Muse

by crushed2

Brittany Pierce left everything behind in Ohio in hopes of finding a new beginning in New York City, and by everything she meant her trust in people and her passion for performing. A chance encounter with a beautiful model may just change all of that.

27. Chapter 27

Life has been interesting since Santana began to gear up for her own tour. A lot of exciting things had been happening, but nothing more exciting than awards season. Everybody Santana knew had gathered at Holly's for the Grammy nominations. All of her friends who worked there of course, as well as Lexi, who is family now as Nani gets more comfortable with claiming her as her own, and also a newer friend...Camille.

Santana and Camille had been talking a couple of times a month while they were out promoting their projects. Camille actually liked writing her feelings down, some of which she hadn't yet shared with Santana yet, but it still felt good to get them out, to put pad to paper. They would always meet via Zoom, Santana would record every call from beginning to end and they always started out the same. Santana would do a quick check in on her wellbeing, and then she would ask her what she wanted to share. Sometimes Santana would grab her guitar or sit at the piano, and they would play around with the words, and Camille would sing, and her voice would sound more beautiful each time.

Santana knew how therapeutic this process was, but she also knew that Camille was learning from this, learning that writing wasn't just poetry to music. Songwriting wasn't just being able to come up with a melody in your head and being able to somehow play an instrument to bring that melody to life. Once they began writing Santana taught her to hum how it sounded into a recorder, and she would play it for her once she heard it. Santana told her that she can take music lessons, that she can go back to school or maybe take a few music composition classes online. Santana was teaching her to create. She didn't have a lot of free time to spare, but in reality it was a lot of fun for her as well. It was one of those moments when music was hers again. When it wasn't business. Still, Santana was a businesswoman.

Which is why she wanted these Zoom calls recorded. It insured that Camille knew everything was being taped. Should this music they are writing become profitable Santana wants her full piece of the pie, and the bonus of recording the calls was that thing that it provides that also protects her relationship... the transparency.

Sue wasn't happy when Santana disclosed their little songwriting project but Santana told her she would be using Zoom for everything, which would require for Camille to consent to each and every recording. Sue liked that part. Santana struggled with whether she should tell Sue because she doesn't want a handler, but music was involved, and music is her job now, not just something she loves. So even if she was doing this to help someone she thought that her manager should know.

She also told her she couldn't speak a word about it, as she had promised Camille this was between them and she meant that. But after Sue had her back when Greg tried to scoop her announcement news she decided that they should be upfront about anything that might become an issue down the line, and so she shared this with two people only...Sue and Brittany.

So when Camille showed up at Holly's...well...let's just say a little chaos followed. Santana and Camille, in this little club, the hands down two biggest new artists on the scene right now, well thankfully both Sue and Roz were there and made sure that there would be someone to help them through the crowd once the ladies left, because both the paparazzi and the fans formed a bit of a crowd outside.

Santana also invited Cal, who initially thought the ladies would come to the label for the big moment but he understood why Santana would want to do this at Holly's. He didn't even think much of Camille choosing to go to Holly's as well, after he'd asked Santana to speak to her. He knew that Santana made her feel at ease. So Cal decided to join them at Holly's. because seeing the two young women he helped get their start hear their names announced for the first time for a Grammy was a more exciting prospect than sitting with the other execs at the label gloating that he was the one who brought in the two hugest new acts the label has seen in a couple of years.

So they gathered, and the atmosphere was electric, as the announcements were read. They sat through the categories that they didn't expect nominations in and they all cheered loudly for both Camille and Santana when they did get nominated in four categories together, but there was one that had left Santana stunned into silence.

She had heard rumblings, but didn't dare to dream. She only found herself halfway listening when she heard it.

"...and the nominations for Songwriter of the year/ non classical performance are..."

Santana smiled as she heard that one of the writers of "Deeper than I love yous" garnered a nomination, and just as she was about to comment on the honor..

"Santana Lopez..."

Santana simply looked at the screen dumbfounded. She's written 2 songs. It's not possible. Most of the nominees have 4 or 5 songs on the charts and have written countless more. Plus, it isn't like "Girl" was exactly poetry. Sure, Santana is technically listed as a writer on "Hard lessons", Camille's song that she sung backup on that is also expected to garner a few nominations as well as a tenuous credit she has on "Deeper than I love yous" that she doesn't even consider and she's sure nobody else does either. This can only be on the strength of "Stronger", and one song doesn't get you this nomination.

She instantly looked for Cal as Brittany wrapped her arms around her neck and everyone clapped and celebrated. Cal smiled brightly at her.

"I'm gonna get my ass kicked in this category..." Santana said with a nervous laugh.

"Doesn't matter," Cal said, standing and walking closer to Santana. "This nomination means that the academy wants to hear what you have to say with your music. This is phenomenal for a new artist."

This was crazy, because 2 years ago she never considered herself anything other than a good performer. Santana couldn't help but look at Camille, expecting something less that what she saw...a genuine smile on her face. It was as she had expected...the people around her were the problem...not Camille. Still, she was really hoping that Camille got a lot of nominations and a few wins...

She also hoped that she would get a few more herself.

And the nominations kept coming...for both of them.

"The nominees for best dance/pop recording...Santana Lopez 'Don't leave your girl around me."

"The nominees for best short form music video...Camille Nelson 'Away too long'"

"The nominees for best duo pop performance... "Camille Nelson and Santana Lopez, 'Deeper than I love yous'."

"The nominees for best pop solo performance..."Camille Nelson 'Hard Lessons'"

"The nominees for best new artist...Camille Nelson..." Everybody cheered quietly in support of Santana's new friend..."Santana Lopez"...

...but they lost it when Santana's name was read. Both women smiled. They expected that this would be one of the categories they went head to head in.

Then it came time for the most coveted awards, the ones people wait hours until the end of the night to hear.

"The nominees for record of the year are "Camille Nelson 'Hard Lessons'" again everyone congratulated her as quietly as possible, but they also waited, because they knew that Santana really deserved this one, and she really wanted it, too.

"...Santana Lopez, "Stronger than Shame". And then the room exploded, but Sue quieted them all, because they were celebrating too soon.
"Camille Nelson and Santana Lopez, 'Deeper than I love yous'."

Santana smiled the brightest smile and looked at Camille who was smiling at her the same way. Still, they both knew that there was much more to come.

"The nominees for Song of the year are...Santana Lopez, 'Stronger than Shame'..." the room roared but quickly quieted because they knew there was more to possibly come.

"Camille Nelson and Santana Lopez, 'Deeper than I love yous'" and the room was ready to erupt but they waited, waited to hear if "Hard Lessons" made its way into this category.

It didn't, but it was fine. All they each wanted was a chance, and the deck was stacked right now for them to have a chance to bring home at least one. And still, there was the biggest category yet left to be revealed.

"The nominees for Album of the year are... Camille Nelson, 'Camille'...there was very respectful clapping because everyone was waiting on pins and needles...Camille included.

"Santana Lopez, 'Stronger than Shame'". And that was it. Pandemonium. Cal stood to his feet and clapped and as everyone grabbed both women into hugs and congratulated them Cal waited a moment before finally making his way to both of them.

"I'm so proud of you both," Cal said, and it meant so much to both of them. "17 nominations between you two, if I count 'Deeper' for each of you as I should. I'd bet money that both of you will win at least one."

"Don't jinx us..." Santana said. "Plenty of people have been nominated a dozen times and never won a single thing."

"You ladies worked your asses off. I mean, the world fell in love with both of you and guess what? You two coming here to hear the news together with the two fan bases outside together, seeing you, well this is going to work out better than the frenemies angle the label wanted. If they join forces and start supporting the friends of their faves, well your gold records may be platinum one day in the near future."

Both ladies just smiled.

"Not that I doubted that they would one day go platinum, it's not a quick process, but it could be a lot quicker now. You two are my dynamic duo." Cal said proudly, putting an arm around each of their shoulders and pulling both women into a hug. Congratulations ladies. When you leave here come by the offices. There are a lot of people there who will want to congratulate you in person."

"Thanks for coming by Cal. We really appreciate it," Santana said and Camille nodded in agreement.

"There's no place I would have rather been this morning," Cal said before leaving to head back to the office.

Santana was on a cloud. Sure, she had been snubbed for some categories that she thought she should have been in, but that Songwriter of the year nomination made up for a lot. She knows she won't win. She knows she probably doesn't even belong there, not yet, but that nomination may mean the most of all to her, because it means the people in the industry are beginning to see her the way that she's beginning to see herself...as a writer.

And she doesn't want it to stop there. She wants to be a producer. She wants to wear every hat. She wants to know the ins and outs of this business and excel at it, and she maybe even is using this experiment with Camille to see if she can write for others, and even produce, and then she will try other genres of music. Santana is Wolf's kid and maybe she is plotting a lot of things, but she's using her powers for good.

Everyone celebrated all morning, and at the end Santana and Camille decided they would go out together and greet the fans. The two stepped outside, Santana grabbing Brittany by the hand and pulling her forward to join them. Santana wanted the world to know that Brittany was there, front and center, and that she would always want her there. So she was deliberate with her pulling her forward, and Santana smiled when Camille hugged her goodbye once her car came and then moved on to hug Brittany as well before waving and jumping into the car. Santana knew that Camille understood what appearances meant, and she was honoring their friendship by acknowledging her relationship, and it made Santana even more comfortable with their budding friendship.

