Sasuke thinks about love

Chapter 34: I wonder if you have the same dreams too?

The room was overflowing with all kinds of flowers, most of which Sasuke wouldn't be able to name. Most prominent were the roses of every shade imaginable. Sasuke scanned the shelves with disinterest before lingering on a bundle of white lilies. The floral scent in the back room of Yamanaka Hana was overpowering, a mix of too many fragrances.

Sai stood out like a sore thumb. It was his unnatural mien more than his clothing.

"I have checked all of the ROOT hideouts known to me and there are signs of recent activity in two," Sai said, pointing at the scroll he had placed between them. Two sets of coordinates were written down in neat print. "I have also approached some former members…" There was an infinitesimal pause here and the slightest downturn of the lips. "But have been unable to recover any information on nae-ROOT from them."

Behind his bored expression, Sasuke was taking note of Sai's tells. "Not much to report on Hinoe, Kanoe, Mizunoto and Kanoto," he said. Four days of surveilling the former ROOT members had yielded very little. They all seemed to live solitary and unexceptional lives. "But Kanoe has been in this area twice," Sasuke said, pointing at one of the coordinates.

Sai nodded and then aimed one of his fake smiles at Sasuke.

Sasuke pointedly looked away, returning to the white lilies. Much to Sasuke's irritation, it had been brought to his attention by multiple people that his replacement had a certain likeness to him.

Sasuke didn't see it.

"Tsuchinoe's movements have been interesting," Sasuke remarked idly.

"We had ruled Tsuchinoe out due to her loyalty to Danzo," Sai said, a small thread of confusion colouring his voice. "She was not part of the mission."

Sasuke leaned further back in his seat. He could hear the bustling from the front of the store clearly through two sets of closed doors. For all that he looked out of place among the flowers, the Yamanaka shop had been Sai's choice for a rendezvous point. Sai's presence was easily explained, though his girlfriend no longer took shifts she still dropped by from time to time. Sasuke's presence would be less so, but he had no intention of being spotted.

"That's what makes her actions significant. She's about as reclusive as the rest, but she seems to really dislike Mizunoto." Sasuke eyed Sai out of the corner of his eye. "And you."

Sai's frown wasn't a micro-expression this time.

"But that's something they all have in common," Sasuke continued uncaringly.

"Sasuke-san…are you suspecting me?" Sai asked plainly.

"You did intend to assassinate me."

Sai's eyes narrowed. "You were a missing nin. An enemy of Konoha."

"But it wasn't a mission assigned by the Hokage, was it?"

"I also abandoned that command and decided to capture you instead."

"Not very successfully," Sasuke scoffed under his breath. He turned back to study Sai with cool eyes. "You defected from Danzo easily enough. What's to stop you from doing the same thing with Kakashi?"

Atop the table, Sai's fists clenched. The expression that crossed his face was a mix of emotions truer than any smile Sasuke had seen from him. "That's a rather flattering revision of history, Sasuke-san," Sai said. "Shamefully, it took me a long time to see Danzo's true face. I did question him. And by the time he died, I had already resolved to stay true to Team Kakashi which made the transition easier. Some ROOT members hold a grudge against me for this."

"Hm." Sasuke observed the other shinobi dispassionately. "You weren't the only ROOT member to be placed within a non-ROOT team. The rest stayed loyal. And now they're all struggling to integrate back into society. But not you. Why?"

A minute of silence passed. Sasuke waited it out, watching something like sadness bleed into Sai's black eyes.

"In order to be initiated as an official ROOT member, we were required to go through rigorous training. The last step of the initiation is particularly brutal. You have to kill another trainee. As far as I know, I am the only ROOT member who did not have to go through this," Sai explained. He took a deep breath before continuing. "Because my older brother saved me."

Sasuke had been listening impassively up to this point, but at Sai's last words he sat up, eyes widening.

