Author's Note
This is a beefy lad.
You're a beefy lad.
Okay, I know I've put on some weight recently, but it's all the dang fizzing whizbees. I'm a method writer.
Preaching to the choir, sister.
So, here's a chapter I guess. Surprise.
It's been a bit of a wait I suppose. In human years.
And in other years?
Many generations of flies have long since passed.
My dog's 104.
And yet we remain as hip and relevant as we were in 1066.
Ah, yes... when we invaded Hastings.
What a day.
Chapter Ten: The Part Where Scrimgeour Comes to Tea (and Causes an Existential Crisis)
There was a bored sort of nervousness surrounding the girls; bored because they felt like they had been waiting for the best part of three decades in Florean's living room, and nervous because… well, because they were absolutely bricking it.
Addy was sat on Florean's plush two-seater sofa, gently picking at the loose threads on one of his tasselled lemon cushions. Ella was pacing circles around her. They'd occupied the same positions since Scrimgeour rocked up twenty minutes ago (and, in doing so, clearly caused a glitch in their sim controller).
"Why have they sent an auror?" Ella asked, mid-walk, tugging on one particularly lawless spiral that sprang from the rest of her hair. "I feel like that's not a good sign. Do you think it's a good sign?"
Addy thought for a moment. "It's not necessarily a bad sign?"
"My God, Addy, with that insight, you should teach divination." Ella pressed her hands to her cheeks. "I wonder what they're talking about?"
"Us, presumably."
The taciturn auror had wasted no time with pleasantries and immediately got down to business, collecting blood samples from the two girls with a quick pincushion charm. They weren't sure what exactly he was looking for. A lack of magicalness? Hereditary spherocytosis? Their blood alcohol content? (Currently 0, but they wouldn't decline a butterbeer with a little extra something to take the edge off if offered.)
He then left them, bleeding at the thumbs, to chat with Florean alone. Although, maybe chat was too casual a word. The girls couldn't really see Scrimgeour chatting with anyone. His version of light conversation seemed better suited to an interrogation room. Regardless, the two older wizards had retreated outside for a private conversation.
Addy could see them through the window, but to her endless frustration, couldn't tell what was happening. It was pretty tricky to lipread when the damn scoundrels had their backs to her. She wondered if they'd done it on purpose.
"I think it's too late to run," Ella said. "And neither of us is fit enough to get past Scrimgeour."
"Speak for yourself," Addy protested, only half-joking, "I'm nearly there with my bat-bogey hex. Granted, they're coming out as wombats at present, but at least they'd have the element of surprise."
Ella barely heard her, too busy fretting.
"I suppose it helps that we know he's not a bad guy. Bad, bad, I mean. Death Eater bad."
"Yeah," Addy agreed. "I mean, who knows what the bloke does in his spare time, but he's definitely on the lawful good side of the compass. Old Voldy murdered him, right? Or will murder him."
"Do you think he's come to arrest us?" Ella gnawed on the fabric of her t-shirt collar, as she was prone to doing when stressed. "We've broken natural laws. Does that make us criminals?"
"I think he's just doing his duties, pal. Yeah, he's magic and a bit grumpy, but… if two random, wayward kids are found stranded in the muggle world, who comes around and asks questions?
"The police," Ella sighed.
"The police," Addy agreed. "Also, possibly a social worker, but I'm not sure how progressive child protection policies are in the wizarding world, considering some of the stuff that purebloods get away with."
"Ain't that the truth," sighed Ella.
"And it's the seventies."
"You're being far too rational. I don't like it."
"Tell me about it," Addy shuddered. "I'm feeling almost sensible. Someone get me a button-up blouse and a ringbinder; I'm gonna start filing some taxes."
Ella released the collar from her mouth but continued her nerve-fuelled laps. "Your sudden urge to pursue accountancy aside, we need to approach this situation subtly. We don't want to accidentally end up in Azkaban or something ridiculous because one of us couldn't keep our cool."
"Subtle's my middle name."
Ella shot Addy a wry look. "Let me remind you of the last lie you told… 'uh, yeah, Florean, the reason we can't do magic is because our parents don't believe in wands'".
"The best lies are hidden in the truth," Addy attested. "Our parents don't believe in wands. Or magic. Or using the instruction manual while trying to build flat-pack furniture."
"I mean, it is always nice to have a challenge." Ella reasoned, pausing briefly. "Although, perhaps not at 11:53pm, when your bed's half-built."
"Besides, that lie was to Florean," Addy continued, her eyes rapidly following her pacing friend (and making her a little dizzy in the process). "As I said at the time, he's a marshmallow. Scrimgeour's an authority figure. I love getting one over on those."
"Yes... you know, we should really address that…"
"No time," Addy remarked quickly, "that's him now."
Ella froze. "What?!"
"Sike! See, I'm great at lying…" Addy noticed a movement out of the window. Florean and Scrimgeour began to stand up from the garden furniture and started walking to the door. "Oh, no, I think they actually are coming back in. My bad."
Ella felt every nervous impulse tear at her skin. She threw herself down on the sofa next to a startled Addy. "God. I feel all sweaty. I've been next to a freezer all day - how is that possible?! Addy, how do I look? Magical? Muggle?"
"A little flushed?"
"Do we look like muggles?"
"Uh…" Addy briefly looked them both up and down, chewing on her cuticles. Did they look like muggles? She guessed so? They just looked like them. Addy's silence only fuelled Ella's anxious energy.
"Addy," Ella frantically shook Addy, who was still processing the barrage of questions. "ADDY, do I look like a MUGGLE! Answer me-"
Someone loudly cleared their throat. Ella whipped her head around, frozen. Florean and Scrimgeour stood in the doorway. The former bewildered, the latter unreadable.
A few seconds passed before Ella gulped, "-and scene."
"Yeah," Addy mumbled to her abashed friend (who was taking the opportunity to sink as far into the sofa cushions as physically possible). "We need to approach this subtly."
The girls considered that Mr Scrimgeour's method of extracting information from them was to simply unnerve them into talking. It was on the verge of working.
Florean had nipped off to make some tea and left the three alone together. Since their friend and guardian had departed, there had been a long and (at least on Ella and Addy's part) exceedingly uncomfortable silence as Mr Scrimgeour sat in the armchair opposite, openly surveying them. He was pretty brazen with his stare. They wondered what he was deducing.