Santana went back inside for just a little while before heading over to the label with Sue, Brittany, Mercedes, Sam and Quinn for a short while. The crowd didn't thin out very much once Camille left, so either her fans were really starting to embrace Santana as well or more of Santana's fans were showing up. Santana was simply enjoying spending the time with everyone that she no longer gets to spend time with, but she also loved that it was free advertisement for Holly's. She could never repay Holly for what she had done for her, but she would never stop trying to think of ways to shine a light on her artists and her business.

And there were many more days like this, as they gathered together for big news. The excitement they all felt when that Oscar nomination was actually finally read and the expectation to perform on that stage that came along with it. The American music awards nominations. The nominations for so many prestigious awards and soon, hopefully, the wins.

Santana had been working on music for her next album, working on putting together her first tour that would start in May. Hectic wasn't the word. Meanwhile Brittany and Nani had been living together technically, but with the amount of time that Nani spent at Lexi's Brittany pretty much had the place to herself and Santana was growing restless with all of the things that remained unresolved. They hadn't had time to look for a home. Brittany hadn't dealt with her dad. Stan was on a roller coaster ride with his health. The only good thing was that Melissa and Brittany talked a lot more now. They were building that relationship as they cared for Stan. What Santana didn't know was that the man was slowly losing his battle, and that's part of the reason that Brittany didn't want to deal with her father yet. Stan was her father, and she wanted him to know that she saw him as such. She would deal with her dad if Stan didn't make it, or better yet...hopefully...when Stan got better.

Brittany had sworn Melissa to secrecy, that she wouldn't let Santana know that Stan was declining. Brittany didn't want anyone to know that she had decided she didn't want to deal with her aunt, because that was Gail's sister, and she just was wary of anyone related to that woman. She knows it's not fair, but she's simply trying to sort out her life. She's simply preparing to maybe mourn a father she just found in some ways. Stan is dying, and she never expected it to mean what it does now. She never expected that visit to Ohio to change everything, and if he dies, a part of her wishes that it hadn't changed a thing, because maybe this would be easier.

And as Santana worked, and worked, and made as many connections with Brittany as she could wherever she was in the world, awards season approached, and Santana was invited to so many Grammy after parties. She would try and pass through a few, but she accepted one invitation in particular and was happy that she was not only invited but was also invited to perform, because her wheels were spinning again. Her label was also having a Grammy after party, and Santana was trying to figure out if she would be able to make them both work, because the label wanted her to perform at their party as well, and it was more of a requirement than a request.

But that's work, and Santana still has a personal life she's trying to maintain, but it feels like it's getting harder. Santana is not oblivious, as she lay in bed one night with Brittany in yet another hotel as Brittany joined her on the road.

"Britt, I know something is going on with you doll, and you promised you wouldn't hold out on me."

"I'm not holding out Santana, I'm working things out on my own."

"You have every right to do that Britt. Just please let me be supportive. Please let me be a good partner to you."

"You are Santana, I promise."

Santana sighed. "This is hard Britt. It's getting harder. I'm getting to that point that Camille reached, where your star is shining so bright you have to be careful that it doesn't blind you...or burn you."

"What are you saying Santana?"

"I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a snow princess or start screwing random people at parties. I'm not saying I'm going to crack at all. I'm saying I see what she dealt with from the inside out now. I see what she was trying to articulate to me but couldn't find the words. The words may be too horrible."

"What's happening, Santana?"

"This isn't about me Brittany. I can handle it, can handle it all. I'm older and made my mistakes in life and I won't be making the mistakes that Camille made. I'm telling you what you don't see so that hopefully you can tell me what I don't see in your world. I don't want you worrying, but I know that you will, but I'm telling you anyway and telling you that I've got it. I'm worrying Britt because I know you're hiding things from me, and it makes me feel like I don't know you anymore. It makes me feel like I'm not as close to you. It's fucking with our bond, doll..."

"What do you mean? What's this really about Santana?"

"I'm telling you what it's really about!" Santana snapped angrily, getting out of bed. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry doll, didn't mean to yell, but I feel like everybody around me is hiding shit, and I feel like you're at the root of that."

"You're blaming me for how everyone is communicating with you?"

"Yes and no," Santana sighed. "Listen, I may not know a lot of people in this world, but there's nobody I know better than Nani. I know she's in love and in her love bubble and that's sweet, but I also feel like she's trying to stay away so that she doesn't betray either of us. She either knows something or suspects something, and she doesn't want to be involved because she doesn't want she and I to have a hard time again. Maybe that has something to do with you and maybe not, but if you know what I'm talking about please know that it's affecting more than just you and me. You're taking a chance on more than just you and me."

"Maybe I should just move back home. This is starting to feel like you just want to have eyes on me, like you're trying to put me in a cage..." Brittany said and instantly regretted it.

"Is that what you really think? Okay then, I mean if that's what you want I won't fight you. Your apartment is still there and I'll make sure someone comes to help you move back home tomorrow if you want. I don't keep tabs on my women Brittany, not like that. Please don't accuse me of that, it's fucking insulting. I'm not some insecure little girl ."

"I'm sorry," Brittany sighed. She took a deep breath. She knew Santana was right. "I know you're not trying to put me in a cage." Brittany sat up and got out of bed. She went and wrapped her arms around Santana. "I'm so sorry honey."

"What's going on Britt?'

"Stan's dying," Brittany said, tears springing into her eyes.

"He's getting worse?" Santana asked sadly, all of her anger slipping away.

"Stage four now. It's spreading," Brittany said, and a tear fell from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry baby," Santana said, and she held Brittany as she finally broke. After a few minutes Santana spoke.

"Britt, I don't care what his treatments cost, if there's something better for him out there than what his insurance will pay for I've got it, doll. I've got it, okay?"

Santana expected a fight, but Brittany wanted Stan to live more than she wanted to be proud.

"Okay"

"Is there something out there that can help him?"

"I don't know Santana, but I'm going to find out. I've already been looking. I'd spend whatever I have to help him."

"Don't worry about that, Britt. Just tell me what you need, and I'll write the check."

"I don't like asking..."

"You didn't ask, I offered."

"I didn't mean what I said, Santana, and I'm sorry if I'm making things weird for Nani."

"Forget you ever said it doll, I know where it came from now and it's okay. As for Nani maybe this has nothing to do with you, she's already weird..."

Brittany laughed.

"I'll talk to her," Santana said.

"No, please let me."

"Okay."

"Santana, how about you, are you okay?"

"Yeah Britt but can I be honest with you?"

"Of course you can."

"Sue asked me to do a hospital visit for a fan, a kid..."

"Okay," Brittany said cautiously.

"You know what that means, right? The kid is probably terminally ill."

"I figured that may be the case."

"She's only 13..." Santana sighed. "She's dying and she hasn't even had a chance to truly live".

"Just put a smile on her face, Santana." Brittany said, rubbing her back.

"Some organization reached out to Sue and of course I said yes, whatever I can do. I wanted you to come out here because I wanted you to be with me afterwards. I don't want you to come. I know what you're going through with Stan even if I didn't know that things had gotten worse and I wasn't going to subject you to a ward full of sick kids. But it's got me feeling heartbroken inside and you bring me joy, and so I thought if you were there afterwards I could just melt into you and put it in the back of my mind and not even mention to you what I was doing today. Some kid Britt, some kid has who knows how many days left on this earth and she thinks I'm special enough for her to want to spend time with me. I'm just a regular girl from Hell's Kitchen, Britt. I can't make it better..."

Santana had tears in her eyes. Brittany took her by the hands and brought them to her lips.

"She knows you can't make her health better Santana, she just wants a moment of joy, and maybe that will make her heart feel better for just a little while. No pressure. Just put on your brave face and give her a moment of joy. That will make it better for a simple moment, maybe even for enough moments to carry her into her next journey."

A tear fell from Santana's eyes.

"You have such a big heart honey, such a big and beautiful heart, but you can't carry the weight of the world. You can't carry it for Stan, or for Camille, or for this kid or for me Santana. I'm sorry I kept things from you but I hide things because this is what you do. You try and make it better, and sometimes all you have to do is be there if someone reaches out and understand that you don't have to try and fix it, that all is required is your presence, and sometimes not even in person. I'll reach out for you honey, when I need you, I promise, if you can learn to try not to always try to make it better, because sometimes you just can't and watching you try hurts. I'll reach out to you San..."

"But you didn't Britt. You wanted better treatment for Stan..."

"And I was looking Santana, and if I'd found it and couldn't afford it I would have asked you no matter how hard it would have been because he's my dad..."

All of a sudden it hit Santana.

"Wait, is this why you haven't reached out to your dad yet?"

"Yes. Stan has always been my dad. I know that now. The wedge my mother kept in place for us made that relationship awkward, but as I think back we did the best we could, and he was always kind to me. The way he showed up in Los Angeles as sick as he was. The way he would have kept his word and been there on the opening night of your tour or in New York but Melissa informed me and I asked him to please stay home. He has a 24 hour nurse now, Melissa and I have a guy come for the morning shift and another guy come in for the evening shift and I still send him food at least once a month. I don't want him overdoing it."

