Chapter 12 - Double Cross
Lucy
9 Month Probationary…
"Alright, that is it for today's announcements. Everyone have a great shift," Grey said, bringing roll call to a close. Just as I started to stand, Grey turned towards me. "Chen, you need to stay behind."
Jackson and John's worried glances matched my own, but I forced a smile and shrugged it off. They wished me luck as they left, Tim coming to stand at my side, his pensive expression doing nothing to make me feel any better.
Just then, the door to the briefing room opened and in walked Commander West, from Internal Affairs.
"Sir, why is Internal Affairs here?" I asked in a whisper, Grey's expression only making my nerves increase.
Commander West looked at everyone in the room before his eyes landed on me last. Jackson was one of my best friends and I had been to several dinners both at restaurants and at their home, but right now, now…I knew I was facing the man that no cop wanted to face on the job.
"Commander West," I greeted.
He actually looked as if it had pained him to have to be standing here in front of me. "Officer Chen. I am afraid at this time; you are being pulled from patrol pending a full conduct investigation."
Tim stepped forward. "Hold on, wait a second. A conduct investigation into what?"
West looked over at Tim. "Sergeant Bradford, this does not concern you."
"With all due respect, Sir, that is my Boot you are going to be investigating, and as her T.O. and commanding officer, I do have a right to know," Tim argued.
West looked over at Grey who nodded in agreement. "Alright." He looked from Tim back to me. "There has been reports that your undercover efforts into some of L.A.'s largest drug operations and cartel is not completely for undercover purposes."
"This is ridiculous," Tim commented crossing his arms over his chest.
"Tim," Grey warned.
"What? Are you trying to tell me that you think Lucy is a dirty cop?"
West pursed his lips. "That is what we need to get to the bottom of." West glanced at me. "I need you to come with me, Officer Chen for questioning."
"As soon as her union representative is present, as this could lead to discipline," Tim pointed out.
"Which is on the way," West replied.
"Then, until they arrive, Officer Chen will remain here." There was a challenge in Tim's voice that even though he was speaking to someone whose position was far greater than his, he did not seem to balk at the thought.
"Tim's right," Grey spoke up coming to stand on the other side of me. "We will ensure that Officer Chen remains here and has no access to any networks or makes any unsupervised phone calls."
West looked to all of us, before he nodded. I will be back as soon as your union rep has arrived."
"Um, who is my union rep?" I asked, once Commander West left the room.
Tim let out an exasperated breath. "Smitty."
"Smitty?" My face had to show the sheer panic in my expression. "He's useless."
"We know," Grey answered. "Which is exactly why your T.O. just had your back in the manner he did."
I shot Tim an appreciative smile. Once again, he was proving to always have my back.
"We need to figure out exactly what it is they think they have and where these allegations are coming from. We need to look over your undercover work to see if anything stands out," Tim suggested.
"Good. I'll go and see if there is anything I can find out about the investigation," Grey said.
"What do we do?" I asked Tim, once Grey left the room.
He crossed his arms over his chest. "I need you to think. Is there anyone from your undercover work that would hold a vendetta against you?"
"No, and you were there. It's the same players that you knew about. Why would they just target me?" I asked.
"Maybe it has something to do with the contact that you and Isabel met with," Tim pondered.
It had been more than a month since Tim, and I finished the undercover mission that took out Jimmy's crew and got Armando Calderon arrested.
"Oh, no…"
Tim's head snapped in my direction. "What?"
Before I could respond, the door to the briefing room opened, both Grey and West walking back in with Smitty standing just outside.
"Your union rep has arrived," West informed. "We need you to come with us."
I glanced at Tim's whose silent but firm message said everything would be ok, even though I could see the worried expression in those blue eyes of his. I broke the eye contact first, once I reached the briefing room door as I followed Commander West to where we took all of our suspects that we wanted to question.
As I entered the room and took the seat across the way, I couldn't help but think how many times I had been in this room but now I was on the opposite side. The more intimidating factor was that I knew Tim wasn't on the other side to back me up.
Commander West launched into a series of opening statements including that I was currently not under arrest, but that this was questioning into allegations that were made against me.
"Do you wish to speak to me?" West asked.
I turned to Smitty who shrugged. "Your call, kid."
He was absolutely no help whatsoever. If Tim was here, he would warn me to be careful but get enough information to find out what it is they had against me. If I refuse to talk to Commander West, then there was no chance of trying to stay ahead of whatever it was this is.
"Yes," I answered.