Did he think that the pair were a couple of hardened criminals?
Did the way they were sat suggest they were a risk to national security?
Did the fit of their clothes reveal that they'd had ice-cream for breakfast that morning? (It was honey-oats flavoured, so basically counted as porridge.)
They didn't know. His thoughts were a dang mystery.
Seeing Scrimgeour consumed by the enormous squashy, pastel-blue armchair was almost amusing. If he were giving off any expression at all, it would surely be awkwardness amid the soft furnishings and fussy, decorative clutter that adorned Florean's living space. The cosy room was definitely not the auror's natural environment. However, the situation's seriousness and his indecipherable body language prevented either girl from actively snickering.
Finally, after far too long without a single word uttered, he spoke -
"It's good to see you alive."
- and immediately threw Ella and Addy for a loop.
"It's, er, good to see you alive too?" Addy responded, somewhat baffled but not wishing to offend the man. Chasing hardened criminals hardly gave him time to hone his social skills. Maybe this was his idea of a heartfelt greeting?
Scrimgeour carefully observed them. He seemed to be looking for the slightest hint of… the girls didn't know what. "Did you expect to see me dead?"
The auror's words were measured and entirely neutral in delivery. There was no indication of stress or emotion. He simply asked the question - as one would if they were enquiring about something completely arbitrary, like whether there were any biscuits left in the cupboard (the answer at Florean's was always yes - the man kept his biscuit tin stocked).
"No…?" Addy gave Ella a slightly panicked look, which she returned in even greater measure. This had very swiftly gone awry. "...but, y'know, living suits you. You're looking great, so… it's good to see that happening?"
Scrimgeour, surprisingly, seemed to accept her garbled response.
"I would like to ask you a few questions-"
"Anything we can do to help," Ella interrupted, hoping that her willingness to comply would make up for the rapidly increasing list of blunders they were making. "Fire away."
"-these questions will determine your personal history and the circumstances of your arrival here," Mr Scrimgeour continued as if she hadn't spoken. "However, I need to be certain that the answers you give me are the absolute truth."
"That rather relies on the implication that there is such a thing as absolute truth, sir," Ella replied ponderously before she could even help herself.
Addy immediately groaned, hunkering down in a woollen throw for what was sure to be some profound and long-winded ruminating from her ashy-haired friend. Ella had taken an online philosophy course the previous summer while Addy was away for her sister's wedding. Addy regretted ever leaving because she returned to find Ella in the midst of an ongoing existential crisis and ready to debate Nietzsche at the drop of a hat.
"That is perhaps a self-contradictory conclusion," Ella continued, regretting what she was saying even as she spoke, "using what could be perceived as an absolute truth to negate the existence of it, but surely all truth is subjective to some degree."
To give him credit, Scrimgeour's expression did not falter—props to the man for not stumbling in the face of a rambling seventeen-year-old's philosophical throw-down.
"We'll see how subjective it is with a drop of this," he held a small vial of colourless liquid (God knows where he was keeping it). "Veritaserum. Have you heard of it?"
The girls blanched. Yes, they'd heard of it.
"It's a truth potion," he verified when they didn't reply. "Very powerful."
Perhaps a little too powerful. And almost certainly a sure-fire ticket to two beds in the criminally insane ward at St Mungo's. Ella shuffled on the sofa cushion, uncomfortably.
"Mr Scrimgeour, we understand you might have some concerns, but…" she struggled to summon the words, "we can't take that!"
"And is that the absolute truth?" Scrimgeour remarked dryly.
"It's as close to it as I'm willing to concede," Ella stressed, trying to articulate her thoughts. "Veritaserum is… it's barbaric. It strips you of your free will." She looked around. "Where's Florean - did he agree to this?"
The auror raised a singular bushy brow in challenge, "You would use your will to lie to the Ministry, Miss Williams?"
"Oi," Addy retorted, "that's not what she meant, and you know it."
"Sir, giving us veritaserum is not going to help you," Ella attempted to appeal to him earnestly. "We don't know how we ended up here. We can't give answers we don't have."
"One drop each should suffice."
"Mr Scrimgeour, please!"
"You're not the most endearing fellow, you know that?" Addy jibed, crossing her arms indignantly.
"Addy!"
"What? He asked for the truth?!"
Ella thumped her with a cushion. Insulting the austere wizarding policeman dangling their freedom in front of them like a carrot probably did not enter the top five methods of handling the situation. Although… Ella could have sworn his lips twitched.
"I have been told as much," he paused, looking irritatingly composed in his fat, padded blue armchair. "Ultimately, however, veritaserum offers irrefutable proof that you are not a threat. If you have nothing to hide, you will drink."
"Tea, everyone?" Florean took that moment to enter the room with an upbeat smile, pushing a rickety copper tea tray that held his finest china. "I've made a pot of English Breakfast. Coffee for Ella."
"It's alright, Florean, we've just been offered a drop of an alternative beverage," Addy quipped dryly.
Ella barely registered their exchange, too incensed with the disagreeable auror before her.
"Of course we have things to hide!" she blustered, nearly smacking Addy in the face as she threw her hands up in vexation. "Don't you? We're human. We have thoughts, feelings and emotions that are supposed to be our own."
Florean was taken aback at Ella's heightened emotion and defaulted to Addy, concerned. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"To be honest, I'm not sure there was a good one," Addy shrugged with a 'hey, what can you do' expression.
Scrimgeour stood up, still infuriatingly expressionless himself.
"If that's the case, Miss Williams," he replied, "I am happy to escort you and Miss Edmunds to a holding cell in Azkaban where you may reflect on those thoughts and emotions until you are ready to share."
Florean almost knocked over his sugar pot. "Rufus, please. There's no need for tha' sort of thing. They're just young girls."
"Both witches are of age."
"Only just! And they're not dangerous! I know 'em."
Despite the direness of the situation, Ella and Addy couldn't help the surge of warm feeling at Florean's defence of them. He had only known the two girls a little over a month, knew for sure there were things they weren't telling him, and here he was arguing with an officer of the law on their behalf. And he gave them free ice cream every day.
Man, Florean was the best.
Scrimgeour paused, a flash of… something decorating his hard features. "You thought you knew someone else once," he said lowly. Addy threw a raised eyebrow in Ella's direction at the cryptic exchange.
