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chapter four.

For a moment, Emilia was unable to respond, tongue glued to the roof of her mouth and blocking her voice from getting through as she sat there, trying to catch up with her train of thought but falling behind and feeling entirely lost and stranded as Sirius Black slumped back in his chair, arms crossed over his chair as his long legs stretched out underneath the table, ankles crossed and not seeming the least bit bothered.

And that was the problem – he was acting as if they had been buddies since day one and that he hadn't upset her, offended her, practically insulted her, humiliated and made her uncomfortable; why, why was he doing this? Normally, Emilia would try her best to ignore these types of situations, to leave her body and pretend that the world around her wasn't happening but she couldn't, jaw clenched and teeth gritted and grinding against one another and she just couldn't.

Often, when her emotions managed to win the battle and get the better of her, all rational thought was crushed into the dirt and there was that tight feeling in her chest again, a small echo of a smothered voice telling her she was overreacting and that she just needed to ignore him, to not give him a reaction or acknowledge him because that's what he wanted – to know he was getting to her, to know that he was getting under her skin and gnawing away at what little patience she already had. Her tactic of stamping her emotions six feet into the ground wasn't working anymore and they were too much, too overwhelming for her to deal with.

Breaths, deep calming breaths to wash out the irritation that was choking her, smoke consuming her lungs and making her feel as if her chest was ready to collapse as her tongue unstuck itself from the roof of her mouth and she was stiff, neck creaking as she faced Sirius Black who had taken to drumming on the table top, a nonsensical tune with two pens, one of which was hers.

"Why are you sitting next me?" Emilia managed to scrape out, voice level and smooth though rasping as it squeezed through the lump that was in her throat. She needed to not let him know that he was successfully getting under her skin, but her hands were clenched into fists on her lap, skirt inching upwards as she scrunched the fabric in her palms, the material being all that stood between her nails gnawing into her delicate skin.

Sirius was casual, adopting a blasé manner on him as he looks to her, so unconcerned compared to Emilia's taught and straight backed body. There's something sparkling in his eyes – amusement, maybe, though Emilia isn't sure with barely being able to keep herself together under his gaze. "Why not?"

Emilia forced herself not to choke on her voice as a breath seeped into her chest, an attempt to calm herself as she unfurled one of her hands, freeing the chokehold of her skirt and gesturing to the room around them. "There's plenty of other seats for you to sit in."

"There is? Oh, I'm so sorry let me just – " Sirius cut himself off by standing, slipping out from behind the table and taking place beside his seat, bending over it and examining the dark, worn wood of his chair. He was making a show of kneeling and of investigating whatever it was that he wanted to find, other eyes turning back to watch Sirius kneel in the middle of the aisle as he peeked under the bench before standing again, humming in contentment to himself; finally, Sirius gave a shrug and slunk back right into the same spot again beside Emilia without a second thought. He was smiling that smile again, that charming boyish one that made all the girls and boys melt. "Nope, just as I thought – there doesn't seem to be anyone else's name here. I think I'll stay where I am."

He was mocking her – the curve of his eyes couldn't hide the fact and Emilia thought her teeth might break under the pressure of her clenched jaw. This was it, this was exactly what she didn't want, all she wanted from Sirius was for him to leave her alone. People were looking, turning back with curious expressions on their faces as if what was happening was the most entertaining thing to happen at Hogwarts, as if even a Quidditch game couldn't hold their interest.

Emilia might have been able to deal with it and not blow it out of proportion were it not for the fact he was being too friendly, too nice, too close. Her little bubble was burst and unease was holding on to her, choking her. There was too much attention turned on Emilia and she knew Sirius Black was used to it even though she was not, that he had got used to the feeling of so many eyes fawning over him and he didn't even care about the fact people were staring at them. It made her not act like herself, made her forget the little restraints that she could pull on to bring herself back in line.

A huff left Emilia, reaching down to grab her bag without a second thought and scooping her things on the desk into its open maw, not even caring for the fact her parchment might crinkle after the jostling.

"Then you can stay sitting there," she bit back, not allowing him a chance to offer up a retort before she slipped out, moving up two rows that were empty for the moment since only a small few had shown up for class so early.