"How many undercover assignments have you participated in?"
Already out of the gate I felt the first question was designed to be a trick one. "One, sir."
"This was the assignment that former undercover narcotics officer, Isabel Bradford brought to you, correct?"
I nodded.
"And how familiar were you with the players?"
"I had some familiarity. The month before I had been a part of the raid that brought down the Quintero family. Isabel Bradford briefed me on the rest before the operation."
He leaned back in his chair, crossing his hands over his waist. "Does that include Wade Jones?"
I made sure to show no emotion in my expression. This has been the exact concern I was worried about just before Commander West had taken me into the interrogation room.
"I knew of him," I said carefully. "His name ranks high in the drug world. With the Quintero family out, it looked as if almost every drug dealer or cartel was making a play for his spot."
West nodded as if agreeing with my assessment, but I knew it couldn't be that easy.
"So, you never worked with Wade Jones before?"
I shook my head left and right automatically. "No." Which was the truth. I had never worked with Jones before including under any undercover assignment.
"So, you've never made any drug deals with Mr. Jones?"
I knew the most important thing here was the way in which he worded his question. If he asked me if I had made any deals with Jones before, I wouldn't be able to lie based on the circumstances of Tim and I being in the hotel room the day we found out Jones was holding Isabel hostage. However, in this case, the key here was asking if I made any drug deals, which I knew I had not, and never would.
"No, I would never. And anything I do in my undercover work is always within the letter of the law," I replied.
I could see something shift in his gaze at my last response. He very much looked like a shark circling the water, trying to determine his best vantage point before attacking its prey.
"You have never sold drugs?"
"No."
"You have never kept any of the money handed over from drug deal?"
I tried not to let the questions hit me personally, even though they very much attacked my character and integrity. "No. And Ti—Sergeant Bradford was the one to go to swap the product for the money when the team raided Armando Calderon's compound."
"And if I did a search of your apartment, I wouldn't find anything that I'm not supposed to find?" West asked.
My eyes opened wide, my mouth falling slightly open. "Are you searching my apartment?"
Commander West didn't even flinch. "We are searching through your property, which we can expect to come through any moment."
I glanced over at Smitty, who still didn't even seem bothered or concerned that this was going to happen. Commander West had been disingenuous in the level of the investigation they were completing. This wasn't just some question to what everyone knew was a bogus allegation, but a full on IA investigation.
"Am I under arrest?" I asked.
Commander West's demeanor shifted. "Not at this time."
I stood from my chair, my palms flat against the table. "Then I have cooperated as much as I can. Unless you are planning on charging me, then I'm leaving this room."
"Officer Chen?"
I stopped once I reached the door and looked over my shoulder at him. "I think it goes without saying, that you are currently on administrative leave at this time. Do not leave the area."
The look and note in his voice told me he really believed he was going to find something that would refute everything I had just explained to him. I couldn't describe how much the notion that he would believe I was a dirty and crooked cop had hurt. I had to prove my innocence, and I needed my friends to do it.
Tim
Grey returned to the briefing room minutes after Commander West took Lucy away for questioning. Already it was Grey, myself, Lopez, and Harper.
"I couldn't get anything out of the detectives," Harper said. "Likely they know I have some relationship with Lucy and are keeping it hush-hush."
"Same," Lopez added. "I have called in every favor I have, but they're keeping it close to the vest."
We all turned to Grey. Working as many years with the man as I have, I can tell when his expression is far from pleased.
"They just submitted a warrant to search Chen's apartment," he disclosed.
"For what?" I asked outraged.
"They believe that Lucy is a dirty cop. They believed based on the source of their information that the allegation is credible and they're going to find evidence there," Grey answered.
"That's ridiculous," said Lopez.
"I agree," remarked Harper. "There is no way that Lucy is a dirty cop."
"Look, I agree with you all, but the facts remain that unless we find out what's really going on here, Lucy could be in some real trouble," Grey noted seriously.
Lopez turned to me. "Do you think Laura could help?"
I had come to the same thought myself. Generally, as a fed, they could take charge in their jurisdiction, involving themselves in any matter of their choosing, including an IA investigation.
I pulled out my cell phone and scrolled down to her contact and hit call. "We'll find out," I said as I walked a little away from the group to take the call.
"Hey babe, yes, I still am planning to come down this weekend," Laura said when she picked up the phone.
I exhaled. "Yeah, that's not why I called."
"What's wrong?" she asked immediately, hearing the tension and worry in my voice.
