Chapter 16

I've never felt so awkward in all my life, Claire had been begging me for weeks to go with her to this concert in downtown Atlanta to see some band that called themselves Slipknot; normally I wouldn't have a problem with going but the fact that they were playing in one of the seediest clubs in town had me not wanting to go at all. To make matters worse she flat out told me that if I didn't want to go with her it was fine – she'd either get Merle to go with her or she'd go by herself. Unfortunately, she knows me well enough to know that I wasn't gonna let either of those options fly so here I am watching her lose her mind as nine guys in masks and boiler suits get everyone riled up.

She had herself pressed up against the barricade on the left-hand side of the stage while I kept an eagle eye on her from the balcony above. A couple of times I almost felt myself ready to leave my spot when I saw a bunch of assholes try to sweep her up into the mosh pits but I'll be damned, she was down there throwing elbows and fighting to keep herself right where she was. After more than hour of screaming the show was over, it was close to 10:30 and I had plans to go hunting in the morning but again, I should've known that Claire was too keyed up to go anywhere just yet. Most of the people inside were steadily clearing out but there were some, like Claire, that stayed knowing the band would likely be coming back out to meet some of the fans. It was what Claire was looking forward to the most and she wouldn't stop yapping in my ear about it. God only knows that if I tried to talk her into leaving now she'd never let me forget it.

Once the majority of the crowd had left I went downstairs to where Claire was talking with a couple of other fans letting her know I was heading out back for a quick smoke. She nodded but didn't let me stop whatever conversation she was having. I hadn't even been out there five minutes when someone was asking to bum a cigarette off me.

"How'd ya like the show, man?"

"Was alright, I guess. My fiancé is the fan; I'm just here to make sure nothing happens to her. Crazy bitch wanted to come here by herself if I told her 'no.' There's no question in my mind that she can't take care of herself but this isn't exactly the safest part of town."

"I get it, we don't exactly like playing in clubs like this but we take whatever we can get. Where was she standing, do ya know?"

"She made herself at home right up against the barricade on the left, pretty close to the amps. The guy with the nose was asking for it the way he kept pointing at her and jerking his nose off at her. That fucker better not let me find out what he looks like; I'll punch his fucking lights out."

Whoever this guy was just laughed, dropping the cigarette to the ground and stepping it out before blowing out a puff of smoke to head back inside. Within minutes a bunch of cheers and screams erupted from the other side of the doors. From the smoking area I watched a few more people file out wearing the biggest smiles across their face as they clutched t-shirts and posters to their chests. Knowing Claire though she wasn't going to be satisfied until she either got an autograph, a hug, thirty seconds to say something, or any combination of the three. She'd make me stay out here until well after midnight if that's what it took.

I let my cigarette butt fall to the ground, crushing it under my boot before I headed back inside to find Claire. There weren't nearly as many people left inside which made finding her pretty easy but I had to stop myself from punching the guy with a number 4 patch on his left arm when I noticed his hands travelling towards her ass. Claire would probably just tell me that I'm being territorial or some shit but hell, she's my fiancé and no one but me is allowed to be touching her ass. Of course I should've known though that she had the situation under control – she calmly took his hands away and showed him the ring on her hand. Whatever confidence he had in himself quickly deflated but he regrouped enough to tell her that "whoever he is, he's one lucky son of a bitch" and signed the t-shirt she bought earlier in the night.

"So that's her, huh? Chris had his eye on her most of the night, gotta admit she's cute and fucking tough too. I was laughing when those guys were trying to suck her into the mosh pits – man, the way she was throwing them elbows around you would think she grew up in a house full of older brothers or something. I think at one point Chris was ready to jump in to the crowd if he saw her getting swept in again."

"Aw, Daryl you made a friend! See, I told you coming here would be good for both of us. Paul, you can't really mean everything you just said about Chris. All of you fuck with him so much and-"

"Sweetheart, we may fuck with him all the time but this is one of those times that I'm not. The dude was ready to save your ass if he felt like he had too."

"And I'm sure repayment would've been in the form of sleeping with him, right?"

