A/N

Trigger warning: abuse / SA

Thank you for all the reviews! They give me the inspo to write :)

Sorry for the delay! I will 100% be finishing this story (i too have been frustrated at getting so invested in stendan fics only for them to be abandoned before being completed!) I've just been away. :)

Chapter 19

Ste pov

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horse and all the king's men, couldn't put humpty together again

Ste repeated the rhyme softly over and over again as he rocked back and forth on the floor. He'd been in his room since Brendan left him, he'd avoided the nurses and Milly for most of the afternoon, he couldn't bear to speak to anyone else. He was bundled into the corner of his room, knees pulled up to his chin, arms wrapped around them as he replayed the moment he told Brendan in his mind.

He should have stayed silent, kept it a secret, buried it. It was out there now and he'd never be able to get it back in the box. He knew the police would never be able to charge Simon, there wasn't a single piece of evidence, it was just his word against Simons, he'd get away with it but Ste had come to terms with that. He told Louise multiple times that he was terrified of people thinking he was making it up or exaggerating, that he was scared Brendan wouldn't believe him or blame him. If he was honest though, deep down, he'd thought Brendan would believe him. That was the whole reason he went to the police, because he didn't want Brendan to take matters into his own hands.

He'd just walked away from him though, didnt ask a question or if he was ok. He wouldn't even look at him, probably disgusted with him. He wouldn't come here again, wouldn't want to spend any time with him again, Brendan didn't like people who were weak. What if he told people? What if he told Cheryl? Cheryl was friendly with Simon and she might take his side, like she did with Gilly and Jackie.

He felt like his throat was getting tighter, maybe he should lie down on his bed. He put his leg out to move but a wave of nausea hit him when he tried to move, what was wrong with him? He leant back against the wall and closed his eyes, he'd give it another go in a minute.

He heard a knock at the door

"Here you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!" she gave him a quizzical grin "what are you doing down there?"

He squinted as he tried to look at her, she looked fuzzy.

"Ste?" she knelt down next to him, steadying herself with her hand on his knee.

"He left me" he whispered

"What are you talking about?" she reached out and stroked his hair, running her fingers through the front and down the back of his head.

"What the fu- oh Jesus! HELP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

Why was she screaming? Did she feel weird too?

Some of the nurses rushed in and then he could feel people pulling him so he was lying down flat on the floor, there was commotion around him, someone yelling for a doctor, people trying to talk to him. He managed to peel his eyes open and tried to focus on something, he looked at the wall he'd been sitting against, it's usually a bland off white colour but now there were large streaks of red on it, and the floor. Why had someone done that?

He was too tired to care right now, he felt like his body was shutting down. He decided to succumb to the fatigue and let it take him. Let it take him far away.

When Ste cracked his eye open it felt like someone shining industrial lasers into them, why were hospital lights always so bright? This wasn't the first time he'd woken up, but this was the first time he'd bothered to open his eyes, it felt eerily like when he'd woken up at hollyoaks general when he had sepsis.

Amy had her handbag placed on the end of his bed and was searching through it for something, her hair was roughly pulled back in a low ponytail, it didn't look like she was wearing any make up either, she looked stressed.

"Hi" he croaked

She jumped and grabbed her chest in shock

"Oh! You scared me!"

He gave her a weak smile. She hurriedly pulled a chair up so she could sit as close as possible to him, taking his closest hand in hers.

"How are you?"

Her eyes looked tired, slightly red and dark circles marking her usually youthful face. He grimaced knowing he'd probably been the causing factor.

"Sorry stupid question, shall I get the doctor?"

He gave a small shake of his head. It was the first time he'd looked around the room, this didn't look like the normal hospital, it was a private room for one. Amy seemed to catch his movements,

"We're still in Clairmont, it's the hospital wing"

"Oh"

He lightly touched the back of his head

"Does it hurt?"

"No"

"Oh Ste, what happened?" she asked with equal concern and exasperation.

He looked at her in confusion and then off to the side as he tried to remember what had happened.