Santana took Brittany's hand and took her back to bed. They talked a little more about the specifics of Stan's health before Brittany was reminded of how Santana had begun the conversation.

"Santana, what did you mean that you understand Camille better now?"

"There's a lot of drugs in this business Britt, at a lot of these parties we're required to make appearances at. There's a lot of people who want to have sex with you and who will try in some nefarious ways."

"Did something happen to you, Santana?" Brittany asked, scared.

"No Britt, no it didn't. I'm careful, and Sue attends these parties with me, and now I understand more than ever why she always makes herself available for things like that. I've just seen some things, heard some disturbing things, and I see how this business can turn someone out. I see how it turned Camille out and the things I know now that I don't even want to know, Britt."

"What do you know?"

"I know if you're ever at a party don't ever put your drink down. Don't accept a drink if you don't know where it came from or trust that the person handing it to you would not be diligent in knowing where that drink came from and that it hasn't been tampered with. Sure, I knew that already, but it's on another level in this business. I know this business makes me paranoid, which is crazy, because I've always been paranoid and this just makes me borderline crazy at this point."

"What happened?"

Santana sighed, "Some of what happened to Camille, it could be classified as rape, even if it's so murky it could never be proven as such. I know that I've been around people who have offered me party favors, or have tried to get me drunk, or who have tried to fuck me...men and women. I see why Camille's innocence disappeared so quickly, because they're hyenas Britt. It's filthy behind the scenes, and so many artists have so many scummy people around them and they make it into the inner circles, they make it into the parties and sometimes the studio, and it's hard Britt. It's hard to have eyes in the back of your head. I'm not worried about temptation, I'm worried about all of the people who see me as fresh meat and will keep trying. It's why Sue says it's just her and I for now, because she won't let anyone get close, and she knows I'm smart enough to help her keep that goal."

"I'm sorry Santana..."

"Helping Camille write, she has a lot of demons..."

"Maybe this isn't good for you Santana..."

"It's not bad, either, Britt. I hear the stories, I see the signs, but to see it...to truly see the underbelly of this life, it's validation that my paranoia isn't unwarranted. It's validation to be cautious. To be cautious not only in the beginning, but throughout my career. You look at recent events in the news, and all aspects of the business has predators...high profile predators in plain sight. Then I was reading a story in Eve's book...the rapper...where she said Missy Elliott and Janet Jackson saved her after her drink was spiked at a party. She said Janet knew exactly what to do, and you have to wonder if she knew exactly what to do because she had prepared herself after this has happened to too many people around her, or because she grew up in the business and heard stories. What kind of world am I a part of when people have to show up to parties to network and yet those parties are fucking cesspools beneath the surface?"

"Is that why you haven't asked me to fly out for any of these parties lately?"

"Yes, but I'm also respecting that you have a life and have to work and everything doesn't revolve around me."

"Are they all like that Santana?"

"No, not from what I've seen. As you know I only go when I must and for however long I'm required to be there, but Sue and I are on the same page. When things look sketch we pretty much make our exits no matter what networking opportunities are around. The cool thing is Sue says that if I keep killing it like I am they'll have to come to me to network. You know I show up and I wear Road Rulers whenever possible and I promote the bikes and the clothes and the makeup and I'm a walking, talking fucking billboard and it's kinda scary sometimes Britt. It's scary to always have to look over your shoulder. It's scary when the clothes you choose to wear on your back and how well your look means the difference in how much of a bonus you'll be able to give the people who work for you at the end of the year so that they can provide for their families, or if you'll be able to keep your entire staff if the money slows down before I've made enough to sustain everything."

"As your forensic accountant I can assure you Santana with the way you make money versus the way you spend it as well as the investments you've made that your staff will be fine. Is that why you don't spend any money?"

"No Britt, I really just haven't had the time. I want to do things for my family. I want to do things for you and my friends. I want to see the world and not just in passing as I work but my career is just beginning. I just haven't had the time. Still, I had the time to get Sue and Will to get in touch with the right people to help me get this Tainted Angel merchandising together. I have some designs to run past headquarters and hopefully soon we'll be able to produce everything. They won't have to put any money up front and 25 percent of the profits will handle the operating costs. 25 percent will actually go to the "Stronger than Shame" foundation, and the remaining 50 percent will go to the Angels charity fund. I was thinking of giving them a much bigger cut but after talking to not only Sue and Will but the Angels at the New York chapter it was agreed that 50% was more than a fair offer and we'll share the record keeping from that aspect of my merchandise sales with Angels Headquarters. It will be a separate entity from everything else."

"Sounds like you have everything worked out."

"Yeah, there's some cool, sexy designs in the works that will support the club without stepping on the toes of actual members. By the way, headquarters said that they have so many people requesting to become prospects these days that they're going to have to really be even more diligent with choosing members."

"Wow, Santana you have so much going on right now but you're managing it all like a champ."

"Maybe I'll feel that way if you allow me to be there for you, because right now I really don't. Promise me we'll both do better, Britt."

"I promise Santana, and Santana, if you want me there tomorrow ..."

"No Britt, I just want you here when I return."

"Ok, I can do that for you."

"I love you Brittany."

"I love you too, Santana."

The next morning Santana was up early. Brittany was up before her, had ordered breakfast, and just wanted to be there for her. A part of her wanted to go and be there with her but Santana was right, she just didn't need to see anyone at the end of their life right now. Not that there's ever a good time, but this is one of the worst times. She'll simply be present, with the knowledge of what's really going on rather than the two of them hiding things from one another and trying to guess how to support each other.

Santana smiled when she saw that Brittany had awakened early to make sure that she was cared for. She made sure to really try and eat breakfast, because she notices how it's hard for her to keep her weight up these days. She doesn't want to start people worrying, but sometimes she worries herself. She eats, admittedly less than usual, but she's on the run so much she's just not keeping weight on, and she's a naturally thin person as it is. And so she will try hard, and she will try even harder when Brittany puts her time and love into it.

After breakfast Santana readied herself for the day, and she called Sue to make sure that she had all of the items that she had asked her to bring along. Just a gift bag filled with Road Ruler's items, a signed cd, photos, some tour merchandise, and some cosmetics from the line she represents. Just some lip gloss and things a 13 year old may like. She also asked her to bring along a bunch of Santana Lopez t shirts and other items for some of the other children in the hospital. On her way out the door she doesn't know why but she turned around and grabbed her guitar before leaving.

Santana was quiet on the way to the hospital, but Sue was talking and trying to mentally prepare Santana for the morning. Finally, Santana had enough.

"Sue, I appreciate you, trust me I do, but one more word and I'm going to snap."

"You can't go in there looking like you're going to a funeral."

"I realize that Sue, but while I'm here I can look how I feel like looking and feel how I feel like feeling. I'm not an idiot. Just let me clear my head and then I'll do this. I'm not going in there like an annoying ray of sunshine nor am I walking in carrying a sickle and wearing a black robe. I'm going to do my job and I'm going to spend some quality time with this kid. I'll let her set the tone, and I'll try and put a genuine smile on her face."

"I know this is hard, Santana, but it's part of the job."

"I know"

"You're not required to do this."

"This is not public relations, Sue. This is me wanting to give a kid the gift of my time. I remember watching Chadwick Boseman visiting kids with cancer and nobody knew that he was dealing with his own mortality at the time, and he gave those kids his time and his love and I thought that was beautiful of him. Now I'm in a position where a kid, or maybe a few kids, will be happy to see me today, and I'll spread as much joy as I can to them, because it's just human kindness, and if a dying man can do this with dignity I have no excuses not to be able to do the same. It'll be okay."

"Is that why you brought your guitar?"

"It is"

"So we're singing, too?'

"Not you, just me," Santana snarked. "If some of the kids find comfort in that. I've sung for kids in a hospital before. Sung for autistic kids in Nani's class, just never had an upfront and personal visit with a kid who requested my presence as one of their final wishes. Now please Sue, we'll be there any minute. Just let me have a little time to center myself, I'd really appreciate it."

Santana sat back in the seat and closed her eyes. After a while she opened them and she watched the world go by and tried not to think too hard about the conditions of the kids she was going to meet. She couldn't help but to think back to when she was 13, just starting to dream about being on stage, starting to think about boys...while trying not to think about girls...and discovering what she didn't quite understand, and what she wasn't ready to accept. 13... at 13 her biggest worry was Wolf. She thought she had problems.

Now she knows that she had no idea what a real problem was.

When the car pulled up to the hospital she didn't just exit. She had to wait and get greeted by this group of people who would lead her into the hospital and talk to her all about what this means for the kids and yadda yadda yadda and it was nice and Santana was humble but she just wanted to see the kid. Time felt precious, more precious than ever, and she just wanted to spend this time she set aside with the person who had taken the time to write her and ask her to visit.

Finally, Santana was walked through the hospital where she greeted people along the way, although the staff was likely warned not to stop her because while some looked like they would like to speak to her none did more than give a wide grin and said hello.

Once Santana and the group left the elevator they walked the long hall towards the room. As she walked some of the older kids tried to catch a glimpse as Santana walked by and some caught a look as she passed by the small play area but it was known who this visit was for, and Santana would be sure to carve out enough time to greet all of the children on the floor. When she reached the room there was a small girl who looked much smaller than Santana imagined, and her parents were standing at the side of the bed. Everyone stepped back as Santana tapped lightly on the door and was greeted by the most beautiful smile and Santana smiled in return.