"Lucy is in trouble, and I need your help."
"Ok, I'll see what I can do. What's going on?"
I relayed everything that we knew thus far regarding the investigation into Lucy.
Laura let out a long sigh, and I didn't even need to hear the words to know what she was going to tell me.
"Tim, I can't just go and involve myself in a IA."
I tried to bite back some of my frustration. "You're the FBI, that is all that you guys ever do."
"That's not fair and you know that." She lost some of her spunky and easy-going note in her voice.
I had to try to approach this from a different angle. "Laura, someone is trying to frame Lucy because of her involvement in her undercover work. Unless we do something about it, she could very well be in some serious trouble."
"I understand Tim, and I want to help. What you are asking me to do can cause some serious ruffles between the FBI and your department."
"I don't care." I could hear how wild my voice was, which sounded nothing like me.
I could hear the slight tsk in her voice at my response. "I know you are upset, so I'm gonna try to ignore that your last statement doesn't have some serious impact to my own job."
"Laura—"
"No, Tim. I am sorry about Lucy, I am. I know as her T.O. you feel as if you have some responsibility towards her, but what you are asking me to do could have ramifications to my job that I just can't afford."
"Yeah, got it," I replied deadpan.
"Tim—"
"I got to go," I interjected, hanging up the phone.
As I joined the group, Nolan and Jackson were already there, their worried faces matching everyone else in the room.
"Well?" Lopez asked.
I shook my head. "The FBI isn't interested in getting involved."
"We have to do something," Nolan pushed.
"We're working on it. In the meantime, you guys can go help the front desk while we work on this," Harper suggested.
Nolan shook his head adamantly. "No." All of our brows shot up at a rookie defying our order. Nolan had enough sense to look remorseful. "Sorry, it's just that Lucy's our friend too. We want to help."
We all looked to Grey. "Fine. The more hands the better so we can get this resolved. But—" he looks at each of us before adding, "—you do this by the book, and you don't do anything that gets yourselves or this department in trouble."
We all agree, before Grey asked to be kept in the loop on any new developments before he left the briefing room.
A few minutes later, Lucy came back in the room, looking more unsure and worried than when she last left.
"You, ok?" Nolan immediately asked.
She shook her head as she looked at me and came to stand next to me.
"What happened?" I asked.
"It's not good," she replied. "Smitty was useless."
"Yeah, I am pretty sure when this is over and you are cleared of all of these ridiculous charges, I am going to consider running to become the next union rep," Nolan said.
"That would be great," Lucy exclaimed.
"Not important," I interrupted impatiently. "What happened?"
"They believe I am a dirty copy. Based on the questioning, this seems to be about Wade Jones," she replied, looking directly at me on the last part.
I wasn't surprised that Harper immediately picked up on the look. Lopez's jaw clenched, while Nolan and Jackson looked at each other as if they knew they were being kept out of the loop.
"What am I missing?" Harper asked. "Does this have to do with the Calderon takedown?"
Lucy nor I immediately said anything, Harper instantly realizing it wasn't the case and that Lopez knew something she didn't. The moment I looked at Jackson, his face hardened.
"I am not going to do anything against Lucy," he said, guessing my hesitation.
"Your dad is the one spearheading this investigation. He could call you and Nolan for questioning because of your friendship."
"He wouldn't do that," Jackson defended.
"He may not have a choice. We could all be questioned," Lopez said matter-of-factly.
"Guys, that's not the worst part," Lucy chimed in.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"They are getting a search warrant—"
"Yeah, Grey told us," Harper said.
Lucy shook her head aggressively. "Guys, I'm worried. I'm really worried. It's likely they're going to find something that should never have been there."
"What do you mean?" Harper asked.
"Commander West all but made it seem his confidence in the tip that I am keeping all this damning evidence in my home," she answered.
"That's actually quite insulting. You're smarter than that," John remarked.
Lucy shot her friend and appreciative smile.
"I don't like this. It's too messy," Harper commented.
"If what you think is right, then the first thing we need to do is get you out of here," Lopez said.
"What? She can't leave," Jackson protested.
"Lopez is right," Harper chimed in. "If someone is after Lucy, the last thing that should happen is if she gets put in lockup. It's bad enough being a cop, but if someone is this powerful on the outside is able to do this, you're as good as dead if you get locked up."
"Comforting," Lucy said sarcastically.
"We're not going to let that happen," I said firmly.
Lucy looked at me, her one simple glance telling me how much trust and faith she was placing in me to figure this out and protect her.
