She could already sense the dull throb of an incoming headache, resisting the urge to sigh. It was a bad habit she had taken up lately ever since she ended up in this place after all, and she was at the very least...trying not to do it as often.
Now that she thought about it, wasn't there some sort of similar premise that fantasy protagonists would go through? Having to survive ridiculously deadly scenarios, going through tediously difficult tasks and whatnot? How did they manage to get through such ordeals- wait no, she was sidetracking.
Hakuno was...well...quite frankly slightly annoyed...and tired. In fact, 'tired' would almost be understatement, the brown-haired master suppressing yet another yawn as she trudged up the steps slowly, trying not to drag her feet while silently willing away the feeling of exhaustion that was tugging at her bones.
She wasn't purposely trying to be all down and negative first thing in the morning, really...she wasn't. Especially after the talk she had with Dan Blackmore at the chapel, she's trying...though uh...more like attempting and sort of failing in the process, to be more level-headed, open-minded and generally more...optimistic in a sense.
It wasn't a sad excuse of a justification for her poor mood (yes really, it wasn't) either, just that it isn't...exactly turning out as well as she had initially hoped it would?
They say your mood determines how the day plays out, and as much as she wanted to force a smile and pretend that everything was going to be fine, dandy and terrific, her being stuck in this war zone of a school with the constant reminder of her upcoming Elimination Battle looming over her head...wasn't really helping in her endeavour.
Though, at least she's decently keeping her increasing stress and nervous jitters from showing to a minimum. The last day of the preparation period was upon them after all. As usual, she was going to try her best to ensure that they made the most out of today, especially when training later. However, before they headed to the Arena, there was someone she wanted to meet.
Maybe the gravity of the whole situation was catching up to her with the Elimination Battle being tomorrow. It's not that she wasn't taking things seriously, but rather, she's not sure what to make of the current situation.
Walking up the stairs towards the rooftop, there's a lot that weighs on her mind. Mostly worries, the regular kind she's been having ever since she stumbled into this place. Whether she's able to survive...or how long for that matter, and whether she's able to carry out her job properly as a master.
Most importantly, whether she was able to truly give her all into fighting her opponents, especially during the upcoming Elimination Battle.It was obvious that battling against Dan and his servant was not going to be an easy task, and so she can't help but feel anxious even while trying to maintain a calm facade. Nonetheless, she knows that she has to participate in this fight, or else it'll simply be a game over for her.
She shakes her head, her feet stopping at the third floor, gripping onto the stair handrail tightly. A deep breath, one that lasts a few seconds...holding it, and breathing out. Another deep inhale...hold...and exhale. A hand against her chest, trying to will away the lump that threatens to rise in her throat, trying to ignore the invisible yet uncomfortable emotion that resides within her.
She continues to repeat the process for a while for good measure, noticing where her thoughts were leading to. Not good...what good would it do for her to be so pessimistic first thing in the morning? She needed to try and be a little more positive for once...only...
...A similar routine, one she's repeating over and over while getting more familiar with as the days pass by, and yet she still couldn't help the fear creeping up her spine as time ticks away, minute by minute. The longer she remains within this school, the longer she continues to breathe, does that feeling continue to plague her, like an insistent and annoying itch that never seems to go away.
From the moment she awakes, to the moment her head hits the bed at night, she's certain that somewhere in the back of her mind, she's thinking of all the worse possible outcomes that could happen to her in this war. She knows she needs to get a grip on herself, to take charge and actually act like a competent and better master. And yet...and yet...and yet...
There always seems to be a 'but' or 'however' clouding her confidence and conviction. A part of herself was denying her possibly 'better' and more 'reasonable' judgement, rejecting it, fighting against it. The second round of the Holy Grail War was nearing its end, and yet a massive part of her still feels like a hollow inner shell of her past self from the previous round, lost and afraid.
...Of what?
Death? Killing someone else? It doesn't seem like her fears stem from just a single concrete factor. But...why couldn't she still get over it? She wasn't truly sure. It almost seemed ridiculous at this point.
Pull yourself together. Have a backbone Hakuno.
If Nagisa was still here, she'd probably be scolding her right now, and maybe telling her to stop frowning and cheer up. While the thought alone should bring a smile to her face, Hakuno is instead faced with the dark, bitter reality: that her existence was erased and gone for good.
And her? She was fighting for her own survival, fighting to be able to breathe and stay alive every single day. A part of her despises this selfish notion, thinks that she isn't worthy of such a greedy desire, and yet she's too afraid of falling into the clutches of death either. No matter the circumstances, she knows she's not going to like the idea of fighting against Dan too.
Losers die in this war. It was as simple and clean cut as that. There were no negotiations or exceptions to this rule established by the SE.RA.PH. That much was obvious, and Shinji proved it by perishing before her very eyes.
The blood she felt splattering onto her face, the crimson liquid that stained her palms, the screams she heard and his death itself that she saw...the immense fear that gripped at her and held her in place...they were all very much real, even within a virtual world. She'd hate to end up in a similar fate, but to ruthlessly end the life of another for her own personal gain...
Pathetic. Get it together, Hakuno.
Dan's words were now echoing in her head, as if harshly reprimanding her and her cowardice. She wants to stomp down on her lingering hesitation, destroy it for good, but even that itself seemed difficult.