Florean looked struck. Barely a moment passed before his eyes dropped to the spread he'd prepared, and he began to quietly busy himself, pouring the tea. His hands trembled ever so slightly. Ella wanted to give the man a hug. Addy wanted to kick Scrimgeour in the shins.
They did neither as the auror continued, turning to address the girls once more.
"You can opt for the potion or an unplanned stay in an Askaban prison cell until we can ascertain that you are not of risk to us. The choice is entirely yours."
His statement was met with silence. A minute passed.
Scrimgeour stepped towards them, his expression grave. "Miss Edmunds, Miss Williams, I must ask you to come with me."
"No!" Florean cried, making an aborted move towards Scrimgeour that sent the entire tea tray flying - Ella and Addy shot out of the way of a rogue milk jug.
"You do not have to say anything," Scrimgeour continued, utterly unfazed by the fine layer of sugar now adorning his robes, "but it may harm your defence-"
Ella's eyes widened with panic.
"-if you do not mention when questioned-"
"Oh, just give us the bloody truth serum," Addy threw the throw she had been fidgeting with on the floor, punctuating her demand.
"Are your names Ella Williams and Adele Edmunds?"
"Yes," Ella said tiredly, "I am Ella Williams. She's Addy Edmunds. Who else would we be - The Minister for Magic? Merlin?"
"Dibs on Merlin," Addy called.
"Fine. But that makes me Gwaine."
"Now, just hang on-"
"How old are you?"
"Older than I'd like to be," Addy replied. "I think I peaked at ten. That was a pretty good year for me."
"Yeah, you were really making strides," Ella agreed. "You had a nearly fully completed Scooby Doo Sticker Book. Trailblazer."
"Thank you! You know, I was just missing that one Fred and- "
"Please be as specific as possible," Scrimgeour interjected tonelessly.
"We're seventeen," Ella confirmed. "I'll be eighteen in October. Addy will be eighteen in March. Did you know one of your ears is larger than the other?" Ella froze, face reddening. "I'm so sorry; I don't know why I just said that."
"That'll be the Veritaserum," Scrimgeour clarified, nonplussed. "It's working, at least."
"What do you know about the Muggle-born activism group 'Sacred Insurgence?'"
"Absolutely nothing," Ella said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. Her hair grew a life of its own when she was stressed. "Doesn't ring a bell."
"Although, the name sounds like it could be a scented candle," Addy pointed out.
Ella nodded. "Notes of vanilla. And jasmine, I'm thinking."
"Ooh, you have a knack for this."
"Oddly enough, I considered becoming a candlemaker when I was younger. Used to gather petals and allsorts."
"Oh, I could see you as a chandler, Ella," Florean interjected, approvingly. "You've got an eye for unusual combinations."
"Wait, is that what it's called? A chandler? That's so fun!"
"Hm, I always saw you as more of a Phoebe," Addy shrugged.
Scrimgeour cleared his throat with some exasperation.
"I broke your limited edition MCR* album," Ella confessed.
"What?!" Addy gasped, jumping out of her seat and gesturing accusatorially. "You said it was the dog."
"I sat on it," the blonde girl squirmed. "I knew you wouldn't get mad at the puppy because he's the puppy."
"I called him a naughty boy!" Addy cried.
"I'm sorry! I gave him some cheese to make amends."
"Hush cheese! Blood cheese! Poor baby."
"Where were you on 23rd July 1976?"
Ella looked at Addy.
"That was the day we came to stay with Florean." Ella hedged, flashing Addy a panicked look.
"So you never had vertigo?" Ella asked.
"Faked it," Addy confirmed, nonchalantly. "Couldn't be arsed with DofE**. No one suspected a thing."
"I took all your notes for you!" Ella's eyes widened. "And typed your homework - for two weeks!"
"I was incredibly grateful."
"Eh, I didn't hate One Direction," Addy admitted. "I was harsh back in the day, but some of their stuff was pretty catchy."
"Me neither," Ella confessed. "And I had a bit of a soft spot for Harry."
"He seems like a good guy," Addy agreed.
"I don't mind paprika Pringles***," Ella blurted. "They taste fine."
Addy shook her head in disgust. "They are an abomination, and I will hear no more on it."
"And…" Ella began hesitantly, "I regularly put cheese on crumpets****."
"Who ARE you?"
"...and ham."
"WHAT ARE YOU?"
The slight hint of frustration beginning to show on Scrimgeour's face was something Ella and Addy were sure to consider their proudest accomplishment for the rest of their natural lives. It was with a somewhat bemused sigh that he finally asked the question he had been slowly creeping towards all along.
"Are either of you, in any way, shape or form, affiliated with the incendiary who calls himself Lord Voldemort."
The girls gasped.
Florean dropped his porcelain teacup. (Luckily for his carpets, it was empty. Although, the poor tea set was really taking a battering.) "Rufus, are you asking if the girls are… Death Eaters?"
Despite having prepared for this very eventuality, the girls still felt a ripple of horrified shock at the accusation.
"By any other name," Scrimgeour leant down and picked up Florean's cup. He placed it on the (now rather cluttered and sticky) tray and rested his gaze back on a dumbfounded Ella and Addy. "Answer the question, please."
Addy was getting impertinent at this point (unlike her usual sunny disposition, she would argue). They had answered every damn question he'd thrown at them. Not once had he touched on them being interdimensional time travellers (which was the actual issue at hand here), and he still thought that they were Voldemort's right-hand gals.
"No, we're not death-eaters, you nit," Addy scowled.
Ella dug her elbow in her friend's ribs.
"Sorry," Addy amended. "We're not death-eaters, you nit, Sir."
"That's better," Ella nodded, before turning back to Scrimgeour herself. "You know that this is ridiculous, right? Of course we're not in league with Voldemort-"
Florean shifted uncomfortably at her casual use of the name. Clearly old Voldy had already coined his You-Know-Who moniker. Fear of the name indeed.
"-for one, we're not evil. And secondly, we don't really have that kind of time to spare. We're working girls, you know-"
"Not in a sexy way," Addy added.
"-and our hands are far too full-"
"Um…"
"-to be banging-"
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Addy demanded.
"-on about blood-purity nonsense and such like." Ella finished.
Scrimgeour's intense, yellow gaze burned through them. He looked like he was making a decision. After a second, his rigid posture relaxed minutely.
"So you have no interest in joining Voldemort's league and deposing the ministry?" He lifted a singular bushy eyebrow.
