A/N

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Chapter 24

Brendan pov

Today was better, today was already much better. Today his head wasn't pounding like there was a bass speaker trapped inside of it, today he could look at light without wincing away in pain, today he could think straight. Yesterday was a different story. Yesterday he'd woken up in bed that wasn't his in a room that wasn't his, mouth as dry as a desert with eyes that felt like they'd been rubbed with sandpaper. He was lay on his front, one arm dangling off the bed onto the floor and the other flung behind him on a pillow. He cowered from the intruding sunlight that peaked through the crack in the curtain by burying his face into the mattress. Nice sheets, hotel sheets, then he remembered, Liverpool, the brewery event, the whisky, all the whisky…..Kevin. He'd grimaced at the thought and slowly turned his head, hoping he'd made the whole sordid scenario up, no such luck, he saw the back of the blonde lads head, his pale broad shoulders, blonde hairy arms. Fuck.

He'd planned to sneak out of the room without stirring the barman up but he'd not managed that either, Kevin had woken up all bright eyed and bushy tailed, like yesterday had been something more than a huge drunken mistake, he wanted round 2, Brendan had quickly put an end to that when he'd sprinted to the bathroom to spew his guts up. He'd even had to let Kevin drive his car back to Hollyoaks; he was in that fragile of a state, a low point for Brendan Brady that's for sure. Once they'd got back to the village he'd made sure to ditch Kevin promptly, with a quick reminder that nothing had changed between them, he saw Kevins face fall slightly at that, but he needed to squash any stupid notion the kid had about them. He'd spent the rest of Saturday in bed drifting in and out of sleep, knight rider marathon on his tv in the background, god he loved that show. Now here he was, awake, showered, alert and ready for his afternoon with Steven.

He couldn't lie, he felt a bit put out that Steven or Amy hadn't at least text him to say they'd made it back to hollyoaks ok, or thanks for all the effort he put in at the flat, or you know, just let him know Steven was enjoying his weekend, but apparently that was too much to ask. He was putting that annoyance to one side though, he didn't want it to shadow today. They had no concrete plans but Brendan had been mulling it over and had decided he'd go to Stevens to pick him up and bring him back to the flat so Cheryl could see him and bore him with stories of her new boyfriend Nate. Then he'd take them on a drive into the country and grab lunch in a pub somewhere, maybe go for a walk, take advantage of the change of scenery before having to take him back to Clairmont. Hopefully Steven would be pleased with that.

He grabbed his phone and dialled Amy's number to find out what time Steven would be ready, the dial tone rang out and eventually went to voicemail.

"Amy, it's me. Just want to know what time to meet Steven. Call me back"

He went to slide the phone bak into his jeans pocket when he thought better of it, pulling it back out and dialling Steven. Straight to voicemail. It was turned off, he wasn't surprised, Steven hadnt had his phone since he was admitted into Hollyoaks general hospital all those months ago, there would have been no point in charging it for this weekend when it was only Amy and him that Steven would have needed to get hold of. Worth a try though, would have been nice to be able to text him this weekend, he'd missed that.

He heard heels clomping down the stairs quickly followed by the sight of Cheryl in a bright pink and black zebra print dress, gold platforms and her signature 'OMG" necklace, blonde curls pinned up and pink lipstick on.

"Bit dressed up for a Sunday aren't we?" he asked with a curious tone

"Well you know me Bren, like to look my best" she stopped to fix her hair in the mirror

"Uh huh"

"What time are you bringing Ste?"

He looked back at his phone to see if there was any word from Amy yet, still nothing.

"I dunno, not heard from them yet, i might go round there in a minute"

"Ugh Brendan leave them be, they might be enjoying a lie in, it's a big weekend for him"

"Its 10.30 Chez, no such thing as a lie in with two wee'uns. I should know"

He ignored the little niggle in the pit of his stomach telling him something wasn't right. He was being paranoid, and the more he indulged that thought the worse it got. Little flashes of Walker lying in wait for Steven at his flat, ready to finish off what he'd started. He audibly groaned at the thought.

"What's wrong?" Cheryl asked, looking over her shoulder at him

"Nothing, nothing. Two days hangover is all"

"Mmm Lyndesy said you were an absolute delight yesterday" she replied sarcastically, raising her eyebrows.