Sai didn't notice, too caught up in his inner turmoil. "If it weren't for Shin-nii-san…"

The break in Sai's voice when he said the name sent an uncomfortable pang through Sasuke's own chest. He didn't care about Sai and yet Sasuke felt that pain as if it were his own. Sasuke looked at the other shinobi with fresh eyes, seeing the unnatural stiffness in Sai's face and feeling something other than irritation for once.

Whatever else Sai was going to say was cut off by the door swinging open. Ino walked in with a boisterous "Hello, lover!"

"Ino, this is meant to be a secret rendezvous," Sai said without flinching even as Ino threw her arms around him and clung to his shoulders.

"Girlfriend privileges," Ino sang out, undeterred. "And you asked to use it, so it wasn't exactly a secret."

"Well, it's your family's shop. It's considered polite to ask permission to borrow a friend's possession," Sai recited.

"Asking permission is overrated, but it's cute when you do it," Ino cooed, smacking a loud kiss onto Sai's cheek. Interestingly for someone as stiff as Sai, the action drew the most honest smile Sasuke had ever seen from him. "Are you guys done yet? I want to go on a lunch date. Unless you were about to fight over me. In which case, don't let me stop you." Ino winked at Sasuke while Sai seemed completely at ease in her hold. "Sai would win of course, but I'd enjoy the show."

Sasuke stared dead-eyed at Ino for a second before standing up and snatching the scroll with the ROOT hideout coordinates. "I'll submit the report to Kakashi," he muttered, turning to leave.

The last thing he heard was Ino's loud voice saying, "God, what a killjoy!"

When Sasuke got to the Hokage Tower, he found only Shikamaru.

"Hokage-sama's in a meeting and Naruto's gone to the capital," Shikamaru explained. "I can take your report."

Sasuke handed it over easily.

"By the way," Shikamaru said as he filed the scroll away, "Thought you'd want to know that Sakura, Tsunade-sama and Shizune-san finished analyzing the handwriting from the letters Orochimaru gave us. No match for the iryō-nins employed at the hospital."

Sasuke nodded at the information. He'd read through the letters himself. They'd been filled with theories about how to classify the strength of a ninja, intrinsic factors such as chakra reserves, chakra affinities, kekkei genkai as well as extrinsic factors like learned techniques. Nothing particularly illuminating about the identity of the author nor their plans, at least from Sasuke's point of view.

Starting to leave, Sasuke sensed Shikamaru following behind him and frowned. "What?"

Since their time keeping Naruto company at bars and making sure he got home safely, Sasuke noticed Shikamaru seemed less inclined to ignore his existence. Sasuke wasn't certain how to feel about this development.

"Cool the paranoia. I'm going out for a smoke," Shikamaru said, falling into step beside Sasuke.

Sasuke grunted. For some reason, his mind kept straying back to the scene at Yamanaka Hana. The look of true happiness on Sai's face as Ino showered him with affection. The way the tension from speaking about his brother had been completely lifted by her presence.

How someone as loud as Ino could bring anyone peace was a mystery to Sasuke.

Admittedly, Sasuke didn't have many reference points for couples. God knows Kakashi had never brought a partner around his genin team. Orochimaru and his strange collection of human experiments were not worth thinking about in that capacity.

Had Sasuke's parents been that openly loving? Even with his vivid memory, it wasn't something he'd paid attention to as a child. As a teenager it still wasn't something he'd considered before now.

When his mother had brushed his father's bangs away from his face and teased him about his frown lines…had that been love? When his father would gaze at his mother and hold onto her wrist gently…that had to be love.

Sasuke looked down at his hand and remembered the feeling of silky, indigo hair slipping between his fingers, the feeling of soft skin and frail bones in his grasp.

The image of Hinata's face rose to the forefront of his mind, but was followed by the memory of Naruto's hands on her, Naruto's lips pressed to her temple, Naruto's arms spinning her into an embrace.

"Your face is doing a weird thing. Are you emoting?"

Sasuke startled internally and quickly twisted his lips into a scowl.

"And now we're back to the standard frown," Shikamaru drawled. He had a hand on the door to the courtyard, face half-turned to regard Sasuke over his shoulder.

Sasuke hadn't meant to walk this way.