"No! Do you really think we're planning to overthrow the government from Florean's ice cream parlour?" Ella scoffed incredulously.
"What I think doesn't matter."
"Come on, mate, look at us," Addy insisted, leaning back into the sofa. "We're hardly the most intimidating individuals you've ever seen. Ella's the size of a small child-"
"Hey!"
"-and I have the attention span of a river troll."
Ella coughed. "Generous."
"Neither of us has the patience to finish a jigsaw puzzle, let alone stage a military coup," Addy ran her hand through her hair irritably; piqued strands were falling from her shaggy ponytail as if to express their displeasure. "I don't even know who the Minister of Magic is right now."
"Harold Minchum, I think," Ella clarified, turning to the two men. "Is that right?"
Florean nodded, "he's a bit of a hardliner, apparently. Doesn't entertain much nonsense."
"It's what we need with such uncertainty," Scrimgeour remarked firmly. "A strong leader."
"Well," Ella explained, "we're pretty apolitical, is what I think Addy's trying to say. We don't want power, we don't care about the supposed purity of anyone's blood, and we've got no plans to venture into the cabinet anytime soon - for legal or illegal reasons."
"Although, I imagine two clueless seventeen-year-olds running the Ministry wouldn't make an iota of difference as to its effectiveness on the whole," Addy added. "Two hippogriffs could govern it." She paused. "In fact, any animal could govern it. Beavers really seem like they've got themselves sorted. It might be for the better."
"Damn good infrastructure- dam good infrastructure."
"Nice," Addy approved of Ella's terrible pun. "And you can tell that's what I actually think because I am obligated to tell the truth. Also, Mr Scrimgeour, you smell like new shoes and could probably do with a haircut."
"Duly noted," the auror responded dryly. "Well, you've convinced me that you're not Death Eaters, at least, but the circumstances of your arrival remain elusive at best."
"Like I told you, Rufus, the girls looked like they'd really been through somethin' when they turned up at my door. All bashed and bleeding, confused. Had to fix Ella up with a couple of healing spells."
"That certainly tracks with the information my department has gathered so far," Scrimgeour conceded. "It's the matter of their missing memories that most concerns me."
The girls went still. Confusion crossed their faces. Missing memories?
"What do you mean?" Ella frowned, her eyes narrowing as they flickered between Scrimgeour and Florean. "What's wrong with our memories?"
Something flashed in his eyes before the auror spoke. "Do you remember I asked you about the Muggle-born activism group 'Sacred Insurgence'?"
"The scented candle folk, yes."
"I asked you because, according to records and these blood samples, you are the two youngest - and now only known surviving - members."
Silence.
Ella and Addy turned to each other, relative jaws slack. Of everything they'd anticipated happening in this meeting, existing as part of a pretentiously named left-wing organisation hadn't even made the list.
"No, we're not," Addy denied with a scoff, folding her arms across her chest.
A line appeared between Scrimgeour's tawny brows. "Yes, you are. You said it yourself: you are Addy Edmunds and Ella Williams. And your blood is an exact match-"
"We could be using polyjuice potion," Addy argued, ignoring Ella's exasperated glance (which read something like: STOP GIVING THE MAN AMMUNITION, GODDAMMIT).
"Are you?"
"No - but we could be. If we really wanted to."
Scrimgeour shook his head. "Polyjuice doesn't intrinsically change who you are. It adapts your outward appearance and certain superficial elements - if you were to need glasses, for example. However or whomever you seem to be, you are still you. And it does not affect your magical cores, which we have also checked."
"Our magical- okay, this is called gaslighting, Mr Scrimgeour. I think we'd know if we were in a muggle-rebellion group-"
"What happened to the others," Ella asked, interrupting Addy's tirade before she got them arrested for annoying an auror. "You said we were the only surviving members?"
Scrimgeour glanced at Florean. It was the only time they'd seen him uncertain since he'd turned up. It was enough for Ella to make an assumption.
"Something happened that night, didn't it? The night we arrived here," Ella deduced, slightly warily. "What aren't you telling us?"
Scrimgeour hesitated for a split second before schooling his features. "As you don't seem to remember, Sacred Insurgence were an incredibly secretive group that opposed the doctrine of the pureblood directory. Particularly the idolisation of the Sacred 28."
"That explains the name," Addy muttered to Ella.
"They campaigned for muggleborn rights and were admittedly considered largely a nuisance by the auror department for all the difference they tried to make."
"They were in the papers a lot," Florean added, looking at the girls intently. "Spoke out against…" he couldn't quite bring himself to say the word 'Voldemort' "...bad wizards, blood purists and the like. Quite active in the past few years."
"Hm," Scrimgeour hummed in agreement. "They were constantly moving around the country and interrupting ministry-sanctioned events with civil disobedience," he massaged his forehead. "We only had up-to-date records for a couple of their members, their leader, Flin Heron-Wort, who had been arrested a few years back, and you two, who recently applied for your provisional apparition licences."
"From all the secrecy, I'm assuming this group didn't trust the Ministry?" Ella ventured.
"They did not. That night, the 23rd of July, there was an attack—a massacre. We didn't have the group's location; we would have been none the wiser, but one member," he looked fixedly at Addy, "sent a patronus urgently requesting help. Death Eaters had found them."
"Not good." Addy noted soberly.
"No," Scrimgeour agreed. "Not good at all. By the time we got there, it was too late. Thirteen dead. Certain remains unidentifiable. Others presumed missing."
"Like us." Ella deduced grimly.
"Correct." The auror stared at the two girls with a sombre look in his eyes. Even as young as he was compared to the books, it was clear his was a job that never got easier. "And you have no memory of this - none at all?"
"I'm afraid not," Ella replied, casting her eyes downwards in sadness. It may not have actually been them involved, but the thought of such an atrocity happening and the culprits getting away with it was horrifying. "I wish we could help."
It was true. Ella wished they could help get justice for those people. She and Addy could probably offer a few names that might be involved - known Death Eaters at around this time - but it would be pure conjecture on their part. Plus, she feared it may do more harm than good: intimate knowledge of Voldemort's inner circle probably wouldn't look unsuspicious to Scrimgeour. It also may result in a target on their back if word spread to some less than savoury characters. Sacred Insurgence weren't the only ones that didn't trust the Ministry.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Scrimgeour said solemnly, tawny eyes inscrutable.