"Jackson and I can take her," Nolan offered.
"No, I will do it," I interjected, a note of finality in my voice.
"No offense sir, but as her T.O. you're the likely first person they will suspect in her disappearance," Nolan argued.
"He's right," Lopez agreed. "Besides the three of us being here can do more to protect Lucy."
As much as I didn't like it, they were both right. They would suspect that as her T.O. I might be more inclined to want to protect her. I was no good to Lucy if I was under investigation as well.
That didn't mean I liked her being trusted to the care of two other rookies, one of them looking as if he wanted to crap his pants for even going against his father that he so desperately wanted his approval. Jackson could tell by my look those were my exact thoughts.
"We'll protect her. We won't let anything happen to Lucy," Jackson confirmed.
"Then you guys need to get out of here now, before you lose your window," Harper pressed.
Lucy glanced back at me briefly, a million messages floating between us, before I broke the contact and remembered time was of the essence.
I cleared my throat. "You better go."
Lucy nodded.
I turned back to John and Jackson. I repeated the address Lucy, and I used at our last undercover assignment—the safe house.
"Go there," I instructed. "I will have someone meet you there before you move to a more secure location until we get this sorted out."
"Understood," John acknowledged.
"Go!" Lopez emphasized.
A sad smile formed on Lucy's lips before a look of peace and determination fell over her and she walked out of the room.
Lucy
"I thought we said to stay in the car until we cleared the house," John exclaimed, lowering his weapon as he and Jackson came back through the living room of the safe house.
I holstered my own gun back on my hip. "I'm a cop, I don't need to be babysat," I replied, shutting the front door behind me. "Or at least for now, I still am."
"Don't think like that," Jackson admonished. "You will see that the truth will come out that you are being set up and everything will get sorted out."
"One could hope." I moved to sit down on the couch. "Even if I get fully vindicated, I'm still a rookie and the ramifications of this could severely impact my ability to get promotions going forward."
John moved back to the front of the house peeking behind the curtains. "Let's not worry about that right now. The only thing we need to focus on is ensuring you're safe and clearing your name."
"Speaking of, why would this Jones wanna put evidence in your house and frame you as a dirty cop?"
I trusted both John and Jackson with my life, but I was still going to keep some of this information close to my vest since it had to do with Tim's own personal life.
"Jones was at the raid at the Calderon house. He saw me there. With both Quintero and Calderon out of the game now, he slides right in to take control. The last thing he needs is any undercover cops infiltrating his business," I replied.
John looked back. "I get that, but how did he even know you were a cop to begin with? According to Harper, the operation was a success."
I sighed. "Our first month on the job Tim and I went out trying to capture outstanding warrants, and Jones was one of them. Tim and I had done some canvassing and talked to a few people, and it's possible that what we know now with him being extremely connected that someone could have reported back to him that we were asking questions," I explained.
John and Jackson nodded in understanding, even though I had left out the reason had been because of the deal we made in order to save Isabel.
"So, who is this person that Tim is supposed to be sending?" Jackson asked.
There was a soft knock on the front door. All three of our heads turned in that direction.
"I think we're about to find out," John remarked.
John unholstered his gun and kept it right at his side, while Jackson and I kept our hands directly on our guns ready in the event we needed to take immediate action.
"It's Isabel," John announced when he looked through the peephole, his tone conveying his surprise.
Jackson and I relaxed as John re-holstered his gun, and opened the door, so Isabel could enter.
"I was told this is where the party would be at," Isabel said, stepping into the room.
"Tim called you?" I asked.
She nodded, her eyes specifically on me. "He thought with my history and knowing of Jones's organization, I would be the best to help."
"You worked undercover in Jones operation?" John asked.
Isabel looked over at him. "Not his organization, specifically, but I ran with people who were pretty high up in his command that gives me a little bit of knowledge here."
"Why is he targeting Lucy?" Jackson asked.
I could see why Isabel was regarded so highly in her undercover work. Even now, no longer a cop and recently sober, her skills at keeping calm and being able to think on her feet while not giving anything away was impressive. I noticed her quick glance at me that said she knew the exact reason why, but like I had done earlier, kept that quiet for now.
"It's likely my CI who pointed us to Lucy's undercover operation with Jimmy may have said something. Whatever the reason, we will get to the bottom of it." Isabel turned to me. "We have to get you out of here first. If they take you in, your safety and chances of them actually furthering the investigation dwindles." Isabel turned to Jackson with a sympathetic look. "No offense."