This was beginning to seem both irritating and deplorable of her. Her eyes were staring ahead at her goal, yet they seemed so unfocused and lost all the same. She feels...confused, ashamed even...at her pathetic lack of resoluteness.
Excuses, excuses, excuses...hiding behind more excuses.
She's had nearly a week to try and compose her thoughts , try to get over it, try to become better and move on. But it apparently wasn't as easy as it seemed, much to her chagrin. Forget about her opponent, her indecisiveness was possibly going to get herself killed first.
At this rate, she was beginning to question whether she had even grown at all as a magus (or rather, probably more of a pseudo-magus in her case) since the first round. If anything, it almost felt like she was evolving backwards with her consistently deteriorating confidence and self-esteem. How frustrating...
...Just what did she want exactly? Obvious hesitance aside, what was she trying to justify or wrap her head around to get out of this? Her rationale and conscience were contradicting so much with each other at this point that it was almost difficult to pinpoint what she aimed to achieve out of all this mess.
But then again, what could she possibly do? There was no way to get out of her current predicament, and she was still pretty weak for the most part as a magus, at least...when compared to a bunch of other participating masters in the war.
What could she even hope to fight or protest against, given her weak and unpolished abilities, a low level imposter who unknowingly ended up waltzing into a death game? She had no extradordinary powers to speak of, no way to truly justify herself and her naive beliefs which were also...admittedly somewhat self-centered and narrow-minded of her.
She wasn't convincing anyone anytime soon in her current state. Heck, she was already having trouble convincing herself at times. When you're in a war where everyone is pitted against one another, how do you convince anyone to stop, and possibly put their own lives at risk in return? The notion itself sounded ridiculous the more she thought of it.
Back then...could she willingly say that she'd sacrifice her own life if it meant she didn't need to kill Shinji? That she'd do it in exchange for allowing someone else to live on? She couldn't do it before, and what about now? What about the Elimination Battle tomorrow? Was she about to commit the same act yet again?
"Ah, there you are." Pausing, Hakuno slowly looks up to see none other than Rin Tohsaka standing before her. She blinks a couple of times, somewhat surprised by her sudden appearance. As quickly as it came, Hakuno temporarily wills away her conflicting thoughts to pay attention to the individual in front of her now.
Dealing with own negative mentality could wait. That, and she didn't want to needlessly rope Rin into her silly problems either. She didn't think it would be a...pleasant conversation starter at this time of day.
...On another note...what a coincidence indeed, to run into her like this. The timing was almost impeccable even. That and...could it be that Rin was searching for her as well? However, she doesn't wish to bombard Rin with questions as soon as they meet, favoring to instead acknowledge her presence with a simple greeting. "Hi...Rin."
The mage in return raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest. "What's with that expression? You look like you're staring at a complete stranger or something." "Ah no...just...wasn't expecting to run into you so soon..." Which wasn't wrong. Rin showing up was honestly kinda unexpected.
"...? What's that supposed to mean?" Frowning, Rin continues to stare at her suspiciously before letting out a sigh. "...Anyway, it ain't my business to really butt in and bother, but I figured I should at least meet you to find out." Hakuno cocks her head to the side at this, clearly in confusion. "Uh...find out...about what exactly?"
The brown-haired master's obvious puzzlement only serves to deepen Rin's frown. "Wait a second. It can't be that you never noticed. Don't tell me that you haven't..." She trails off, observing Hakuno's expression for a brief moment before she shakes her head. "On second thought, never mind. Judging from that blank face of yours, I'm guessing you probably don't have an inkling of what's going on."
Had she said something odd? Well, Rin wasn't being very specific on the details nor has she offered any explanation yet either so...it should make sense that she was confused here, right? Instead, Hakuno could only stare back at the mage in silence, still perplexed. Judging from the look on Rin's face...uh...was there something like a hidden cue that she missed or wasn't getting at, or...?
At the sign of Hakuno's growing cluelessness, Rin facepalms, a deadpan expression now on her features. "Of course you'd be unaware of it. Whatever, that part isn't important. I have something I'd like to discuss with you...though preferably somewhere on campus that's more closed off." Ah...by that she must be hinting at the rooftop...
"Oh? Kishinami-san?" Blinking, her eyes divert to meet a familiar astrologer's gaze, the individual in question staring at her with the same poker face she usually had on. "Good morning. What might you be doing here?"
Truthfully, she wasn't expecting to run into Rani of all people, especially after how abrupt and awkward their exchange had ended yesterday. After how she reacted, Hakuno wasn't quite sure how to interact with her.
Instead, she opted to let out a sheepish chuckle, rubbing the back of her neck. "Oh, good morning...Rani." Dang, her voice sounds so unnecessarily strained and tired even to her own ears.
While it was true that she was in a hurry to catch up with Dan and his servant in the Arena, the way she had decided to brush the bespectacled alchemist off had undoubtedly appeared odd and maybe even rude in Rani's eyes. An apology would probably be good to clear up any misunderstandings, though how should she go about it...
"Rani VIII...," she could hear Rin mutter the alchemist's name, albeit in a soft yet low and dangerous tone, her blue eyes looking particularly frosty. Immediately, Hakuno could almost sense a shift in the air around them, as Rin's expression darkens slightly upon seeing the astrologist. This causes the brown-haired master standing next to her to tense involuntarily in realization.
