This Is War

by Chase'sGirl19

The third story of Already Home This is the aftermath of Severus' betrayal, where he must now live with the consequences of it, and making sure everything is going to plan or it would all be for nothing. Remus must keep himself afloat while handling a broken heart, and being there for Harry. Soon he may find more than that to deal with... And Harry, he must still carry on and fight

8. After The Battle

Chapter Eight - After The Battle

Warning: Very long chapter ahead, there's cutting and lots of angst. Have your fall snacks and coffee ready!

Remus fucked up tonight.

He lost control of his temper, lost himself to his paranoia and fear. He allowed the wolf to show itself in his face and in his eyes. The adrenaline of dangerously flying over a hundred feet in the air then free-falling as Remus tried to get back onto his broom, then flying at a neck-breaking speed to save George was still coursing through Remus' blood, and as soon as he had arrived back to the Burrow by portkey with a barely conscious and bleeding George with him, Remus realized he couldn't trust anyone returning. What if one of them had been taken and an imposter was in their place, trying to get through the wards of the Burrow, trying to take Harry?

The Death Eaters figured out the date they were moving Harry on, a date that wasn't decided until a day ago to prevent it from getting leaked, but it still did. How? Was there really a traitor among the Order who immediately gave the date to Voldemort as soon as it was decided? Or was all this somehow caused by Severus? After all, Severus was there at the head of the ambushing party. He was the one who Remus, Moody and Kingsley suspected who confunded the plan of the Seven Potters into Mundungus, but could Severus have known the date? Mundungus hadn't given the Order an actual date when he told them about it, or had he? Remus couldn't remember. Still, it made Remus cautious of everyone returning back to the Burrow, and it took away any flicker of hope he might have felt about Severus' reasons for giving them this plan. Because Severus was there, he attacked them. Led the ambushing party straight to them and his attacks were so vicious and cruel. No way it was all just a cover. It was too real, it seemed too real to Remus.

When all of that went through Remus, it caused panic, it caused doubt, and it caused him to act irrationally, caused him to act like a cornered, injured wolf. The closest person that had been standing near him, having just arrived before Remus and George, was Harry. With no warning, Remus shoved Harry up against the wall, pointing his wand to his chest, demanding Harry to verify himself.

Harry gasped out from his shock, his breath being knocked out of him as his back hit the wall.

"No, Remus!" Molly shouted at the same time as Ginny shouting, "Hey, what are you doing? Let go of him!"

"Oi! Lupin!" Hagrid shouted from the doorway of the kitchen, his posture bent. He was too tall to be able to fully stand up straight.

Remus ignored all of them. He had to do this, to be safe. Hagrid being a half-giant confirmed his identity. Molly and Ginny weren't part of the mission so they were clear. George was vouched for by Remus already, so that only left Harry.

"What creature sat in my office the very first time you stepped into it during your third year?" he shouted to Harry.

Harry recovered from his shock enough to try and fight out of Remus' tight hold, his voice betraying his panic. "What the fuck, Remus! Let me go! Are you mad?!"

As much as Remus wanted to, he didn't. "Just answer me! What creature?!" Remus shouted back, ignoring Hagrid's continued protests to unhand Harry, Molly shouting his name out again.

Was this really Harry? Or had he'd been taken and replaced with an imposter? But the way Harry's breaths were suddenly becoming heavy, the way he shouted to Remus with panic and shock, the way he looked back at Remus with green eyes filled with fear and anger and triggered emotions from his past of childhood abuse, Remus saw it before Harry even had to answer his question. Horror filled Remus up when he realized what he was doing. This was really his cub Remus had pointed his wand at.

"A grindylow I think, I don't know! Let go of me!"

Remus immediately let go, lowering his wand and stepping back.

Harry was shaking hard, Remus watched him run a hand through his hair as if he were trying to calm himself down. He avoided Remus' gaze. And just like that, Remus' adrenaline, his fear, his paranoia, it rushed out of him, replaced by guilt that made his stomach clench from the sight of Harry being afraid of him.

Remus really fucked up.

"Cub, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, but the date of the mission was leaked, meaning someone could have betrayed us tonight. We can't trust anyone coming back before verifying it's really them first. I was afraid you might have been an imposter."

"How do I know you're not one?" Harry challenged Remus, his voice angry and shaken.

Remus hated that he did that, that he was the cause of that, but at least he knew that was his actual cub being upset with him then some Death Eater in disguise.

"Ask me anything, cub, anything that only me and you know."

Harry looked down to the floor, he absentmindedly rubbed at his scar as he asked, "The song I helped you write, what was it called?"

Remus smiled briefly at the memory of them working on it together, sitting under the blanket fort he and Harry had made while waiting for Severus to come home to them. At that moment, Remus realized he would give anything if he and Harry could just go back to that night.

"This is the New Year," he answered wistfully.

Harry nodded at Remus' answer then irritably rubbed at his scar again.

Remus stepped closer to Harry, wanting to check if he was okay, if he had any wounds from the battle. There was dry blood on his clothes.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt? You have blood on you."

Harry stepped back against the wall, flinching away, his gaze avoiding Remus. "I'm fine," was all he said.

"Ted Tonks fixed him up alright," Hagrid added. "Took a bleeding blow to the head, did you, Harry? Hmm…maybe you should let Molly or Remus take a look at you again, Harry, you did pass out when we got to the Tonks."

"Harry!" Remus exclaimed with concern.

"I said I'm fine!" Harry shouted.

"There's no need to shout like that to Remus now! Come on, love, let me take a look at you," Molly interrupted before Remus could say anything himself.

Harry allowed Molly to check him over. "He's alright, Remus, Ted and Andromeda did a wonderful job patching him up."

Molly patted Harry's cheek, then went back to tend to George.

Harry frowned from her coddling then said to Remus, "None of the Order could have betrayed us. Voldemort caught up with me in the end, it seemed like he didn't know who I was at first. If we did have a traitor, don't you think they would have known our whole entire plan? I think something just gave me away."

Remus had been watching Harry with concern, hating how suddenly Harry was fearful of Remus' proximity but at his cub's words, it briefly was overtaken by shock and fear. Voldemort had been there and so close to Harry! Remus hadn't seen Voldemort during the battle, hadn't even known he was there. It all happened so fast. Now all Remus could remember was dueling too many Death Eaters, Severus' cruel dark eyes and George bleeding and falling, falling, falling, trying to catch George.

"Voldemort was there with you? I didn't even see him! And he caught up to you? What happened? Was he the one who hurt you!" The questions came out of Remus at rapid-fire speed, forcing himself again to not see for himself if Harry was really okay, to see if Molly or the Tonks had missed any injuries on him, knowing and seeing the signs that Harry was feeling triggered and sensitive to Remus right now. He kept rubbing at his scar.

Harry explained everything. Of how he and Hagrid were immediately attacked and Hagrid tried driving away as far as he could from the battle. How Harry wanted to go back and help the Order but Hagrid refused then they were suddenly being chased by a group of Death Eaters, how Hedwig had been hit. How the attacks from the Death Eaters became too much that Hagrid had been forced to push the purple button on the bike to lose them, causing it to shoot out dragon fire and go at a crazy-high speed. The acceleration of it had caused the sidecar to come off and Harry was holding on for dear life and trying to battle the Death Eaters at the same time and somehow knocking a tooth out in the process.

How Harry ended up on the bike with Hagrid, the sidecar falling to the ground with Hedwig's cage inside it. How in the middle of battle Stan Shunpike, the conductor of the Knight bus, was seen by Harry and how he only disarmed him. Then he heard the Death Eaters shouting: That's the real one! And they all left and how eerily quiet it suddenly was and so Harry told Hagrid to push the purple button again to get them out of there.

Then suddenly Voldemort was there… Harry stammered over that part then described how the wards from the Tonks' property chased Voldemort away and they crashed into the yard, then Harry blacked out, waking up a moment later to Ted Tonks telling him he was okay, that he had a wound on his head, broken ribs and arm and a missing tooth, but all of it had been healed. Hagrid was healed up too and then they used the portkey to the Burrow, almost missing it.

It was definitely quite a tale and Harry and Hagrid were lucky to have made it to the Burrow alive. Remus found out the answer halfway through it, the answer to what gave Harry away, causing Voldemort to go after them.

"Harry, you used a Disarming spell on Shunpike!" Remus scolded with exasperation in his voice. "That is what gave you away. I'm quite sure of it! The time for Disarming has passed, you were in the middle of battle! Those Death Eaters were trying to kill you, and you using that move only helped them figure you out! If you're not prepared to kill in battle at least stun them!"

Harry looked taken aback at Remus for a moment then said defiantly, "We were hundreds of feet up in the air! If I would have cursed Stan then he would have fallen to his death! It wasn't his fault he was there! I'm sure he was Imperiused, and if I would have stunned him then I might as well have just used Avada Kedavra on him, it would be less traumatic a death for him at least! Plus what is wrong with Expelliarmus? That spell saved me two years ago in the graveyard!"

Remus inwardly sighed with frustration at Harry's stubbornness and at the fact that they were arguing again, which didn't take long for them to do after their reunion. He couldn't help but wonder with desperation, what would Severus have done in this situation? Would he have sided with Remus and explain this more clearly to Harry how dangerous it was to have a signature move? Because that was how Remus was seeing this.

Disarming was becoming Harry's signature move, showing mercy to enemies trying to kill him. That was indeed very dangerous if Harry wasn't careful…

Or would Severus have sided with Harry, perhaps? Or try to be the middleman between them?

Remus wasn't trying to get Harry to see that it was okay to kill during battle, but sometimes, sometimes they had to do what was necessary in order to protect themselves, cursing instead of disarming, a lesson Remus and his friends all had to learn during the first war…

It was a hard lesson to learn, but this was war. This was how it was going to be until it was over…

And Harry couldn't understand that, and it worried Remus. It worried him greatly and it made him sad to know that the longer this war carried on, Harry would just have to learn it on his own like how Remus had, how James, how Lily, how Sirius had all learned it… Soon Harry would see what Remus was trying to tell him, he just didn't want Harry to learn it the hard way.

"Yes, exactly, you've used it in that graveyard, you've used it in front of Voldemort and all of his Death Eaters. It's an unusual move in battle, Harry, I'm positive that could've surprised them enough to not forget it, and when you repeated the spell Expelliarmus again tonight, it's what gave you away. Don't let this happen again, don't let it become your signature move. That can get you killed. Severus and I have been teaching you advanced dueling so use what we've taught you!"

Then Remus stopped because saying Severus' name hurt. Saying it aloud like that to Harry, it sounded like Severus was still their's, the way Remus inserted him into his lecture… Remus blinked, then frowned at his mistake as the cruel reality washed over him again. Severus wasn't here to put his input on this and it hurt. Fucking hell it hurt! And the way Harry looked at Remus with a furrowed brow, Remus knew he felt the loss too.

Then Harry shook his head with disbelief, curling his lip as he said, "You made a big whole fucking stink about me going after Bellatrix, and now you're angry at me for disarming instead of killing an innocent man who should not have been at that battle!"

"Harry, this is different! This was a battle and purely out of self-defense. You were trying to kill Bellatrix out of revenge and cold-blood!"

"She deserved it! Stan didn't! I'm not going to be killing innocent people for being in the way! That's Voldemort's job, isn't it?!"

Fuck! Remus just wanted to shout out. How the fuck did he always manage to screw things up between him and Harry? Severus was always so much better with this than him.

The air between them grew thick. The only noises were Ginny and Molly tending and speaking to George, purposely ignoring the scene between Harry and Remus. Hagrid was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, an audience to their argument. Harry was glaring at Remus with defiance, and Remus knew that Harry was upset with him for more than just their argument. It was clear they had a lot to talk about.

"You alright, Harry?" Hagrid asked, stepping out of the doorway and sitting on a wooden chair only for it to instantly break from under him, shaking the small house for a bit. Hagrid sputtered out his apologies to Molly who waved it away, yet he didn't get up from the floor.