"I mean, he would've charmed his way into your panties," this Paul guy laughed but not me, "Chris may look like an idiot but believe it or not he's pretty hung and knows what he's doing. He's in a room with Jim tonight and the two of them would've had you on your knees begging in a matter of minutes."

Claire laughed at the comment but gave me this look to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. Still though, the idea of her sleeping with not only one rock star but two had me thinking that perhaps she was better off without me. I mean hell, I already got the feeling from her family and friends that I wasn't good enough for her and now I was feeling it even more.

"I guess we'll never know. Would you mind signing my t-shirt? Not that your ego needs to be stroked any more tonight but out of the nine you're my favorite."

"Saving the best for last, huh?"

Very quickly he signed her t-shirt and gave it back to her before being pulled away by another fan who wanted a picture with him. Claire though was riding a high that came to a head the moment we stepped outside – the squeal of excitement that left her was a sound I never heard before, not even when I asked her to marry me did she get this excited. The way she bounced through the parking lot had me questioning if she had a few screws loose and when she started stomping her feet around in the truck it was clear that I was going to be in for a long night of no sleep.

"I don't like the way he kept looking at you tonight." Jealously leeching out as we left the parking lot.

"I know, I felt your eyes in the back of my head every time Chris so much as glanced at me. And don't even get me started on Jim and the way he had his tongue out. If it were up you I know you would've cut it out of his mouth."

She's definitely right about that, a couple of times in between songs one of the guitar players was trying to make a pass at her. Some people would probably say that it was all in my head and he meant it towards someone else and I would agree with that had it not been for the fact that I watched the guy point directly at her and make more than a few obscene gestures towards her. She waved him off though, showing off her ring and that was the end of that.

"I'm happy though that you came out here with me tonight though, Daryl. I know this is way outside your comfort zone and that you didn't want to come in the first place but it really does mean a lot to me. This band got me through a lot of dark times and I wouldn't want to experience them live with anyone but you."

Her voice was sincere as she reached across the bench seat of the truck for my hand but still, I had my doubts as I always felt that she could do better than me. I should be filled with pride knowing that she chose to stay with me instead of sliding her ring off for a once in a lifetime opportunity to sleep with a couple of rock stars. Instead, I was filled with dread that I'd come home from my hunting trip to an empty house and a note on a fridge that said something along the lines of 'so long sucker!'

"Next time they're in town though let's hope that they're playing somewhere that's a little safer so that I don't have to go with you."

"Motörhead is more your speed, I know but still, I really do appreciate you coming out here with me. I know you want to go hunting in the morning so when we get home I want you to go straight to bed. I promise, I won't bother you the rest of the night, I'm just gonna sit in the basement for a little bit and ride out this high – I'm just too excited to go to sleep!"

We fell into a comfortable silence afterwards and when we finally got home Claire was true to her word. She let out one more squeal of excitement then bounded down the basement stairs to finish riding out her high. We haven't been to that many concerts together but of the ones we have gone to none of them had left her feeling as happy as she was tonight. Meanwhile, I walked down the hallway to our room and flopped straight into bed, only pausing for a couple of seconds to see the red numbers on the alarm clock change over to read 12:19 a.m. My original plan was to be up and ready to go no later than 4:30, hopefully Claire will decide to sleep in the guest room tonight so she doesn't risk waking me up.

I had already been up for at least an hour or so before I saw Claire begin to stir just thinking about the past, wondering if the old her was still in there somewhere. Not that I would change anything about the woman that was in front of me but just curious if some of the old Claire was still there – the Claire that loved to laugh, have fun, and go to metal concerts because she found it "therapeutic" to let all her anger out while screaming about a girl that was locked inside a box.

"Bout time you got up."

"Thought you would've been gone by now, you said you were going back to Hilltop."

"Told ya last night I'd stay in the shack you spotted."

I don't know what possessed me to go after her, I knew she was going to the bathroom and I knew that she'd be coming back so that we could finish what we started last night. But that insecurity that always seems to follow me around was in full control and was being a stubborn pain in the ass this morning when it decided I needed to turn my back and wait while she peed. But of course, like always, my insecurity needed answers.

