The Fate franchise is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

Fate Harem Antics is the creation of Kamenhero25.

Tales as Old as Time.

Earth 13,699,906.

Monday November 10, 2003 AD:

"Kiri..."

The spirit of Emiya Kiritsugu turned his attention from the material world and back to the strange spiritual space that he now inhabited. How? He didn't care, he was happy. At long last, he was happy. He wasn't going to question it, although a tiny voice at the back of his mind sometimes tried to move him into it. He still was Emiya Kiritsugu after all. "Iri," he said with a soft smile. "Sorry, I was just checking on Shirou."

A long haired, gorgeous pale female spirit smiled at him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Hmmm, so how is our handsome young man?"

Kiritsugu smiled. "You first. How's Illya doing?"

His wife pouted. "The old man is still pushing her too hard," she said. "She only wants to go the Grail War so that she can meet her little brother..."

"You mean so that she can kill him," the black haired male spirit answered.

Irisviel von Einzbern-Emiya threw her hands up. "It's a phase she was to work out. Anyway, he's pushing her to claim the Grail for the Einzbern family. He keeps on trying to convince her that it's your fault that the Grail was lost last time."

"He's not ALL that wrong," Emiya allowed, "but..."

"It was a responsibility shared between many, and let's leave it at that!" Irisviel summed up, waving a hand.

The former assassin thought about it and scowled. "Iri, no offense, but I should have murdered Acht while I had the chance."

She smiled sadly. "Oh, Kiri. Even now, murder remains your default answer to everything, doesn't it?"

"But..."

Irisviel sighed. "I know, I know, I don't really blame you," she said. "He wants Illya to summon her Servant in two days."

Kiritsugu's eyes widened slightly. "But that's…"

"I couldn't be able to support him for months. She would have to bear the burden all on her own."

Kiritsugu actually growled. "That's it. Iri, do you think you could manifest me when she tries to summon? I want to blow the old man's head to a pulp."

"Have you made a contract with the Counter Force?" she asked back.

Her husband blinked. "What? No! No, of course I haven't!"

"Then I can't. I mean, I could, but your spirit doesn't have the same composition as a Heroic Spirit. You would just dematerialize and be drawn back here before you could do anything."

Emiya blinked once again. "Huh! My legend isn't as big as I thought it was then."

"No offense, dear, but not only you are too recent, but that comes with the territory when most of mankind doesn't even know magi exist, much less you!"

Kiritsugu sighed. "Then… what if you sent her a Servant that could protect her from him?"

Irisviel smiled. "It's okay! She's a strong girl, and for all his faults, Father has always been good at picking Servants. Well, except for that whole thing with... Avenger..." she finished with sudden disgust and a grimace.

Kiritsugu thought back of his Servant in the Fourth Holy Grail War. "I suppose you are right..."

"Of course I am, silly!" Irisviel said happily. "Now, how has our other child been doing?"

"Shirou's fine." Kiritsugu couldn't help feeling a little pride as he spoke. "He's eating right and he's still practicing him magic. Even if he's not very good at it. He's doing fairly well in school and he's actually managed to get Taiga to be a little bit responsible on a good day."

"A miracle in and of itself," his wife agreed. "Oh, our boy is so manly! Putting all that work in at the cafe, and training, and school! If only he put aside a little time to meet some nice girls… Mama wants grandbabies!"

Kiritsugu knew better than to argue with his wife when she went on one of these tangents. "Well, the Matou girl is still coming around every day. And Tohsaka's daughter keeps watching him, sort of. And there's the archery girl, what's her name…" He searched his memory for a moment, then gave up trying to remember.

"And how is Sakura doing?" Irisviel's eyes hardened a bit.

"Well, Zouken is still an immortal, raping, murdering worm, but Sakura is still hanging on." He scowled again and pulled a cigarette from… somewhere. He'd long since stopped wondering where things came from in that nebulous place. He lit up and took a deep inhale before he continued. "He's someone else that I should have killed when I had the chance. Just like Kirei, and the Sajyou loose end, and maybe even Velvet, and-"

"KIRI!"

"Sakura seems happy when she's with Shirou, though. So they're still close."