Harry didn't respond to Hagrid, he just moved his eyes down to the floor instead. Remus saw that his hands were hidden inside his pant pockets. With concern he wondered if Harry was sinking his nails into his palms, hurting himself to soothe away his anxiety and stress. Harry was closing up from Remus, the mental brick wall was back up as strong as ever, and realizing it, seeing it, anger rushed through Remus so fiery hot. It was for Severus, his sudden anger, this was all because of Severus. All that hard work they'd put into Harry's mental health, all that hard work to take down that wall… It was all gone.

"Harry?" Hagrid called to him again.

"I'm fine, Hagrid," Harry scowled.

Hagrid tilted his head to Harry with concern. "Lupin, you didn't have to be so rough with Harry now, did you? Why didn't you check to see if I was an imposter too, eh?"

Remus didn't take his eyes off of his cub as he answered Hagrid, "You're a half-giant, Hagrid, no one can properly impersonate you."

Remus then realized that it has been a while now since they've returned, a while that was too long without anyone else returning. Where were the others? Why were they taking so long to get back to the Burrow? Concern and fear pooled heavily into his stomach. He had to remind himself that Tonks was a highly skilled Auror, smart and capable of taking care of herself. She knew what she was doing, and Remus had no reason to doubt her. Tonks was going to return safe and unharmed with their unborn child, Remus told himself, forcing himself to believe that. He had to believe that.

"Hey, cub," Remus addressed Harry with worry in his voice. He stepped in front of Harry, but not touching him, aware of the others in the room watching. "Cub, look at me, there's no need to close up with me, you can still trust me."

Harry shook his head, still avoiding Remus' gaze who watched those green eyes land on George who was lying on the sofa. The side of his head was now wrapped up, the white cloth nestled against bright-red hair, and already it was stained with blood. At the sight of it, Remus then looked down with a frown at his own robes, seeing that Harry and George weren't the only ones covered in blood, he was as well. It was on his robes and on his hands. His nose twitched from the coppery scent. Remus stepped away from Harry then went into the kitchen, to the sink to scrub his hands, the cool water washing away his and George's blood mixed together.

A throbbing pain from the movement of walking to the kitchen suddenly came to light, and with it brought a memory of a curse hitting Remus in his left side during the battle, knocking him off his broom. Remus couldn't remember what Death Eater had given it to him. He was about to move aside his robes and shirt to take a look at it, but was interrupted by Harry's footsteps quietly following Remus into the kitchen.

"Is George going to be okay?"

At the sound of his cub's voice, the exhaustion was clear. Remus was surprised that Harry had followed him, and his concern for him grew with it, his frustration he'd felt earlier for Harry's stubbornness melted away. Remus turned off the sink, drying his hands with a towel. He turned around, facing Harry. "He will be, but his ear… It was cursed off by…"

Before Remus could finish what he was saying, suddenly there was scuffling and voices coming from the kitchen window. Harry's eyes widened, then Remus bolted out of the back door with his son on his heels.

Remus skidded to a stop, throwing an arm out protectively in front of Harry, stopping him in his tracks, shielding him from Kingsley's wand.

Kingsley stood before Remus with Hermione in clothes similar to Harry's behind him. The Auror was standing battle-ready, his wall pointing at Remus with careful suspicion. Remus matched his stance, aiming his own wand at the Auror's face.

"Hermione!" Harry called out. Hermione didn't respond, but her brown eyes were wide, her face pale.

Harry made to escape Remus to get to his best friend, but he only firmly held his son back.

"Wait," Remus said to him.

"The last words Dumbledore said to the both of us?" was all Kingsley asked.

"Trust Harry, he's the only hope we have left," Remus answered, his voice echoing in the yard, feeling Harry's shocked gaze on him.

Their wands lowered at the same time. Remus was about to move his other arm away from Harry to allow him to go to Hermione when Remus saw Kingsley with uncertainty move his wand to his cub.

"Harry's okay, I've checked!" Remus couldn't help but snap out, not wanting Harry to go through another interrogation by Kingsley. The wound in his side was now throbbing from his mad dash to the yard.

The guilt from how triggered Harry reacted from Remus' own interrogation was still on his conscience, but then he noticed how Harry was staring Kingsley down without even a flinch, ready to answer anything the Auror asked him.

It made Remus wonder why Harry had reacted so badly to Remus confirming his identity and not at all with Kingsley, then quickly realized it was because Remus was Harry's guardian now, a father to him. Just as Severus had been, was supposed to be, then betrayed Harry so badly just as bad as the Dursleys had done. Harry was brave, a Gryffindor, always ready to fight, always willing to risk his own neck to save his friends and others, but when it came to the people who were supposed to care for him, the people who were supposed to be his guardians, those were the ones that Harry couldn't trust, couldn't hide his fear, couldn't push back his emotions, always putting up his wall to protect himself from them no matter how brave he could be.

There was a time when Remus and Severus had finally torn that wall down, brick by brick, piece by piece. It took so long, so much work. And now, Harry was back to being a prisoner of that childhood fear, the mistrust, hiding behind that wall. After one summer apart, now Remus was starting over with Harry, another thing that was because of Severus. Remus suddenly felt the threat of being greatly overwhelmed at the growing list of things that were lost between him and Harry.

"Alright, alright, Lupin!" Kingsley lowered his wand. "You know this means we were betrayed tonight. They knew when we were moving him."

Remus nodded to that, "But at least the plan worked. It could've been worse considering who we got it from." At that Remus felt more than saw Harry perk up with that information. He realized Harry didn't know that it was Mundungus who gave the Order the idea of the Seven Potters.

"Thank Merlin, I should say," Kingsley only sighed. "Who else is back?"

"Only us, Hagrid and George…"

"That's it?" Kingsley frowned, looking out into the skies and the fields for any sign of movement. "And I feared that Hermione and I took long enough."

"They should've been back by now, at least Ron and Tonks, weren't they one of the first pair scheduled to appear?" Hermione suddenly gasped out, her shock wearing off enough to allow her to speak for the first time.

Hermione's question echoed Remus' own in his head, full of worry and fear for them, for Tonks especially. At the sound of Hermione's distress, Harry shoved past Remus and threw his arms around his best friend.

"What happened to you two?" Remus asked Kingsley, watching the teens reunite, still hoping so very much that Tonks and Ron and all the others were safe.

Kingsley and Hermione recounted the events that happened to them, then Kingsley said with shock, "Remus, Voldemort was there. He was chasing after us, he can… I saw him…" Remus had never seen Kingsley so shaken before.

Harry looked at Hermione with shock, then at Kingsley. "Fly?" Harry finished for the Auror. "Yeah, I saw him too, he went after me and Hagrid just before we reached the Tonks' wards."

"Ah, so that was why he left us, to come after you, but what gave you away?" Kingsley asked Harry.

Before Harry could answer, Remus said, "He behaved a little too kindly to Stan Shunpike, Harry disarmed him with Expelliarmus instead of attacking him."

Harry huffed out with annoyance at his explanation, but it was covered by Kingsley's bout of sudden laughter.

Hermione gave Harry a confused look, "Stan Shunpike? Isn't he supposed to be locked up in Azkaban?"

"Of course but due to that mass outbreak months ago, I'm not surprised to see some escaped convicts. Travers was on our tail tonight, another one who's supposed to be in Azkaban… Greyback has been on the loose for quite some time of course… But, Remus, what happened to you and George? Where is he? And is that blood you're covered in?"

Remus grimaced at the sudden mention of George. "He's inside with Molly and Ginny. He lost an ear."

Hermione gasped, her face turning white. "He lost a…?" She couldn't finish her sentence.

Kingsley tilted his head, silently asking. Remus didn't want to answer him.

"It was Snape…" Remus reluctantly admitted, his stomach turning from what he revealed.

"Snape did that!" Harry shouted, whipping his attention to Remus. "You didn't say it was him who did that! He used…!"

"Sectumsempra," Remus finished with a grimace.

Harry looked at him with wide eyes full of horror, finally making eye-contact longer than a second with Remus for the first time since they'd both arrived at the Burrow. It was nice to see his cub look at him again, even if he hated the reason for it.

Remus continued with his tale, "He was with Lucius, he wasn't wearing the Death Eater mask and hood like the others, meaning he must be so high up in rank along with Bellatrix now…" Remus felt sick thinking about how Severus achieved that… "He was going after you, Harry, he figured you out a second before the others and I stopped him, we dueled and he used Sectumsempra, hitting George on his ear and knocking him off his broom."

"Sectumsempra? What sort of dark spell is that?" Kingsley asked.

Remus felt sick again, this time from describing the spell to Kingsley, noticing the same uncomfortable feeling on Harry's face. They were both remembering how Harry had found the spell in Severus' old Potions textbook and how it led to Harry accidentally using it on Malfoy, not knowing what it did. Harry and Malfoy were both so lucky that Severus had been nearby to help them.

Remus recalled how badly Severus had felt about the whole incident, and not just angry at Harry for using an unknown spell on Malfoy, he'd been angrier at himself for leaving such a dark spell laying around to be so easily found. Severus blamed himself for it, Remus remembered that with an ache in his heart that shortened his breath just a bit. He remembered how Severus had desperately made it clear to Remus that he wasn't that boy anymore, that young teenage boy who was so lost and angry and alone, creating dark spells to hurt people, to impress people, to earn his place with Voldemort. Oh, how foolish Remus felt about himself to have believed all of that. It was clear to him now that Severus must've purposely left that book lying around, hoping Harry would find it, then whatever terrible plan Severus must've had failed when the spell was used on Malfoy, and Severus desperately had to cover up his tracks….

"Remus, are you okay?" Kingsley asked.

Remus pulled himself out of his thoughts, realizing they were all waiting for him to continue. He rubbed a hand over his face, inwardly composing himself before speaking again.

"It's a creation of Severus'... It tears your body apart… It's a specialty curse of his, I'm assuming… After George got hit with it I immediately tore myself away from the duel as fast as I possibly could, flying straight down to catch him. They chased after me, Severus, Malfoy and two others. I managed to fight them off, then one of them hit me…" Remus finally pulled back his robe, revealing his shirt and vest underneath, soaked with blood and most of the materials burnt off from a hidden burn wound on his side.

Harry gapped at the ugly sight of the wound.

"That looks serious!" Hermione said with shock.

"Lupin!" Kingsley said. "Get that taken care of as soon as possible, don't neglect it!"

Remus ignored their reactions, putting his robe back down to cover it and continued with his story, "The hit knocked me off my broom, I was free-falling…"

Hermione turned white at that, covering her mouth with her hands. Remus knew it was a fear of hers, preventing her from being a decent flier.

"Jesus Christ, Lupin!" Kingsley exclaimed with shock.

"Snape… He let you fall?" Harry asked so quietly.

Remus' heart broke at that, because Severus did. He was chasing him, then that was it. It was nothing but wind and sky and not knowing what was up and what was down. The only thing that kept Remus from panicking was the handle of the broom gripped tightly still in his hand and his wand gripped tightly in the other. His only lifelines, not Severus who only watched, who was okay with him dying in that horrible way, and Remus couldn't admit that to Harry, it was heartbreaking, it was hard to process and all he could do was force out a tiny nod.

Now it was Remus not looking at his son as he spoke, "I lost track of them after that… Luckily I still had my broom, it took everything I had to get back on it and fly as fast I could after George. We're both lucky to be alive…George especially. I got him just in time and he lost a lot of blood. It was hard to keep him sitting up with me on my broom as I flew towards our safe house."

It was silent after that, except for the few times Kingsley told Remus to go inside and get that wound taken care of. Remus stubbornly refused, saying Molly already had her hands full with George, she needed to focus on him and once everyone was safely back, then he would go inside and get it checked.

Arthur and Fred were next. The first thing they noticed were Remus' bloody robes, leaving Remus no choice but to tell them about George. They bolted to the Burrow before Remus could even finish telling them what happened, Arthur angrily refusing to go along with Kingsley's identity verification questions.

Kingsley glared at Remus, "You couldn't wait till after, Lupin?"

Remus shrugged, "I wasn't going to withhold it from them… Besides, I think their reaction was confirmation enough."

