Content warning: Non-graphic mentions of past child abuse and death.
Kankurou is woken up the next morning by the sun rising at his window. He jolts at the silhouette on the floor and every single part of his body makes him understand how bad of an idea it was to move at all.
His muscles hurt like he's got the flu, his skin burns, he's pretty sure his joints audibly creaked when he sat down and it feels like his brain bounces against his skull every time he moves.
And then of course there's the abdominal pain, not any better than the day before, aching, pounding, like repeated knife wounds leaving him to bleed out in the sheets.
He's been bleeding again too, he realizes, feeling the tingling of dry blood on his butt and thighs. It's gross and humiliating. Maybe he should just rip off his gut right here and there.
The silhouette slumped on the ground moves in the corner of his field of view as his nails dig into the skin on his belly. He freezes.
It takes him another good ten seconds to realize it's Kiba.
He probably spent the night there, loyal as he is. It's not exactly an unpleasant thought, somehow, and he lets himself get lost in the soothing sight of Kiba's peaceful sleep.
It's not the first time Kankurou's noticing how pretty he is, but he didn't think he'd be in any state to do so right now. He finds himself wondering if he sleeps on the floor at home too, in a basket with his dog or something. He could frankly believe that.
He sighs.
He doesn't feel any better than yesterday, and it doesn't look like he's going to be discharged from the hospital in the hours to come. At the very least he'll have to tell Sasori he's not coming to work tomorrow.
He grabs his phone.
[22:42] Gaara: Hi!
*Gaara sent a picture*
It's him and Temari at his place, she brought a pack of beer. She probably bought it intending to drink it with him before he turned her down.
Gaara is making an attempt at a peace sign and a smile.
His heart clenches a little.
[22:43] Gaara: Temari passed by, I hope you can make it another time.
[22:44] Temari: Yeah, find some time for your siblings you coward
[22:44] Gaara: I didn't know you went to the workshop on weekends too. I know your job is important to you but I hope you are not overworking yourself.
He makes a mental note to really stop trying to lie to Gaara.
Turns out he feels way worse about it when people actually buy his crap.
A chuckle echoes in the room with a very clear I told you so. intent.
"I know. Shut up."
He's being watched, and he better get into action right now before things get way more chaotic, he knows it. He's not going to start with his siblings though. There's a long morning of painful texts to write ahead, and this one is probably going to be the worse of them.
Better warm up first.
He opens his conversation with Sasori.
Good morning Shishou.
Okay, that one's the easy part. What else?
I'm still actively shitting my organs out.
He lets out a desperate groan.
"Okay, I suck at this. What if I just change my name and disappear forever?"
The air stings like a slap in the face. Maybe he could escape from Sasori with a good cover, Temari even, but not his own personal bratty conscience.
He sighs.
Good morning Shishou. I'm writing to you from the hospital,
He grunts, holding his head in his hands, letting his phone fall on his knees.
"I sound like I'm 5 years old and writing a postcard to my grandma."
Okay, attempt three.
Hello Shishou.
Maybe changing the opening will help things out, who knows?
I won't be able to make it to the workshop tomorrow. Things are worse than I anticipated and I'm still being treated at the hospital right now.
No.
and I'm still being treated at the hospital at the moment.
Classier.
I might be able to get out on Tuesday evening if the treatment works. Otherwise,
He realizes he has no idea for how long he's going to be stuck here if things go south.
He erases that last bit.
I don't know yet when I will be out if it doesn't. I am deeply sorry about that impromptu perturbation. I can work more hours when I get back to make up for what I've missed, but I might not make it in time to fulfil the commission I'm working on this month.
He's very much considering begging Sasori to keep him but it seems like his chance may be higher if he keeps it professional.
I will make myself as available as possible on the phone in the meantime. Again, I'm very sorry.
And send.
He takes a deep breath. It fucking hurts and he regrets it immediately.
Round two, the band. This one should be easier. Kiba already knows, it's only Tenten and Hinata. Well, maybe Hinata knows too? Maybe Kiba told her. He mentioned her yesterday, but he doesn't precisely remember why.
[07:14] Kankurou: Hi guys. I'm still super sick so Kiba decided to drag me to the hospital by force and now they won't let me leave. I'm not sure when I'll be out yet. I'll keep you updated. I'm sorry.
He takes a photo of Kiba on the floor, drooling on his knees in his sleep, and sends it to the group chat.
He's not really in the mood to be mad at him anymore. His distraction has arguably been helpful. He hadn't slept that many hours in a row in a very long time.
[07:17] Kankurou: You can pass by if you want to.