Emilia slid into the bench, once more placing her bag down on the ground and reaching in to pick through the new mess she had created in her bag to take our her things, none too carefully placing them down on the table top with a sharpness that was a result of her irritation leaking out, unable to control it. She was letting him get to her – after explicitly making it clear that she held no love for him and that she did not want anything to do with him, to have him go directly against that made her skin itch, made her jittery because she didn't like it when things were out of her control. Being outwardly a bitch could only do so much, maybe a reaction was what he was hoping for.

A heartbeat passed and then there was movement beside her once more and Emilia wondered why she was even all that surprised when Sirius yet again moved in to take the empty spot beside Emilia, not even phased by the fact she moved to get away by him or that he was forced to follow.

Forced, as if she was pulling him along on a string. Facing forward, Emilia was surprised that her pen didn't crack under her grip as she tried to calm herself down over her irrational anger that was quickly consuming her, marking its course through her veins. All Emilia wanted was to be left alone, was that too much to ask? She didn't think it was that big of a deal, it was one small request and to have it be so blatantly disregarded by another person made her fit to explode, as if an ember in her heart was being stoked and now was withering her away to ash with no stopping like Fiendfyre.

She could feel everyone looking, staring, curious and desperately wanting to know why; Emilia wondered if there would soon be a magazine with Hogwart's gossip circulating soon. That's just how it was with Sirius Black – he was popular, he was handsome, he was loved, he was the best damned Beater the Quidditch team ever had and he was fucking annoying.

Her neck was sharp in its turn, facing him and chewing on the inside of her cheek for a brief moment as she stewed on her words. Sirius was already looking at her, all too pleased with himself and Emilia's glance turned backwards only to see that their previous seat was now occupied and that she was practically stuck with him for the double Transfiguration period.

Great.

Then her eyes turn back to him and her voice takes on a sound akin to resignation. "Why are you doing this?"

It's a simple question and she doesn't need to elaborate for him to catch on what she meant but Emilia refuses to believe that he was so willfully ignorant as he purposely lets it fly over him entirely, head tilting to the side in faux confusion.

"Doing what? Can't I sit in my own classroom?" Sirius said, and he was mocking her. Emilia hated being mocked and teased and laughed at. "I hadn't realised our rights on where we're allowed to sit were being taken from us, what a cruel world we live in."

Emilia only just managed swallows her words in time just as McGonagall swans in, robes billowing behind her and all previous chatter and whispering died out, attention turning from the odd pair to their teacher in an instant with Emilia doing the same, glad that she could at least focus elsewhere and be more successful in her attempts to ignore the boy next to her.

Her legs were crossed at the ankles underneath their shared seat but Sirius had pushed himself far too close up beside Emilia, his own legs stretched out before him were grazing the side of her thigh, the material of her skirt being all that stood between him touching her entirely. It makes her skin burn in a way she didn't want and certainly didn't like, ready to jump away from him at any moment to gain any sort of space between them. Her eyes were stuck to McGonagall, trying to ignore the fact she could see him from the corner of her eye, slumped in his seat and wiggling the pen she let him borrow between his fingers, the ends tapping against the wooden table top in an increasingly annoying manner.

Emilia always thought she wasn't quick to annoy; she had to be in order to survive primary school and at home otherwise she might be unable to contain an outburst that would have resulted in her lunch being thrown into the toilets during break or being sent to her room without dinner or tea; she was trying not to let her patience erode away as Sirius continued his annoying tapping and she wondered if maybe it was just him that was getting to her, that the sudden antipathy she had grown to carry for him in the space of 24 hours had made everything he does and says unbearable. Even how he carries himself, slumped in his seat and not even bothering to listen to McGonagall grated at her, picking her apart; though, she supposed that was mostly down to her own innate fear of being yelled at by a professor for her behaviour that she couldn't help but project that very same feeling outwards.

But Sirius Black would never have to worry about that; she knew he got into trouble, from the way he talked to teachers from how he carried himself, but they still liked him – no, they adored him. To the staff at Hogwarts, Sirius Black and his friends were the golden boys of not just their year, but perhaps their entire house, if not all others. Something tasting of envy stung Emilia's tongue as she did her best to focus on taking notes.

Something touches her shoulder, a nudge that sent her writing veering slightly off to the side and Emilia stares at the mistake before her eyes flicker to the side and is unable to hide the fact she was looking at him as she met Sirius' gaze, head lying on the table, cheek resting on his bent arm that lay beneath him. "Did you do the homework?"