Then after that there was a long wait for the next pair to arrive. Remus watched the skies and the fields with Kingsley mostly in silence, ignoring the throbbing pain in his side, trying to focus on that instead of thinking of Severus watching him fall to his death. Remus begged to the heavens to make Tonks and Ron appear. Earlier their portkey had been found hidden in the grass. They had missed it. Where were they? Had they even made it to their safe-house?

Harry, who had previously been called back inside the Burrow by Hagrid, came back out to join them again, this time accompanied by Ginny. To Remus' surprise, they were holding hands. Remus raised an eyebrow at the sight, but didn't call it to attention. He just wanted to reach out and hug his son close, just to feel that Harry was really okay, that he was alright and safe here at the Burrow again after a long summer apart. That none of this had been some sort of dream. That despite everything that was going wrong tonight, Harry was really here. But Remus was afraid to even touch him, not bearing the thought of Harry flinching away from him again, not sure where they stood just now.

Time ticked away, the air began to grow colder. The crickets and the occasional hooting of an owl were the only sounds around them. Hermione came back out not long after Harry and Ginny's appearance. Everyone was silent, waiting, just waiting until finally, finally that silence was broken.

It was Ron and Tonks who finally appeared, but of course not with their missed portkey. They flew through the night sky on brooms. Tonks' speed was too fast for a smooth landing, causing her to skid to the ground, sliding and falling, sending a cloud of dust and pebbles everywhere.

"Dora!" Remus rushed over to her, falling to the floor besides her in the dirt and holding her tight. The relief in him was washing over him so strongly that Remus began kissing her face, his hands on her swollen belly. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Is the baby okay?! What took you so long!"

"Remus, Remus, I'm fine!" Tonks protested under his hovering affection. "We're fine! I told you I had things handled. And Ron, he was brilliant flying up there in the skies! You had nothing to worry about."

Remus looked up, searching for Ron and finding him coming out of a fierce hug from both Harry and Hermione. Hermione heard Tonks' praise and spoke to Ron, praising him as well, then the two began to argue. Remus huffed out with amusement then caught Harry looking at Remus and Tonks holding each other on the ground still. Remus wondered what he was thinking because Harry looked away quickly when he noticed Remus staring at him back, returning his attention back to his bickering friends.

Once their excitement of their returning friends died down, they all continued to wait again for the others, joined this time by Tonks and Ron. Arthur, who had heard the commotion, came out to join them. Bill and Fleur were still missing, and Moody and Mundungus. They waited in silence again, their laughter now just echoes in the night air. They waited until Kingsley had to go. They waited until Bill and Fleur finally appeared on their Thestral, breaking the silence. And once Bill and Fleur passed on the most horrific news, they all realized they had no one else to wait for anymore.

Everyone was stunned not into worry silence, but one filled with shock and grief and horror this time. Alastor Moody was dead and Mundungus fled. Was he the traitor they were searching amongst each other for? Or was he really just that cowardly?

As Bill told them what happened, it was Remus who held Tonks as she crumpled back down to the floor in tears, this time from the heavy weight of her grief and shock at the news of her mentor's death.

"It was Snape," Bill explained.

Again that name… Why is it always that name?

"Snape ganged up on Alastor with Malfoy, they got him right in the heart and he fell. Mundungus Apparated immediately."

Remus forced himself to not show his reaction to that, not with a sobbing Tonks in his arms, but he saw Harry's. Remus saw Harry seize up from it, saw the agony that passed so quickly on his face then hid it before anyone saw. Bill would never know just how much his explanation of Severus being partly responsible in what led to Moody's death destroyed a piece of Harry inside, but Remus knew. He saw it, he felt it, and recognized it as his own pain.

And every single little doubt Remus still had of Severus possibly being undercover, any little flames of hope of Severus still being on their side, even after he killed Dumbledore…even after that… But now this, another murder on Severus' hands and the near-murder of George and Remus himself… All of it, the flicker of hope, that tiny flame went out. Severus saw Remus fall and only watched or he must've just flown away with the Death Eaters, completely not caring at all if Remus died that way or not. It crushed Remus inside, so painful and hard that he suddenly felt like crumbling to tears alongside Tonks, but he didn't, he couldn't allow himself to break anymore. Instead he just kept holding Tonks. Instead he kept his focus on his son.

"Cub," Remus called out to Harry, knowing the mind of his son, knowing the turmoil this was causing in him, knowing in some way he was blaming himself for all of this, George's injury and Moody's death. But Harry ignored him, walking back to the Burrow with Ginny, leaving Remus alone with a crying Tonks in his arms.

They all drank a toast to Alastor Moody, then discussed the reason for Mundungus fleeing and getting Moody killed. In the end, they've all decided it was nothing but pure panic, he wasn't the traitor. That was the real question they argued over, who was it? There had to be, because how did the Death Eaters figure out the date Harry was to be moved out of Privet Drive?

And all of the incidents Severus was involved in tonight during the battle, Remus just couldn't get it out of his head. A painful reminder to everything that had been lost between them. It was like the confirmation of it, the reality of it tonight was sealed with no more room for doubt. It was a knife repeatedly stabbing itself in Remus' heart over and over and over again.

Why did Severus confund this plan into Mundungus? Why give them a well-thought out plan, yet leave out two very important things? The date to move Harry and what Order member was the real Harry going to be paired up with, the two most important parts that would make it more difficult for Severus and the Death Eaters to get Harry when they ambushed them. Why make it more difficult for themselves? Maybe it didn't matter to them since they'd figured those things out anyway… At first Remus hoped this plan was a sign of his Severus actually still there behind that Death Eater, but now, now he found himself wondering if Severus only gave them this plan because it gave the Order the upperhand of surprise only to make them feel safe enough to use it.

Remus sighed out with frustration at his running thoughts. What was the point to all of this? None of it made sense. Was Severus a traitor or was he possibly still undercover? Perhaps Severus just wanted to give them a bit of hope for that possibility then betray them again, flaunting his real loyalties to Voldemort again to the Order. After everything that happened tonight, that idea wasn't so hard for Remus to believe.

While Remus had been stuck pondering over Severus' loyalties and actions tonight, Harry's argument with Bill and Fleur about there being a traitor among the Order bought Remus out of his head.

"Harry, think about it, we were all fooled by Snape when we thought he was on our side. And look how that turned out, it shows that we must be more careful with who we trust. We may believe that no one could ever betray us, but this happens. It happened with Peter Pettigrew, it happened again with Snape…" Bill argued with Harry.

Remus saw Harry's flinch when Severus' name was mentioned each time. And he hated to admit it, but Remus understood what Bill was saying. They've already had two traitors now. They had to be more careful with their information. Even if Harry was right and there wasn't a third traitor, the Order still had to be on the alert. And Harry not even wanting to consider that, not wanting to believe that anyone in this room could betray him, well…Remus hated to admit that Harry was projecting James…

Blind trust for his friends and everyone in the Order, that got James killed and it could get Harry killed too, whose trust for his friends was as powerful as James' trust had been. And the fact that this kind of trust was only for Harry's friends and not the people he could call his guardians or parents… The loss of that hit Remus. He wished Harry could trust him like that. Harry was supposed to trust Severus like that, and Remus wished Harry could trust even Molly like that… Remus had noticed Harry flinching from her sometimes, he'd had his moments of closing up from her and he was always going to struggle just because Harry called Remus papa, just because Molly must be seen as a mother figure to Harry. They were always going to struggle… That really was a blow to Remus, but not surprising, just an ugly reminder to what was lost in Harry. Those Dursleys really did take so much from Harry, and Severus sealed that loss forever in Harry ever fully trusting anyone as a guardian or parent again…

But maybe that was for the best.

Maybe just for right now, during the war, maybe it was best for Harry's wall to be back up. Maybe it was better for him to remain cautious… Remus hated those thoughts, but it may just keep Harry protected if he should ever find himself face to face with Severus again and Remus wasn't there to protect him.

Harry was rubbing at his scar with frustration again as he suddenly looked at Remus. "What?!" he snapped at him. "Do you think I'm being stupid for not believing anyone of the Order could betray us tonight as well?"

Remus kept his voice calm. "No, I'm just thinking how you are being so much like James right now. He always had that very powerful trust for his friends and the thought of ever mistrusting them, it was like the greatest dishonor to them. That kind of trust can be blinding, Harry. Although it's wonderful to have such relationships, but for right now that could be dangerous…"

Harry hated that answer, he scowled at Remus with annoyance. It was the exact same scowl Severus would often do.

Seeing that, Remus quickly stood up. He didn't want to start another argument between them. It seemed as if he were just saying and doing all the wrong things tonight with Harry, and unable to stand this anymore between them, not wanting to argue nor having the strength for it, Remus volunteered with Arthur to search for Moody's body, leaving the Burrow before Harry could say anything else to him.

---

Harry watched Remus leave with anger and annoyance coursing through him, but he couldn't really blame Remus for leaving. Harry knew he was being difficult and taking his frustrations out on Remus, and he didn't know why. He didn't know why he was like this, so messed up and acting like a brat, and as soon as Remus stormed out of the Burrow, Harry felt an immense amount of guilt that threatened to swallow him whole. Guilt for annoying Remus enough to make him leave, guilt for the Order having to go through all of this just to get him here, guilt for Mad-Eye's death and George being seriously hurt…

And the only thing he was doing to repay them was arguing with them and sitting here in their presence, putting them into more danger. Harry being here at the Burrow only made them bigger targets to Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

Everyone continued to talk, drinking another round of firewhiskey for Mad-Eye, all retelling their parts in the mission, this time with a bit more dramatic flair and excitement. Harry was silent, he just wanted Remus to come back. He never wanted him to leave, and he didn't know how to express that, was too shy to voice it, but he could voice another reason for his guilt… Mad-Eye's death and George's lost ear. George was so lucky to be alive, and so was Remus who almost died saving him… In fact they were lucky that there were no more serious injuries or deaths tonight… The thought of that, it only made Harry feel worse and he suddenly found himself telling everyone that he had to go… He had to go, he couldn't stay here and put them in any more danger. He couldn't stay!

But he was met by tired protests from all of them. They weren't going to let him leave, that was soon made very clear to Harry, causing him to feel more annoyed and guilty, and once the attention was off of Harry, it was back to Fred and George making jokes about his missing ear, trying to get a laugh from Ginny. Mrs. Weasley had given Harry a comforting pat on the shoulder as she passed him on her way to the kitchen with Tonks who'd started silently crying again. Harry stiffened from her touch, not meeting her worried gaze. Ron and Hermione were sitting near each other, exchanging their annoying silent looks. Bill and Fleur were quietly talking to each other by the fireplace. Hagrid was sitting on what was left of the chair he broke earlier, nursing a third glass of firewhiskey. Seeing that everyone was now preoccupied, Harry made his escape outside.

He just needed to be alone, to think, to breathe, to process this whole bloody night, to stop feeling guilty for everything that went wrong, to stop missing Severus… Because through all of it, during the battle as he and Hagrid fought for their lives, as he tried his hardest to stay on Sirius' motorbike, as he found himself face to face with Voldemort, Harry had been terrified, but he kept thinking of Severus. If things had been different, if Severus had never betrayed him, what would he think of the plan the Order used, would Severus had made sure Harry stuck by him or Remus instead of Hagrid? Would he have scolded Harry like Remus had done for disarming Stan and giving away his position? Or would he agree with Harry? Would he have been proud of the way Harry fought tonight? Would he have been so rough in checking Harry's identity like Remus had? Would they be fighting like he and Remus were currently doing?

Harry understood why Remus reacted that way. The Death Eaters had been waiting for them, they were on to them right from the start, meaning a traitor had been on Remus' mind. He made Harry check him too, and Harry understood, but it didn't stop him from feeling triggered by the sudden rough handling. Because for a moment there when Remus had seized him, for a moment Harry was transported back to Privet Drive as if leaving that place for good had all been some sort of dream… Being slammed against a wall by Remus, Harry could feel his uncle's phantom hands wrapping around his neck and he felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming along, but Harry forced himself to focus on the present, kept saying to himself it was Remus, Remus, Remus, to shake away his uncle. The last thing he needed was to lose his mind in front of Mrs. Weasley and Ginny who'd been attending to George at the time.

