Suddenly, everything that kept her going is torn away from her. There is no more war. No more children being killed. No more bombs going off. No more victors. No more Mockingjay.
Suddenly, everyone that kept her going on is torn away from her. No more Haymitch. No more Gale. No more Finnick. No more Peeta. No more Prim.
Suddenly, it is all over. And she is all alone. All alone in this district that no more feels like home. She is alone with only the ghosts of the past to keep her company.
The first time she sees Haymitch again, it is in the shadows of a tree out of the corner of her eye. Her head snaps as she turns it towards the blond hair. She reaches for him. Her hand meets nothing. As fast as he had appeared, the man disappears lost in the haze of her memory. There is no more Haymitch, doesn't she remember ?
And as the realisation hits her, she runs. She runs to let the wind wipe her blurry eyes. She runs to give a reason for her pounding heart.
That night, her nightmares are haunted by a smell of alcohol and stupid advice.
The next morning, she avoids the forest like plague, afraid of seeing Haymitch again, afraid of having to face reality.
Instead, she lays in bed. She stays all day in bed, waiting for something to stir up in her. Nothing ever does. Hunger never shows its ugly face nor does pain.
Sleep eludes her, but her nightmares do not. Her mind is wide awake while images are playing in a loop on the back of her closed eyelids. She sees them all there covered in blood. She convinces herself that it's only that: a nightmare. She ignores that part of her that knows that it isn't only that.
When, one day, she can't even see their bloody bodies, reality hits her. It hits her so hard she can't breathe anymore. She's panting, searching her air. But it doesn't last long because her body forces her to take a gulp of oxygen even if she wants to keep gasping. And with ragged breathing, she realises they're not coming back. She realises all those people she loved are not coming back. They're all lost in the arena that the Capitol became. They're all lost to this Rebellion that is becoming to look a lot like the Hunger Games. But there are no more games, no more rebellion, no more war. There are only survivors and burned districts.
She runs to escape her thoughts. She runs on burned bodies. She runs on Madge's, on the baker's, on children's. That's all that is left of District 12: burned bodies and a running living corpse. All these deaths for her, all these deaths for a Mockingjay with no voice, with no wings.
She runs until she is back in the forest. She runs until she sees Haymitch's face in the shadows next to her.
She runs until her body gives out and she passes out.
In her nightmares, she sees them all. She sees them bloodied, churned, burned. Their eyes turned vicious are all on her, but each time she looks at them, they disappear.
She wakes up and she starts to cry. The earth turns to mud under her cheek. Tears slip on her nose. Wails echo through the forest with no one's ear to hear them. Her heart beats furiously under her ribs. Pain fills her form. Nobody comes to help her up, nobody comes to save her. She's all alone with her pain. She's all alone with their deaths. She's all alone with this reality.
She cries until her body gives up on tears. She stays there, her face stained with salty water and mud. She waits for someone to come, but she knows nobody will. So she waits for death.
But even death leaves her alone, so she crawls back to her feet and walks back to this empty town.
That night she takes pills to sleep, to see them again.
The next day, she takes them again. So does she the day after and the day after that and the day after this one and…
One day, they stop dying.
She pops another pill.
The next day, they stop being bloody.
Another capsule.
The following Saturday, they stop looking at her with disgust.
A third of the bottle down.
At the end of the week, they start talking to her.
She's not alone anymore, she tells them. They all smile back to her. And the Mockingjay gains back her voice.
A month after the first pills, there's nothing left in the bottle. Haymitch murmurs in her ear, his drunk heavy breath is hot against her skin. She dials the number of Dr. Aurelius. Peeta mocks her softly, saying she will never be able to lie. She turns back to him, hot words on her tongue, but they all disappeared again. She lets it ring. The voice of Dr. Aurelius echoes in the house.
The new bottle arrives the next day. She swallows immediately some of its content. She's in a haste to prove to Peeta how he was wrong. And as the people she loves circle her again, she can't help, but smile. Slowly, the Mockingjay gains back her wings.
She drinks with Haymitch. She goes to the woods with Gale. She fishes with Finnick. She bakes with Peeta. She treats her bruises with Prim. Now that they are back, she understands why the Rebellion was worth it.
She never gets down from her high. She takes one bottle after another. She loses herself in this false reality.
One windy evening, she is perched on the Justice building. She is alone with Peeta and Prim tonight. They both look so alike that sometimes, in her high haze, she doesn't differentiate them. She feels better than she felt in ages. She feels like her chest will burst with happiness. Her heart is racing. She takes Peeta's hands and starts to dance. She twirls and laughs. She knows that she should be miserable, that she should feel like death is the option, but with the drugs in her veins, she feels alive. She feels like life is worth living.
''I feel like I could fly'' she says.
''You are the Mockingjay'' giggles Prim.
She nods, taking bouncy steps towards the corner of the roof.
''Watch me !''
She jumps, turned to them to see their expressions when she will start to fly. There's nobody on the roof. They disappeared again. She is all alone to see her downfall because she won't fly. She may be the Mockingjay, but her wings were wrenched away from her long ago, maybe even before the Games.
She doesn't scream as she hits the road. Air is ejected out from her lungs. Pain radiates through her. Tears cascade on her cheeks. Blood pools around her. Her hair is damp with the red liquid. Her legs pulsate. She could almost pass out from the pain. She doesn't. Now, they will surely come say goodbye, right ? They don't. She lays alone in the pool of her own blood.
In District 12, the sky turns to the colour of primroses. The chilly wind flies some katniss flowers. The sun goes down. The flowers swim in blood. The moon takes over. The flowers are nowhere to be seen, drowned.
In the Capitol, a mockingjay sings. Suddenly, it stops. Around its dead body, two snakes are fighting over it.