Right...for a moment she had almost forgotten that the two of them didn't really get along. Of course Rani's timing couldn't have been worse than it is now, just as she was conversing with Rin...!
Hakuno's pupils begin to nervously shift between the two at the current situation. This...could be bad. They...weren't going to start a fight here or something, were they??
Rani's gaze slowly shifts from her towards Rin, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly as the two locked gazes. "Ah, if it isn't Rin Tohsaka. A good day to you. What a coincidence for us to meet." While Rani was maintaining a rather neutral expression accompanied by a relatively monotonous voice, Hakuno could also sense the underlying malice hidden beneath those violet pupils of hers.
"Indeed it is, though I can't exactly say that I'm thrilled. And what might you be doing here, I suppose?" she mocks, her calm voice laced with the slightest edge of hostility. In those few seconds alone, Hakuno could already feel the tension increase dramatically between the two, as if the temperature in the surrounding environment had dropped to the negatives.
This was...certainly an awkward spectacle to witness. To this day, she still doesn't know why Rin has some sort of apparent conflict with Rani, whether it's disliking her as a person...or because of Rani's background.
Or maybe it's something else entirely that Rin knows but she doesn't. After all, with how mature and complex of an individual Rin is, it's hard to gauge what she's truly thinking about at times. The last time she's seen Rin so icy with someone was...probably with Leo. She didn't even look this irritated when talking to Shinji back then.It doesn't seem like Rani's being any friendlier towards Rin either.
Standing between the two almost felt suffocating. Just what did she do to get caught up in such a scenario to begin with? Still, it doesn't feel right to pipe up and speak under these circumstances...
"I could ask the same for you. I frequent this floor often, but what about you? It isn't common for you of all people to be lingering around this hallway. What might you be up to, chatting away so secretively with Kishinami-san?" Rani's stare practically drills a hole into their faces, Hakuno almost shuddering at the question being thrown at them as she proceeds to glance at Rin worriedly. Um...should she be answering that question or...?
"...I believe that's none of your business. Why? Are you that eager to know? In the first place, what I talk about with another master shouldn't matter to you, right?" As level-headed as she may seem, Rin's choice of words aren't exactly doing her a favor in hiding her dissatisfaction either. By now, Hakuno could almost see sharp sparks flying intensely between the two.
"Hmm...in most cases, yes. However, the same Rin Tohsaka who usually keeps to herself like a lone wolf, chatting so animatedly with another enemy master is...a strange combination to come across. Anyone would be curious if they saw such a sight, wouldn't they?" Rani casually counters back, not looking intimidated in the slightest.
"My, to be able to garner such attention from one of Atlas's alchemists because of some random idle chatter, should I be flattered?" In the corner of her eye, Hakuno could practically see Rin's eyes twitching in irritation. The brown-haired master in return gulps, fearing that Rin may very well lose it and combust on the spot soon enough.
"Is there something to be concerned of? If it is simply just 'idle chatter' as you claim, surely you wouldn't have a problem about others joining in such mundane conversations then?" Rani smoothly replies without an ounce of hesitation. With all this back and forth banter going on, should she intervene or say something?
...Actually, does she even dare to? The tension around them was so thick at this point that she could probably slice through it with a knife. Part of her feels the need to respond, but continuing to stay quiet may be the wiser option...since uttering a word carelessly right now might garner the unwanted wrath of the twin-tailed master.
After what felt like an excruciatingly long moment of silence, Rin let's out a huff, throwing her hair over shoulder. "...Aren't you a nosy one. Still gonna keep standing there, huh? How persistent. But fine, since you insist on staying, I'll leave first. My interest in chatting has waned, and I'd rather not waste unnecessary energy trying to needlessly please others' requests. Catch you later, Hakuno."
Without another word, she promptly turns and begins heading towards the rooftop, shooting Hakuno a knowing glance before she did so. A minute then goes by of Hakuno just blankly staring at the door leading to the rooftop where Rin had vanished to.
Well that conversation sure went by splendidly, didn't it? She didn't think Rin would just straight up walk away and leave. Not to mention that it ended so abruptly just like that...
"...Um, if it's alright for me to ask...did something happen between you and Rin lately?" She didn't really want to meddle into others' personal affairs, but surely there must be some sort of reason as to why the two of them are acting so...passively hostile with each other.
Rani shakes her head at that, unfazed at the question. "No. Why do you ask?" "Err...no...well...nevermind then." With the exchange that happened earlier, she would've expected something a little more than just a vague reply.
Her response was pretty prompt too that Hakuno ultimately decided to just laugh it off and drop the subject. She figured it would be...best at quickly removing the tension from the environment.
Rani continues to stare at her blankly, before slowly adjusting her spectacles. "Ah, I apologize if I happen to be disturbing you earlier. Just that...there appears to be something off about you today...so..." With her attention now on the her instead, Hakuno had to resist the urge to wince.
Just like before, the astrologist had a mysterious way of just...showing up before her all of a sudden. That said, even Rani could tell that was feeling cruddy? ...That couldn't be good. "No, no you weren't disturbing me at all," she tried to reason, shaking her head profusely.
"I see. How're you feeling by the way? The side effects from the spell yesterday should've mostly worn out by now." Hakuno took a moment to pause, her eyebrows raised in mild surprise. ...Was the alchemist trying to pretend that nothing weird happened yesterday?