Harry's scar suddenly sent out a sharp twinge, causing him to slap his hand to his forehead. It had been bothering him all night, especially when Voldemort had been near him. It burned so fiercely at that moment. It had taken a great amount of effort for Harry to stay focused on dueling and staying on the motorbike during the battle.

He massaged his forehead, hoping it would help lessen the pain a bit but it just continued to burn and burn, resulting in a headache.

Voldemort was angry, Harry could feel it, perhaps that was why he was feeling so angry himself. It was clear why the dark wizard was angry, but Harry wondered who he was taking his anger out on, and unexpected and unwanted worry for Severus and Draco blossomed inside of him, but Harry pushed it away, not wanting it because he wasn't supposed to care about them anymore. They chose the side they wanted to be on and it wasn't with him. And for Severus, it wasn't with Remus as well.

Harry was starting to worry about his scar, it didn't really bother him like this. It was always just a few twinges every now and then during the summer, but now it was just constant pain and emotions that weren't his own. Maybe this was happening more because he stopped practicing Occlumency and Voldemort was so close to him tonight, but Harry refused to close his mind before bed or even perform Occlumnecy to protect his mind when he was feeling like this. He figured this could be a way to help by seeing what Voldemort was doing or know what he was feeling. It was something he could contribute to the Order, a contribution no one else could do, and the thought of that, it helped soothe Harry's guilt for the Order and his friends sacrificing their safety and their lives for him.

"Harry, are you alright?"

It was Ginny. Harry could feel her behind him. The scent of her flowery shampoo wafting past him, and this time the butterflies he always felt around her was paired with his guilt for breaking up with her. He wondered if she was still upset with him over it; she didn't seem to be earlier while they were waiting for the Order members to arrive from their safehouses. She had taken his hand and held it, and Harry allowed her to.

Harry pulled his hands away from his forehead. "Yeah, I just have a headache."

"I bet mom has some Pepper-up Potion for that, want me to get it for you?"

"No, I'm okay, thanks though…"

Ginny sat next to him, her brown eyes full of concern were studying him. "You know they are right. It really makes no sense for you to just leave. Where would you go? We're just going to have to end up rescuing your dumb butt again."

At that, Harry laughed, "Yeah, you're right, and like what George said to me, what about his bleeding ear?"

Ginny rolled her eyes and her smile was sad, "I don't know how he could joke about it already. He lost an ear."

"I think it's his way of coping," Harry said. "Fred's too."

"Harry, it doesn't matter if you are here or not, we're all in danger, and it won't stop until the war is really over. It's more than us fighting for you, we are fighting with you. None of us are thinking that you are the cause of all this."

Harry only looked on ahead as she spoke, hoping the figures of Remus and Mr. Weasley would appear, but it was in vain hope. He knew they hadn't been gone long enough for them to come back yet. He then looked at Ginny, "Are you calling me a selfish prat?" he asked, maybe he could take a leaf out of the twins' book and try to joke to lighten the mood.

"Yes, you're being the biggest self-centered prat I've ever seen!" Ginny laughed.

Her laughter, Harry had forgotten how beautiful it was to hear it, didn't realize how much he missed hearing it until now. And the fact that she was finally here next to him after missing her all summer… It was the one bright thing during this wretched night.

And then her hand in was in his again and suddenly Harry was okay with the idea of staying just for a little while more… Harry wasn't even sure who initiated the contact. Maybe it was he who grabbed her hand because Ginny's chocolate-brown eyes were suddenly looking into his own and he could suddenly see the pain he caused her.

More guilt washed over Harry because even though she'd only meant it as a joke, Ginny was right… The way he had treated Remus tonight, the way he just wanted to leave after everything the Order went through to get him here… The least Harry could do was stay… With all of that going on in his head, he didn't let it show, Harry just shouldered Ginny with an offended look, causing her to laugh.

Her laugh…and Harry felt so bad for silencing it, for making her cry in June… "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Ginny, I didn't want to break up with you." He really felt like a twat for saying that.

Ginny quickly looked away, the humor between them instantly gone.

I am a fucking twat!

Because Harry suspected that she was just trying to hide her sudden tears at what he said.

"You're just being a noble prat is all… Maybe after the war… You said after we can try again. I'm holding you to that promise."

"I really was happy with you, Ginny, you make me happy," was all Harry could think of to say.

"I was happy too, Harry, but right now, you're right… We have to fight for us first."

The silence grew between them, heavy yet comfortable until Harry broke it.

"So, I'm a noble and selfish prat, just to be clear now? Let's add twat to the list as well."

Ginny laughed again and Harry instantly knew how much he was going to miss her once he, Ron and Hermione set off to start Dumbledore's mission. It was a constant and restless itch, and finally being out of Privet Drive and here at the Burrow but still not allowed to leave just yet, it did nothing to soothe it. But he'll stay, Harry told everyone inside that he was. He told Ginny he wasn't leaving. He told himself that he'll stay at the Burrow for just a little while longer…at least until he, Ron and Hermione were ready.

"Yes, you are very much so," Ginny said happily.

She left not long after that, called in by her mother who needed her assistance with something.

As soon as the door closed behind Ginny, that was when it happened. The pain in Harry's scar suddenly started growing and growing more intense, until it started becoming unbearable, until he found himself smashing his teeth together, closing his eyes shut, his hands holding his forehead and rubbing at his scar. Harry suddenly felt sick as if he were about to either pass out or throw up or maybe both. His breathing became heavy and fast, and he tried his best not to shout out.

The vision was over as soon as it started, leaving Harry gasping for breath from shock and pain and fear. He took deep, slow breaths, trying to calm himself down, trying to shut down his mind so he won't have to see anymore or feel any more emotions that weren't his. Harry didn't want to create a scene, didn't want anyone to hear him and come out.

He thought of his dads; before that horrible night happened. Before Severus Snape was only dad to him, and how happy Harry had been becoming. He thought of that boy he was instead of this broken mess that he was again. He focused on that happy feeling he had in his grasp for what only felt like a second before it slipped through his fingers. With rattling breaths, Harry remembered it and it hurt, he wondered if he could ever be that kind of happy again, but still, he remembered it and after a while his heavy breaths began to ease.

Just as Harry had wiped his face with his sleeve, once he was feeling just a bit okay again yet still shaken from what he saw, Hermione came out onto the porch.

"Why are you out here, Harry? I hope you're not having any more ideas about leaving. We aren't ready yet. It would be stupid of us to go right now, we need a proper plan!" Hermione scolded, sounding very much like Mrs. Weasley when she scolded her own children.

"I wasn't leaving, I just needed air," Harry said, trying not to sound too annoyed with her.

Hermione was silent, watching him, most likely taking in the state of him. She sat down next to him. "You're white as a ghost, what happened?"

Harry told her the vision he just had.

"Harry, you need to close your mind against him! Just because Snape isn't around anymore to help you with Occlumency, doesn't mean you get to stop. You can't let this connection between you and Voldemort form again, it's too dangerous!"

"I know," was all Harry said, still having too much of a headache to argue with Hermione. He rubbed at his scar again, thinking perhaps he should ask Mrs. Weasley for some Pepper-up Potion as he then followed Hermione back inside the Burrow.

Harry slept in Percy's room. He hadn't wanted to. He wanted to sleep in Ron's room but Mrs. Weasley insisted on it as soon as she saw how pale he looked when he asked her for the Pepper-up Potion.

"I just want you to get some rest tonight, dear, you can join Ron tomorrow night if you're feeling better."

Harry agreed, allowing Mrs. Weasley to coddle him, seeing how it made her feel a bit better to be needed by him. It was the least Harry could do after what happened to George.

Harry tried his best to stay up as long as he could, even though he promised Mrs. Weasley that he'll go straight to sleep. She came in once not long after he had settled into bed to check on him. He had closed his eyes and pretended he was asleep until she left. Harry was waiting for Remus to return, wondering if they had found Mad-Eye yet. The guilt of the Auror's death was still heavy on his mind. And tonight was only the beginning, more things like this were of course going to happen, and Harry didn't want anyone from the Order or any of the Weasleys and his friends sacrificing their lives anymore for him. He had to talk to Hermione and Ron as soon as possible and start preparing to leave. As much as he promised to stay, it wasn't going to be a long one.

Harry's thoughts then led to his wand. He picked it up from the nightstand, it looked the same as it always had. He gripped it tightly in his hand. During the battle, Harry left this part out when he was retelling his story to everyone, his wand acted funny and he wondered why. He wondered if Severus would have known anything about wands acting on their own accord, then he forced the thought of Severus out of his mind. Harry had to stop thinking about him and what he would have done tonight, how he would have reacted… But back to his wand…it moved itself towards Voldemort and shot its own spell creating Priori Incantatem again. According to what Harry saw in his vision, that wasn't his own wand Voldemort was using. It had been Malfoy's, so Priori Incantatem should not have happened. That was why Voldemort was so angry, Harry realized as he replayed the vision over and over again in his head of Ollivander being questioned and tortured by Voldemort.

Then unable to think about it anymore, unable to see Olivander broken and bloodied and afraid, unable to hear Voldemort's voice in his head, the fear it caused in Harry… And Severus… Severus still lingering on the edge of his mind… Harry couldn't bear it all anymore… He pulled out the paper clip he had stuffed in his pocket before leaving Privet Drive, a bit surprised that it was still there and hadn't fallen out during the battle in the night sky.

And wanting to feel that pain that was hurting him so deeply inside, pain that was trapped and needed release, Harry had no hesitation this time. He was desperate. He scraped the pointed part of the paper clip against the mottled skin on his left arm until he bled, until Harry's thoughts turned into a slow murmur, until they became nothing but drops of his blood, until he began to feel heavy and dull, and Severus no longer lingered… And before Harry knew it, he was drifting off to sleep.

---

Remus appeared right at the border of the Weasley's wards. He stepped through them, feeling the warm buzz of them accepting him through. He could just see the Burrow in the distance, the lights still on, a small yellow glow in the middle of dark fields. They were most likely waiting for him to return, but Remus couldn't relieve them of their waiting just yet. His entire body was shaking hard, aggravating the untended wound in his side. Pressing a hand to it, he felt the tacky drying blood coating his fingers. He was wiping it off with his robe when hot tears started running down his face with no warning at all, causing his throat to ache furiously from the sob he was suddenly holding inside.

Remus didn't know what to do, anger was rising over him fast and so fierce, washing over not only his entire body but also blocking out his senses. He couldn't see. There was a ringing in his ear. He couldn't think. Remus stepped back, blindly feeling for the trunk of a tree behind him, and when he found it he slid down against it to the leaf-covered floor, pressing the palms of his hands tightly against his mouth and suddenly he screamed into them.

Remus screamed and he screamed, guttural screams with angry tears running down into his hands, streaming around his fingers and falling to the floor. They landed on the crushed leaves around him. Remus really thought he could see him again and he would be alright. He knew there was a really big chance of seeing Severus tonight during the mission, he knew, but he forced himself not to think about it, to just focus on the mission, focus on keeping Harry safe. That was way more important than anything.

But seeing Severus there on the opposite side, seeing him lead the Death Eaters into ambushing the Order of the Phoenix, seeing him as the enemy, dueling with him as the enemy… Seeing him try to go after Harry… And how he chased Remus, allowing the Death Eaters to knock him off his broom, watching Remus fall to his death…

And Harry's question burned in Remus' memory… He let you fall? Yes, yes, he did let me fall… More hot angry tears streamed down his face along with another sob behind his hands. Remus squeezed his eyes tight, bearing the pain of it all coming out.

In that alleyway, the way Severus had spoken to Remus.

Who was that? Who was that?

Had that really been the real Severus he'd been hiding from everyone? From Remus and Harry all along? Is that the Severus Snape Remus really kissed? Had held? Had laughed with? Had shared so many morning coffees with? Had shared his bed with? Had talked to him, opened up all of his past scars to, told him things that Remus would never feel comfortable enough to tell anyone else not even Harry… And Harry, was that the very person Remus had tried to co-parent Harry with? The very man Harry began to see as his dad?

