Rose POV

Ever since Dimitri received the invitation to attend the mass commemorating the date of Ivan's death he was hesitant whether he should go. I knew that he wanted to go and honor his friend and participate in the day to celebrate his memory. I also knew that against all odds he wanted to see all the people who were going to be there. But he was also very stressed about it.

I didn't want to persuade him to do anything, just let him make his own decision. I just indicated that I would be there for him regardless of his choice. So when he decided to accept the invitation, I went with him on a two-day trip to Ivan's hometown.

We traveled by car, and although usually, such trips of ours are full of relaxation, laughter, and banter, this time Dimitri was too tense for any conversation. After a few attempts, in which I obtained grunts at most, I gave up and simply let him focus on the road. He was consumed by emotion and the tension of the event ahead. He held the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white, so I put my hand on his shoulder. His muscles were tight as steel, but under my touch, he actually relaxed. Dimitri breathed deeply, releasing his grip on the steering wheel to clasp my hand tightly.

We arrived shortly before the mass started, so we sat in one of the last pews. A few people began to smile at Dimitri, and he responded to them only with solemn and respectful nods. The man next to him extended his hand to him, and as they shook, he said something in a whisper that sounded like "I'm glad you came".

During the mass, Dimitri was nothing but anxious. I could see how tense all his muscles were, and how he was clasping his hands nervously. His clenched jaws and sharp expression were enough for me to understand how he felt. I kept my hand on his shoulder, which seemed to relax him at least a little.

The priest began to mention Ivan, and Dimitri stopped breathing. I started drawing circles on his hand as a reminder that I was by his side. It was clear from the priest's story that Ivan was a kind, loving, and intelligent man, all of which I also knew from Dimitri. Once again, I regretted not having the chance to meet the man who had such a huge influence on my boyfriend.

After the mass, various friends of Dimitri began to approach us. Some attendees were from Russia, while others came from the States. But without exception, they all seemed friendly and happy to see Dimitri. Despite his haziness, Dimitri also seemed glad to see them, although as soon as someone mentioned Ivan his face hardened.

I didn't get the impression that Dimitri was judged for having a relationship with me. On the contrary, everyone was very keen to get to know me and treated him with great respect. Dimitri was happy to introduce me, but I couldn't ignore the tension in his demeanor. Despite the warm reunions, Dimitri seemed unable to fully engage, lost in his thoughts.

I tried to talk to him whenever we had a moment alone, but he brushed aside my questions about how he was feeling and whether everything was okay. He only admitted that it wasn't easy for him, but other than that he didn't want to talk about it. So we walked among the other guests.

The hardest challenge proved to be meeting Ivan's parents, although they were nothing but kind and considerate towards Dimitri. They hugged him and kissed him on both cheeks. They told him how happy they were about his return from being Strigoi to dhampir and that they couldn't wait to see him again. He, with a sincere smile, said that he missed them too. However, when he added that he missed Ivan as well, the mood slowly changed between us. Dimitri told me that Ivan's parents did not blame him for their son's death, but an unspoken question hung in the gaze of all three of them. If Dimitri had not left then, would Ivan be here with us?

Dimitri's face hardened, and his shoulders seemed to shrink. Ivan's mother's lip trembled as she tightened her hand tightly on her husband's shoulder. The tension between us was so thick that it could be cut with a knife.

"It was a beautiful ceremony, Mr. and Mrs. Zeklos," I broke the silence and everyone looked at me expectantly. "I am very sorry that I never had a chance to meet Ivan."

"Thank you, you are very kind," Ivan's mother replied, with evident sadness in her eyes.

"From what we've heard about you, he would also love to meet you," his father smiled sincerely, "The youngest royal guard, on top of that with such a rocking reputation."

"I'm just getting started," I replied, and they both laughed. The tension eased, although Dimitri continued to remain tense and sullen. Ivan's parents bid us farewell to go talk to other guests.

Before I had time to ask how he was doing, Dimitri excused himself, muttering that he would return shortly, and I was engulfed by a group of his friends. They were curious about our lives and our position at the Court so I answered in generalities. It wasn't long before the focus returned to Ivan as they began to tell me various stories related to him. Some I already knew, and some put Ivan in a new light, expanding his already interesting picture. I especially liked, of course, the stories in which Dimitri appeared at Ivan's side.

I also noticed that the more they told me about the deceased, the more relaxed they became. Some of them teared up, because of emotions and longing while recounting those bittersweet memories. Others shared what they think Ivan would want to do, what he would have liked, and what he wouldn't have been a fan of. But each story eased a little of the pain of those gathered, as if by recalling Ivan, they felt a semblance of his presence, keeping his memory alive within them.

Scanning the room for Dimitri, I hoped that he, too, was lost in conversation with others, coping with his grief. Unfortunately, I did not find him among the people. As I suspected, I found him standing alone over Ivan's grave, while others were gathering in groups in the middle of the church. I started walking toward him, thinking of this treacherous tendency to conceal his pain, even if it meant bearing it alone. Even if it wasn't good for him, he preferred to stand alone, lost in unrelieved pain, rather than share his feelings with others around him.

"Hey," I gently warned him that I was approaching. He lifted his gaze to me and I saw in his eyes all the anguish he felt. The muscles of his face were tight, his jaws clenched. It seemed to me that he was trembling slightly. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, hoping that this simple gesture would offer him some relief and comfort. It seemed to me that he breathed a slight sigh of relief when he put his arm around me.

Nestled against him, I reproached myself for being so hopeless at such things. Dimitri always knew what to say, and how to make me feel better. Even if it was some crappy zen master wisdom, he was never short of words for any occasion. And I didn't know what I could say to help him. You know that it's not your fault, right? That no one blames you for this? I'm so sorry. Everything seemed inadequate to me.

Dimitri exhaled deeply, and I felt his warm breath on my hair.

"Thank you for being here, Rose. You are literally the only thing keeping me in check at this ceremony," he strengthened his grip on my shoulders. I leaned back to look into his affectionate eyes. My fingers clenched the fabric of his shirt.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I desperately wanted to help him.

Dimitri hesitated, then looked at his friend's grave again.

"Would you mind staying with me for a little longer?" he asked. I hugged him tightly, giving him my answer.

We stood like that for some time, while Dimitri was deep into sad thoughts about Ivan, and I stood by his side ready to give whatever he would need to make him feel better. When I felt a warm kiss on my forehead and Dimitri pulled me toward the other mourners, I knew he was ready to join others.