"I… i dunno"

She squeezed his hand to get his attention back.

"They said you must have been hitting your head against the wall, self harming. You split your head open, you've got a compound fracture. They've stitched you up, you're on some painkillers" she pointed at the drip in his arm "you'll have to stay here for a couple of days before you can go back to the main wings"

He'd done this to himself, again. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't remember doing it, or wanting to do it, he'd just been so sad about Brendan.

"Hey, what happened? Did you speak to Brendan?"

He nodded softly. "Yeah" it was barely audible.

"How did he take it?"

"I don't think he believed me"

"What?! Why? What did he say?"

He took a deep breath "he didn't say anything, i told him what Simon did and he just left"

"Without saying a word?"

He nodded

"Was he angry?"

"Dunno. He just walked away, like as soon as I said it."

"Okay, so he didn't actually say he didn't believe you, he just reacted weirdly. Brendan acting weirdly isn't exactly something new, no offence". She said with a sympathetic smile.

"Why didn't he ask any questions? or why i kept quiet? Like you did."

She sighed softly "Maybe he didn't need to."

He scrunched his face up in confusion, Amy was looking through her lashes at him like he was being slow. Then it dawned on him

"You think he want after Simon"

"He's hot headed at the best of times. Have the police been in touch?"

"No…. wait, what day is it?"

It just dawned on him he had no idea how long he'd been out for or what he'd missed.

"Monday, afternoon"

"Oh, no. not heard anything more since I gave my statement."

"I wonder if they've spoken to him yet, or do they look for evidence first"

"What evidence?" he said sullenly

"I don't know, investigate into his past or something, he has been in prison after all"

He shrugged halfheartedly.

"Okay" she said quietly. She must have read that he didn't want to talk about what would happen with the police, which he's pretty sure was absolutely nothing.

Maybe Brendan had believed him, maybe he'd gone to confront Simon. He dreaded to think what would have come of that, but surely the police or Cheryl would have been in touch if something had happened, they wouldn't just leave him in the dark. Surely.

"Has anyone… been in touch, do you know?" he asked, looking at her out of the corner of his eye whilst nervously playing with the bed sheet.

She shook her head and gave a tight smile.

Oh.

If Brendan believed Simon had hurt him but still didn't want to see him, it must be because he blamed him. Maybe he could live with that, if he was honest, he blamed himself anyway. He went to the house of a man who he didn't know and stayed there all day, drank with him, even flirted with him. Maybe he deserved it, stupid Ste did a stupid thing and learnt his lesson the hard way. He wasn't a kid anymore, he blamed his step dad for everything when he was a kid and how he treated Amy, he blamed Brendan for what he did, he probably needed to start looking a bit closer to home. Stop playing the victim. Brendan hated victims. Everyone hates victims. Time to grow up.

"I don't think i can go home"

"What?"

"When i leave here, i know i've got the deli but if Simon still lives there and if Brendan-" he couldn't bring himself to vocalise it, "i just dont think i can live there anymore." he nervously chewed at his lip.

"You don't need to worry about that now" she smoothed down the hairs over his forearm.

"But i am worried, i think about it all the time Ames"

"Well then you come and live with me and the kids in Manchester. Like before, all of us together. We'll sort out the Deli with Doug, if thats what you want?"

He gave her a shaky nod as eyes welled up. "K"

The tension in the air was broken when Amy's phone beeped loudly, she pulled it from her bag and checked it.

"I've gotta go. My dad's just pulled in the carpark"

"Oh yeah, sorry" he slapped his palm on his forehead "god you should have been at college today!"

"Hey, no it's fine, it's the school holidays. No studying at college or working at the school. I get paid too" she said with a wink trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh, right. Yeah. I kind of lost track of time here. Are the kids ok?"

"Yeah, they've gone to a petting farm today, me and dad will go pick them up now."

He was suddenly hit by another wave of emotion and he grabbed her hand tightly.

