Chapter 3

Following the murder of my taste buds was the tour I desperately needed of this mansion. Malenia was still holding me hostage, but at least it allowed me a chance to take in the sights from a much higher point of view while Ruby eagerly detailed every detail of every room they had entered.

For the most part, there didn't seem to be anything pointing to Miquella's madness other than the ungodly amount of art lined along the walls of the living room. They were all various paintings and trophies of battles won and lost, giving a more Greek mythology feel to the house. I could also see the occasional statue and vase, none of which I recognized, though Malenia made sure to mention them and the events they depicted. Turns out, Miquella was both the artist and collector. The pieces were so refined and masterfully crafted that I couldn't exactly mock his taste (though the less said about the many naked, very detailed depictions of men, the better for my conscience).

"And this hall is the living quarters!" Ruby chimed, gesturing at the hall Malenia had carried me through earlier. The maid led us down the hall, stopping before the first door on the right. Without knocking or caring about what may or may not be happening on the other side, Ruby opened the door, and the sight on the other side caused me to blink.

The room was, admittedly, the size of a hotel room—not too big and not too little. Despite the uncomfortable amount of red in the room, it was relatively normal. A bed, a dresser, a walk-in closet, a vanity, some weights in the corner, a yoga mat, and the two straight swords hanging over her bed...not the safest design, but who was I to judge when I used to sleep with a Glock under my pillow?

"This is Eddy's room! I come in every day to clean, but she mostly keeps the place spic and span by herself. She has club activities after school, so she's really only here after six. She also uses the gym often, so if you ever want a workout partner, she's your gal!" Ruby explained, most of it not being particularly interesting aside from the small detail that was a rat on her desk with a noose around its neck... Scary.

We dallied about for a bit longer before moving on to the next room.

Once again, without knocking or caring for privacy, she opened the door.

Much like Edelgard's room, the color scheme of the room practically bathed the room—blue this time. To my left was a shelf filled with books, ranging from classic literature, to fantasy, to non-fiction. A desk sat near the window, and a laptop was sitting comfortably on top, its screen glowing softly. In the center of it all was a four poster bed with the same blue silk canopy, and on top of it was the one who the room likely belonged to.

"Haven't I warned you multiple times to knock before entering someone else's room?" Vergil asked dryly, to which the maid sheepishly rubbed the back of her head.

"Oops, I forgot." Ruby apologized, bonking her head to increase that ditzy-anime-girl image.

Thankfully, we didn't stick around and moved on to the next room.

I didn't need to look at the label to know who's room this was.

It was, without a doubt, a madman's room.

There were papers, so many papers, taped to the steel door, most with big red letters clearly warning anyone that they were not welcomed. I didn't need to look at the actual contents inside to know I didn't want to know what was inside. Maybe that was the black in me speaking, but I'm sure the bitch in me was speaking much louder.

"This is Aizen-sensei's room. Ominous, I know." Ruby cheerily revealed, though her exuberance didn't make me want to meet this guy any more or less. "He doesn't really let anyone in, and the only time he leaves is to gather materials for his experiments. I've only been inside once...and was banned from ever entering again because I kiiiiiinda sooooorta tripped...and broke something important..." Her words trailed off, becoming quieter as she looked away bashfully while poking her fingers together. "I-it wasn't on purpose! I swear! It was just so cool and so bright that I got distracted and forgot where I was going and...and there was this cool sword on the wall that I really wanted to touch and...and..." She trailed off again, her head sinking as she convinced me that she was cute, not innocent of her crime.

I nodded mutely, believing her, but also making a note to never trust her to bring me coffee...or anything sharp.

"So, where's your room, Ruby?" I asked, and her face immediately lit up.

"Oh, I thought you'd never ask!"

We ended up skipping the other three rooms, mine included, and went to the room at the far end of the corridor. On the door was the maid's name in old English letters surrounded by thorns and rose petals. I had to wonder why it was so far down the hall, but I had a feeling asking would only lead to questions I probably didn't want answered, so I kept my mouth shut.