"You're not about to start another international crisis, are you? We have enough to deal with." Shikamaru opened the door and Sasuke was hit with a rush of cold February air.

Disturbed by the path his thoughts had taken, Sasuke found himself following Shikamaru out into the courtyard. Within a matter of minutes the other shinobi was lounging on the bench with a lit cigarette between his lips.

"…Sai and Ino are…together."

Shikamaru puffed out a stream of smoke. "Did she hit on you in front of him? Is that what's gotten you shaken up? That's just Ino being Ino. She's not after you anymore."

Sasuke grimaced. "Like I care."

Shikamaru gave him a sidelong glance. "Ah. You're a prude."

Straightening from where he was leaning against the back of the bench, Sasuke shot a glare at Shikamaru.

"Look I came here to smoke and take a break from solving the world's problems. If you have something to say, then say it. I'll consider helping depending on how troublesome it is." A puff of smoke. "Only to avoid an international crisis."

Sasuke stewed for a moment. Then, he said, "You're in a relationship."

Shikamaru made a pained sound. "Oh hell. Love advice? Forget it. I'll take the international crisis."

Heat rushed to the tips of Sasuke's ears. He felt stupid and childish, two emotions he didn't have a lot of experience with. He began to leave, but Shikamaru's voice stopped him.

"Alright, alright. No love advice, but tell me about the status of your mission."

Sasuke immediately understood which one Shikamaru was talking about. "…it's in progress."

"Is it now?" Shikamaru asked drolly which Sasuke didn't appreciate. Fujiwara and nae-ROOT had taken precedence over Kakashi's lunacy. "Any estimated time of completion?"

Sasuke let his silence speak for itself.

"I guess Hokage-sama already told you to take inspiration from others? Probably your best bet. But, no offense, we're not all Naruto, I'm not in the mood to share," Shikamaru said. He took a long drag of his cigarette. "But consider why Hokage-sama assigned this mission to you."

"Because he's a meddling old man," Sasuke said without hesitation.

Shikamaru hummed. On his next exhale he tipped his head back to gaze at the sky. Sasuke's eyes traced the wisps of smoke absentmindedly.

"…Because he thinks it will ground me. Tie me down to something," Sasuke said after a moment.

"Maybe," Shikamaru allowed. "Dreams give humans something to work towards. Not dissimilar to wants or desires, but less fleeting and harder to achieve. They give us something to live for."

Sasuke stared into the distance. The sun was half-hidden behind the clouds, sky a dull blue. He would be meeting Hinata later in the day. She was using more and more chakra and seemed to be getting used to it. Sasuke intended to increase the intensity of their sparring to test that control.

"The ninja life isn't built for wants or desires. Not beyond training and getting stronger," Sasuke noted.

"You don't really believe that." It was said matter-of-factly.

Sasuke said nothing, continuing to look at the sky. He thought of the old photo album, his mother's beaming face as she held a newborn Itachi. He thought of Kakashi giggling with a drunk Tsunade, Naruto on his sixth bowl of ramen, Sakura proudly standing in her medic coat, Sai and Ino wrapped up in each other, the rest of the Konoha Twelve laughing together. He thought of Itachi's content expression as he helped Sasuke pet a koi fish for the first time. He thought of Hinata savouring wagashi, eyes shut in bliss.

"At its core, it's about finding what brings you happiness. What's most important to you." Shikamaru said. "A person's dream can tell you a lot about what's in their heart."

"…that's all? Being Hokage and nothing else?"

"What else is there?"

"I want the people I care about to be happy and safe. And, perhaps selfishly, I would like to be a reason for their happiness and safety."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed in thought.

Shikamaru stubbed his cigarette out and then hauled himself to his feet. "Instead of tying you down, have you considered that what Kakashi-sensei wants is for you to want to live?"

With that said, the Nara departed from the courtyard at a slow pace, leaving Sasuke to mull over his words.

Hinata stared warily at the frozen Naka no Kawa from where she was standing on the Uchiha docks. Only a thin layer of the surface was iced and Hinata could see the tumultuous current below. This was worse than the last time Sasuke had suggested they spar here.