She didn't think someone as serious as Rani would overlook the incident, though it doesn't seem like Rani currently has any intention to actively pursue the matter. Rather, she was behaving as if it didn't even occur.
Though the brown-haired magus still has the urge to apologize...maybe this was for the best. Rani probably doesn't want to make things any more tense and awkward than it was for them too.
As for her own condition, she supposed it was now a lot better and she was also less tired compared to yesterday. Although she was still feeling a little weary, it wasn't anything that would hinder her too much.
Rani offers a light nod of the head, presumedly satisfied. "That's good to hear. And how did the meeting turn out? With Dan and his servant I mean..." That question throws her off slightly, as Hakuno couldn't help but stiffen at the inquiry. "It was...alright for the most part...I guess..." Indeed...she did find out a lot about the servant's identity, although the issue now was...
"...Is everything alright, Kishinami-san? I don't mean to pry, but...if there's something bothering you that I may be able to assist in...then..." Was Rani...being concerned for her? Well...she feels flattered at the offer and kind gesture, though she doesn't want to trouble the alchemist any longer, especially after she had aided her a lot yesterday.
So instead, she chooses to politely decline. "...Thanks Rani. I appreciate the sentiment, though I think that...this is something I'd have to get through on my own." Rani goes silent for a brief moment, appearing to be pondering on her response. "Ah, are you perhaps...anxious for tomorrow?"
Ah, she hit the bull's eye. Embarrassed, Hakuno couldn't help but grimace, forcing a smile. "Oh, was it that obvious?" The astrologist blinks, before tilting her head to the side slowly. "Hmm...somewhat." Ugh, so technically it was, even if Rani had tried wording it in a subtle manner.
"...Actually, this may be extremely odd to ask but...what are your thoughts about...the concept of death? Um...that is...killing others and all...," Hakuno mentions, albeit in a timid voice. It's a matter that's been bothering her for quite some time now, and well...while it was not be the best decision to ask a fellow enemy master, there wasn't a lot of people she could consult either that could relate to this issue.
Perhaps getting an outside second perspective could help her clear some doubts. Especially in the case of Rani, an astrologist who looks into the fate of people through the stars...maybe she can gain certain insights from a different point of view.
"...The concept of death...you ask? Well...that's..." Rani pauses, staring back at Hakuno with an unchanged, neutral expression. Cocking her head to the side, she doesn't even flinch, let alone muster a frown on her features. "It is merely a stage in life. Every human goes through death at some point, it is just a matter of how and when. Most people would often view it as a..phenomenon that just comes and goes."
Right, she figured Rani would say something like that. However, what came after was what grinded the brown-haired master to a halt. Merely a stage in life...and that every human goes through death at some point...if only it seemed that simple in reality.
While those words may be hold some truth value in them, it doesn't exactly bring the most pleasant feeling upon hearing it. "...As for the inquiry about taking the lives of others...there is not much I can say about that. Rather it is...something inescapable. One who wants to live has to do what is necessary to survive, is it not?"
In that very moment, she could feel the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end at Rani's nonchalant answer. The astrologist doesn't seem fazed whatsoever. Rather, she was looking at Hakuno at what appeared to be mild confusion. Whatever response Hakuno thought she had for Rani died on her tongue right there and then. Oh, she was...she was being dead serious here.
...She knows. She knew that what Rani was saying was pretty obvious, and yet...hearing her utter that out loud was like a slap to the face. This...she doesn't know how to feel about this after all.
Her mind was clearly a mess if she feels bothered over Rani's otherwise simple response. She knows she shouldn't. Perhaps...maybe asking for her opinion wasn't the wisest decision after all, at least to her already damaged self-esteem and conscience.
"Ah, I apologize if that was not the satisfactory answer you were looking for. I assumed that it would've been clear as day for any master participating in the Holy Grail War," Rani casually remarks, further adding insult to injury.
"...However, this is the world that you are currently in, and you must accept it at some point if you desire to advance further into this war, Hakuno Kishinami. Unfortunately, apart from that, I believe there isn't anything else I can say to aid you in your...dilemma."
She definitely struck the nail on the head with that statement, still showing an expression of absolute indifference. It sort of irked Hakuno knowing that the master standing before her feels this...apathetic towards killing someone, and yet she couldn't muster anything to refute her answer, because she was absolutely right about the reality of the situation.
The truth...she knows that she can't keep denying it nor run from it forever. In her head at least, she was aware, and yet Hakuno couldn't help but feel some form of...moral obligation, a duty she owed for the lives that were taken from the previous round.
She wasn't trying to be like a hero or act like one, far from it actually, but still feels that she owes that much for being able to survive, unworthy of a master she was, especially with how indecisive she could be.
And how here Rani was, indirectly telling her that it was futile to mourn for or be held responsible for the dead, that it is purely a waste of time and just...useless. That it wields no benefit, and is merely a hindrance. Hakuno wants to speak up, but knows better than to try and argue back like a fool against some very valid points Rani's made.
...Why was it all so complicated? At this point, she doesn't know what to think. Would it just have been better if she just...finally gave in to the notion of murder?
The lines between the foundation of basic moral principles and survival instincts had long been blurred, but here she stands, still unable to cast that part of her aside. She wasn't ready to...not yet at least...