Who the fuck was that tonight?!

And after everything!

After everything, Severus dared to say Remus' name like that, sounding as if he'd never done any of that horrible stuff. As if Severus had never ripped Remus to pieces and stomped on them for good measure! He whispered Remus' name as if they were just hanging out in one of their quarters with the room filled with the scent of freshly brewed coffee and the scents of fresh ink and parchment as they graded stacks of student essays on the coffee table. The taste of biscuits and coffee in Severus' mouth everytime Remus would kiss him.

It all just made Remus so angry and hurt that Severus could just do that without any remorse, without a care in the world while Remus was just dying inside! As if Severus could just turn off his feelings for Remus whenever he needed to!

And what about Harry?

What about their kid?

Didn't Severus feel anything when he saw Harry fighting for his life tonight? Or did he just turn off everything between him and Harry as well? Could Severus really be just that cruel? That soulless and heartless and evil?!

And hearing his name spoken like that, Remus knew he had to get himself away from Severus, far away. He couldn't be anywhere near that stranger who wore his boyfriend's face, who froze the warmth and love that Remus had once seen in those dark eyes.

What was Severus playing at? Did he think this was entertaining? A sick game to see how badly he could hurt Remus? Was this all some sort of bet to make Remus fall in love with him and then shatter him beyond repair, to rub it in his face just to see how far he could go until Remus would be utterly destroyed? Why couldn't he just stop? Why was Severus doing this? Was all of this payback for the way Remus' friends bullied Severus when they were kids? For Sirius almost getting Severus killed on a night of a full-moon during their sixth year? For James humiliating Severus in front of everyone during the end of their fifth year? For Lily choosing James over Severus after their friendship fell apart? For Remus always hiding behind his friends and never stopping them, never sticking up for Severus? According to Severus, Remus had been one of the worst bullies among them for always doing nothing.

But they had talked about all of it. They had talked about it! And Severus had even admitted that he wasn't all that innocent back then…

More tears ran down Remus' face. Another bout of anger ripped through him again. None of it mattered anymore. It was all in the past and Remus had been sorry for it and he regretted it. And if he could go back in time and change things, he would. What else did Severus want from him? Why was Remus still getting punished for his and his friends' crimes against Severus? Why couldn't Severus just let his grudges go instead of allowing them to sit and fester into poison and hatred and spite inside of him? Remus never saw this sort of darkness in Severus when they had been together. Why didn't he see it?

Remus could still feel Severus standing so close to him. He could still see those dark eyes avoiding Remus' gaze, unable to look at him…

Why was that? Remus wondered.

Why didn't Severus have the courage to look Remus in the eye after everything he'd done? The malicious curl to his lips as he taunted Remus to attack him. Remus had tried to look for his Severus in that stranger standing before him, tried to see if by some miracle this was all just a performance and his Severus was still hidden underneath that Death Eater act, but Remus couldn't find him. He couldn't find his boyfriend in those cold, cruel eyes that wouldn't look at him, and Remus began to lose hope that his Severus had never been real in the first place. That the Severus Remus had fallen in love with had been the performance, the mask Severus Snape wore all along. That was what he feared most. It wasn't the first time Remus thought of it, then doubted it, then thought of it again. It was a vicious cycle that his thoughts and his heart were stuck in, always leaving him feeling so dirty and used and stupid for hoping.

Remus pressed his hands tighter against his mouth and let out another painful cry, whimpering from the wound in his side being aggravated again from his shaking body and the severe strain of his vocal cords from screaming. He ignored the pain as best as he could, because the pain inside was so much worse, so much worse that he didn't know how to deal with it, didn't know how to make it go away and all he could do was just let it flow out of him until he couldn't utter a single sound anymore. And along with the terrible pain, came the self-loathing and feeling so utterly pathetic. He wasn't supposed to cry over Severus like this anymore. Remus promised himself he wouldn't, but it still kept happening, and that made him angrier for allowing himself to fall apart like this for a Death Eater… Remus didn't think he could take this hell anymore…didn't think he could take another encounter with Severus like that again. Remus was suddenly determined to make sure they didn't have another encounter like that again in the future.

In the distance the door of the Burrow opened, and Remus could see a small figure looking out at the edges of the wards. It had to be Molly or Arthur, they must've felt Remus step through and were most likely wondering why he hadn't arrived at their door yet. He couldn't let them find him here like this so Remus wiped away his tears then forced himself to stand back up, dusting off the dirt from his robes which were bloody and torn and still full of Severus' scent. Remus angrily shouldered them off, bunching them into a ball and throwing them to the floor. He raised his wand to them, banishing them away forever out of sight.

.

.

Moments later Remus stepped inside the Burrow to find Molly, Arthur, Tonks and Bill, and Kingsley who had returned, in the kitchen. Hagrid and Fleur had gone, and all the kids were all most likely in bed.

Molly was the first one to see Remus. "Remus, there you are! Good gracious, we were starting to worry. Was there any sign of Moody? You sent Arthur back without you."

"Lupin," Kingsley frowned. "You know the rules, when you're on a mission you stick with your partner."

Remus shook his head, "I'm sorry, I know," he told Kingsley, then added, "I didn't find him."

He felt like a failure, seeing everyone deflate from the news. Remus' eyes then landed on Tonks who was sitting at the table with a cup of tea in her hands. Her face was so pale and tear-streaked. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot from crying. Remus felt his heart break for her. He went to Tonks, kneeling before her. "Dora… Oh, Dora, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't find him."

At Remus' words, more tears trailed down Tonks' cheeks, tracing the path of the previous ones that had fallen. For once Tonks' hair wasn't a vibrant color, it was mousy-brown. Tonks once told Remus how she hated it because it was so dull, it didn't match who she was at all. Her eyes were brown and soft, so much like Andromeda's eyes, like her mother's. A softer, gentler version compared to Bellatrix's. Remus wondered if their growing baby in Tonk's belly would have those eyes. He hoped for it. They were beautiful. Remus pulled Tonks into a hug as she suddenly began to sob. Being there for his grieving friend, holding Tonks, it helped Remus to forget about his own troubles for once. It was nice, but he hated the cost of his momentary peace.

Everyone in the kitchen was silent as they watched Remus comfort Tonks, her grief-filled cries was the only sound that filled the Burrow.

After a few minutes, Kingsley was the first to speak. "Bill, come with me. We'll do another search for Alastor."

Bill nodded, stepping towards the door. "Of course."

"Do be careful out there, please," Molly insisted with a worried frown.

Bill hugged his mom to reassure her. Remus couldn't blame her for worrying, she almost lost one of her sons tonight. With Percy still acting estranged and Charlie still absent due to trailing after Greyback and Rowan; they hadn't seen him in so long besides Bill. Remus couldn't blame Molly at all.

"Is there anything I can do?" Remus asked with a broken-hearted Tonks in his arms. He wanted to be useful, he needed to do something.

Kingsley shook his head, his voice sounding exhausted and defeated. "There's not much we can do, Remus." Then he said to everyone in the room, "Despite our loss, the mission was still successful, we got Potter here safely. Let's focus on that, yeah? There'll be a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss everything… Remus, there is actually one thing you can do. After the meeting, you can go to Charlie and update him on everything, check to see if he's doing okay and if he needs anything. Arthur, if you want you can go with him. That way you can update Molly on how he's faring." Kingsley's eyes then went back to Remus, catching the wound on his side. "Take care of that," he only said.

Molly turned to Remus to see what Kingsley meant then gasped, "Remus!" She then summoned the first-aid kit.

After Kingsley and Bill left, and Remus' wound was finally patched up and Molly was done scolding him for neglecting it, she made a second round of tea for everyone. They mostly sat in silence, sipping their drinks, occasionally going over the events of the mission. Occasionally bringing up Moody, his loss, the way he went down fighting. It was how he would want to go, they all knew that. It was a death fit for a warrior.

Tonks finally stopped sobbing enough to pull away from Remus and drink a bit of her tea. Remus reached out and wiped the last of her tears away from her cheek. Her brown eyes were no longer her natural brown, but a deep blue.

"I'm sorry for crying all over you, Remus, I was trying to stop but when I saw you come in…" More tears fell and Remus didn't say anything, he just wiped them away again and kissed her temple. Her hair tickled his nose a bit and Remus wished Tonks could change the color. She was right, this mousy-brown didn't match her personality at all. Remus wanted her color back. He couldn't bear to watch his best friend dim out like this.

"It's okay to have a good cry, Tonks, don't you apologize. He was your mentor, a great loss to you," Molly consoled, reaching out and patting Tonks' shoulder.

Remus wished he had something comforting to say to Tonks as well, but he couldn't think of anything.

"After the meeting I can take Fred and search again if Bill and Kingsley still hadn't found anything by now. Alastor deserves a proper burial. Remus, I trust that you'll be okay finding Charlie tomorrow on your own?" Arthur asked.

Remus nodded, "I'll give him your best."

"I'll go with you, Remus," Tonks said. "I don't want Kingsley chewing you out again for doing a mission alone."

"You don't have to…" Remus started to say. "You should rest."

"I'm okay, I want to see how Charlie's doing and it'll take my mind off things."

Remus didn't have any argument for that so he just nodded his agreement. "I'll give Charlie your best," he said to the Weasleys.

"Thank you, Remus, really," Arthur said with worry for his second oldest son.

"Charlie's been following the werewolves for so long, I worry about him being out there alone," Molly added.

Bill and Tonks were supposed to be rotating with Charlie, but because of the mission of getting Harry out of Privet Drive, after their loss tonight, who knows how long Charlie would be relieved from his watch. Maybe it was time for Remus to take over. Tonks was starting to show and he didn't want her so near the werewolves now and Bill was getting married, it wouldn't be fair to him and Fleur to disappear on a mission so soon after their wedding. It was just one thing that prevented Remus from suggesting that he take over, Harry. He couldn't leave Harry just yet.

"We'll keep searching for Alastor, Tonks, we owe him that much," Arthur continued.

Tonks could only nod to Arthur, too choked up to speak anymore.

"Dear, why don't you sleep out on our sofa?" Molly offered. "I'm sorry all the beds and rooms are taken at the moment, but I'm just worried about you being alone tonight."

Tonks only nodded her agreement, drinking more of her tea.

Arthur stood up from his chair and placed his empty teacup in the sink. "I'll make up the sofa. Remus, come help me?"

Remus nodded, then looked to Tonks. "I'll be back," was all he said, placing another kiss on her forehead this time.

Arthur was pulling out some extra blankets from a cabinet when Remus followed him into the living room.

"You can spend the night here as well, Remus, we gave Harry Percy's room. You can bunk with him if you don't want to sleep on the floor in here."

Remus laid some pillows over the sheets for Tonks, then moved the coffee table with a flick of his wand to make up a bed for himself on the rug.

"I'll sleep out here. I don't want to intrude on his privacy. Harry may not want to see me. He found out about me and Tonks before I could even talk to him about it myself…and I sort of left him on a bad note between us tonight."

Arthur casted a Cushioning Charm on the rug then added some blankets.

Remus threw some pillows down.

"Don't let that fester between you, Remus, fix it now before it's too late to do so. Trust me when I say that life is already short enough without this war threatening us to make it shorter. Look at what happened to Alastor tonight. He was here with us just a few hours ago, and now…" Arthur sighed out with grief.

Remus just stood there and listened, a pillow in his hand.

"Percy was here with us, and then suddenly he was leaving and we couldn't stop him. Molly was just so heartbroken. Not speaking to one of her children, she doesn't show it but it kills her everyday and who knows if we may even get tomorrow or even next week to fix things with him. Alastor doesn't even get that anymore… George was so close to the same faith as him and you too, Remus, you almost died tonight, but you didn't and you finally have Harry back. Don't let any misunderstandings tear you apart. Don't wait until one of you doesn't have a tomorrow or a next week to try and fix things… Don't take time for granted, not right now with this war. Your son is more important than that."

