Content Warning: Discussion of past incest and consequent trauma, discussion of consensual sex, body decay delusions, mentions of self-harm, alcohol use.

The bed-sharing experience over the next month goes pretty well. Or at least it goes pretty well for Kankurou and Kiba. Akamaru, on his end, has some difficulty figuring out where he's supposed to sleep now that "across the entire mattress" is not an option anymore. But after attempting a few times to reclaim his spot, he seems to settle without too much grievance for the basket Kiba put at the feet of the bed, or half over Kiba's legs when he really wants the company.

More generally, Kankurou finds that he doesn't mind the physical proximity as much as he thought he would, on the contrary. He enjoys the way Kiba touches him, always gentle, always with permission, always saying "hey" when entering the kitchen and making sure to catch his eyes before resting a hand on his lower back while he chats with him, always knocking at the door of the bedroom before coming in when Kankurou is resting there and asking if he minds the company before settling on his lap. He enjoys that it's careful and endeared, that he asks if he wants to swap positions when Kankurou's been petting his hair for a while and could maybe use lying down in turn now.

It doesn't make it all easy, and it doesn't make it all possible, but as Hinata said the other day, it makes it so he knows things will change and adapt if he needs them to. So that he doesn't feel trapped and restrained and invaded, and he can stop it if he ever does.

For example, he finds, also, that he doesn't enjoy the kissing that much, actually. That Kiba's face against his makes him a little claustrophobic and, more importantly, that his tongue on his lips means he is way too close to Kankurou's internal organ for his own comfort. So, after a few too many hours spent trying to drown himself in work or music until his throat and stomach and remaining guts stop rotting inside of him, he calls it quits and Kiba doesn't say a thing.

And it's nice, of course, and very freeing, and Kankurou knows Kiba wouldn't demand that he explains anything, but it feels a bit stingy, in a relationship that allows him so much space to express how he feels and what he wants and doesn't, to refuse him a window on his internal life in return.

"I've been thinking about telling Kiba about the psychosis," he says and Temari raises an eyebrow at the words. He came over to her apartment today as she was in town for the week and, of course, very thirsty for more in-depth gossip about the situationship at play.

"Oh." He is a little surprised himself, if he is honest, but apparently his life these past months has been all about renegotiating boundaries he put down years ago at a time when he didn't have a lot of other options, and realising that, in better times and with better people, there are other ones out there for him. "It's that serious then?"

He shrugs and takes a sip of his beer. He's barely drank half of it and Temari is at her second one already. Sometimes he wonders if he should say something. He doesn't.

"I think it might be. But mainly I think we're reaching the end of our trial period. We've been doing this for a month now, saying if it doesn't work out we can just revert to what it was before. I can go back to my apartment. We can be just friends again. And it's been working, I think? And if we're gonna keep going, at some point we're gonna have to admit that we're doing it for real, and that if it doesn't work out, it will be called a breakup. My lease is ending soon. I could renew it easily, but I don't want to and it's a good moment to take the leap I suppose. And I think if we're doing that for real… I guess I owe him this."

She nods slowly.

Part of him wants to tell himself that he doesn't owe anyone the knowledge of what goes on in his brain. But he does. Just as with his surgery and health a couple months prior, no matter how many people may think and say, "this is your life and your choice only," he knows better than to think he doesn't owe anything to the people that choose to – or don't choose but still do – share their lives with him. This is why it works. Because they owe each other, actually, and they are not just isolated individuals who happen to share a living space without ever spilling into each other's existence.

Temari knows that, too. She's survived with him and knows that's what it takes.

"Also, it's been relatively alright so far, but if we're going to live together, for a while, sharing a room and all, I don't know how long I can mask enough. And if I reach a moment where I can't, at some point, I'd rather have explained before than have to do it then."

If Temari hadn't been there to handle it while he was in the hospital, he has no idea how he would have lived through any of this, and he certainly wouldn't have done so without behaving towards his friends in ways he couldn't easily have justified or explained later on.

"Are you asking for my opinion?" she says eventually when he doesn't add anything more. "Cause you sound pretty resolved already."

"I think I am pretty resolved, yes," he admits before letting out a nervous chuckle. "But I wouldn't say no to some big sister reassurance still."

She laughs at his bashfulness and the sound of it clears the knot in his chest like pure water infiltrating the earth.

"You'll do great," she assures. "And Kiba too, because if not I will beat his ass. So."

Kankurou supposes that's a good motivation.

"For the record, I think it'll be alright," Kankurou answers.

He won't say it out loud because he doesn't know how much of it is acceptable to share with his sister, but while he may not know the specifics, if living with Kiba these past two months has made something clear it's that he has more going on that what shows relatively obviously when knowing him more casually, that is to say, ADHD, probably some anxiety and having been a bit fucked up by his dad or lack thereof like most of their friend group. (Kankurou has also learned on the way that Shino, apparently, rather has issues with his mother if his attitude both before and after their restaurant last week is anything to go by. That makes a little variety at least.)