"Santana!" the young girl said, struggling to sit up in her bed. Her father helped her as her mother adjusted the bed, raising the back.

"Hi, you must be Chrissy," Santana said with a smile. "May I come in?"

"Sure," the girl said excitedly, straightening herself up in her bed.

"Thank you for coming, I'm Sean, and this is my wife Vanessa."

Santana came in and shook the couple's hands.

"Thanks for having me." Santana handed Chrissy the gift bag. "I brought you a couple of things," Santana said and Chrissy smiled brightly.

"Thank you," the girl said as she rifled through the bag. "Mom look!" she said excitedy as she pulled her new Santana Lopez t shirt out the bag. Santana couldn't help but smile at the enthusiasm.

"It looks like it will fit you."

"It's just my size," the girl said, which Santana's team knew because the hospital had told them. "I saw you in concert on the first night of your tour. That's where I got this one," the girl said, pulling her covers back so that Santana could see the t shirt that she was wearing. "I flew out with my parents."

"Nice shirt.. Glad you could make it out, I'm honored that you traveled so far to see me. .I hope you enjoyed the show." Santana smiled.

"It was the best. I wish it went on forever."

Santana chuckled. "Glad you enjoyed it."

"I saw you on the BET Awards too it was so good! I couldn't believe it when Usher came out. My mom told me to stop screaming in her house like that somebody was going to think they were killing me in there." Santana chuckled at the admission. "I watch all of your videos online. I even saw the video of you riding your motorcycle."

"Oh boy," Santana said with a mischievous grin. "Let's try and forget that one, shall we."

"It was so cool! How did you learn to ride like that?"

"The hard way," Santana said with a wink. "I wore a lot of protective gear, I trained on a track, and I fell...a lot. It hurt, but I got back up and tried it until I got it right. Now that I'm older and smarter I don't ride like that anymore. I keep both wheels on the ground and guess what, it's just as much fun."

"Okay," the girl said and then got a little quiet...almost shy all of a sudden. "Ummm mom..."

"Yes, umm Chrissy was kind of hoping that she could speak to Santana alone for a while."

Santana looked around the room, "that would be okay with me," Santana said.

This was not how it was usually done. The mental health of the child was always first and foremost, so they liked to have a buffer there just to make sure nothing too deep was discussed that might upset the child. Still, the parents had approved this obviously and Santana had agreed, and so all the administrators could do was to grant this child her wish.

Everybody slowly left the room and Santana took a seat at the side of the girls bed. She had her hand on the bedrail and the girl kept looking at it and Santana could just tell the girl wanted to take her hand, and so Santana covered the small hand with her own.

"What's going on Chrissy?"

"My favorite song is "Stronger than Shame". It used to be "Don't leave your girl around me" but I listen to your cd all of the time. I don't skip a single song. I bought the cd just so I could have "Don't leave your girl around me", and also for the cover art. I have so many pictures of you on my wall and I bought two t shirts and a hoodie at your concert. You look really pretty in those pictures. I think you're really pretty." the girl blushed.

Santana smiled, "I think you're pretty too, doll."

The girl sighed. "I know why you wrote 'Stronger than Shame'. I saw your interviews where you talk about your girlfriend, and then I saw your girlfriend Brittany's interview. She's really pretty too by the way."

"Thank you. I'll tell her that you said so."

The girl beamed, and then got shy all of a sudden again.

"You can say what's on your mind, doll. I'll keep it between us."

"I like girls too." the girl said shyly and Santana squeezed her hand. "I'm pretty sure I do, but how do you really know?"

Santana had a feeling that this was where things were going. Her mind flashed to when Camille asked her the same question. She didn't have an answer for her either. This is just something people have to sort out for themselves.

"Time always tells the truth."

"I don't have a lot of time."

"I understand doll, but that doesn't mean the answers come any faster." Santana answered sadly. "Listen, sometimes who we are at 13 aren't who we are if we're lucky enough to live to 23 or however long we live. You, you just have to be happy with who you are and what you feel right now, and every day we'll pray together that you live long enough to answer that question. I promise you Chrissy, that every day I'll pray for you ...every single day. But today, today who you are is all that really matters. Who are you today, Chrissy?"

"Girls make me feel warm inside. When I hear you sing, I think of girls..."

Santana smiled encouragingly and squeezed her hand, "Do you think of a particular girl?"

Chrissy blushed, "Nobody that I really know," she answered coyly.

"That's okay. I promise you that you'll figure it all out," Santana said, not pushing, but she had an idea that she may hang the girl that she likes posters on her wall. "You know what I think? I think a lot of people your age start to wonder who they are and who they like, and it's okay if in the end they turn out not to be who they thought they might be. Your heart will guide your steps in the end, and you need not be in a hurry to label yourself. You never have to label yourself." Santana smiled at the girl. "Is that why 'Stronger than Shame' is your favorite song right now?" Santana asked.

"I love that song. I've had cancer since was 7. Sometimes the treatments took my hair out and I would wear a wig. Little kids didn't know why my hair was so thin and patchy or why I would finally shave it all off. They didn't know why I was sick. Some would say I was an alien, or that they didn't want to catch cancer from me. My mom and dad tried different schools with me, but the more often I got sick the more days I missed. Then my immune system was weak and the treatments made me nauseous and so I started going to online school except when I was in the hospital and they have hospital school which sucks because you have to do work and be sick, that should be child cruelty or something." The girl rolled her eyes and Santana laughed before the girl continued.

"I used to be ashamed, I would even wear a wig to online school even though there were other sick kids there. But I listened to 'Stronger than Shame' and I heard your story and all of the stories on your site. I listen to the stories every week. People can be so mean. And I played the song at my cancer support group and I took off my wig and I never put it on again. Cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. Fighting to live and crying because you won't is nothing to be ashamed of. I almost wore my wig today because I wanted to look pretty but I could look pretty with no hair too, or a head scarf or a bow or a nice hat. But I thought you would be proud of me if I just wore my hair just as it is and so I did. I only had them take the IV out so I could put on my Santana Lopez t shirt. This is my favorite one. I wanted to ask you to sign it for me. If I don't make it I asked them to bury me in it but I know my mom is gonna put me in a dress and I'm gonna hate wearing a dress for eternity," the girl rolled her eyes and Santana was thankful for that because it made her laugh when all she wanted to do was cry.

"You're beautiful, so beautiful just as you are, and you must understand how I think because you're right, I'm so proud of you and so proud that my music helps you. Your strength makes you beautiful, Chrissy. Your vulnerability makes you beautiful. I'm not just saying that. I used to model in an art class..."

"I know," the girl said cheerfully. "That's how you met Brittany," she said.

"Yes, yes it is," It never ceased to amaze Santana the little things in her life that the fans were aware of. "Some of the models were also cancer patients, or burn victims, or missing a limb. They were all beautiful enough to paint just as they were. Their scars, their battle wounds, made them beautiful. I'm sure they went through what you went through with ignorant people, just like I did when I had an eating disorder and was nothing more than skin and bones. But there is beauty to be found in anyone, it's when they find it in themselves that it shines that much more brightly. You're beautiful Chrissy, and I'm glad you let me see you in your natural beauty."

The girl smiled, such an innocent smile, like Santana was affirming everything she thought about her world.

"I knew you would get it. I don't think my parents do sometimes. My mom cries a lot but I'm not afraid to die. I used to be, but I know a lot of people here who have died. My best friend died. Some nights I dream about her and she tells me to stop fighting it's not worth it, but my parents want all of the time they can get and I also remember in your interviews you said that you fought to live because you knew it just wasn't your time to die yet. Some days I know it's the pain talking or the frustration but it's really not time. Some days I don't know until I wake up the next day. But whatever happens I'm not afraid. I went to your concert and I met you now and next I want to dance with a girl at my prom to all of your songs. I've danced with a girl before. I even kissed one, with my mouth closed. My best friend, Lisa, she died right before I went to your concert. That's why my parents took me, to cheer me up. I don't think she liked girls, and I didn't like her like a girlfriend, but when she told me she doesn't think she'll ever get to kiss a boy and I asked Tommy Harris if he wanted to kiss her and so he went to her room and I watched the door while they kissed. She said it was okay but it tasted like chemotherapy. Then we laughed and I said I'll probably never kiss a girl and she told me to kiss her so I did but we said we'll keep our mouths closed because it didn't work out so well with Tommy. It was nice, soft, but she was just my friend."

"I get it, but it was really nice of her to kiss you."

"She was a really nice person." Chrissy said a little sadly.

"Well then I'm glad you had one another for the time the universe allowed." Santana said.

"Yeah." Chrissy was lost in thought for a moment. "Santana?"

"Yes?"

"I told my parents that I like girls, and I don't know if I ever would have told them if not for 'Stronger than Shame."

Santana smiled softly at the girl. "Good for you, doll."

"They didn't get mad or anything. They were kind of cool about it."

"They seem kind of cool. I'm glad that they support your decisions."

"I just wanted to meet you and let you know. You're the only person I've told besides Lisa and my parents and my therapist. I just wanted the people who are important to me to know before anything happened to me, and you're important in my life. Your music is important to me. Like it's the best. 'Deeper than I love yous' was playing when I had my first kiss. Lisa and I danced to it and then she kissed me. She died 19 days after that. She had just turned 14 exactly one week before."