"Did ya mean what ya said last night? Do ya really regret everything we had?"

When she didn't answer right away my level of anxiety jumped off the scale and suddenly every wrong I ever committed in our relationship was at the forefront of my mind. I knew she could see it written all over my face when she finally gathered up enough courage to look me in the eye once her hands were dried.

"Let's go back to the bedroom, little more private in there."

Her voice was soft as she spoke, taking her time to choose her words carefully; it would seem like she was having a flashback of her own to those mornings where she wouldn't know who she was waking up next too. There were some mornings I'd wake up still pissed off from the night before that she'd have to walk on eggshells until I had at least one cup of coffee and something to eat. It was only after I had eaten that she'd ask for something, usually something small like what I wanted her to make for lunch or if we could go out for dinner. It was a simple request that I had no problem agreeing to so I let her lead us back.

"About last night? What I said about regretting everything? I meant it, but only part of it. I was angry as a fucking wasp at seeing ya yesterday at Hilltop and I let it get to me."

At least that was one weight off my shoulders but I still needed to know more. All that time I spent locked up in that tiny cell inside the Sanctuary I had a nagging sensation that Claire had been there on at least one occasion and after what I saw yesterday at Hilltop I had my suspicions about how she ended up coming to know Negan.

"Were you ever at the Sanctuary before yesterday? Negan looked too comfortable around you."

It was clear that I caught her off guard with the question as she fell into a familiar habit: I watched as her head started to hang just a little lower and the wheels in her mind begin to drop heavy metal gates around her thoughts, trying to protect whatever memories were there of what I could assume was a hellish experience. But I was not going to accept her silence, we needed allies in this war against the Saviors and anything she might know could help.

"Hey." My hand waved in front of her face.

"Sorry," I watched as she shook her head, coming out of her trance-like state, "just thinking. I was there for about a month or two, it was shortly after I got here. A gang of 'em on bikes stopped me while I was walking. Took all of my stuff, said it wasn't enough and took me and all my shit back with 'em. Negan met us outside the front gates, wide grin, fucking Lucille over his shoulder, told me I belonged to him."

"Shit, even I couldn't even get away with saying something like that to ya, you'd have whooped my ass." I couldn't stop the snort that escaped as I folded my arms across my chest.

"I agreed to take your name though but you're right I would've whooped your ass for that. I whooped Negan pretty good until his men jumped me and put me on my knees at gunpoint. He threatened to kill me there on the spot but said that I had too much…spunk? I think that's the word he used. Also said he didn't like killing women or kids, that I needed to behave myself if I wanted to walk out of there on my own."

"You never were one to play by the rules."

"You and Merle had a hand in that."

"What'd you do?"

"What Dixons do best: I fought. Three of them had to carry me inside but I kept struggling to break free. They stopped just outside of a door, cut my clothes off, and threw my naked ass onto a freezing cold concrete floor. The door slammed shut behind me, not long after that some song started playing over the speakers."

There was no way I could stop the agonizing groan that escaped as I let my head fall into my hands, shaking my head just a little.

"Easy Street, right? Dwight's fucking wimpy ass nearly had me breaking the goddamn door down."

"But we both know it's hard to break a Dixon. They played that song just about every hour of every day on repeat trying to break me. When that didn't work they tried making me work the fences, clean up piss when Negan would burn 'em with an iron. Shit, one bitch tried hosing me down in cold water and making me stand outside in the snow for a half hour. Ended up getting sick as hell after that but I refused to tell them that I was Negan. There's no need to say what they did or tried to do to you. Negan says they do that to everyone who refuses to call themselves Negan. But some things do vary."

"Fed me fucking dog food sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They left the door open not long after they felt I had earned my clothes back, I tried to make a run for it. They surrounded me out back, circled me like a bunch of fucking vultures. Negan said that I don't scare easy, that it was something he liked, wanted me to say I was him and join the Saviors. Beat me to a pulp, felt like I was getting walloped by my old man again."

"Growing up the way you did, you had to be tough. Fear wasn't an option with the way your old man would go after the two of ya."