Remus knew everything that Arthur had just said to him was completely right.

He almost died tonight. He almost died and what if he had? What if he had fallen to the ground before he and Harry could ever fix things? Then Harry would be stuck living with the guilt for being upset with him at the time. Remus couldn't bear that faith for Harry.

Arthur was right.

One night Remus had fallen asleep in Severus' arms, then he woke up… Remus woke up and everything between him and Severus...everything he thought he knew of Severus…it was gone. It was a lie and Severus was… He was no longer holding Remus anymore… Severus no longer existed, and Remus couldn't fix it nor bring him back… That couldn't happen to him and Harry. Arthur was right, Remus couldn't allow any more days wasted in argument, not with the war. Who knew how many days they had left before the war tore them apart, because Remus hadn't forgotten about the mission Dumbledore had left for Harry.

Remus wondered about it, he wondered when Harry would try to leave for it, if he would take his friends with him or try going alone. Worry settled heavily within Remus. He decided at that moment to take Arthur's advice. No matter how angry Harry was with him right now about Tonks and everything else that happened tonight, they were going to talk about it as soon as possible even if it exploded into a huge argument. Then Remus was going to argue with his cub until it ended, until they were okay again.

"Remus?" Arthur said, bringing Remus back to his thoughts.

Remus looked at him, pillow still in his hands. He set it down on the made-up bed on the floor.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about what you were saying, you're right, I'll talk to him as soon as I can."

Arthur nodded, "I hope so, that was my best advice for you."

Remus smiled softly, but the worry on Arthur's face only grew.

"What is it?"

"Don't wait too long, I think Harry is planning on leaving. Molly suspects that Dumbledore left him a task. She heard Ron and Hermione talking about it, I would think they are going with Harry whether he likes it or not… She's told you about it, yeah?"

"Molly did and she's right, there is a mission. I've asked Harry myself about it and he confirmed it, but he wouldn't tell me anything else. What do you suppose it could be? And should we let them leave? Molly thinks we shouldn't. I almost agree with her, but the last thing Dumbledore told me and Kingsley…" Remus remembered that night. It was after one of those missions in the spring when the Order were looking for Greyback and Rowan. Remus had just returned from a long weekend searching for the werewolves, paired up with Kingsley. They had been standing in Dumbledore's office, giving him their report of pretty much nothing. Remus had been in desperate need of a shower and to find Severus and just kiss him senseless. Then Dumbledore had told him and Kingsley… Trust Harry… He is the only hope we have left… That had stayed in Remus' head for days after…

"To trust Harry… It's just as well that we follow that advice, there may be no stopping them anyway… Remus, Molly told me that after we left to search for Alastor, Harry tried leaving, then he went outside for a while, I'm guessing to be alone, then he came back in looking pale and sick. He might have had a vision or some sort from his scar but he wouldn't talk to her, just asked for Pepper-up Potion and Molly sent him to sleep in Percy's room."

Remus wasn't at all surprised to hear that Harry tried to leave, but he worried about a possible vision and the fact that he wasn't there. He wondered what it was that Harry might've seen tonight. Was it Voldemort's anger over the failed mission? Was Harry able to see Severus through Voldemort's eyes or even what they were doing with Moody's body? Remus shuddered at the thought.

He hated that Harry was linked to Voldemort like that, and a possible vision tonight, it meant he wasn't closing his mind off anymore before bed, and he didn't have Severus anymore to practice Occlumency… Another thing to talk about along with Dumbledore's mission for Harry. Remus was determined for answers, anything would do or he could at least make sure Harry didn't try to do it on his own. Remus wanted that idea out of his head, that the prophecy meant only Harry alone could defeat Voldemort. Remus remembered how much Severus had hated that, and all of the times he argued with Dumbledore and even Harry himself over it. How Severus had tried to protect Harry from the details of the war as much as he possibly could without coddling him. Remus wondered if any of that had been true, that protective instinct Severus had once shown for Harry, had that been true? And if not, then why even bother going through the trouble of faking it?

Remus looked at Arthur again, noticing how tired the red-headed wizard looked. He knew he was telling all this to Remus only out of concern, only out of his own experience of losing a son to the war and nearly losing another tonight. He knew Arthur and Molly saw Harry as one of their own as well and they worried.

"Percy's going to come back home. He's young, he'll see soon enough that family is more important than any job," Remus said, hoping his words might help a bit. "And George is going to be fine, he's safe in his bed now."

"And thank you, Remus, no words can express mine and Molly's gratitude towards you for saving George. If it weren't for you, things would be very different in this house right now."

Remus felt his face warm a bit at the complement. "Don't thank me for that," he insisted. "I know you would've done the same for Harry."

Arthur smiled at that, "Without a moment's thought about it I would've done the same." He patted Remus' shoulder with affection. "Go clean yourself up and check on Harry. Don't worry about Tonks, Molly and I will take care of her."

Remus muttered his appreciation then quietly went up the stairs to the second landing where the restroom and Percy's room was located.

He went inside the restroom first. Remus hated his reflection, he looked so pale and tired and older from everything that happened tonight. His eyes were still flecked with gold even though the wolf inside him had finally quieted down. When Severus had stood so unbearably close to Remus, it had been howling and growling the whole time, wanting control so desperately. It took everything in Remus to remain in control. He especially did not want Severus to see him struggle to keep his humanity. It was peculiar, Remus could feel it as if it were his own feelings, the wolf wanted control, but not to attack or to kill Severus, it was curious. The wolf wanted out so it could play and run and smell all of the scents that tickled its nose. It liked Severus. It never really acted that way before, even when Severus and Remus were together. And Remus simply had no ideas or theories as to why his wolf's sudden strange behavior.

If only there was some type of manual for being a werewolf. Remus would think after being a werewolf his whole life, he would've gotten this down by now. He examined his teeth, noting with relief that the fangs had gone away. At least they were back to normal, Remus didn't think he could bear finding out that the whole time he was speaking to the Weasleys and Tonks that his fangs were still showing. Remus felt his face reddened at the thought of them being out when he was confronting Severus, after all this time, he was still embarrassed to show him the wolfish parts of himself even after Severus' true loyalties were revealed.

Remus began to take off his vest and tie, his shoes and socks, and took out his shrunken rucksack from his pocket, resizing it so he could rummage through it until he found pajamas to change into and his toothbrush.

Remus was nervous to see Harry. He realized it once he was done changing and started stalling by taking his time brushing his teeth, washing up his face and his hands and using the toilet. Then he packed away his things again and stored his rucksack in a cupboard for safe-keeping.

And staring at his reflection again, he looked a little better in his old muggle band t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. Remus took a deep breath and stopped prolonging himself from checking in on Harry. He had to, he was concerned with what Arthur had told him about Harry wanting to leave and his possible vision. And Remus couldn't let the animosity between them grow any bigger. He and Harry weren't guaranteed a future just now because of this war threatening their lives. They lost Severus already, an important member of their little family unit. They didn't even get a goodbye, just an ugly shock to the core that threatened to tear Remus and Harry apart. They couldn't lose each other like that. Remus had to fix this, it was his job, he was the parent in this.

Time to grow up… Time to be brave…Harry needs me to be a parent… Remus told himself.

And with his mantra in his head, Remus went to Harry's room.

.

.

Remus slowly opened the door and relief suddenly washed over him again to see the evidence of his cub being safe and here at the Burrow, asleep in bed and finally out of Privet Drive for good.

The light in the hallway illuminated the shape of Harry under the covers. Remus couldn't bear to wake him as much as he wanted to talk to him, it was such a long night. He closed the door behind him, stepping inside the room and settling himself on the armchair by an overflowing bookcase, not meaning to stay for very long but as he looked through one of the boringest books he could find in Percy's collection with his wandlight, Remus' eyes started to grow heavier and heavier and the chair suddenly began to feel very comfortable. He guessed all the adrenaline went out of his body as soon as he sat down, and the last thought he had before closing the book on his lap, his wand light going out and falling asleep, was how could Severus have given this up? How could he have pretended to love that sleeping boy then betray him and destroy his trust in the worst possible way? Hurting Remus was one thing, but hurting their kid like that? Remus could never forgive him for it.

Remus' sleep soon became uncomfortable on the chair. He felt like he only closed his eyes for a moment until he was woken up again. Once his blurry sleep-filled vision cleared up, Remus was able to make out the shape of his son sitting up on the bed with his glasses on. It was Harry that must've woken him up, Remus realized as he sat up and stretched, feeling his wound pull a bit underneath its bandage. Since it was caused by a dark curse, it was going to take a while to heal.

"Hi, cub, I just came in to check in on you… I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's okay," was all Harry said.

Remus felt the horrible beginning of silence start to settle between them but he stubbornly pushed it away as he flicked his wand to the lantern on the desk, lighting up the room a bit. "Look, Harry, I'm sorry for tonight… For being rough with you and scaring you, and not siding with you during your argument with Bill and Fleur. I actually admire the strength of your trust towards your friends and the Order, I didn't mean to make it as if it were a bad thing."

Harry looked down, running a hand through his hair, his voice ridden with anxiety. "Don't… You were just being careful, you were just making sure I was me… You're right… I have to be more careful…"

"I was being careful but I still scared you. I know I triggered you… Cub, I'm so sorry for that," Remus said, remembering the fear and shock in Harry's eyes, the way he shook after. Harry had seen his uncle in Remus, and Remus not only hated that, but it killed him inside.

"Yeah, but I'm okay now… And I should apologize to you too, Remus… I should trust you, I shouldn't have gotten scared like that, but I can't trust as much as I should anymore, as much as I want to… I don't know why it's so hard…and I was there or I was on my way there to that level of trust with you…but Sev…Snape…he destroyed everything!"

Remus frowned as he heard the hitch of breath in Harry's voice, the way it cracked with so much hurt. He got up off the armchair and settled himself on the bed beside Harry, observing him with concern, wondering if he was about to fall into a panic attack.

Harry slowly looked up at Remus.

"I need to see your arm, cub, I'm sorry. Arthur told me you had cut yourself up and I know tonight was also very triggering for you."

Harry pulled his gaze away from Remus, shaking his head. He protectively pressed his left arm close to his chest. "No."

"Harry," Remus said sternly. "I'm not going to tell you off or make you feel bad for cutting. I just need to see if they need any attention, I don't want them to get infected."

Harry huffed and sighed out with annoyance, but he held out his arm anyway.

Remus didn't scold him for his attitude, only gave him another concerned look as he took Harry's arm in his hands and gently pulled his sleeve up, revealing the muggle bandages. Remus peeled them off one by one, revealing long, thin, deep cuts. Besides those older ones covered by the bandages were newer, fresher cuts that were still drying up, as if Harry had just done them before he'd fallen asleep.

Merlin's fucking beard! Remus inwardly cursed. He kept his reaction from showing on his face, yet his voice still shook a bit when he said, "Give me the tool you used, please."

Harry reached into his pocket, handing him a bloodstained paperclip. He didn't look at Remus at all, but Remus knew his facial expression was full of surliness and his eyes filled with shame. The paperclip glinted in Remus' hand, reminding him of that nail Harry once used to tear his arm up. Severus had told him about it and had shown it to him. The horror Remus had felt that day returned, and before he could stop himself, his voice filled with it, "Harry, you can get a serious infection from this!"

Harry didn't respond, closing himself up from behind his wall and shutting down.

Remus imagined the wall, imagined each and every brick that he and Severus had taken down, each crack that had fractured the wall… He could see it repairing itself. He could mournfully see each and every single piece of it fitting itself all back together, even the tiniest pieces of brick, even the dust. Remus imagined himself trying to stop it, to keep it all from going back to the state it was, but the wall was stubborn and stronger then it ever was before.

Remus pointed his wand to each cut, cleaning them and healing them, but they left scars. Only because Remus was so physically tired from the battle and mentally exhausted from his confrontation with Severus and seeing the wounds Harry did to himself, along with everything else that had gone wrong tonight. His magic wasn't strong enough.

"I'm sorry, cub, normally I could do better than this," Remus apologized as he watched Harry examine the new scars etched into his skin.