He doesn't think Kiba's deal is exactly Ike his, but it makes him inclined to believe he won't be off put by news along the lines of "I'm this fucked up, actually."

Temari smiles.

"I hope so. And I'll be there either way."

[18:37] Shino: Do you have a moment?

It's Friday evening, Kankurou came back from the workshop twenty minutes ago and just sat down in the bedroom when he receives the text. Despite being about to give up his apartment and having settled, for real this time, that he would be living with the rest of the polycule from now on, he has a little trouble calling it his bedroom just yet. Or his apartment, apparently.

[18:38] Kankurou: Sure, what's up?

This is an unusual behaviour from Shino. If he needed something, he would just ask without troubling himself with this sort of introduction. And normally, he would rather do so in the group chat than message him directly. Whatever he wants to talk about must be both important and personal, and it's not a very reassuring thing to know.

Shino types a message and deletes it a few times, before sending after a moment of silence:

[18:43] Shino: It's about Kiba

Great. Not worrying at all.

[18:43] Shino: He said if you are going to be dating, there are things he wants you to know

[18:44] Shino: Is text okay or do you want me to come over to your room?

[18:44] Kankurou: Whatever is most comfortable for you is good

Neither is good, really. He would just want to know already and not have to play this nerve-racking game, but this is how communicating with other humans works, which is why he usually tries to stay away from the endeavour. But his life has changed a lot recently it seems.

[18:44] Shino: Text then

Kankurou is not surprised by this answer. He now knows Shino to avoid getting out of his room without a need for it, and if he's going to have to type it all anyway, he might as well spare himself from Kankurou staring at him anxiously the whole time he does.

[18:48] Shino: Kiba thinks that you need to know a bit more about his life and struggles before you really sign up for settling down with him. He's not apologetic about his needs, but it's not a thing that will go away, and it does take space in his life and ours, and it will in yours.

Despite the nervousness, Kankurou chuckles a bit at the message. It sounds like Kiba has been up to the same sort of discussion he had with Temari lately.

[18:49] Kankurou: Of course, I understand

Maybe they are well-assorted after all.

[18:52] Shino: The first thing you ought to know is that Kiba was a victim of incest. His father abused him for years until Tsume-san found out and came here with him and Hana. A lot has happened since then and he's doing much better than when I met him. But it's still a thing.

Fuck.

That whatever had been going on with Kiba's father was bad is not exactly a surprise. The fact that he never talked about it spoke volumes in and of itself. But Kankurou still would have wished for it to be something else. Especially knowing Shino and he met in middle school. Fucking piece of shit of a man.

[18:54] Shino: The incontinence is in part about that. When he's good, he's good, but when he gets triggered or dissociated it happens more and a lot of things become complicated again. Washing and going to the bathroom mostly. He needs company for grounding and help to keep himself safe and cared for. Sometimes just someone to remind him to do it. Sometimes physical assistance. I assume you saw a glimpse of it the other night.

He supposes he sort of did. Once awake enough, though, Kiba had seemed to handle the situation pretty well on his own, especially for someone high enough to get there in the first place. (Although, evidently, it wasn't the only cause of the incident.) But given that he's witnessed over the past two months Shino's regular heads-ups and texts to Kiba to make sure he ate food and took showers every once in a while, as a baseline, it's not all too surprising the need would occur more and stronger at times where he struggles more than he has so far.

[18:57] Shino: He also struggles with hypersexuality and needing help or at least company to deal with it rather than spiral alone about it when he's not in a good headspace. And you don't have to be involved if you're not up to it, I can do it, but it will happen, and you will see it, and he doesn't want you to be caught aback or cornered into it.

Kankurou swallows. The incontinence, the daily reminders, the dissociation and the knowledge of just how badly hurt his boyfriend has been, all of those he is pretty sure he can deal with. It's nothing that extravagantly outside of what he has experienced himself – and again, the very reason why he started assuming himself to be safe with Kiba, and by extension the rest of the polycule.

The sex, even before any of the new information brought up to him by Shino today, has been the most uncertain part for him in this relationship. He's mentioned it a few times to Kiba, trying to make sure he realised this may not be a thing at all before signing up for this relationship, and Kiba has always waved off the concern saying it would be fine and not to worry about it yet.

Shino assures he doesn't need to be involved, and Kankurou has no reason to think he would lie, but Kiba and he are sharing a room and sleeping in the same bed every night, and while he's certain Kiba would never impose anything on him, he can only imagine the situation will get frustrating and uncomfortable if this is not ultimately what he wants and, evidently, it isn't.