"I see…"

She reached over and put the cigarette off between her thin, ethereally beautiful fingers.

Kiritsugu felt his deep seated combat instincts stirring. And not simply because someone had just touched his cigarette. "Iri, I know that look. Whatever you think is a good idea, please be careful. I know she's going to be a Master, but please don't do anything too crazy."

"Oh don't worry, Dear," Irisviel said. "I know just who to send her. And just what to do about the old leech."

Kiritsugu's finely tuned assassin's instincts were screaming at him now. "If you're sure…" He summoned a new cigarette, on the general principle of the thing, and took another deep inhale, very glad that he could still feel the relaxation of the nicotine without feeling the effects of tar and smoke.

"Oh don't be such a worrywart, Kiri," Irisviel said with an adorable pout that she only used when she wanted something. "I'm the all-new, all-improved mighty Holy Grail! I know exactly what I'm doing." She pulled a pad and paper from… wherever and began to rapidly take notes. "Now let's see… We'll need Sakura of course. And Tohsaka. She just doesn't realize that she's in love with him yet. And we can use Ayako too! I'm sure I can work out how to get around the no magic circuits thing. Now who else should I…"

"How about Illya?" Kiritsugu asked half jokingly.

Irisviel stared at him in horror. "Illya!?"

"It was just a gag..." he said.

"But, but they are siblings!" Irisviel sputtered.

"I'm telling you, Darling, I'm not serious..."

"And she looks ten! I know she isn't, but at least wait until we work something out to make her grow before pairing her around!"

"I know I don't have a good joking face and that my tone isn't much better, Iri. But-"

"Kiritsugu... are you into little girls?"

"What!?"

"I mean, I mean, you married me when I was one year old!"

"But you, but Iri, you didn't look it!"

"Oh, so now I'm too old for you!"

"No, you aren't!"

"Father always told me, 'All Japanese men are lolicon', and now I see he was right!"

"Oh, so now he's 'Father' and not 'the old man'..." Emiya ruminated.

"Siblings, for God's sake! Kiri, how could you, I thought better of you! Illya needs brotherly guidance, not any romance right now! She isn't in physically or mentally ready! If she were, I'd send her a female Servant! But of course, you Japanese are always fixated on those creepy fetishes, it's just like Saber said..."

Kiritsugu shrank down while she ranted, waiting for her to get winded down, and went back to checking on his son.

Berserker.

True Name: Minamoto no Raikou.

Kiritsugu dared to glance back again. "So you're sending her a female Servant after all?"

"So you're happy..." Iri said in that quiet passive agressive way spouses pull off so well.

"I didn't say she had to have a female Servant, Heracles is okay as well, as long as he isn't-"

"No, no, that's fine." Iri raised her hand. "That's just asking for trouble from Hera, if she's still anywhere out there."

"A fair point," her husband allowed.

Other Names and Aliases: Minamoto no Yorimitsu, Ushi Gozen, Monjumaru.

"How are you even going to pull that from the catalyst Acht bought for her?" Kiritsugu asked her. "It has nothing at all to do with Japan, much less her!"

"Illya wears 'Made in Japan' undies. Close enough," Irisviel said.

Kiritsugu blinked. "She does? That's strange, I never imagined Acht would buy her that kind of underwear."

"Father is a complicated man, even if his bastardry is easy to understand," Irisviel said.

Alternate Classes: Lancer, Saber Rider.

"Why are you giving her the Berserker class?" Kiritsugu asked.

"It's her most stable class," Irisviel said.

"The class renowned for being made of lunatics is her most stable class!?"

"Just be thankful I'm not summoning her young."

Alignment: Chaotic Good.

"See? She's Chaotic Good. Nothing to fear there. Not Lawful, so she won't be too strict, but still good, so..."

"Gilgamesh is also Chaotic Good and look at how that turned out," Kiritsugu reminded her.

"Please be quiet and let the expert handle it, Darling..."

Attribute: Heaven.

Gender: Female.

"Really, at least one male Servant in the mix won't hurt," Kiritsugu reasoned. "Shirou needs someone to bond with, a brother of sorts..."

