A/N - Hi guys, I've never done therapy or attended a support group. As at the time of writing, I've not worked on the front line or had a limb amputated. I don't want to come across as insensitive, ignorant or unrealistic. I'm happy to take stuff down if I've crossed the line or it's so incorrect that it's simply inconceivable.
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Breathe in and breath out. Breathe in and breath out. You've got this Robbins.
The pair sat in Callie's car, in the parking lot of an outdated community centre. Arizona was quietly summoning the courage to leave the safety of the vehicle, the safety of her girlfriend. Realistically, she should have come here years ago, but they'd already established that dwelling on certain aspects of the past was unhealthy and unnecessary. Plus, hindsight and everything.
Callie broke the silence. "So, do you want me to go home and pick you up in an hour? Or maybe go across to the diner so I can be here quickly if you need to leave early?"
The old Arizona may have scoffed at the notion she wouldn't see something through, but she had to accept she could admit vulnerability without it reflecting as weakness, certainly to Callie. "Err the diner, if that's okay? Alex has Sofia so she won't see any mental breakdown I have. Apparently, she wanted a sleepover and he's just as much a sucker for the Torres eyes as me."
The brunette gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Sounds good my love, I'll park up. Text me when you're about to leave". She leant in for what she expected to be a brief kiss, but Arizona lingered and brought her hand to Callie's cheek, she needed that extra bit of courage that only her girlfriend could provide. She took one last deep breath, exited the car and waved as she entered the centre.
Callie watched her go and once out of sight, she whipped out her phone.
Callie: Hey, you free?
The reply took only five minutes.
Owen: For you Torres, always
Not wanting to have such an important conversation over text, especially as the written word can sometimes be misconstrued, she tapped his name. "Hey Owen, sorry to trouble you. I'll keep this quick, this army veteran's group in Chicago, what do you think erm, how much time do you…?"
How much time would it take me away from my family?
He exhaled in sympathy; they were going to cover this topic before Arizona decided to get half naked in front of him in the attending's lounge. He knew about the Seahawks and Mariners; he knew what her concerns would be. "Not gonna lie Torres, if this thing takes off as we want it to, it will be a huge venture. I'm not saying it will take up all your time but there will be the usual medical conferences and no doubt additional ones we'd attend. The time dedicated to research, therapy sessions, prosthetic labs and everything else that goes with it will likely increase." It's as if he could hear the stiffening in her silence. "However, a lot of that can be done at the hospital, and I know from earlier discussions that they're also more than happy to visit Grey Sloan, we won't be expected to fly out of state for every event or travel the country." He'd clearly had more of a discussion with the them than she thought. "I think you could easily balance your time with your day-to-day surgeries, cartlidge research/testing, this, and still have plenty of time for Arizona and Sofia." He purposely didn't mention the sports teams, he couldn't comment on any time requirements they'd expect. "I kinda told them that one of our stipulations was it would need to fit around our schedules as much as possible, and that we need personal lives to wind down, stay sane and keep us focused."
Who knew Owen Hunt could make Callie Torres form tears of joy? He knew exactly what her concerns were. "Thanks Owen, that's pretty much all I needed to know. You're a good friend, even if you've married my girlfriend numerous times and seen her boobs more than once."
She could hear his scoff and blush as he said his goodbyes. "Same here, night Torres."
"Good night, Owen."
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Arizona was expecting uncomfortable plastic chairs, everyone to be sat in a circle, stale coffee and biscuits in the corner, lights flickering with end-of-life lightbulbs, bodies on show and continued awkward silences. She was pleasantly surprised when she entered that it had more of a lounge feel and people were happily chatting away before the session started.
The group leader was Paul, not an amputee himself but from initial conversations when Arizona called, they'd established he specialised in grief, especially resulting due to loss. She took her place on one of the double seated sofas, next to Paul's stand-alone plastic fold up, she was grateful at his proximity.
As requested, she opened to the floor. "Hi, I'm Dr Arizona Robbins, I'm a surgeon at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and my left leg was amputated above the knee six years ago after it became infected when I was in a plane crash."
There were murmurs of hello, some were more enthusiastic than others, but she didn't feel gawked at. Paul gave her a reassuring smile which again, calmed her nerves. "Thank you, Arizona, are you happy for the group to refer to you as Arizona?"
"Yes of course."
"Amazing, thank you. Now as I say to all first timers, we do not expect you to come in, share your story or participate in any conversations. Sometimes members just like to sit and listen, some like to discuss theirs or the stories of others and some walk out halfway through. There is no handbook on how to manage amputations and how it impacts the individual professionally, personally and emotionally. There are too many layers to dissect, and no one has the same story or answer. Some handle their limitations, for want of a better term, differently to others. There are outside factors such as type of amputation, profession, recreation, support system, how it occurred… if we had the answers then this could be concluded at the time of amputation."
