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Chapter 20
M
Hermione
Monday, 18th of January 1999
Hermione woke up late for the millionth time it seemed like, rushing to get dressed to then head to the Great Hall in order to eat something before her first class. Throwing on her uniform and shoving her feet in her shoes, she grabs her wand and a hair tie before leaving her dorm room. She sticks her wand in her mouth as she throws her hair in a bun as she runs past students that are leaving the Great Hall. Just as she's about to enter the Great Hall, four Slytherins make their way out.
"Hey, Mione;" Theo calls out with a beaming smile, waving to her.
Guilt. She takes her wand out of her mouth and shoves it through the base of her bun, quickly breathing in deeply and gives Theo a tightened smile and head nod in acknowledgment. Theo looks to Pansy who's expression holds sympathy as she watches the encounter between Theo and Hermione. She clutches onto herself and curtly turns to the Gryffindor table listening to the brief conversation behind her.
"I thought you said you talked to her." Theo's voice littered with sadness.
"I did, Theo." Pansy's voice is light and empathetic.
"But. . ."
"She's not ready yet. She'll find us when she is." Pansy says to Theo.
"But I miss my Mione'."
"I know, Theo. We all do." Blaise offers.
Hermione exhales. Exhaling her guilt, her hurt, her last true effort in masking it felt like.
Hermione plops down at the table blindly grabbing food to put on her plate and she pushes down the guilt of not speaking to them even after she and Pansy had their moment on the dock over two weeks ago. With the Malfoy encounter followed by the howler she received, it was as though she took two steps back in the direction she should have taken. And then to add to the sting of her heart, there were gawking eyes everywhere she went after the night she confessed her love for the silver haired man to her then boyfriend and all of their friends. With each passing day, guilt turned into anger and she wore the bitterness of her circumstances openly.
Monday, 1st of February 1999
Hermione sits in the Great Hall for lunch plucking items from the full plate to add to her empty one.
"Oh, hey, Hermione did yo-"
She interrupts McLaggen with a curt wave of her hand along with a disgusted grimace on her face. He quickly side-eyes Ginny to her right, who's finishing up her food and then he shakes his head as he walks away.
"That was bloody rude of you." Ginny's face expresses her annoyance.
"He's vile," Hermione quickly retorts.
"So is your attitude lately. Besides you didn't even let him finish whatever he was going to say to constitute him as vile."
Hermione exhales her own irritation and begins eating the food on her plate, not bothering to respond to Ginny. Ginny scoffs as she gets up from the table to exit the Great Hall.
"Miss Granger," Headmistress McGonagall calls out to her.
The sound startles her, swallowing hard and then clearing her throat.
"Headmistress McGonagall," responds.
"After you're done eating I'd like for you to come see me in my office."
Hermione furrows her brows, "In regards to what Headmistress? I don't want to be late for class."
McGonagall smiles, "I guess that's a perk of being the Headmistress. I can give you a note to excuse your tardiness."
Internalized eye roll.
God, what does she want to talk about?
Hermione nods to her Headmistress. Her hunger seems to vanish and she pushes her plate forward.
"I'm finished now, we can head to your office now if you'd like," Hermione gives McGonagall a forced smile.
Her Headmistress raises her brows and then nods before walking forward, Hermione following directly behind her.
* . * . *
Once in her office Hermione mentally prepares herself for the onslaught of questions she's about to be asked.
"How have you been, dear?" McGonagall asks, tilting her head to the side.
"I've been good," she lies.
McGonagall hesitantly nods her head.
"I wanted to ask why you haven't been continuing with the grieving sessions? I have an idea, but don't want to be presumptuous."
"I've just been busy with my studies lately, wanting to get my grade up in Slughorn's class along with focusing on my NEWTs." Hermione offers.
Although not entirely a lie, it's not exactly the full truth. McGonagall gives another hesitant nod, accepting her lie, but knowing she's not being entirely truthful.
Can I leave now?
"Well, I at least hope Mr. Malfoy and you are still able to share your burdens to each other."
Hermione furrows her brows in confusion.
Share our burdens? I'm not owling him.
McGonagall catches her confusion, "You're not writing in your journal anymore?"
Did they fucking tell her what happened?
"Did Draco stop writing in his?"
How the hell would I know?