That seemed to tip Addy over. She stood up. "No, no. This doesn't make sense. If what you're saying is right, then Death Eaters slaughtered our families… and we rocked up in our PJs, none the wiser. How wouldn't we remember something like that? That's not, y'know, your uncle's birthday you forgot. That's pretty big."
"You mentioned an attack when you arrived," Florean prompted, his voice gentle.
"Yes," Addy said, agitated, "but not like how you're describing."
"How would you describe it?" Scrimgeour followed up swiftly.
"I don't know. We weren't- it was- there was a bunch of static, and it was loud." Addy chewed her bottom lip. She was trying very hard to explain without completely dropping them in it. It was a difficult balance to strike - damn Veritaserum. Thankfully, Ella picked up what she was laying down.
"There was wind. Lots of wind," Ella contributed. "Like a storm, tearing everything up."
"Yeah," Addy nodded, sitting back down. "It was some kind of weird magic. Hit us out of the blue."
"We got thrown about and ended up here," Ella finished, deliberately skimping on the details. Apparently, vagueness was key with Veritaserum: you needed to tell the truth, but not the whole truth.
"How?" Scrimgeour asked.
"We don't know," Addy retorted. "But what you're saying is bloody preposterous. Tell him, El."
"I think it's just a little difficult for us to imagine the circumstances in which we were victims of a Death Eater attack; over a dozen of our closest associates were murdered in front of us; we were transported to the middle of wizarding London and promptly forgot everything that happened." Ella summed up. "Is that the gist?"
Addy nodded. "Yeah, that covers it."
It went quiet. The four of them contemplated the supposed circumstances of Ella and Addy's being here. It sounded a little far-fetched. Of course, the truth was even further-fetched, but nobody needed to know that. Florean cleared his throat.
"Forgive me for a spot of speculation, but is it possible the girls were obliviated?"
Ella and Addy jerked their heads in the direction of their friendly guardian.
"What?"
"Eh?"
Florean continued. "'S'like I told you outside, Rufus. They turned up at my doorstep a right mess, no shoes, no wands, bleedin' and shaken. Told us they were travellers, homeschooled, but didn't know how to cast any spells. Said their parents didn't believe in wands."
"I knew that would come back to haunt us," Ella muttered darkly under her breath.
"What if, when they were trying to get away for a port key or an apparition point or the like, they got hit with an obliviate?"
"So as not to give up the identity of the attackers," Scrimgeour supposed, eyebrow raised in consideration.
"But why not just use the killing curse?" Ella asked. "They murdered everyone else."
"Plenty of reasons to keep someone alive," the auror replied. "Maybe they wanted to make an example of you. You were the youngest, presumably the weakest-"
"Now you're just being mean," Addy grumbled.
"-perhaps they thought you knew something? Or had something they'd be able to extract from you. Knowledge; a weapon-"
"The leopard-print blanket cape?" Addy ventured with a modicum of her usual sarcasm.
Scrimgeour looked unimpressed.
"At the end of the day, Mr Scrimgeour," Ella offered, finally, "we can guess and guess until the cows come home-"
"I've never understood that saying," Addy interrupted. "Where have the cows been? Why have they decided to return now?"
Ella ignored her friend's contemplations. "-but we can't tell you what you want to know. We're here, the two of us. And we have no idea what happened. We have no nefarious plans. Nowhere else to go. It's just Addy and I, alone."
The girls stilled momentarily as the truth of Ella's statement crept up on them. They had nothing here and no one to turn to. So far, they'd landed on their feet. At some point, that streak of luck would surely run out.
Florean stepped forward, perhaps identifying the quiet trepidation that glossed the girls' expressions. His low voice broke the silence. "You're not alone. You always have a home with me."
Ella couldn't help herself. Her heart squeezed with fondness for the kind wizard; she stood up and hugged him warmly. "Thank you, Florean. I don't know what we would have done without you."
Addy nodded, awkwardly hovering next to the pair. "Yeah. You're the only reason we're alive right now…" she paused before crossing her arms, an incredulous expression painting her face. "You're also the reason we've both put on so much weight this summer! All that magic, and you can't make ice cream fat-free?"
Florean snorted. "It just doesn't taste the same."
The three shared a tender moment. Over the past six weeks, they had become a little found family of sorts. They owed Florean Fortescue so much. Ella wondered if they would ever be able to pay him back.
Scrimgeour cleared his throat, interrupting the trio's bonding. "I have concluded that neither of you is a threat-"
"That's a little insulting," Addy sniffed.
"Don't worry, he's never seen your jelly-legs jinx," Ella reassured her. "Or either of us play Monopoly."
Ella, Addy and Florean collectively shuddered, remembering an afternoon a few weeks ago when the girls had introduced him and Frank to the game during a slow shift. They'd picked up a second-hand set at the junk shop - a rare find.
Regrets were immediate. It was a bloodbath. Trust was thrown out of the window.
Ella and Addy played with a wild, feckless abandon - no room for strategy and far too much room for vexation. Frank became some kind of teenaged London mobster, wheeling and dealing and charging through the roof for trades. While Florean, as banker, saw a dark and ruthless side of himself he never wanted to revisit.
When the usually genial Longbottom boy threw his battleship token at a customer after landing on Addy's hoteled Mayfair, they drew the game to a close. The four of them agreed never to play again for their mutual safety and well-being.
"-and I have deemed Mr Fortescue a safe and trustworthy guardian," the auror continued, pointedly oblivious to the other three's internal trauma. 'At least for the time being.'
Addy's head turned so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash. "So we can stay?"
Ella's eyes were wide with hope.
Mr Scrimgeour paused, stern eyes flicking between the pair. "...yes. For now"
The girls gave a huge whoop, Ella pulling a fussing Addy and a smiling Florean into a tight hug. Scrimgeour had the sense and dexterity to dodge her.
"Although, I will be keeping a close eye on you two," Scrimgeour warned, his lips quirking in what was, possibly, if you squinted very, VERY hard, faint amusement.
"We would despair if you didn't," Addy replied. "Ella particularly. She's a bit of an exhibitionist, you see, and- ouch!"
Ella squeezed her friend even harder, looking at Scrimgeour, red-faced. "I think the truth serum's worn off."
"Let's hope," Scrimgeour nodded.
"Let me breathe!" Addy wheezed. "We've just avoided a trip to Azkaban, don't send me to St Mungos instead."
