Midnight Swimming Chapter 18 - W, a harry potter fanfic

Chapter 18

Hermione

Being wracked with guilt from missing the weekly scheduled community service, she made sure to apparate to Maighdean Hospital the day after Pansy's trial. However, with each mention of Malfoy from the boys, Warren and Olivia, it felt as though the weight of it somehow splintering her already shattered heart. Conversations of past visits and memories of him there with her echoed a life she would no longer live, the reminder killing her slowly with each passing second there at the hospital. When she apparated back to Hogwarts after her brief visit she wrote to Maighdean Hospital, addressing it to Mr. Whimsbee to inform him that she won't be visiting for the foreseeable future.

So as the days since Pansy's trial drifted by in a dull blur Hermione pushed herself further and further away from the any association of Malfoy, making sure she stopped going to session with her former Slytherin friends, and only talking to Pansy and Theo in Potions if it was absolutely necessary. And she made damn sure it was hardly ever. Theodore's occasional attempt to talk to her in some capacity was becoming borderline aggravating.

When Hermione got the ridiculous 5 page letter from Malfoy she was hurt and furious, reopening an already festering wound. Her eyes only read to 'Hermione' before tearing it to shreds, because he's to refer to her as Granger. Only trusted individuals have the right to call her by her given name. She even tried burning her journal for it to somehome return to its original form, writing and all. Then came the other letters Malfoy sent, each to be torn and tossed into the fire of the Gryffindor common room only for those damn things to reappear. So, she resorted to storing any letter she received to a small box she placed an extension charm on, unsure when his groveling would cease.

Watching her classmates still holding on to that sense of unity after Malfoy left was difficult to witness. Catching glimpses of students engaging in the Pinching Jinx game around the school had her wishing for those peaceful days again. As much as she wishes she didn't, she missed the Slytherin gang. She missed Theo's theatrics, Blaise's smart mouth and Pansy's games. But Hermione pushed those feelings deep within herself, erecting walls within her mind to trap memories and emotions of them. She was somewhat grateful with the lack of Pansy's presence in their dorm room and when Ginny would tip toe around the subject of them. Hermione doesn't think she could control the floodgates of that dam if it broke. Above all else she misses the former redeemed blonde haired Slytherin who she fell in love with.

In the realm of fleeing from unbearable emotions, she clung on to her lifeline thrown to her in the library: Ron. He was stable, loyal and trusted. She disregarded past notions of vowing not to get back with him. Hermione's attempt to use Ron as a shield for her heart was categorized as a practical decision. He was familiar and safe and that's all that mattered. She practically shackled herself to him if she wasn't writhing away in the library. But as the days ticked by the pain only grew. Pained with wanting spellbinding gray instead of ocean blue, missing the feeling of galaxies forming, wanting to love and be loved in return. She knew that Ron did love her, but he's not the one who's captured her heart.

Friday, 18th of December 1998

Hermione said her goodbyes to her Gryffindor friends as they all gathered their belongings to leave for Christmas Holiday. Forcing herself to return to notions of faked smiles, she waves to her friends wishing them safe travels and happy holidays as they exit the Gryffindor common room.

Ron rounds the corner with his trunk in tow, "Mione, you know you can just come home with us." He states bobbing his head to Ginny, who's right behind him.

Forcing another smile while clutching onto herself, "I know, and thank you for offering, but I'm so far behind in Potions I need to find something to help my grade."

Ron gives her a warm smirk, "You could always look after we get back from Holiday."

Please take the hint.

Forcing another smile, "I also need to study for my NEWTS."

Ron rolls his eyes as he approaches her, kissing the side of her head. "Fine," Ron says, giving her a playful scrunched face.

Thank you.

"Bye, love," Ron waves with his free hand as he tugs on the handle of his trunk. "We'll be back on the 30th!" He adds before exiting the common room.

Hermione watches him as she leaves, keeping her smile nice and tight until he disappears behind the door. She releases a breath of relief, letting her face relax. She turns to find a stoic Ginny.

Shit.

"Bye, Gin." She says, this smile is less forced.

Ginny crosses her arms, looking her over. Hermine gives her a questionable look in response.

"What are you doing?" Ginny asks with furrowed brows, shaking her head in disapproval.

Hermione takes a deep breath, unsure of how to answer, she decides to shrug her shoulders in an attempt to be oblivious.

"Don't act coy, you know what I'm talking about." Ginny says, giving her a pointed look.

Piss off.

Exhaling her impatience through her nose, "He's gone. Why does it matter?"

"Because you don't love Ronald." Ginny says, with another disappointed expression.

Hermione scoffs, "I love Ron."

"Not the way you love Draco," Ginny's tone firm; pointed.

Hearing his name has her internally screaming, it's a pain that cuts her to the bone with each letter. A rush of emotions she's not ready to deal with tries to force their way to the surface, but Hermione shoves them back down. Unwilling to verbalize his true betrayal, because admitting that she let that bastard into her heart for him to flippantly decimate is an unbearable thought.

"He's not here." Hermione says, with emotionless eyes.

"In six months, that won't matter." Ginny says, giving her another pointed look.