Much like the previous rooms, Ruby did not bother to knock before opening the door and revealing her own personal space.

There were clothes everywhere.

Not a single piece of furniture was visible, and not a single spec of space on the wall wasn't covered with anime posters. The only place that was even relatively clean was the desk currently set up with a PlayStation 4 of all things, but even then, the amount of disks I could see laying around and not in their case where they belong made the gamer in me want to pull out my hair. How someone can be so dirty when they are in charge of cleaning the house made as much sense as a veterinarian who forgets to feed their own dog.

*SLAM*

The door suddenly closed, leaving us in silence as Malenia and I stared at the back of the young dhampir. A moment passed before she turned robotically, her cheeks pink and her eyes closed as she rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

"Heheheh, whoops! Kinda, sorta forgot I haven't tidied up in a while. You, uh, just a moment, please!" With that, she zoomed inside and closed the door in less time than it would take one to blink.

Once again, my consort and I were left in silence, this time accompanied by the sounds of shuffling, crashing, and swearing.

After about five minutes, the door creaked open, and the dhampire stepped out. Her clothes were ruffled and her hair was slightly disheveled, but she otherwise looked none the worse for wear.

"Heheh, all done now." She stated proudly, spreading her arms to show her room that was now spotless. The walls and desk were devoid of any and all merchandise, and the floor was now free of any and all clutter. I could actually see the bed now, along with the gaming chair that had been hidden somewhere in the chaos.

The room itself was similar to Edelgard's, if not slightly more gothic and frilly in design. It gave high school goth girl vibes, which I didn't know whether it was such or just a style preference towards whatever a 'dhampir' was.

"You didn't have to take down the posters." I had to point out, to which she poked her fingers together piteously.

"I-I just didn't want you to think my room was too dorky. I, have to make a good impression, after all. It's the first time you've ever been in my room, Master Miquella." She admitted, to which I blinked.

"But I thought it was kinda cool...minus the mess." I admitted, remembering my otaku days fondly, even if they did bring up some rather...embarrassing times that included wearing cosplay in public in my everyday life.

"R-really?!" She beamed, her silver eyes sparkling as she jumped excitedly on the tips of her toes. "Does that mean we can watch some of my favorite anime together?! Can I show you my collection of Drag-so Ball characters?! How about games! Do you wanna play sometime? Oh, I just bought Bloodborne and multiplayer is super fun! I'm sure you'll really like it! What about-"

"Ruby." Malenia cut the girl's excitement short, making her jolt and stiffen while giving me the chance to finally process my thoughts without being drowned by her word vomit again.

"S-sorry, Master Miquella. I just got really excited and..."

"I-its fine. You don't have to apologize." I reassured her, but that didn't seem to put the poor girl at ease. If anything, she was becoming more flustered. "You said you wanted to play Bloodborne, right? I would be happy to play sometime! Um, whenever I have the time." I added to the end, not yet knowing if there were other responsibilities that I may or may not have needed to attend to.

Thankfully, my words had the desired effect, and Ruby was looking at me with sparkles in her eyes once again. "I would love that! Thank you, Master Miquella! You're the be-"

*CRASH*

The closet at the back of the room suddenly exploded, spilling out an avalanche of clothing, toys, furniture, posters, and other knickknacks.

And at the epicenter was a body pillow. The face was feminine with long locks of braided golden blond hair. His pecks weren't much to scoff at, with abs that looked too perfect to be real while his undergarments held a bunging weapon I knew I didn't have.

Trust me. I checked. Apparently, BWC wasn't on the list of priorities when whatever cruel god made this body.

"I-I-I-I-It's not what it looks like, I swear!" Ruby shouted, immediately scrambling into the pile and blocking the body pillow from our view with her body. Her eyes had turned into literal swirls, and her entire face was so red that steam could have been seen rising from her forehead.