He sipped his coffee, ignoring her last comment. He may or may not have snapped at Lyndsey for singing in the kitchen as she made her lunch before her shift yesterday.

"Look, I've got to go to the club for a bit. Ash is sick so I'm going to cover for a bit until Rhys shows up and then I need to grab stuff to make Nate dinner here tonight. Why don't you bring Ste over to Chez Chez for a coffee when you meet him?"

He rolled his eyes at casual mention of Nate again, just in case he wasn't aware she'd been in a relationship for all of 5 minutes. Taking steven to the club hadnt really been what he had planned for today

"Who else is working today?"

"Errrm, Kevin"

Absolutely fucking not. No way was he having Kevin and Steven in the same room.

"No, back here's better. The club might be too much for him"

Cheryl chuckled as she sipped her coffee "it's a sunday afternoon Bren, it's hardly going to be a music pounding rave, but fine, coffee here it is. Oh I can't wait to see him! I can't believe it's been over two months. I've got so much to fill him in on" she smiled wistfully.

"Well don't overwhelm him yeah, no probing questions. If he doesn't want to talk about something don't press him"

"Bren im not stupid, i'm not going to give him the spanish inquisition!"

"Well that would be a first" he mumbled into his coffee cup.

Cheryl downed the rest of her mug and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl.

"On a diet are we?"

"Oi cheeky!" she gave him an admonishing look "i don't need a diet as well you know. Right, I'm off, text me what time to be back here. Luv ya"

Cheryl grabbed her bag and flounced out of the flat, leaving Brendan to shake his head at the whirlwind that was his sister and he rinsed and washed the dirty mug she'd left behind. He pulled out his phone and dialled Amy again, Voicemail.

"Amy, me again. Call me"

He threw the tea towel on to the counter and turned to lean against it, he was twitchy with unspent energy, maybe nerves too. He had nothing to do today apart from spend it with Steven, nothing to occupy his mind whilst he waited for word from the Barnes/Hay household.

Sod it, he was going over there. He called Amy one more time as he made his way to their flat, still nothing. They were probably around the table having a family Breakfast, chatting away over some elaborate spread that Steven had made, and he was going to walk in there and interrupt it like some overbearing….. Friend. He didn't care though, they should have been answering their phones, or at least made an attempt to contact him yesterday. Really, how hard was it to fire off a simple text?

He walked up the path to their home and abruptly knocked on the door, no answer, he knocked again, even louder this time, still nothing. He edged to the kitchen window, cupping his hands around his eyes as he peered in to block any glare from the sun, there was no sign of life, it looked like the place had been tidied up again too. Where could they be? He went through his messages again to see if he'd missed any important morsel of information from Amy, but he hadn't. That little niggle in his stomach hed felt earlier was starting to get a lot bigger, something was definitely wrong. He decided to head back to the village and hunt down Doug or Tony to find out what happened yesterday and if they had any clues to where Steven was.

He dialled Amy's number again, he was starting to panic, he couldn't hide that. He held the phone to his ear as he strode back to the village, fully expecting it to go to voicemail again, to his surprise however she answered this time.

"What do you want?" came Amy's fierce voice

Wow, ok, not the response he thought he would get. The woman had obviously decided she was in a mood with him today, always so fucking unpredictable.

"Jesus, good morning to you too Amy. Where's Steven? I've just been to the flat and no one's in."

"I've just dropped him back off at Clairemont"

He stopped in his tracks

"What? Why? I had plans with him today. Is he ok?" The words came out quick and sharp.

He heard her scoff down the phone

"You've got some nerve. 'Is he ok?' no Brendan. He's not ok, he's far from ok and that's down to you."

He was flummoxed

"What the hell are you on about Amy? What am I supposed to have done?"

"Don't you dare try and act innocent with me. I should have trusted my gut about you, I should have never let you near him again. I won't be making that mistake again, you're poison"

What the hell? His face contorted in confusion and frustration as he gripped the phone tightly.

"Amy, for fucks sake! What's happened? I haven't even spoken to him since Wednesday. He was fine, we were fine"

"No you haven't spoken to him have you, too busy sleeping off your heavy weekend, but don't worry your boyfriend filled him in" she spat with more venom than he'd ever heard from her before.