Done with the conversation of him she lifts her hands in defeat, "Honestly, Gin. He's gone. We're done. That's it."

Ginny gives her a sad expression.

Unable to look at her, knowing that someone else understands that she's hurting, Hermione turns away from her, heading back to their dorm.

"Have a good holiday, love you," Hermione yells into the air for Ginny.

Continuing to shove her hurt down, she tidies up their room; folding clothes and putting them in their proper places, grabbing knick knacks the girls have collected throughout the year and putting them on the wardrobe of their owner. After a short while of spot cleaning dust and other unmentionables of stains she wasn't quite sure of, she got tired of physically cleaning. Looking around for her wand to get the job done faster, not seeming to find it in its typical locations she bends down to check under her bed.

Ah, there you are.

Wait. What's that?

She grabs her wand and uses the tip of her wand to drag a thin paper from under her bed. As she rises to her feet, she flicks her wand to cast a cleaning charm. Her eyes are locked on the thin rectangular paper, showcasing 4 grainy pictures of her and Malfoy. She stares at the pictures of them, recalling the day of the carnival. Memories of fun, laughter, soaked clothes, and earth-shattering kisses flow through her mind. Tears beg to escape, but she tilts her head back, trapping the blasted things in their two cages. Her first thought is to destroy the keepsake and goes to do so, but she's unable to bring herself to do it. So, Hermione carefully places the once heartwarming keepsake in the small box along with his letters.

As the days ticked by for the winter holiday Hermione for once enjoyed being alone. She was able to take refuge in the library, distracting herself with magical texts. She knew the primary reason for using magical texts a distraction, but forced herself to believe it was because of her less than spectacular grade in Potions. Although there were memories of Malfoy and the Slytherin gang within the library, she was able to focus on endlessly consuming text after text giving her ideas of a potential potion to present to Slughorn. She was internally grateful that her sanctuary wasn't completely soiled for her as some parts of the castle were from her and Malfoy's small rendezvous. Like the Black Lake was. As much as it called out to her, she avoided it as if it was death itself.

Thursday, 31st of December 1998

With the game against Durmstrang on the 2nd of January, most students decided to come back to Hogwarts on the 30th. Hermione sits in the Great Hall for supper while skimming through a herbology book reading about an ancient species of hydrangeas when a trio of girls laughing breaks her concentration. However, it's the mention of a recently former Hogwarts student that holds her attention. Unable to stop herself, she eavesdrops on their conversation, somewhat thankful that they're in Hufflepuff and sitting at the table next to her. She continues to skim the book to seem inconspicuous as she dials into the Hufflepuff table.

"Amara has your cousin added Draco to her list yet?"

List?

The realization hits her, and unconsented rage begins to build.

Oh, fucking whore.

"I'm not sure, she said she'd talk to me about it when they arrive tomorrow."

Her breath gets caught in her throat as her heart rate picks up, remembering that she's going to see him again. Emotions bubbling up to the surface she closes her eyes and pushes them down, only focusing on her anger. Because heartbreak won't get her anywhere.

"Ugh, could you imagine? Being blessed with being under him?"

I don't have to imagine, I know what it's like.

Hating herself for the thought, she shakes it out of her head.

"Oh, the money and body parts I would give up to be blessed like that."

Jesus Christ. Does everyone want to fuck him?

"Make sure to keep the important parts for that." A girl says before the trio laugh.

A familiar current Slytherin makes his way over to Hermione.

"Did you have a good holiday Hermione?" Blaise gently asks Hermione.

The sound of his voice hurts her. She closes her eyes, banishing memories of the former Slytherin. Re-opening her eyes she looks up to Blaise who's giving her a sad smile. Guilt. She spots Pansy and Theo behind him, reminiscent of the day they extended their friendship to her all those months ago. More guilt. Her eyes flicker back to Blaise and then to the other two, simply nodding her head for her answer before returning to her book. She couldn't handle the look on their faces when they weren't going to get a friendly exchange from her.

Ginny, Seamus, Dean and Ron make their way to the table. Dean and Seamus saying hello to the Slytherin gang before sitting down. Ginny and Seamus sit on the opposite of her, facing away from the gang as they leave while Ron and Dean sit on either side of her. Ron kisses her cheek once sitting, a motion that should feel warm and wanted. They all get caught up in conversations of shenanigans Hermione missed at the Weasley household. She's able to genuinely laugh and giggle at some of the things that happened over holiday, giving her a miniscule sense of cheerfulness. Ginny informs Hermione, Dean and Seamus of the Christmas present Harry gave to Ron.

"What is it?" Hermione asks Ron.

Ron smirks and pulls a vial out of his pocket; its contents are a clear liquid.

Oh, God. Of course Harry would.

Seamus and Dean share mischievous smiles.

Ron places the veritaserum back into his pocket, "We can play later tonight."

"Are you going to play for once Hermione?" Dean chuckles.

She playfully scrunches her nose at Dean while shaking her head.

"Come on Mione' just this once," Ginny pleads with a smile.

"Maybe," Hermione offers.