"May I ask where you purchased that?" Malenia was the first to ask, not that I particularly cared 'where' she got it more than the 'why' she had it. She was a teenager, so it didn't take much to find the 'why'.

Ruby had a crush, that being the body I was currently occupying...

Now that I really thought about it, having the one you were crushing on find out you slept with a plastered portrait of them on your pillow had to be one of the most humiliating experiences to ever be put through.

"Y-Y'know what, how's about we go somewhere else?! My room is boring! Yep! Who wants to be in my dirty ol' room anyway! Ooh, I know! The GYM! It's really cool, I swear! Let's go now! Like, RIGHT NOW right now!" The maid pleaded, jumping from the pile and pushing us towards the exit while my twin spoke in protest.

"But I really want to know where you got the-"

"Less talking and more moving! We have places to NOT be! Specifically my room! Now move those long legs! The gym isn't gonna come to us!"

{•∆•}

"Aaaaaaand this is the gym!" Ruby announced upon opening a large set of doors to reveal a very expansive, very empty room. The room itself was the size of a football field, and like I said before, was very empty—like, there was nothing but walls and concrete flooring.

"Gym?" I questioned, and the maid nodded.

"More of a training ground, really. I know it looks plain on first glance, but wait until you see THIS!" The girl suddenly stepped a few feet into the room. A magic circle appeared beneath her feet before she loudly shouted 'training' and the room began to distort.

In seconds, the walls were replaced with various rock formations. A giant hole in the ceiling let the sun shine directly into the arena, and a forested landscape replaced the floor.

I stared in wonder at the change while Ruby turned to give us a white grin. "With just a thought, you can change the room into any environment you want! It was my idea, but Aizen-san is the one who brought it to reality. Pretty neat, huh?" I nodded absentmindedly, completely blown away by the display of magical wonder. "Oh! You wanna see the obstacle course?" She suddenly shouted, to which I suddenly became intrigued.

"Sure?" I said, to which the landscape changed once again. I immediately imagined a long stretch of dirt and a bunch of tires laying around much like the military, making me question the need for such a thing when it came to demi-gods, devils, and magically powered humans.

The reality wasn't exactly too far off the mark. The ground had sunk, and below was now a pool of water. The rocky area and forest were replaced with blue walls, floating floors, and platforms with various obstacles from monkey bars, to wall climbing, to zip lines, to bar hopping.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was an American Ninja Warrior course! Right in front of my very eyes! So! Fuckin'! COOL!

"This is our most popular course! We hold competitions once a week to see who can complete it the fastest, and the prize is always something great! Oh! Just last week we had to compete for a year's supply of strawberries. A week before, the winner got a one-week vacation in their room without being bothered. One time, the prize was a tailored suit, but most of us lost on purpose, which made Mr. Vergil upset for some reason. There was that armored bear stuffy toy Eddy really liked, and then there was that life-sized nude statue of a famous general named Radahn, but-"

"Th-those prizes sound a bit," I cut off, not knowing how I could say the word 'shitty' without sounding like a prick.

Ruby blinked, then smiled sheepishly. "W-well, each of us are responsible for providing a prize we think everyone will like. We try to come up with something good, but we tend to only get prizes that we personally like. But besides that, we all have fun, and that's what matters!" She giggled before I witnessed the moment an idea popped in her head. "Do you wanna try, Master Miquella?"

My eyes turned to stars, much like the ravenette. "YES!"

"Are you sure that is wise, Brother?" Malenia asked, and if I was in my right mind, I could have easily heard the worry in her voice.

"I've never been more sure in my life." I said resolutely, looking up to the woman holding me to give her a reassuring thumbs up.

Next thing I knew, I was on the starting platform, stretching my limbs and preparing for the greatest moment of my life. Malenia and Ruby hovered close by in some kind of floating platform, Ruby holding up two foamed fingers that each read '#1 Daddy's girl'...don't question it.

"Are you ready?!" Ruby shouted.

