona touch me intimately… At least that's one benefit of marriage to a damsel.
But I would miss the thrill that came with drake-to-drake engagement. Gods, I hope Anti-Blade takes me in passion until I beg and squeal. He could be creche father for all I cared. In fact, I think I'd prefer him that way. If he brought me on as follower drake, he might even be touching me more than he touched Mona. Perhaps he'd fawn over each of us in a single night, back and forth until we both unravelled at his hand. We could snuggle up on either side of him. You know, I might like that, actually. I might like that very much indeed.
And he IS a Water year… We're the same rank. I really should ask what time of year he was born. For smoke's sake, that wedding and reunion couldn't come soon enough.
Anti-Lance watched me from the far side of the room. He did not speak to Mona, for which I was quite grateful. But I could tell he wanted to. Only his unwavering fate in tradition and customs held him back, knowing to speak such a thing to her (especially in my presence), would be undeniably rude. Or maybe he did fear Jasmine deep down… but wasn't about to say so.
Still, I trembled as I moved about the room, counting minutes like an unsteady creep of melting ice down my spine. I wasn't undesirable, was I? Blonda wanted me…
… and Anti-Lance was never going to. Maybe it was better this way.
I left the colony without a word to Anti-Lance, Anti-Saffron trailing after me. She didn't have much beyond her clothes and books- Her interests lay with animals, and the only one of those we had was Jasmine. I did not look back. I did not break. Instead, I strode straight to the room of a dame I knew would take me in. With my wand, I knocked.
"Is that Anti-Cosmo?" I heard Wanda ask Blonda, who responded with equal confusion. Nonetheless, she crossed the room to open the door. I stood straight and proud - smiling too - charming and elegant in my jacket and monocle. With one hand, I gestured to Jasmine and Mona.
"Good evening, darlings… As I will soon be a married man, my creche father has asked that we remove ourselves from his colony, in line with old traditions." Lying, lying, but I held my place in the air without a tremble in my wings. "It was… something I'd overlooked, I'm afraid, or I would've sent word sooner. But could Anti-Saffron and I stay here tonight? I'm afraid we shan't be able to speak to administration until tomorrow."
Wanda poofed to join her sister, squinting hard from her place behind the door frame. "Anti-Fairies and a cat sith in our room while we sleep? This feels like a trap."
"Why don't you roost from a tree?" Blonda asked, narrowing her eyes. My wings sank. Even Blonda cast suspicion on me?
I can swing this. I just have to play the part; put on an act. "If you must know," I said, rolling every snooty tone into my voice I could, "my magic specialisation is in creature summons, not essential sensories. Poofing all our things into the unknown - where I can assure you I would quickly lose track of it - would not be the most intelligent move I could make, nor would I particularly like to leave it spread across the ground for thieves and rapscallions to get ahold of."
"I'll poof it then," Wanda said, refusing to budge. "You can find me in the morning and I'll poof it straight back. But you're not staying in our room."
I frowned. Nonetheless… Wanda had offered a solution where I could, quite probably, trust mine and Mona's things would not be stolen in our sleep. I hovered over my words for a few seconds more, debating what time I would likely wake… then brushed my hand across Jasmine's scalp and relented.
"You're ruthlessly fair, Wanda dear. I like that. Very well… Mona and I will sleep outside. Please be careful with our things. I have some very precious books from the Blue Castle itself that I'd like not to lose."
Wanda looked uncertainly at my trunk of things. "Right," she said. "I'll handle with care."
"Wonderful! You are much too kind."
"I'll help you find a good tree," Blonda offered. Wanda sighed, but didn't stop her twin from following me into the hall. "It wouldn't be proper to send you off without knowing you'd found a good one."
"Quite so, darling." I cast one final, regretful glance at the items I hoped I'd soon see again - not the least of which was H.P.'s letter of recommendation - but went off with Blonda, Jasmine, and Anti-Saffron on my tail. Our search dragged on longer than I'd wanted, the campus trees being neatly trimmed or awkwardly shaped. While Jasmine and I studied the left side of the courtyard, Blonda took charge of the centre and Mona the farthest end. Several minutes into the search, Blonda crept close enough to me that Mona wouldn't catch us. In fact, I jumped at Jasmine's growl, too absorbed in tree branches to hear her wings at all.
"You're getting married?" she whispered. "Does that change our date plans? … It's fine if it does. Really, I understand- I just want to know."
I swished my eyes across the courtyard. Mona wasn't looking. I'd have to be quick.
"I'd never cancel on you, my dear," I murmured back. "In fact, my fiancée" - Ha; I could actually call her that now - "has agreed to open our relationship again. But don't speak of it in front of her; I'd rather she didn't suspect I've been flirting beneath her nose. And I've no room to call my own… If you still desire a taste of Anti-Fairy intimacy, we'll have to wait until she's not around, nor your sister."
Blonda too glanced across the prickly purple grass. "My sister visits her boyfriend every weekend; he's the Head Pixie's intern or something. If you can get away… I'd be glad to see you. Whenever it works best."
At least I have you, I thought. Anti-Lance had abandoned me, thrust me from his life, but Blonda, well… I should've known she'd be so loyal. My fingers itched for the stack of letters - those crude and filthy letters - that I'd passed so many hours writing in Cedarcross. But they were in my trunk, so I'd have to share them another time (if I ever chose to). And in a sudden impulse, I brought my hand behind her head, guided her close, and kissed her lightly on the scalp. I went to turn away, but Blonda caught me by the jacket sleeve.
"Don't keep me waiting long, Anti-Cosmo… Knowing you'll be sleeping just outside, counting down the days until you're cuddled up with me, is enough to drive me mad."
"Keep you waiting?" I scoffed. "Darling, I wouldn't dream of it." She was peering at me quite funny, her rosy eyes wide and wobbly; I cupped my hand against her cheek. "Ah-ah. Know this, and know it well: it's your face that will be playing across my head day in, day out… and soon enough, I'll have you in my arms. Good night, luv."
Blonda's face prickled pink and warm. She pulled away, wrapping her winter shawl more tightly around her shoulders. "… Ah. Well, good night, Anti-Cosmo. I'll be expecting you." Gesturing towards the dorms, she finished with, "I got into that play. I'm often at rehearsals late, but drop by in the morning and I'll give you a copy of my schedule. When I'm free, just let yourself in… any time you're ready."
Hmph. Anti-Lance had no idea what he was missing. And neither does Mona. But Blonda knew me. She could take me apart with just a thought. "Believe me, darling," I replied with a parting tip of my crown, "I intend to." And I would.