She turned to Sasuke's impassive face. Suggested might be the wrong word.

"Don't hold back," he told her before striding off and onto the ice.

They had already meditated together earlier, Sasuke's touch stabilizing her chakra almost in equal measure to how it destabilized her heart. Fortunately, Hinata was getting better at reigning her chaotic emotions in. She had yet to unleash the full extent of the Hamura chakra — her chakra, she reminded herself — but a good portion of it was running through her body. Controlling it on solid ground seemed a big enough ask, but on the delicate iced-over surface of the Naka no Kawa?

Holding back a shiver, Hinata set her lips in a determined line. Then, she joined Sasuke on the river.

The ice immediately made a frightening noise. Quickly, Hinata spread a thin layer of chakra between her feet and the surface, so as not to touch it directly. The noise stopped and Hinata let out a breath of relief. The water rushed just beneath the ice and Hinata had to carefully match her chakra to the water's fluctuating force without challenging the ice's fragility. When she looked up, she found Sasuke's lips quirked in a slight smirk.

Hinata struck first. It earned a minute widening of Sasuke's eyes.

They skated across the ice in fluid taijutsu for several minutes.

"Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"

Gasping, Hinata spun out of the way. Even completely out of the direct line of fire, Hinata could still feel the heat of it blowing past her. A creaking noise filled the air and Hinata realized some of the ice had melted, changing its structural integrity. She adjusted her chakra accordingly, though not without catching a kick to the gut while she was distracted.

Leaping out of reach, Hinata took a moment to take stock of the situation. Sasuke looked unrepentant and already she could see him starting to sign again. Without further thought, Hinata forced her chakra down her arms.

"Jūho Sōshiken"

Sasuke dodged her striking hand, but not the chakra encasing it. It was just a graze, but Hinata saw the effect on him from up close, the tightening in his expression and the ice cracking under his feet. She'd made him falter.

They continued back and forth with taijutsu and ninjutsu as the surface of the Naka no Kawa slowly filled with more and more rifts. Sweat gathered by Hinata's hairline and cooled almost as soon as it appeared, leaving her skin uncomfortably clammy. Sasuke's black hair was glittering with small shards of ice. Foggy air escaped both of them with every exhale.

After ducking a kick, Hinata had twisted around with her fist aimed at Sasuke's sternum when she noticed a faraway look in his eyes. She had expected him to evade her hit and when he didn't, she clumsily withdrew her arm, stumbling. The ice fractured underneath them and this time water breached the surface.

Sasuke didn't react.

Hinata rushed at Sasuke and took hold of his arm. It was then that his eyes cleared, snapping to hers. Wasting no time, Hinata dragged them across the river as the ice continued to fall apart behind them. Chased by the sound of loud cracks and gushing water, they finally landed in a pile by the banks, the river more water than ice now.

A puff of breath disturbed Hinata's eyelashes. Lifting her head, her nose grazed against soft skin. Wide lavender eyes met bottomless black and swirling white.

"What was that?" Sasuke asked plainly. He was laying flat on his back in the snow, hair in disarray around his face, a stunning contrast of black against white. Hinata could see that the tips of his ears were red and his cheeks were flushed, at odds with the unaffected quality of his voice.

Hinata was sprawled half on top of him. When she shifted their knees knocked, drawing attention to the long line of contact between their bodies.

"Eep!" Throwing herself back, Hinata landed on her bottom in the snow.

Sasuke slowly raised himself up onto his elbows. His face was a blank canvas again making Hinata feel like she'd imagined the bloom of pink. He quirked a brow at her and Hinata felt her own face heat.

"I thought you were going to fall!" she exclaimed. Every part of her that had been touching Sasuke still tingled, only serving to further fluster her. Whenever Hinata thought she had her feelings under control, she'd slip and make things strange again. Mortifyingly, she could tell Sasuke noticed, but his reactions were difficult to interpret. Surely she'd started to annoy him by now? She was annoying herself.