"...You really are a peculiar one, Kishinami-san." Hakuno pauses mid-thought at Rani's statement, glancing back up at her. "...The stars were accurate when they foretold that you are an enigma amongst the rest. Of all the masters I have encountered thus far, I don't think I've met someone quite...sympathetic like you." Adjusting her spectacles once more, she stares at Hakuno, almost as if trying to examine a specimen in more detail.
"You are...different, that much I can say. You feel sadness and remorse for those who have passed on, a characteristic I haven't seen as much from other people around here." Hakuno can't exactly tell if Rani appears amused, and whether she should feel insulted or flattered at her analysis. Still, she doesn't say a word, or rebuke her for that matter.
"I do wonder...why do you worry about the fate of others rather than prioritise yourself and your needs? You are aware of that weakness and your inadequacies compared to your opponent, and yet you still choose to hold onto it, reluctant and unable to let go. Why is that?" ...Why? Heck, that's what she herself would like to know. "Well...that's..."
That question, while simple on the surface, still stumped her. Why does she still hold on...or still care and worry this strongly about it? Why does she continue to linger for another opponent's death...or their potential demise?
It kinda seemed obvious at first, but now has her thinking hard. Because...not doing so would instead be fundamentally and morally wrong? ...But that doesn't seem to really answer the question either.
...Because not doing so would make her lose the last small shred of sanity, dignity and humanity that she's been trying to uphold since entering this war? Or was there a grander purpose at stake here? A larger motive or objective she hasn't fully considered or thought through? She hasn't exactly gotten the time to properly sit down and think it through, to confront with the "whys" of her own mindset, still unsure of her reasons.
Rani regards Hakuno's hesitance with prolonged silence, a somewhat brief yet thoughtful gleam in her eyes before she finally continues. "...It seems that I have still much to learn when it comes to comprehending the attitude of humans..."
Her spectacles were reflecting the sunlight shining from the windows, bouncing off the lenses and hiding part of Rani's expression in that moment. Hakuno can't exactly sense how this woman before her feels, but she has a hunch that Rani has come to a conclusion of some sort, almost as if finalizing a research report.
"Though I can't exactly applaud such a way of thinking...indeed, your star does shine distinctly from the rest. I wonder...will this behaviour of yours serve as nothing but a weakness that will lead to one's demise, or perhaps...a source of hidden strength that lies dormant beneath that mindset of yours?" She briefly stares at the sky before them through the window, before slowly shaking her head.
"Hmm...as the clouds that cover the sky dictate...it is still too early to tell, an uncertain destiny." For a moment, it seems like a grim tension covers the atmosphere, so quiet that one could hear a pin drop, and yet Hakuno dares not interrupt the astrologist amidst her own thoughts.
"...For tomorrow..." Rani finally pipes up after a long stretch of awkward silence goes by, grabbing Hakuno's attention. She adjusts her spectacles once more, before eyeing the brown-haired master with the same neutral expression as always. "...There's nothing much I can say in regards to your battle with Sir Dan Blackmore, though if anything...do fight to the best of your abilities." ...? Was she trying to change the subject...or...?
Walking over towards her, she grabs ahold of Hakuno's hand and slowly places an item onto her palm. The brown-haired master is suddenly reminded of yesterday's events, but doesn't pull away.
Somehow, she has a feeling that Rani's trying to convey something...important. "The stars which align and intertwine to determine your fate are...still unclear in regards to the battle's result tomorrow...but they do not lie about one thing..."
Once again, she sees that glimmer in her eyes, the same glimmer which shines beneath those dark, violet irises of hers, like a single star overlaying a black sky at night...unwaveringly bright, as if hiding some form of unbridled curiosity.
"...You, Hakuno Kishinami, are an anomaly in this war. See to this as not a flaw...but perhaps...a potential opportunity if you will, only if you are able to grasp ahold of it and make good use of such a chance that is."
Again, Rani begins speaking with her as if she's reciting some sort of riddle. An anomaly...perhaps it was again due to her amnesia? But what good could having no memories be as an advantage...unless Rani's seen something else in the stars that she hasn't pinpointed herself.
Opening her palm, Hakuno stares at the foreign object in her hand. This looks to be some sort of...vial? It feels like there's some sort of liquid contained inside of it too. But why would Rani...?
Before she could question the alchemist on the item she's been given, Rani refuses to elaborate, shaking her head with a now enigmatic expression dawning her features. "You may keep it. The stars have foretold me that your enemy this round is a fearless and powerful foe. It may be blatantly obvious by now but...your upcoming battle will not be the same as fighting against Shinji Matou this time."
Ah right, she's made a valid point about that. She knows that a gap in abilities still exists between her and Dan, and unlike Shinji, she was going to be fighting against a soldier with plenty of prior battle experience. On another note...even if she's been told to keep it...what should she even do with such an object?
"That is...up to you I suppose. I can guarantee you that it is nothing harmful at least...a good luck item of sorts. I suppose you may call this...a gift, for cooperating with me yesterday." A...good luck item? For her? Even though they were still enemies? Admittedly...this still leaves Hakuno feeling puzzled.
"Ah, do not think too much of it. It is up to you whether you decide to hold onto it or not. Oh, but I do recommend you only open the vial when and if you actually intend to use it." ...Why does it seem like Rani had gifted her a nuclear bomb instead?