"Sorry, not taking any risks!" Iri said. "If they're ugly they'll make everyone want to be away, and if they're handsome they might find them more handsome than him!"

"I raised him as handsome as a ginger can be!"

Natural Enemy: 'That person'.

"That person?" Kiritsugu asked.

"Don't want to type her name out," Iri mumbled. "I don't like Oni either."

"But why? I mean, yeah, they are evil and they shouldn't be near Shirou, but what have they ever done to you that you don't want to ever type their names?"

"They scare me, okay!"

Parameters:

Strenght: A

Endurance: B

Agility: D

Magic/Mana: A

Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: A+

"Isn't that to strong for Shirou?" Kiritsugu asked. "What if she pulverizes his pelvis while having sex?"

"Don't worry, I'm giving them a healer too," Irisviel shrugged it off.

"... okay..."

Likes: "Kintsuba cakes, perhaps. What? Not food? S-Sorry! ...Oh my, how embarrassing..."

Dislikes: "Do you even need to ask? There is really only one thing. Irksome pests that get close to the ones I love."

"Is that the kind of attitude we really want in someone who is supposed to be in a harem?" Kiritsugu asked.

"She will get used to it as long as there aren't any Oni. It's not like I'm giving him Kiyohime!"

First Ascension: Raiku poses standing with her long sword.

Second Ascension: Raikou poses standing with her long sword, her huge bow, and her arrows.

Third Ascension: Raikou poses standing with her long sword drawn out, her huge bow, and her arrows. There are also stupid looking things on her head.

Final Ascension: Raikou kneeling on the floor and supporting herself on her long sword. It's the most Raita drawing in the world.

Irisviel smiled sweetly. "Beautiful, right?"

Kiritsugu gave her a thumbs up. "Yes, it's a gorgeous sword. Shirou will fall in love with it for sure! I knew I could count on you!"

The woman giggled. "You say the kindest things...!"

Biography:

A historical figure from the 10th-11th centuries.

As founder of the Settsu branch of the Genji family, she contributed to the prosperity of the Seiwa Genji family.

Crowned the strongest Mystic Slayer of the Heian period, she has dispatched many demons, such as Shuten Douji of Mt. Ooe, the Giant Spider of Kyoto, and the Ox-Demon of Sensoji.

Of course, this figure was historically a man. However, the secret of her birth is the reason for the gender change.

She leads four retainers: Watanabe no Tsuna, Sakata Kintoki, Urabe no Suetake, and Usui Sadamitsu.

"Thank you for sparing me the most sordid parts of her secret origin, whatever they are," Kiritsugu said flatly.

"I'm sure you'd say your origin is more tragic anyway."

"But it is!"

Class Skills:

Mad Enhacement: EX

"And this is HER MOST STABLE class!?" Kiritsugu panicked.

"Yes it is," Irisviel nodded.

"Forget about her, just give him Heracles in a skirt! It's bound to work better!"

"I know what I'm doing...!"

Magic Resistance: D

"Well, I hope they have a good Caster, in the... highly unlikely case she goes totally insane with that EX ranked Mad Enhancement."

"They'll have an excellent Caster, since I'm giving them Medea!" Irisviel said with pride.

"You're also putting the jealous family-murdering witch in his harem!?" Kiritsugu said.

"Don't you have a highly violent movie or another to be watching right now, dear?"

Riding: A+

"Pulverized hips, alright," Kritsugu began smoking nervously.

Iri licked her lips over. "Worth it..."

Divinity: C

"Isn't that a bad thing to have when Gilgamesh is still around?" Kiritsugu observed.

Irisviel chuckled. "Just wait until you see her personal skills."

Personal Skills:

Eternal Arms Mastery (Genji Arms Mastery): A+

"Huh, all right then, mastering ancient weapons, that's fine..." Kiritsugu shrugged. "The golden imbecile will just bray that he has many better ones, but it's not like he can use them worth a damn after all. But can she use guns? Can she!?"

"That's what Francis Drake is there for," the woman said.

"Francis Drake is a woman too!?"

Mana Burst (Lightning): A

Kiritsugu huffed. "King Arthur's is much better!"