Not being able to hide her confusion, McGonagall raises her brows catching Hermione's bafflement. "He never wrote in his." She says as if putting the pieces together and folding her hands together. "If he did write in the journal you would have seen it. The journals have the ability to communicate with one another. They're a set, dear. They're intended for lost souls and give a chance to give those souls someone to bear their burdens to."
Hermione stared blankly at McGonagall with her mouth slightly agape as she began to spiral from this.
They can communicate with each other?
He would have been able to read my thoughts regardless?
I would have been able to read his thoughts if he wrote in it.
Did he know about this?
The world around her seemed to come to an abrupt halt. The idea of them being able to communicate their thoughts to one another was overwhelming. Spiraling through questions and rapidly coming up with scenarios of what could have been if he had chosen to write in the blasted green leather. Each thought enters and leaves her mind without fully processing them, unable to let herself imagine better outcomes for a reality that doesn't exist for her. She's trapped in the one she's living, forced to remain in this current purgatory that is her life.
"Why didn't you tell me when you gave me the journal?" Hermione asks as she's looking up from the ground she's been absentmindedly staring at.
Headmistress gives her a sympathetic look as she exhales, "When I gave Cygnus the idea for the journals he wanted that aspect to be a part of the individual's journey. That they can choose to bear their burdens after understanding someone else's and hopefully friendship can blossom or at least an understanding of someone else's perspective in life."
Why didn't he just fucking write in the journal?
We wouldn't be where we are.
Things would be different.
Wouldn't they?
Then recalling something Malfoy had regurgitated from Alaric.
Was this what Alaric was talking about? The universe finding a way to pull two souls together?
Tears threatened their way to the surface, but she refused to fall apart in front of McGonagall. Forcing herself to focus on thoughts of Malfoy choosing to be deceitful and flippantly betraying her trust. Refusing to wallow in the hurt she redirects and fixates on the anger and resentment she harbors in her body.
Wednesday, 3rd of February 1999
Sitting on her bed, Hermione scribbles away writing things down for her class only to groan in frustration as she realizes she's been misspelling words and answering questions out of order. Erasing her unintentional mistakes, she frantically and vocally erases them, muttering loudly her annoyance with herself.
"I'd like some quiet please," Ginny chuckles as she flips through pages of her Witches Weekly Digest.
Frustrated and aggravated Hermione responds without thinking, "Would you just shut the hell up!"
Ginny gives her a wide-eyed surprised expression before it falters and she states, "I was merely joking."
Hermione tuts and resumes writing.
"No, you know what?" Ginny snaps, slapping her magazine close and gets up off her bed to face Hermione. "You've been insufferable lately and I've had enough of it." Ginny's tone holding all of her irritation.
Internalized eye roll.
"I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore." Giving her a disappointed look.
Hermione doesn't respond to her, she continues to stare at the notes in front of her, hoping she'd stop talking and just leave.
"You got back with Ron when we both know that you don't have feelings for him. You strung him along just for you to publicly humiliate him. I'm typically on your side when he's being a stupid boy, but this time I'm not on your side. You were cruel and dishonest with him and yourself."
Are you done?
"You've been isolating yourself and hiding in the library. Then when people are graced with your fucking presence, you're literally rude to everyone."
There's a small beat of silence, an indication for Hermione to take this silence for a response, an explanation for her egregious behavior, but she doesn't have the right to justify her shitty behavior. She's angry, at life and at herself.
"You're not even going to say anything?" Ginny's voice is almost shrill.
Hermione closes her eyes in response, praying Ginny will leave.
The sound of Ginny's scoff followed loud footsteps growing quieter then the forceful slam of their door telling her that she finally left. Wanting to wallow in the anger that's gradually building within herself, she balls her hands into fists and looks for something to break. She stands frantically searching to rip something apart then comes to the conclusion that she's just going to fucking destroy everything. Hermione in her fit of rage rips the tapestry from both her bed and Ginny's, violently tearing them from their posts. With destroying something that somewhat belongs to Ginny's she leans into this and begins to tear and break everything in sight; kicking and splintering their wardrobes, ripping bed spreads, shattering knick knacks littered around the room. Tearing, ripping, shredding anything and everything she can get her hands on. Hermione's once dormant residual rage the war left her with now bubbling up to the surface, Pouring all of her emotions she's suppressed to spew out to wreak its havoc.