"I'll take it," Ron says, wrapping one arm around her, pulling her closer to him.

She fakes a smile up at him. Ron leans down and kisses her on the lips. However, like most of his kisses she doesn't kiss him back, they lack galaxies and all the life within them.

* . * . * . . . * . * . *

The majority of 8th years have found their way into the Gryffindor common room including Blaise and Theo. However, they took the earlier hint and kept their distance only sharing fleeting moments of awkward eye contact here and there throughout the night. As the laughter, drinks and games continued on Hermione felt herself slowly drifting into a comfortable numbness, making jokes and not having to force smiles. Although it was truly because of the alcohol in her bloodstream.

"Truth or dare, Mione'?" Dean calls out to her from across the room.

Shaking her head, blushing from embarrassment.

"Oh, come on!" A handful of people encourage her from around the room.

She takes a deep breath looking around the room, bracing herself for the inevitable failure this will be, she pushes on. "Fine, Truth!" She says aloud to the room wincing, waiting for the reaction of the room.

To her surprise, everyone in the room erupts with cheers and hollers for her choice, knowing she has to take the veritaserum for it.

"Do you have sexual fantasies?" Seamus shouts out from across the room next to Dean.

Ginny chuckles as she's handing her the vial, noting that she's to take a small sample for the question. The girls share disapproving looks shaking their heads at Seamus. More invasive questions are shouted about the room.

"See this is why I hate this game!" Hermione tries to yell over the never-ending questions, each one more invasive and sexual than the last.

"Ay! Shut it!" Ginny yells out to everyone.

The questions cease, leaving litters of chuckles. Ron rounds the sofa tugging at her waist, pulling her close to him. The movements are familiar, yet she doesn't welcome them. It doesn't have the warmth and intensity that she would prefer. She's still missing touches of a particular blonde-haired boy who broke her heart. Her expression remains the same, now faking this smile.

"I'll make it easy for you, Mione'" Ron says to her, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

She takes in another deep breath and nods, trusting Ron. She brings the vial to her lips and lifts it slightly taking in the serum. But as she's taking it Seamus asks out loud, "Do you have any sex toys?" The abrupt question causes her to accidentally take more of the truth serum than she meant. A warm tingling sensation spreads from her tongue and mouth to her head as she chokes out a laugh, flipping Seamus off.

"Do you love me?" Ron asks her, with the same volume as before. Hermione laughs to herself looking at him.

A rush of relief cascades over her.

Easy enough question.

She laughs as she shouts her answer to everyone in the room while looking at Ron.

Everything stops.

Literal record scratch.

No one says anything for a few seconds. Everyone stares wide eyed at Hermione. Her mind catching up with reality, she realizes what just came out of her mouth. She just yelled NO to Ron's face. Horrified. Hermione's mind spirals. She should have not played.

I should have stayed in my room.

Or the library

Or drowned myself in the fucking Black Lake.

"Do you love someone else?" A female voice calls out from the room, unable to put a name to who it belongs to.

"Yes"

Oh, God! I've got to get out of here!

Scanning the room, she notices everyone's faces. Pure shock on the majority of faces. However, she catches the glimpses of sympathy in Blaise and Theo's expressions before she feels Rons grip lift from her side. Hermione flings her head to look at him. Rage. Ron's hard expression holding an anger she's never seen. She opens her mouth to say something, but knowing full and well what a nightmare opening her mouth has turned into she slams it closed. Unfortunately for her, this nightmare of a situation seems to be happening at lightning speed. With the silence of the once unruly crowd, she can almost hear how wildly her heart is beating in her chest.

"Who?" Ron seethes.

No. No. No. Not this question. Not RON asking this question.

Dear God, kill me now!

She wishes the pounding of her heart rate was loud enough to muffle the question. But here she is still under the effects of the veritaserum. Her brows furrowed together in a pleading look. Knowing that she can't stop the answer that's about to come out of her mouth she tries to stifle it with her hands.

Her hands fling to her cover her mouth, but the name shoots out faster than her movements, "Draco!" She shouts.

Her mouth a gap behind her own hands, she continues to stare at Ron. Horror would be the best word to describe his face. Pure horror.

Tears welling in her eyes, horrified herself she runs out of the common room. No one makes a peep as she abandons the party, the only sound is her feet slapping along the stones of the castle floor as she exits. Unsure of where she should go, she simply runs. Runs and runs and runs. Running away from Ron, running away from the humiliation, running away from finally admitting her true feelings for Draco. Tears biting her cheeks from the frigid chill of the winter air as they stream down her face.

The scent of gillyweed and salt breaks her out of a trance she's found herself in. She peers down at the wood beneath her feet hearing water lightly hitting the side of the dock.

The Lake.

Hermione hasn't been near the lake since he left. Draco floods her memories. She tries to banish the thought of him, but the attempt is pointless. She lets out a loud gurtled sob. She imagines his face. The way her heart nearly melts at the sight of his smirk. The way his touches slowly overtime grew from desperate roughness to gentle admiration. She clutches herself, leaning into this miserable never-ending feeling, she lets a few tears fall. Missing him is excruciating, she's drowning from the feeling. Memories of the Slytherin gang she's abandoned force their way forward. Looking at the very spot they swam about not so long ago, basking in the moonlight, sharing laughter and bearing burdens. She misses them just as much.

