"No, I won't choose." The gun cocking echoed like a bomb blast in his ears. He flinched back and -
Spencer's eyes popped open to a room illuminated only by the light streaming through a half-closed door. His head pounded, and his heart thrummed so fast an alarm began to beep.
"Hey, babe. Take it easy."
He looked left to see JJ sitting up next to him. He wasn't in a shack or a cemetery - the explosion of the final gunshot still rang in his memory. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to catch his breath, but – he shot out of bed and almost fell.
His broken foot screamed now that the adrenaline had worn off. "Damn it," he shouted.
"Let me help you," JJ said.
He didn't argue with her because he couldn't ignore the swamping nausea. He let JJ help him to his feet. He limped heavily into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before retching so hard his chest ached and burned.
A few minutes later, he opened the door and stood, trying to control his breathing. His mouth tasted of the stomach contents he'd lost.
Where are my clothes?
He needed the bottle he'd stolen from Tobias. He hurried to the bedroom as fast as he could, limp and frantically searched for them.
"Spence!"
JJ's voice hit him like a brick to the side of his head. He'd forgotten she was there, that she'd helped him to the bathroom to vomit his guts out. He whipped around and saw her sitting on the edge of his bed. "JJ."
"Talk to me, please."
His heart rate spiked again as he tried not to push down the rising panic and ignore the itching around his injection wounds.
God, he wanted, no – needed a shot!
"I'm here."
She smiled at him, but her eyes were red-rimmed, and he could see pain in her eyes. "I – "
"I thought you were gone forever," she whispered.
"I was. I went - somewhere, and now I'm here."
"I saw you," JJ gulped. "I wanted to die, too."
"Jennifer," he whispered.
"I don't understand, Spencer. Why did you walk away from me?"
"I didn't. I'm here."
"No, I mean that night. What were you thinking?"
"I –" Tears welled in his eyes as he stumbled to the bed and fell heavily. "I don't know. I'm sorry."
JJ pulled him into her arms. "I'm sorry too, babe. God, I love you so much."
He sat up and stared at her in the low light of the bedside lamp. "What did you say?"
"I said I love you."
He felt his shaking hands begin to steady just a little as he struggled to process her words. "I love you more than you'll ever know."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now. I don't know why I couldn't say the words."
"Neither could I." Spencer's voice shook as he spoke. "I wanted to set up an r-romantic date and tell you, or even b-better, tell you on a Sunday morning when you're in your f-favorite tee-shirt with the m-mustard stains and your old sweatpants as you make French t-toast."
"Babe," JJ hugged him tighter. "You're shaking."
He realized that he was cold. "I – the doctor w-warned me about t-this. It's the D-dilaudid. JJ, please don't leave me. I – n-need you. P-please, don't let me d-drown alone."
"Honey," JJ's voice cracked.
"I n-need it. I t-took it a-and - p-please. H-help m-me!"
"Is that what you were looking for? Oh, Spence. What do I do?"
"G-get r-rid of it."
"I don't want to leave you alone."
"P-please!"
Spencer was humiliated by the begging in his voice, but he couldn't move. He shook with reaction, his foot throbbed, and his heart raced in his chest. He needed JJ to help him escape temptation before losing the strength to fight.
"Alright," JJ said, and she gently helped him lay down. She tugged the blanket over his shoulders. "Are you sure?"
He couldn't believe she would ask, but looking into her eyes, he saw she would do whatever he wanted. He could retract his request, and she would do it under protest, but she would do as he asked.
"Y-yes, b-but h-hurry. I d-don't know–"
"It's okay, babe."
He closed his eyes and tried not to think about anything but the pain in his foot. It was like a cleansing fire as he huddled beneath the sheet and blanket.
Spencer thought that hours passed before he felt JJ touch his shoulder. "It's gone – down the drain."
"T-thank y-you."
"You're welcome."
"N-not over yet."
"I know. I should take you back to the hospital."
"No! W-won't h-help. J-just n-need y-you. P-promise m-me."
JJ kissed his cheek. "I'll stay here for as long as you need. I promise."
He didn't know where he'd end at the end of the long black tunnel that had swallowed him whole, but with JJ, perhaps the light might appear – someday.