Rani isn't giving an answer, or more specifically, provide a straight and clear cut explanation. Now that's made her even more eager to know what's contained inside the vial. It doesn't seem like Rani intends to indulge in her curiosity though, and she doesn't want to carelessly go against her warning either.
"...Do not forget Kishinami-san. Sir Dan Blackmore may be a noble man in his cause, but his servant still excels in the art of deceit and trickery." Her eyebrows knit together as her voice drops to a lower and softer tone. "That man will seize any available opportunity in order to win. That, and his mastery in poison is not something to be taken lightly. Even a single fatal mistake may prove to be deadly in this case."
Yeah, she's been exposed to his poison quite a number of times now, and even had a near death experience with it too. And...let's just say she would rather not go through anything like that a second time. However, he did mention that he may still have an ace up his sleeve, so she shouldn't rest easy just yet.
"Well then, I suppose that is all from me. I shouldn't be taking up too much of your time. I too have to be on my way to settle a matter before the battle tomorrow." She adjusts her spectacles once again, and that glimmer Hakuno thought she saw in her eyes is now gone, replaced by an overall neutral expression.
"...The stars which determine one's destiny...between you and the Hunter of The Forest, I wonder which pair will emerge alive after tomorrow," is all the brown-haired female hears the alchemist mutter, before Rani gives a curt bow and leaves, walking away in the opposite direction. Hakuno on the other hand, remains silent, staring at her back until she disappears out of sight, her hand still clutching onto the charm.
Rani's words continue to linger in the back of her mind minutes after even after she had left, a constant reminder of her weaknesses and hesitation. She knows she should be confident, and she knows she has to steel herself for the battle tomorrow. It was for the best...for her own survival, and yet, Hakuno still finds herself second-guessing her decisions.
Every now and then, she still recalls that very day, the day where she witnessed Shinji Matou's death before her very eyes. She can't ever forget that frightful scene no matter how hard she tries, the gruesome memory seared onto her conscience.
While she didn't deal the final blow that led to his death, she certainly still contributed to it anyway. It didn't help that she could do nothing about the situation either when it happened, just merely standing by and staring in shock until he inevitably vanished. The SE.RA.PH was apparently very strict about their rules, and spared no exceptions no matter how much she cried out.
It was the constant feeling of terror and remorse that plagued her mind up until now. Perhaps this is a form of punishment in of itself, a punishment given to her for selfishly living on. She wants to be able to deal with such contradicting emotions, and yet, would it truly be better for her to get used to this?
If she passes through this round as well, and possibly the rounds after (a far fetched scenario she knows), would she get used to killing too? That...she couldn't help but feel uncomfortable and scared of the idea of that occurring.
If there truly came a day or moment where she no longer felt anything, not even an ounce of sympathy or guilt from taking someone else's life by her own hand, would she still be the same person she was right now?
Could she even be proud of such a terrible feat? She knows that her current self is far from ideal as a master in this war, and she doesn't want to die or get deleted either...but still...
The conversation between her and Dan replays itself in her head. Perhaps it was precisely because she wanted to take what he had said the other day into serious consideration that she was mulling over this right now...the day before their inevitable Elimination Battle.
To face the war head on instead of running away, no matter what happens...but what about the huge cost that came with it then? Was that the only path and option available to her, as someone who's part of this ongoing war?
In order to win, in order to survive, to live and see another day...must she truly forsake and ignore the aftermath of such cruel actions she's forced to take? Would she even be able to endure doing so?
Dan Blackmore...while there's probably a lot she still doesn't know about him, and it wasn't as if she fully understood him either, his actions throughout the preparation period so far have demonstrated that he was a good man at heart, filled with sincerity and conviction in his conduct. He exuded confidence, but wasn't showing off his previous achievements nor was he prideful or arrogant even when possessing such an esteemed title and position under the Harways.
He was a patient and understanding individual, even while acting strict with those around him. He pointed out her flaws, but also gave advice to her despite the two of them being on opposing sides. It was...confusing at first, seeing such behaviour from an enemy. Even with the obvious difference in power, he doesn't abuse it or scorn her, not in the way that Shinji did.
He was...in a way...somewhat kind...and caring, even as an opponent, something that she initially thought she would've never experienced in this war, much less with someone who was matched up against her. He was certainly a person deserving of praise and respect, even with how humble and modest he may be. And now possessing this knowledge itself of such a person has her feeling even more disheartened.
She doesn't want to get ahead of herself, very much still aware of the obvious large gap in her abilities she can't possibly bridge with so little experience and so little time. But...to fathom even wanting to kill off a man like him, even if there was no other alternative...she just...can't picture herself fully committing to the idea. It seemed too horrible even for her, no matter how skilled her opponent may be.
Dan knew what he wanted, and he was so much more talented and brilliant of an individual than she was. He was determined and sure of himself in his pursuit of the grail, never once backing down, with his words ringing true and honest whenever he spoke. Here she was on the other hand, compared to him, still such a coward and hesitating so much. Probably the total opposite of him.
She knew she was still light years away from catching up to him, much less becoming anywhere near as outstanding as him. Could she then, while acting this way, be so selfish as to take away his right to live, and deprive him of his wish as well? Would she be able to look ahead in the face of her adversities with even a fraction of optimism or motivation that Dan possessed?