"It doesn't matter," was all Harry said.

"Harry, I want you to look at me."

Harry kept his focus on his new scars. Remus continued anyway, "You admitted that you were scared when I was checking your identity… You do know I wasn't going to hit you."

Harry didn't answer. Remus pushed the topic further, seeing the way Harry fidgeted from his discomfort.

"In that moment you thought I was… What were you seeing when you looked at me?"

Remus was met by more silence. "Harry," he pleaded.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"No, no don't push me away like that."

Remus wanted to make Harry look at him, to actually talk to him, but he kept his hands to himself. Sometimes when Harry was like this, touching was a trigger, and with Harry already closing up, Remus didn't want to make it worse.

"I can't have you angry at me, I can't have us fighting. Not with this war. We can't lose each other again, talk to me, Harry."

Harry only continued to fidget, then started to examine his new scars, not saying anything. Remus waited, giving him time, giving him space to think. And then finally, finally Harry took a deep breath and pulled his sleeve back down.

"I'm not angry with you."

"Yes, yes you are."

"I'm not!"

"Harry, I would never hurt you like that and I'm not trying to hurt you by replacing you with Tonks and the baby."

"Okay, got it! What a relief!"

"Harry," Remus sighed out with exasperation as he watched his son turn away from him, laying back down into the bed and throwing the covers over himself, his back to Remus.

"Tonks and I aren't married."

At that, Harry turned back around. "You're not?"

"It was just a rumor, a rumor Tonks confirmed to be true even though it wasn't. She did it because she didn't want to look bad to Moody. I just accidently got her pregnant and that is all. That is all that's happening between us, we aren't even together…"

"Do you love her?"

"I do…but not in the same way I loved Severus and Sirius. I love Tonks only as a best friend."

"Then why did you sleep with her?" Harry's voice was confrontational, his cheeks reddening a bit.

Remus stuttered out his answer, not even sure what he should say to answer Harry's question. "I… I don't know... I was lost, Harry… I just… I was trying to find…" He suddenly couldn't say Severus' name… "It just ended up being all just a big mistake."

Harry only gave him a searching look, so Remus continued, "I'm still so sorry for hurting you this way… Believe me, cub, I didn't do it with any intention of replacing you."

"No, you were just trying to replace Severus," Harry said, his voice so low and soft as if he knew saying them would hurt Remus, but he said them anyway and with that horrible truth he'd spoken, he sat back up, listening to Remus again yet he wouldn't directly look at him.

"I… I think I was, but it didn't work," Remus choked out, feeling his chest tightening.

"You saw him," Harry said. "During the battle you dueled with him… I didn't see him, it all happened so fast. I don't think I even saw you after the Death Eaters attacked us."

"I did, and I'm glad it was me and not you," Remus' voice cracked, his heart just hurting and aching and beating still. It was hard to talk about Severus to Harry, maybe because they were both dealing with the same pain of betrayal and loss, maybe it was because they didn't really need to talk about it, they just both felt the empty space Severus left between them. "And when I was searching for Moody's body, I saw him again."

Harry's eyes widened with shock at the news. It was hard to continue. Remus just wanted to lock it all up inside and never have to speak about it again, never have to think about it again, but still, he told Harry everything.

"I left him… I couldn't do what I should've done, I should've attacked him or I don't know…send word to Kingsley… I just kept thinking this is Severus, cub, it's Severus… I couldn't… Maybe it was all a mistake, maybe everything wasn't what we thought we saw that night. But then he spoke to me, the way he looked at me… Then it wasn't Severus, at least not the one that we loved. It was a stranger looking back at me in Severus' eyes and it was a stranger speaking to me using Severus' voice. It wasn't Severus, but the Death Eater he might have always been… I just don't know if that was the real him he'd been hiding all along and it's driving me mad… I thought that maybe it was possible that he could still be undercover…for a moment I thought there was hope in finding him inside that stranger's eyes… But after that encounter, after seeing the way he fought for the other side, after he let me fall, almost killing George with that horrible spell of his', the way he ganged up on Moody with Malfoy… I left, I couldn't do what I was supposed to do."

"Remus, he killed Dumbledore. I saw it happen. He killed Dumbledore and then he attacked me, and he said the most horrible things about both of us. We've talked about the possibility of him being undercover before and we both agreed that what Snape did that night was real," Harry said as he listened to Remus speak, his green eyes glistening in the shadowy room of the lantern Remus had put on. "Why the sudden change?"

And Remus told Harry everything else. How the Order came across the plan of the Seven Potters, how it had been confunded into Mundungus. Remus told Harry about his mission to the pub and about his conversation with the bartender, and how Remus had figured out the culprit for confunding Mundungus had been Severus.

Harry was shocked. He asked Remus all of the same questions that Remus had been mulling over for days and days. "Why did he give us that plan, especially after Snape made his loyalty clear to us? He's done so many horrible things to us. It doesn't make sense… Unless, unless he could still be undercover despite everything he's done… Or maybe he's loyal to Voldemort but a part of him may still care about us? Maybe not everything was a lie."

"I don't know, Harry, believe me I don't know. I've been going over those same questions for days, and like I've said, before tonight's battle I wondered if we were wrong to quickly believe what we saw, for a moment I thought that maybe, just maybe Severus could still be underneath that Death Eater facade, that it could just be that mask he always wore, always hiding his true self, his emotions… And yes, he killed Dumbledore… I hoped because it was just as you said, why give us a plan that works in our favor? But after tonight, after the battle, after everything that happened tonight, I see now I was a fool for hoping…"

"He used Sectumsempra," Harry said. "He was so mad at me for using it on Draco, we didn't talk for days."

"And he used it tonight. Why is he still using it if he was so ashamed of it? Why is he using it unless what he felt about the spell had just been a lie to us? Maybe we were close to seeing the Death Eater he hid from us and he just covered it all up, telling us what we expected to hear from him… I just don't know what to think, Harry, and after running into him tonight alone, the way he acted, I just feel like I'm farther and farther away from the truth… The way he spoke to me tonight, looked at me, I don't think he is undercover anymore."

Harry continued to fidget with the hem of his sleeve, listening to Remus with a thoughtful look on his face as if he were desperately trying to figure out Severus' motives right that second and give his answer to Remus. He was momentarily distracted from the argument they were having before, from closing up from Remus behind his wall, from having to show Remus his cuts. Severus always said that distraction was the best way for Harry, Remus remembered. But why figure that out if he was lying the whole time?

"What are you thinking about, cub?" Remus asked after the sudden silence between them grew a bit longer.

"You said Snape hasn't entered the cabin, right? And he hasn't even attempted to try to come to the Burrow or even Grimmauld Place. Are there even Death Eaters stationed outside the cabin wards?"

"As far as I know, no. I spent the last full-moon there and it was safe, no intruders, I even updated the wards. But he had time to enter the cabin without a fight, it took me a while to go back there."

"Well now he can't anymore. Ron told me his parents updated their wards to recognize Snape as an enemy, and that Mad-eye put up new wards around Grimmauld Place to keep him out."

"Hmmm…" Remus said. "The cabin and the Burrow. Those are the two likely places where we would take you to after Privet Drive. I know Severus knows that. He could've breached those locations right before we had the chance to update them, but he never did. Why make it harder for himself? Now that you're here with the updated wards casting him out, he lost his chance to prevent that. It should've been the first thing on his list…"

Remus thought some more, Harry looked at him with silent curiosity.

"The questions that are bothering me, cub, is why didn't he attack those places before we moved you? Why wait to be seen until the ambush? Why give us the Seven Potters that succeeded in getting you here? Why try to figure out which Potter was you, because he was Harry, I saw him, he went straight for you… Why, to all of it? What is his reason? What is his game? I think he's waiting, if he really is the traitor in all of this, if he really is that evil to fool us the whole entire time, I should think that he's planning an attack on the Burrow while we're all here, when our morale is low from Moody's death, when we are wondering how the date of your movement has slipped and our trust in each other is fragile. Maybe you reaching the Burrow didn't matter to him, because he knew where you would go… Does this make any sense? I think he gave us this plan to break us from the inside…"

"Well it certainly explains all of the plot holes," Harry said. "And for us suddenly fearing that there may be a traitor."

Again, they were both silent for a while, this time not a heavy one, but one where they were just lost in their own thoughts, until Harry said, "What you said, Remus, this all makes sense if Snape really is a traitor, but the doubt you had over it, even if you don't believe it anymore… If he is still undercover it could still sort of make sense, but only if we don't focus on the facts that he's killed Dumbledore and everything else… Perhaps he was just trying to give us the plan but it all just went wrong. It explains the leaked date, why the plan was favored for our side to succeed. It explains why he never tried coming to the cabin and the Burrow…"

"Yes, exactly," Remus said. "That is what I can't figure out. What side is Severus really on, is he still ours or has he always been Voldemort's?"

"And you're positive that Snape had Moody's body when you ran into him?"

"Yes, he wouldn't admit it, but I could smell the blood and the body…" Remus stopped, feeling too sick to continue. It had been the first thing he scented when he appeared in that alleyway, mixed in with Severus' scent. It had hit him like a punch to the gut, and he remembered how hard it was to keep himself composed as he sent Arthur away, which Kingsley was right, was very stupid of him to do. Remus was lucky to have escaped Severus without a fight breaking out. He didn't want to think about the possibility of Severus attacking him, aiming to kill.

"So then there is no point in searching for Mad-Eye anymore… Why would Voldemort want it?" Harry asked with disgust. "I just can't imagine Severus taking it…"

"There could be a number of disturbing reasons why," Remus only said, not wanting to voice any of them to his cub or give them any thought. He felt sick just thinking of Severus covering Moody's body up right before he and Arthur appeared.

"Snape always had his secrets," Harry pointed out. "He always talked about not being around one day and what to do just in case. I thought it was just war talk, and I knew he brought me and you back together because he would always say he wanted you to watch over me just in case something should happen. Every time he spoke that way I would question him but he would never tell me anything… Why would he talk like that if he was really on Voldemort's side the whole time, why would he pretend to care about things like that? I just don't get it, Remus, it just adds more to the question if he's still undercover or if he is really just evil. Why didn't I see that he was lying the whole time? I feel so stupid for it."

While Harry had spoken, he started fidgeting with his sleeve more than ever as if he were fighting himself to not start scratching himself in front of Remus. Remus had a feeling that was exactly what he was doing.

"Hey…" Remus reached out a hand and placed it on Harry's shoulder. Harry flinched from it, but he didn't shake off Remus' hand and he stopped his fidgeting. Remus squeezed it for comfort, trying to get Harry's attention back on him so he could see if Harry understood what he was about to tell him.

"Cub, you were right in what you just said. Severus was planning this the whole time, that was why he would talk like that, and you've seen it on his face and in his eyes and the way he would get very quiet and melancholy, the way he would avoid certain questions and topics to discuss, I know you saw it because I saw it too, but we still trusted him, we both still loved him. Don't feel stupid for being fooled. He was a good liar, too good a liar, even with all of those signs. I thought those were just secrets between him and Dumbledore, secrets that were kept to protect us from the ugly parts of the war. I fell for his lies too, and so did Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall and the Weasleys and Madam Pomfrey… The list goes on and on, Harry. Everyone was fooled, so don't you dare feel stupid over it because I do too, and I bet everyone else does as well. And what Severus did, it wasn't on you. You not seeing the Death Eater he really was, that wasn't your fault, do you understand? I don't want you blaming yourself for this, cub, believe me no one is."

Harry bowed his head at that, his bangs covering his eyes. Remus knew he was just trying to hide his sudden tears from him. He pulled his son into a hug and was thoroughly surprised that Harry accepted it, wrapping his arms around Remus so tight as if he were afraid he'll lose him if he let go. Maybe he had been afraid of losing Remus too… Remus' heart broke from that realization and he hugged his son tighter.

"I'm not going anywhere," Remus whispered.

"This isn't your fault either, papa…" Remus heard Harry say softly in return.