Arizona could feel the anxiety building, what she wouldn't give to have Callie by her side. He continued. "Everyone has a different journey, there will be no judgements here and if there is even a hint, that person will receive a warning or be asked to leave. Thankfully in my time here, that hasn't happened. This group is primarily dedicated to front line workers who are on their feet for a considerable amount of time and are expected to move in a flash. The attendees are mainly those who had a limb amputated later in life, but there are also some where it's simply the norm."
Arizona nodded, her previously racing heart felt somewhat comforted with those words.
No judgement.
Everyone has their own process.
No two cases are the same.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she should have done this earlier, she felt her heart physically ache at the thought. If she had sought help at the time would she- no, no ifs or buts, Callie was clear on that.
"So, this will be the first and only question I ask Arizona, everything else will be up to you to offer. Can you tell us why you decided to join our hearty band of warriors?"
She started to fiddle with the hem of her shirt and couldn't maintain eye contact. "I erm, I made some mistakes, after my amputation. A few actually, some really bad and some understandable, in my opinion, at the time anyway. As I said I was in a plane crash, a plane I wasn't meant to be on but my pride was wounded so I went in place of someone else and, erm, here I am. I want to use my experience to help others, maybe learn more about myself and yeah, just, I don't know, just… talk. It was my biggest downfall at the time."
A gruff voice spoke a few metres away. "Are you one of the Seattle Grace five?"
"Jerry, let Arizona finish."
She shook her head. "No it's okay, I don't mind answering questions, I've got a lot better at it over the years. Plus as I said, I'd like for my story, certainly my journey, to be used to help people who are in similar position to maybe not make the same mistakes I did…"
Paul tagged on. "…Or follow the amazing example you've set." His smile was warm. "Right, thank you Arizona, if you're happy to field questions then I'll let you continue."
"Thank you. Erm, y- yes, I was- am- but that's different to the people who were in the crash. There were eight of us on the flight, two pilots and six doctors. Both pilots died, one on impact and one a while later, I didn't register timings." She closed her eyes as she struggled with the next part. "The doctors onboard were- are my friends, one even family. Dr Lexie Grey died soon after impact, Dr Mark Sloan…" Her voice cracked. "Die-died in the hospital when we were flown back to Seattle, he was- is the father of my daughter. I never got to say goodbye…"
My own fault, and one of the biggest regrets of my life.
"…three survived physically unharmed and then there's me, I survived, just, but I'm the only one who had any physical evidence I'd be in a plane crash.
A short woman with blue hair raised her hand. "Can I ask a question?"
"Err yeah, sure."
"So basically, they either died or had no signs they'd been in crash? You're the only one who does?"
"Yes."
"That's lame. Did you ever wish you'd died?"
Her throat went dry. "Sometimes, in the beginning. Not anymore, I'm the happiest I've been in years. I have an amazing family who love me, and I love them more than anything in the world. I was able to become a surgeon again and even mastered another specialty. I thank someone, god or whoever, every day that I survived. I'll forever be grateful that the decision was made to amputate my leg, because I wouldn't have been strong enough to consent, I wasn't. I refused."
Blue hair continued. "So at the time you had no support? That must have sucked."
Arizona took in the room before she spoke, she wondered if any of them had a support system in place. "No, no I did, I had great support actually, she's the best, but I erm I was horrible, pushed her away and bullied her relentlessly." Her voice went quieter as she spoke. "I- I'm sorry."
Paul interjected. "It's okay Arizona, take you time. As I said, there is no handbook. If you don't mind me asking, you said you pushed this person away. I take it from your words they weren't an appointed care worker. What is your relationship with them now? Do you still have one?"
Oh they were going to love this. "The person I pushed away was actually my wife, she was- is amazing and I erm, I- I wasn't. I blamed her for a lot of things. I erm, I cheated on her and threatened to harm her when I thought she was the one who amputated my leg. I didn't think you could do that to the person you loved. I learned years later it wasn't her, but we'd since divorced." Arizona followed up with a question she'd asked herself a million times after she found out. "I don't know if I would have still acted the same towards her. She wasn't on the… flight," (she really wanted to avoid using the term so closely to what she had at the time and Callie heard a few days ago) "…and I felt like she was claiming she was. But I didn't appreciate that she also suffered, just in a different way."
Another man, this time sporting unmistakable dog tags, followed up. "Do you ever hear from her?"
She smiled as she thought of her girlfriend, no doubt sat in the diner opposite, grumbling at how terrible the coffee was. "I do, we're back together now, it's another reason why I'm here. I get to be with her and our daughter and I'm so happy, we're so happy. I don't want to risk hurting them again."