"Oh, now you're proud about her," Irisviel said patiently. "It would have been awfully nice of you telling her how much you valued her when you still had her around..."

"I gave you to her, what bigger proof of my trust did she want?"

Irisviel blinked and blushed. "Oh, that one, I can't snark at."

Mystery Slayer: A

Kiritsugu grinned slowly. "I see...!"

"I told you it'd be a good one!"

Noble Phantasm:

Ox-King Storm Call- The Inescapable Net of Heaven: B++

Anti-Army.

Up to 200 enemies at a time.

She summons the Ox (or Ox Demon) servants of Gozu Tenno, the source of her twisted origin and demonic power, and crushes the enemy forces with their strength.

The four weapons that manifest with lightning symbolize the souls of her four retainers.

"Two hundred? Damn," Kiritsugu said. "Right now, the author must be feeling he's made his original Noble Phantasms for his fanmade Heroic Spirits pretty weak so far, right?"

Shut up, smartass.

I'm so much of an idiot.

Start of Battle:

"... Let the slaughter begin."

"Okay," Kiritsugu allowed, "maybe Illya will like her after all."

His wife nodded. "Children nowadays are all about violent 'cool' role models so I tried to choose the best one for her. It was either this or Wolverine's daughter."

"You're only one year older than her! 'Children nowadays'?"

"But I'm matuuuureeeeeeeeee!"

"I would advise you not to overexert yourself."

Attack:

"Hah!"

"There!"

"Does this hurt?"

"Ngh!"

"Begone!"

"Haaaaaaah!"

"I'll admit she could be wittier about it, but she's a Berserker after all!" Irisviel said.

"It's okay, this business isn't a Dirty Harry movie," Emiya blew some smoke. "When you look at the eyes of a man whose life you are about to snuff, you don't really want to utter any vapid taunting last words. You just pray inside for your own soul, tainted with the vile esence of an assassin, and then you think about your wife, and about how she makes it all worthwhile..."

"Ick! Ick! You think of me while killing people!? I could've lived without knowing that, Kiri...!"

Damage:

"Ungh!"

"Ugh!"

"And when you're wounded in a shootout, you don't crack wise either, unless you are Sisygou Kairi or someone equally stunned emotionally," Kiritsugu ranted quite hypocritically. "You only think about the bleak unfairness of the world, and how all violence should be eradicated for the sake of our children, and the children of our children, and-"

"Kiri, please. You're giving me a Nero migraine!"

Damage by Noble Phantasm: "You're good..."

Victory:

"Did I serve you well? Hehehe, I'm glad to hear that."

"Hmmm... I suppose war always does leave chaos in its wake."

Kiritsugu opened his mouth.

Irisviel quietly glared at her husband.

Kiritsugu wisely closed his mouth.

Defeat:

"To think that I of all people... I am ashamed... "

"I was careless..."

"To think... I would suffer defeat again..."

"This is because... I let my guard down..."

"Iri. Now that I think about it, why are we even going over her death lines? Isn't your goal for all of them to live so Shirou can marry them?"

"Sometimes it's just hot to hear beautiful women moan in pain." She shrugged.

Summon: "Hello, my dear Mage. Servant, Saber... Oh? Huh? I am not a Saber... Oh dear. Erm... I am Minamoto no Raikou. Although I still have a long way to go, I will be counting on you from now on, okay?"

Wednesday November 12, 2003 AD:

"What," Illyasviel said, still soaked on the wolf blood splattered all over her.

Noble Phantasm Activation:

"Come forth my Four Heavenly Kings! No, the retainers of Gozu Tenno. Take the shape of my memory. Here I go. Vengeful Lightning of the Ox-King!"

Back to Monday November 10, 2003 AD:

"Why are humanity's alleged best always so childlike?" Kiritsugu sneered. "What kind of mind comes up with fanciful overwrought pap like that?"

Irisviel blushed again. "Seriously? I think it's awesome!"

Extra Dialogue:

"Oh, Kintoki, are you still causing trouble like that? H-Hey, where are you going?! I am merely looking out for you, my child... You're so cruel, I could cry..." (When you have Berserker or Rider Sakata Kintoki).