Jackson tucked his hands in his pockets. "I'm used it by now when your father is the head of I.A."
"For what it's worth, your dad was always nice to me and treated this compromised junkie cop fairly," Isabel said.
Jackson offered her a nod of respect. "Thanks."
Isabel turned back to me. "I got us a fresh ride and Tim had me grab some clothes. I did my best to get some that I think you would like since I can't go to your house directly."
"Thanks."
"How long is Lucy going to have to be on the run?" John asked.
Isabel licked her lips, but her expression said it all. There was a sadness and a look of uncertainty there. The same way they tell U.C.'s that you could be on a job for a considerable amount of time away from loved ones and friends depending on the size of the operation.
"I can't say. But with all of you, Tim, Harper, and Lopez working around the clock, I am sure they will clear Lucy's name in no time," she replied optimistically.
"Wait, we're going with you," John corrected.
Isabel shook her head. "You can't. You have to get back to the station. Away any longer and you could be implicated with Lucy's disappearance."
"That doesn't matter—"
"John," I interjected quietly. "I appreciate everything you and Jackson have done, but Isabel is right. There is no need to put yourselves in further trouble on my account. Just find out how to clear my name."
"Besides, I don't have a badge to get taken away any longer," Isabel joked.
The sound of an engine outside put all of us on high alert. John moved back towards the front of the house and pulled back the curtain.
"It's Tim. What is he doing here?"
Why was Tim here? The whole point of John and Jackson was because they would likely suspect Tim if had come with me…and yet, here he was.
My eyes looked up to the front door, the moment he entered the room. There was a determination and pensive expression on his face as his eyes flickered towards me.
"You two need to get back to the station," Tim ordered.
"But Sarge—"
"It's an order," Tim said more firmly. "As Lucy's friends they are going to want to question you and if you stay here any longer, they will suspect something."
"The warrant?" I asked stepping forward.
Tim grimaced with a nod of his head.
I swallowed slowly. "What did they find?"
Tim exhaled. "Money, guns, drugs, and a log of all your dealings."
"That's a lot of effort to make me a dirty cop," I said.
"It is," Tim confirmed. "There is an official warrant out for your arrest."
My eyes fell to the floor.
"There has to be something we can do," John remarked.
"There is. You two get back to the station before they finish their interviews with Harper and Lopez. It's enough time for you to come in from your supposed development day," Tim answered.
"We will get you out of this," John promised.
I lifted my head, offering a sad smile. "I know."
Jackson marched over to give me hug, squeezing tightly. "I promise you; I will make sure my dad doesn't just accept this and keeps looking," he whispered.
"Thanks," I said softly.
Jackson released me, and him and John left the safe house.
"I'll go get the car," Isabel announced, looking between Tim and me. She stopped when she was only a few feet from Tim, her eyes trained on the front door. "We only have a few minutes."
I looked from her to him, before his eyes met mine as the door shut behind Isabel.
"A few minutes for what?" I asked.
"For you to leave with Isabel. Some place off grid that we made sure West or no one else will find you until we can get this sorted out," he answered.
I raised a brow. "You're not coming then?" I asked, trying to hide some of the disappointment from my voice.
I don't even know why I was disappointed. We both knew that he couldn't come, and he was better off working with Harper and Lopez to find a way to clear my name. That still didn't mean I wasn't disappointed that I didn't have my partner with me. Not that there was anything wrong with Isabel, it's just…well, she just isn't Tim.
"I can't," he replied, his response tight. He stepped closer. "We will get you out of this, Lucy. I promise you."
My smile felt braver than I felt in that moment, but I knew without a doubt that Tim would move heaven and earth to clear my name.
"Thanks," I said, our gazes locking.
There was this feeling, a grip on my heart that tightened, even though I managed to keep my face neutral. Neither one of us had wanted to address the elephant in the room. What if they couldn't clear my name. What if I couldn't go back to the way my life had been just twenty-four hours ago... what if I could never put on the uniform again? What if I never got to ride with my partner again. What if…what if, I never saw Tim after this moment again.
My eyes snapped up at the slightest movement in front of me; Tim's glance over his shoulder as he looked at the door. We both knew the time was up and I had to go. Go…if I still wanted my freedom.
Why did it already seem as if I lost?
Tim sighed as he turned back towards me, his expression filled with sorrow as he looked at me.
"You need to go," he declared regretfully.