Rising up to a sitting position, Sasuke began to casually brush away the snow from his cloak. "That was the point of the exercise. If you'd been the one to lose focus, I would have let you fall."

Hinata's brows drew together. "That's fine. But I wouldn't."

Sasuke paused. His head was angled down to his cloak, so Hinata couldn't see his face. It was a short moment and then he was back to dusting off the snow. "It's my own fault, I got distracted."

Biting her lip, Hinata studied Sasuke from under her bangs. "Did something happen?"

"My clones finished up a task and dispersed themselves. Wasn't expecting the rush of information, thought it would take them longer," Sasuke explained.

"Clones?" Hinata asked. "For a mission?"

"Mm."

"Is that fine? To send clones? We could have rescheduled…"

Sasuke looked at her quizzically. "I know. They were just observing."

"Sasuke-san, did you finish your mission early?"

"I just need to drop off the retrieved package in Kirigakure. It won't take long."

Hinata blinked away the memory. Meanwhile Sasuke got to his feet and eyed the river.

"Doesn't look like we can continue," he said.

Hinata stayed seated, looking up at Sasuke's profile. This wasn't the first time Sasuke had gone out of his way to make time for her despite a mission.

Oblivious to Hinata's train of thought, Sasuke turned to her and held out his hand.

Staring, Hinata hesitated a little too long before taking it and letting Sasuke help her to her feet. He let go too quickly, but then reached out to ruffle her hair. Hinata felt stray snowflakes land on her cheeks.

"You're a mess," he remarked.

Despite everything, his teasing made Hinata smile, tension leaving her body. "You too." Sasuke had cleared the snow from his clothes, but had neglected his hair. Stretching up on her toes, she brushed the snow out of his hair more carefully than he had done to her. "There," she said, leaning back down, satisfied. As she drew back her hands, Sasuke caught one in his. It was a brief touch of warm fingers around her wrist, thumb at her pulse point, and then it was gone.

Sasuke turned his head to the side towards the village. "Let's go back to mine."

Sasuke reclined against the counter watching Hinata glide around his kitchen in her lilac slippers. She was wearing a set of his clothes, hers having been fairly soaked through from laying in the snow too long. Sasuke's cloak had protected him for the most part, though enough snow had dripped down from his hair into his collar that he'd changed his shirt.

Hinata opened his fridge and hummed in satisfaction. She pulled out a carton of eggs and leftover rice. When she closed the fridge door the sleeve of Sasuke's shirt slipped over her hand and she huffed quietly before depositing the food on the counter and then rolling it up again.

Homemade lunch cooked right in Sasuke's kitchen had become a part of their routine. Hinata seemed determined to broaden Sasuke's palette beyond onigiri, working her way through simple recipes to whet his appetite. Sasuke had taken to stocking his fridge better in anticipation of this and it pleased him to see the appreciative look on her face each time.

Once it looked like Hinata had gotten the ingredients in order, Sasuke moved to stand beside her and let her instruct him as he helped her cook. She'd been surprised the first time and still wore a look of slight surprise even now, but seemed happy to give him tips or point out easier ways to do things.

The space was so limited that bumping into each other was unavoidable, but the omurice was done without incident and served on two plates, one with a lot more ketchup than the other. They ate in a content silence and then engaged in a battle of wills that Hinata ultimately won. She got up to make tea, but Sasuke took his consolation prize as doing the dishes rather than waiting at the table. As he washed, his eyes kept sliding towards Hinata.

Even without the ceremonial flourishes, tea-making was an art when performed by Hinata. When she finished, Sasuke saw her caress the patterned porcelain teapot as always.

She looked so comfortable in his apartment, in his clothes.

Sasuke wanted Hinata to always be comfortable and content.

Unbidden, Shikamaru's words rang through his head.

"At its core, it's about finding what brings you happiness. What's most important to you."

Important thoughts are circulating in Sasuke's head!

Meanwhile Hinata's pretty set on ignoring her feelings even though she's not doing great at it.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to leave a review ^^ always appreciate reading your thoughts!

MVH