"Positive." I replied, bending down and placing my hands on the ground. The first obstacle was a long empty sprint to the actual course, which would be a cake walk. I didn't know whether or not I could complete the rest of the course, but this wasn't about winning or losing. It was about doing something I could never do in my own world! Unforgettable memory, here I come!

"Ready...set...GO!"

I took off in a sprint, crossing half the runway in only a few strides while a goofy smile split my face.

It was only the sudden arrival of a shadow that more than likely saved my life and allowed me to react in time to look up. I stopped almost on a dime before hopping back as far as I could. The area I had been standing on was completely obliterated as a massive iron block smashed through the wooden structure, the chain at the end of it rattling momentarily before straightening.

I could only stare as the weapon slowly retracted towards the ceiling before the giant iron revealed itself once again. A big, angry face met my goofy smile, it's mouth open and its eyes glaring at me as it returned to the ceiling from whence it came.

I stared unflinchingly as it hung ominously in the air before looking down at the hole it had created.

Splinters of wood floated in the water, making sweat drip from my face in pools as I imagined my floating corpse. Slowly, my head creeked towards the floating platform holding my companions, who looked unfazed by my near-death experience. In fact, Ruby was jumping up and down as if what had just happened was impressive.

"That was a perfect dodge, Master Miquella! Keep going! It only gets harder from here!"

"..."

I was still processing the fact I had literally been a centimeter away from being a pancake, so her words went in one ear and out the other.

Scary!

Why was this suddenly so scary!

I thought this was supposed to be a fun American Ninja warrior course, not some fucked-up Deadman Wonderland death run! If that thing had hit me, then godly body or no, I would have been killed! My mind would go back into that purgatory and...and...

I suddenly did not want to play anymore.

"Keep moving, Master Miquella! The reaper will spawn soon!"

...Huh?

The rattling of chains behind me had me looking over my shoulder. To my horror, a shadowy figure emerged from the ground. Humanoid in appearance and black smoke for a body, the massive scythe it held in both hands began to spin, it's red, glowing eyes landed on me as if began shredding the platform towards-

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. As scared as I was, I turned and launched myself over the hole, landing on the other side before taking off like a bat out of hell. I didn't stop even as multiple thwomps fell from the ceiling to flatten me, nor when the platform obliterated, leaving only the reaper trailing behind me. It was an instinctual need to survive that had me moving, continuing on even when I reached the floating monkey bars.

I grabbed the closest bar and began my desperate trek across, not caring about technique, only speed.

Before I even got to the third grip, something smashed into my side so hard that I momentarily saw stars. My body was sent cartwheeling through the air as I fell the entire 50-foot drop into the pool below.

I did not flail, nor did I attempt to swim back to the surface. In fact, it wasn't necessary at all, because my body floated to the surface on its own while I remained motionless, rethinking my life and what led me to this moment.

Not long after, I was fished out of the pool, quite literally. A hook caught onto my robes before I could sink any deeper before reeling me in and out of the water. I dangled in the air like a worm on a hook as the Lakitu I would later recognize laid me on my face right in front of my supposed 'comrades'.

"Th-that wasn't so bad, Master! You almost got further than I did on my first try!" Came Ruby's attempt at comfort, yet I was too dazed to even think up a reply.

"That was impressive." Malenia also complimented, though it meant dick when I knew she would call me handsome even if I was a roach on the sole of her foot.

I slowly pushed myself to a seiza, the world spinning around me before I could feel something being slipped onto my head. I blinked away the blur, finding that the maid had been the culprit.

"What is this?"

"It's a crown! For officially completing your first time on the course! Everyone gets it, but the further you go, the better the prize!" She cheered while I took the crown into my hands to observe. It was plastic, which would explain the weight. It was gold and in the shape of a stereotypical King's crown that kids typically got as the birthday boy/girl at Chuck E. Cheese. Despite how childish it was, I was too stuck on the words embedded on the sides in glitter.

'Participation Award! You Did Your Best!'

My brain short circuited.