A familiar rectangular paper flutters to the ground, instantly thinking it's her photobooth picture, but as she steps closer it's of Harry, Pansy and Ginny. As if to separate herself from the reminder of anything Slytherin she puts up her hands and steps back. She stands in the center of their now ransacked room breathing heavily and still not feeling content with the level of damage she's managed, she catches herself in the mirror. She turns to fully look at the girl staring back at her, taking in her frantic curls, snarl on her face, rage and hurt in her light brown eyes. Enraged with the reflection of herself, she screams as she kicks the mirror, shattering the glass, fragments glistening as they fall to the floor. She glares at the shattered pieces littered on the floor, her anger reflected back at her with each broken piece. Minutes or hours could have passed, but Hermione couldn't tell.
Sounds of porcelain clacking tears her attention, finding Mini Crookshanks coming into the room. She ignores Theo's voice as she snatches it from the ground and with her last bit of strength she chucks the trinket at the stones of the castle wall accidently hitting her clock instead. The force causes them both to fall to the ground, breaking Mini Crookshanks while busting her clock into several pieces. Theo's muffled "We miss you" is heard before her birthday present seized all movement and sound. The remnants of the love she used to feel and return scattered on the ground. Hermione immediately drops to her knees and carefully scrapes up the pieces.
"What have I done?" She asks herself in a whispered plea as tears prick at her eyes.
She tilts her head back, fighting the tears that are forcing their way through. Hot tears streak her face, she attempts to banish the thought of how awful she's been to everyone around her by forcing her eyes shut. Knowing the effort is futile she reopens her eyes and silently apologizes to Mini Crookshanks.
"Uhh . . . "
Startled by the sudden noise, Hermine turns around to find Ginny and Luna in the doorway. Hermione's eyes go wide with embarrassment with the sight before them, a tattered room with her cradling Mini Crookshanks in the middle of the chaos.
"I was going to ask you if you're done being a twat, but now I feel like I should just ask if you're okay?" Ginny says wide eyed scanning the devastation that is her dorm.
Hermione wipes a tear with the back of her hand. "I promise I'll clean it up, I'm sorry Ginny."
A small beat of silence as Ginny and Luna share quick glances.
"For everything. For being a shitty friend to you and to Ron. It's not fair to take it out on you guys because I'm hurting."
Ginny's eyes find Hermione's and they soften, they share a silent understanding before Ginny says, "I know it's always easier said than done, but you have to choose to do better, to be better."
Hermione nods at her friend's words, her lips quivering as hot tears slowly fall from her eyes.
"Sometimes you need to have patience while time heals the pain that you're in," Luna says to her in her typically lighthearted voice.
Hermione gives Luna a sad smile then the girls join Hermione on the floor, hugging her tightly.
Saturday, 6th of February 1999
In an attempt to choose to do and be better Hermione finds herself in Diagon Alley. Walking up to the Wizards Wheeze with a broken Mini Crookshanks in a small baggy, hoping they can repair it for her. The repetitive entrance sounds off, letting the owners know they have a potential customer. She wanders about the shop smiling at the other gag trinkets they've created passing by other patrons in the shop, patiently waiting for them to come into view. She spots a few familiar porcelain plain white trinkets; a mini bird, a mini cat and one of a mini faceless person. All shuffling through different sayings from Fred and George. She smiles at the idea of the boys being able to replicate her trinket.
"Well, hello there, Miss Granger." George says with bouncing brows as the both of them walk out of their upstairs office.
"What have you got there?" Fred asks, jutting his chin to the bag in her hand.
Hermione gives them a quick frown, "I broke your birthday present, wondering if you'd be willing to fix it for me?" She asks with a guilty smile.
"For a price of course," George responded.
"Of course," She says with a smirk. "How much is this going to set me back?"
The boys turn to look at one another then state, "20 galleons," in unison.
Hermione rolls her eyes and chuckles at them knowing that the other ones like hers only cost 10.
"Of course it's double."
"Only fair for ruining a perfectly good gift." Fred quips while leaning on the banister above her.
She recalls the day she got Mini Crookshanks and smiles at the memory.
'Get it?'
'Cat fight!'
Her cheeks go tight as her smile grows considering of leaning into a thought she had the day she got Mini Crookshanks.
"Fred, George, could you do me a favor and do up another trinket for me like what you did with Crookshanks, but make it Pansy and I."
The twins give each other mischievous glances.
"Is it for Malfoy?" The twins ask in unison, both their brows raised, awaiting her response.