The secret is out anyway now, maybe he can let himself get a tad more support.
*Kankurou sent a location*
[07:18] Kankurou: Building C, 6th floor, room 603
The shadows purr at the side of his bed, coming to curl up on his lap like a cat.
"I know right? I'm getting good at this!"
He probably shouldn't claim victory just yet though.
He opens the sibling group chat, looks at his phone's keyboard for a minute, turns off his phone, and lies back to stare at the ceiling instead.
He's been doing quite good at not thinking about why it's so fucking hard to tell them so far, but it's becoming harder and harder not to address it.
He's been surprised, of course, when Gaara randomly showed up at his door one night after years of not having the tiniest news from him and Yashamaru, and although he had welcomed him without a second thought he had not anticipated for them to bond that much.
They hadn't been exactly close before their father died and they got split up between their uncles. Even at that time, Gaara spent most of his time under Yashamaru's protection, effectively escaping a good part of Rasa's brutality. If he's being honest, part of the reason why it's so painful to be in any way disappointing to Gaara today is how fucking guilty he feels for resenting him for it back then.
(Like it's in any way weird for a 10 years boy to wonder why no one deems it necessary to do anything about his dad beating the crap out of him every two days. Like he's in any way responsible that the situation fucked him up and that he looked for someone to blame.)
Another reason is that it's been good to have someone counting on him, actually. He has friends, and there's also Temari, of course, but until now he has not exactly been the kind of person people come to for advice, the kind of person that people find grounding. Gaara does. He makes him feel responsible, in a good way, like he's somehow worth it, like he has value, and like he can actually be a good big brother.
It's gut-wrenching to witness himself voluntarily betraying him.
It's different with Temari, but not really easier. While Gaara and he are still in the process of learning to know each other, there's not a single moment in his life she hasn't shared. She knows him, maybe better than he knows himself, and while it makes things less complicated in many situations, it's not exactly the type of gaze that he wants staring at him right now. He's better off not knowing how fucking scared and ashamed he feels.
Gaara makes him feel important, Temari makes him feel vulnerable, and he's in no state to handle either of those feelings at the moment, but he also can't bear the weight of keeping lying to them.
Temari is probably in on it already anyway. Most likely she hasn't guessed the specifics yet, but there's little chance that she bought anything remotely normal would make Kankurou fully unable to see her for a week. She let him a head start, but she will catch up with him very quickly if he doesn't come clean soon enough, and that won't be a good moment for any of them.
He picks up his phone and stares at the photo of the two of them again.
[07:45] Kankurou: Hi
[07:45] Kankurou: Thank you for the photo
Gaara is typing already. This is going to be painful.
[07:46] Gaara: Hey. You're up early. I thought you had something yesterday night?
He knows it's not actually an accusation on Gaara's part, just an incongruence he's pointing out in the information he has, but it's somehow worse than if he was straight-up calling him a liar.
[07:48] Kankurou: Yes, that's why I'm texting you, actually. Is Temari around?
[07:49] Gaara: Yes, she stayed at my place because she was too drunk to drive home. She's still sleeping.
[07:49] Kankurou: Do you think you can wake her up?
[07:50] Kankurou: Please
[07:52] Gaara: Okay.
There's no way he's going through talking about it with Gaara, then a second time with Temari, while waiting hours between the two not knowing when the sword of Damocles will eventually fall.
Temari can probably survive an early hangover.
His phone buzzes. He hangs off.
[07:58] Kankurou: Can't pick up, Kiba's still sleeping
[07:58] Temari: Did you make Gaara wake me up just to tell me you were screwing with Kiba?
[07:58] Kankurou: No I'm in the hospital, he called the ambulance on me and insisted on staying the night
[07:59] Temari: What the fuck happened?
[07:59] Gaara: Are you ok?
He takes a quick breath before answering.
[08:00] Kankurou: I'm not
[08:00] Kankurou: I got a UC flare-up, I've been bleeding pretty badly since thursday
[08:01] Gaara: What is UC?
Of course, Gaara doesn't know about his illness, he's been in remission since far before they reconnected. Until now, that is.
[08:02] Kankurou: Ulcerative Colitis, it's an inflammatory disease. Essentially part of my digestive system is fucked, and usually it's just painful and annoying, but the severity of it right now is apparently quite concerning.
[08:03] Kankurou: I'm on treatment at the hospital but if it doesn't get better by then I'm up for surgery on tuesday. Before if it gets worse.
[08:03] Gaara: What surgery?
[08:03] Temari: We're on our way you'll explain when we're here.