Remus just held Harry, feeling his body shudder against him with a few silent sobs. "It's going to be okay, within time, soon we'll have all of the answers to our questions. This war can't last forever, he can't run from us forever. I'll get answers for us if it's the last thing I'll do," Remus promised his son.

They stayed in that position until Harry's body stopped trembling, until his breathing became steady again and he began to pull away, wiping his face with his sleeve and running an embarrassed hand through his hair. His lightning bolt scar stood out against his pale skin, the flickering flames from the lantern causing it to look darker than it usually did.

"Harry, earlier I noticed you kept rubbing at your scar, has it been bothering you?"

Harry shrugged, "It's been twinging every now and then…"

"Did you have a vision tonight? Molly told me you came inside looking as if you saw a ghost and you asked her for Pepper-up Potion."

"Yeah, I did." Harry ran a hand over his scar. "The pain got really bad tonight when Voldemort was near me. My wand did something really strange, it moved on its own and connected itself with Voldemort's and Priori Incantatem happened again like in the graveyard. But in the vision that I saw tonight, that shouldn't have happened, he was using Malfoy's wand… In the vision he was torturing Olivander over it, he was really angry and asking him questions…"

"Hmm," Remus pondered over what Harry said. "Wand lore is a very complicated manner to understand, I wish I knew more of the subject… Is your scar still hurting you?"

"A bit… It just feels more like a headache now."

"I don't recall it bothering you as much during the school year."

"That's because Snape isn't around to help me Occlude anymore and close my mind off before bed…but I'm not worried. Voldemort doesn't seem to know that we are still connected, I'm safe for now."

Remus still didn't like the sound of that, he wished there was something he could do about it, but learning to Occlude and then helping Harry with it. That subject in mental magic had always been beyond his magical expertise.

"Maybe once you get back to Hogwarts…" Remus started to say.

"I'm not going back to Hogwarts," Harry said defiantly before Remus could finish his own sentence.

Remus wasn't all that surprised to hear that coming out of his cub's mouth. "And why is that?" He had a feeling this may happen because of the mission.

Harry didn't answer.

"It's because of the mission Dumbledore left you with, isn't it? I've asked you about it before, I would like some answers this time, Harry. When are you planning on leaving, and were you ever going to tell me or just disappear off the face of the earth?"

"I was going to tell you," Harry said with a scowl.

Remus raised an eyebrow at that. "Were you?" he asked.

Harry shrugged, running his hand through his hair again, brushing it away from his face and making it messier than it already was. For a moment, Remus felt like he was talking to James, remembering all of the times he would do the same thing when Lily was in the same room as them. "I was going to leave a note…"

"Harry!" Remus said with exasperation.

"I can't risk you stopping me! It's too important, and no! I'm not telling you anything about it!" Harry argued. "I can't, I promised Dumbledore."

"I think he would understand. You can trust me at least, maybe I could help you."

Harry only looked away with a scowl, crossing his arms to his chest, looking like a petulant child.

More like acting like one! Remus thought with frustration.

"Fine, don't tell me then if that's how you want it. Do you still have the portkey I gave you?"

Harry nodded.

"Good, keep it close to you always. Use it if you have to, please, cub, promise me that at least."

Still looking petulant and stubborn, Harry only nodded.

"Can we change the subject?" he then asked, laying back down again and throwing the covers over himself. His dark hair splayed out on the pillow as he yawned.

Taking that as a cue to leave, Remus was about to get up from where he was sitting on the bed.

"Stay here," Harry said, seeing him get up. "That chair looks uncomfortable."

"It actually is quite comfy," Remus protested.

"You didn't look comfy sleeping in it."

"Don't worry about me, cub, I've got an even comfier living room floor waiting for me."

"Stay," Harry only said.

"I couldn't… Don't you want your space from your dear old papa?"

"Just stay!" Harry protested with a huff of annoyance.

Remus chuckled at that, "Okay, okay, don't be so pushy now! Maybe I just didn't want to hear your snoring, ever thought of that?"

Harry only rolled his eyes with another sigh of annoyance as Remus made himself comfortable under the covers beside him.

They both laid on their backs, looking up at the ceiling.

Out of all the Weasley rooms in the house, Percy's was the most dull. The ceiling was bare, the walls were bare. Remus wondered what the third Weasley son was doing at the moment. He wondered if he was missing his family as much as they were missing him. Remus hoped that soon Percy would realize just how lucky he was to have a large family, how much he was taking this for granted. To grow up here, to have a childhood here… Remus wished that Harry would have had that.

"You left Privet Drive tonight for good, Harry," Remus pointed out, turning on his side to face him. "You don't ever have to go back there again if you don't want to. How are you feeling about that?"

Harry continued to look up at the ceiling. "You know Ron has Chudley Cannon posters tacked all over the ceiling in his room?"

"Yeah, I've seen it," Remus said with patience. "I was following Molly around the house one day during the summer as she was collecting everyone's laundry…" She'd been telling Remus about her concerns about the mission, how she was worried about Harry, Ron, and Hermione taking off to only Merlin knows where… Remus stopped, then said, "Hey, don't change the subject!"

And Harry told him, "I don't know… It was strange I guess… I thought I would be one hundred percent happy about it and would never have to think about the Dursleys again, but it's more complicated than that…"

"Of course it would be, I would not have expected it to be easy," Remus said gently as Harry turned on his side to face him. His green eyes suddenly became dark and sad.

"They raised me, they were my family no matter how much they denied it to me and that little kid in the cupboard, he's gone now. Leaving Privet Drive, it's like an end to my childhood and I'm sort of feeling that loss. But is it really a loss when I'm leaving it with nothing worth remembering but fear and being hurt by them? And at the same time I'm feeling sort of relieved, but not really…like I'm free of them, but at the same time I'm not. I'm still carrying them around and that fear and hurt they gave me, it's different…now it's just something I've felt in the past that could never happen again… Does that make any sense at all?"

"How you feel doesn't need to make sense, but I understand what you're trying to say. No matter how much we want to leave the past behind, it's still a part of ourselves, even if running from it is for the best."

Remus noticed that as Harry was speaking he began clenching his fist tightly into a ball. Remus took Harry's hand in his and opened up his fingers, massaging the crescent-shaped indents from his nails out of Harry's palm. Harry only watched him, seeming as if he were lost in his thoughts.

"What is it, cub?" Remus asked.

Harry pulled his hand away from Remus, examining the marks he made on himself.

"Right before the Dursleys left, Aunt Petunia was in the living room crying while me and Dudley were saying good-bye. He left and it just left me and her alone together. She told me good-bye and then she stopped as if she wanted to say something else, but she didn't… She left… I was just wondering what she wanted to say, and if we would ever see each other again… If she would ever want to see me… I think in her own way, she was trying to help me during the summer. She would make me sit at the table for hours until I finished my plate and she made up some dumb story of me possibly doing drugs and smoking to Uncle Vernon to help make sure I keep my door open, I think she was trying to prevent me from cutting…"

"Hmm…try not to dwell on her actions too much, even though in her own way she was trying to help you, I hated the way she did it. She still belittled you, still made you feel bad, still made you into her house-keeping servant and had you sit for hours alone at her table. I hope Petunia Dursley regrets all of that for every moment of her life, and especially for not giving you a real good-bye after everything that's happened between you and her."

"Remus, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?"

"No, it's less than what she deserves. She and her husband should be locked up for child abuse, Harry. She did more than just treat you like shit, she allowed her husband to beat you your whole entire childhood, and even though she technically never laid a hand on you, she hurt you mentally. The least she could do was give you a proper good-bye or even an explanation to why she did what she did. So am I being so harsh? I don't think so, cub, I have no sympathy at all for her and people like her who hurt children like that."

"Well, she sort of talked to me last summer about why she hates me… This summer I thought she would be a bit different towards me because of it, she was the one who contacted Dumbledore because she was worried for me, and Aunt Petunia being worried for me, that's never happened before, that was why I talked myself into going to Privet Drive for one last time. I thought she would treat me a bit better, but I was wrong, she just went back to her old cold-hearted self again. I don't even know why she bothered to make sure I ate and kept my door open, you were right, she only made me feel worse. I couldn't eat there. I guess changing into a better person and loving me as she should have was too hard for her."

I couldn't eat there… It was an opening in the conversation for Harry's unspoken eating disorder, and Remus knew he should've taken it. But he didn't. Harry yawned again after that and so Remus figured it could wait another time. Instead Remus snorted out with disbelief and said, "It may be hard for her, but it will never be hard for me. Loving you as my son has been the easiest and the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I love you too, pops," Harry said shyly and sleepily.

Remus chuckled in return and then Harry's eyes suddenly widened in the dim, shadowy room.

"Holy shit, Remus! You're going to be a dad again and to an actual baby!"

"An actual baby?" Remus repeated with a laugh. "Hey, this isn't the first baby I'll be around. Sirius and I took care of you for Lily and James loads of times."

"Yeah, but like that was sixteen years ago!"

"Fair enough, in fact I was going to reprimand you on your poor choice of words but you're right, I am indeed feeling: oh, holy shit I'm going to have a baby in the middle of this fucking war! What was I fucking thinking?!"

Harry bursted out laughing, and Remus smiled, just bloody loving that he was finally able to do that. Then Harry stopped and looked at him, "You weren't thinking, papa," he deadpanned. "But it's still happening, are you a little bit excited at least? I mean if you take away the war part for a moment."

"Yes, of course I am, I love being a father to you so much that I hope I can do it just as well with this new baby…" Remus then earnestly looked at Harry, suddenly wanting him to very much understand what he was about to say next.

Harry must've felt the serious turn of conversation, because he looked at Remus, straight in the eye and fuck, Remus felt himself tear up a bit but he didn't let himself fall apart. It was just nice to have his son look at him again, to see him again. To not have Harry avoiding him and flinching away from him and being angry and fearful.

Remus continued, "I'm not replacing you, okay."

"I know, you made that clear earlier," Harry said.

"I just want to make sure you're not feeling that way. You are not replaceable. What we have isn't something that could just be tossed away… I'm also talking about the time we spent together with Severus… Even though remembering him hurts, I can't just replace what we had with him with Tonks and the baby. Creating a new family over you, that wasn't my intention at all, like I've said, it just happened. You're always going to be my son, my family, no matter how close Tonks and I get or with a new baby on the way, you're still my first son and they can't change that."

Harry smiled at Remus. "Thanks for saying that, papa."

"It's always going to be me and you, cub."

"And I'm going to be a big brother."

"Yes, and you're going to be the best."

It was silent between them again. Harry had taken off his glasses, his eyes closed and seemed to be drifting off to sleep. Remus envied him for that, he felt wide awake, his thoughts just racing over everything they'd discussed. He spied the empty owl cage on Percy's desk, the sight of it was tragic. It was bent and the bars were burnt. Remus' heart broke for Hedwig and for Harry's loss of his pet owl.

"I'm sorry about Hedwig," Remus whispered to Harry, wondering if he was still awake.

"It's okay, papa, you don't have to…" Harry muttered out sleepily, his eyes still closed.

"I do, she was your owl."

Harry didn't say anything after that and Remus thought he must've fallen asleep.

"I tried leaving tonight…" Harry mumbled.

"I know, Molly told me and I'm very glad you didn't."

"You aren't mad about it?"

"No, we'll talk more in the morning, okay?"

"Okay…"

Remus leaned forward and kissed Harry's temple. "Goodnight, cub."

But Harry didn't answer, already falling asleep. His heavy breathing slowly turned into a quiet snoring.

Remus smiled at that, then made himself comfortable by turning over and instantly falling asleep as well.

A/N: I'm sorry this is so long, I just can't bring myself to split it into two chapters haha, I swear I didn't plan it. I hope you liked it though! And thank you for all of the reviews, follows and favorites! Next update will be by November!

Review Responses!

BlueWater5: Thank you!

Imaginer.012: Oh believe me I really do miss writing all of them being happy together, and I'm glad you liked the chapter even though it was hard to get through! And thank you for the birthday wish!

Bluemoonwrites: Thank you for the birthday wish! I am really glad you liked my last update and I hope you enjoyed this one as well! There's plenty of Harry angst in this one.