Her heart constricts at the mention of his name. She wants to feel excitement like what she used to when she heard it, but at this current moment in time it still hurts. "No, it's not for him."
Both of their faces fall to unamused features. "Shame, we would have given you a discount," Fred says.
"Discount?" Hermione pulls her brows together, scoffing at the thought of them actually giving any kind of discount.
"Yeah," George answers.
"His 'Halloween Jubilee' got us quite the audience," George informs.
"Have several events lined up now. Won't be going broke anytime soon," Fred says, sharing a smile with George.
Hermione snickers at her friends, "Right, like you guys are struggling for galleons."
"Thanks to Malfoy we could probably open up a few shops around the wizarding world." George nods his head at his brother.
Malfoy coughed up enough galleons for them to open up multiple shops?
Monday, 8th of February 1999
Two days later Hermione paces in her room, impatiently awaiting a response from when she sent Mini Crookshanks to Pansy, hoping they're still willing to extend the olive branch Pansy offered a few weeks ago. Minutes tick by and it feels as though they're hours for her. She anxiously sits on her bed, biting her nails as she continues to wait for any word from Pansy. Her heart beats faster as she hears the familiar clacking sound of porcelain on the stones of the floor.
Once Mini Crookshanks enters her doorway it opens its mouth, "I want you on your knees, Granger. A groveling and sniveling mess." Pansy's voice calls out.
"Oh, shut it, Pans. Just get over here Mione." Theo's voice booms out of the tiny trinket.
"I do want another kiss though!" Blaise chimes in.
"Only if I get one." Theo adds.
"Me first. I demand tongue too." Pansy quips.
Hermione could cry from the lack of hesitation they're willing to offer their olive branch, being so easily accepted when she's been such a crummy friend. Grabbing Pansy's present she runs out of her dorm and common room, sprinting to the stone serpent hiding away her Slytherin friends.
"Argentea Bilinguis," Hermione yells out in between breaths.
Familiar sound of stone scraping against stone then the ancient door opens to her.
Flying down stairs, passing by other Slytherin students rushing to a space she once thought of as her own. Standing in the entryway of their self proclaimed space, she spots four Slytherins: Pansy, Alaric, Theo and Blaise.
She calms her breaths before calling out, "This is a very belated birthday gift, but I'm sure you'll love it." Hermione says to Pansy, giving her a pointed grin.
Pansy gets up from Alaric's lap wearing a matching smile. "What did you get me, Granger?"
"A memory of sorts. Theo will actually love it too."
"Theo? Is this my gift or his?" Pansy giggles as she looks over her shoulder to Theo.
"Definitely yours. However, wouldn't put it past him to steal it," Hermione says, winking at Theo.
Now that Theo's interest has piqued from being the topic of conversion, he too gets up from his seat. Hermione scurries closer to her friends and sets the present on the small tea table in front of them.
Pansy narrows her eyes and smirks at Hermione, "I thought I said I wanted you on your knees?"
Hermione rolls her eyes, "Just open it, Pans."
Pansy takes her gift and they all watch as she chuckles and unties the veridian satin bow from the black box and lifts the lid. She looks inside, her mischievous smile manages to grow sinister. Carefully she takes out two porcelain figurines, one that resembles Pansy and the other of Hermione. Pansy sets the box down and cradles the figurines with both hands. Once in both her hands the figurines come to life and immediately reenacted their fist fight from all those months ago. Pansy squeals from excitement as Mini Hermione body slams Mini Pansy, but it's when Mini Hermione rips off Mini Pansy's shirt that gets Theo to cackle loudly.
"I absolutely love this!" Pansy says looking at Hermione from their miniatures.
"Hold on, there's more." Hermione says, jutting her chin back to the figurines.
Pansy furrows her brows and looks back to the Mini Pansy and Mini Hermione. Mini Pansy pulls out her wand and casts an exploding charm at Mini Hermione, a small puff of smoke covers Mini Hermione to then reveal her covered in black soot.
Pansy looks back at Hermione with a genuine smile, "Thank you, Hermione."
Hermione steps closer to Pansy and kisses the top of her head, "You're welcome."
"She's right, I will be stealing that," Theo states sitting back down next to Blaise.
Pansy, playing with the mini version of the girls states, "I do love these Weasley trinkets, an absolute riot." Playfully flicking Mini Pansy for the figurine to lightly punch one of Pansy's fingers.