The insistent fear continues to gnaw at both her heart and mind the more she ponders on it. She knows how risky it is to think so positively and highly of her opponent. This matter in itself was also a factor which made it all the more difficult.
To take away a life such as his in exchange for keeping her own, if it ever came to that, would she be able to live on carrying such a heavy burden on her shoulders? Would she even be able to tolerate that in the subsequent rounds? That felt...all too much to bear, not when she hasn't even forgiven herself for Shinji's death...nor does she think she ever will any time soon.
It feels as though the odds were stacked pretty heavily against her favour. She knows she's a coward, and that this was probably her narrow-minded and self-centered way of thinking. It didn't take a genius to figure out that her current poorly concealed facade she was trying to maintain was barely keeping her afloat as it is. Her own life...she knows that should be her top priority. Getting through this war alive and making it back to the real world should always be her main focus.
Nothing else should matter...even her opponent's dreams or wishes, or that's what she's been told numerous times. Yes...it would be far easier and straightforward to think that way. She wouldn't be stuck at this roadblock panicking it so much over and over again if she were to think like that.
However, she was beginning to wonder if it was more so her human conscience that still continues to struggle against her logical reasoning. She's well aware that any sense of socially moral balance has long been broken, lopsided even after she's stumbled into this place. This place was at its core a warzone that was rationalizing murder after all.
She doesn't want to die...but how does that desire alone justify and stand on top of all wishes that the other masters may have? What right does she have to possibly stand in their way of achieving that wish? How can her will to live, purely on its own, ever justify taking the life of another so easily?
It was evident that a large number of masters in this school did not care as much about the consequences of taking a life. Granted, it was their own life in exchange for another, and she didn't wanna generalize or rush to an assumption so early either, but it felt so...horrifying discovering the ugly truth that so many people placed into the same school building were willing to go through such lengths to murder one another, that such an action should be hailed as an obvious and accepted practice at this point while the war was going on.
There were times where everything just felt so...black and white, so clean-cut, like she was forced to pick a side with no other choice in between. In such a place where such hesitance is seen as nothing but a hindrance and weakness to be exploited, where her mindset was currently battling against that of the majority, could she still honestly say that she wasn't the odd one out then?
To kill and live...or be killed and perish. She's already established that as a fact long ago while trying to steel herself. She tells herself that all the time, almost every waking minute of each and every single day. She knows it by heart, that's all there is to it, and it seemed as simple as that from the surface. If only she could act on it without the impending feeling of terror or regret...like those around her...
But even so, the harsh truth presented to her was not that digestible, even after a round had already passed. She knows she needs to, for the sake of her own survival. And yet...what she must give up in order to achieve something that appeared almost so trivial as being able to breathe and go through another day...it honestly terrifies her.
Why couldn't she go through with it? Why couldn't she do it? She knows she has to...she needs to. But these insistent thoughts still keep her stuck in place, with her going about it in the same repetitive cycle of thinking in circles and- urgh...it was all so frustrating to ponder over and just come to a conclusion that she was remotely satisfied with.
"...As usual, that astrologist continues to be a walking mystery. It's hard to gauge what was her actual purpose for meeting you here, and I doubt we can just chalk it all up to mere coincidence, especially since she had a 'gift' to give." Amidst her internal panic and growing irritation at herself, her servant's words managed to bring her out of her temporary daze.
Like the sudden snap of a string, abrupt and unexpected, the brown-haired master suddenly feels more grounded towards her immediate surroundings and present reality. Hakuno blinks, turning to stare at her servant who had spoken, seeing his eyebrows creased together in thought.
She opens her mouth, then shortly clamps it shut once again, processing Archer's words and trying to formulate a coherent sentence to say. In favor of not losing any more sanity than she probably already has, the brown-haired master chooses to shift her focus on the current conversation for now. It was a slightly better change of pace anyway than whatever mental struggle she was battling against. Her head was almost about to burst from all the overthinking.
"That's...well...you may be right," she finds herself trailing off, slowly nodding her head afterwards. To be frank, she's not exactly sure how to reply. Those words of his...so, should she assume that he was still wary of Rani? That was...understandable. She certainly agrees with him to some extent, and doesn't have much to refute back in response.
Her servant does bring a good topic point of interest from earlier. Of all things, she was not expecting Rani to...wish her good luck? Was that her intention? Up until now, it was hard to tell what was Rani's true reasons for approaching her, and even going as far as to help her uncover the mystery behind the enemy servant's identity too. And the vial she gave her out of the blue too...
"...That being said, don't you have somewhere else to be? I don't mean to nag, but well, since it is the last day of the preparation period, I do believe we have better things we can be doing rather than just...standing out here idly in a hallway."
Ah, there it is, her servant's sharp and sarcastic tongue. As usual, Archer was being the more well grounded and sensible one of the two...most of the time that is. If only she could possess even a fraction of his calm demeanor and way of thinking. Instead, the master could only offer an unamused, deadpan look in return, but knows that he's right.
Perhaps it's his way of saying not to worry too much about what Rani had said earlier too. This man...he sure has some impeccable timing sometimes. It wasn't particularly frequent, but whenever she found herself at the brink of her panicking, negative thoughts, her servant would put a damper on them, as if momentarily bringing her a clearer sense of rationality. Somehow, his comments had managed to, albeit temporarily, distract her from the anxiety plaguing her mind.
