Midge sat up, she saw from under the shades that the sky was lightening and she'd have to get home, she hoped it at least stopped snowing by now. She looked over and smiled when she saw Lenny sleeping soundly, his arm wrapped around her waist. Part of her still couldn't believe she did it, she finally took the plunge and slept with him, she'd been wanting this for a long time, no matter how much she tried to deny it to herself and did deny it to everyone else.

She finally gave in and she was happy she did, she wasn't going to lie to herself anymore, she wanted this, she wanted him, and she had a feeling he felt the same. She knew it wouldn't be easy but she thought it was worth a shot, she cared about him, a lot, and he showed her he cared about her too. So when he woke up she was going to talk to him and see if he wanted to try, really try to be together.

She softly moved his hand off her waist and stood up, making sure to take his button-up with her. She stretched before buttoning a few to at least be semi-covered before making her way to the bathroom. She'd always been a nosey person by nature so after she used the facilities and washed her hands she didn't think twice about looking around his stuff for some chapstick. She gasped when she opened a bag and found needles with a vile that had the word morphine on it.

She stared at it for a long time, she might have been raised with a pretty sheltered life but she knew what this was, she knew what addicts were, and she also knew the only way someone would be prescribed something like this was if they were dying or maybe recovering from the breaking of all their bones at once, it was strong medication. She knew Lenny had his vices, he never hid that, fuck she had her vices too but this was different. She was worried about him, and she also felt profound sadness, she cared about him a lot, maybe even loved him but she couldn't be involved with someone who was doing things like this, she had her kids to think about. She was so lost in her thoughts that it took her a moment to notice Lenny was now in the bathroom with her until he started talking.

"So I was thinking… that is not for you," he added after he noticed her holding the bag, he grabbed it from her and put it on a shelf.

"Lenny, what?"

"You don't need to worry about that."

"But…"

"All is well. Now get dressed, we'll go spring the riff-raff, then I'll take you for some truly terrible Chinese food, okay?"

She eventually nodded but her mind was set on the bag, all through getting dressed, going to the police station, bailing everyone out that was caught the night before, and making their way to the Chinese food place. They had a good time while eating, she was distracted for a while but then she noticed his leg bouncing up and down incessantly, bringing her back to her worried and dark thoughts. She felt words bubbling up inside her, she knew she couldn't stop them even though she was almost positive they weren't smart words to say.

Still, she opened her mouth, "I like you!"

"What?"

"I like you and I think you like me too."

"Midge," He said, reaching across the table to rest his hand on hers, but she pulled her hand back out of reach.

"But I can't be involved with anyone who uses that stuff, I might not know a lot about it but I know it's bad and dangerous. I can't have my kids around it."

"Midge…"

"It's just really disappointing."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He asked angrily, loudly.

"I've been fighting this for so long," she said pointing her fingers back and forth between them, "and I finally gave in, and I thought you wanted me to, felt the same way."

"I do…"

"But it can't happen now. Not like this, my life is crazy enough, fucked up enough, I can't have that in it making it worse. I just meant it's disappointing to know that the 'one day' we talked about in Miami was just one night, last night. That that's all it can be now."

"Midge…" He tried to start again but she stood up ready to leave, before she did she leaned down and kissed him once softly on the lips.

"I'll come to see you at Carnegie Hall, support you but then I guess that's it, as far as we go. I'll always be here if you need me but it can't be more than that, not like this. Goodbye, Lenny."

She saw he was preparing to say something else but she left before he could. She was already doing everything she could to stop herself from crying, she couldn't take anymore. She hadn't felt the need to cry for a long time, but she was hurting right now. Hurting much more than she hoped to be, she realized that meant that she cared about him more than she knew, she did love him, probably had for a long time. She was just being purposefully blind because she learned long ago living in denial was usually easier than living with the shitty things going on in her life.

Though she tried to stop them, the tears were falling by the time she made it to Susie's office. Susie got that face she always got whenever she was scared of the emotions Midge was showing, her eyes wide, scared, mouth slack, hands up warning Midge to keep her distance. Soon though she dropped her hands and took a few steps closer to Midge actually worried about her friend. Midge was surprised at how quickly the story fell out of her, it seemed she was having a problem keeping her words to herself today. She told Susie everything, every detail, every little step she took on the road that ended with her falling for Lenny Bruce, down to the final words she said to him before leaving the restaurant and crying while running right over to Susie's. Midge was surprised when she felt Susie's arms wrap around her, awkward as she clearly was, patting her back as if Midge was a cat, she leaned in anyway.

"I know this sucks Midge, but I have to say, you did the right thing. You don't need that shit in your life. Fuck, he doesn't either. In fact, it really pisses me the fuck off that he's squandering all that goddamn potential for an easy high."