Ella flapped away her concerns. "If you're talking, you're breathing."
"Has the truth serum worn off?" Florean asked. "How long does it usually take?"
Scrimgeour shrugged, which was an oddly nonchalant gesture when paired with his steely exterior. "It varies. Try to tell a lie."
Ella thought for a second. "My nose is an aubergine," she stated, "I'm 642 years old. I have a pet erumpent named Wilfred, and I carry him in my pocket. Yep, we're in the clear."
"Thank Merlin, I missed lying." Addy breathed a sigh of relief. She then spotted Scrimgeour and Florean's sceptical expressions. "Er, not that I ever did. Or would dream of doing. Especially to you two fine gents - right, Ella?"
Ella shook her head with a mixture of fondness, exasperation, and a touch of appreciation for what made Addy, well, Addy.
"Looks like the potion has definitely worn off," Florean chuckled.
The stern auror lifted himself from the plush hold of the armchair and adjusted his robes purposefully. "It seems that everything is settled for now," he announced, his gaze unwavering. "So, I'll take my leave."
As Scrimgeour walked towards the hallway and reached the back door, he turned to the girls, yellowed irises intent.
"You know where to find me if anything, …or anyone, pertinent to the case should come to light." His words held a quiet severity that they could not escape as his eyes gazed unwaveringly into theirs. Ella felt a weight settle on her chest at the suggestion of who 'anyone' might be, reminded once again that these were dangerous times they had arrived in.
As quickly as it came, his severe expression disappeared and the man was untenable once more. "Enjoy your evening. I'll be in touch."
They watched as the austere auror exited through the door. From outside, they heard the telltale crack of apparition, and with that, Scrimgeour was gone.
The girls blew a great breath of relief they didn't even know that they were holding.
"Well, we survived," Ella cheered meekly. "Not that I thought we wouldn't, but it seems as good a cause as any to celebrate."
"See, I told you, you had nothin' to worry about," Florean's smile was warm and gentle, his words testament to the unwavering kindness he had offered the two teens.
"Other than our entire perception of ourselves being upheaved," Addy remarked.
"Other than that," Florean agreed solemnly. "I'm sorry about what happened. You girls have been through so much…"
"We don't remember it," Ella responded quickly, uncomfortable with assuming someone else's grief. "It's difficult to imagine ourselves in that situation - as who Mr Scrimgeour described. So, we're fine. Really."
"Plus," Addy held up her hands in celebration. "We haven't been arrested! That's a positive."
Ella gave a dry laugh, taking the opportunity to quickly move on. "Although he did try his best - what an infuriating fellow!"
"He can be a grouchy sod," Florean chuckled. "You two think he's bad now - I went to school with him - old Rufus has definitely mellowed since then."
"He did try to take us to Azkaban." Ella exclaimed dryly.
"If that's mellow, I'd hate to see the bloke in a grump!" Addy agreed.
Florean shook his head amusedly. "Just a stickler for the rules, he is - one time, he got suspended from quidditch for a season for too stringently upholdin' them. My classmates in Ravenclaw were chuffed to bits they didn't have to play him that term."
"You were in Ravenclaw?" Ella quizzed.
"I was," Florean said proudly. "First o' my family too. The rest were all-"
"Hufflepuffs." Ella finished. She explained at his surprised look. "There's a scarf in our room. I thought it was yours."
A shadow of grief passed across the older wizard's face. "No. No, it's not" he replied quietly.
Ella and Addy exchanged glances.
Florean seemed to compose himself. "Right, it's getting late. And you girls must be hungry after all the excitement of today. I can go and rustle up a couple of sausage baps for tea if you fancy?"
"Florean," Addy said, her face serious, "if I ever don't fancy a sausage bap, I've been imperioused."
"Or possessed," Ella added, keen to restore Florean back to his jovial self. "You can never rule out some good old-fashioned demonic possession."
Chuckling, Florean slapped his thigh (the classic British indication to 'get this show on the road') and rose from the chair he'd perched on, heading toward the kitchen to cook dinner.
As he left, Ella and Addy sat side by side on the squashy sofa, bathing in the warm glow of the setting sun that filtered through the large living room window. Despite their jokes and the massive relief they felt, the pair had been completely thrown by their unsettling interview with Scrimgeour. It was not how they thought it would go. Granted, they'd not been taken to the Ministry to be poked, prodded and inspected for being time-travelling, dimension hopping freaks of nature. Unfortunately, they'd still been left with more questions than answers.
As Florean's footsteps faded away, the room grew heavy with silence - their throats thick with unspoken concerns. Ella fidgeted with a curl of her hair, her gaze fixed on the floor as if trying to gather the courage to say the words stuck on her tongue. "I can't believe how nuts that interview was," she finally broke the silence, her voice barely above a whisper.
Addy nodded. "Something janky's going on, that's for sure."
"Even more so than we already thought. We exist!" Ella pinched the bridge of her nose and lowered her voice. "I mean, obviously, we exist, but we exist here. There are other Ellas and Addys strolling around at the same time as we are."
"We are superior," Addy attested. "I'll fight them. I didn't take two years of kung-fu at the village hall when I was eight, only to be thwarted by a sub-par Addy. And I bet she goes by Adele. Ridiculous."
"Well, they're currently MIA, so I don't think you have to worry about a showdown just yet," Ella mused, "but if they do turn up, that could be problematic. I don't think they'd be too happy to find out that we've been waltzing around pretending to be them."
"I mean, we haven't, really. We just happen to share the same face. And name. And DNA. And magical core," Addy paused. "We have magical cores now?"
"I guess that makes sense," Ella frowned. Their whole state of affairs was growing more and more confusing by the day - and that was impressive because it started out as pretty darn head-spinning. "We knew something had shifted because of the magic situation..."
"Still, it's, er, probably a concern, right?" Addy massaged the back of her neck.
"Hm," Ella agreed, chewing on her collar, "definitely one for the list."
"Yeah, the ol' concerns list is really racking up these days."
"We should probably schedule some allotted worry time in our calendar or we'll be really eating into our day-to-day activities."
"Our non-existent social lives will be a shambles."
"Exactly. How's this? Wednesday, 3pm - fret about being interdimensional time travellers-"
"Sounds good. I'm free."
"Thursday, 6pm - stress that the people who murdered our doppelgangers' family and friends are out looking for us," Ella winced.