"How'd ya get out?"

"Broke out, snuck out, whatever you wanna call it. I had a few bobby pins in my hair when I was taken, they were hidden well enough that they were never found. Merle taught me to pick a lock so I figured if I was gonna put a lesson into practice why not now? I waited until the footsteps stopped walking past the door and made a run for it when the halls were clear enough. They sent a search party to look for me."

"You track 'em like I showed ya?"

She nodded, "I snuck up on 'em one by one killing all but one, he was gonna give Negan a message for me before I killed him too."

"What was the message?"

"My name is Claire. I took a long range rifle with me when I left; it had a decent scope on it, already sighted in. I squeezed the trigger and watched the guy's brains shoot out of his skull, the blood covering Negan's face."

"Definitely one way to send a message."

She yawned and I knew she was ready to go back to sleep again. Without a doubt, the beds here at the Kingdom were far more comfortable than what they had at Hilltop but fell just short of what we had at Alexandria.

"Since when did you start using the cooler heads will prevail mantra?"

"Don't know, probably after Merle got left in Atlanta and cut his own fucking hand off. Realized that being a hot head wasn't getting me anywhere, everywhere Rick went he wanted me to go with him. Rick was a cop before this, 'nother story for 'nother time. He would always try to find the best solution to a problem, didn't like to kill the living." A smirk appearing across his face, "made me realize that I wasn't just some dumb redneck, that I could actually be useful and not everything has to end in a fight."

"Must've been hard to reprogram your brain. I remember when we were still going out, it was St. Patrick's Day some drunk had one too many and pinched my ass because I wasn't wearing green. Told you not worry about him, drunks weren't worth the time but you and Merle insisted. Cops showed up and Merle took the fall for everything so you wouldn't end up in jail."

"Wasn't easy that's for sure. It was a fun night until that asshole started in on ya, still don't hear ya complaining about what we did after we left."

"And you never will."

Yeah, she was definitely ready to go back to sleep as another yawn slipped past her lips. This time though she tried to use the back of her hand to cover her mouth. Once I was sure that she tucked in and out cold I scribbled out a quick note that read 'gone back to Hilltop. Get ready for war' and left it on the nightstand next to the bed then headed out towards the cabin.

About a year later Slipknot came back to town but instead of playing at the same seedy bar like last time they were playing on the outskirts in Alpharetta. This time though I was more than okay with letting her go by herself especially since we'd been fighting more lately and I knew she needed to let off some steam. The biggest mistake I made that night was screaming as she left the house "if the nose guy tries to get in your panties don't bother coming back, ya fucking slut!" She didn't come back home for two days and when she finally did it was just to take a shower and head straight to work.

Claire was either a damn good actress or she actually slept with at least one of them because none of her clothes smelled like me and she always used to say how much she loved the way I smelled. The very first time she told me that I thought she had lost it completely until she told me that I smelled like whiskey, cigarettes, and the woods – for whatever reason she found comfort in that smell but as I picked her clothes up off the floor they didn't have that scent to them anymore. I could still smell the whiskey and the cigarettes but they weren't what I smoked however that woodsy, outdoor smell was gone.

I needed answers and she was going to fucking tell me where she's been the last couple of days.

"What?" the tone in her voice as she picked up the phone told me she wasn't in the mood for games.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"You said if Chris, the nose guy, tried to get in my panties don't bother coming back, well, he did try but I ended up having a threesome with Jim and Paul instead. So rather than coming home and putting up with your fucking bullshit I spent the last couple of nights being tied to a bed and blindfolded. And you know what? It was the best sex I've ever had, I mean they put you to shame!"

I hung up, not wanting to hear any more of what she had to say; I never thought she would actually do something that low but I guess in some twisted way I deserve this. I'm the reason we're going through a divorce right now and she's already stopped wearing her ring. Yeah, the judge ordered us to do couples therapy and we have been going but I guess she's finally given up on the idea of trying. I should be happy that this whole sham of a marriage is on its way down the drain but there was still that tiny part of me that wanted things to work out.

What have I done?