Splashes and lighthearted laughter in the distance echoing off the surface of the lake coax her out of her sadness. The sound gradually becomes louder. She's frozen, not knowing what to do, she remains on the dock. She takes notice that the spacious area of water surrounding the dock is unfrozen while the majority of the lake is.

"Oh," a male voice says followed by the sounds of people swimming towards her.

Now that they're closer she's able to recognize faces of who the laugher belonged to.

It's Pansy.

And Alaric.

Shell shocked, Hermione doesn't move a muscle.

Alaric clears his throat and then hesitates to climb on to the dock.

He's naked.

They're naked.

Once his body is fully on the dock, he instantly covers his enlarged very erect cock.

Hermione's face grows red and hot with embarrassment, placing her hand by her eyes to shield the sight of him.

"Excuse me, Hermione, I'm sorry that you saw me like this." His tone embarrassed grabbing the clothes she didn't notice laying near the edge.

Pansy still swaying in the water giggles up at them. Hermoine turns to look at her. Pansy expression falls when she notices Hermione's tear filled puffy eyed face.

"Sorry Rick, we're going to have to postpone our shindig." Pansy lightheartedly says to him.

"I need to talk to Miss Granger here," Pansy adds, looking her in the eye, a sympathetic expression written on her face.

"Goodnight Pansy," Alaric nods, "Goodnight Hermione, I'm sorry for whatever you're upset about." he adds with a long genuine sympathetic look, now covering his genitals with his clothes.

Pansy climbs onto the dock as Alaric leaves. Unabashedly she stretches out her chest and arms, her breasts poking up higher. She releases a satisfied sigh then turns to Hermione, another sympathetic glance is given to her. Pansy grabs an article of clothing and puts on her shirt, the lake water spreading sticking to her skin. Pansy looks to Hermione as she turns to Pansy, Hermione giving her a questionable look up and down as if asking 'aren't you freezing?'

Pansy smiles, "Warming charm." Answering her silent question.

Hearing Alaric's steps picking up in a light jog, they both look towards him. They both take note of two full moons that night.

"I've never seen such a huge well-toned ass before. I am quite jealous, really. Don't think it's fair when the guys are granted fat asses and long lashes. Not right." In another satisfied tone.

Hermione lets out a small sigh, it's almost a laugh. Pansy looks back at her, her expression a mixture of sympathy, guilt and hurt.

"Draco?" Pansy questions with a sympathetic knowing look.

It's always Draco.

Hermione closes her eyes pushing out a pained whimper. Pansy grabs her wand and does a quick drying charm before tightly hugging Hermoine. Hermione almost pulled away, but at this moment in time she knew that she needed this. Someone to simply hold her as she unraveled. They sit there for several moments in that embrace. Pansy petting Hermione's curls as she cries.

Hermoine calms herself before pulling from Pansy's embrace, "I don't mean to be rude or tell you what to do or how to grieve, but what are you doing Pansy?" Hermione asks and she wipes a tear with the back of her hand, giving her a confused sympathetic expression.

Pansy's eyes begin to water, the sight of her own walls crumbling and letting Hermione witness her crumble was heart wrenching. Hermione was familiar with suppressing feelings and knowing that they can only be pushed down for so long before they inevitably find their way to the surface. Understanding the significance of this breaking point, she embraces Pansy. The ache of missing Pansy and the rest of her former friends was eating away at her. Here she is in front of Hermione willing to comfort her when she's been wretched, she knew she needed to return the gesture but above all else she wanted to be here for her. Each hot tear she shed has Hermione wrapping tighter and tighter around her. As Pansy's sobs seem to fade Hermione pets her silky hair to continue to give her a warm comforting touch.

Now Pansy pulls away looking at her, "I'm not really sure," she says in a whispered heavy voice. Pansy winces in pain, "But if I'm honest with myself, I guess I'm just trying to fill an unfillable void." Pansy's voice breaking, tears flowing down her cheeks. Her head falls into her hands, "The short amount of time that I was forced to sleep with those ghastly men, felt like an eternity. Like a never-ending torture." She says whimpering into her hands.

Hermione couldn't fathom the amount of pain that her estranged friend was enduring. Having to have gone through something so vile and violating. Hermione's torture was physical, had an element of finality when the pain stopped. The pain Pansy was facing was internal, something that doesn't have a beginning or end. It's continuous.

Hermione exhales, "You're giving yourself the choices that you didn't have before."

Pansy looks up at her, tears streaming down her face. A pained realization of the truth that Hermione put into words for her. Pansy lets out another sob. Hermione's heart is constricted with pain from the sound of Pansy's cry, from missing her, from the self-inflicted guilt of pushing all of them away, from her heartbreak she knows she can't endure by herself anymore. Hermione wraps her arms around Pansy again and they sit there, clutching one another, sobbing together. For each other and for themselves.