Midge's only response was another small sob before she sat up, dug in her purse, and pulled out a napkin to start cleaning her face, she had to pull herself together. Susie could still see the sadness and despair though, it was almost like a cloud floating around Midge, every time you got close enough you felt it too.

"Who knows, maybe you're just the wake-up call he needed and he'll get his shit together."

"You think?" Midge asked, hope clear in her voice and eyes, Susie immediately regretted her words, she didn't want Midge to sit around waiting for him to get his act together. Susie knew enough addicts in her life so she knew her words were most likely wrong, people who used that shit usually ended up in jail or dead.

She shrugged. "Like I said, who knows. From what I've seen from other guys, they're willing to do just about anything to be with you. I swear your vagina got magic powers or something."

Midge halfheartedly slapped Susie's arm, "Susie!"

"Hey, I'm not joking, all you gotta do is snap your fingers and three new men come running."

Midge let out a wet laugh, still trying to stop herself from crying. It wasn't long before they changed subjects and got back to work. What else could she do? She couldn't stop living because of Lenny, no matter how much she just wanted to lie in bed and cry for a month.

~~~~~

Carnegie Hall went about as well as she expected, Lenny did amazing but she never had any doubt about that, it was after that the problems started. He yelled at her, like a lot, she fought back saying things she regretted immediately after they left her mouth and he might as well have admitted he loved her when he told her that she could break his heart. They didn't talk about their night in the blue room or their talk the morning after and they went their separate ways after. Something inside Midge told her she wouldn't see him again for a long time and she felt another piece of her heart break because of it.

She got her time in bed to grieve the relationship that never was, though everyone else just thought she was bedridden on account of the frostbite. It didn't matter, she felt more like herself after she was back on her feet, though there was a constant pain and emptiness inside her that she worked hard to ignore. She spent the next month getting any show she could, the shittiest ones there were, just to get on stage again, and every time she got a new gig she was filled with both excitement and sadness because she couldn't help but think of Lenny, he was the one that was finally able to smack some sense into her on the stage at Carnegie, she didn't want to be responsible for his heartbreaking anymore than it clearly already was.

It was almost like her mother knew she was grieving a relationship because her mama didn't even bring up men until two months after Midge had gotten over her frostbite. When Midge asked why she stopped talking about Midge getting remarried for so long her response was "You're not dumb Miriam, by any means. For you to do something as stupid as risking your life by going out in a blizzard while your father-in-law was supposedly dying in the hospital, well, I knew whoever it was had to be important and I realized after a while you weren't seeing him anymore, your not good at hiding your sadness. I figured a relationship like that deserved its mourning time. Now though, it's been two months and you're still much too pretty to be a divorcee the rest of your life, it's time to get back out there."

Huh, she supposed she wasn't hiding her heartbreak from her parents as well as she thought. Oh well, her mother was right about one thing, she couldn't stay like this forever, so it was time to move on. Just because she hadn't been dating the last few months didn't mean she hadn't been asked out, she had, by quite a few men, three of whom at the time she thought she would have said yes to if she weren't already in love with someone else. So she called one and belatedly accepted the date he asked her out on. They went to a restaurant, it was fine, he was nice and sweet, he listened to her and seemed interested in what she had to say but she didn't laugh once. She knew about ten minutes in she wouldn't be seeing him again.

By month four she went on dates with five different men, all distinguished, handsome, nice, raised well, and made enough money that she wouldn't have to worry about it ever again. Only one said they were okay with her life in comedy and really meant it. So she saw him again, and again, he even made her crack a smile a few times on a date and he made her really laugh once. He wasn't disgusted or overwhelmed when she took him to one of her gigs, she made sure to take him to a blue night, there was no reason to take this any further if he couldn't take her comedy at the dirtiest and most deprived that it could be. He laughed the whole time. Yeah, Micheal was a good guy and a great fit on paper. Sure, she didn't feel that zing she knew well and missed greatly, she didn't get those butterflies every time he kissed her, and she didn't get the feeling that he knew and understood her more than anyone else ever had or ever will, but that was okay. She could be happy with this.

So when he invited her to spend the night she agreed. He had a nice apartment, one only a few blocks away from hers in an even nicer area. It was beautiful and she imagined what her life could be when he showed her around, she smiled softly, she could be happy here she thought. So when he kissed her she kissed him back determinately, forcefully not remembering the last man that kissed her, the fire she felt when his hands touched her, the lust and love that filled her that night. No Midge, Lenny is the past, this is your future. She needed something more to take her mind away from Lenny so she went for Michael's shirt, him taking that as permission to do the same. Soon she was down to just her bra his hands pawing at her breasts. He broke the kiss and pulled away, she looked at him confused.