Emilia stared at him for a drawn out second, blinking as if she were unsure he had spoken to her but then the words reached her ears – she glanced towards McGonagall who hadn't noticed the exchange and, tossing a quick glower towards Sirius, she turned back to writing, ignoring him completely. Did she do the homework, of course she did the homework, why would he ask –

Another nudge to get her attention. "Did you? I don't think I finished the last question, can I copy it from you?"

Teeth gritted, she ignored his voice. Before yesterday, Emilia might have probably considered the idea of letting him copy her homework, now there was not a notion in Hell that she would. Again, she pretended as if he hadn't even opened his mouth to speak to her and carried on with jotting down what McGonagall was saying.

"Maybe Minnie won't notice, I'll just make up an excuse about Quidditch or something," Sirius sighed, not yet deciding to sit straight and Emilia wished that he would turn his eyes to anywhere else but her.

He was trying to make a conversation with her – were it not so distracting, Emilia might have laughed at the idea. She couldn't help but recall how she would sit with her head down, hair acting as a curtain between them in Fourth Year all the while he ignored her, loudly talking with his friends a few rows ahead and passing notes between them. Once, Emilia might have killed to have Sirius Black talking to her.

What she wouldn't give for times like that to return.

"She always eats it up whenever I start talking about Quidditch season."

I don't care, Emilia wanted to shoot back but couldn't because she was actually trying to make an attempt at listening in class but his words are overlapping Professor McGonagall's and she missed a word here and there that cause the sentences she was writing to make no sense. She would have much preferred for today's class to be a practical one so she could at least Hex the boy beside her into staying quiet and mask it as an accident.

There's a brief relapse of silence, in which Emilia gave her premature thanks to God, until yet another push at her elbow. Her pen jumped down the page, leaving a 'Y' with far too long of a tail.

"Are you ignoring me? Or has my voice suddenly gone on me?" Sirius asked in a rushed, none too quiet whisper. To answer him that she was ignoring him would be a paradox and instead Emilia kept her mouth shut. "It's kind of rude to ignore someone, you know? My mother was a stickler for etiquette but I suppose that's how mothers are. Kind of. She's sort of a bitch, so maybe not all mothers."

Please, shut up for the love of God, Emilia inwardly groaned, trudging ever onwards and ignoring how her grip on the pen was tightening with each word spilling out of his mouth. She didn't care for idle chat in or out of the classroom and it was becoming harder by the second not to hiss at him to shut up because some people don't have the luxury of being naturally smart without putting in any effort and she found Transfiguration hard enough as it was without him making it anymore unbearable. Emilia missed the days when he was just a smudge of lead on the paper of her existence that would be wiped away when she left Hogwarts.

A breath – in and out, she could stay calm, she would stay calm and would be sure not to snap at him. She had self control and all she had to do was get through this double class and then she would be gone and then openly tell him to piss off.

"You were in Potions this morning, yeah?" Sirius questioned, acting as if he hadn't spent the majority of their morning class staring at her. "Is it just me, or is Slughorn becoming more demented by the minute? Don't know how he's still teaching here. Almost as boring as Binns, and he's dead."

Her writing had stopped and she had fallen behind on whatever it is that McGonagall was talking about, unable to hear above the whispering beside her that wasn't even all that quiet as they get a few glances thrown back at them. McGonagall remained ignorant, though Emilia isn't sure if it's by the older witch's choice or not since Sirius always was the apple of her eye, even during the times she did hand him a detention.

The tip of her pen remained glued to the parchment, unmoving as her jaw clenched tight, refusing to even acknowledge Sirius beside her; he had to have been doing this on purpose, had to know he's pushing her buttons because she couldn't stand when she couldn't achieve perfection – perfect grades, perfect attendance and a perfect spotless record. For all her knowledge and smarts, she couldn't fathom Sirius Black's sudden interest in her, though maybe interest might have been too far of a stretch for her. Emilia doubted he was interest in her that way and she had seen him bullying Slytherins and other knobheads who had a go at him, so she wasn't sure if his behaviour towards her could be categorised as bullying; teasing? Maybe. Maddening? Definitely.