Once they feel that their tear ducts have run dry, they begin to compose themselves. They pull away from their embrace, but remain holding each other's hands.

"I'm sorry for being so harsh about the journal, yelling at you after your trial, pushing you guys away and deciding to stop going to the sessions."

"I'm sorry for not telling you for so long. I honestly forgot about the blasted thing up until you threw it at Draco's face." Pansy gives her a sad smile.

Hermione winces remembering the altercation.

"I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of. That and getting back together with Ron." She scoffs at herself.

"I guess we've all regressed in a sort." Pansy states exhaling.

Hermione gives her a questionable look.

Pansy takes a deep breath, "I tried to sleep with Potter."

Hermione, even more confused now, "But isn't that what you guys d-?"

"Without Ginny." Pansy interrupts, guilt and shame plastered on her face.

No.

Pansy shakes her head, "But you want to know the worst part? He was going to go through with it."

Hermione's eyes grow wide, "What?!"

Nodding, Pansy continues, "That's not the worst part."

Somehow Hermione managed to make her eyes grow wider.

"I realized just at the right time how fucking awful and terrible the whole idea was and what I was doing to Ginny, I stopped. Harry seemed annoyed." Pansy furrowing her brows at the mention of Harry, "I told him that we couldn't do that to Gin. I wanted to be honest and tell her. And you know what he did?"

Hermione's expression contorts into a sympathetic knowing one, understanding what it meant for Pans to be detrimentally honest and knowing what was about to come next.

"He got to Gin before I could and told her. But conveniently left out the part where he was going to be a willing participant." Pansy says recalling that night.

Hermione, not knowing what to say, just looks at her.

"When she came to rightfully rip me a new one, I was shocked that Harry would even do something like that. I didn't bother to tell her his part. I just let her believe that I was the villain," Pans says, lightly shaking her head.

"She never even said anything about it," Hermione says, trying to recall any mention of being mad at Pansy, but coming up short with an exact memory.

However, Hermione does recall the lack of Pansy littered in both their dorm and in the Gryffindor common room.

"She probably didn't want to bring it up because you're also mourning your own relationship. And didn't want to put it out there? I'm not sure." Pans shrugs her shoulders.

Hermione shakes her head in disbelief of the situation. She puts her head on Pansy's shoulders.

"I'm still baffled by Harry though, I never thought he could do anything like that." Hermione adds.

"I guess it's a part of him grieving? He's not here to go through the sessions with any of us. Grief can do that to you, make you do things out of character," Pansy says, trying to make sense of the situation herself.

The girls share a moment of silence.

Pansy lets out an extended relieved sigh, "So what are we doing for my Birthday, Granger?"

"Before or after you shack up with Alaric?" Hermione laughs.

Pansy nudges her, "Jealous?"

Hermione shakes her head, laughing at her.

"He's not like I thought he'd be." Pansy says as if to herself.

"He's genuinely kind. He has a good heart." Hermione states remembering the day of the carnival and what Alaric had said about Pansy being his soulmate. And once she was becoming the person she's destined to be, the universe would pull them together.

"No pressure, right Hermione?" Pansy says.

"Are you serious about him?" Hermione furrowing her brows in confusion.

She shakes her head, "I'm not sure, but I do like him. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel like our souls know each other." Pansy says, staring at Hermione. "He also brings out the good bits in me."

They smirk at one another.

"Blech," Pansy sticks out her tongue, "who would have pinned me down for liking an American? The awful breed."

Hermione shakes her head at Pansy, ignoring her attempt at a joke, "You know you can do that yourself right?" Referring back to the good bits.

"Yeah, but with him, it…" searching for the right phrase, "it feels natural, easy."

"Awh," Hermione's tone is light, genuine and surprised.

"Blaise and Theo were going to indulge me and take me shopping sometime in the morning after breakfast when the Durmstrang students arrive." Pansy informs, "You could come! They'd love to spend time with you. We all miss you, Hermione." Her tone gauging.

Guilt and shame flood her again.

'When the Durmstrang students arrive.'

He's going to be here in the morning. . .

"No, no. Go spend time with them. I have to figure out something for Slughorn's class anyways."

"You're going to take up residence in the library. Again?" Pansy's tone is disapproving but light.

"It's a good distraction," Hermione answers.

"Let us be a good distraction," Pansy pleads.

"It's hard when all your good memories of someone are also intertwined with other people, it's hard to separate at times." Hermione states looking at Pansy for her understanding.

Pans closes her eyes and exhales, letting Hermione know that she gets it.

"Are we ever going to get back to where we were?" Pansy asks her, searching Hermione's eyes.

"I have hope." Hermione's voice breaks, but no tears are shed.

Pansy nods her understanding and squeezes Hermione's hand. "Do you want to talk about a particular silver haired idiot?" She gauges, smiling softly at Hermione.

She lets out an exhaled laugh, "I do eventually, just not yet." Giving Pansy a sad smile.

Pansy embraces Hermione again, "Whenever you're ready, I'm here. We're here for you." Pansy softly coos to her while rubbing her back in a comforting manner.