Hermione happily content with Pansy loving her belated birthday present, plops down next to Pansy and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
"Missed you," Pansy mouths.
Hermione gives her a heartfelt smile and mouths back, "Missed you too."
Theo leans back against the tufted sofa and places his hand behind his head, "Might ask them for a job after we're done here."
"When is graduation anyways?" Alaric asks as Pansy hands him Mini Pansy.
"Finals aren't until the beginning of June." Blaise smiles watching Alaric fiddle with the figurine.
"I ain't talking about finals, I'm talking about graduation."
Everyone looks at one another confused.
"Our graduation ceremony," Alaric pulls attention from Mini Pansy and looks at them also confused.
"Graduation ceremony?" Blaise asks aloud.
"Yeah. For completing school?"
"We don't do that here." Pansy answers Alaric.
"What? Why the hell not?" Alaric asks, fully offended.
"You don't get rewarded for something you're supposed to do," Blaise chuckles, all of them nodding in approval of Blaise.
"Regardless if we're supposed to do it or not, it's a right of passage. Walking across a stage to get one's diploma means something," Alaric says to the group. "Besides, it's more than doing what's expected of us. We're celebrating our futures, not just what we've accomplished. It's a celebration of the lives that we lived, the battles some of y'all had literally faced and the next step in our own journeys. After the year we've all had, a ceremony of our achievements is definitely within our right."
They mull over what Alaric said, reminiscing on the past year and how much they've grown as people. How've they managed to form an unlikely friendship and truly bond with one another.
"All I'm sayin' is that a graduation ceremony would be a great idea."
"Are you trying to Americanize us?" Pansy playfully scoffs at Alaric.
He playfully scrunches his face at her and rubs his nose to hers, "Only slightly."
"Honestly, that's not a bad idea." Theo nods his head in approval of Alaric's suggestion.
"You would like the idea, Theo, making a show of it," Blaise tuts at Theo, rolling his eyes.
Theo just nods his head repeatedly with a gummy grin.
"I'll talk to McGonagall about it." Blaise says, giving Alaric a soft smile.
"Do you think Draco will be back for that?" Pansy asks Theo.
Draco's coming back to Hogwarts?
Theo shrugs his shoulders, "I'm not sure, all he told me was that he's already talked to McGonagall about it."
So why isn't he here then?
Her heart still aches for him; from his betrayal, from missing him, from being so close to the person she thought he was turning into. Pansy looks over to Hermione, searching her eyes, giving her an understanding look.
"He's trying, you know."
Hermione nods her head, "I just hope it's for him this time."
Pansy gives her a pained smile, knowing that his intentions for change were once wrapped around Hermione.
"Speaking of trying, have you talked to Ginny at all?" Hermione asks.
Pansy shakes her head, eyes littered with shame.
"I think you should, she needs to know the whole story." Hermione offers.
Pansy holds Alaric a little tighter to comfort her, biting her lip, mulling the thought over.
"I can always go with you," Hermione adds, gauging her response.
"You would?" Pansy asks with a hopeful expression.
Hermione nods at her friend. The sound of a muffled electronic retro ringing pulls Hermione's attention to Alaric as he pulls out the small rectangular chunk of a Nokia phone.
"Alaric, I didn't know you had a phone!" Hermione chuckles.
How does he charge it?
"Pops, gave me his old one," Alaric states quickly before answering it. "Wait. Wait. Hold up. It's literally on my birthday? . . . You're shittin' me? . . .Did you get tickets? Hell yeah I'm going! Are you crazy? Yeah, she's right here." Alaric's looks over at Pansy, smirking at her. "Here, Denny wants to talk to you." Handing Pansy the phone.
Hermione chuckles as Pansy and this elusive Denny talk to one another.
"What was that about?"
"Phantom Menace! It premieres on my birthday!" Alaric's smile is radiating off of him.
Visions of the Star Wars trilogy that her dad showed her in the summer before her 5th year came to view, reminiscent of the family she still wishes she had. She knew these Slytherin friends of hers were a family for her, however it didn't take away from her blood familial ties she wished was still within reach.
"My dad used to rave about Star Wars. Showed me the trilogy." She says to him, remembering the look on her father's face as he popped the VHS tape into their VCR to show her the 'masterpiece' that is the Star Wars universe.
"Want to tag along?" Alaric asks enthusiastically.
She looks up to him, eyes locked on to his earthy green eyes, "Yes, I'd love to!"