Was he doing this because she didn't accept his apology? If that was the reason, it was a very confusing one. Emilia didn't see why her feelings towards or opinions about Sirius Black mattered to him in any way. They've had one, brief exchange that was a little less than cordial and even that was now souring into something that Emilia might have thought to be antagonistic. At least, that was her own feelings towards him since he wouldn't shut his gob.

"I wanted to talk to you earlier but you weren't at lunch," he sighed and Emilia barely managed to hold back a reply that consisted of her telling him because I was avoiding you. "Not that you missed much, wasn't anything spectacular to eat. You can only have the same shite every day before you get sick of it."

Shut up, just shut up. She couldn't even hear McGonagall talking. How long had it been since class started? It felt like forever and Sirius had been making it feel like Hell.

"It's not as if they couldn't ask the elves to make something exciting," he snorted, entirely abandoning all attempt in trying to appear as if he was paying attention to McGonagall (not that he ever was), sitting back in his chair once again, the soft curls of his hair crowning his handsome face, catching on his long eyelashes with his silver eyes glittering, glowing on the pale sunlight that was reaching in through the window. "I actually managed to convince one to serve this atrocious meal to the blood purists in Slytherin. Get this: Ketchup, pasta, fish – "

Emilia couldn't even breathe, please shut up, for the love of God.

" – to mix it in so they were only able to ribbit like frogs for a week – "

Ignoring him wasn't working, it was as if he thrived off of her silence. A sharp, cutting breath in through her nose, slicing what little patience she had and divvying it up into incomprehensible grains of sand.

" – not even Pomfrey knew how to help them, it was absolutely hil – "

"Will you please just leave me alone?!" her voice rang out, turning towards him with fire in her eyes and fists clenched to tightly her skin stretched over her bone to a pale yellow colour, a stiffness sinking in her fingers as she tried to ignore the heat of her anger in her chest.

Sirius' mouth was open, half way through a sentence before she cut him off with her first response to him since class started and he seemed somewhat shocked, yet she could see lingering on the edges of his features was an almost self satisfied look carved there, as if he was pleased to finally have pulled a reaction out from her cold, stone exterior. Emilia doesn't even hear the silence around her, doesn't even realise until she takes a few, calming breaths and realised McGonagall had stopped talking meaning –

Oh, God, she said that last part far too loud.

It wasn't long before the quick feeling of embarrassment was speeding through her veins, overwhelming Emilia entirely as her mouth became dry, a warmth slinking up her colour and staining her cheeks a deep, dark red as her gazed moved from Sirius to Professor McGonagall, who held a shocked and a very displeased look on her face, looking at Emilia with her pointed, sharp stare that made the younger girl physically wince.

All eyes were glued to the odd duo and Emilia knew her face was the shade of bright, red apples and she wrung her hands under the desk, skin slipping due to the sweat accumulating there and she didn't have the guts to look up and meet McGonagall's disapproving stare and beside her, Sirius gave a noise that sounded like an oof and something was stinging Emilia's eyes; her stomach felt too small and she felt as if she might throw up what little breakfast that she had managed to eat and in her ears rang that sharp clicks of McGonagall's shoes against the stone of the floor, stopping to cast a long shadow over Sirius and Emilia, the former looking up to give his teacher a grin that the old witch did not trust whatsoever.

Emilia's eyes flickered up and her mouth turned dry as she briefly met McGonagall's glower, the bones of her fingers knotting themselves as the silence stretched on for a heartbeat, then another and it was suffocating her.

Then, their teacher cleared her throat and Emilia could not suppress a second wince. "Ms. Greene, may I ask why you have decided to shout during the middle of our lesson?"

Her tongue was tying itself up into tangles, making it impossible for a single coherent sentence to fall off of it as her voice left her in a breathy wobble, unsteady as she angled her body towards McGonagall, unable to help the way her knees were pressed into the side of Sirius' legs due to how close he sat. Her head remained bowed, mostly in part to hide the embarrassing way her face burned and how her eyes were wet and shiny with the betrayal of tears that sprung at first sight of trouble. "I... I'm sorry, Professor. I never meant... I was just – "

A sniff left McGonagall and Emilia peered up at the older witch, teeth about to tear a hole in the side of her cheeks as she caught sight of how unmerciful the Professor was at Emilia's stuttered excuse that she couldn't even choke out. Her bottom lip continued to shake, voice dying once again in the bottom of her throat, caught beneath dirt and her own mortification. Her previous outburst seemed so unnatural considering the state she was now reduced to.