Santana felt a deep sadness inside.

"She would freak out if she knew that I met you. I talked to her about you all of the time. Like how brave you are and how nice you are and like everything about you. I just wanted to let you know."

"Thank you for that," Santana said. "I appreciate you. People like you are the reason I do this and I'm not just saying that. I want my music to mean something so thank you for taking the time to let me know that it does."

"Thank you for coming. I know why you're here. Some of the younger kids, they don't know what it means when their wishes get granted. It means that they don't think there's anything left for them to do sometimes, but not all of the time. A lot of people don't know that a lot of us do survive, at least for a few years. Miracles happen, and they bounce back and maybe they live to be old but maybe not. Still, I'm going to keep fighting. I'm pretty sick right now, but I almost died when I was 10, and 3 years later here I am. But between me and you, I wouldn't want to live 3 more years just to keep being sick every couple of weeks. I'd just rather see what Lisa was up to. I'd rather they just put on my Santana Lopez cd and I'll just float on your voice all the way to heaven. But if you can pray for me like you said, but not only pray that I live but that I don't feel so sick anymore that would be really nice. I know I'm not supposed to tell people how to pray, but I think you get me. I believe that prayer can work sometimes, because I'm still here, but I want more than to just still be here. I have a best friend on the other side now and dying just isn't that scary anymore. If I said that to my parents they would think I'm ready to give up and I'm not, but they always fear that I'm ready to give up. Sometimes that works out for me. It got them to fly me all the way to Houston for your first show." Chrissy smiled cheekily and Santana laughed.

"Glad that worked out for you and yeah doll, I'm praying for you to live so that you can actually live life the way you want to. I'm glad that you realize that getting your wish doesn't mean that they think you're not going to make it, and I'll tell you what, I'll make a promise just between me and you."

Chrissy's eyes sparkled and she looked excited, "What Santana?"

"You went through a lot of trouble to see me when I opened in Houston. When I begin my own tour I'll get you VIP tickets for you and your parents at whatever stop you want to see me on, and if you happen to meet that special girl by then invite her along, I'll make sure you can show off and bring her backstage after the show. And since I'll be headlining it will be at least twice as long for you to hopefully enjoy."

Chrissy looked like she wanted to lose her mind.

"Oh my gosh Santana that would be the best!"

"So we keep this between us and when my tour dates are announced I'll have my people reach out to you, okay?"

"Okay Santana," Chrissy smiled.

"Great. Well, should we meet in the rec room and maybe sing a song or two? I wanted to say hello to the other patients and then I have to go, but I really thank you for asking me here. It means a lot to me."

"Thank you for coming. Santana, can you sing 'Stronger than Shame'?"

"Sure, I don't have a piano but I brought my guitar so you'll get a special version that nobody has ever heard before how about that?"

"Sounds exciting."

"And I'll sing another song or two, and it doesn't have to be a Santana Lopez song," Santana smiled.

"I won't hog you for myself, but if they have any taste at all it'll be a Santana Lopez song" Chrissy said and Santana laughed.

Santana stayed a while longer. She visited rooms and then she went to the rec room where she sang "Stronger" for Chrissy before she took some requests, singing everything from "the wheels on the bus" for the younger kids to finishing with "Deeper" with everyone joining in to sing Camille's part. Then finally Sue gave her that look because they had been there maybe 90 minutes longer than they intended to be and Santana wrapped it up and she and Sue headed for their car.

"You did good, Santana."

"Thanks. It was nice to be able to do that for them."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good."

"What did the kid want to speak to you about alone?"

"Nothing was said that you have to worry about."

"Santana..."

"She talked about her dreams..."

"Santana..."

"I'm not disclosing to anyone what that kid wanted to talk to me alone about. If she wanted you to know she would have asked you to stay. I know you're worried if I stayed within the rules and sure, for the most part I did. I did offer her tickets to my first tour..."

"Santana..."

"Yeah, I know, no promises for the future...but they're some fucking tour tickets, Sue. It gives the kid something to look forward to and that's not a bad thing no matter what someone else may think. I asked her to keep it between us but she's a kid so if she tells everybody I still don't give a shit. If I can give the kid something to be excited about in the future then so be it." Santana said defiantly.

"A future she may never see..."

"And then it won't matter. It was a harmless promise."

"I not only said that to protect her, I said it to protect you too. You're going to take it hard if this kid dies."

"I will, but I'll survive it Sue. Don't coddle me."

"It's not just you, it's advised for anyone who deals with these sorts of requests. Get in, get out, try and forget about it. You can't get personally involved, can't start paying medical bills and donating organs. Just a special meet and greet, that's it."

"I'll never take it too far Sue. I understand the temptation. It was some tickets, okay. 3 or 4 tickets. Didn't promise airfare or accommodations or anything but some tickets at any stop that works for them, but if they come I'm paying for everything just to let you know so we can just argue now if we have to. I get it, and I appreciate you, and I won't make it a habit okay?"

"Okay Santana"

Santana was glad to have Brittany back at the room, and once she got back to the room Brittany was waiting to see what sort of mood Santana was in. Thankfully, she was in a much better state than she anticipated.

"Hey baby."

"Hey doll"

"How did it go?"

"Sorry it took so long. Didn't want to leave them."

"So you hung out with the entire ward?" Brittany smiled.

"Pretty much," Santana smiled. "I spent most of my time with Chrissy, though. She's an amazing girl, and she told me to tell you that you're pretty."

"Awwwww, amazing and great taste." Brittany said and Santana smiled.

"Yeah, she was at my Houston show, she came after her best friend died. Britt, the girl is so brave, and after a few minutes she asked to speak to me alone and she told me that she thinks she's gay."

"Awwwwwww,"

"Yeah, her parents already know, and her therapist, and her friend who died..."

"Her friend...was that her girlfriend?" Brittany asked sadly.

"Oh thank goodness no, I don't know if I could have taken that story getting any sadder, but they were really good friends. They knew Lisa's...her friend's...time was running out, and so Chrissy arranged for another patient to give her a first kiss, and in return Lisa danced with Chrissy to 'Deeper' and they shared Chrissy's first kiss."

"Oh my goodness that's the sweetest most heart wrenching thing I've ever heard."

"No tongue," Santana said laughing. "Apparently that didn't go too well with Lisa and her first kiss. She said he tasted like chemotherapy."

"Awwwww no," Brittany said sadly. "Stan complains about that metallic taste sometimes as well."

"Yeah, as you know chemo messes with your taste buds so I'm sure they know it wasn't the poor guy's fault. Still, I really hope Chrissy gets to find a girl and have that first dance and kiss. I invited her to see me on tour and if she brings a date I'm going to make sure she impresses the hell out of her with all of the VIP treatment. Lord knows she'll probably do better than I did with my first date. I was nothing but a bunch of nerves in public that she would somehow expose to the entire world that I'm a big ol' lesbian by doing big ol' lesbian things publicly whatever the hell that means. Then when we were alone I tried to get her pregnant during that goodnight kiss. I really hope the tabloids never get a hold of her," Santana said shaking her head and Brittany laughed.

"It couldn't have been that bad."

"I only had the closet door slightly cracked open at that point, and yet I was a horny little puppy and needed to date because I needed to get laid. It was not the easiest time in my life," Santana shook her head and Brittany laughed.

"Awwwww, too cute. I love your baby gay stories."

"Well apparently I am queen of the baby gays now, ushering potential members out of the closet with my melodic voice. First Camille and now this kid...Aye Dios Mio. Wolf is gonna disown me again."

Brittany laughed, "Well I'm glad you're not completely bummed out."

"Not gonna lie Britt, it's hard seeing all of those sick kids and hearing the stories of the friends that they lost so young, but you almost have to smile because they are the most positive people in the world. They accept that they might die, but they love that they're living now, even with all of their pain they are trying to live, and so I won't count them out with my negative thoughts. Chrissy reminded me that a lot of them make it, that she's made it since she was 7, and so I'm leaning into my faith and praying. I'm praying for those kids and I'm praying for Stan. I'm praying for everyone fighting the good fight. I don't get to come home and feel sorry for them because they don't feel sorry for themselves. Nobody died today, and I got to make them smile and forget for a while. It's a good day."

"You're amazing Santana, you know that don't you?"

"Those kids are amazing."

"Both things can be true."

"Britt, this kid, the way 'Stronger than Shame' touched her life, I just can't believe it. The way it's not only about our mistakes, but about anything we can be judged for, it's amazing. She said she stopped wearing a wig because of 'Stronger Than Shame'. She came out to her parents because of that song. She met me without her wig, her idol that maybe she has a tiny crush on and she knew that I would understand her because of that song and I do Britt, I understand her. Britt this song, this song may be my defining moment as an artist. This song may be why I was blessed with the gift of music."

"Santana, if you're going where I think you're going...don't"

"I have all of this visibility now, and so many causes that are close to my heart, and I put all of my energy into 'Stronger than Shame'. I should be donating my time to other things that are close to my heart. I don't do anything to truly support the LGBTQIA community that supports me. I battled an eating disorder. Stan is battling cancer, both of my grandfathers died of cancer, and I'm not putting my money or time into these causes. My grandmother was an activist, she raised me to be involved...to be a voice. One song that helps people is just a start. I should be doing more."