1st of January 1999

Hermione wakes up hours before her alarm is set to go off. She lays there in her bed, staring up at the tapestry of her crimson canopy drapes, hoping today and the following two days will go by in an uneventful blur. Today's the day that Durmstrang's quidditch team was going to be presented in the Great Hall before their morning meal. Hermione's mind starts to wonder about the possibility of being around Draco again. She's having trouble grappling with missing him and wanting to see him, but the pain of his betrayal is still pulsating throughout her body. Constantly reminding her of the perpetual heartache that's tormenting her. She was going to see Draco again, that was inevitable.

But was she ready?

Am I going to put effort into avoiding looking at him?

Am I going to pretend as if he doesn't exist?

Am I going to let him talk to me?

Am I going to accept his apology?

And then another thought occurred.

What was he going to do?

The ring of her alarm shakes Hermione from her thoughts. She takes in a deep breath before she pushes herself out of bed to get dressed for the day. A quick thought of dressing to catch his attention crosses her mind and she hates herself for it. After using Ron to fill the void of how hurt and shitty she felt, how dare she want Draco to still pine after her.

What the hell is wrong with me?

"Are you going to be okay today, Hermione?"

She turns around to see Ginny sitting up in her bed, looking at Hermione with sympathetic sleepy eyes. Hermione opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

I don't know.

Ginny simply nods her head knowingly and gets up to also get dressed for the day.

* . * . *

With linked arms, the girls make their way to the Great Hall. She hears the excitement from other students of seeing Draco again and how they think the quidditch game tomorrow will go. Hearing Hogwarts students making bets on both sides of the aisle for the game's outcome. She notices students from Durmstrang in their vibrant red uniforms littered throughout the Great Hall as she and Ginny enter. Small pangs of guilt creep in when she sees the several awkward glances from fellow Gryffindors as she sits down with Ginny, reminding her of last night's spectacular failure of a night. But what catches her attention is the conversation that's happening at the Hufflepuff table next to theirs.

Hermione avoids the eye contact of her fellow Gryffindors while grabbing food for her plate and eavesdropping on the conversation regarding a particular new blonde haired Durmstrang student.

"Sooo, Katerina, you never gave me any details! What happened with Draco that night?"

Hermione recognizes this voice, Amara, the girl who has a cousin attending Durmstrang and had Draco on her list. It takes everything in her not to outwardly have a viscerally outraged expression listening to what Draco and some girl were doing together. Hermione takes small bites of her food still concentrating on the words exchanged at the table next to her.

The girl, Katerina, giggles. "Well after quidditch practice, well, more like his hazing initiation from what I heard, a few of the guys asked me and my friends to come over to properly celebrate their new teammate," Katrina's voice is playful.

Hermione clenches her jaw, she digs her nails into her knee, trying to displace her anger somewhere that's not her face.

"We were all drinking, having fun. I tried flirting with him, but he was giving me nothing to work with."

Good. Fuck you.

"He really made me work hard for it," Katerina laughs.

If Hermione wasn't wearing jeans, she's sure she would have been drawing blood from her nails.

"Soo, did you add him to your list?" Another voice asks, she's not sure who it is.

There's a small beat of silence before small sequels are heard.

"Ugh, absolutely jealous!"

Hermione releases a pained soft exhale. A crack in the walls she built within her, shielding away feelings and memories begging to be released.

"How big is he?" Another voice chimes in.

Katerina giggles, "It was definitely worth all that work before."

"Does he still have those scars on his chest?" Amara asks.

"Scars?" Katerina asks.

Was she so drunk that she doesn't remember?

More students begin to make their way into the Great Hall, along with Headmistress McGonagall walking to the faculty table in the back of the room.

Headmistress places her wand to her throat, her voice bounces off the walls, "Good morning students, I'd like to welcome the few students from Durmstrang who've also accompanied their Quidditch team to Hogwarts."

Hermione turns her head, paying full attention to McGonagall now that the other table's conversation has been cut short. The sound of drums causes Hermione's heart rate to spike, the growing volume of the beat like a looming shadow, anticipating Draco's arrival.

"And with no further ado, may I present to you the Durmstrang's Quidditch team," McGonagall's shouts over the growing sound of the drums.

A blaring squawk is heard as a red firework of a double-headed eagle flies into the Great Hall, along with smaller fireworks of red and blue. Several students whistle and shout their excitement while the Durmstrang quidditch team flies through their giant double-headed eagle firework. Their Headmaster struts into the Great Hall, wearing a similar uniform to his students, but in all black, along with his black hair that's slicked back. His piercing blue eyes are on his students overhead, slowly flying around the room.

Hermione looks up as she tries to fight against the violent butterflies in her stomach, but what caught her eye is a boy who resembles prince William; as in the future King of the English throne. A Prince in the muggle world, flying on a broom in the Wizarding World.

Her eyes widen, shocked by the sight of him.

Prince William . . .

He's magical? Are all the Royals magical? How did I not know this?