"I am really sorry, you know. I know I'm a burden and I'm not your problem anymore. You don't have to keep coming, i understand you have enough to do"

She leant down and kissed the top of his head before pulling his hand up in both of hers to kiss the top of his fingers too. There were tears in her eyes.

"You're not a burden, you hear me" she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her cardigan. "You're my best friend. But I need you to get better, ok? I really need you to get better, can you do that for me?"

He nodded as he sniffed back his own tears.

"Yeah"

...*******

Ste absentmindedly ran his fingers over the securely wound crepe bandage wrapped around his head, it was starting to itch and he really wanted to wash his hair.

"Is it irritating you?"

"A bit"

Louise tilted her head as she observed him with a sympathetic smile. She'd not pushed him like she usually did since he got out of the hospital wing, she always managed to get more out of him when he clammed up, find a way in when he shut down, but not today.

She tightened her ponytail before removing her glasses and leaving back in her chair.

"It can come off in a day or two. How are the painkillers? Any nausea?"

"No"

"Good. any pain when you sleep?"

"No" he tried hard not to pout "it's starting to itch"

"Thats a good sign. Its healing well, couple more days on antibiotics and you'll be-"

"Good as new" he finished sarcastically.

She raised her brows and gave him a pointed look.

"How was your first night back in your room?"

He'd been convinced they would put him in a different room, he wasn't sure why, but he thought that would just be standard practice. So imagine his surprise when they took him back to his old - albeit freshly painted - room. Same armchair, same pictures blu-tacked to the wall, same bedside table, he supposed he should be thankful they hadn't put him in a padded cell.

"Fine, good as new. like nothing ever happened"

"But something did happen. I think it's time we address that"

He shrugged noncommittally.

"You said you don't remember anything"

"No, i said i don't remember doing it" he corrected

"Ok, so what do you remember? Being in the garden?

"Yeah"

"And then"

"Walking to my room"

"And then you sat on the bed?"

"No, on the floor"

"Why on the floor?"

He looked at her blankly, was it weird? That's what he'd done since he was a child, as long as he could remember. Whenever he was scared or upset he'd always go to his room and hide, curl up into a ball and make himself as small as possible. When he was a kid it made sense, the smaller he was the less of a target he was. When he'd hear his step dads feet pounding down the hallway it felt like the only way to try and stay safe. He'd wedge himself between his rackety bed and the wall, where the paint was peeling off and flaked onto the threadbare carpet, sometimes he'd stay there for hours.

Then it became a habit. When he'd hurt Amy and he was reminded that he was turning into Terry, the man he hated the most, he'd console himself on the floor of their room whilst she wept in the bathroom. When Brendan would beat him he'd do the same, run and hide, sometimes in the damp cold club cellar behind the beer barrels. it was his comfort zone.

"It helps me, I guess," he whispered.

She nodded softly and wrote something down on her leather bound notepad with her montblanc pen. He surreptitiously craned his neck up to try and see what she was writing, he hated when she wrote things about him, his paranoia got the best of him. He'd die to know what she jotted down, bad choice of words.

"Do you remember hitting your head against the wall?"

"No" he answered quickly

"So it was a blackout?"

He chewed the inside of his cheek and he felt his face frown as he tried to recall. There was no 'blackout', he was there, he remembered everything.

"I just don't remember doing it, or wanting to do it" he sniffed back a sob "i thought i was getting better" he could feel the tears pooling in his eyes so he looked to the ceiling trying to blink them back.

"Ste, your first session here you didn't say a word to me, not one word. Do you remember that? You've come on leaps and bounds, but there will always be set backs, bumps in the road. That's life i'm afraid"

she leant forward and poured two glasses of water from the crystal jug on her desk, sliding one over to him, he hesitated for a second before picking it up and sipping it.

"It's all about coping mechanisms. We need to get better at recognising when something has triggered you, and finding a way to deal with it before you slip into old habits. We've only got 10 minutes left today so we'll spend tomorrow's session on this, does that sound good?"

He nodded "yeah" he croaked. "Yes" he repeated more confidently.