"Santana, you've got to give yourself a break. I knew that you were too calm. Those kids got to you, and that's understandable, but you're doing enough right now. 'Stronger than Shame' is an amazing resource for an underserved community. You're single handedly going to bring so much money to the Tainted Angels community service fund with those t shirt sales and they're not required to put in any manpower or capital. You have my back financially with Stan. You're helping Camille. You're working like crazy to help your friends however you can and to support Holly's. You can spend your life trying to change the world and when your life is over there will still be a million things left undone. Relax."

Santana all of a sudden had tears falling from her eyes. Brittany went and held her.

"They're so young Britt. Her friend died a week after turning 14. At 14 I had just learned how to dream realistic dreams and her life was already over. Now Chrissy is fighting...fighting to live long enough to have her first real kiss, and I was letting myself die on purpose. Where the hell was my gratitude? We take so much for granted, Britt."

"You're human Santana. Welcome to the club. You punished yourself but you didn't die. You chose life because you understood it was precious. You have gratitude, you show it every day. It's not right, kids dying. So many experiences they miss out on. But before they die they live Santana, and this kid has already lived long enough to impact you and I'm sure others as well. So cry Santana, let it out, but don't take it out on yourself because there's nothing you can do about it."

Santana let the tears fall gently. It was hard, but she would do it again. She will do it again. It just hurt, hurt to hear about kids trying to squeeze all of their life into their final moments. First kisses with people who don't make their hearts flutter. A necessity, because you just do it or you may never get to. Little kids with tubes in their noses singing "the wheels on the bus". Older kids, just at the verge of adulthood, who never had a childhood and for whom age may just be a number because they spent too much of their short lives in hospital beds. Chrissy saying that she wants to be buried in her Santana Lopez t shirt, as if she will give her comfort into the afterlife. All she can do is sing. All of this money and it can't save those kids, but her time made it better just for a few minutes, and she wishes she had more time to give. After a few moments of gentle tears falling she finally spoke.

"Thank you Brittany. Thank you for being here. Somehow I knew that I'd need you here after today."

"I'm honored Santana, and I also love you so much. That heart of yours is the biggest one I've ever seen, and you're so strong, to be able to hold it in your first time doing something like this. It will be hard every time, but I know that you're not the type who would deny another request if it should come. But you'll learn how to cope with it. You'll learn how to do it in a way that gives them comfort without stealing your peace. You'll learn that you can't be there for them every time and Santana, you'll learn to let them go, because if you keep in touch you'll know if and when they die, and you don't need to know that. You may really want to know, but you don't need to know."

"I know that's why Sue didn't want me making any promises."

"Probably"

"But I hope she gets to use them. I hope she takes a girl on a date who makes her feel warm inside and I hope she gets to kiss her at the end of the night and that it doesn't taste like chemotherapy."

"I hope so too, honey" Brittany said, allowing Santana to just lay in her arms a few moments longer.

Just before the Grammy awards the Oscar nominations were announced, and of course there was a big thing at Holly's waiting for the big announcement. Camille once again showed up, and Santana was excited, but conflicted. Sure, the awards mean a lot, but the label is creating the next big things with her and Camille, and this won't feel like her win, despite what she told Camille. That was a pep talk. She wants this, but she wants it to not be a technicality.
See that's the smoke and mirrors of this business. She and Camille had sung the song, and just like with "Hard lessons" they had made some minor changes, played with the arrangement, made it that much better, and gotten their "arrangement credit" off the top which worked out to be 2.5% each of a nominal fee and sure Santana remembers the whole "add a word get a third" thing her lawyer had told her but this felt like the label setting up this Oscar win for their two new Golden Girls. Maybe Santana didn't initially feel like that, but when the label said that they wanted to get both women into acting classes and yet again EGOT was being mentioned Santana's lightbulb came on. They needed to be credited on the record to get an actual statue, and this is what they had planned for Camille all along, and she was invited on the ride at the last minute. The song was written by songwriters signed specifically to the label, and she wonders if this is done often or if it helped add credibility to Camille and herself. Maybe that's why they were so eager to give her that credit on "Hard Lessons" although maybe not, because she wasn't signed with them at that time. She doesn't even know if Camille ever changed an actual word or added an ad lib to "Deeper", after all they didn't even record the song in the same city. Camille was a product, and Santana was an artist...those are the labels they had been given and Cal had pretty much been telling Santana this all along without actually speaking the words. But now Santana knows that she is a product, too, and while this Oscar will technically give her bragging rights she now wants to earn one the right way one day. It's only made her hungrier, but she won't tell anyone, not even Cal. She will play the game and be the product, even if deep down inside she knows she is better than this.

And so when the inevitable finally happened and she heard the voice "and the nominees for Best Original Song are...", it was the third nominee..."'Deeper than I love yous' from 'Confirmations of Love'", and the roar followed, the celebration and the realization when she looked at Cal...her own confirmation...this was done to get them on that stage. They get to perform in gowns, like two dolls, and she had been tasked with keeping Camille in line for this moment that had been planned even before Santana was label mates with Camille. She gets why Greg was insisting that this song was to be Camille's alone because maybe even Camille didn't know. The talent doesn't have to know. Just sing, sing those magical words and make the label even larger, more credible, so that the next wide eyed artist will see and sign their souls away if even for a while, for the chance to be the next Santana Lopez or Camille Nelson.

Don't get her wrong, Santana was excited, thrilled even, after all the performers should get an award in her opinion. If they don't sing the shit out of those words and bring them to life then people won't feel it. Most people don't recite poetry in the shower but set it to music and they will sing their heart out to those same poems.

But she gets it, this game she's now a part of. Those trophies that she didn't care about in the beginning, played right those trophies translate to access, and access translates to dollars. Those trophies elevate your worth in the business. "Grammy award winning artist Santana Lopez. Academy Award winning artist Santana Lopez. The little awards, they're cute, but those EGOT Awards get you opportunities, and opportunities translate into cold hard cash.

And now Santana sees even clearer, as 'Stronger' takes off, her baby, and she doesn't have complete control. She looks back on her deal, a great deal...better than most will ever dream of getting and a deal she only got because the label didn't believe in her the way that Cal did. Thank goodness, because if they had that deal would not have been so heavily in her favor. They didn't get her masters, but they do have licensing for a while, and they're going to milk 'Stronger' for all they can. Sure, she will get a handsome cut, but that's just money, as she tried to explain to Brittany that night after the little Oscar nomination celebration that had been thrown for her and Camille that evening.

"There has been interest in using "Stronger than Shame" in advertisements, in movies, and I don't have control over that Britt. I have majority ownership over any music I write and I get to retain my publishing rights. I own the copyrights of the master recordings of all of my original music. Britt that's unheard of. It's like hitting the Mega millions lottery, and they would have never given me that deal if they thought I was capable of writing a song like 'Stronger than shame" or even a song that took off the way that 'Girl' did. I'm worried about the licensing agreement and how much control that gives the label over how my music is used and for how long. Because I got such a good deal on the front end and this music blew up, I suspect they will try and milk it for all it's worth until my contract is renegotiated and the licensing agreement expires. I don't want the meaning of the song diluted. It's an important song, more important to me today than it even was yesterday. Kids are accepting themselves because of what this song tells them, they're living in their truths. I wrote it for me, and for you, and for people like us, but in the very beginning it was just for me, and it came to be for us, and then for everyone. I don't want to see it used to sell soft drinks or cat food or whatever ridiculous product offers them the most money. I want it handled with care, but I have very little if any say in that, honestly. Not until the licensing agreement expires. Britt, it was an amazing deal at the time. Fucking outstanding, but at the time 'Stronger' wasn't inspiring little girls to come out of the closet and take their wigs off. I'm being ridiculous. But I also don't want to change my name to a symbol in protest and write 'slave' across my face because the label has me by the short hairs. I mean...it's been done before by far bigger artists than me..." Santana sighed and Brittany nodded in understanding.

"Santana, you are the definition of an angsty artist. Again with the responsibility to the world. Classics have been pimped out to sell the most mundane of things but to those who need the message those songs still carry it. John Lennon didn't write 'Imagine' to sell cars and yet it's been in commercials but when I listen to that song it still holds real meaning to me. The girl I met was so carefree with music. It was a peaceful place. Your obsession with living up to your grandmother's vision of her granddaughters being compassionate contributors to justice and fairness and making the world a better place is going to steal your joy if you let it. This is not how she meant the lessons she taught you and Nani. Talk to Nani, and your aunt and mom. You all save the world in your own ways. Nani teaches kids that some people deem unteachable, and she does it with love and pride and it's enough. You never say that Nani is just a teacher. You speak about her work like it's the most noble thing in the world. You're noble too, Santana, and you don't have to save everyone to be a noble person."

And then Santana got it. It was true. She had spoken to her grandmother countless times about this dream, and her grandmother supported her, and she taught her that on a stage that size her voice would be even more powerful, and to never squander it. But she also told Nani the same thing, that her dreams to teach children held power, that her voice will remain with her students forever, and that she had the responsibility to help mold them into future adults who will change the world. She sent them both the same message, as one wanted to be a star and one wanted to be an educator, but Santana's visit to the hospital had changed her, and she has to get this under control.

"Santana, why have you been skipping therapy?"