"No excuses. For your behaviour, I want you here this evening for detention."

The word caught Emilia's attention, head whipping up as she met McGonagall's piercing stare head on, mouth dropping open as her hands began to feel sore from how much she was wringing them, nails pinching the skin on the back of her hand to keep herself calm but it was no use.

Detention? Her? She had never gotten detention, ever, had never even got into any sort of trouble in her entire time at Hogwarts; Emilia had always been on time, always had her homework done, never talked through class, never talked back and had never mitched. She was a good student, and she had prided herself on the fact, but now?

Emilia didn't know what to say for a moment, brain trying to play catch up as her eyes fluttered in disbelief, yet McGonagall did not rescind the punishment. Her voice finally found itself again, sounding akin to a squeak. "Detention?"

"Ah, Professor," it was Sirius who spoke up, and he gave a wave of his hand, pulling himself to sit up properly in his seat as he grinned that oh so debonair grin up at their teacher, as if it were a scene he knew all too well, had acted it out before and he appeared as if he was so unafraid to talk back to an authority figure. Maybe he wasn't; he was always much calmer, cooler, more confident than Emilia, he probably didn't break down at the thought of having to stay behind for detention. "You shouldn't be so harsh on her."

McGonagall offered him a quirked eyebrow and Emilia could see something pull at the corner of the older witch's thin lips, an amusement there lingering behind her usually unreadable eyes. "Is that so, Mr. Black? Perhaps then you would like to offer your company as well by joining her for detention."

A splutter left the boy beside her as he gaped at the professor in bafflement, clearly not anticipating that sort of outcome in his poor attempt at what Emilia assumed was his way of trying to stick up for her, no matter how unwanted it was and, not to mention, his fault. "Wait, what? How did you even come up with that decision?"

McGonagall's reached up to her spectacles, pointed stare darting between the two of them and then Emilia that that was final, there was no room for negotiation about the whole ordeal. "My office, this evening. Both of you."

Emilia could only give a nod in response to show that she had heard the teacher loud and clear, head dropped and gaze fallen to her notes that were far too empty for her liking.

Detention - her. She had never gotten detention, had never gotten in trouble before and the heat in her face was unbearable, the mortification and humiliation being almost too much to bear and, oh God, there was that stupid stinging in her eyes. Frustration had always managed to make her like this and Emilia couldn't sort through the jumbled mess of her emotions, feeling trapped and the last thing she needed was for everyone to start talking about how she started crying because she got a detention.

Because Emilia never got in trouble, no one ever noticed her enough for her to get in trouble and that was because she put in a lot of work to remain unnoticeable so she could just cruise through her seven years at Hogwarts.

And now all that hard work, gone, and her first detention in her seven years at Hogwarts and it's all because of him, because he wouldn't leave her alone and wouldn't take a hint and for someone who was supposed to be so smart, she had never seen someone so stupid as to not realise she wasn't interested in knowing him, in being friends or being class partners; Emilia wanted to glare at him, to sharpen her gaze so that it was as if knives were being dug into his stupid, pretty face but she restrained herself, she would not have him see her all red faced and watery eyed and, instead, Emilia kept her hair as a curtain between them, an impenetrable wall that she could pretend he didn't exist on the other side of.

Then an elbow softly knocking hers, trying to get her attention but Emilia did not respond, not that it deterred Sirius. "Don't worry about Minnie, she's really a softie at heart. Sometimes. Detention with her is easy and she always lets you out early – "

Emilia didn't listen to him, tuning him out and falling in a state that was not unlike catatonic as she retreated inwards, unable to entirely fathom that fact that she was given her first ever detention all because she had let him succeed in whatever game he was playing with her that she wasn't even participating in; it made her palms clammy, her stomach trip and turn itself into knots and tangles from the torment of it all. Maybe if she was someone who had her priorities straight she would have seen that to other people, getting a detention wasn't that big of a deal, but unfortunately for her, Emilia was not like other people and there was a sour taste in the back of her mouth that left her feeling ill.

Beside her, Sirius continued to yap away with no repercussions and Emilia went back to pretending he didn't exist, wishing that once she turned to look at him that it would come true.

song of choice while writing: first love / last spring by mitski

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