"Boyfriend?"

"The latest fly you've managed to trap in your web, the bloke that works at the club. Not even changed up your MO have you?!" she scoffed bitterly.

Kevin. This was about Kevin.

"You mean Kevin? He's not my… he's nothing. He's a barman" he tripped over his words nervously.

"Well we both know how you like your barmen. Do you beat him up too?"

"Amy! Just stop! You're not making any sense, what's happened?"

He could hear her take a deep breath, the slight shake in it telling of her rage.

"Ste came to see you yesterday, he was going to invite you and Cheryl around for brunch with us and the kids today"

Despite the fact he knew this story was about to take some sort of horrific turn, he couldn't help but feel a little warmth in his chest at the thought of Steven coming to invite him and his sister to a wholesome family brunch.

Amy continued

"He went to the club and he was there. He told Ste you and him had just got back from some dirty weekend in Liverpool together"

No no no no no no no.

"He told Ste, that you and him were together, that the only reason you still spoke to Ste was because you felt sorry for him"

He knew he'd fucked up by scratching his itch with Kevin, but that boy had sealed his own god damn fate by telling Steven that they were together, for lying about what it was, for upsetting Steven. He was a dead man.

"Amy, I swear to you he's nothing, we're not together. He knows nothing about Steven"

"Liar!" she shouted

He was momentarily stunned by the outburst. There was silence for a few seconds as she tried to get her emotions under control.

"How could you tell him? How could you do that to Ste? He trusted you"

"How could I tell him what?"

"About the rape!" she whispered through gritted teeth.

He almost dropped the phone, taking several steps back to lean against the alleyway wall.

"Amy I didn't…. I'd never, i've not said a word" he pleaded with her

"Then how does he know? Because you and I are the only people who Ste told"

Shit. Cheryl.

He stuttered trying to think something up to explain this away, to make this all better. How did it even come up? Kevin trying to get a dig in and telling Steven they were together he could believe, but how had that come up? It made no sense.

"Amy, please believe me, i didn't say anything"

Her voice was a whisper "he told him….. He told Ste he was damaged goods"

He could feel his pulse quickening as he threw his head back in anguish, squeezing his eyes shut tight. Those were some of the worst words Kevin could have said to Steven, the harm they could do, the weight they held. He felt his hand balling into a fist by his side.

"You have crushed him Brendan, broken him, do you hear me? He was devastated, I couldn't sleep last night because I was so worried he was going to hurt himself, I was petrified the kids would wake up and Ste would be.." he voice faltered.

"Did he?! Did he do anything?!" he questioned frantically.

"Like you care" she replied coldly

"You know I care about him. You KNOW I do. I need to see him, I'll go to Clairemont today, sort this, explain everything."

"No! Stay away from him, you hear me! You've done enough to him. He needs to get better, he doesn't need you pulling him down. We've revoked your visiting rights, it was the first thing we did when we got there. So don't waste your time, you won't be able to get to him!"

"Oh I can't go and see him? im fucking paying for the place if you'd forgotten, my money paying for him to get better, and youre telling me i cant see him?!" he replied savagely

She laughed sardonically "Here he is, the real Bredan Brady, all about money and control"

He drew in a sharp breath trying to control his temper, knowing that if he let his emotions and anger run wild here he could make this situation ten times worse, irreparable.

"Go ahead, stop the payments. I won't beg you no to. I'll pick up the pieces like i always do"

"No, no I won't stop anything, I want him there. He needs it. Amy, I'll sort this out, I will. I promise you"

"Your promises mean nothing Brendan" and with that she put the phone down.

…

He flew through the club door with such force the thing nearly came off its hinges, thankfully there were no customers yet, not the he really cared in that moment, he had so much rage coursing through him he would happily unleash it on any innocent punter that happened to get in his way right now. He bounded up the steps as quickly as his fitted jeans would allow, whipping his head back and forth once he reached the next floor. Cheryl was behind the bar chopping up some mint, she looked up at him with a smile that quickly faltered when they locked eyes, but she wasnt who he was here for.

He turned to see Kevin sauntering out of the office and he immediately saw red, charging towards the kid who seemed to sense the attack coming and dodged out of the way running behind the bar for protection.