She looks around to her fellow muggleborns at her table, seeing if anyone has spotted the future king of England in their presence. No one seems to either have noticed the royal amongst them or cared. But her thoughts divert from Prince William when she catches the combination of blonde and red out of the corner of her eye. Her breaths become heavy and more rapid, an unsettling nervousness starts to creep in. The seven players fly over to float above the podium where McGonagall and the Durmstrang Headmaster are, all of them facing the students. She tries to fight against the pull of her attention towards Draco, but she can't help herself. Gradually turning her head to glance at him. She finds that his eyes are locked on to her, unable to look away from his gaze. He smirks, pulling out his wand to cast a spell into the air. A light white flash occurs before white flower pedals rain down from the charmed sky of the Great Hall. It's not until a few have landed on her plate does she turn her attention to the pedals. She then realizes that they're not pedals, but sepals: from hydrangeas.

Hermione fights the tears that are trying to force their way out. Another crack in her walls. The romantic gesture is lost on her, she can't think past her aching heart. His treachery and his broken promise are all consuming. Ginny squeezes Hermione's hand to comfort her, but if anything, it makes everything worse. It's a tangible element to her internal brokenness; having someone else observe this wretched reality she's found herself in. Hermione forces her eyes shut, trying to force any and all memories of Draco out of her head. Knowing she's not going to be able to successfully push him out, she gets up from the table to walk out. Shouts, hollers and whistles still raging on as she's leaving.

* . * . *

Seeking solace from the one who broke her heart, she found herself wandering the aisles of the place she's felt has been a small resemblance of home: the library. Scanning spell books, wizarding memoirs, history and potion books, grabbing anything and everything that would distract her from her current nightmare. She tosses the books on the table furthest from the entrance, hoping to lose herself in the texts in front of her. Frantically searching for an escape from this haunted existence, she dives into books upon books. Reading over spells and complex potion recipes, trying to lift this pain from her heavy heart. Picking up books she's read in her former years, a pathetic grasp for a time where he wasn't heavily present in her memories. Hermione remains in the library, sifting through aisles and more books when she no longer feels a book is distracting enough for her.

She finds a few decidedly decent books to fixate on, walking back to the table. An older herbology text regarding ancient species calling to her. She opens the book about to sit down when someone clearing their throat stirs her from the text she's engrossed in. Hermione looks up to put a name to the noise. Her eyes landing on him. She's caught off guard when she sees Malfoy in his Durmstrang uniform. It reminds her of Krum, but this man in front of her fills it better than Krum ever could. Awestruck by how unbelievably breathtaking he looks in his elegantly tailored scarlet uniform.

Malfoy takes notice of her lingering eyes. "Like the uniform do you?" attempting that smirk she can't resist.

His smirk doesn't give her the same reaction it used to, currently it's splintering her heart. It's a reminder of everything that led up to it, the moments that took place after and how she doesn't have him the way that she used to.

"You never write me back," he says in a soft voice, tilting his head as his gray eyes are glued to her.

Her heart aches from the sound and gentleness of his voice. Her head hurts from his betrayal screaming from the memory of finding the journal. Her eyes hurt from all the tears she shed for him. Everything hurts, aches. She turns away from him, unable to look at him. Because seeing his beautiful face fucking hurts.

"I think you've seen enough of my handwriting," her tone curt.

Draco walks so he can face her, giving her a shameful and regrettable expression, "Hermio-."

You don't get to call me by my first name anymore.

"Granger's just fine," she interrupts him, finally looking in his eyes. Glaring at him.

Hermione's glare capturing all the fury of pent up frustration and loathing that's rightfully owed to her. Malfoy tilts his head back in shame, closing his eyes, regretting his actions.

As he should.

He lifts to look at her again, giving her that shameful expression. Her anger doesn't allow her to feel the pang of hurt from him hurting. He opens his mouth to say something, but she interrupts him again. Assuming he was going to apologize, but she doesn't want to hear it.

"Besides, I hardly think us writing to one another would be appropriate," Hermione's voice dripping with venom, narrowing her eyes at him.

Seeing how you've already managed to move on.

Draco's apology falls on deaf ears. She's too consumed with the thought of him with someone else. And she's furious, she knows she doesn't have a right to be, considering she immediately got back with Ron, but she doesn't care. He hurt her and she's looking for a fight, wanting someone else to hurt just as much as she is. And how beautifully poetic it would be to be able to hurt the person who caused all her pain.

"I'm sure your new girl wouldn't like the idea of us writing to one another, anyways. That is if your conversations are even that deep," she prods at him, crossing her arms.

He gives a confused expression, but it then morphs into anger. "I don't care who you think I'm with," poking his own chest, "who you're with," knife-handing in her direction, "or if your fucking god is watching." He snarls, pointing in the air. "I'm not capable of being with anyone else!" Draco shouts at her. He breathes out his irritation through his nose. "Besides, you promised yourself to me! I should have got it written in blood!" he yells at her with narrowed eyes.

Hermione scoffs, "You don't seem changed," scowling at him.

"Because I'm angry!" Draco shouts again, turning his body away from her, running his hand through his hair. "I'm angry at myself!" He states firmly, pointing into his chest. "I'm angry for the situation I've put myself in. I'm angry for putting us in this position," Draco says, shaking his head in disbelief of his own actions, turning his head to look at her again.