He slapped the top of the chair arms and started dragging himself to a standing position

"What are you doing?"

He looked at her perplexed. "Leaving?"

"I said we have 10 minutes left"

"Oh"

"Sit yourself back down Ste" she said in a very matronly tone

He slumped back down in the chair.

"We've not talked about Brendan. He's called everyday, he turned up yesterday. He's very insistent on seeing you. How do you feel about that?"

He looked away nervously and fidgeted in his seat bringing his nails up to his mouth so he could naw on the broken skin.

"Does he know about this?" he smoothed a finger over the bandage on his head.

She nodded "I believe Amy informed him. Would you like to see him?"

"Do you know what he wants?"

"He seemed to think you didn't leave things well on sunday."

He stayed silent and played with his sleeves, he'd been thinking about Brendan a lot. The hardest game in the world was trying to work out what Brendan was thinking, he'd played it and lost many times in the past. He knew what he wanted Brendan to be calling/visiting for, but what Brendan was actually trying to see him for could be miles apart. Ste didn't think he could take a grilling or any more let downs.

"How did you leave things last? It obviously had an affect on you"

"I told him what happened and he left. He never said nothing"

"What was said?'

"I said Simon… i said what he did and he got up and walked away"

"That must have been confusing for you"

He could feel his lip starting to quiver so he chose not to answer, but looked up at her from under his lashes and nodded.

"Hearing news like that about a loved one can be traumatic for someone, they may not react how they would have wanted to, or how you would have wanted them to"

A loved one. Louise thinks Brendan loves him. wrong.

"You think I should see him?"

"No, I think you should do what's right for you. If you need space from him, take it."

He started to scratch his nails along the wood legs of his chair. His head and his heart never did agree.

"When you asked me to help you with reporting this to the police, you knew it wouldn't be easy. We talked about how hard it would be and you decided the pros outweighed the cons. Do you feel differently now?"

…

Ste stretched out languidly and let out a loud yawn to accompany it. He was sprawled out on the sofa that was situated directly in front of the common room TV with his head resting on a pillow in Milly's lap. He checked the clock, 8pm, he must have dozed off.

"Hello sleepy head" Milly cooed and she drew light circles on his forehead with her finger.

"Mmmmm. I just had my eyes closed for a second" he replied sleepily

She let out a small laugh as she raised her eyebrows at him, he'd made quite a big deal about not wanting to watch any chick flicks when they were choosing their film and then he'd gone and fallen asleep, he flashed her a guilty smile.

He heaved himself into a sitting position and threw his legs over the side so he sat up straight next to Milly. He blinked slowly at the light headed feeling the movement gave him.

"You ok?" she said touching his hand

"Yeah. I just sat up too fast. Bandages come off tomorrow" he said as he scratched at the irritating material that covered the first inch of his forehead.

She gave him a beaming smile as she traced her fingers over his thigh that was next to hers and then gave it a squeeze. Milly was one of the most tactile people he'd ever met, someone like Brendan would despise the constant touching and embracing, Ste however loved it. He'd grown up in a household devoid of love and emotion, there were no hugs or kisses, no one ever stroked his back when he was sick or held his hand when he was scared, he was starved of affection so he craved it wherever he could get it, even now.

"Fancy coming for a walk in the garden with me? I need a cigarette"

He shot her a questioning glance "i thought you quit?"

"Yes, but then therapy made me realise Milly Morrison is no quitter!" she said animatedly as she thrust herself up from the sofa.

He couldn't help but laugh as he took her offered out hand and let her pull him out of his seat.

It was a crisp summer evening with the sun setting but not yet gone. He walked barefoot in his sweat shorts and long sleeve t-shirt, trailing behind Milly as she shielded her lighter from the slight wind.

"Do you think about leaving here?"

She took a large drag of her cigarette and gave him a sideways glance.

"Yes"

"Are you scared?"

"This isn't my first rodeo, Ste. I know what to expect."

He scrunched up his nose "Is that better or worse?"