No matter how much I wished it, I couldn't stop this. I couldn't stop time.
I stepped forward, Tim's eyes watching my every movement, the space closing between us. There was one thing I had to know before I left this safe house.
"Tim…"
"You'll be ok. Your strong. I promise," he interjected.
"I need to ask you something?" I continued.
"Lucy…"
My name…it held so much in just that one word. I could hear pain mixed in there and it only pushed for me to want to ask my next question. The shipping container, Carla kidnapping me, the raid…
"You are doing this…for me…you could lose your job. You career. Everything you worked so hard for. Everything you love. Why?"
I slowly lifted my head to meet his gaze head on his ocean blue eyes staring back at me.
"You know why," he said so earnestly as he leaned into me.
I felt my own body shift closer as if it just instantly knew what to do on its own. I wasn't sure. I guessed, maybe even hoped, but I didn't know. I could feel heat rising up my spine towards the back of my neck, my bottom lip dropping open as my breath quickened at his wistful glance.
I couldn't be imagining this anymore. There had to be something…something that I think had been there from the start and had just been growing overtime. This pull that I knew we both had to be feeling based on the fact that our own bodies seemed to shift on their own. Calling out for the other as if it just felt right.
Felt like home.
Before I could do anything, he stepped back his expression devoid of any emotion.
"Go, Lucy."
There was so much I wanted to say, but I knew Tim only cared about my safety in this moment. He was closing himself off to once again do what he felt he must to protect me. If I managed to clear my name…I would get my answers.
I gave him one last look before I started towards the door. When my hand reached the handle, I hesitated, and half turned back. He was putting so much at risk for me and he needed to know, even if only…even if I can only convey it with a single word.
"Tim?"
He turned to look at me.
"Thanks," I said softly trying to convey all of my appreciation for his care and support before I forced myself to leave without looking back.
"You ready to go?" Isabel asked once I hopped into the old blue truck she had secured for us.
I closed to door, briefly glancing back at the safe house. "Yeah."
Isabel nodded; shift the gear from park to drive as she slowly pulled away from the safe house.
She handed me a hat. "Here, put this on," she said.
I took the white hat from her hands, pulling my hair from my ponytail, letting my longer locks fan out around my shoulders as I securely placed the hat on my head, hiding my facial features.
"Where are we going anyway?" I asked.
Isabel turned away from the neighborhood making a turn towards the highway.
"Tim has an old military buddy who has a small cabin in the woods. Completely off grid. There is no reason anyone would ever suspect that you would be there."
I looked back out the window as the last of the residential area was behind us. I loved this city. I loved my job and getting up everyday so I could get dressed in my uniform and help people. Now, I was going to have to hide out in some cabin while all my friends tried to clear my name. It didn't settle well with me that they were putting their possible careers and lives on the line while I was just going to go and hide out somewhere.
"It has to be this way. You know that, right?"
I could see Isabel's reflection in my own window looking at me as I tore my gaze away to look at her.
I exhaled. "I know. I just have never been any good at doing nothing."
Isabel nodded in understanding. "I wasn't either. I think it's why I liked the idea of U.C. work to begin with," she admitted. It was silent for a minute. "Listen, I know it's hard being regulated to the sidelines, but your safety is most important."
"I can take care of myself," I mumbled.
Isabel let out a laugh. "Oh, I know." She turned onto the freeway entrance. "You were an absolute natural in that undercover operation. You are way better than I ever was."
My eyes opened wide. "You can't be serious?"
Isabel nodded. "Oh, I am. I can see why Tim is so protective over you."
I turned in my seat to face her. "Protective?"
She looked at me through a side-eye glance. "It's rare that a rookie is as good as you are both on patrol and undercover in such a short period of time. I am not saying that you know everything and that you couldn't benefit from having a T.O., but I think a little part of him knows that with your skills, you don't really need him," she explained.
I wasn't going to lie that there had been many days and weeks I had thought about the day when I could finally be on my own and make my own decisions, but that also meant that Tim and I would likely not ride together anymore. Despite his annoying tests, grouchy moods, and inability to talk anything personal in the shop, I was starting to look at us more like partners than rookie and T.O.
"You know why."
Those words and the way he was looking at me just before I had left the safe house, I had been imagining that he was trying to tell me that he might be feeling something for me too. I really wanted to believe it, but it didn't make sense for him too. He was extremely talented, accomplished, and smart. I was just a rookie.