"I've been busy Britt, overwhelmed, and I just want to relax with my free time."

"But shouldn't that be the reason why you show up? Being overwhelmed? You know she can't tell me so I'm going to ask you...how often do you go these days?"

"Maybe once a month," Santana answered honestly.

"Santana, we agreed on once a week. I'm not as busy as you but I'm busy as well but I make it my business to go once a week, even if I have to adjust the day or time. This was your idea. You advocated for therapy and you talk about how important it is and then you blow it off. As your girlfriend I'm going to have to insist you try, or I'm telling abuela," Brittany said and Santana looked at her and chuckled.

"She got to you, huh?"

"Yes, someone got to me. Everyone needs you to be okay, and that's why you need to go to therapy. Now I'm no expert, but I'm a woman whose entire family was let down at one point because some nude photos of me were floating around. Now this feels like I'm talking to a woman who made a mistake and has a video of her that she knows her family may have had some not so nice thoughts about, but because she has this really awesome family that would never judge her for that and speak it out loud she never admitted how much it meant to her to make them proud, to truly erase that shame she felt. And you've done it honey, like even Wolf is acting like a dad, or at least like a cool big brother," Brittany said and Santana chuckled. Everybody got to see you correct your mistake, except your grandmother. It feels like you're trying to save the world to make things up to her but she was always proud of you Santana. She never even mentioned to you that she knew about the video but I think it's time to talk to Nani."

"What?"

"We live together now, Santana. We talk."

"You talk about things like this?"

"We talk about lots of things, and maybe we've even touched on this, and how hard you are on yourself, and we both have insight into how this is playing out for you. Then Nani asked me to ask you when you've last been to therapy, and if you haven't been making the time to threaten you that I'm going to tell abuela."

Santana shook her head.

"Okay, I'll make the time, once a week. I don't know, you might be on to something. I've been thinking about visiting her grave lately, and you're welcome to come when I do. I haven't been in a long time. Maybe we'll go to church first. Mercedes still goes whenever she can so she will probably be there. Maybe I do need to come to some peace with her. Are you saying for sure that my grandmother knew everything?" Santana asked cautiously. She always suspected that she knew, she just loved her enough to pretend that she didn't.

"I can't answer that but you know who can? Nani."

"Okay," Santana said calmly.

"Okay. I love you Santana, and you're doing really good. Your grandmother would be as proud as everyone else is."

"I know Britt, deep inside I know."

"Good, so it's time to really forgive yourself, one hundred percent, okay?"

"Okay doll," Santana said, pulling Brittany into a hug.

And maybe Brittany and Nani are right, and maybe Santana also thought it was low key cool that they sit around the apartment and plot on her. Maybe her best cousin who is dating her best friend as they look after the best girlfriend she's ever had as she's busy trying to take over the music charts isn't a horrible thing.

Maybe it's kind of a dream.

So Santana will acknowledge that maybe her demons have been faced, but they aren't actually gone, and she needs therapy to help her continue to deal with them when they return. Maybe she has to learn that she made her amends to her grandmother when she made them to the rest of her family, even if her grandmother wasn't here for Santana to see the forgiveness in her eyes. Maybe she'll go to the church she grew up in, and the women who watched her and Nani and Mercedes sing in the choir will pull her in and hold her close and tell her that they are proud of her, and she will hear her grandmother's voice instead.

But time is speeding by these days, and before she knew it Grammy night was here. Santana had so many people that she wanted to be there, but nominees only get 2 tickets. They have the option of buying two additional tickets and so of course she did. As Santana struggled with who to invite something beautiful happened. Camille got her two tickets and then purchased two additional and gifted them to Santana, the only friend she believes she has.

So Santana ended up at the Grammys with the most important women in her life...Her mother, her aunt Gladys, Nani, her abuela and Brittany. And then Sue and Cal did their magic and they went after tickets like bloodhounds until Santana's entire family was able to get in. Wolf, Lexi, Nick and Gary were everyone's gift to Santana. It wasn't easy, and they weren't seated together, but they were all present for Santana's big moment, and they each vowed to be supportive of Camille as well, who surprisingly to some opted to bring her new manager Roz along instead of her mother.

While Santana's family was scattered throughout the venue they were all not too far away, and right beside her were Brittany, her mother and her abuela. Camille was seated in the same row separated by the aisle and next to her was Roz, but right next to Roz were Nani and Wolf with the tickets that Camille provided to them. They were close enough for Santana to be congratulated by them if she won. She was just happy to have them all in the same room.
And Holly, Sugar, Kurt, Rachel, Finn, Dave and Mercedes' mom and sister were in town, because Santana had invited anyone who could make it to the after party at the label because they were preparing to celebrate a big night for both Camille and Santana. Both were slated to perform at Grammy after parties, and Santana's mom had invited Mercedes' mom for a particular reason. Not only would her background singers be performing with her at the Grammys but they had been practicing for a special performance that Santana would be doing at the only other party beside the label's that she had accepted an invitation to. If this went well, all of those times Santana had Mercedes front and center promoting her would finally pay off and the best part is Mercedes doesn't even know. Nobody really knows what she's up to except Sue. She doesn't want Mercedes to be disappointed if it doesn't pan out.

Santana and Brittany walked the red carpet together, as Brittany stood back at times so that the cameras could capture Santana in her beautiful gown. Santana's stylist loves these moments, because so many people offer to dress the ladies and they have so many wonderful choices. For red carpets they often get offers to dress them both. Santana has lightened up and learned to trust that the woman would stay true to her sense of style, but she's also gotten her to be more versatile. She had seen some of Santana's costume choices when she performed at Holly's as she poured over old videos trying to get a sense of who she was before she became so reluctant to be styled. She already had a versatile style of dress, and she just discovered that if she would just be patient Santana would come around. Finally Santana admitted that it could be a lot, having people take over the way you dress and do your hair and makeup, and how you answer questions. She had to find her voice in it all. She was never rude, just cautious. Now, it's truly become a pleasure to work with her as she understands that she still has choices.

With nine nominations the cameras flashed with a frenzy, and Brittany wonders if her eyes will ever get used to this. She wonders what happens with stars with seizure disorders because this was a lot, even more than usual. Another thing Brittany didn't realize is that it was such a long night. Some awards are announced before the televised show, and since none of those were Santana's categories it was boring beyond tears. When one of Santana's categories, Songwriter of the year, finally came up Santana didn't allow herself to get excited. She tried to look honored and stoic and aloof but not bored and she may have even practiced in the mirror but she wasn't nervous because she knew she wouldn't win. When her name was announced the crowd responded quite well, especially the fans in the back of the venue, and Santana worked hard to keep a straight face, because she felt warm inside and just wanted to smile at the show of support.

"And the songwriter of the year award goes to..."

Not Santana Lopez.

Santana applauded politely. One song doesn't earn you this award and well, anyone close to her knows how she feels about the lyrical genius that is "Don't leave your girl around me." She was content with sitting there and waiting for her first Grammy win...now that she's experienced her first Grammy loss.
And then the next category came up almost 40 minutes later. She wants this one. She's been a loser for 40 minutes now and she doesn't like this feeling. She feels like a winner, and she hopes Brittany brought her cheerleading uniform.

"The nominees for best dance/pop recording" Santana waited as the names were read off one by one

"...Santana Lopez 'Don't leave your girl around me".

There it is. That damn song with the pedestrian lyrics and the fire beat. Only Beyonce really stands in her way with this one. It ruled the charts for weeks. She need not be hard on it. It did what music does, and so it is art, and sometimes beautiful asses moving in a club is all the art the world needs. If anybody knows that she does.

And as Santana's mind drifted there it was.

"...and the winner is...Santana Lopez, 'Don't leave your girl around me'!"

Santana looked at her mother and smiled. And she leaned in and hugged her first, because this woman loved her first. Then she leaned to her other side and hugged Brittany. When she rose to her feet so did everyone else in her group, and Santana took a moment to hug Beatriz. Once she stepped into the aisle Camille stood clapping in support and she stopped and hugged the girl, mainly because Nani and Wolf were on their feet clapping and Camille knew that she wanted to hug them too and so she made room. Then she looked into Wolf's eyes, handsome in his navy blue tuxedo and that's when she felt tears in her eyes, because this is the look she always craved from him. He pulled her into a hug and told her he loved her. Nani was next, and she pulled Santana in tight. Nani whispered "I love you Simon" in her ear and then she did what she always did to calm Santana's nerves. She spoke as her big cousin.

"Don't say anything stupid."

Santana chuckled and she felt the tension disappear. She had won her first Grammy. If she doesn't win another one tonight she has this one, and for that she is thankful.

Santana made her way to the stage, noticing how some were on their feet as she passed by, some reaching out and congratulating her, people she never really met but she knows them, of course she knows them, she's heard their voices, sung their songs, her entire life.

Then she reached the stage and she was handed the award and she looked at it, gleaming in the light, and she smiled, and she was beautiful.