She let out a laugh causing her to choke slightly on her smoke. "Pfft, good question. I don't really know. I don't think I'll go back to my parents this time though, no point in faking that relationship anymore, they're still paying for my flat in Liverpool so I'll go there I guess. I've got friends"

Ste was still paying the rent on his flat on Hollyoaks so luckily he hadn't had to give his up either. The thought of going back there felt alien to him though, like it was from a different life. The place hadn't felt right since the kids had left, he'd thought about what Amy said, about him moving to Manchester, it wasn't a bad idea but when he thought about leaving there was a niggle in his stomach he couldn't shake.

"Aren't you scared of being on your own?"

"I've had my worst times when I've been surrounded by people. Never alone but always lonely. I think I'll be ok going it on my own for a while. It's about time"

Never alone but always lonely. That struck a chord with Ste, he'd spent the last 5 months like that, not being able to speak to anyone. He'd promised Amy he'd try his best to get better, and that started with being honest. With himself and with everyone else.

Milly stubbed out her cigarette and flicked the butt into the flower beds, earning an admonishing look off Ste. She held up her hands in a surrender gesture and gave him a guilty smile.

"You seem distracted," she said softly.

"Brendan wants to see me"

"Do you want to see him?"

"No. Yes. i don't know"

He collapsed on a bench and leant forward with his elbow on his knees and buried his face in his hands.

"I spoke to Doug today, and Tony yesterday. They were saying how they can't wait to see me again, they want me back home. Amy said the same thing, all she wants is for me to get better" he sighed and looked out to the far side of the garden.

"Okaaayy, and that's a problem because…?"

He took a deep breath

"I think they, all of them, want the old Ste back. The thing is, I don't think he exists anymore. I think he's gone and I'm scared they don't want what's left behind."

He'd been holding that in for ages, his real fear, that he would never be the same person he was and that's who everyone wants. He blew out the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and stared vacantly at the floor. They remained in silence for what felt like hours but in reality was about 5 minutes, Milly wasn't a therapist and the last thing she'd want to be doing is spouting out pop-psychology advice.

Instead she intertwined her fingers with his and lent across to lean her cheek on his shoulder. When one of the nurses came over to tell them it was room time they stood without fuss and made their way back inside, just before the door Milly pulled him back slightly and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

"They'd be lucky to have any version of you".

The heavens had well and truly opened today, he'd heard the rain splattering against his window since he'd woken up, opening up his curtains to see the thick grey sky, a grim summer's day indeed.

He'd barely got any sleep, tossing and turning all night trying to decide if he'd made the right decision and if he was going to regret it. It had been irritatingly humid in his room too, uncomfortably so and therefore hard to tell if his sticky clammy skin was down to that or down to his nerves. As he showered off the remnants of last night he rested his forehead against the shower wall and let the tepid water run over his naked body until his skin prickled with goosebumps.

He opted to dress in what had become his usual attire here, Sweat shorts, grey ones today and a hoodie with the hood up and his trusty Adidas trainers. He smoothed his wet hair into as much of a style as he could under his hood, it was really getting unmanageably longer than short back and sides and coiffed top he was used to these days.

He wasn't going to make the mistake he'd made the first time, waiting in the reception like a jittery stressed expectant father. No, he'd wait in the quietest room possible and they could come and find Ste when he came, if he came.

The quietest room happened to be the games room, there wasn't another soul in there today. Sunday visiting days usually ended up with the dining room and the TV room being the busiest areas anyway.

He plonked himself on the black leather sofa in the back that faced away from the foosball table and watched as his leg bounced with anxious energy and he pulled at his leg hairs mindlessly. He scratched the back of his head when he felt a sharp sting, he was keeping his hood up to disguise the slim shaved piece of skin around his wound stitches, the look was very reminiscent of 16 year old Ste.

At 12.05pm he heard the door to the room open causing him to cease his movements. He must have been here and waiting before visiting hours even started.

"He's just over there," a hushed female nurses voice said.

He heard the tell tale click of boot heels stroll through the room on the wooden floors, stopping at the side of the sofa, his heart was pounding in his chest.