"Brendan!" Cheryl screeched jumping in front of him when advanced behind the bar to try and get to Kevin again. "What are you doing?! Stop!"

Kevin was at the other end of the bar, keeping the length of it in between him and Brendan for safety. Brendan was edging back and forth trying to get the upper hand and chas the little rat down.

"Brendan! What's going on?!" Cheryl shouted again

"I'm gonna kill ye!" he growled, eyes locked with Kevin's, who had the good grace to look terrified.

"I haven't done anything" the kid cried

"I know, I know what you said to Steven. I know everything!"

Cheryl turned to Kevin quickly, distracting him momentarily

"Ste? What have you said to ste?" she questioned

Brendan seized his chance and vaulted over the bar, landing a few feet away from Kevin who tried to run again but his attempt was futile, Brendan managed to grab the neck of his top and dragged him to the wall where he body slammed him against it, hands pinning him by the shoulders.

"How did you know?" Brendan snarled inches away from Kevin's face

Cheryl appeared next to them, mouth agape and eyes frantic in shock, not knowing what was happening or how to calm it down.

Kevin refused to look him in the eye, opting to turn his face away grimacing in fear , Brendan gripped the lad's chin and forced it around so they were face to face and repeated himself slowly and menacingly.

"I said, how did you know? Who told you?"

"You did" Kevin spluttered through squished cheeks and mouth

Brendan was taken aback in confusion, face contorting with it.

"What? I didn't tell ye anything"

When Kevin failed to answer him he drew back his fist causing Cheryl to gasp

"I overheard you!" the Lad said frantically "you told Cheryl, in here, after you attacked me that night. I waited downstairs, I wanted to get you on your own and I heard you tell her! That's how i knew"

So that was how he knew. Brendan remembered the night well, it was the day Steven had told him what Walker did, when he had gone tearing around the village trying to find him to kill him and he'd taken that frustration out on Kevin and then broken down to Cheryl and confided in her.

"Told me what?" cheryl asked in confusion

"About… about the rape" Brendan whispered back

"Oh my god"

In a way, he had told Kevin, his moment of weakness had allowed Stevens' secret to be broadcast to someone who had used it against him, who had made him feel ashamed. His anger surged again.

He wrapped his hands tightly around Kevin's neck and began applying pressure, the kid started clawing at Brendan's hands in a frenzied manner as he was slowly starved of oxygen. Bendan could feel his entire body shaking as he squeezed his grip tighter and tighter. He wanted to kill him, he wanted to kill Kevin, like he wanted to kill Walker, like he wanted to kill anyone that hurt Steven or made him feel worthless.

The next thing he knew Cheryl was throwing her body in between them, severing his hold on the lads neck and causing him to stumble back. She stood with her back to Kevin, shielding him from Brendan and held her arms out towards Brendan warning him to keep back with a stern look on her face.

"Stop Brendan. Enough!"

His breathing was erratic as he tried to see Kevin around his sister, but the worm was cowering behind her.

Cheryl turned on her heels abruptly to face Kevin

"And you… I don't know what you've done, but I'm sure I'm about to. So I suggest you leave now and you don't ever show your face in this village again, because next time I won't stop him, do you understand?"

Brendan couldn't help but feel a small sense of pride at his baby sister threatening the scumbag on his behalf.

Kevin took his chance and scrambled from behind Cheryl and darted for the balcony door, stopping as he threw it open.

"You're welcome to him!" he shouted at Brenden before disappearing out of the club. Hopefully for good.

Cheryl sighed loudly before making her way behind the bar and grabbing a bottle of whisky and two glasses, slamming them down on the bar and pouring before sliding one over towards Brendan and downing her own.

"5 o'clock somewhere right?" she mumbled exhaustedly.

Brendan edged towards the bar and snatched his glass, following suit. He sat on a bar stool and let his head collapse on his arms.

Cheryl broke the silence

"What did he do?"

"He told Steven me and him were together"

"And were you?"

"No! Jesus, never. But I slept with him on friday night"

She sighed heavily "for gods sake Brendan"

"I know! It was a moment of weakness, i was drunk, he showed up at the hotel in liverpool."

"He what?!"

"Yeah. And I was stressed, I shouldn't have done it, I know" he scraped his fingers through his hair.

"Right. So he lied that you were in a relationship, what else?"