The way he had stepped closer towards me, his head looking down causing me to have to tilt my head back, those blue eyes of his piercing into my own. I could feel my heart beating faster, my pulse thumping, and the blood coursing through my veins. All I had to do was just lean in and kiss him, but…
But there was Laura.
I could never do that to another woman, and I know Tim would never do anything like that. Which means, the 'You know why' probably meant he felt he needed to protect me because he is my T.O. and in someway feels he is responsible for the fact that I am being framed.
I cleared my throat and shook away those thoughts. "Tim has a wealth of knowledge. I am lucky to get to shadow him as long as I can."
Isabel nodded, attempting to hide her snort. "It's just you and me here, Lucy. No Watch Commander or Sergeant to expect that kind of response."
I guffawed. "It's the truth."
Isabel bobbled her head as if she was nodding along. "Oh, I'm sure that is partly true." She smiled as she looked out at the open stretch of highway. "Tim also has this charisma and knowledge that also makes it hard to want to leave. The worst…the worst is his approval."
I looked over with interest. "What do you mean by that?"
"That he has this way of making you want his approval. Crave it. It's like a drug," she said.
I forced a smile through the grimace. Isabel laughed at my failed attempt.
"Drug joke. It's ok," she promised, and I believed her. "For most people acceptance is the hardest part for a recovering addict, but for me, I couldn't wait. It was long overdue, and I was so tired of making excuses for all of the people I had hurt along the way."
I nodded in understanding. "Is that why you are helping me? To make amends for the things you have done?"
She took in a sharp breath and then exhaled. "That's part of it. And part of it is because I miss it," she admitted.
My eyes looked down at my lap. I had a haunch that she might not be over Tim, and now that she was sober, of course she would realize what she had lost along the way and wanted to make things right.
"The job," she clarified, after a moment of silence. She waited until I looked up, and I could see it there in her face. She had known what I had just been thinking about. "Don't get me wrong, I miss Tim, but not in the way you're thinking."
I titled my head in her direction. "What way did you believe I was thinking?"
She grinned. "That I am in love with Tim and doing whatever I can to win him back."
Crap. She did know.
"He was your husband. It's clear even with time that you both still care about each other."
I wasn't going to bother trying to skirt around this conversation since she had brought it up. A part of me really wanted—needed—to know how she felt.
"Of course I care about him. I will always care about him," she replied fiercely. "But…I am not in love with him. If I am being honest with myself, I think I was more in love with the idea of who I was or could become by being with him."
That shocked the hell out of me. "I mean, listen, I know it's not any of my business…"
She let out a large laugh. "But…"
I smiled. "But…I am going to need some details."
Isabel turned us off the highway onto an exit that was mostly for camping and more remote properties for just as she said, someone that loves to live in the woods and away from town.
"Tim and I had similar childhoods. My dad never raised a hand to me, but he drank a lot. My mom only ever wanted his attention and when she didn't get it, she spent more days away then she did at home. She started giving her attention to practically any guy that would tell her she was beautiful, not realizing they were using her for their own needs," she explained, her expression tightening.
"That had to be rough," I said.
Isabel pressed her lips together tightly. "It was. Even though I could see it as an outside person looking in, swearing I would never end up like either of them, deep down, I was still that little girl that was craving so much of my father's approval and attention."
"It's more common than you think," I said, as I wrung my hands together tightly thinking about my own parents. Things still hadn't been right since the day I arrested their patient. We were on talking terms-barely—but we were still a good way away from having family dinners or holidays together.
"Tim says your parents are psychiatrists." It was a statement more than an actual question.
"Yes, they are," I acknowledged.
She snorted. "Then you know."
I let out a breath. If Tim was talking about me at all, then it was more likely than not that Isabel knew about my strained relationship with them. Probably why she felt comfortable talking about this with me.
I let out a long exhale. "Oh, I know."
"Anyway, Tim was the first man that I really looked up to. He was strong, protective, had morales and values, and believed in doing the right thing. He had this discipline that I was looking for—needing—and it wasn't hard to be attracted by it."
"Or annoyed by it."
Isabel laughed. "That too."
"Don't get me wrong. Tim is a great guy," she continued. "It's easy to fall in love with him. I think what I feel in love with was his approval and his protectiveness. Wanting everything from him that I should have gotten from my father and did not."
"I get it," I admitted.
"The first time Tim ever told me he was proud of me…" Isabel was still looking straight ahead since she was driving, but there was this wistful look in her eyes as if she was recalling on these memories from long ago. "It was as if I had somehow won the lottery. It became the only thing I wanted. Needed."