"Can I sit?" came the low irish voice

Ste looked to his right and up into Brendans blue eyes, sad looking eyes.

He nodded.

Brendan carefully lowered himself into the space next to Ste, who didn't take his eyes off him the entire time, eyeing him up carefully.

"How are you?" Brendan visibly cringed as the words came out of his mouth.

"Ok" he croaked.

Brendan was wearing his fitted off black jeans with his boots, black v neck t-shirt and leather jacket, Ste used to call his off duty outfit. Brendan ran his palms up both of his thighs and blew out a sharp breath

"Steven… Last week, I shouldn't have left the way I did. I didn't, ahhh" Brendan shook his head and looked down at his lap "i didn't handle it the way i should have, the way i want to"

He looked over at Ste "i'm sorry".

Ste could have sworn he saw his lip quiver when he said that last word. He stared at him dumbfounded, the last time he saw Brendan like this, vulnerable, was when he was begging Ste to give him a second chance that time in his flat, before Eileen had come in and it had all gone to shit.

"Why did you leave?" his voice was small but he needed to know.

Brendan blew out another sharp breath.

"I… I couldn't handle it. When you told me, I just… I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill Walker for what he did. I was angry at myself, for not seeing, for not looking after you."

Ste took a deep breath and clasped his shaking hands together.

"Were you angry with me?" he whispered

Brendan's head snapped up and he looked met Ste's gaze intently.

"With you? No, never. Why would you think that?"

He lowered his gaze to the crucifix necklace on Brendans chest, he couldn't look him in the eye for this or he'd lose the little bit of bottle that he had.

"I dunno" he still couldn't put it into words.

Brendan's hand quickly moved towards Ste's face, causing him to flinch away, old habits.

The irishman looked visibly upset at his reaction for a split second before he composed himself leaving his hand where it was before gently looping his fingers into Ste's raised hood and cupping his neck.

"I'd never be angry with you about this. Ever. you know what i'm like Steven, act first think later. My temper got the better of me. I wanted him hurt"

Ste suddenly had a flashback of the call he'd had with DI Slater yesterday, when she'd phoned to give him an update on the investigation only to tell him that Walker had disappeared into thin air. She'd been extremely straight forward when he gave his statement, that they'd do everything they could but with no physical evidence and no eyewitnesses it would be difficult to get the CPS to go ahead with charges, it wasn't a shock to him but it stung nonetheless. On the phone however she seemed to think that as Simon was awol, it helped Ste's case in the long run as it made him look guilty. He hadn't considered the idea that Simon wasn't missing, he was gone.

"You didn't though, did you? Hurt him?" Ste questioned desperately

Brendan brow creased "No, but would it be that bad if I did? He needs to pay" his free hand clenched into a fist.

Ste grabbed onto the older man's wrist and pulled it off his neck, clutching it tightly.

"Yes! I don't want you to get in trouble for this, that was the whole reason I went through this, the police, having to go over every little detail. So I didn't have to worry about you!" he cried.

This couldn't all be for nothing, it would kill him if Brendan went down for hurting or killing Simon, whilst Ste never saw an ounce of justice for what happened. All the police and the papers would care about is that Brendan killed a man, a friend. They wouldn't care what that man had done to Ste, it wouldn't ever matter.

"Hey" Brendan used his other hand to cover the one Ste was gripping his wrist with "i didn't do anything to him, i wanted to, i won't lie. I tried to, i went looking for him, but he'd already gone"

Ste relaxed a little, good. Good. Simon wasn't dead. Brendan hadn't murdered.

Their hands were still linked.

"Don't worry about me Steven, i can take care of myself"

Ste dropped his hold on Brendan's wrist letting it flop to the sofa and pulled his hoodie sleeves over his hands. There it was, I can take care of myself.

"Unlike me you mean" he whispered

"What? No, Steven-" he reached out to touch him but Ste recoiled as far as he could.

He knew that's what Brendan would think. Stupid Ste, useless Ste, pathetic Ste. brought it on himself, couldn't fend Simon off because he's not a real man. Weak.