He waits a few minutes but it eventually becomes evident that neither of them is on their phone anymore, so he just throws his away on the nightstand.
After what feels like an hour of agonizing waiting Kiba starts moving again on the floor.
"Hey," he mutters, head vaguely raising from his knees but still visibly half asleep. It's soft in a way Kankurou had not anticipated.
"Hi."
A familiar voice echoes somewhere in the corridor on the other side of the door.
"Brace yourself, she's coming."
Kiba doesn't get a chance to ask what Kankurou is talking about or to actually properly wake up that the door opens in a bang so loud he's surprised to see it still attached to the wall somehow.
On the other side of the doorframe stands Temari, buns messier than they usually are, a loose strand of hair and frowned brows casting shadows on her dark green eyes, and if the few interactions he had with her until now are anything to go by, things are not going to get less loud anytime soon.
He could swear the floor trembles under her boots when she walks in, but all the explosive tension she brought into the room with her suddenly vanishes as she freezes in front of Kankurou's bed.
Gaara, who he hadn't noticed until now, hidden in his sister's aura, passes by her, seemingly not noticing the brutal change in her attitude, and goes straight for Kankurou, exchanging words with him that Kiba can't grasp because he finds absolutely no way to take his eyes off of Temari.
She's pale, more so than Kankurou even, so still she doesn't seem to be breathing. She's staring at her brother, but she doesn't look like she's actually seeing him.
Time stretches, swallowed by her emptiness like a fucking black hole.
"Temari."
Kankurou's voice breaks his haze, and apparently hers, and they both realize Gaara has been done talking for a moment already.
She blinks, like she doesn't know how she got there.
"Are you okay?"
She attempts a laugh. It doesn't exactly come out as one.
"Why would you be the one asking that?"
Kankurou sounds strangely calm and nothing like the man he's been yesterday with Kiba. Grounded, present, nurturing almost.
"Because you do not look okay, Tems."
She opens her mouth to tell a lie, looks at both of her brothers' worried looks, hesitates, and finally talks.
"You look like mom."
The morning sun miserably fails at warming the ice-cold air in the room.
"I do not look like mom."
"You know what I mean."
"Yes. And I insist. I do not look like her. I'm not dying, Tems."
"How sure are you of that?"
Kankurou doesn't answer.
Her hands start shaking.
It is evident by now that he should not be witnessing this conversation, but the door is on the other side of Temari and it feels like he might be zapped out of existence by the tension building up between them if he dares walk through it.
Kankurou's eyes leave Temari's to look at Gaara, only to find him staring just as much as she does.
"Answer me."
He looks back at her.
"I'm not at high risk of dying as long as my organs don't rupture."
"Will they?"
It takes him a moment to answer.
"It's a possibility, but that's why I'm monitored closely. I don't think Dr Senju is the type to let me die on her watch."
Her fist clenches.
"I don't want you to think you won't die, I want you to know you won't, or to stop telling lies to me and tell me that you might."
A veil of sadness dulls his eyes. He nods.
"I might."
Temari spends another fifteen minutes asking him questions about his symptoms, how his pain is right now, how much he's been bleeding, what treatments he's on, what surgery he's talking about, until, eventually she seems to have enough answers that the situation feels somewhat manageable.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he says when she's done talking. "I hope you know it's not that I don't trust you."
The salty taste of tears starts building up in the back of his throat and he keeps his eyes fixed on hers so maybe he won't cry. She's evidently doing the same.
"Why is that then?"
"I didn't tell you precisely because you're the closest person that I have. For a very long time, you've been the only little island of safety in the shitshow of our lives. And it's better now, of course, but being with you it's still… it's special. It's important. It's precious. And once even that most remote and protected area of my life is reached, once I'm sick, even with you, it's done, it's real, it's everywhere and I have nowhere left to hide."
The air gets thicker around her as he talks, slender sticky shadow arms winding up around her legs, and at some point, it feels like they're looking at him through her eyes, like she is the shadows herself.
"I know it doesn't make sense but, since you're the main truth and constant in my life, it felt like as long as you didn't know I was sick, maybe I wouldn't be. But I am. And I thought maybe for once I'd be able to handle my shit without getting you involved. But I'm not, and it sucks, and I'm sorry."
"It's stupid. We've always faced that kind of thing together, that's what we do. You don't have to be sorry about that."
"But we don't. Do you remember when I broke that vase at dad's house? I was terrified and I cut myself trying to gather the pieces, and he came back while I was cleaning my wound in the bathroom. He saw you in the middle of this mess, and he asked if you had done it, and you said yes."