A third, excitable voice came from her left. "Damn! I hope you speak more; this is good stuff!"
Paul's tone was warning. "Leon…"
Arizona laughed, this felt surprisingly good, despite the seriousness of her follow up comments. "I want to help others, to help them avoid making the same mistakes as I did. I'm lucky, so lucky that I've got a second chance with the woman I love and our amazing daughter. Every time I remember back to wanting to die, I think of my daughter and I'm repulsed, I become sick and I tear myself up inside…" She couldn't continue.
When the silence dwelled for longer than usual, Paul decided to open the floor. "Thank you for sharing Arizona, your journey sounds a painful one, I'm happy to hear you've come out the other side. Would anyone else like to introduce their selves and share their story?"
A 30-something year old man jumped out of his seat, clearly eager to comply with the request. "Totally, so I'm James, I was a firefighter. Lost my leg after some idiot decided to burn a building down for shits and giggles. I was pinned under a beam and it was either die or say bye bye to the ol' leg. Never knew what happened to it. It was flat as a pancake; they probably could have mailed it to me."
Arizona was slightly stunned, she was still a while away from being able to make jokes, she admired the guy. "Did you have to leave the fire service?"
"Ha! No chance! I worked my ass off, got it handed to me every day. But I told myself, had everyone else tell me, that I can still be a firefighter. And I am! I kick fire's butt every day." The blonde was captivated by his attitude. "I have to climb the odd tree to save a cat or two, but I pass the same tests other firefighters have to go through. Physical, mental, you name it. I'm bad ass."
That caused a shy, dimpled smile to form, enjoying the reference known only to her.
Paul smiled; he'd clearly heard the story before. "Of course James, thank you, anyone else?"
The first experience from a female followed. "I'm Janet, I've lived with a prosthetic since I was five, meningitis got me, whole left arm gone. I became a police officer; a general, on the beat police officer, which is what I always wanted to do. Firearms can sometimes prove tricky, but I've never let a perp escape, someone die, get in harms way or lost a case because I have a prosthetic. In some cases it distracts them so I can slam the handcuffs on before they've realised I've unhooked them from my belt,"
James clearly hadn't lost his thrill. "Right on sister!"
Dog tags started his story after the laughter died down. "I'm Tom, I was a medic in Iraq, you won't be surprised my amputations were a result of a bomb explosion. I guess I'm in the same situation as you, but I had a double amputation, albeit beneath the knee. I don't do frontline work for the army anymore, but that's more down to mental, than physical limitations. I run the ER department in Virginia Mason." He added the next part on as if it was no big deal. "And in the next couple of months I'm gonna start training for the Paralympics."
Arizona was being bombarded with a plethora of stories, emotions and outcomes. Everyone was so confident in sharing their story. Was that due to their general outlook, the support they had, how their amputation occurred or… or… was it a mix of everything? She didn't want to feel jealous on how quickly they had seemed to recover, but of course they were only sharing the outcomes, not the journey. She was hastily brought out of her thoughts with the next three words.
"Hi, I'm Mark-"
Arizona's eyes widened to the maximum.
Oh god…
"-I'm not doing as great at these guys, but I continue to come as they all inspire me. I lost both my arms and could just never get used to it. I couldn't adapt, I still struggle. It's been ten years and erm… yeah."
Paul's voice was kind, accepting. "Mark, remember everyone has their own journey. There is no timeframe, what is deemed as successful to one may not be to another, and vice versa. The fact that you're here, talking about your journey, sharing your experience, hell, that's huge. It takes courage."
Arizona couldn't turn her head away as the man, who she could only describe as dejected, continued. "Yeah erm, sure. So I had no one, I banished my parents from ever seeing me." She twinged; she had done the exact same. "This group has really helped, sometimes it hurts, and I feel jealous that these guys are where they at, which I feel bad about, but justified, you know?"
Oh yes, Arizona knew that feeling all too well. Out of the four survivors, she was the only one who had obvious external trauma. She shouldn't feel jealous of Lexie and Mark but there was a time she did. She nodded at his question.
James interjected. "We've all been there man, when we feel like we can't go on. I was an absolute mess when it happened and now look at me, I got married and welcomed three ridiculously cute and psychopathic children; you know those heelie shoes? They wheel around like demons; I reckon they know I can't keep up." He rested his hand on the sullen shoulder next to his. "You're a tough dude, we can all only take it step by step, and if I'm too perky for you, you can punch me with your robotic arm."
Dude? Perky? Heelies? You sure he's not Arizona Karev or Alex Robbins?!
"Thanks, as I said this group really helps, one day I'll get there."