"He told Steven i'd told him about what happened, that the only reason i was helping him was because i felt sorry for him, that i saw him as damaged goods"

Cheryl covered her mouth with her hand "oh god, how could he? How is he? Ste, I mean, did you set him straight? Explain everything"

His head was resting in the palm of his hands, he shook it gently.

"He's gone, Amy took him back this morning. He hates me, he never wants to see me again"

"He said that?"

"Amy"

"Bren, he'll be upset, he's had a shock. He's fragile"

"She said they've taken me off the visiting list. I can't get to him" he was fighting back the tears he could feel threatening to break free, keeping his eyes fixed on the bar.

"Oh love, give him time" Ceryl reached out and gripped his arm.

….

He'd called and messaged Amy hundreds of times since Sunday, she had answered a single one. Today was Wednesday, his usual visiting day, so he'd made his way to Clairemont with missguided optimism that he'd be able to convince someone to let him in, just let him speak to Steven. He hadn't made it past security, he was all but physically removed from the premises when he'd refused to take no for an answer, other patients' family and friends watching as he kicked off shouting Stevens name like there was any chance he'd be able to hear Brendan from where he was. Another low point for his year.

He slammed the door behind him as he entered the flat.

"Oh god!" Lyndsey shrieked

She jumped about a foot in the air almost spilling her tea that she was curled up on the sofa with. She was already in her pyjamas at 8pm, large pink fluffy dressing gown wrapped around her.

"You scared the life out of me"

"Sorry" he mumbled, heading towards the kitchen.

"I take it you didn't get to see him" she stated obviously

He didn't bother to answer her and he filled a large glass with water and gulped it down, refilling it and repeating.

"I made a big pot of chilli, its on the hob, it should still be hot. Help yourself"

It was at that moment his stomach grumbled intensely, he hadn't eaten since breakfast which was distinctly unlike him. He did love chilli too, so he picked up a plate and piled it high. He collapsed on the sofa next to Lyndsey and began shovelling his food into his mouth, he could feel her watching him out the side of her eye.

"Where's Cheryl?"

She rolled her eyes "i'll give you one guess"

"With Nate"

"Bingo"

"This is good" he said with his mouth full, fork gesturing at his plate. "Where's Joel?"

Lyndsey stared at him in astonishment, "joel?"

He nodded

"Erm i imagine he's with Theresa, considering they moved in together 2 weeks ago"

His head whipped around in confusion. "What?"

She let out a confused laugh "he told you about it, i was here when he did. How have you not noticed?"

He chewed slowly as he stared at the floor trying to remember this supposed conversation, he did recall something. If he was honest, Joel had taken a backseat in his life over the last couple of months, he really hadn't kept up to date with his coming and goings, more importantly his goings. He should call him.

"I saw him thursday"

"Where, here?"

"No, at the club"

"Well he does still work there Brendan" Lyndsey was looking at him like he was crazy.

He carried on eating as they settled into a silence whilst Lyndsay's favourite chick flick, the Notebook, played on the tv.

As the credits on the film rolled and Lyndsey wiped her stray tears away, Brendan grabbed their dinner plates and made his way to the kitchen to wash up. As he dried the dishes, Lyndsey saddled up beside him and turned the kettle on.

"Want to talk about what happened?"

"No," he said sullenly.

"Look, i don't know what's happened between you, but surely if you just speak to him you can explain it. Whatever that is" she said as she poured the hot water over her peppermint tea bag.

"Oh just talk to him" Brendan facetiously slapped his hand on his forehead "why didnt think of that?"

She huffed and rolled her eyes as she picked up her tea and took a sip.

"I can't speak to him, Lyndsey! I can't visit him, he won't call me, i can't call him, i'm pretty sure Amy's blocked my number, the doctors won't take my calls either. Even when I threatened to stop the payments."

She gave him an admonishing look for that last bit.

"I wasn't going to, i just wanted their attention" he tried to justify himself

"Have you tried a letter?"

He looked at her with a furrowed brow "a letter? No, it's not the 1800's"

She blew on her tea before taking another sip "i write him letters"

Brendan stopped what he was doing and stood directly in front of her, confusion etched all over his face.

"You write him letters?"