"Genius!" Kiritsugu squeezed his fist. "Guilting Shirou like that, he'll be powerless to do any stupid stuff to hurt himself!"

He paused. "Then again... We shouldn't understimate him..."

"I sense a troublesome bug... Perhaps that ragged oni girl over there. Oh, do not fret. When I crush her, neither you nor Kintoki will have to watch." (When you have Saber or Ruler Ibuki Douji or Assassin or Caster Shuten Douji).

"I hear that there is a yellow troublesome pest lurking around Master and Kintoki... It couldn't be who I think it is, could it?" (When you have Berserker or Lancer Ibaraki Douji).

"What do you think about that protective attitude?" Iri smiled at her man.

"Nice, but how does she feel about Catholic priests?"

"It's been a while, Lady Kaoruko. Are you still writing those beautiful stories while you're here?" (When you have Caster or Rider Murasaki Shikibu).

Kiritsugu looked at his wife questioningly.

"Sorry, but no," she explained. "Grail rules! We are obligated to include only one Raita designed Servant per standard Heaven's Feel. Let's see, I also already have the obligatory two Takeuchis, and one from Wada, and-"

Birthday: "Hehe, this way please, Master. I hear birthdays are meant to be celebrated with family. Now then, feel free to see me as your mother for this special day. "

Iri froze. "Her... mother..."

Kiritsugu rasped. "We still could go with Heracles if you want to-"

"This is fine tooooooooo!" She clenched her teeth and kept on typing.

Event: "Hm? It appears a festival might be underway. Sounds fun. Let's go!"

"That doesn't sound like the kind of attitude one should have during a war. What kind of warrior is she then?"

"I don't know, maybe if our war had had more festivals and less battles it'd have gone better for everyone involved," Irisviel mused.

Holy Grail: "'What I would wish for with the Holy Grail...? I suppose a peaceful world where every child knows their mother's love. "

"Can you actually do something like that?" Kiritsugu asked.

"Of course not, silly, I'm a Holy Grail, not the person who drank from THE Holy Grail. Haven't you learned anything about wishing too big?" Irisviel smiled and dusted her hands off, then turned the laptop off. "Well, that's a wrap for today! I'll start working on Medea tomorrow!"

"Are you sure you don't want a more agreeable mage, like... or... or... Damn." Kiritsugu bit his tongue. "All of us are bastards, aren't we?"

"Awww, but you're my bastard..." she cooed, dragging a finger in circles on his chest.

Then she began pulling him towards the bed.

Saturday January 10, 2004 AD:

Illya hopped down off the private jet with a huge smile on her face. "So this is Japan," she said, looking up at the sky. "It… really doesn't look that much different from home. It's a little warmer, at least."

"It's still good to be home," a voice said behind her. A tall woman with long, flowing black hair carefully stepped down from the plane, her heels clicking against the stairs and the coat of her pale gray power suit thrown over her shoulder. "And you'll get to meet your brother for the first time."

Illya did a little twirl, her long silver hair whirling around her. "I know, Auntie! Oh, I hope Oniichan has summoned his Servant already. A very good Servant! Only the best will do for our battle!" She trailed off, then began giggling a little bit, rubbing her hands.

Her Servant smiled softly. "Please take it easy, Illya. You said that your mother is watching over you, right?"

Ilya looked up at her Servant. "Yes! Mama has been watching me ever since she left."

"And your mother wouldn't approve of you killing your little brother, would she?"

Illya tilted her head aside, looking at her. "I don't understand the question."

Berserker sighed. "Never mind. We'll straighten that out later. In the meantime, trust me. I won't let anything bad happen to you just during the Holy Grail War."

Illya's gorgeous smile widened again. "Of course you won't, Auntie! Everything will work out in the end. Sayoko! Take my bags and deliver them to the castle. Berserker and I are going out to explore the city!"

The put-upon black haired maid bowed. "Yes, Mistress Ilya."

Then she glanced at the camera while picking the heavy bags up. "What? This is still also an OverMaster production after all."

As they began walking away, two female flight assistants looked down at them from the airplane.

One of them looked at the other. "I also want breast implants that are bigger than my head," she resolved.

Next: Australia's most shameful son.