"What's this?" He asked as he chuckled lightly and reached over, grabbing something out of her bra.

Midge gasped as she saw what he had and quickly snatched it back, holding it close to her chest. "Nothing."

"Oh, okay." He said, now he was the one sounding confused. "Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the moment."

He leaned forward to kiss her again but she quickly pulled back, "No, it's okay, uh, thank you, I shouldn't be here, I can't do this."

"Midge, what?" He asked but Midge didn't stay still, she stood up quickly getting her dress back on and looking around for her purse, all the while holding the fortune Lenny gave her tight in her hand before placing it safely back in her bra.

"Sorry, this isn't going to work. I didn't mean to waste your time, I really wanted to get over him, I did, I'm just not there yet."

"Your ex-husband?" He asked and she felt worse for how understanding he sounded.

"No,"

"Oh… whoever gave you that paper?"

"Yeah, sorry Micheal, you're a great guy and you'll find the right one for you. I wish it could have been me but I'm just not. At least not until I can get past Lenn—him."

She opened the door to leave but felt two hands on her shoulders stopping her, she turned around with her eyes wide. "I understand, believe me, it took me a long time to be ready to move on after my wife passed. Take all the time you need, maybe think about giving me a call when you are ready. I'm not saying I'll stand by the phone waiting but I do really like you, Midge, and think we can be good together."

She smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him once before turning back around and leaving, knowing that this would most likely be the last time she ever saw him.

By month five Midge was angry at herself. For all she knew Lenny was over in LA living it up, sleeping with other celebrities and not thinking of her for months. She wasn't going to live her life by him, no, she was stronger than that. Still, she couldn't just pretend those feelings weren't there, and she couldn't get over him by getting under someone she didn't care about. No, she had to get over him by getting under someone she knew she loved. That was where Joel came into play. Sure, he was in a relationship with Mei, and Midge liked Mei, fuck, if she was being honest she was a little scared of her too, but she wasn't going to let that ruin her plans. No, Joel already had a history of cheating and she was the mother of his children, they had a history, she could get him in bed if she wanted to. Plus, she had nothing to feel bad about, he was her husband first, if you wanted to get technical, it was almost like he had been cheating on her this whole time, he'd just be doing right by his wife if he were to sleep with her again. She knew she was just rationalizing it to herself to make the guilt go away but she was desperate and willing to do anything to move past this, past him. She planned to tell him all of that, minus the desperate part, before jumping him and screwing him until she wasn't constantly thinking of Lenny.

Except, she didn't need to say anything to convince him, apparently he'd been wanting her back for a long time now so all she had to do was bring it up and he agreed. The only problem was, almost the exact same thing that happened with Micheal happened with Joel, she really needed to stop keeping the fortune so close to her, no, what she needed to do was throw it in the trash, maybe when she did that she'd know she was over him. It was a little more embarrassing this time though because when she saw Joel holding the fortune she felt tears well up in her eyes. Thankfully, she was able to stop them from falling. Not enough though because Joel still noticed them.

"Midge? What's wrong?"

Fuck she thought, Why did he have to ask so softly and caringly? Because that was the last straw and a tear slipped down her cheek while she shook her head, trying to tell him she was okay, and reaching forward to kiss him again, trying to get past this, past him.

Unfortunately, Joel decided today was the day he was going to be a kind caring ex-husband because he placed his arms on her shoulders holding her at arm's reach, "No Midge, something is wrong here, you're not okay. Unless I'm forgetting something major from when we were married, crying before foreplay was not the norm."

"Please, just ignore it and keep going, I want to, I promise," More silent tears came down her face.

"No! I can't do that, it'd feel too much like you don't want it. What's wrong?" He held up the fortune, "Where'd you get this? You were fine before this came out."

He read what was on the paper, "Lucky numbers? A fortune?"

"That's not what it says," She said looking out of the window into the past, back to that Chinese restaurant with Lenny, remembering what he said word for word.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it says. Midge?" He asked when he realized she wasn't paying attention to him. "Who gave this to you?"

"Lenny," She said before she thought better of it. Her eyes widened when she realized and she turned her head to look back at Joel, feeling relieved when he looked just as confused as before.

"Lenny? Who's Lenny? An ex?" Again she was taken aback by how gentle and caring he sounded.

She hoped she wouldn't regret it but she decided to be honest. "Kind of, we never actually had a chance to be in a relationship so I don't think he can be considered an ex."

"Who is he? What happened?"

"He's just dealing with some things that don't work well for a relationship. Plus he's traveling a lot, last I heard he's in LA. And if all goes to plan I'll be traveling a lot too soon. Plus he's just dealing with a lot right now."

"He travels a lot? What is he, a traveling salesman? He must be good at what he does, I know you and you're not the type to let yourself get emotionally involved unless you see a future with someone, so he has to make good money." He didn't say it meanly, just as if he thought it was the simple truth, which if she were being honest with herself, was the truth for most of her life. So she worked hard not to get mad.