"Maybe put a couple of hours aside for that one," Addy suggested.
"Good shout, we'll need to take our time."
"Let's add Friday, 11am - do washing."
"Washing is a concern?" Ella enquired, amusedly.
"Yeah, I really need to get some done. Death Eaters and evil twins aside, it is getting dicey in the undergarments zone."
"Okay, we'll pencil that in," Ella chuckled for a second until distress once again clouded her features. "Oh, God, Ad. This is a nightmare. What if we bump into people who know them - the other us? How do we play that? Our cover story's already patchy at best."
"Perhaps it's a good thing we never got Hogwarts letters?" Addy proposed, biting her lip. "Less chance of exposure."
Ella unhappily agreed. "It's possible that not getting into Hogwarts was a sign. Maybe we should just keep our heads down, lie low… although," she looked at her friend, eyes kindling a slight twinkle, "I've never known you not to make a scene."
Addy clutched her heart in mock-hurt. "How dare you? They call me the chameleon on the streets because of how much I blend in."
"Uh-huh, I don't think they call you anything on the streets… on account of your lack of street presence."
"That's what I want you to think. See, I'm flying under the radar. Stealth. The chameleon. Ooh. Ah."
Ella snickered. "You're as stealthy as a blast-ended skrewt in tap shoes."
Addy looked mildly affronted. "Er, pot kettle miss 'Addy, do I look like a muggle - and scene'!"
"It was a valid question-"
"-yeah? What's a muggle supposed to look like?"
"-non-magical! Besides, you can talk, senorita 'our parents didn't believe in wands'-"
"-gee whiz, let it go-"
"-not until the day I die-"
"-that may be swifter than you think-"
"-you may be swifter than I think-"
"-what?"
"-what?"
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
There was a loud rap at the door. The bickering friends paused.
"Oh, bloody hell," Addy cursed. "If that's Scrimgeour back to tell us we're actually long-lost members of the wizarding Cirque Du Soleil but have conveniently forgotten about it I swear to Merlin-"
"You would love that," Ella admonished, getting up. "I would love that. Let's join the circus. Fewer truth potions involved."
"Florean will naturally be utterly devastated to see us go, but his loss - someone else's gain," Addy agreed with a shrug.
"Comfy tent, jazzy outfits. What's not to like? No magic, though."
"Lots of prancing. Plus, we could rock the hell out of the trapeze."
"We would both die instantly," Ella deadpanned.
"But spectacularly." Addy shot her a pair of finger guns.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
"Coming, coming!" Ella hummed, walking towards the entrance hall. She swung open the door.
To her enormous surprise, it wasn't Scrimgeour or a troupe from the Cirque Du Soleil at the door. Instead, it was their favourite half-giant (minus Fang, sadly).
"Hagrid?" Ella exclaimed with surprise, as if anyone else could take up the entire doorway like he could. "What are you doing here?" She gestured for him to come in. "Can we get you anything? Tea? Biscuits? Biscuit flavoured tea?"
"Tea-flavoured ice cream?" Addy nearly vaulted over the back of the sofa. "Florean's been working on a new earl-grey and blackberry. I'm not usually a fan of bergamot, but I think this has really got legs."
Hagrid shook his head. "Can't stop. Sorry fer comin' so late, but I didn' think yeh'd want to wait 'till mornin'." He gave a big, bushy grin and patted down his vast array of pockets before retrieving two slightly crumpled envelopes with red wax seals. "I 'spect yeh'd be wantin' to get yeh hands on these asap."
Ella and Addy turned to each other, struck.
"Are those…"
"Hogwarts letters!" Hagrid cheered. "Told yehs it wasn' too late."
The girls were frozen, battling their instincts to gallop around the room and burst into a celebratory Cha Cha Slide***** with the weight of their previous discussion. Heads down. Low profile. Not being the first to transfer into the most famous wizarding school in the world for goodness knows how many years.
Hagrid frowned. His concern was palpable, his rugged features flooding with worry. "Are yehs alrigh'? I thought yeh'd be pleased?"
"We are!" Ella placated quickly. "We absolutely are! It's just so sudden, and there's lots to do, lots of-" she glanced to Addy with a burning question in her eyes, "-choices to make" she finished meaningfully.
Addy could sense a precipice at the edge of their next words, represented by the two paths they now faced. The first: jump. Go to Hogwarts, live the lives they desperately wanted to at the expense of their safety. Or the second: retreat. Stay hidden at Florean's shop. Never openly explore their potential as witches but remain safe. Alive.
In the end, the path was already chartered for them. Why else would Hagrid be here, extending two crinkled envelopes towards them?
Hogwarts had been their dream for so long, only strengthening when it became that much more attainable. The amount of hours they spent ignoring the teacher in Maths class, imagining they were in Transfiguration instead turning tortoises into teacups. They couldn't let their circumstances (whatever they may be) ruin that. Surely they should be allowed to have this moment without the threat of everything else looming over them.
The red wax seals winked at them as Ella and Addy's hands grasped their future. Jump it is then.
The girls squealed and began hopping up and down like a pair of sugar-dosed kangaroos before spontaneously launching into a lively rendition of the school song (neither was sure who was to blame for initiating the impromptu performance—they strongly suspected each other). "Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, teach us something, please!"
"Someone had a couple too many firewhiskeys writing those lyrics," Addy quipped with a breathless chuckle.
"No tune, tempo, or duration!" Ella laughed, giddy with joy.
"My kinda song, tha'," Hagrid puffed joyfully before taking a deep breath and bellowing "HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS, TEACH US SUMMAT PLEASE, WHETHER WE BE OLD AND BALD, OR YOUNG WI' SCABBY KNEES-"
Florean tumbled into the entrance hall. "Are you alright?! What in Merlin's name is going on?" He was brandishing a pair of cooking tongs as a makeshift weapon (what was it with perfectly capable wizards not using their wands in a crisis? James Potter, McNully, Florean? Pull yourselves together, lads).
His expression spiralled into surprise and bewilderment as he observed the chaotic scene before him. His gaze fell upon Addy and Ella, bouncing up and down with uncontainable excitement, their arms flailing in the air…
"OUR HEADS COULD DO WI' FILLIN' WI' SOME INTERESTING STUFF-"
… before swiftly spotting a beaming Hagrid stooping in the doorway, his massive frame swaying to the rhythm of his own singing and the girls' jubilant dancing.