"...Something on your mind? Or are you still bothered by what Rani had said earlier?" These fairly simple queries had Hakuno stopping to stare at her servant. A stiff but firm shake of the head follows after a brief pause and a few rapid blinks of wide chocolate pupils, the master resisting yet another urge to outwardly grimace. Dang, now even Archer has her doubting herself.
...Ok, but hear her out here. She likes to think that not all of her current worries are meaningless. She's had a lot of think about and not nearly enough time to ponder about them.
Sure, she may be acting pessimistic and all but wasn't she doing a pretty okay job at keeping her outward emotions in check amidst all this chaos happening around her, for a non-magus too to boot? Shouldn't this be a normal reaction for her then?
In fact, she's technically gone through a heaping mess of events, all within the span of less than a week. For this round alone, she's been targeted for murder multiple times, poisoned in several ways, and even had a near-death experience at some point. After all that happened, shouldn't it be reasonable for her to worry more about other matters too? At the very least, she was still staying relatively sane...probably.
The raised eyebrow and skeptical expression her servant sends her way however, has her now deflating slightly. ...Ah great, unless, did it show on her face that easily during the conversation with the astrologist just now after all? The entire time?
First Rani, and even her servant...was it that simple to tell just by looking at her expression (man, she might need to start working on forming a better poker face then)? So much for having decent control on her outward emotions. That said, the question he raised has her biting on her lower lip. Was she still bothered? Perhaps, but aside from that...
...At the back of her mind, part of her wonders if her servant had also experienced this internal dilemma she was currently facing. Did he once feel fear and guilt upon killing someone? Did he feel as terrible as she did upon doing so?
Granted, she was somewhat aware that he had probably killed quite a bit himself, and so perhaps the concept of death wasn't foreign to him anymore. However, she still can't help but ponder on it nonetheless.
Did it numb the senses the more he killed? Did he get used to the idea of taking someone's life at some point? These questions swarm her head, though they are also extremely sensitive questions she feels hesitant to raise.
And so, Hakuno chooses to keep silent once again, unsure of how to approach even asking them in the first place. These questions...she has a hunch that her servant may not be keen to answer them anyway, given that they're probably related to his past. Asking such questions here of all places probably wasn't the best idea either. Sucking in a deep breath through her nose, she looks back at her servant and gives a shake of the head.
Patience...she needed patience. Hastening and forcing certain matters wouldn't do either of them good anyway. There will come a day and time when Archer will hopefully tell her about his past, and if she lives to see that happen, maybe...just maybe, by then, she'll be able to remember her own past and tell him about it too. For now though, she just needs to accept it and keep trusting in him.
Trust...that was a pretty odd term thrown about summarizing the foundation of their...odd contract. From the time they had first met during the end of the preliminaries in that final room...to even now, Hakuno's been putting her faith in him.
Well, whether that was out of choice or not given the brutal nature of the war, she wasn't entirely sure. Of course, she does trust him and wasn't pointing any fingers at her servant...although...
Still, she can't deny the...rockiness in their master-servant relationship, due to her inexperience and amnesia and him having some...apparent fixation on keeping his past to himself. She knows that it isn't as simple as rushing the result and laying all the cards on the table before calling it a day.
Obvious curiosity aside, she knows well enough that she has no right to make demands regarding Archer's true identity, as someone who didn't know a thing about her own past. That, and Archer's past is probably way more sensitive and complicated than he hints at it to be, though she wonders just how much further this...trust of hers can keep her...or both of them for that matter...going.
Was it bad that she was having these sort of doubts at this point in time? Could this also be a source of her unease? It was frustrating to deal with, even for her. Honestly, she didn't know what to think. No, she shouldn't be...and yet...she couldn't help it.
Maybe it was due to the fact that it wasn't just a simple matter of having faith in his abilities. It was also the fact that she was entrusting the fate of her own life onto his hands as her familiar, a man she still doesn't know much about.
He's one of the large variables that can help to determine whether she lives or dies in this tournament, yet this same person was shrouded in mystery. Despite telling herself over and over again multiple times, it doesn't help that all these questions popping in her head are doing nothing but clouding her sense of ease as the day of the Elimination Battle draws near.
A wobbly relationship built upon a rather...unstable foundation at heart...she wonders how long this master-servant connection of theirs will truly last. Lately she has been trying to put in the effort, at least...she hopes she has, though when confronted with the reality of this holy grail war, she can only imagine a bleak future full of scary uncertainties that awaits her, if there even is one after tomorrow's battle that is.
The brown-haired master was probably having all these bizarre thoughts in the first place with the gravity of the whole situation catching up to her...that the battle was finally tomorrow. After tomorrow, only one person would remain alive and standing to continue on with another hellish preparation period.
She resisted the urge to grimace. Ahh no, there she was having those self-depreciating thoughts once again. Hakuno hates beating herself up over it, but it didn't seem that these worries would simply vanish anytime soon. ...Maybe she was slowly on the verge of turning crazy after all.
She abruptly cuts herself off, doesn't allow the next one to manifest itself in her mind. Couldn't she have one day where her mind was...more at ease? Still, she knows that dwelling on them aimlessly like this is pointless, not with more important matters on hand.