My friends call me a loser

'Cause I'm still hanging around

He broke up with her. Finally.

One week ago exactly, he ended it. He called her, he was going to send her an email, but after some soul searching he realized he couldn't end an engagement like that. That was too cold, and he's not cold. He's warm. Loving. Gentle. Kind. But he wasn't in love with her anymore, and that was a fact. He couldn't, in good conscience, marry her.

Now he's single and I've been in love with him since the moment we met, almost one year to the date.

I thought after he broke up with Beth, that would be it, we'd finally be together. Not because I'd be his rebound, his sloppy seconds, but because we're meant to be.

Apparently everyone knows it, but him. With our connection, chemistry, short hand…all of it. I think he's in love with me too…he's just not ready to admit it, yet.

But last night, he finally said something to me about it. He came into my tent and asked if we could speak outside, alone.

He went into full detail about the breakup and why he did it (as if I didn't already know every single detail on why he and Beth were toxic to one another, he's my best friend, he tells me everything).

I listened, nodded and rubbed his back when he started to tear up. And then he said it.

"Teddy…I think we both know that part of the reason I couldn't continue on with Beth is…"

"Is?" I asked.

He then grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me hard and soft at the same time. Electricity immediately flowed through my mind, heart and body. This was it. Owen and I would finally express our true feelings for one another and be together.

He broke our kiss for a second to smile and look into my eyes. I smiled back and pulled him back in.

"We need to find somewhere more private." I giggled into his mouth. I think we both knew where this was going.

"I couldn't agree more…" he said.

The first time we made love, it was incredible. Almost a year of sexual tension, passion and love finally being released in the physical realm of our relationship.

We moved so well together too, I'd never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. He made me feel loved, respected and beautiful. He catered to all of my needs first. We talked, we laughed, tangled up in the sheets. My inner fears diminished. It was the best night. I wasn't his rebound. I wasn't his sloppy seconds. We were deeply, madly, in love with each other.

Dumb love, I love being stupid

Dream of us in a year

Maybe we'd have an apartment

And you'd show me off to your friends at the pier

After that night, I started imagining what our lives would be together. Both our tours were coming to an end and we would finally be getting out of the hell that was a war zone in Iraq.

Where would we go? Back to his home in Seattle? Or back to mine in New York? Would we move in together right away? Would we be engaged in a year or so? Would we have kids?

I know he wanted them, so much. I think I'd like to be a mom, the concept scares the hell out of me but I think that's normal. The idea of having and raising a child with Owen was something that swelled my heart at the very thought.

But it's only been a couple of weeks since we've gotten together…slow down there, Altman.

Almost every night, we're intimate, in some way or another. Many days are so packed we barely get to see or talk to one another, but when we do, we can't keep our hands off one another.

The sex was great. The orgasms were better. But the talking…our talks…we barely talked anymore. Just fucked.

One month in and no one knew we were together. Owen wanted to keep things quiet, to simply enjoy being "us," for a while. His breakup with Beth was so public because, for one thing, everyone hated Beth and was actually betting on how long it would take Owen to finally end it with her. Including his own sister!

But I didn't want to keep things between us anymore. I was in love with this man! And he was in love with me, or so I thought. I wanted us to finally shout it from the roof tops, so to speak, that we finally got our heads on straight and were honest about our feels for each other.

Knee deep in the passenger seat, and you're eating me out

Is it casual now?

After a month and a half of casual, albeit, passionate sex, tangled up in the sheets and Owen's arms, I finally spoke up.

"Owen?"

"Mmmm?" He breathed into my hair.

"What is this? What are we?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

Typical man. Oblivuous to how this situation could make a woman feel.

"Owen, we've been…"together," I said with air quotes, "for over a month now and yet all we do is fuck in secret, barely have a conversation before we're ripping our clothes off and not to mention, acting like we're still "just friends," and not a couple in front of everyone!" I realized I was shouting.

"Whoa…" He said and sat up and threw his hands up in the air. "Teddy…I just got out of a five year relationship tied into a two year engagement. I'm just trying to take things slow…for now."

"Slow? SLOW?" I let out a humorless laugh. "Owen, fucking me almost every night since you broke up with Beth isn't taking things slow…"

And I try to be the chill girl

That holds her tongue and gives you space

I try to be the chill girl

But honestly, I'm not

"Teddy I…I'm sorry…I"

"Do you love me?" I blurted out.

I'm usually not this girl. The girl who desperately wanted the man she loves to be as in love with her as she is with him. I felt like an idiot. But the feelings weren't new, we'd just been dancing around our fate for way too long and finally, we acted upon it.

"Of course I do!" Owen shouted.

"Really? Because I would think if you loved me, you wouldn't want to hide, you wouldn't want to be "professional," which is bullshit by the way. You wouldn't want to treat me like some casual fling just to get your rocks off while you're out here…"

"Teddy you know that's not what this is!"

It's hard being casual

When my favorite bra lives in your dresser

"But it is, Owen. Every day we work, we face death, we cry, we meet up, we fuck."

He stared at me, eyes wide open, speechless. Like he had no idea what I was talking about.

"Owen we barely even talk anymore…you and I we used to talk, for hours! That's one of the things that I love most about you, that not only can you blow my mind in bed but that you can blow my mind with your inner most thoughts, that I can talk to you about any and everything going on in this crazy head of mine."

By this point I was crying. Already mourning the loss of the mere ideas of where I thought our relationship was going.

"Teddy…" Owen attempted to take my face in his hands and kiss me, but I backed away.

"No…Owen. No. I can't do this. I can't do casual. And that's what this is. I don't know why, it's not how I imagined the start of our lives together but, you're not ready for this. For us. You're not ready. And I get that. I do. But I think for now…you need to think about what you really want."

"Teddy, come on!"

"I'm done, Owen. We're done."

I hate that I let this drag on so long, now I hate myself

Hate that I let this drag on so long, you can go to hell