[19:04] Shino: That's the three things we discussed I would tell you, but if you have questions, feel free to ask them. You can also ask him when he comes back tonight. It was easier for him that I would lay the ground information first, but he will talk about it with you as much as you need. It's important

[19:06] Kankurou: Of course

He pauses and thinks for a minute. He would probably have things to ask, but he's a bit too dumbfounded yet to know what they are, and he's not sure Shino can answer them anyway.

[19:07] Kankurou: Is self-harm something he still does?

[19:08] Kankurou: No judgement, I get it. It's okay if yes. I just would like to know if it's something I'm likely to have to help with

[19:09] Shino: No

[19:09] Shino: I can't say it will never happen again, but it hasn't in a while. It's not a normal crisis event anymore

That's at least one good news, Kankurou supposes.

[19:11] Kankurou: Okay

[19:12] Kankurou: I don't think I have more question

[19:12] Kankurou: I'll talk with him later. Thank you for telling me

[19:13] Shino: Thank you for caring about it. And about him

[19:13] Shino: He likes you a lot

[19:14] Kankurou: I know

When Kiba comes back from his walk with Akamaru – that Kankurou realised in the meantime had been purposefully planned to let Shino and him the time to talk – Kankurou has settled on the bed to do some make-up in a small mirror perched on the chest of drawer next to it.

Well, at this stage of the process, body paint may start to be a more accurate word than make-up. The conversation ahead of them was inevitably going to be hard, no matter how gentle with each other they would be, and everything in the room was screaming pretty loudly already. He figured it would be a good use of the time before Kiba came in to try and recreate himself a semblance of an outline to exist within and replace his melting skin with. Layer by layer, line by line, the paint building up over his face created for him a new body, one that didn't rot, didn't sweat and didn't bleed, all minerals and pigments that he wasn't scared to see decay and eat him from the outside in.

He has been done with his face for a little while Kiba knocks on the door, and has instead moved on to painting ball joints on his right fingers and wrist.

"Come in!"

Kankurou looks at him when he passes through the door and closes it back behind him, a little red and a little out of breath, probably having gone to run for a while with Akamaru to try and exhaust the emotions out of himself. It doesn't look like it has fully worked, but he's still certainly calmer than he would have been if he had just sat down for the past two hours (and more sober).

"Hi."

"Hi."

Kiba stays standing there awkwardly for a moment and Kankurou doesn't have much more of an idea what to say, so he puts down his brush and waves him closer.

"Come here."

His skin sticks with sweat to Kankurou's neck when he takes Kiba in his arms to hug him. Kiba reciprocates it a little.

"I didn't ask Shino to tell you for you to pity me," he still says.

"I know," Kankurou assures. "I'm not. I'm just glad you're here."

The sentence means several things and they both know it.

"Me too," Kiba concedes before pulling out of the embrace. "How are you feeling?"

Kankurou shrugs.

"I'm alright." It's a bit tame for his current state but they will have the time to say more anyway. "You?"

"Alright as well. Are there things you want to say?"

Kankurou nods but takes another short minute to try and organise them the best he can.

"First, thank you. For trusting me. And wanting me in."

Kiba answers with a brief smile.

"Second, I've been thinking about the same sort of stuff, too. What I wanted to tell you before we decide this is all very real now. I don't have much to say about my history or I don't know what. It doesn't really matter. And you know the main points already. But I have something to say about me, I think."

He pauses. He's always hated big announcements. Has always tried to avoid them, with more or less success and better or worse reasons. He wishes Kiba could just know already and they could just move on and he didn't have to spill his guts on the table and name them like a butcher first.

But that's not an option.

"I'm psychotic. You're the first person I'm telling outside of Gaara and Temari. And I don't think I'm ready for more than that yet."

He doesn't think he's ready for a lot more than that ever, but Hinata and Shino, he understands they may need to know eventually if this goes on, and he wants it to. It's something that will take more time, however, and Kiba has to know that.

"Right. Of course."

Kankurou's gaze flutters a bit around the room before he asks:

"Is that an issue?"

Kiba shrugs.

"No. It hasn't been an issue so far, has it?"

That's one way to see it.

"Are there things you need? Or things I need to know to do or not to do?" he adds.

"I'm not sure," Kankurou admits. "I've spent the past fifteen years masking everywhere all the time and locking myself alone in my apartment when I couldn't take more. I'm not used to making requests about this."

"You should probably learn," Kiba notes. "That doesn't sound very comfortable or viable of a strategy."

Kankurou lets out a mirthless chuckle.

"No, it's not. I just don't have a better idea. The more people know or the more it shows, the more exposed I feel, the worse it gets. It's not as easy as 'you should unmask around people you're safe with' even if I knew how to do that, which I don't."

Kiba nods.

"I see."

"But what I can say is that- body stuff? I guess? Are complicated. Part of my issue with kissing is it's just. Too much. In me."