"I don't care what you say, Leia is THE female icon of the century." Pansy yells into the phone.
Alaric and Hermione chuckle at Pansy yelling at the person on the other line.
"Here, your cousin is being ridiculous." Pansy states, handing the phone back to Alaric.
"Alaric's been trying to get Denny to send his VHS's to him, but apparently he refuses to part with them." Theo states to Hermione with raised brows, Alaric now yelling at Denny in the background.
"Are you guys wanting to watch them?" She asks curiously.
"I can't speak for Blaise, but I'm curious." Theo says, placing his hand on his chest.
"I wouldn't mind seeing a few muggle films before I wither away in Azkaban." Blaise says in between coughs after his exhale of Whistling White.
Hermione deadpans him.
"It's only a matter of time before they find the maggot infested corpse, Hermione." Blaise chuckles, head tilted back smiling at her with his droopy eyes.
"Forget Blaise and his maggots, help me think of ways to apologize to Gin." Pansy says, swooping in and clutching Hermione's arm.
Thursday, 11th of February 1999
Hermione stands behind Pansy giving her the encouragement she needs to apologize to Ginny. Pansy has attempted to talk to her four times that Hermione can count only for her to get a few yards away and then chicken out. Pansy looks at Ginny who's laying on her bed reading Witch's Weekly and then back to Hermione with an unsure expression. Hermione gestures for her to move further, mouthing, 'Go.' Pansy nods her head hesitating only slightly before she knocks on the doorway. Ginny looks up and immediately scowls at Pansy.
"What do you want?" Ginny's tone dripping with venom.
Hermione winces for Pansy.
"I wanted to apologize," Pansy says, her voice riddled with vulnerability.
Ginny closes the magazine, sits up on her bed and crosses her arms. "Go ahead. Apologize. Apologize for sleeping with my boyfriend. Apologize for betraying my trust. Apologize for breaking my heart." Ginny's anger barely overshadows her hurt, her lip trembling with watery eyes.
Pansy steps closer, "Not a million apologies could ever heal the hurt that I caused, but I am so unbelievably sorry, Ginny."
Ginny turns to look at her, hurt in her eyes but unable to turn away from her words.
"I'm not going to excuse my behavior; you were a genuine friend and I broke your trust. I was hurting and wanted someone else to hurt with me. I should have never tried with Harry."
Hermione isn't able to see Pansy's face, she can only see Ginny's attempt at a scowl.
"Pansy, you're not the only one who did. Tell her." Hermione says to Pansy.
Ginny shifts her eyes from Pansy to Hermione.
Pansy's hesitation is visible on her body, she exhales slowly before speaking. "I did try to sleep with Harry, I can't deny that, but he was going to. I'm the one who stopped before things got too messy. I swear on my shitty life we only kissed that night." Pansy explains to Ginny.
"He lied to me?" Ginny's brows furrowed in confusion, her eyes flickering from Pansy to Hermione. "Why?" She asks aloud, but the question was more for herself.
Ginny looks at Hermione, searching her eyes for confirmation, Hermione nods her head to give it to her.
Pansy shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders, "I'm not sure."
Tears slowly fall down Ginny's face, "I loved you. How am I supposed to trust you?"
Pansy's eyes begin to water, letting a few slide down her face. "I could apologize until I am blue in the face, but the only thing I can do to show you how sorry I am is for you to see it through my actions and be patient while you decide if you're ever going to forgive me."
Pansy meekly steps closer to her gauging if Ginny is opposed to the idea of Pansy being next to her. With no evidential pullback Pansy slowly sits on her bed. Ginny and Pansy share pained expressions before Pansy reaches out for her, wrapping their arms around each other while sitting on her bed. Hermione follows suit and sits on the other side of Ginny holding her.
"He told me you slept with him," Ginny says, shaking her head in disbelief.
Pansy pulls her brows together looking at Hermione.
"He said you drugged him," looking up to her.
Pansy immediately pulls further away from Ginny, but remains touching her hands.
"That bastard," Pansy says to herself, mouth gaped open, "He just used what happened to Draco," she shakes her head in disgust.
"What happened to Draco?" Both Ginny and Hermione say in unison looking at one another.
"Some girl at his new school couldn't take a hint so she drugged the poor bloke."
Hermione recalls the day that he came back and Katarina was bragging about sleeping with him.
But she couldn't recall any details?