Paul's smile continued to reassure her, and it looked like the whole group too. Before he could extend the offer further, the gruff voice of Jerry spoke up. "I didn't look after myself, I didn't want to go to PT or use a prosthetic, I just wanted to die. I worked for the coast guard and some drunk driver fucked it up. When we have newcomers like you Arizona, I like for them to take a look at me and realise I'm the shit heap you can become if you don't sort yourself out. It seems like you've got your head on though, so I'm glad my sorry excuse of an existence isn't needed to spur you into action."
Again, Paul had clearly heard this before. "Thank you Jerry, I know your journey has been tough for other reasons too, but your selfless nature has helped others. I heard from Jason a few days ago, said your pep talks with him really brought him out of his dark place. I'll pass you his number, you've made a difference Jerry, and you'll continue to make a difference, you're selfless, you're a good man."
There was an acceptive silence before Leon wanted the gossip. "Arizona, why did you only learn years later about your amputation? Surely you knew it wasn't your wife?"
A rueful shake of the head. "I never looked at my medical file, it was too hard, and Callie swore everyone to secrecy."
"Aw man, so we got a lesbian family full of doctors, with a third being the baby daddy, with hidden secrets that when exposed brought them back together...?"
Oh you only know the half of it.
She gave a small laugh. "I guess that's the crux of it."
"...Oh man, that's so cool, you're cool Arizona, awesome!"
And with that, Arizona fully settled, she felt like she had found her group, or certainly a group. Sure, it was a different crowd to what she'd expected in life, but then she never thought she'd be in a group of mum's at the school gate. Life changes.
The session continued much in the same vein. Everyone had a different story and it made her more thankful than ever that she'd come out the other side. She learnt there were the core few, mainly the ones who spoke up tonight, who all had the same goal - to show you can be a success story and/or to be an example of what not to become, as heartbreaking as that sounded. Arizona felt like she fit into both categories, which made her unique and hopefully an asset. She hung back for a bit after it ended and spoke with Tom the army medic, having links with Tim, her profession and her girlfriend's venture gave them a lot in common.
"So, how did it go?"
She got into Callie's car and buckled up. Before she answered she brought her in for another kiss, it was more passionate than the parting one. "It was good, it was amazing to hear other people's stories, kinda made mine look tame and insignificant."
Callie nodded as she started the car. "Ah, so surviving a plane crash, surviving four days on a mountain side, battling an infection, learning to walk again, to drive again, adapting to a new way of life overnight, regaining your ability as an amazing surgeon, tackling your mental health, completing a fellowship in double the time whilst continuing to be a great mother, mentor and surgeon? Yeah, I can see how your journey is insignificant."
"I was a shitty wife though."
Callie took her hand from the wheel and gave Arizona's a squeeze. "No more of that talk please."
"I love you, you know that?"
"I do, and I love you too. Do you think you'll go back?"
She nodded "I think so." She wanted Callie to be a part of this. "I'd like to introduce you to the group actually, if they're happy for me to and you'd be up for it. One was an army medic who suffered a double amputation. I told him about your project and he'd definitely be up for talking about his experience with you and Owen. I thought he's your target audience and as he's happy share his thoughts, it might be useful. He gave me his number."
Callie couldn't help the tears that formed and didn't particularly want to either, it was the first time she'd felt like Arizona supported, even cared about her work since the crash. And the fact she wanted to include her in her own healing journey too? It meant everything.
"That sounds amazing, thank you, I'll give him a call." As they came to a stop light, she turned her full focus onto Arizona. "Whatever route you decide to take honey, I'll be there." She scrunched her nose at an earlier discovery. "I'll have to bring my own coffee though, the diner's was worse than the stuff we get in the attending's lounge."
Dimples. Arizona knew it, she knows her girlfriend so well. God she needed to be her wife again.
"So, as Alex has Sofia for the night… why don't I take you home for beer and pizza?"
"And ice-cream?"
"And ice-cream."
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Whilst it had been an emotionally draining night, Arizona felt lighter the next day than she had in years. She was tired, no sexy time had taken place the night before, but she did jump Callie in the shower that morning, and again in the kitchen and was so close to dragging her into an on-call room before they found their selves at the nurses' station discussing a patient.
"So wait, she looked at Karev and said 'you're the person who's operating on my student?! What are you, like 12?!' Bet he loved that!"
Arizona laughed. "Yup! So he went back and said 'yeah I am, you must the person who's career as a piano teacher is dependent on how great this 12 year old surgeon is.' I was so proud."
Unbeknownst to the pair, they had been approached from behind.
"-and you must be the woman who's been screwing my friend."
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A/N - Who doesn't like a little cameo?