"It's like his secret weapon," I agreed.
A smile appeared on her lips. "I kept pushing myself in order to get it. With my history and even knowing at the time that I applied to be a U.C. that it was a bad idea considering I was already an addict for attention that I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Because I wanted to keep pushing the envelope."
"Did you even like being a U.C.?" I asked.
She sighed. "A part of me really did. I liked the idea of being someone else. Getting to decide their history and who they would become. I hated how isolated I would get. Being cut off from Tim to keep me grounded and remind me of who I really wanted to be…that was the worst."
I swallowed as I looked over at her with a frown. "It sounded as if—"
"I was using him more as a crutch?"
I nodded.
Isabel sucked in her bottom lip, her expression falling. "I did. I am ashamed to admit that, because Tim deserved so much better. He's a good man and he is easy to love. So easy to love when he lets you in, but…"
I so bad wanted to know what she was going to say, but I didn't want to rush her. Something in me told me that this was the first time she was actually speaking about any of these true feelings she had with anyone. In a way, I felt honored that she was willing to share them with me.
Finally, she exhaled. "I was more in love with the idea of who I wished I could be with him. I wanted to so bad be the person that he believed I was, but I just ended up being more like my mother. Doing whatever I could to gain his approval and attention instead of just being satisfied with the fact that he loved me, and our marriage was enough. He deserved better."
We pulled off the road onto a dirt gravel road, the nearest gas station and food store almost four to five miles back in the opposite direction.
"I hated what I had done to him, and I hated myself for doing it. Instead of owning up to it like I should, I took the coward's way out and hurt myself and him even more. It has and always will be my biggest regret in life."
I licked my lips. "What matters now is what you are doing to fix it."
Isabel smiled. "You're good for him, you know?"
Her comment had thrown me for surprise considering what we had just discussed. I attempted to cover it up with a laugh. "I don't know about that."
"I do," she replied seriously.
Isabel turned the truck down a one-lane grass path until a small cabin came into view. She pulled the truck to a stop and put it in park, twisting in her seat to look at me.
"Because of Tim's childhood and maybe even his time in the military he feels he always has to protect everyone. Because of that, he created walls around himself to harden himself. I didn't make things any easier the way I hurt him." She paused, meeting my gaze. "You have this ability to soften him. Soften him the way he should be."
"I don't know about that…"
"I do," Isabel emphasized. "He cares about you, Lucy. He may not be able to admit it to himself, but he cares about you."
This conversation was starting to get a little heavy now that it was focused on me and the very real feelings, I knew I was having for him.
"Tim is happy with Laura."
Isabel snorted. "The fed?"
I nodded.
She shook her head. "Laura is safe. Tim is dating her because he knows it will never go anywhere and creates an added layer of protection. Just as I am sure you have done as well."
"No, I…."
The words didn't seem to be able to leave my throat. All of my relationships had been ones that had failed because they were either wrong for me and I knew it, or because I hadn't been serious about them. Even with Connor.
Connor really liked me. Wanted to give me everything that I wanted in a man. He was sweet, kindhearted, respectful, and treated me well. The only problem was…he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't Tim.
"Ok, let's say you're right. Why do I keep doing something like that?"
She laughed. "You're the one with psychiatrists for parents, you tell me."
I sighed. I knew the answer, I just never wanted to admit it out loud. It was only fair since Isabel was sharing her vulnerability with me.
"I'm scared," I admitted.
"He is too," she said softly.
"Of what would happen if it didn't work out. And besides, he's my T.O.," I argued.
"All valued points. But at the end of the day, is isn't it worth it in order to be true to yourself?"
I didn't have immediate response for that. I would never want to do anything that would jeopardize Tim or my career, but I knew without a doubt these feelings weren't going anywhere either.
"What is really holding you back?" Isabel asked, knowing my previous answer hadn't really been the underlining reason for my hesitation.
"The relationship that I have with Tim is probably the most important relationship I have ever had. If we try and it doesn't work out, I don't know if I could handle losing that relationship."
Isabel looked at me thoughtfully. "And if it does work out?"
I didn't have a response. Because if it did work out, it would be everything I always wanted. I didn't know if I could allow myself that kind of hope right now.
When I hadn't said anything, Isabel turned off the ignition, her hand resting on the door handle.
"All I am saying, is that I think you should really think about it."
I nodded. Considering I was now gonna have to hide out until all of this mess was resolved. I had nothing but time to think about it.