Still, though, anger flared up because he was basically calling her shallow, saying she wouldn't get involved with someone unless they were in a certain tax bracket. So she said exactly what came to mind, if she wasn't so emotional and she was more clear-headed she was sure she wouldn't have used these words. "No, he's not a traveling salesman. And I don't care about his money, that's not why I love—care about him! I don't know a lot about his financials but I assume he's doing pretty well for himself, especially after Carnegie Hall, I mean they painted a whole room blue for him for God's sake."

"Carnegie Hall?" He asked confused before his eyes opened wide, "Carnegie Hall! You're talking about Lenny Bruce. Please don't tell me you're talking about Lenny Bruce, Midge! Please."

"It doesn't matter if I am or not…"

"Midge, what the fuck! Are you doing this to get back at me for leaving you?"

"What?" She was beyond confused.

"You know how much I idolized the guy, why else would you go after him?"

"Uh, because over the years we've slowly but surely fallen in love with each other. I can promise you, you weren't ever a thought for me when I was with Lenny. Well, maybe the first night but only for a second right after he insinuated I was a prostitute and I realized who he was."

"What? And when was that?"

"Why does that matter?"

"It does!"

"Oh, you're wondering if it overlapped with you at all. Well no, I met him the night you left me, actually. After I got arrested for flashing the whole audience at the Gaslight. He was in the back of the cop car getting arrested for something similar."

"Flashing the…"

"No, he just got arrested while on stage, a different stage. I bailed him out the next day, he got me high the day after that and our strange friendship started."

"Got high with him?" He shook his head, putting that thought aside for later and focusing on what he thought was important now. When he spoke his anger was back in full force, "So you were with him when we tried to make it work?"

"No! You're the only cheater here, Joel. We were just friends, it wasn't until later, much later, and we were states away from here that I started admitting to myself that I wanted more." Her tears were gone now, she was somehow angry and nostalgic at the same time, angry because she was forced to explain herself to Joel, nostalgic because the memories she was talking about were good ones.

"States away?"

"Miami, I was on tour and he was living there, he took me out, brought me on Miami after dark, and we went out to dinner and dancing after before ending up at his hotel room."

"And that's where you fucked him," he said venomously.

"No, I went back to my hotel. No, I didn't fuck him until after he came to see me working at the strip club the same night we got raided, the night I left you at the hospital. Running from the cops gets us both hot, apparently!" She yelled just as venomously.

"Fuck! I don't have to listen to this, I'm getting out of here!" He yelled and started getting his things together.

"Joel, wait!" Joel turned around looking almost hopeful, like he hoped she was going to beg him to stay. "I need the fortune back."

He crumpled it up and threw it on her floor before stomping out of the house and slamming the door. She sighed, she should have known this was a terrible idea from the beginning. Maybe Susie was right and sleeping with a nobody was the best way to go about it, she wouldn't ever have to see him again. Then Lenny wouldn't be the last person she slept with and she wouldn't have to compare him to anyone else. Yeah, maybe that was what she'd do but she knew she needed a little more time because it'd take her a little while to get past this car reck of a disaster.

When it hit six months since her night with Lenny and Carnegie Hall she decided she'd be okay living her life without sex. It might kill Mama and Papa but maybe she'd revert and go catholic so she could go to a nunnery. She laughed and wrote down in her book the jokes that came from that thought. Okay, so no nunnery but she could take some time off men, maybe forever, she'd see.

Month seven she felt okay, sure, that spot was still missing inside her but she'd gotten used to it, she figured it'd always be there and she was okay with that. She had a good life, her comedy was getting back on track, especially after she took over the Gorden Ford interview and got her comedy out there nationally. Sure, Gordon hated her now and she sure as hell wasn't going to get her contract renewed but she didn't want that anyway and had gotten tons of gigs since the show, so she called that a win. Her family was good, things with Joel evened out, he was no longer scowling at her every time they were in the same room, and her parents were happy with their new careers. Sure, everyone in the house was depending on her to pay for it but that was okay. Well, at least until her contract ends because then she'll have to worry until she finds something new.

She was sitting at the Stage Deli, Susie left about twenty minutes ago, she'd have left too if she wasn't so busy writing in her joke book. She was on a roll today, she was so focused on writing that she didn't notice the rest of the people in the deli go quiet for a few long moments, and it took her longer than she was proud of to realize someone was sitting across from her in the booth.

When she finally did, she flicked her eyes up quickly to see who it was before going back to writing. A moment later she froze and dropped her pen. She looked up surprised, she almost didn't recognize him, it almost didn't look like him, he wasn't as pale, he was still tall and skinny but not as skinny as he was before, more healthy, his suit fitted him better. And there was something new behind his eyes, something more alive. She wasn't sure what was different but she had a feeling it was good, she was happy, so she smiled.

"Lenny."