"Thank you." she said and she waited for the applause to die down. "I'd love to be eloquent but I don't know if I can pull that off right now. I'm just filled with gratitude...gratitude to God, to my family, to my friends, to my label, to Brittany...the woman I love with my whole heart. Gratitude to Cal Thomas for believing in me and insuring I got a chance to sing on a stage where more people could hear my voice. Gratitude to the fans who support me. Gratitude to my manager Sue Sylvester and my agent Will Scheuster. Gratitude to my team who work so hard for me and gratitude to the people who run my foundation. Gratitude to my sisters in the Tainted Angels for their support. Gratitude to Holly and all of my friends down at Holly's, I wouldn't be here without your support as well. Thank you to my mother for all of the sacrifices you made for me, I love you, Thank you to my aunt Gladys and to the best cousin ever Nani. Thank you to mi abuela Beatriz, te amo mucho, and to my grandmother Virginia who I can no longer touch, but who touches me each and every day of my life. Thank you to my father Mateo, and to Gary, Nick, Lexi, Lance, Sugar, Mercedes, Quinn, Sam, Rachel, Finn, Kurt and Dave. I thank you all so very much for loving and inspiring me. Finally thank you to the Academy for this honor. You'll never know how much it means to me. Thank you."

Santana held her trophy high and everyone clapped as she made her way off stage and to her seat.

Once things settled down her mother just turned and looked at her, staring her in her eyes.

"You have been such a blessing in my life, Santana. Every day...do you hear me? I felt like that every day, even on the not so good days."

"Thank you mommy, and I never would have made it without you, and all you have given me."

Olivia squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek before turning their attention back to the stage.

After a few minutes wait Santana was hoping that Camille would win her first Grammy for best short form video but she didn't win the category. Still, Santana knew that she would go home with at least one. She was hoping for Camille to get at least one solo one, though. Santana has been secretly writing with her and she's just finding her confidence. Santana wants her to have a win that's not connected to her like "Deeper" would be.

She didn't have to wait long. It was only one performance later that the nominees were read for best pop solo performance, and only seconds later when the envelope was opened.

"...and the winner is...Camille Nelson 'Hard Lessons'".

Santana clapped loudly and smiled, and after Camille hugged Roz, Wolf and Nani each reached over to congratulate her. Brittany stood and clapped with Santana so that she could congratulate her. Brittany was slightly surprised when Camille pulled her in for a hug next, and Brittany whispered a congratulations in her ear. In that moment she felt sad for the girl even in the midst of all of this happiness, because this moment she had worked her entire short life for she didn't have her family there to celebrate with her. If was okay though, because Nani and Wolf and the rest of Santana's family clapped supportively for her, Liv and Beatriz each stood and took her hand and congratulated her, and it all made Camille feel full inside.

She truly was a beautiful girl, and so young, as she made her way to the stage. Her eyes shined brightly, clear, clean, substance free. Once on the stage she was handed her award and she looked at it like a mother holding her new born child. She kept her speech short and sweet, thanking her family, the label, Roz and her team, Cal and her friends. She looked at Santana and smiled her way as she said that. Then she thanked the academy and made her way off the stage.

It was only 15 minutes later, after yet another artist performance, that the nominees for best duo pop performance was announced, and then the moments the label had been waiting for...

..."and the Grammy goes to...Camille Nelson and Santana Lopez "Deeper than I love yous".

And there it was. The women looked at one another from across the aisle and then they smiled. Soon their entire group was on their feet, and each turned to hug the people in their row. Wolf and Nani shared hugs with Camille. Those around Santana are starting to see, to see the girl is becoming a friend and that she needs community. Like Lexi did. Like Brittany did, and when Santana witnessed it she knew that her grandmother was there and proud of her in that moment, because this love...this love for people...this is who she was.

Finally the two met in the middle and they hugged. After both groups briefly hugged the two made their way to the stage and the fans in the back of the crowd were going wild. Their peers clapped genuinely and once the two were handed their statues and the presenters stood back the ladies looked at one another as if to ask who should go first. Santana went to step back but Camille shook her head and Santana moved forward.

Santana had thanked everyone during her first acceptance speech and so she didn't want to be redundant. She took the time to thank some of the people from her team individually that she didn't thank in the first speech, and she took the time to thank Camille and say what an honor and pleasure it was to work with her, and how she's more honored to now call her a friend. Camille's heart fluttered the entire time.

And then she did the same, taking the lead from her new mentor, and she thanked her team before focusing in on Santana, thanking her for being a friend and inspiration and publicly hoping that they can work together again.

Afterwards the ladies prepared for their performance, which started with Santana singing "Girl". She looked hot, hair slightly askew...tight jeans, tight tee, authentically herself. She made her way through the song and about halfway through the song transitioned to Camille in a beautiful white dress singing "Away too long". Santana disappeared off stage and half way through she reappeared wearing an elegant black dress and the music transitioned to "Deeper than I love yous" and they both could see that this song was a crowd favorite. They finished the song to enthusiastic applause and then made their way off stage for the rest of the show.

Things moved quickly after that. Best new artist, well Santana took that one but Camille wasn't surprised. She actually felt that Santana deserved it and she was happy for her. Record of the year, well the women both lost and won this one because "Deeper" beat out "Stronger" and "Hard Lessons". Of course they would have loved the individual win but they weren't complaining.

Still, Santana wanted this next one, and she wanted it alone. "Deeper" was nominated here, but if "Stronger" wins Song of the year Santana doesn't know why she needs it, but it will feel like validation. A loss doesn't change what the song means to people, but this song...this song is the story of her life.

"...and the winner is, Santana Lopez, 'Stronger than Shame.'"

And Santana sat stunned, for just a moment, until she felt her mother jump to her feet and then she moved, up, and her mother held her, held her so tight, because she knows what that song is, and when she let her go it happened so fast. Brittany pulled her in for a hug and her abuela and Wolf and Nani were making their way over and Camille had jumped to her feet excitedly and it was a celebration and then it felt like more and more of the crowd rose to their feet as she made her way to the stage. She got there and she just looked, looked at this crowd, and she went to speak, but instead she cried.

And the crowd cheered her through it, and the momentary anger she felt at herself for being a pussy and crying in front of this crowd over a damn trophy dissipated, and she was handed a tissue by a presenter and she thanked them and quickly composed herself before she spoke.

"Thank you. Thank you so much." She said as the crowd continued to clap at first before sitting. "Music...music saved my life. It's always been there for the best and worst moments of my life. Since the moment I was born my grandmother, mom and aunt would sing so beautifully to my cousin and I and we learned early what music could be. I learned we all have our soundtracks. I have my soundtrack, and it's ever changing. No matter what I'm feeling inside I can find a song to relate to that moment. If I'm happy, sad, angry, defeated, victorious, vengeful, amorous...whatever I'm feeling I can find a song that can relate to me. But when I was most broken, it was music that taught me to build. I learned to play piano and guitar, I learned to write, and that's when I knew I could add to my soundtrack in my own words and hopefully people out there will relate...relate the way I related to the music the people made in this room and the way I relate to music that came long before us. I hope I can be a part of their soundtracks and they can feel like I felt...like somebody out there understands, that they survived these feelings. And so while I've been blessed to make it on this stage a few times tonight and hopefully have thanked everyone and I pray I haven't forgotten anyone...if I have please know that I love you and I was simply unprepared for these honors...I want to take this moment to thank the one thing I haven't verbally given thanks to tonight. I want to thank music. I want to thank music for being a lover when I didn't have one, for being a friend when I was too proud to admit I needed one, for being a hero when I found it hard to choose one, for filling the empty spaces when I couldn't recognize what needed to be held there. Thank you music...you're forever one of my greatest gifts and best friends. Thank you for all you've given me, and for all you've yet to give. I love you. Thank you" Santana said, bowing slightly towards the crowd before making her way off stage.

And before she knew it someone was telling her to wait offstage, because the final and biggest award of the night was about to be announced...album of the year. Santana stood backstage hopeful, internally, but strangely content. She had won. She had won the moment her mother bought Santana her first toy mic and watched gleefully as she and Nani put on concert after concert and then she zoned out as she remembered those beautiful memories. How Santana would keep singing, song after song, while Nani moved on to her dolls, nurturing them, guiding them, like she does her kids in school, like she does Santana, like she will do for her own children one day, maybe...hopefully with Lexi who needs a family of her own so desperately although she'll never admit it...not yet. Her origin story, from there to here, standing on bars filled with people that some people would consider scary, but they were family...her family. Leather and bikes and dirty words...beer and bonding and brotherhood...then sisterhood. The road. All she knew was that the road and music made her happy. They never let her down, and her parents...her mother's perfect love and her father's imperfect lessons...but still love. They gave her these things, these gifts, that brought her to this dream. Wolf, he gave her the road...and her mother, this was her mother's gift first, and like everything she gave Santana all she had, and Santana now shares it with the world...because of them.

"and the Grammy for album of the year goes to...Beyonce..."

Santana smiled. It was okay. She didn't feel let down, not at all. It was a good day, and she realized now that what she thought were just trophies...they mean something. All that matters is the art, the music. She still feels that way, but the trophies...she gets it. It's not just ego. These trophies insure that she gets to do this again. That she gets to make another project and touch some more people and so she has her trophies, none as special as the one she's holding now...Song of the year. So she actually sees it as a good thing that she didn't take home album of the year as she begins to work on her new music because maybe that just drives her even more. By losing, in a crazy way, she thinks that she won as she turned and made her way back to her family to celebrate this long night.

We better party tonight because I have work to do. Next year, my name will be the last one called on Grammy night. Santana thought, a smile crossing her face as she made her way through the sea of well wishers.