"FOR NOW THEY'RE BARE AN' FULL OF AIR, DEAD FLIES AN' BITS OF FLUFF-" Hagrid continued tunelessly. "SO TEACH US THINGS WORTH KNOWIN', BRING BACK WHAT WE'VE FORGOT-"
"Jus' do your best; we'll do the rest and learn 'til our brains all rot," Florean sang, clearly bemused but evidently still up for a good time. "Hagrid, what brings you here? Is everythin' all right? Come inside!"
"We got accepted into Hogwarts!" Ella exclaimed, waving her letter in the air like a prized baton. Her eyes shimmered with delight. "We need to owl Frank!"
"We need to brush up on our gobstones," Addy countered, her voice filled with a sense of entirely misplaced determination. "We'll look like fools if we go in unprepared!"
Florean's face split into a wide grin. "Tha' explains the racket - congratulations, girls!"
"Thank you, Florean," Ella smiled from ear to ear. "We didn't think it would happen!" She suddenly gasped. "We're gonna ride a thestral-drawn carriage!"
Addy whooped animatedly. "Yes! We're gonna ride a broom!"
"We're going to ride the giant squid - with his consent!"
"We're going to ride the whomping wi—" Addy stopped herself, "-no, that's a bad idea."
Florean clapped his hands together, interrupting the girls' animated chatter. "Hagrid, how about a sausage bap? You look like you could use one after all tha' singing!"
"Hagrid has to go," Ella told Florean sadly. "He said he can't stop."
Hagrid pulled out his pocket watch from somewhere inside his coat and checked the time. "Well, I s'pose one or two won' hurt... 's a celebration after all. Don' mind if I do."
The girls whooped and he stepped indoors, lowering his massive frame to stoop against the low frame. He still couldn't reach his full height inside, ducking as he brushed off some bits of twigs and leaves that clung to his coat. Plonking himself onto the sofa, Hagrid took up the entire space as if it were an armchair made just for him.
Florean nipped back to the kitchen before quickly reemerging with a stupendous amount of hefty sausage sandwiches piled high with crispy onions and generous dollops of relish. It was a good job that Hagrid had paid a visit - it seemed that Florean had cooked enough to feed a small army. The half-giant immediately began to tuck in happily.
Florean settled into an armchair while the girls sprawled on the floor, munching sausages and gazing at their respective envelopes.
"Go on then, girls," Florean encouraged. "Open 'em!"
They didn't need to be told twice. They tore open the envelopes and poured over the contents inside.
Dear Miss Williams,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl imminently.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Dear Miss Edmunds,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl imminently.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
"Oh God," Ella said, her voice betraying both her excitement and panic. "Look at all the things we need! We start so soon – what on earth have we been doing all summer?!"
"Trying to learn six years' worth of magic in six weeks, pal."
"Good point. Okay, we've got robes. Books aplenty. Actually, I don't know if we have that edition of Flesh-Eating Trees of the World – hmm, maybe we've got one of them. Could we share? No, that's crazy; we'll need it at the same time."
"Oh, Merlin," Addy cursed, inhaling another bite of her sandwich as she examined the equipment list. "I forgot we needed to get cauldrons. That's gonna put a dent in my fizzing whizbees fund."
"Probably a blessing in disguise. Right, let's make a list!" Ella declared, looking around for some spare parchment. "Things we need: cauldrons, telescopes- oh, Frank sat on your phials…"
"That slippery devil owes me a new set."
"No time to wheedle it out of him. We go to Hogwarts in four- three and a bit- days!"
The girls exchanged gleeful glances, mirroring one another's excitement and anticipation.
"I can't wait!" Addy smiled brightly before her expression dropped. "Oh balls, I need to go buy new socks. And deodorant. And I lost my good quill somewhere in the flowerbed this morning - I've gotta find that before we go!"
"We have so much to do," Ella cried, slightly manically. "I can feel my skin breaking out. Am I rashy? I feel rashy."
Chowing down their respective baps, Hagrid and Florean watched with amusement as the girls darted about the room like nifflers in a pawn shop, caught in a dazed flutter.
"I hope the girls make it to Hogwarts," Florean uttered wryly to Hagrid as he reached for a second bun. "They might jus' give themselves an aneurysm beforehand."
"Morgana's pancakes!" Ella exclaimed, her expression wild. "We're never going to pull ourselves together in time!"
Addy's eyes brightened as if blessed with a glorious idea. "TIME - that's it - does anyone have a time-turner we can borrow?"
"No one's going to lend us a time-turner!" Ella replied, baffled.
"What about that bloke who runs the trinket and dowhatsits stall?"
"Mr Jigglesworth is not going to lend us a time-turner - if he even has one!"
"You don't know if you don't ask!" Addy chided, palms in the air as if to gesture 'I don't make the rules, I just work here'.
"We've met the man once!"
"You could flirt it out of him - bat those baby blues!"
"I'm not flirti- he's a hundred and four!" Ella retorted, nose wrinkling.
"It'll make the old beggar's week!"
"It'll kill him!" Ella shot back, an incredulous look on her face. "We're wasting time - come on!"
With that, both girls flew from the room in a state of agitated excitement. Hagrid finished his third sausage bap with a bushy grin. "Looks li' Hogwarts is gonna have its hands full thi' year."
Florean was inclined to agree.
*MCR - My Chemical Romance. Classic noughties alt-rock/emo band. Amazing stuff; lead singer Gerard Way also created The Umbrella Academy original comic series. If you don't know them you were either four at the time or had a social life. Or were a particularly social four-year-old..
**DofE - Duke of Edinburgh Award. A form of cruel and unusual punishment for school students with a vague interest in nature and walking. Hiking and camping - disgusting. Didn't you do all three levels and the diamond anniversary challenge? What's your point?
*** Pringles - once again, we want to re-enforce that we do not receive any royalties from Pringles or it's associated companies. Although, we admit it's looking suspicious at this point. And that's also not to say we wouldn't be open to some freebies.
**** Crumpets - if you've never had one, get on this - bloody delicious. Put cheese on them. Don't put cheese on them. Put ham on them. Don't put ham on them - just butter. *whispers* do it.
*****Cha Cha Slide - it's come to our attention that some people do not know what the 'Cha Cha Slide' is. It's also come to our attention that some people are born after the year 2000 and can legally drive a car. Both these facts disgust us; pull yourself together.