She nodded "a couple yeah, he writes them back too, even though i know he struggles"

How did he not know this? How did he have no idea Steven and Lyndsey were pen pals.

"Why?"

"Well, he only has four visiting spots, so i can't go and see him, but i wanted to talk to him, after everything that happened at the hospital, the stuff before too. So I wrote him a letter, i never expected him to write one back but he did. So I wrote another, and another, and another, and he replied to them all. He's getting better too, with his writing and his spelling, it's quite nice to see"

Brendan stared at her dumbfounded, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"He's never mentioned it, neither have you actually"

She laughed "i don't have to tell you everyone i speak to Brendan Brady"

"Well i thought you writing letters back and forth to my" he cut his sentence of abrupt

"Your what?" she asked intrigued, one eyebrow raised and a small smirk on her face.

He ignored her question and her implication "I just thought it would have come up before now. What do you talk about?"

"None of your business mister. Don't get your knickers in a twist, it's not about you. Anyway, I'm just saying, it might be a good place to start. You can't see him, you can't talk to him, but he will get this letter. Your words, but he gets to hear them on his own terms at his own time. Just food for thought. It can be quite therapeutic too you know, writing how you feel down on paper, it's a lost art." she stroked his arm before leaning up to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Night Brendan"

"Night"

Lyndsey plodded up the stairs in her slippers and oversized fluffy robe, shooting one last smile at Brendan as she disappeared into the darkness.

He remained leaning against the kitchen counter mulling over her words. He needed to do this, he needed Steven to understand, needed him to know he'd never say those words about him, more importantly why he'd never think those things about him.

He walked over to the sideboard chest of drawers and began searching for paper and a pen.

He could do this. He had to do this. This was going to be a long night.

….

It was saturday night, Lyndsey and Cheryl were on a girls night out with Nancy and Jackie, Joel was managing the club and he was sitting at his living room table all alone with nothing but a bottle of Jamesons for company.

He wrote the letter Wednesday night, wrote and rewrote it several times before posting it first thing Thursday morning. Which man it would have arrived at Clairmont Friday morning, they would have given it to Steven not long after, and now it was 9pm saturday.

Which meant one of three things, either Steven had put some sort of ban on receiving mail from Brendan too and had never got it, or he'd received the letter and binned it without ever opening, or, worst scenario of all, he'd read it, read the whole thing. Read the letter Brendan never thought he'd write, his deepest darkest secrets spilled all over the page, and didn't care.

He tipped his head all the way back and drained the very last drops of the amber nectar down his throat, slamming the glass on the table when he was done. He felt his head slightly sway as he looked straight ahead, sporting a thousand-yard stare.

His phone began to buzz on the table next to him, he snatched it up with all the intention of launching it across the room but something stopped him in his tracks

'No caller id'

He tilted his head as he observed the screen, slowly bringing it to his ear as he pressed the green button. There was silence on the other end, but someone was definitely there. He refrained from saying anything, daring the other person to speak first. Suddenly he heard a small intake of a shaky breath, soft and shallow, he knew that breath.

"Steven?"

Nothing

"Steven?" he said more urgently "Steven, is that you?" The desperation in his voice was evident to the ear.

"Yeah" came the small and croaky reply

"Steven" he sighed in relief

"it's so good to hear your voice" he tried to fill the silence that was hanging between them.

He was beginning to silently panic, Steven must have received the letter otherwise he wouldn't be calling. Had he read it? Was he calling to discuss it? Ask him questions? To tell him he didn't believe him? That he thought it was some attempt to manipulate and guilt trip the boy into forgiving him?

"I've put you back on the visiting list."

He couldn't decipher Stevens tone or what he was thinking, usually he could read him like a book, this was an anomaly.

"Thank you, Steven"

There was another long pregnant pause.

"You can come tomorrow…. If you want" the boy whispered timidly.

"I'll be there" his reply was immediate, determined.

"Ok. see you tomorrow then"

"Yes. 12pm"

"Bye"

"Goodnight Steven".

The line went dead, he placed his phone back down on the table and aggressively exhaled the breath he didnt realise he'd been holding. He could feel his hands shaking as they lay palm down on the wooden surface, legs jittering anxiously under the table.

He stood suddenly, he needed a shower, he needed to sober up, he needed to sleep. He needed to be ready for tomorrow.

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