G-d, saying this feels awful. It's too much already, too vulnerable, too fleshy. It screams "He knows of the rot living inside you, its unbearable stench, and the weakness of your meat."

"It's fine, we don't have to. Is the rest alright? The hugging, sharing a bed? We could do two beds probably."

"I think it is." Although it's still reassuring to hear he could back out of it if he needs to. "Surface contact is easier. Clothed contact, too."

It's not easy, but in the right context, with the right people, it works. So far, Kiba seems to have made himself one of them. It says a lot about their relationship already.

"Okay. Great. I assume that makes sex off the table too?" He pauses before adding, "it's okay if it does."

"Yeah, that's the main other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I don't- know for sure where I'm at with that. I've done it, and it was not awful, but it was years ago and it happened twice before I decided I was probably better off without it. I also still had all of my organs back then, and I absolutely never intended to use my colon for sex, but my body has been a bit harder to in habit than usual lately so, that doesn't help. I don't think I'm remotely ready to take my shirt off before anyone. And probably not the rest either."

Kiba stays silent for a brief moment after he's finished, and Kankurou takes the opportunity to observe him for a bit. He's been sitting down for long enough now that the redness has faded from his face, letting place to the tanned brown of his skin tone and the soft relief of acne scars on his cheeks, only half hidden by stubble. His hair falls over his nape and shoulders, gently moved by the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. He's wearing a simple t-shirt and sweatpants, but it's enough for Kankurou to be able to tell he's pretty. Enough to make him want to hold him again, kiss his hair maybe, and press himself against him before sleep.

But it doesn't make him want anything else than that.

"Do you want me to tell you how it is for me?" Kiba asks eventually. "What I'm used to doing? See how you want to fit or not in all that?"

Kankurou nods.

"Sure."

He's not certain he'll have an answer to this question, but it can only help to have more information to work with.

"I've had a pretty high libido ever since I started my first puberty. Whether that's just how I am or a trauma thing I guess I'll never know for sure, but what I do know is it has obviously made it harder to handle. I felt gross and ashamed and very fucking guilty. And even more so when it was directed at Shino. The mere idea of thinking about him that way when he hadn't asked for it felt violating and abusive." He pauses. "I was pretty fucked up."

"Understandably so."

Kiba tilts his head in admission.

"Yeah. The worst of my self-harm is from that time. I just- I wanted it out of me so bad. I was frankly considering cutting my dick off some days. But after a lot of crying alone, and crying with my mom, and crying with Shino, I did manage to talk it through enough to fathom the idea of having sex with him and it did help soothe things a bit. Not just in a 'I fucked so I was less frustrated and pent up' way but also, it helped me learn to think and talk about sex, and have sex, in a context that was not abuse, and start building a new relationship with it. Eventually, Shino figured he wasn't very comfortable or interested in pursuing this actually, but was fine being around for company and it became a habit. I can jerk off on my own when I'm doing good, but I also get easily dissociated and when I start spiralling it's hard to ground myself to stop and reach for help, so I always feel safer having someone around. It doesn't have to be sexual though, most time Shino just lets me lie with my head on his lap and pets my hair. Sometimes he's even doing his own thing on his phone or reading a book. But it makes a big difference to me already."

Despite the obvious hurt implied by it, and the mild discomfort creeping inside Kankurou's chest while trying to picture Kiba masturbating in his mind, there is something soft and endearing at the idea of him seeking comfort and company in a lover's arms to allow himself vulnerability and pleasure somewhere he knows to be safe and protected.

While he is not sure he can, Kankurou hopes this is something he may be able to provide.

"You don't have to do even just that," Kiba reiterates. "If you don't want to, I'll manage another way. We may still have to talk about it to figure a strategy out because, I'm not gonna lie, not having access to the bedroom alone for the past two months has been a little complicated to handle, and it's not going to be viable long term. But you don't have to be involved. However, if you want to try something like this, I would be happy to. And, for the record, I would also be very much happy to sleep with you, and there are also various ways to do that, including a bunch that don't require you to take your clothes off, but I will live if it's just not something that will happen."

Kankurou nods.

"I don't think it can happen now at least," he says. "And I don't know about later. But I'd like to try things out I think, yes. Like, be around for you, maybe? I don't want to make promises. This is definitely complicated for me as well, but… I want to figure out what I can do, if anything at all."

Kiba smiles, and it's a big smile this time, of the type that makes Kankurou's inside melt, but not the usual bad inside melting, the stomach butterfly and jello legs kind.

"Sounds like a plan. Are you doing anything this weekend?"

"Oh. Already?"

Kiba laughs.

"I'm half joking, it doesn't have to be this weekend. But I am free if you want."

Kankurou hesitates for a second, but Kiba's grin and happiness are intoxicating, and for all of his brain and body's recalcitrance, it still makes him want to hold him close and kiss his hair.

"This weekend it is."