They share scowls for an eternity.

"You had the choice to tell me the truth and chose not to," shaking her head, still holding her scowl.

His face falters, and gives her an apologetic look. "I'm not going to excuse my behavior, what I did was beyond shameful and disgusting."

After the dock, the drawing room, the hospital, the carnival, Blaise's party. You chose to betray me over and over again.

He forces his eyes shut and rubs his face, letting out a pained exhale before looking her in the eyes again.

"The worst part is if you wouldn't have found it, I don't know when I would have told you," his voice low. "It was a wake up call I needed."

She turns her body away from him, not wanting him to see her break apart at the seams. Arms still crossed, she digs her nails into her own skin, trying to alleviate the pain from her heart and place it anywhere else. Any physical pain would be more ideal than the way her heart is aching.

"I want to be better," he says as he exhales. "I want to be better for you, better for me. For us," his voice littered with vulnerability.

Hermione scoffs as she turns to scowl at him, "There is no us, Malfoy."

"And I made damn sure of that. Didn't I?" He scoffs at himself. Draco steps closer to her, towering over her, bending so he's millimeters from her face, his intense beautiful gray eyes locked on hers. "We promised ourselves to each other. I intend on keeping that promise," his tone is firm and low while he narrows his eyes at her.

Hermione fights like hell to cling on to her anger so she won't fall apart from his words. His familiar scent of cedarwood and sour apples remind her of former blissful memories. Standing so close to him brings back the familiar sensation of galaxies forming.

"You can't deny that the stars practically align when we're together," his eyes soften slightly, searching hers.

He reaches out and cups her face with both hands, his gentle and warm touch feels as though she's right where she belongs, and it hurts. She's desperate to pull away but it's as if she's trapped in his orbit, gravitating closer to him, sucking her closer to the flames threatening to swallow her whole. His eyes soften completely, silently pleading with her.

"I can't deny the feeling of galaxies being created when I'm with you," Draco's voice low. "I finally understand what Alaric meant on Halloween."

She recalls Alaric believing in the grand devine of the universe and the idea of two souls being pulled together. And how as much as she's resisting the thought she wants it to be true for them.

Stop. Just stop. I can't take this.

My heart can't take this.

With everything in her she fights to grab his hands that are still cupping her face and push him off of her. She can't be near him, the pain is eating her alive. His touch, this conversation, seeing him is forcing emotions she's avoided now clawing at the surface to be freed. His face is pained as he's staring at her, giving her an unspoken understanding that he knows her pain as he steps back. This whole interaction has her feeling as though she's slowly dying, fighting against the pull of him that's leaving her mind, body and soul depleted.

"We're not who we're supposed to be, right now," Draco says as his brows furrow. "But when we are," Draco raises both hands in the air in defeat, "the universe will do its thing."

Hermione's exhaled sob escapes her as she slowly steps away from him, walking backwards towards the exit. Each step harder than the next as she stares at the man who gave her feelings of galaxies and a hope of a forever. Conjuring every ounce of strength that's left in her she leaves him in her sanctuary. Her heart aches with the confusion and loss of love she used to know and feel. She flees to find solace in her dorm room, passing dark corners that once felt sacred, the haunting memories bombarding her with overwhelming emotions. She frantically calls out the Gryffindor password to the portrait, flying inside to take shelter of these feelings she's been so desperate to banish.

She enters her dorm, shutting the door behind her, back pressed up against the door breathing in ragged breaths. She slowly slumps down her door as memories of him, of them resurface, fighting their way to the forefront of her mind as if needing to be remembered. Each one creating a crack in the damn she built within her mind. Leaning into the pain and finally willing to let herself wallow in her agonizing heartbreak, she finds the box of his letters.

Hot tears slowly flow down her face as her hands tremble as she's lifting the lid, revealing the grainy keepsake of them. Hermione lifts it out of the box in a careful motion as if made of delicate material that could dissolve in her hand. Eyes glued to the 4 images of them and the unspoken and undeniable love they shared. The sound of a single tear dropping onto parchment has her looking away from the keepsake and to a red envelope.

A howler?

The red envelope flutters and then gradually lifts from the box. Hermione's eyes grow wide and quickly takes in a deep breath, bracing herself for harsh words and yelling. But to her surprise the words spoken are soft and pained.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

The final crack in her once unbreakable damn breaks, overwhelming emotions flooding her like a tidal wave. The floodgates open to wreak havoc on her. Her composure completely shattered. The keepsake flutters to the ground as she buries her face in her hands. Uncontrollable tears stream down her hot cheeks. Each sob was a release of her never ending sorrow. Waves of once cherished memories continuously crash over her again and again and again. Words so simple yet oceans deep, another lifeline yet a dagger all at once. Hating him for sending the blasted letter but wishing he would have spoken those three short syllables to her that night, their last night together. Continuous streams of tears running down her face, feeling as though her agony is radiating off of her, filling every atom within her room. Echoing her pain of a love she wishes she still had back to her.

"I love you, too," she whispers to herself with a quivering lip.

Then hating herself for the love she still has for Draco.