She thoughtlessly brushes the scar on her left cheekbone with her thumb.
"I didn't know you had heard that."
"Well, I did. And I'm grateful you covered up for me, but I don't wanna feel like that ever again. All I could think of was "Dad's right. I am a weak little piece of shit who can't do anything on his own except whine." I don't ever want you to have to take a hit for me."
"You do realize I couldn't take your illness for you anyway, even if I wanted to, right?"
"Yeah, I know. It's stupid and irrational, but I don't know if you've noticed, my brain is not exactly powered by rationality."
She chuckles.
"Yeah, I guess it's not."
It's a bit softer now.
"Thank you for coming here."
Temari gives him a gentle smile before shifting her attention to her side.
"Kiba!" The poor man jumps on the ground, probably not expecting anyone to remember he was still in the room and, to be honest, Kankurou had indeed forgotten about him. "I'm going to get us some coffee, come with me I don't have any cash. Gaara, you stay with Kankurou."
She's out the door before anyone has the time to question her orders. (Not that anyone would have given the chance anyway, they're not that out of their mind.)
The room falls brutally silent once the sound of their steps is too far to be heard.
Gaara doesn't move, eyes staring at the sheets of Kankurou's bed before him. He looks preoccupied, and Kankurou can't exactly blame him for that. It's been a hell of a day already and it's barely 9:30 a.m.
"You know I care about you, right?" Kankurou eventually says.
"I do."
"What I've said, about Temari, it doesn't mean I don't value you. I want you to know that."
Gaara nods.
"I understand. We essentially met again a year and a half ago. You've been knowing her for over twenty years. Of course, it's going to be different."
He's frowning a bit. It's slight, but not enough for Kankurou not to notice it.
"But?"
"It felt weird hearing you two talk about our mother. I had not realized how real her death was for you two. I mean, of course it's real, but I have never met her. It's something I have been told about, not something I've lived."
"I don't really remember it either, but yes, Temari does. Maybe she could tell you a bit about her if you want, at a better time."
He nods.
"Yashamaru talked about her a lot, but he never really made her sound like a mom. Maybe I'll ask her."
There's some more silence, but Kankurou recognizes this face on Gaara, the one he makes when he wants to say something but hasn't yet managed to find the words to do so. So he waits.
"I wish we could have been closer as children," Gaara eventually says. "When I hear you two talk about how you remember the time before our father died, it feels like we lived in a different household, even then. And I guess we did in a way. You look like real siblings, sometimes I envy that. But I know it's unfair for me to feel that way. It was even harder for you than it was for me. That's precisely why you two are like that."
"Maybe, but it's not your fault."
It feels good to have the opportunity to say it out loud. Hopefully, it can make up a bit for all the years of thinking the opposite.
"Did you not tell me because you were afraid of burdening me?"
The question takes him somewhat aback. He shrugs.
"It was hard telling without telling Temari."
Gaara is not very good at keeping secrets. He learned that the hard way. It's one of the many reasons Kankurou kept his distance from him as a kid. Temari's lips were sealed, as were his, and they couldn't afford them to be any other way to survive Rasa.
Guilt twitches in his gut again.
"But also, yes, I didn't want you to worry. You're my little brother, it's not your job to look after me."
Gaara takes a moment to think about it.
"What you told Temari earlier, about how terrible you felt that she was protecting you but you weren't protecting her, or yourself. Have you thought maybe that's how it feels for me to have you consider that support in our relationship can only go one way?"
And to say he thought the toughest part was behind him.
"I am not a child anymore, Kankurou."
"I know. I just never really got the chance to be a big brother, and I want to make it up to you."
I didn't take the chance to be a good one, at least. He thinks but doesn't say it. It's still too raw to say out loud.
"And I appreciate it. I'm not saying I don't want you to care about me. I liked it when you introduced me to your friends, when you helped me out for my dates with Lee, when you taught me how to do my make up or when you made that one phone call I had been postponing for six weeks."
He pauses for a second.
"I'm not asking you not to be a big brother anymore. But that does not mean I can't help out too sometimes. It's not a burden to know about you, even when it's bad. I would not have reached out to you if it were."
He frowns.
"Hey, are you okay? Do I need to call a nurse?"
Kankurou snorts. He hasn't cried in years but today is evidently a bit much.
He taps his shoulder.
"I'm good. Come here."
Gaara awkwardly complies and leans into the hug. His hair tickles Kankurou's cheek a little.
Eventually, he seems to relax in his arms.
"You're the best little brother I could have asked for."