I could not explain why, but the words brought an uncontainable sense of shame and anger.

Without a word, I stood up and made my way to the edge of the platform. I could hear Ruby calling my title, but I ignored her as I jumped from the platform to land on the starting line 10 feet down. Thankfully, my demi-god legs withstood the impact, but the pain was still there, forcing a grimace on my face as I realized that was probably the dumbest thing I had done since my awakening.

Nevertheless, I got into a runner's stance as I prepared to make my mad dash once again.

"M-Master Miquella! It's too soon to try again! The course-" I cut off the rest of the dhampir's words and became laser focused on the task in front of me. If they thought that was my best, then they didn't even know the word! I'll show them! I'll show them both!

With that thought, I kicked off, my legs moving at top speed as I aimed to clear the distance before the Thwomps could smash me into the ground. In no time, I passed the area where the first Thwomp had nearly turned me to paste. There was no sound of splintering behind me, but I chopped it up to me moving so far out of the kill zone that I just didn't hear it. The monkey bars were only a few steps away now and I could-

Something crashed into my chest, and I felt my bones rattle in protest before I was sent flipping across the ground several feet back to land on my face.

I lay there for a moment, the wind knocked out of my sails. Slowly, I pushed myself onto my knees and stared at the ground with my hands still planted to keep me upright. Before I could even think about exactly what had hit me, the floor below gave, and I was weightless once more as I fell screaming.

I found myself on my face once again before the made and consort, soaking wet yet again and my pride damaged.

"Th-those sonic blasts can't really been seen by the naked eye. I-I tried to tell you that the course changes, but I don't think I was loud enough..." Ruby said somberly, the guilt evident in her tone even when it was my own pride and stupidity that caused my own downfall.

Nevertheless, I stood to my feet once more, went to the edge, ignored every protest from my maid, and hopped back onto the area. My pride would not allow me to give up until I at least made it past the monkey bars, and I would die on this hill if I had to! Believe THAT!

Well, to make a long story short, I failed.

Turns out, there were over 254 different courses, so memorizing any previous course was simply redundant. I could be preparing myself to duck down in time to dodge the invisible sonic boom, then get completely smashed by the Thwomps that was eight meters further than where I remembered it. I could go slow, but then a flamethrower would appear behind me out of nowhere to set my ass on fire and force me down into the pits below.

And it wasn't just the traps either. The entire layout of the course even changed two or three times in my 27 attempts. On one particular run, the platforms turned to sand, and I was forced to climb up a slope of sand that kept sending me back to the beginning. In another, the platforms turned to ice, making me slip and slide my way into giant metal balls that were definitely paid actors.

The worst one by far was the dark room. Couldn't even see five feet in front of me! And what made it so much worse and nightmare-inducing was the fact the reaper would pop up at random and with a swing that immediately sent me into the shadow realm below. Hell, at that point, the Lakitu decided to stop saving me, leaving me to swim to a nearby platform containing a magic circle that would send me back to the beginning just so I could fail again.

After the 27th failure, I was broken both mentally and spiritually. I had been reduced to a shivering, sniffling mess, hugging my knees to my chest as I rocked back and forward. The platform holding the two spectators had lowered, and Ruby came to envelop me in a hug.

"It's OK, Master Miquella. You did your best." She spoke soothingly, which only made me want to shed actual tears. If this was all I could amount to on a training field, then I couldn't even imagine what trials awaited me in this new, very real world.

A/N: Fun fact, I did not know what the word 'consort' meant before writing this story, which is kinda how it came to be. At first, the OC was meant to go months without realizing he had basically proposed to Malenia, making this a romantic comedy. But I scrapped that idea because...well, It didn't fit well with the plans I had for future, and I'd always hated the oblivious trope.

Like before, a little humor to get to know the other characters before we go into finding the Elden Ring, and exactly who is holding them.

Nothing to say for this chapter, so as always, don't forget to follow, fav, review, and have a DAMN good day!