Hermione nods her head, recalling what she eavesdropped, "Yeah, I remember overhearing Amara talking to her cousin. Katerina was bragging about it, but couldn't remember anything."
"He said that the only thing he remembers was how he wanted to get out of that hell hole, but hoping she would leave him alone before he apparated back to Hogwarts."
"Wait. He apparated all the way here?" Hermione asks out loud.
"Wandlessly…" Pansy adds.
Both Ginny and Hermione's eyes grow wide.
"He didn't have his wand?" Ginny asks Pansy.
"No, he found it the next day."
Apparating that far is unheard of, let alone without a wand.
Oh my God.
"Wait. hold on. How did he get back?" Hermione asks.
Pansy shrugs one shoulder, "He apparated."
Hermione's eyes widening, "He apparated back? He apparated into the castle and then back out of it?"
The realization of enormous magic it must have taken to do such a thing finally registers to Pansy and Ginny. They share wide eyed expressions before looking at Hermione.
"And you're not supposed to know the location of Durmstrang, not even students truly know the exact location. How the hell did he apparate back?" Hermione says out loud, but asking herself.
Continuing with the idea of doing better and being better, Hermione musters the courage to write to a Malfoy about a particular drawing room in hope of continuing exposure therapy for herself. Hermione wasn't sure if she'd get a response or for her proposal to be accepted.
But alas here she is opening the response letter.
Dear Miss Granger,
I have received your letter regarding the proposed 'exposure therapy' in the drawing room. Although I don't understand the significance myself, I do acknowledge your need to garner a sense of closure in the space where the incident occurred.
I accept your proposal and will allow the sessions to take place inside the drawing room. Please provide the necessary details to facilitate this process, and I will ensure that the arrangements are made accordingly.
Sincerely,
Narcissa Malfoy
Sunday, 14th of February 1999
Hermione floos into the Malfoy manor at the agreed time of 1:30 pm. She can hear a conversation happening in the other room.
"No, no magic." Recognizing Narcissa's voice.
"So, you're wanting this done the muggle way. . ." an undetectable male voice responds.
A beat of silence.
"Ma'am we're not trained in muggle demolition. You'll either have to seek out others who are, or. . ."
A small hesitation was felt. "Muggles themselves." A different undetectable male voice informs.
"I will NOT have muggles on this property! Leave! How dare you suggest such a thing."
Hermione clenches her jaw and exhales her vexation. Three goblins walk towards her to use the floo. Once they've disappeared through the green flame she makes her way to where Narcissa is. Hermione's caught off guard as she hears screams in the distance followed by crashing and banging. The scream itself is filled with pain, but not physical, but pain of the heart. Hermione grabs the entryway and peeks her head glancing at the scene before her. Narcissa continues her shrieks of pain as she grabs objects to throw at the walls and the floor around her. Nothing seeming to release the pain within her heart so Narcissa transfigures a single piece of glass into a sledgehammer. Using every ounce of her strength to slam it into the wall over and over again. Tears. Screams. Continuous banging. The sight has Hermione feeling something she's never thought she would for Narcissa: empathy.
Hermione takes in a deep breath to then exhale deeply and stalks closer to her. The sound of her screams and the sledgehammer breaking through the walls echo her pain. She watches Narcissa as she continues her rampage for a few minutes before Narcissa seems to grow tired, slowing to then stop altogether. The sound of demolition replaced with heartbroken sobs. Hermione steps forward and the sound of glass crushed under her feet has Narcisssa whipping her head to the direction of the abrupt noise. Hermione bends down and draws her wand, transfiguring the glass into a sledgehammer just as Narnissa did. A flicker of hesitation in Narcissa's eyes before curiosity replaces them. Finding a spot in the wall that hasn't been penetrated and then Hermione gives Narcissa a small smile before beginning her own demolition process.
Each swing allows Hermione to channel her own pain, the unfillable void left by her parents' absence, the weight of not being the same person she once was, and the sting of Draco's betrayal. She felt her heart ache with every shattered floorboard and broken window, a visceral expression of the hurt she carried within herself. As she struck the walls, she noticed Narcissa's slight hesitation as she approached. There was a shared acknowledgement of a collective hurting, while they might not be hurting for the same reasons, knowing that they're not alone in their pain was a small comforting feeling. Narcissa raised her sledgehammer to drop it on the large shards of glass. Hermione and Narcissa exchange a small smirk before continuing on their path of destruction.