Truth be told they were all the things Ste thought about himself, ever since that night in January, but it didn't take away the pain or embarrassment of knowing Brendan thought it too.

He could feel a wave of tension in his face, the tell tale sign that he was going to cry, he couldn't do that infront of Brendan, he'd let himself down enough for one day.

"I need to go now" he used his shaky legs to stand "you don't have to come back, it's fine"

Brendan grabbed both of his arms desperately and pulled him back down, the look on his face was frantic and unpredictable, Ste always feared him when he behaved like this. He looked at where Brendans strong hands were clenched tightly around his arms, memories of Brendan beating him flashed through his mind, then Simon, Simon's hands on him, his weight pinning him to the floor, his hand tightly wrapped around his mouth. His heart started racing, Brendan was restraining him, he didn't want to be touched like that, never, never again. Shout, shout for help, don't let it happen again, he screamed to himself, but nothing came out, he looked into Brendan's face again, pleading with him not to do this.

Brendan seemed to read the agitation and panic in his face and he dropped Ste's arms immediately and pulled away.

"Steven, i wasn't going to do anything, i won't touch you, you're ok"

As he got his breathing back under control he realised how stupid he was being, it was Brendan, Brendan wasn't a threat like that. He was overreacting, he needed to get a grip. It's Brendan. It's just Brendan. Calm down. He internally chastised his overreaction.

He was back firmly in his seat now, hands pressed on the sofa either side of his lap, staring out in front of him, he knew Brendan was still looking at him but he didn't have the guts to make eye contact. Eventually Brendan settled back into a similar position, staring ahead, they sat in silence, not an entirely uncomfortable one.

Brendan broke it

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

He didn't know how to answer that, but secrets and lies hadn't made his life any easier over the past 6 months, so he decided to be as honest as he could manage.

"I was ashamed, and I was scared" his voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Of walker" Brendan concluded. "I wouldn't have let him near you"

"No. I was scared you wouldn't believe me. I couldn't have coped if you didn't" his voice broke at the end of his sentence.

He saw Brendans head whip round out the corner of his eye, he still didn't meet his gaze, he just looked down at his lap.

"Steven…i….how could you think….i would never…" the irishman was lost for words, he stuttered on his sentence.

"Steven" he'd composed himself now, he spoke sternly "look at me"

Ste shook his head slightly.

"Look at me. Please"

He tilted his chin towards the olderman before looking up and meeting his gaze.

"I would always believe you. I'd never have doubted you, anything you said"

"You don't blame me? think it were my fault?" please please please please. He needed this.

"Never" Brendan said it with such unwavering conviction, Ste wanted to believe him, needed to.

He nodded, such a small movement Brendan might have missed it if he wasn't staring at him so intently.

"Don't go looking for him"

"What?"

"Simon, please. Dont"

Brendan stared at him incredulously.

"Steven, he needs to pay. Even if the police catch up with him…it probably wouldn't, they wouldn't be able to…"

"I know" Brendan was trying to tactically tell him that Simon wouldn't serve time for what he did. "I don't care. I want to forget, he's gone now. I just want to move on"

The older man wanted to argue, it was written all over his face, but he bent. His expression softened and he hung his head letting out a sigh. "Ok. if that's what you want"

Ste knew there was a good chance he was just saying that to appease him, but he was too tired to push it.

An ever so slightly awkward silence settled over them.

"Are they helping ye, here, the doctors and that? Are they looking after you?"

"Yeah" he was sincere in his answer "they are"

"Good, good." Brendan's fingers were beginning to fidget, his praying mantis style movements that he did with nervous energy.

Ste wanted to distract him, but he was done talking. He looked in front of them.

"Can you play?" he nodded towards the chess set on the table in front of them.

Brendan looked over and a small barely detectable smile played over his lips.

"Yeah, i do"

"Can you teach me?"

Brendan stood quickly and offered out his hand to Ste to pull him up.

"of course I can".

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