* . * . *
As they come down from the high of adrenaline pumping through them, they stop their demolition efforts, both breathing heavily. Hermione drops her sledgehammer, casting a finite for it to return to the broken shard of glass it once was.
"I'm sorry," Narcissa says to Hermione in between breaths.
Hermione shakes her head, also breathing heavily, "You don't apologize for him."
Narcissa leans over clutching her legs, attempting to relax from the continuous blows. Her brows pull together in confusion slightly, "I'm not apologizing on Draco's behalf, this is my apology to you. I'm also responsible for that burden on your arm." She states in between heavy breathes, pointing to her Mudblood scar.
Hermione exhales a long breath, slowly clutching her scarred arm.
"Unlearning something you've been taught to believe your entire life is difficult. It's not going to happen overnight, it will take time."
Hermione doesn't say anything as she nods her head in acknowledgement.
"Although I don't deserve it, I would appreciate it if you were able to give me the grace and patience that I was never able to extend to you, before."
Hermione nods while giving her a thoughtful expression.
"Would you like to move this demo party to the drawing room?" Narcissa gauges with a small smirk.
A smile dances across Hermione's face, appreciating the offer of eliminating the lingering memories. But her face falters, she knew that even if they were to destroy the walls, the windows and the floorboards, the memories would still be embedded within them. Hermione walks slowly towards the drawing room and Narcissa follows along. Hermione stops before the entryway of the drawing room, looking around for lingering signs of Bellatrix as she places her hand on the entryway.
"No, if it's alright with you I'd like to deal with those memories differently." Hermione states.
"Would you like to be left alone for this exposure therapy?" Narcissa asks.
Hermione takes in a deep breath as they enter the drawing room, and nods, "Yes, please," and then adds, "but I also believe that you being in the room could also help. I'm just not ready for that quite yet."
Narcissa gives her a thoughtful expression and nods her head before she leaves Hermione in the drawing room.
Hermione takes in being in the room alone letting herself remember the pain and how she felt to cry out for help and those pleas to fall on deaf ears. Then recalling the small lifeline that was granted to her that day, Draco attempted the counter curse for the scar. She looks down at her scar, remembering the pain and then the love that's touched it this past year. Tracing her fingers along the raised letters. Fully opening herself to all the pain she's endured over the past two years. The physical pain she's endured, mental anguish she pushed to the side for the sake of the war, and the pain of her heartbreak. Letting the tears stream down her face as the waves of emotions crash over her again and again. Accepting and willing to embrace the chaos of the ocean of grief slamming into her.
Wednesday, 17th of February 1999
Hermione stands with McGonagall waiting for her Slytherin friends to enter the room for the grieving session. Once Pansy, Theo and Blaise enter they smile brightly at their friend, appreciating her coming back to session with them.
"I already asked Headmistress McGonagall about it, but I wanted to know if you guys would be interested."
They look at one another confused before smirking at Hermione, curiously awaiting her question.
"Would you be willing to move the sessions to a new location?"
"Where?" Theo asks with a bright smile.
"And willing to open up to others?" Hermione with a gauging smile.
"Oh, Merlin. Where Granger?" Pansy asks.
"One of the Gryffindor groups?"
Theo and Blaise quickly share glances and beaming smiles while Pansy crosses her arms, annoyance written on her face.
"You don't have to go, Pansy," McGonagall offers.
"Ugh, I don't want to be alone." Pansy releases a vexed exhale.
"Ginny gave her approval . . ." Hermione offers with a small sad smile.
Pansy and Hermione share knowing glances before Pansy rolls her eyes dramatically, throwing her hands in the air in defeat. "Fine. I'll go."
"Yay." Theo and Blaise say in unison before bending down to hug their emotionally avoidant best friend tightly on either side of her.
Saturday, 20th of February 1999
It's been a while since I wrote in here. Hopefully I'll make it more of a recurrence.
A lot has happened within the past couple of months. Some bad, some good.
But I'm working on the bad bits though.
I've started doing the exposure therapy session in the drawing room, and was rather surprised when Narcissa agreed to let me do them. But there's a shared acknowledgement of a trauma we both have from the war.
I also started going back to the grieving groups.
I know I took a few steps back, but I'm proud of myself for taking 10 steps forward.
Hermione takes a deep breath before writing the next line.
I hope you're doing okay . . .